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24. 

RABELAIS 



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GARGANTUA 
AND PANTAGRUEL 



BY FRANgOIS RABELAIS 

Translated hi/ Sm THOMAS UKQUHABT, 
and PETKH MOTTKUX 




WILLIAM BKNTON, Publisher 

ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA, INC. 
CHICAGO LONDON TORONTO 



COPYRIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMKHICA, 1952, 
BY ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANMCA, INC. 

COPYRIGHT 1952. COPYRIGHT UNDER INTERNATIONAL COPYHICIIT UNION BY 

ENCYCLOPEDIA BHITANNICA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED UNDER PAN AMERICAN 

COPYRIGHT CONVENTIONS BY ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANN1CA, INC. 



BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE 
FRANCOIS RABELAIS, c. 1495-1553 



RABELAIS was born at Chinon in Touraine 
somewhere between 1483 and 1500; 1495 is 
the year most frequently given. His hither is 
thought to have owned a small estate called 
La Deviniere and to have been a vine- 
grower, and an apothecary, or a tavern- 
keeper, or a lawyer. 

An indistinct allusion in his work has been 
interpreted to mean that Rabelais, when 
about nine, was sent to the convent of Seuilly 
to be made a monk. He is supposed to have 
been educated at La Baumette, near Angers, 
where he was at school with the brothers Du 
Bellay and Geoffroy d'Estissac, who were his 
influential friends in later life. He was or- 
dained a priest at the Franciscan monastery 
of Fontenay-le-Comte, and by 1519 had at- 
tained a position of sufficient importance to 
sign deeds for the community. He also con- 
tinued his studies, especially Creek, for he 
was soon in correspondence with the famous 
Humanist, Guillaume Bude. One of these let- 
ters reveals that his ardor for the new studies 
caused trouble with his superiors, and for a 
brief period his library of Greek books was 
confiscated. In 1524, through the influence of 
D'Estissac, who had become Bishop of Mail- 
lezais, Rabelais obtained permission to trans- 
fer from the Franciscan to the Benedictine 
order, and he moved to Maillczais, a learned 
and hospitable retreat, where he lived and 
studied for the next six years. 

In 1530 Rabelais exchanged his Benedic- 
tine robes for those of a secular priest and, as 
he put it, "wandered for sometime about the 
world." For a time the Du Bellays provided 
him with an abode near their own chateau of 
Langey. Later that same year he went to the 
University of Montpellier, where he entered 
the faculty of medicine. In less than two 
months he received a bachelor's degree and 
in 1531 was lecturing publicly on Galen and 
Hippocrates. With this period at Montpellier 
are associated his appearance as an actor in 
the farce, The Man Who Married a Dumb 
Wife, and the composition of a fish sauce in 
imitation of the ancient garum, which he sent 



to the famous scholar, Etienne Dolet. 

In 1532 Rabelais moved to Lyons, then the 
center ot an unusually enlightened society. 
Although acting as physician to the Hotel 
Dieu, he appears to have devoted most oi his 
time to literature. During the year of his ar- 
rival he edited the medical Epistles of Gio- 
vanni Manardi, the Aphorisms of Hippoc- 
rates, and the Ars Parva of Galen. It was 
also probably at this time that he first began 
to think of writing about Gargantua and Pan- 
tagruel. Both seern to have been names of 
popular giants in the Middle Ages, and in 
1532 at Lyons a short burlesque was pub- 
lished entitled, Les Grandes et inesiimables 
cJironkjues du grand et enorme geant Gar- 
gantua, which Rabelais may have edited. 
Within a year he wrote and published his 
first Pantagruel, which constitutes the second 
book of the completed work. In 1533, as well, 
Rabelais issued the Pantagrueline Prognos- 
tication and the first of the series of Almanacs 
he compiled annually until 1550. The Panla- 
grue.l literature he signed with the anagram- 
malic pseudonym of "Alcofribas Nasier." 

Rabelais resumed his wanderings in 1534 
when his friend, Jean du Bellay, who had be- 
come Bishop of Paris, passed through Lyons 
on an embassy to Rome and engaged him as 
physician. Although this first visit to Rome 
was of short duration, Rabelais edited Mar- 
liani's Topographia Antiquae Romac and 
dedicated it to his patron upon his return to 
Lyons. The following year he brought out 
Gargantua and again joined Du Bellay, who 
was traveling to Rome to be made a Cardi- 
nal. While in Rome, Rabelais filed a petition 
for absolution from violation of his monastic 
vows. There had been some irregularity in 
his leaving the Benedictines to become a sec- 
ular priest, and, furthermore, both Pantagruel 
and Gargantua had been condemned by the 
Sorbonne almost immediately upon publica- 
tion. While waiting for the absolution, Rabe- 
lais made a collection of flowers and herbs 
which he sent to his friend, D'Estissac. Early 
in 1536 he received the bull of absolution 



Vlll 

42. 
43. 



RABELAIS 



How the Monk encouraged his fellow- 
champions, and how he hanged upon a 
tree 49 

How the Scouts and Fore-Party of Picro- 
chole were met with by Gargantua, and 
how the Monk slew Captain Draw-forth, 
and then was taken Prisoner by his Ene- 
mies 50 

44. How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers, 

and how Fierce-hole's Forlorn Hope was 
defeated 51 

45. How the Monk carried along with him the 

Pilgrims, and of the good words that 
Grangousier gave them 52 

46. How Grangousier did very kindly entertain 

Touchfaucet his Prisoner 54 

47. How Grangousier sent for his Legions, and 

how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was 
afterwards executed by the command of 
Picrochole 55 

48. How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within 

the Rock Clermond, and utterly defeated 
the Army of the said Picrochole 56 

49. How Picrochole in his flight fell into great 

misfortunes, and what Gargantua did 
after the Battle 57 

50. Gargantua's speech to the vanquished 58 

51. How the victorious Garganluists were rec- 

ompensed after the Battle 59 

52. How Gargantua caused to be built for the 

Monk the Abbey of Theleme 60 

53. How the Abbey of the Thelemites was built 

and endowed 61 

54. The Inscription set upon the great Gate of 

Theleme 62 

55. What manner of dwelling the Thelemites 

had l 63 

56. How the Men and Women of the religious 

order of Theleme were apparelled 64 

57. How the Thelemites were governed, and of 

their manner of living 65 

58. A Prophetical Riddle 66 

BOOK II 

PANTAGRUEL, KING OF THE DIPSODES, 
WITH HIS HEROIC ACTS AND PROWESSES 

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 68 

1. Of the original and antiquity of the great 

Pantagruel 69 

2. Of the Nativity of the most dread and re- 

doubted Pantagruel 72 

3. Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was 

moved at the decease of his Wife Bacle- 
bec 73 

4. Of the Infancy of Pantagruel 74 

5. Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his 

youthful age 75 

6. How Pantagruel met with a Limosin, who 

affected to speak in learned phrase 77 

7. How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the 

choice books of the Library of St. 
Victor 78 



8. How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received 

letters from his Father Gargantua, and 
the copy of them 81 

9. How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he 

loved all his life-time 83 

10. How Pantagruel equitably decided a con- 

troversy, which was wonderfully obscure 
and difficult, whereby he was reputed to 
have a most admirable judgment 85 

11. How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist 

did plead before Pantagruel without an 
Attorney 87 

12. How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before 

Pantagruel 89 

13. How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the 

difference of the two Lords 91 

14. How Panurge related the manner how he 

escaped out of the hands of the Turks 92 

15. How Panurge showed a very new way to 

build the "Walls of Paris 95 

16. Of the qualities and conditions of Pa- 

nurge 97 

17. I low Panurge gained the pardons, and mar- 

ried the old Women, and of the Suit in 
Law which he had at Paris 99 

18. How a great Scholar of England would 

have argued against Pantagruel, and was 
o\ercome by Panurge 101 

19. How Panurge put to a non-plus the Eng- 

lishman, that argued by signs 103 

20. How Thau mast relateth the virtues and 

knowledge of Panurge 105 

21. How Panurge was in love with a Lady of 

Paris 106 

22. How Panurge served a Parisian Lady a 

trick that pleased her not very well 107 

23. How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hear- 

ing news that the Dipsodes had invaded 
the Land of the Amaurots; and the cause 
wherefore the Leagues are so short in 
France 108 

24. A Letter which a Messenger brought to 

Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris, to- 
gether with the exposition of a Posy 
written in a gold ring 109 

25. How Panurge, Garpalim, Ensthenes, and 

Epistemon, the Gentlemen Attendants of 
Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited 
six hundred and threescore Horsemen 
very cunningly 111 

26. How Pantagruel and his Company were 

weary in eating still salt meats; and how 
Carpalim went a hunting to have some 
venison 112 

27. How Pantagruel set up one trophy in me- 

morial of their valour, and Panurge an- 
other in remembrance of the Hares. I low 
Pantagruel likewise with his Farts begat 
little Men, and with his Fisgs little Wom- 
en: and how Panurge broke a great Staff 
o\er two glasses 113 

28. How Panlagrucl got the Victory very 



CONTENTS 



strangely over the Dipsodes, and the 
Giants 114 

29. How Pantagruel discomfited the three hun- 

dred Giants armed with freestone, and 
Loupgarou their Captain 117 

30. How Epislemon, who had his head cut oil, 

was finely healed by Panurge, and of the 
news which he brought from the Devils, 
and of the damned People in Hell 119 

31. How Pantagruel entered into the city of 

the Amaurots, and how Panurge married 
King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying 
Hag, and made him a crier of green 
sauce 1 22 

82. How Pantagruel with his Tongue covered a 
whole Army, and what the Author saw in 
his Mouth 123 

33. How Pantagruel became sick, and the man- 

ner how lie was recovered 124 

34. The conclusion of this present Book, and 

the excuse of the Author 125 

BOOK III 

THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF 
THE GOOD PANTAGRUEL 

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 127 

1. How Pantagruel transported a Colony of 

Utopians into Dipsody 131 

2. How Panurge was made Laird of Sulmy- 

gondin in Dipsodie, and did waste his 
Revenue before it came in 133 

3. How Panurge praiseth the Debtors and 

Borrowers 135 

4. Panurge continues his Discourse in the 

praise of Borrowers and Lenders 137 

5. I low Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the 

Debtors and Borrowers 139 

6. Why new married Men were privileged 

from going to the Wars 140 

7. How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and 

forbore to wear any longer his magnifi- 
cent Codpiece 141 

8. Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief 

piece of armour amongst Warriors 143 

9. How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel 

whether he should marry, yea, or nay 144 

10. How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge 

the difficulty of giving advice in the mat- 
ter of marriage; and to that purpose 
mentioneth somewhat of the Homeric 
and Virgilian Lotteries 146 

11. How Pantagruel sheweth the trial of one's 

fortune by the throwing of dice to be un- 
lawful " 148 

12. How Pantagruel doth explore by the Vir- 

gilian Lottery what fortune Panurge shall 
have in his marriage 148 

13. How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the 

future good or bad luck of his marriage 
by dreams 150 

14. Panurge's dream, with the interpretation 

thereof 154 



15. Panurge's excuse and exposition of the mo- 

nastic mystery concerning powdered beef 

156 

16. How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to con- 

sult with the Sibyl of Pair/oust 158 

17. How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Pan- 

zoust 159 

18. How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely 

expound the verse.s of the Sibyl of Pan- 
zoust 161 

19. How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of 

dumb men 163 

20. How Coatsnose by signs maketh answer to 

Panurge 166 

21. How Panurge consulteth with an old French 

poet, named Raminagrobis 168 

22. How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth 

the order of the begging Friars 169 

23. How Panurge maketh a motion of a return 

to Raminagrobis 171 

24. How Panurge consulteth with Episte- 

nion 173 

25. How Panurge consulteth with Her Trip- 

pa 175 

26. How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of 

the Funnels 178 

27. How Friar John merrily and sportingly 

counselleth Panurge 180 

28. How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the 

doubtful matter of cuckoldry 181 

29. How Pantagruel convocated together a The- 

ologian, Physician, Lawyer, and Philoso- 
pher, for extricating Panurge out of the 
perplexity wherein he was 185 

30. How the theologue, Hippothadeus, giveth 

counsel to Panurge in the matter and 
business of his nuptial enterprise 186 

31. How the physician Ronclibilis counselleth 

Panurge 188 

32. How Ronclibilis dcclareth cuckoldry to be 

naturally one of the appendances of mar- 
riage 191 

33. Rondibilis the Physician's cure of cuck- 

oldry 193 

34. How women ordinarily have the greatest 

longing after things prohibited 195 

35. How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth 

the difficulty of marriage 197 

36. A continuation of the answers of the Eph- 

ectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouil- 
logan 198 

37. How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take 

counsel of a fool 201 

38. How Triboulet is set forth and blazoned by 

Pantagruel and Panurge 202 

39. How Pantagruel was present at the trial of 

Judge Bridlcgoose, who decided causes 
and controversies in law by the chance 
and fortune of the dice 204 

40. How Bridlegoosc giveth reasons, why he 

looked over those law-papers, which he 
decided by the chance of the dice 206 



41. How Bridlegoose relatcth the history of the 

reconcilers of parties at variance in mat- 
ters of law 207 

42. How suits at law are bred at first, and how 

they come afterwards to their perfect 
growth 210 

43. How Pantagruel exeuseth Bridlegoose in the 

matter of sentencing actions at law by the 
chance of the dice 212 

44. How Pantagrnel relatcth a strange history 

of the perplexity of human judgment 213 

45. How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet 

215 

46. How Pantagrnel and Pan urge diversely in- 

terpret the words of Tribonlet '217 

47. How Pantagrnel and Panurge resolved to 

make a visit to the oracle of the holy 
bottle 218 

48. How Gargantna sheweth, that the children 

ought not to marry without the special 
knowledge and advice of their fathers and 
mothers 219 

49. How Pantagruel did put himself in a readi- 

ness to go to sea; and of the herb named 
Pantagrnclion 222 

50. How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be 

prepared and wrought 223 

51. Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the 

admirable viitues thereof 225 

52. How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of 

that nature that the fire is not able to 
consume it 228 

BOOK IV 

THE AUTHOR'S EPISTLE DEDICATORY 232 

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 234 

1. How Pantagrucl went to sea to visit the 

oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bot- 
tle 240 

2. How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the 

island of Medamothy 241 

3. How Pantagruel received a letter from his 

father Gargantna, and of the strange way 
to have speedy news from far distant 
places 242 

4. How Pantagrucl writ to his father Gargan- 

tua, and sent him several curiosities 243 

5. How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers 

returning from Lanternland 244 

6. How the fray being over, Panurge cheap- 

ened one of Dingdong's sheep 245 

7. Which if you read, you will find how 

Panurge bargained with Dingdong 246 

8. How Panurge caused Dingdong and his 

sheep to be drowned in the sea 247 

9. How Pantagruel arrived at the island of 

Ennasin, and of the strange ways of be- 
ing akin in that country 248 

10. How Pantagrnel went ashore at the island 

of Chely, where he saw King St. Pani- 
gon 250 

11. Why monks love to be in kitchens 251 



RABELAIS 

J2 



How Pantagruel passed through the land of 
Pettifogging, and of the strange way of 
living among the catchpoles 252 

13. How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord 

of Basche commended his servants 253 

14. A further account of catchpoles who were 

drubbed at Basche's house 255 

15. How the ancient custom at nuptials is re- 

newed by the catchpole 250 

16. How Friar John made trial of the nature ot 

the catchpoles 257 

17. How Pantagruel came to the islands of 

Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange death 
of Widenostrils, the swallower of Wind- 
mills 258 

18. How Pantagruel met with a great storm at 

sea ' " 259 

19. What countenances Panurge and Friar John 

kept during the storm 261 

20. How the Pilots were forsaking their ships in 

the greatest stress of weather 261 

21. A continuation of the storm, with a short 

discourse on the subject of making testa- 
ments at sea 263 

22. An end of the storm 264 

23. How Pannrge played the good fellow when 

the storm was over 265 

24. How Pannrge was said to have been afraid 

without reason, during the storm 265 

25. How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on 

shore in the Island of the Macreons 266 

26. How the good Maerobiiis gave us an ac- 

count of the Mansion and Decease of the 
Heroes 267 

27. Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of 

heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodi- 
gies that happened before the death of 
the late Lord de Langey 268 

28. How Pantagruel related a very sad story of 

the death of the Heroes 269 

29. How Pantagruel saded by the Sneaking 

Island, where Shrovetide reigned 270 

30. How Shrovetide is anatomized and de- 

scribed by Xenomancs 271 

31. Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized 272 

32. A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance, 

postures, and way of behaving 272 

33. How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous 

physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild 
Island 274 

34. How the monstrous physeter was slain by 

Pantagruel 275 

35. How Pantagrnel went on shore in the Wild 

Island, the ancient abode of the Chitter- 
lings 276 

36. How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambus- 

cade for Pantagruel 276 

37. How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul- 

Chitterling, and Colonel Cut-Pudding; 
with a discourse well worth your hear- 
ing, about the names of places and per- 
sons 277 



38. How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by 

men 279 

39. How Friar John joined with the cooks to 

fight the Chitterlings 280 

40. How Friar John fitted up the sow; and ot 

the valiant eooks that went into it 280 

41. How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at 

the knees " 282 

42. How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niph- 

leseth, Queen of the Chitterlings 283 

43. How Pantagruel went into the Island ot 

Ruach 283 

44. How small rain lays a high wind 284 

45. How Pantagruel went on shore in the Island 

of Pope-Figland 285 

46. How a junior devil was fooled by a hus- 

bandman of Popc-Fi gland 286 

47. How the Devil was decehed by an old 

woman of Pope-Figland 288 

48. How Pantagruel went ashore at the Island 

of Papimany 288 

49. How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, 

showed us the Uranopet decretals 290 

50. How Homenas showed us the Arch-type, or 

representation of a pope 291 

51. Table-talk in praise of the decretals 292 

52. A continuation of the miracles caused by 

the decretals 293 

53. How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is 

subtilely drawn out of France to Rome 

295 

54. How Homenas gave Pautagruel some bon- 



CONTENTS xi 

Christian pears 296 

55. How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard vari- 

ous imfro/en words 297 

56. How among the frozen words Pantagruel 

found some odd ones 298 

57. How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwell- 

ing ot Gastcr, the first master of arts in 
the world 299 

58. How, at the court of the Master of Ingenu- 

ity, Pantagruel detested the Engastri- 
mythes and the Castrolaters 300 

59. Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how, 

and what the Castrolaters sacrifice to 
their ventnpotent god 301 

60. What the Castrolalers sacrificed to their 

god on interlarded fish-days 302 

61. How Caster invented means to get and pre- 

serve corn 303 

62. How Caster invented an art to avoid being 

hurt or touched by cannon balls 304 

63. How Pantagruel fell asleep near the Island 

of Chaneph, and of the problems pro- 
posed to be solved when he waked 305 

64. How Panfagruel gave an answer to the 

problems ' 307 

65. How Pantagruel passed the time with his 

servants 308 

66. How, by PaMtagruel's order, the Muses were 

sainted near the Isle of Canabim 309 

67. How Panurge bewraved himself for fear; 

and of the; huge cat Hodilardus, which he 
took for a puny devil 310 



BOOK ONE 



THE INESTIMABLE LIFE OF THE GREAT GARGANTUA, 

FATHER OF PANTAGRUEL, HERETOFORE COMPOSED 

BY M. ALGOFRIBAS, 1 ABSTRACTOR OF THE QUINTESSENCE, 

A BOOK FULL OF PANTAGRUELISM 

TO THE READERS 

Good friends, my readers, who peruse this book, 
Be not offended, whilst on it you look : 
Denude yourselves of all deprav'd affection, 
For it contains no badness nor infection: 
'Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth 
Of any value, but in point of mirth; 
Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind 
Consume, I could no apter subject find; 

One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span; 

Because to laugh is proper to the man. 



THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 



MOST noble and illustrious drinkers, and you 
thrice precious pockified blades (for to you, 
and none else do I dedicate my writings ) , Al- 
cibiades, in that dialogue of Plato's which is 
entitled The Banquet, whilst he was setting 
forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates 
(without all question the prince of philoso- 
phers), amongst other discourses to that pur- 
pose said that he resembled the Sileni. Sileni 
of old were little boxes, like those we now 
may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted 
on the outside with wanton toyish figures, as 
harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, horned hares, 
saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and 
other such counterfeited pictures, at pleas- 
ure, to excite people unto laughter, as Silenus 
himself, who was the foster-father of good 
Bacchus, was wont to do; but within those 
capricious caskets called Sileni were carefully 
preserved and kept many rich and fine drugs, 
such as balm, ambergreese, amomon, musk, 
civet, with several kinds of precious stones, 
and other tilings of great price. Just such an- 
other thing was Socrates: for to have eyed his 
outside, and esteemed of him by his exterior 
l Alcofribas Nasier, anagram of Francois Rabelais. 



appearance, you would not have given the 
peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was 
in body, and ridiculous in his gesture. He had 
a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, 
and countenance of a fool; he was in his car- 
riage simple, boorish in his apparel, in for- 
tune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all 
offices in the commonwealth, always laugh- 
ing, tippling, and merry, carousing to every 
one, with continual gibes and jeers, the better 
hy those means to conceal his divine knowl- 
edge. Now, opening this box you would have 
found within it a heavenly and inestimable 
drug, a more than human understanding, an 
admirable virtue, matchless learning, invinci- 
ble courage, inimitable sobriety, certain con- 
tentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an 
incredible disregard of all that for which men 
commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, 
travel, toil, and turmoil themselves. 

Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this lit- 
tle flourish of a preamble tend? For so much 
as you, my good disciples, and some other 
jolly fools of ease and leisure, reading the 
pleasant titles of some books, of our inven- 
tion, as Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot, the 



RABELAIS 



Dignity of Codpieces, of Pease and Bacon, 
with a commentary, &c., are too ready to 
judge that there is nothing in them but jests, 
mockeries, lascivious discourse, and recrea- 
tive lies; because the outside (which is the 
title) is usually, without any farther inquiry, 
entertained with scoffing and derision. But 
truly it is very unbeseeming to make so 
slight account of the works of men, seeing 
yourselves avouch that it is not the habit that 
makes the monk, many being monasterially 
accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less 
than monachal; and that there are of those 
that wear Spanish caps who have but little of 
the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore 
is it, that you must open the book, and seri- 
ously consider of the matter treated in it. 
Then shall you find that it containeth things 
of far higher value than the box did promise; 
that is to say, that the subject thereof is not 
so foolish, as by the title at the first sight it 
would appear to be. 

And put the case, that in the literal sense 
you meet with purposes merry and solacious 
enough, and consequently very correspond- 
ent to their inscriptions, yet must not you 
stop there as at the melody of the charming 
Syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a 
sublimer sense, which possibly you intended 
to have spoken in the jollity of your heart. 
Did you ever pick the lock of a cupboard to 
steal a bottle of wine out of it? Tell me truly, 
and, if you did, call to mind the countenance 
which then you had. Or, did you ever see a 
dog with a marrow-bone in his mouth, the 
beast of all others, says Plato, lib. 2, De Re- 
publica, the most philosophical? If you have 
seen him, you might have remarked with 
what devotion and circumspect ness he wards 
and watcheth it: with what care he keeps it: 
how fervently he holds it: how prudently he 
gobbets it: with what affection he breaks it: 
and with what diligence he sucks it. To what 
end all this? What moveth him to take all 
these pains? What are the hopes of his la- 
bour? What doth he expect to reap thereby? 
Nothing but a little marrow. True it is, that 
this little is more savoury and delicious than 
the great quantities of other sorts of meat, be- 
cause the marrow (as Galen testifieth, 3, Fa- 
cult. Nat. and, 11, DC Usu Partium) is a nour- 
ishment most perfectly elaboured by nature. 

In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to 
be wise to smell, feel, and have in estimation, 
these fair, goodly books, stuffed with high 
conceptions, which though seemingly easy in 



the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter 
somewhat difficult. And then, like him, you 
must, by a sedulous lecture, and frequent 
meditation, break the bone, and suck out the 
marrow; that is, my allegorical sense, or the 
things I to myself propose to be signified by 
these Pythagorical symbols; with assured 
hope, that in so doing, you will at last attain 
to be both well-advised and valiant by the 
reading of them: for, in the perusal of this 
treatise, you shall find another kind of taste, 
and a doctrine of a more profound and ab- 
struse consideration, which will disclose unto 
you the most glorious doctrines and dreadful 
mysteries, as well in what conccrncth our re- 
ligion, as matters of the public state and life 
economical. 

Do you believe, upon your conscience that 
Homer, whilst he was couching his Iliads 
and Odysses, had any thought upon those 
allegories, which Plutarch, Hcraclides Pon- 
ticus, Eustathius, Cornutus, squeezed out of 
him, and which Politian filched again from 
them? If you trust it, with neither hand nor 
foot do you come near to my opinion, which 
judgeth them to have been as little dreamed 
of by Homer, as the gospel sacraments were 
by Ovid, in his Metamorphosis; though a cer- 
tain gulligut friar, and true bacon-picker 
would have undertaken to prove it, if, per- 
haps, he had met with as very fools as him- 
self, and as the proverb says, "a lid worthy of 
such a kettle." 

If you give any credit thereto, why do not 
you the same to these jovial new Chronicles 
of mine? Albeit, when I did dictate them, I 
thought thereof no more than you, who pos- 
sibly were drinking the whilst, as I was. For 
in the composing of this lordly book, I never 
lost nor bestowed any more, nor any other 
time, than what was appointed to serve me 
for taking of my bodily refection, that is, 
whilst I was eating and drinking. And, in- 
deed, that is the fittest and most proper hour, 
wherein to write these high matters and deep 
sentences: as Homer knew very well, the para- 
gon of all philologues, and Ennius, father of 
the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although 
a certain sneaking jobbernol alleged that his 
verses smelled more of the wine than oil. 

So saith a Turlupin or a new start-up grub 
of my books; but a turd for him. The fragrant 
odour of the wine, oh! how much more dain- 
ty, pleasant, laughing, celestial, and delicious 
it is, than that smell of oil! and I will glory as 
much when it is said of me, that I have spent 



PROLOGUE 



more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, 
when it was told him, that his expense on oil 
was greater than on wine. I truly hold it for 
an honour and praise to be called and reput- 
ed a frolic Gaulter and a Robin Goodfellow; 
for under this name am I welcome in all 
choice companies of Pantagruelists. It was 
upbraided to Demosthenes, by an envious, 
surly knave, that his Orations did smell like 
the sarpler, or wrapper of a foul and filthy 
oil vessel. For this cause interpret you all my 



deeds and sayings, in the perfectest sense; 
reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you 
with these faire billevczees and trifling jol- 
lities, and do what lies in you to keep me al- 
ways merry. Be frolic now, my lads, cheer 
up your hearts, and joyfully read the rest, 
with all the ease of your body and profit of 
your reins. But hearken, jolthoads, you vie- 
dazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink 
a health to me for the favour again, and I 
will pledge you instantly, Tout arcs-metys. 



CHAPTER 1 

Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua 

I MUST refer you to the great Chronicle of 
Paiitagmel for the knowledge of that gene- 
alogy and antiquity of race by which Gar- 
gantua is come unto us. In it you may under- 
stand more at large how the giants were born 
in this world, and how from them by a direct 
line issued Gargantua, the father of Panta- 
gruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I 
pass by it, although the subject be such, that 
the oftener it were remembered, the more 
it would please your worshipful Seniorias; ac- 
cording to which you have the authority of 
Plato in Philcbo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, 
who says that there are some kinds of pur- 
poses (such as these are without doubt) 
which, the frequentlier they be repeated, still 
prove the more delectable. 

Would to God every one had as certain 
knowledge of his genealogy since the time of 
the ark of Noah until this age. I think many 
are at this day emperors, kings, dukes, prin- 
ces, and popes on the earth, whose extraction 
is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as 
on the contrary, many are now poor wander- 
ing beggars, wretched and miserable, who 
are descended of the blood and lineage of 
great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I 
conceive it, by the transport and revolution of 
kingdoms and empires, from the Assyrians to 
the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, 
from the Persians to the Macedonians, from 
the Macedonians to the Romans, from the 
Romans to the Greeks, from the Greeks to 
the French. 

And to give you some hint concerning my- 
self, who speak unto you, I cannot think but 
I am come of the race of some rich king or 



prince in former times; for never yet saw you 
any man that had a greater desire to be a 
king, and to be rich, than I have, and that 
only that I may make good cheer, do nothing, 
nor care tor anything, and plentifully enrich 
rny friends, and all honest and learned men. 
But herein do I comfort myself, that in the 
other world I shall be so, yea, and greater too 
than at this present I dare wish. As for you, 
with the same or a better conceit consolate 
yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh 
if you can come by it. 

To return to our wethers, I say, that by the 
sovereign gift of heaven, the antiquity and 
genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved 
lor our use more hill and perfect than any 
other except that of the Messias, whereof I 
mean not to speak; for it belongs not unto 
my purpose, and the devils, that is to say, the 
false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will 
therein oppose me. This genealogy was found 
by John Andrew, in a meadow, which he had 
near the pole-arch under the olive tree, as 
you go to Narsay: where, as he was making a 
cast up of some ditches, the diggers with 
their mattocks struck against a great brazen 
tomb, and immeasurably long, for they could 
never find the end thereof, by reason that it 
entered too far within the sluices of Vienne. 
Opening this tomb in a certain place there- 
of, sealed on the top with the mark of a gob- 
let, about which was written in Hetrurian let- 
ters, HIC BIBITUR, they found nine flagons, set 
in such order as they used to rank their skit- 
tles in Gascony, of which that which was 
placed in the middle had under it a big, fat, 
great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pam- 
phlet, smelling stronger, but no better than 
roses. In that book, the said genealogy was 
found written all at length, in a chancery 



RABELAIS 



hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in 
wax, but in the bark of an elm tree; yet so 
worn with the long tract of time, that hard- 
ly could three letters together be there per- 
fectly discerned. 

J, though unworthy, was sent for thither, 
and with much help of those spectacles, 
whereby the art of reading dim writings, and 
letters that do riot clearly appear to the sight, 
is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it; did 
translate the book, as you may see in your 
Pantagruelising, that is to say, in drinking 
stiffly to your own heart's desire, and reading 
the dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel. 
At the end of the book there was a little trea- 
tise, entituled the Antidoted Fanfrehiches; 
or, a Galimatia of extravagant conceits. The 
rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other 
wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning: 
the rest I have hereto subjoined, for the rev- 
erence I bear to antiquity. 

CFIAPTER 2 

The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia 
of extravagant conceits found in an ancient 
Monument 

No sooner did the Cymbrians' overcommer 
Pass through the air to shun the dew of 

summer, 
But at his coming straight great tubs were 

fill'd, 
With pure fresh butter down in showers 

distill'd: 
Wherewith when water'd was his grandam 

heigh, 

Aloud he cried, fish it, sir, I pray; 
Because his beard is almost all bewray'd; 
Or, that he would hold to'm a scale he pray'd. 

To lick his slipper, some told was much 

better, 

Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. 
In th'interim a crafty chuff approaches, 
From the depth issued, where they fish for 

roaches; 
Who said, Good sire, some of them let us 

save, 

The eel is here, and in this hollow cave 
You'll find, if that our looks on it demur, 
A great waste in the bottom of his fur. 

To read this chapter when he did begin, 
Nothing but a calf s horns were found 

therein; 
I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold 



My head so chill, it makes my brain take cold. 
Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd, 
To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, 
Provided that a new thill-horse they made 
Of every person of a hair-brain'd head. 

They talked of the bunghole of Saint 

Knowlcs, 

Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes, 
If they might be reduc'd t' a scarry stuff, 
Such as might not be subject to the cough: 
Since ev'ry man unseemly did it find, 
To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind: 
For, if perhaps they handsomely were clos'tl, 
For pledges they to men might be expos'd. 

In this arrest by Hercules the raven 

Was flayed at her [his] return from Lybia 

haven. 

Why am not I, said Minos, there invited? 
Unless it be myself, not one's omitted: 
And then it is their mind, I do no more 
Of frogs and oysters send them any store: 
In case they spare my life and prove but 

civil, 
I give their sale of distaffs to the devil. 

To quell him comes Q. B. who limping frets 
At the safe pass of trixy crackarets; 
The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those 
Did massacre, whilst each one wip'd his nose: 
Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred, 
But on a tanner's mill are winnowed. 
Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear, 
You shall have more than you had the last 
year. 

Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove 
Resolv'd to speak, though dismal it should 

prove; 

Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, 
They should o'erthrow quite flat, down dead, 

th' empire. 
He rather chus'cl the fire from heaven to 

steal, 

To boats where were red-herrings put to sale; 
Than to be calm 'gainst those who strive to 

brave us, 
And to the Massorets fond words enslave us. 

All this at last concluded gallantly, 

In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh, 

Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta'en, 

In her old age, for a cresse-selling quean. 

Each one cried out, thou filthy collier toad, 

Doth it become thee to be found abroad? 



GARGANTUA 



Thou hast the Roman standard filch'd away, 
Which they in rags of parchment did display. 

Juno was born, who under the rainbow, 
Was a bird-catching with her duck below: 
When her with such a grievous trick they 

plyed, 

That she had almost been bcthwacked by it. 
The bargain was, that, of that throat-full, she 
Should of Proserpina have two eggs free; 
And if that she thereafter should be found, 
She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. 

Seven months thereafter lacking twenty-two, 
He, that of old did Carthage town undo, 
Did bravely rnidst them all himself advance, 
Requiring of them his inheritance; 
Although they justly made up the division, 
According to the shoe-welt-laws decision, 
By distributing store of brews and beef 
To these poor fellows that did pen the brief. 

But th' year will come, sign of a Turkish bow, 
Five spindles yarn'd and three pot-bottoms 

too, 

Wherein of a discourteous king the dock 
Shall pepper 'd be under an hermit's frock. 
Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must 
Permit so many acres to be lost! 
Cease, cease, this vizard may become 

another, 
Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's 

brother. 

'Tis in times past that he who is shall reign 
With his good friends in peace now and 

again. 
No rash nor heady prince shall then rule 

crave, 

Each good will its arbitrement shall have; 
And the joy, promised of old as doom 
To the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon 

come. 
Then shall the breeding marcs, that 

benumb'd were, 
Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there. 

And this continue shall from time to time, 
Till Mars be fettered for an unknown crime; 
Then shall one come, who others will sur- 
pass, 

Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. 
Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, 
All trusty friends of mine; for he's deceas'd 
Who would not for a world return again. 
So highly shall time past be cry'd up then. 



He who was made of wax shall lodge each 

member 

Close by the hinges of a block of timber. 
We then no more shall master, master, whoot 
The swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out; 
Could one seize on the dagger which he 

bears, 

Heads would be free from tingling in the cars, 
To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses; 
And thus farewell Apollo and the Muses. 

CHAPTER 3 

How Gargantua was carried eleven months 
in his Mother's Belly 

GRANGOUSIKH was a good fellow in his time, 
and notable jester; he loved to drink neat, as 
much as any man that then was in the world, 
and would willingly eat salt meat. To this 
intent he was ordinarily well furnished with 
gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, 
Mayence and Bayonnc, with store of dried 
neat's tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings 
and puddings, in their season; together with 
salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard 
rows of powdered mullet called botargos, 
great provision of sausages, not of Bolonia 
(for he feared the Lombard Bocconc) , but of 
Bigorre, Longaulnay, Brenc, and Rouarguc. 
In the vigour of his ago he married Garga- 
melle, daughter to the King of the Parpail- 
lons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed wench. 
These two did oftentimes do the two-backed 
beast together, joyfully rubbing and hotting 
their bacon against one another, in so far, 
that at last she became great with child of a 
fair son, and went with him unto the eleventh 
month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman 
carry her great belly, especially when it is 
some masterpiece of nature, and a person 
predestinated to the performance, in his duo 
time, of great exploits. As Homer says, that 
the child, which Neptune begot upon the 
Nymph, was borne a whole year after the 
conception, that is in the twelfth month. For, 
as Aulus Geflius saith, lib. 3 ,this long time 
was suitable to the majesty of Neptune, that 
in it the child might receive his peifeet form. 
For the like reason Jupiter made the night, 
wherein he lay with Alcnuma, last forty-eight 
hours, a shoiter time not being sufficient for 
the forging of Hercules, who cleansed the 
world of the monsters and tyrants, wherewith 
it was opprcst. My masters, the ancient Pan- 
tagruelists, have confirmed that which I say, 
and withal declared it to be not only possible, 



6 



RABELAIS 



but also maintained the lawful birth and le- 
gitimation of the infant born of a woman in 
the eleventh month after the decease of her 
husband. Hypocrates, lib. De Alimento. Plin- 
ius, lib. 7. cap. 5. Plautus, in his Cistellaria. 
Marcus Varro in his Satyre inscribed The 
Testament, alleging to this purpose the au- 
thority of Aristotle. Censorinus, lib. De Die 
Natali. Arist. ///;. 7. cap. 3 and 4. De Natura 
Animalium. Gellius, lib. 3. cap. 16. Servius, 
in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil's 
Eclogues, Matri longa dccetn, 1 &c. and a 
thousand other fools, whose number hath 
been increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et 
legit. I. intcstato. paragrapho. fin. and in 
Auth. de restitut. et ea qux parit in xi 
mense. 2 Moreover upon these grounds they 
have foisted in their Robidilardick, or Lapi- 
turolive law. Callus ff. de lib. et posth. I. sept, 
ff. de stat. horn. 3 and some other laws, which 
at this time I dare not name. By means 
whereof the honest widows may without 
danger play at the close-buttock game with 
might and main, and as hard as they can for 
the space of the first two months after the 
decease of their husbands. I pray you, my 
good lusty springal lads, if you find any of 
these females, that are worth the pains of un- 
tying the cod-piece-point, get up, ride upon 
them, and bring them to me; for, if they hap- 
pen within the third month to conceive, the 
child shall be heir to the deceased, if, before 
he died, he had no other children, and the 
mother shall pass for an honest woman. 

When she is known to have conceived, 
thrust forward boldly, spare her not, what- 
ever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As 
Julia, the daughter of the Emperor Octavian, 
never prostituted herself to her belly-bump- 
ers, but when she found herself with child, 
after the manner of ships that receive not 
their steersman, till they have their ballast 
and lading. Arid if any blame them for this 
their rataconniculation and reiterated lech- 
ery upon their pregnancy and big-bellied- 
ness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of their 
fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant 
to encroach them, their answer will be, that 
those are beasts, but they are women, very 
well skilled in the pretty vales, and small fees 
of the pleasant trade and mysteries of super- 
fetation: as Populia heretofore answered, ac- 
cording to the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. 
Saturnal. If the devil would not have them to 
bag, he must ring hard the spigot, and stop 
the bung-hole. 



CHAPTER 4 



How Gargamclle, being great with Gargan- 
tua, did eat a huge deal of tripes 

THE occasion and manner how Gargamelle 
was brought to bed, and delivered of her 
child, was thus: and, if you do not believe it, 
I wish your bum-gut may fall out, and make 
an escapade. Her bum-gut, indeed, or funda- 
ment escaped her in an afternoon, on the 
third day of February, with having eaten at 
dinner too many godebillios. Godebillios are 
the fat tripes of coiros. Coiros are beeves fat- 
tened at the cratch in ox stalls, or in the fresh 
guimo meadows. Guimo meadows are those, 
that for their fruitfulness may be mowed 
twice a year. Of those fat beeves they had 
killed three hundred sixty-seven thousand 
and fourteen, to be salted at Shrove-tide, that 
in the entering of the spring they might have 
plenty of powdered beef, wherewith to sea- 
son their mouths at the beginning of their 
meals, and to taste their wine the better. 

They had abundance of tripes, as you 
have heard, and they were so delicious, that 
every one licked his fingers. But as the devil 
would have it, for all men could do, there 
was no possibility to keep them long in that 
relish; for in a very short while they would 
have stunk, which had been an indecent 
thing. It was therefore concluded, that they 
should be all of them gulched up, without 
losing anything. To this effect they invited all 
the burghers of Sainais, of Smile", of the 
Roche-Clermaud, of Vaugaudry, without 
omitting the Goudray Monpensier, the Gue 
de Vcde, and other their neighbours, all stiff 
drinkers, brave fellows, and good players at 
nine-pins. The good man Grangousier took 
great pleasure in their company, and com- 
manded there should be no want, nor pinch- 
ing for anything. Nevertheless he bid his 
wife cat sparingly, because she was near 
her time, and that these tripes were no very 
commendable meat. They would fain, said 
he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would 
cat the case wherein it was. Notwithstand- 
ing these admonitions, she did eat sixteen 
quarters, two bushels, three pecks, and a pip- 
kin full. O the fair fecality, wherewith she 
swelled, by the ingredioncy of such shittcn 
stuff! 

After dinner they all went out in a hurle, 
to the grove of the willows, where, on the 
green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes, 
and pleasant bagpipes, they danced so gal- 



GARGANTUA 



lantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport 
to see them so frolic. 

CHAPTER 5 

Uow tliey chirped over their cups 

THEN did they fall upon the chat of victuals, 
arid some belly furniture to be snatched at in 
the very same place. Which purpose was no 
sooner mentioned, but forthwith began flag- 
ons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, 
great bowls to ting, glasses to ring. Draw, 
reach, fill, mix, give it me without water. So 
my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, 
bring me hither some claret, a full weeping 
glass till it run over. A cessation and truce 
with thirst. Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not 
be gone? By my figgins, godmother, I can- 
not as yet enter in the humour of being mer- 
ry, nor drink so currently as I would. You 
have catch'd a cold, gammer? Yea, forsooth, 
sir. By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of 
our drink : I never drink but at my houi s, like 
the Pope's mule. And I never drink but in my 
breviary, like a fair father guardian. Which 
was first, thirst or drinking? Thirst, for who 
in the time ot innocence would have drunk 
without being a thirst? Nay, sir, it was drink- 
ing; for privatio pnvsupponit habitum. 4 1 am 
learned, you see: Fcecundi calices quem non 
fccere disertum? 5 We poor innocents drink 
but too much without thirst. Not I truly, who 
am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, 
either present or future. To prevent it, as you 
know, I drink for the thirst to come. I drink 
eternally. This is to me an eternity of drink- 
ing, and drinking of eternity. Let us sing, let 
us drink, and tune up our roundlays. Where 
is my funnel? What, it seems I do not drink 
but by an attorney? Do you wet yourselves 
to dry, or do you dry to wet you? Pish, I un- 
derstand not the rhetoric (theoric I should 
say), but I help myself somewhat by the 
practice. Beast, enough! I sup, I wet, I hu- 
mect, I moisten my gullet, I drink, and all for 
fear of dying. Drink always and you shall 
never die. If I drink not, I am a ground dry, 
gravelled and spent. I am stark dead without 
drink, and my soul ready to fly into some 
marsh amongst frogs: the soul never dwells 
in a dry place, drought kills it. O you butlers, 
creators of new forms, make me of no drinker 
a drinker, perenity and everlastingness of 
sprinkling, and bedewing me through these 
my parched and sinewy bowels. He drinks in 
vain, that feels not the pleasure of it. This 



enlereth into my veins, the pissing tool and 
urinal vessels shall have nothing of it. I would 
willingly wash the tripes of the calf, which I 
appareled this morning. I have pretty well 
now ballasted my stomach, and stuffed my 
paunch. If the papers of my bonds and bills 
could drink as well as I do, my creditors 
would not want for wine when they come to 
see rne, or, when they are to make any formal 
exhibition of their rights to what of me they 
can demand. This hand of yours spoils your 
nose. O how many other such will enter here 
before this go out! What, drink so shallow? 
It is enough to break both girds and pettrel. 
This is called a cup of dissimulation, or flag- 
gonal hypocrisy. 

What difference is there between a bottle 
and a flagon? Great difference; for the bottle 
is stopped and shut up with a stopper, but 
the flagon with a vice. Bravely and well 
played upon the words! Our fathers drank 
lustily, and emptied their cans. Well cacked, 
well sung! Come, let us drink: will you send 
nothing to the river? Here is one going to 
wash the tripes. I drink no more than a 
sponge. I drink like a Templar Knight. And 
I, tanquam sponsus* And I, sicut terra sine 
aqua. 1 Give me a synonymon for a gammon 
of bacon. It is the compulsory of drinkers: it 
is a pully. By a pully-rope wine is let down 
into the cellar and by a gammon into the 
stomach. Hey! now boys, hither, some drink, 
some drink. There is no trouble in it. Respice 
personam, pone p\o duo, bus non est in usu* 
If I could get up as well as I can swallow 
down, I had been long ere now very high in 
the air. 

Thus became Tom Toss-pot rich; thus 
went in the tailor's stitch. Thus did Bacchus 
conquer Inde; thus Philosophy, Melinde. A 
little rain allays a great deal of wind; long 
tippling breaks the thunder. But, if there 
came such liquor from my ballock, would you 
not willingly thereafter suck the udder 
whence it issued? Here page, fill! I prythee, 
forget me not, when it comes to my turn, and 
I will enter the election I have made of thee 
into the very register of my heart. Sup, Guil- 
lot, and spare not, there is somewhat in the 
pot. I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jur- 
isdiction. Page, sue out my appeal in form. 
This remnant in the bottom of the glass must 
follow its leader. I was wont heretofore to 
drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Let us 
not make too much haste; it is requisite we 
carry all along with us. Hey day, here are 



8 



RABELAIS 



tripes fit for our sport, and, in earnest, ex- 
cellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) 
with the black streak. O, for God's sake, let 
us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. Drink, or 
I will. No, no, drink, 1 beseech you. Spar- 
rows will not eat unless you bob them on the 
tail, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. 
The concavities of my body are like another 
hell for their capacity. Lagonxdatera. There 
is not a corner, nor cuniburrow in all my 
body, where this wine doth not ferret out my 
thirst. Ho, this will bang it soundly. But this 
shall banish it utterly. Let us wind our horns 
by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry 
aloud, that whoever hath lost his thirst come 
not hither to seek it. Long clysters of drink- 
ing are to be voided without doors. The great 
Cod made the planets, and we make the 
platters neat. I have the word of the gospel in 
my mouth, Sitio? The stone called Asbestos 
is not more unquenchable than the thirst of 
my paternity, Appetite comes with eating, 
says Angeston, but the thirst goes away with 
drinking. I have a remedy against thirst, 
quite contrary to that which is good against 
the biting of a mad dog. Keep running after 
a dog, and he will never bite you; drink al- 
ways before the thirst, and it will never come 
upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. 
Argus had a hundred eyes for his sight, a 
butler should have (like Briarcus) a hundred 
hands wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. 
Hey now, lads, let us moisten ourselves, it 
will be time to dry hereafter. White wine 
here, wine, boys! Pour out all in the name of 
Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill (pcascods 
on you) till it be full. My tongue peels. JMTIS 
tringuc; to thee countryman, I drink to thee, 
good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, lively! 
Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, 
and bravely gulped over. O lachnjma Christi, 
it is of the best grape? F faith, pure Greek, 
Greek! O the fine white wine! upon my con- 
science, it is a kind of taffatas wine; bin, bin, 
it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good 
wool. Courage, comrade; up thy heart, Billy! 
We will not be beasted at this bout, for I 
have got one trick. Ex hoc in hoc. 10 There is 
no enchantment, nor charm there, every one 
of you hath seen it. My apprenticeship is out, 
I am a free man of this trade. I am prester 
Mace, Prish, Brum! I should say, master 
passe. O the drinkers, those that are a-dry, O 
poor thirsty souls! Good page, my friend, fill 
me here some, and crown the wine, I pray 
thee. A la Cardinalel Natura abhorret vac- 



uum. 11 Would you say that a fly could drink 
in this? This is after the fashion of Switzer- 
land. Clear off, neat, supernaculum! 12 Come, 
therefore, blades, to this divine liquor, and 
celestial juice, swill it over heartily, and spare 
not! It is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia. 

CHAPTER 6 

How Gargantua was bom in a strange 

manner 

WHILST they were on this discourse and 
pleasant tattle of drinking, Gargamelle be- 
gan to be a little unwell in her lower parts; 
whereupon Grangousier arose from off the 
grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly 
and kindly, suspecting that she was in tra- 
vail, and told her, that it was best for her to 
sit clown upon the grass under the willows, 
because she was likely very shortly to see 
young feet, and that therefore it was conven- 
ient she should pluck up her spirits, and take 
a good heart of new at the fresh arrival of her 
baby; saying to her withal, that although the 
pain was somewhat grievous to her, it would 
be but of short continuance, and that the suc- 
ceeding joy would quickly remove that sor- 
row, in such sort that she should not so much 
as remember it. On with a sheep's courage, 
quoth he. Dispatch this boy, and we will 
speedily fall to work for the making of an- 
other. Ha! said she, so well as you speak at 
your own ease, you that are men! Well then, 
in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing 
that you will have it so; but would to God 
that it were cut off from you! What, said 
Grangousier? Ha, said she, you are a good 
man indeed, you understand it well enough. 
What, rny member? said he. By the goat's 
blood, if it please you, that shall be done in- 
stantly; cause bring hither a knife. Alas, said 
she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to for- 
give me! I did not say it from my heart, there- 
fore let it alone, and do not do it neither 
more nor less any kind of harm for my speak- 
ing so to you. But I am like to have work 
enough to do to-day, and all for your mem- 
ber, yet God bless you and it. 

Courage, courage, said he, take you no 
care of the matter, let the four foremost oxen 
do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff 
more, and if, in the mean time, any thing be- 
fal you, that may require my presence, I will 
be so near to you, that, at the first whistling 
in your fist, I shall be with you forthwith. A 
little while after she began to groan, lament, 
and cry. Then suddenly came the midwives 



GARGANTUA 



9 



from all quarters, who groping her below, 
found some peloderies, which was a certain 
filthy stuff, and of a taste truly bad enough. 
This they thought had been the child, but it 
was her fundament that was slipt out with 
the mollification of her straight entrail, which 
you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eat- 
ing of too many tripes, as we have showed 
you before. Whereupon an old ugly trot in 
the company, who had the repute of an ex- 
pert she-physician, and was come from Brise- 
paillc, near to Saint Genou, three score years 
before, made her so horrible a restrictive and 
binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, 
arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, 
stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you 
could hardly have opened and enlarged them 
with your teeth, which is a terrible thing to 
think upon; seeing the devil at the mass at 
Saint Martin's was puzzled with the like task, 
when with his teeth he had lengthened out 
the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle 
tattle of two young mangy whores. By this 
inconvenience the cotyledons of her matrix 
were presently loosened, through which the 
child sprung up and leaped, and so, entering 
into the hollow vein, did climb by the dia- 
phragm even above her shoulders, where the 
vein divides itself into two, and from thence 
taking his way towards the left side, issued 
forth at her left ear. As soon as he was bom, 
he cried not as other babes use to do, miez, 
miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big 
voice shouted about, Some drink, some drink, 
some drink, as inviting all the world to drink 
with him. The noise hereof was so extremely 
great, that it was heard in both the countries 
at once, of Beaucc and Bibarois. I doubt 
me, that you do not thoroughly believe the 
truth of this strange nativity. Though you 
believe it not, I care not much: but an hon- 
est man, and of good judgment, believeth 
still what is told him, and that which he finds 
written. 

Is this beyond our law, or our faith; against 
reason or the Holy Scripture? For my part, I 
find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against 
it. But tell me, if it had been the will of God, 
would you say that he could not do it? Ha, 
for favour sake, I beseech you, never ember- 
lucock or impulregafize your spirits with 
these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I 
tell you, it is not impossible with God; and, 
if he pleased, all women henceforth should 
bring forth their children at the ear. Was not 
Bacchus engendered out of the very thigh of 



Did not Roquetaillade come out of 
bis mother's heel, and Crocmoush from the 
slipper of his nurse? Was not Minerva born of 
the brain, even through the eai of Jove? Ado- 
nis, of the bark of a myrrh tree; and Castor 
and Pollux of the doupe of that egg which 
was laid and hatched by Leda? But you 
would wonder more, and with far greater 
amazement, if I should now present you with 
that chapter of Plinius, wherein he treateth of 
strange births, and contrary to nature, and 
yet am I not so impudent a liar as he was. 
Read the seventh book of his Natural History, 
chap. 3, and trouble not my head any more 
about this. 

CHAPTER 7 

After what manner Gargantua had his name 
given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, 
and curried the can 

THE good man Grangousicr, drinking and 
making merry with the rest, heard the hor- 
rible noise which his son had made as he en- 
tered into the light of this woild, vvhcMi he 
cried out, Some drink, some drink, some 
drink; whereupon he said in French (Jue 
grand tti as et souple le gousierl n that is to 
say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast. 
Which the company hearing said, that verily 
the child ought to be called Gargantua; be- 
cause it was the first word that after his birth 
his father had spoke, in imitation, and at the 
example, of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto 
he condescended, and his mother was very 
well pleased therewith. In the mean while, 
to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a 
tirelarigot, that is, till his throat was like to 
crack with it; then was he carried to the font, 
and there baptized, according to the manner 
of good Christians. 

Immediately thereafter were appointed for 
him seventeen thousand nine hundred and 
thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and 
Brehemond, to furnish him with milk in or- 
dinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse 
sufficient for him in all the country, consider- 
ing the great quantity of milk that was requi- 
site for his nourishment; although there were 
not wanting some doctors of the opinion of 
Scotus, who affirmed that his own mother 
gave him suck, and that she could draw out 
of her breasts one thousand four hundred two 
pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time. 

Which indeed is not probable, and this 
point hath been found duggishly scandalous 
and offensive to tender ears, for that it sav- 



10 



RABELAIS 



oured a little of heresy. Thus was he handled 
for one year and ten months; after which 
time, by the advice of physicians, they began 
to carry him, and then was made for him a 
fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the inven- 
tion of Jan Denio, wherein they led him hith- 
er and thither with great joy; and he was 
worth the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had 
a burly physiognomy, and almost ten chins. 
He cried very little, but beshit himself every 
hour; for, to speak truly of him, he was won- 
derly phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by 
reason of his natural complexion, and the ac- 
cidental disposition which had befallen him 
by his too much quaffing of the Septembral 
juice. Yet without a cause did not he sup one 
drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angiy, 
displeased, or sorry, if he did fiet, if he did 
weep, if he did cry, and what grievous quar- 
ter soever he kept, in bringing him some 
drink, he would be instantly pacified, reseat- 
ed in his own temper, in a good humour 
again, and as still and quiet as ever. One of 
his governesses told me (swearing by her 
fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind 
of way, that, at the sound of pints and flag- 
ons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecsta- 
sy, as if he had then tasted of the joys of par- 
adise; so that they, upon consideration of this, 
his divine complexion, would every morning, 
to cheer him up, play with a knife upon the 
glasses, on the bottles with their stopples, and 
on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, 
at the sound whereof he became gay, did 
leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in 
the cradle, then nod with his head, monocor- 
dising with his fingers, and barytonising with 
his tail. 

CHAPTER 8 

How they apparelled Gargantua 

BEING of this age, his father ordained to have 
clothes made to him in his own livery, which 
was white and blue. To work then went 
the tailors, and with great expedition were 
clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to 
the fashion that was then in request. I find by 
the ancient records or pancarts, to be seen in 
the chamber of accounts, or Court of the Ex- 
chequer at Montsoreau, that he was accou- 
tred in manner as followeth. To make him ev- 
ery shirt of his were taken up nine hundred 
ells of Chateleraud linen, and two hundred 
for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which 
they put under his arm -pits. His shirt was not 



gathered nor plaited, for the plaiting of shirts 
was not found out, till the seamstresses 
(when the point of their needles was broken) 
began to work and occupy with the tail. 
There were taken up for his doublet, eight 
hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and 
for his points fifteen hundred and nine dogs' 
skins and a half. Then was it that men began 
to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not 
their doublets to their breeches: for it is 
against nature, as hath most amply been 
showed by Ockam upon the exponibles of 
Master Hautechaussade. 

For his breeches wore taken up eleven 
hundred and five ells and a third of white 
broad cloth. They were cut in the form of pil- 
lars, chamfered, channelled, and pinked be- 
hind, that they might not overheat his reins: 
and were, within the panes, puffed out with 
the lining of as much blue damask as was 
needful; and remark, that he had very good 
leg-harness, proportionable to the rest of his 
stature. 

For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and 
a quarter of the same cloth, and it was fash- 
ioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch 
most gallantly fastened with two eiiLimelled 
clasps, in each of which was set a great emer- 
ald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, 
lib. De Lapidibns, and Plinius, libra ultimo, 
it hath an erective virtue and comfort and 
comfortative of the natural member. The exi- 
ture, out-jccting or out-standing of his cod- 
piece, was of the length of a yard, jagged and 
pinked, and withal bagging, and strutting out 
with the blue damask lining, after the man- 
ner of his breeches. But had you seen the fair 
embroidery of the small needle-work pearl, 
and the curiously interlaced knots, by the 
goldsmith's art set out and trimmed with rich 
diamonds, precious rubies, fine torquoiscs, 
costly emeralds, and Persian pearls, you 
would have compared it to a fair Cornucopia, 
or horn of abundance, such as you see in an- 
tiques, or as Rhea gave to the two nymphs, 
Amalthea and Ida, the nurses of Jupiter. 

And, like to that hoin of abundance, it was 
still gallant, succulent, droppy, sappy, pithy, 
lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, 
full of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all 
manner of delight. I avow God, it would have 
done one good to have seen him, but I will tell 
you more of him in the book which I have 
made, Of the Dignity of Codpieces. One 
thing I will tell you, that, as it was both long 
and large, so was it well furnished and victu- 



GARGANTUA 



11 



ailed within, nothing like unto the hypocriti- 
cal codpieces of some fond wooers, and 
wench-courters, which are stuffed only with 
wind, to the great prejudice of the female 
sex. 

For his shoes were taken up four hundred 
and six ells of blue crimson velvet, and were 
very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in 
uniform cylinders. For the soling of them 
were made use of eleven hundred hides of 
brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keel- 
ing. 

For his coat were taken up eighteen hun- 
dred ells of blue velvet, dyed in grain, em- 
broidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, 
in the middle decked with silver pearl inter- 
mixed, with plates of gold, and stores of 
pearls, hereby showing, that in his time he 
would prove an especial good fellow, and 
singular whip-can. 

His girdle was made of three hundred ells 
and a half of silken serge, half white and half 
blue, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of 
Valentia, nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his 
father could not endure these hidalgos bar- 
radios rnaranisados como diablos: but he had 
a fair sword made of wood, and the dagger of 
boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as 
any man could wish. 

His purse was made of the cod of an ele- 
phant, which was given him by Her Pracon- 
tal, proconsul of Lybia. 

For his gown were employed nine thou- 
sand six hundred ells, wanting two thirds, of 
blue velvet as before, all so diagonally 
pearled, that by true perspective issued 
thence an unnamed colour, like that you see 
in the necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, 
which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes of the 
beholders. For his bonnet or cap were taken 
up three hundred two ells and a quarter of 
white velvet, and the form thereof was wide 
and round, of the bigness of his head; for his 
father said, that the caps of the Marrabaise 
fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, 
would one time or other bring a mischief on 
those that wore them. For his plume, he wore 
a fair great blue feather, plucked from an 
Onocrontal of the country of Hircania the 
wild, very prettily hanging down over his 
right ear. For the jewel or broach which in 
his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, 
weighing three score and eight marks, a fail- 
piece enamelled, wherein was pourtrayed a 
man's body with two heads, looking towards 
one another, four arms, four feet, two arses, 



such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mys- 
tical beginning of man's nature; and about it 
was written in Ionic letters, 'Ayonrrj ov f rjrei 
ra eaurr/s, or rather 'Avfjp /ecu' 71^17 vyada 
cij>0pa>7ros JSicurara that is Vie et MtiHer junc- 
tion propiisime 1wmo. u 

To wear about his neck, he had a golden 
chain, weighing twenty-five thousand and 
sixty-three marks of gold, the links thereof be- 
ing made after the manner of great berries, 
amongst which were set in work green jas- 
pers, engraven, and cut dragon-like, all envi- 
roned with beams and sparks, as King Nicep- 
sos of old was wont to wear them: and it 
reached down to the very bust of the rising of 
his belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all 
his life-long, as the Greek physicians know 
well enough. For his gloves were put in work 
sixteen otters' skins, and three of the loupgar- 
ous or men-eating wolves, for the bordering 
of them: and of this stuff were they made, by 
the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlou- 
and. As for the rings which his father would 
have him to wear, to renew the ancient mark 
of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left 
hand a carbuncle as big as an ostrich's egg, 
enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness 
of a Turkey seraph. Upon the middle finger 
of the same hand, he had a ring made of four 
metals together, of the strangest fashion that 
ever was seen; so that the steel did not crash 
against the gold, nor the silver crush the cop- 
per. All this was made by Captain Chappuys, 
and Alcofribas his good agent. On the medi- 
cal finger of his right hand, he had a ring 
made spireways, wherein was set a perfect 
baleu ruby, a pointed diamond, and a Physon 
emerald, of an inestimable value. For Hans 
Carvel, the King of Melinda's jeweller, es- 
teemed them at the rate of three score nine 
millions eight hundred ninety-four thousand 
and eighteen French crowns of Beriy, and at 
so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize 
them. 

CHAPTER 9 

The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua 

GARGANTUA'S colours were white and blue, as 
I have showed you before, by which his fa- 
ther would give us to understand, that his 
son to him was a heavenly joy; for the white 
did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and 
rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. I 
know well enough, that, in reading this, you 
laugh at the old drinker, and hold this expo- 



12 



RABELAIS 



sition of colours to be very extravagant, and 
utterly disagreeable to reason, because white 
is said to signify faith, and blue, constancy. 
But without moving, vexing, heating or put- 
ting you in a chafe (for the weather is dan- 
gerous,), answer me, if it please you; for no 
other compulsory way of arguing will I use 
towards you, or any else; only now and then 
I will mention a word or two of my bottle. 
What is it that induceth you; what stirs you 
up to believe, or who told you, that white sig- 
ni fifth faith, and blue constancy? An old pal- 
try book, say you, sold by the hawking ped- 
lars and ballad-mongers, entitled The Blazon 
of Colours. Who made it? Whoever it was, he 
was wise in that he did not set his name to it. 
But, besides, I know not what I should rather 
admire in him, his presumption or his sottish- 
ness. His presumption and overweening, for 
that he should without reason, without cause, 
or without any appearance of truth, have 
dared to prescribe, by his private authority, 
what things should be denotated and signi- 
fied by the colour: which is the custom of ty- 
rants, who will have their will to bear sway 
instead of equity, and not of the wise and 
learned, who, with the evidence of reason, 
satisfy their readers. Mis sottishness and want 
of spirit, in that he thought, that without any 
other demonstration or sufficient argument, 
the world would be pleased to make his 
blockish and ridiculous impositions the rule 
of their devices. In effect, according to the 
proverb, "To a shitten tail fails never ordure," 
he hath found, it seems, some simple ninny in 
those rude times of old, when the wearing of 
high round bonnets was in fashion, who gave 
some trust to his writings, according to which 
they carved and engraved their apophthegms 
and mottos, trapped and caparisoned their 
mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their 
pages, quartered their breeches, bordered 
their gloves, fringed the curtains and va- 
lances of their beds, painted their ensigns, 
composed songs, and, which is worse, played 
many deceitful jugglings, and unworthy base 
tricks undiscoveredly, amongst the very chas- 
test matrons. In the like darkness and mist of 
ignorance are wrapped up these vain-glorious 
courtiers, and name-transposers, who, going 
about in their impresas to signify csperance 
[espoir,] (that is, hope) have pourtrayed a 
sphere; and bird's pennes for pains; 1'Ancho- 
lie (which is the flower colombine) for mel- 
ancholy; a horned moon or crescent, to show 
the increasing or rising of one's fortune; a 



bench rotten and broken, to signify bank- 
rupt; non and a corslet for non dur habit ( oth- 
erwise non durabit, it shall not last); un lit 
sans del, that is, a bed without a tester, for 
un licentie, a graduated person, as, bachelor 
in divinity, or utter barrister-at-law; which 
are equivocals so absurd and witless, so bar- 
barous and clownish, that a fox's tail should 
be fashioned to the neck-piece of, and a viz- 
ard made of a cow's-turd given to, every one 
that henceforth should offer, after the restitu- 
tion of learning, to make use of any such fop- 
peries in France. 

By the same reasons (if reasons I should 
call them, and not ravings rather, and idle tri- 
flings about words) might I cause paint a 
pannier, to signify that I am in pain a mus- 
tard-pot, that my heart tarries much for it- 
one pissing upwards for a bishop the bottom 
of a pair of breeches for a vessel full of fart- 
hingsa codpiece for the office of the clerks 
of the sentences, decrees or judgments, or 
rather, (as the English bears it,) for the tail 
of a cod-fish and a clog's turd, for the dainty 
turret, wherein lies the heart of my sweet- 
heart. 

Far otherwise did heretofore the sages of 
Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which 
they called Hieroglyphics, which none under- 
stood who were not skilled in the virtue, 
property and nature of the things represented 
by them. Of which Orus Apollo hath in Greek 
composed two books, and Polyphilus, in his 
Dream of Love, set down more. In France 
you have a taste of them in the device or im- 
presa of my Lord Admiral which was carried 
before that time by Octavian Augustus. But 
my little skiff along these unpleasant gulfs 
and shoals will sail no further, therefore must 
I return to the port from whence I came. Yet 
do I hope one day to write more at large of 
these things, and to show both by philosophi- 
cal arguments and authorities, received and 
approved of, by and from all antiquity, what, 
and how many colours there are in nature, 
and what may be signified by every one of 
them, if God save the mould of my cap, 
which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam 
said. 

CHAPTER 10 

Of that which is signified by the colours 
white and blue 

THE white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and 
gladness, and that not at random, but upon 



GARGANTUA 



13 



just and very good grounds: which you may 
perceive to be true, if, laying aside all preju- 
dicate affections, you will but give ear to 
what presently I shall expound unto you. 

Aristotle saith, that, supposing two things 
contrary in their kind, as good and evil, vir- 
tue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, 
pleasure and pain, joy and grief, and so of 
others, if you couple them in such manner, 
that the contrary of one kind may agree in 
reason with the contrary of the other, it must 
follow by consequence, that the other con- 
trary must answer to the remnant opposite to 
that wherewith it is conferred. As for exam- 
ple, virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, 
so are good arid evil. If one of the contraries 
of the first kind be consonant to one of those 
of the second, as virtue and goodness, for it is 
clear that virtue is good, so shall the other 
two contraries, which are evil and vice, have 
the same connexion, for vice is evil. 

This logical rule being understood, take 
these two contraries, joy and sadness, then 
these other two, white and black, for they 
are physically contrary. If so be, then, that 
black do signify grief, by good reason then 
should white import joy. Nor is this significa- 
tion instituted by human imposition, but by 
the universal consent of the world received, 
which philosophers call Jus Gentium, the 
Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable right of 
force in all countries whatsoever. For you 
know well enough, that all people, and all 
languages and nations, except the ancient 
Syracusans, and certain Argives, who had 
cross and thwarting souls, when they mean 
outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, 
go in black; and all mourning is done with 
black. Which general consent is not without 
some argument, and reason in nature, the 
which every man may by himself very sud- 
denly comprehend, without the instruction of 
any; and this we call the law of nature. By 
virtue of the same natural instinct, we know 
that by white all the world hath understood 
joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. In 
former times, the Thracians and Grecians did 
mark their good, propitious, and fortunate 
days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, 
and unfortunate ones with black. Is not the 
night mournful, sad, and melancholy? It is 
black and dark by the privation of light. Doth 
not the light comfort all the world? And it is 
more white than anything else. Which to 
prove, 1 could direct you to the book of Lau- 
rentius Valla against Bartolus; but an Evan- 



gelical testimony I hope will content you. In 
Matth. 17, it is said, that at the transfigura- 
tion of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt 
alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white 
like the light. By which lightsome whiteness 
he gave his three apostles to understand the 
Idea and Figure of the eternal joys; for by the 
light are all men comforted, according to the 
word of the old woman, who, although she 
had never a tooth in her head, was wont to 
say, Bona lux. r And Tobit, chap. 5, after he 
had lost his sight, when Raphael saluted him, 
answered, what joy can 1 have, that do not 
see the light of heaven? In that colour did the 
angels testify the joy of the whole world, at 
the resurrection of our Saviour, John 20, and 
at his Ascension, Acts 1. With the like colour 
of vesture did St. John the Evangelist, Apoc. 
4. 7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly 
and blessed Jerusalem. 

Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin, 
histories, and you shall find, that the town of 
Alba, (the first pattern of Rome,) was found- 
ed, and so named by reason of a white sow 
that was seen there. You shall likewise find in 
those stories, that when any man, after he 
had vanquished his enemies, was, by a decree 
of the senate, to enter into Rome triumphant- 
ly, he usually rode in a chariot drawn by 
white horses: which, in the Ovatian Tri- 
umph, was also the custom; for by no sign or 
colour would they so significantly express the 
joy of their coining, as by the white. You shall 
there also find, how Pericles, the general of 
the Athenians, would needs have that part of 
his army, unto whose lot befel the white 
beans, to spend the whole day in mirth, 
pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a- 
fighting. A thousand other examples and pla- 
ces could I allege to this purpose, but that it 
is not here where I should do it. 

By understanding hereof, you may resolve 
one problem, which Alexander Aphrodiseus 
hath accounted unanswerable, why the lion 
who, with his only cry and roaring, affrights 
all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white 
cock? For, as Proclus saith, libra De Sacrificio 
et Magia, it is because the presence, or the 
virtue of the sun, which is the organ and 
promptuary of all terrestrial and siderial 
light, doth more symbolise and agree with a 
white cock, as well in regard of that colour, as 
of his property and specifical quality, than 
with a lion. He saith furthermore, that devils 
have been often seen in the shape of lions, 
which, at the sight of a white cock, have pres- 



14 



RABELAIS 



ently vanished. This is the cause why Galli 
(so are the Frenchmen called, because they 
are naturally as white as milk, which the 
Greeks call Gala) do willingly wear in their 
caps white feathers, for by nature they are of 
a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, 
and well-beloved, and for their cognizance 
and arms have the whitest flower of any, the 
Flower de luce, or Lily. 

If you demand, how, by white, nature 
would have us understand joy and gladness? 
I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is 
thus. For, as the white doth outwardly dis- 
perse and scatter the rays of the sight, where- 
by the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, 
according to the opinion of Aristotle in his 
problems and perspective treatises; as you 
may likewise perceive by experience when 
you pass over mountains covered with snow, 
how you will complain that you cannot see 
well; as Xenophon writes to have happened 
to his men, and as Galen very largely declar- 
eth, lib. 10. De Usu Partium: just so the heart 
with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and 
suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital 
spirits, which may go so far on, that it may 
thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and 
by consequence of life itself, by this peri- 
charie or extremity of gladness, as Galen 
saith, lib. 12, Method, lib. 5, de Locis Affec- 
tis, and lib. 2, De Symptomatum Causis. And 
as it hath come to pass in former times, wit- 
ness Marcus Tullius, lib. 1. Quzest Tuscul. 
Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, in his relation 
of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7. cap. 32 
and 34, A. Gellius, lib. 3. c. 15, and many oth- 
er writers, to Diagoras the Rhodian, Chilon, 
Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Phi- 
lippides, Philemon, Polycrates, Philistion, M. 
Juventi, and others who died with joy. And 
as Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. De Vi- 
rib. Cordis, of the saffron, that it doth so re- 
joice the heart, that, if you take of it excessive- 
ly, it will by a superfluous resolution and di- 
lation deprive it altogether of life. Here pe- 
ruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1. Probl. cap. 19, 
and that for a cause. But what? It seems I 
am entered further into this point than I in- 
tended at the first. Here, therefore, will 
I strike sail, referring the rest to that book 
of mine, which handleth this matter to the 
full. Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, 
that blue doth certainly signify heaven and 
heavenly things, by the very same tokens 
and symbols, that white signified? joy and 
pleasure. 



CHAPTER 11 



Of the youthful age of Gargantua 

GARGANTUA, from three years upwards unto 
five, was brought up and instructed in all con- 
venient discipline, by the commandment of 
his father; and spent that time like the other 
little children of the country, that is, in drink- 
ing, eating, and sleeping: in eating, sleeping, 
and drinking: and in sleeping, drinking, and 
eating. Still he wallowed and rolled himself 
up and down in the mire and dirt: he blurred 
and sullied his nose with filth; he blotted and 
smutched his face with any kind of scurvy 
stuff; he trod down his shoes in the heel; at 
the flies he did often times yawn, and ran very 
heartily after the butterflies, the empire 
whereof belonged to his father. He pissed in 
his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose 
on his sleeve; he did let his snot and snivel fall 
in his pottage, and dabbled, paddled and 
slobbered every where; he would drink in his 
slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a 
pannier. He sharpened his teeth with a top, 
washed his hands with his broth, and combed 
his head with a bowl. He would sit down be- 
twixt two stools, and his arse to the ground; 
would cover himself with a wet sack, and 
drink in eating of his soup. He did eat his 
,cake sometimes without bread, would bite in 
laughing, and laugh in biting. Oftentimes did 
he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss 
against the sun, and hide himself in the water 
for fear of rain. He would strike out of the 
cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and 
wriggle it. He would flay the fox, say the 
ape's pater-noster, return to his sheep, and 
turn the hogs to the hay. He would beat the 
dogs before the lion, put the plough before 
the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He 
would pump one to draw somewhat out of 
him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, 
and always eat his white bread first. He shoed 
the geese, tickled himself to make himself 
laugh, and was cook-ruffin in the kitchen: 
made a mock at the gods, would cause sing 
Magnificat at Matins, and found it very con- 
venient so to do. He would eat cabbage, and 
shite beets; knew flies in a dish of milk, and 
would make them lose their feet. He would 
scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away 
as hard as he could. He would pull at the 
kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then 
reckon without his host. He would beat the 
bushes without catching the birds, thought 
the moon was made of green cheese, and that 



GARGANTUA 



15 



bladders are lanterns. Out of one sack he 
would take two moultures or fees for grind- 
ing; would act the ass's part to get some bran, 
and of his fist would make a mallet. He took 
the cranes at the first leap, and would have 
the mail-coats to be made link after link. He 
always looked a gift horse in the mouth, 
leaped from the cock to the ass, and put one 
ripe between two green. By robbing Peter he 
paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, 
and hoped to catch larks if ever the heavens 
should fall. He did make of necessity virtue, 
of such bread such pottage, and cared as little 
for the peeled as for the shaven. Every morn- 
ing he did cast up his gorge, and his father's 
little dogs eat out of the dish with him, and 
he with them. He would bite their ears, and 
they would scratch his nose; he would blow 
in their arses, and they would lick his chaps. 
But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill 
betake you, and whirl round your brains, if 
you do not give ear! this little lecher was al- 
ways groping his nurses and governesses, up- 
side down, arsiversy, topsiturvy, harri bourri- 
quet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling 
them very rudely in jumbling and tumbling 
them to keep them going; for he had already 
begun to exercise the tools, and put his cod- 
piece in practice. Which codpiece, or bra- 
guette, his governesses did every day deck up* 
and adorn with fair nosegays, curious rubies, 
sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very 
pleasantly would pass their time in taking you 
know what between their fingers, and dan- 
dling it, till it did revive and creep up to the 
bulk and stiffness of a suppository, or street 
magdaleon, which is a hard rolled up salve 
spread upon leather. Then did they burst out 
in laughing, when they saw it lift up its ears, 
as if the sport had liked them. One of them 
would call it her pillicock, her fiddle-diddle, 
her staff of love, her tickle-gizzard, her gen- 
tle-titler. Another, her sugar-plum, her kingo, 
her old rowley, her touch-trap, her flap dow- 
dle. Another again, her branch of coral, her 
placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her tit- 
bit, her bob-lady. And some of the other 
women would give these names, my Roger, 
my cockatoo, my nimble-wimble, bush-beat- 
er, claw-buttock, eves-dropper, pick-lock, 
pioneer, bully-riiffin, smell-smock, trouble- 
gusset, my lusty live sausage, my crimson 
chitterlin, rump-splitter, shove-devil, down 
right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, at her 
again, my coney-borrow-ferret, wily-be- 
guiley, my pretty rogue. It belongs to me, 



said one. It is mine, said the other. What, 
quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? By 
my faith, I will cut it then. Ha, to cut it, said 
the other, would hurt him. Madam, do you 
cut little children's things? Were his cut off, 
he would be then Monsieur sans queue, the 
curtailed master. And that he might play and 
sport himself after the manner of the other 
little children of the country, they made him 
a fair weather whirl jack, of the wings of the 
windmill of Myrebalais. 

CHAPTER 12 

Of Gar gant uas Wooden Horses 

AFTERWARDS, that he might be all his lifetime 
a good rider, they made to him a fair great 
horse of wood, which he did make leap, cur- 
vet, yerk out behind, and skip forward, all at 
a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to 
play the hobby, the hackney gelding: go the 
gate of the camel, and of the wild ass. He 
made him also change his colour of hair, as 
the Monks of Coultibo (according to the va- 
riety of their holidays) use to do their clothes, 
from bay brown, to sorrel, daple-grey, mouse- 
dun, deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gin-gio- 
line, skued colour, piebald, and the colour of 
the savage elk. 

Himself of a huge big post made a hunting 
nag, and another for daily service of the 
beam of a wine-press: and of a great oak 
made up a mule, with a foot-clotn, for his 
chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve 
spare horses, and seven horses for post; and 
all these were lodged in his own chamber, 
close by his bed-side. One day the Lord of 
Breadinbag came to visit his father in great 
bravery, and with a gallant train: and at the 
same time, to see him, came likewise the 
Duke of Freemeale, and the Earl of Wetgul- 
let. The house truly for so many guests at 
once was somewhat narrow, but especially 
the stables; whereupon the steward and har- 
binger of the said Lord Breadinbag, to know 
if there were any other empty stable in the 
house, came to Gargantua, a little young 
lad, and secretly asked him where the stables 
of the great horses were, thinking that chil- 
dren would be ready to tell all. Then he led 
them up along the stairs of the castle, passing 
by the second hall unto a broad great gallery, 
by which they entered into a large tower, and 
as they were going up at another pair of 
stairs, said the harbinger to the steward, 
This child deceives us, for the stables are 



16 



RABELAIS 



never on the top of the house. You may be 
mistaken, said the steward, for I know some 
places at Lyons, at the Basrnette, at Chaisnon, 
and elsewhere, which have their stables at 
the very tops of the houses; so it may be, that 
behind the house there is a way to come to 
this ascent. But I will question with him fur- 
ther. Then said he to Gargantua, my pretty 
little boy, whither do you lead us? To the sta- 
ble, said he, of my great horses. We are al- 
most come to it, we have but three stairs to 
go up at. Then leading them along another 
great hall, he brought them into his chamber, 
and, closing the door, said unto them, this is 
the stable you ask for, this is my gennet, this 
is my gelding, this is my courser, and this is 
my hackney, and laid on them with a great 
lever. I will bestow upon you, said he, this 
Frizeland horse, I had him from Francfort, 
yet will I give him you; for he is a pretty lit- 
tle nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of 
goshawks, half a dozen of spaniels, and a 
brace of grey-hounds: thus are you king of 
the hares and partridges for all this winter. 
By St. John, said they, now we are paid, he 
hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we 
are now for ever. I deny it, said he, he was 
not here above three days. Judge you now, 
whether they had most cause, either to hide 
their heads for shame, or to laugh at the jest. 
As they were going down again thus amazed, 
he asked them, will you have a whimwham? 
What is that, said they? It is, said he, five 
turds to make you a muzzle. To-day, said the 
steward, though we happen to be roasted, we 
shall not be burnt, for we are pretty well 
quipped and larded in my opinion. O my jol- 
ly dapper boy, thou has given us a gudgeon, I 
hope to see thee pope before I die. I think so, 
said he, myself; and then shall you be a pup- 
py, and this gentle popinjay a perfect pape- 
lard, that is, dissembler. Well, well, said the 
harbinger. But, said Gargantua, guess how 
many stitches there are in my mother's 
smock. Sixteen, quoth the harbinger. You do 
not speak Gospel, said Gargantua, for there is 
sent before, and sent behind, and you did 
reckon them ill, considering the two under 
holes. When, said the harbinger? Even then, 
said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of 
your nose to take up a quarter of dirt, and of 
your throat a funnel, wherewith to put it into 
another vessel, because the bottom of the old 
one was out. Cocksbod, said the steward, we 
have met with a prater. Farewell, master tat- 
ler, God keep you, so goodly are the words 



which you come out with, and so fresh in your 
mouth, that it had need to be salted. 

Thus going down in great haste, under the 
arch of the stairs they let fall the great lever, 
which he had put upon their backs; whereup- 
on Gargantua said, what a devil! you are, it 
seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your 
bilder to fail you, when you need him most. If 
you were to go from hence to Calm sac, 
whether had you rather ride on a gosling, or 
lead a sow in a leash? I had rather drink, said 
the harbinger. With this they entered into the 
lower hall, where the company was, and re- 
lating to them this new story, they made them 
laugh like a swarm of flies. 

CHAPTER 13 

How Gargantna's wonderful understanding 
became known to his FatJier Grangousier, 
by the invention of a torcliecul or wipe- 
breech 

ABOUT the end of the fifth year, Grangousier, 
returning from the conquest of the Ganarians, 
went by the way to see his son Gargantua. 
There was he filled with joy, as such a father 
might be at the sight of such a child of his: 
and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he 
asked many childish questions of him about 
Delivers matters, and drank very freely with 
him and with his governesses, of whom in 
great earnest he asked, amongst other things, 
whether they had been careful to keep him 
clean and sweet? To this Gargantua an- 
swered, that he had taken such a course for 
that himself, that in all the country there was 
not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How 
is that, said Grangousier? I have, answered 
Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, 
found out a means to wipe my bum, the most 
lordly, the most excellent, and the most con- 
venient that ever was seen. What is that, said 
Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by and 
by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with 
a gentlewoman's velvet mask, and found it to 
be good; for the softness of the silk was very 
voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. 
Another time with one of their hoods, and in 
like manner that was comfortable. At another 
time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that 
I wiped me with some earpieces of hers made 
of crimson satin, but there was such a num- 
ber of golden spangles in them (turdy round 
things, a pox take them) that they fetched 
away all the skin off my tail with a vengeance. 
Now I wish St. Anthony's fire burn the bum- 



GARGANTUA 



gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of 
her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wip- 
ing myself with a page's cap, garnished with 
a feather after the Switzers' fashion. 

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I 
found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my 
breech, but her claws where so sharp that 
they scratched and exulcerated all my peri- 
nee. Of this I recovered the next morning 
thereafter, by wiping myself with my moth- 
er's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and 
scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I 
wiped me with sage, with fennel, with anet, 
with mar jorum, with roses, with gourd-leaves, 
with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the 
vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is 
a tail-scarlet, with lettuce and with spinage 
leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. 
Then with mercury, with pursly, with net- 
tles, with comfrey, but that gave me the 
bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by 
wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped 
my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the 
curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, 
with a green carpet, with a table cloth, with 
a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a comb- 
ing cloth; in all which I found more pleasure 
than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. 
Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul 
did you find to be the best? I was coming to 
it, said Gargantua, and by and by shall you 
hear the tn cnitcm, 17 and know the whole mys- 
tery and knot of the matter. I wiped myself 
with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, 
with flax, with wool, with paper, but, 

Who his foul tail with paper wipes, 
Shall at his ballocks leave some chips. 

What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, 
hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost 
rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, 
answered Gargantua, I can rhyme gallantly, 
and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. 
Hark, what the privy says to the skiters: 

Shittard 

Squittard 

Crakard 

Turdous, 
Thy bung 
Hath flung 
Some dung 

On us: 
Filthard 
Cackard 



17 

Stinkard, 

St. Anthony's fire seize on thy toane, 
If thy 
Dirty 
Dounby 

Thou do not wipe, ere 
thou be gone. 



Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, an- 
swered Grangousier. Then said Gargantua, 

A ROUNDELAY 

In shitting yesterday I did know 
The sess I to my arse did owe: 
The smell was such came from that slunk, 
That I was with it all bestunk: 

had but then some biavc Signor 
Brought her to me I waited for, 

In shitting! 

1 would have cleft her water-gap, 
And join'cl it close to my flip-flap, 
Whilst she had with her fingers guarded 
My foul nockandrow, all bemerded 

In shitting. 

Now say that I can do nothing! By the 
Merdi, they are not of my making, but I 
heard them of this good old grandam, that 
you see here, and ever since have retained 
them in the budget of my memory. 

Let us return to our purpose, said Gran- 
gousier. What, said Gargantua, to skite? No, 
said Grangousier, but to wipe our tails. But, 
said Gargantua, will not you be content to 
pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if 1 do not 
blank and gravel you in this matter, and put 
you to a non-plus? Yes truly, said Grangou- 
sier. 

There is no need of wiping one's tail, said 
Gargantua, but when it is foul; foul it cannot 
be, unless one have been a skiting; skite then 
we must, before we wipe our tails. O my pret- 
ty little waggish boy, said Grangousier, what 
an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thec 
very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial 
quirks of gay learning and that, by G , for 
thou hast more wit than age. Now, I pry- 
thee, go on in this torcheculatife, or wipe- 
bummatory discourse, and by my beard, I 
swear, for one puncheon, thou shalt have 
threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton 
wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in 
the good country of Verron. Afterwards I 
wiped my burn, said Gargantua, with a ker- 
chief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a 
pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked 



18 



RABELAIS 



and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. 
Of hats, note, that some are shorn, and others 
shaggy, some velveted, others covered with 
taffities, and others with satin. The best of all 
these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very 
neat abstersion of the fecal matter. 

Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, 
with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, 
with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, 
with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with 
a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, to con- 
clude, I say and maintain, that of all torche- 
culs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail napkins, 
bung-hole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, 
there is none in the world comparable to the 
neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you 
hold her neck betwixt your legs. And believe 
me therein upon mine honour, for you will 
thereby feel in your knuckle a most wonder- 
ful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of 
the said down, and of the temperate heat of 
the goose, which is easily communicated to 
the bum-gut, and the rest of the inwards, in 
so far as to come even to the regions of the 
heart and brains. And think not, that the 
felicity of the heroes and demigods in the 
Elysian fields consisteth either in their Aspho- 
dele, Ambrosia, or Nectar, as our old women 
here used to say; but in this, according to my 
judgment, that they wipe their tails with the 
neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt 
their legs, and such is the opinion of Master 
John of Scotland, alias Scotus. 

CHAPTER 14 

How Gargantua was taught Latin by a 
Sophister 

THE good man Grangousier having heard this 
discourse, was ravished with admiration, con- 
sidering the high reach, and marvellous un- 
derstanding of his son Gargantua, and said to 
his governesses, Philip King of Macedon 
knew the wit of his son Alexander, by his skil- 
ful managing of a horse; for his horse Buce- 
phalus was so fierce and unruly, that none 
durst adventure to ride him, after that he had 
given to his riders such devilish falls, break- 
ing the neck of this man, the other man's leg, 
braining one, and putting another out of his 
jaw-bone. This by Alexander being consid- 
ered, one day in the hippodrome, (which 
was a place appointed for the breaking and 
managing of great horses, ) he perceived that 
the fury of the horse proceeded merely from 
the fear he had of his own shadow, whereup- 



on getting on his back, he run him against the 
sun, so that the shadow fell behind, and by 
that means tamed the horse, and brought him 
to his hand. Whereby his father, knowing the 
divine judgment that was in him, caused him 
most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, 
who at that time was highly renowned above 
all the philosophers of Greece. After the same 
manner I tell you, that by this only discourse, 
which now I have here had before you with 
my son Gargantua, I know that his under- 
standing doth participate of some divinity, 
and that if he be well taught, and have that 
education which is fitting, he will attain to a 
supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore will I 
commit him to some learned man, to have 
him indoctrinated according to his capacity, 
and will spare no cost. Presently they ap- 
pointed him a great sophister-doctor, called 
Master Tubal Holophernes, who taught him 
his A. B. C. so well, that he could say it by 
heart backwards; and about this he was five 
years and three months. Then read he to him 
Doriat, le Facet, Theodolet, and Alanus in 
Parabolis. About this he was thirteen years, 
six months, and two weeks. But you must re- 
mark, that in the meantime he did learn to 
write in Gothic characters, and that he wrote 
all his books, for the art of printing was not 
then in use, and did ordinarily carry a great 
pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thou- 
sand quintals, (that is seven hundred thou- 
sand pounds weight,) the pencase whereof 
was as big and as long as the great pillar of 
Enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great 
iron chains, it being of the wideness of a tun 
of merchant ware. After that he read unto 
him the book, De Modis Significandi, with 
the commentaries of Hnrtbise, of Fasquin, of 
Tropdieux, of Gaulhaut, of John Calf, of Bil- 
lonio, of Berlinguandus, and a rabble of oth- 
ers; and herein he spent more than eighteen 
years and eleven months, and was so well 
versed in it, that, to try masteries in school 
disputes with his condisciples, he would re- 
cite it by heart backwards; and did sometimes 
prove on his finger ends to his mother, quod 
de modis significandi non erat sciential Then 
did he read to him the compost, for knowing 
the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, 
and tides of the sea, on which he spent six- 
teen years and two months, and that justly at 
the time that his said Preceptor died of ,the 
French pox, which was in the year one thou- 
sand four hundred and twenty. Afterwards 
he got an old coughing fellow to teach him, 



GARGANTUA 



19 



named Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt, 
who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard's Gre- 
cisme, the Doctrinal, the Parts, the Quid est, 
the Supplementum, Marmotret, DC Moribus 
in mensa servandis; Seneca De Quatuor Vir- 
tutibus Cardinalibus; Passavantus cum Com- 
mento, and Dormi Secure, for the holidays, 
and some other of such like meally stuff, by 
reading whereof he became as wise as any we 
ever since baked in an oven. 

CHAPTER 15 

How Gargantua was put under other School- 
masters 

AT the last his father perceived, that indeed 
lie studied hard, and that, although he spent 
all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit 
nothing, but which is worse, grew thereby 
foolish, simple, doted and blockish, whereof 
making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Ma- 
rays, Viceroy or depute King of Papeligosse, 
he found that it were better for him to learn 
nothing at all, than to be taught such like 
books, under such schoolmasters; because 
their knowledge was nothing but brutishiiess, 
and their wisdom but blunt foppish toys, 
serving only to bastardise good and noble 
spirits, and to corrupt all the flower of youth. 
That it is so, take, said he, any young boy of 
this time, who hath only studied two years; 
if he have not a better judgment, a better dis- 
course, and that expressed in better terms 
than your sou, with a completer carriage and 
civility to all manner of persons, account me 
ior ever hereafter a very clounch, and bacon 
slicer of Brene. This pleased Grangousier 
very well, and he commanded that it should 
be done. At night at supper, the said Des 
Marays brought in a young page of his, of 
Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so 
tiim, so handsome in his apparel, so spruce, 
with his hair in so good order, and so sweet 
and comely in his behaviour, that he had the 
resemblance of a little angel more than of a 
human creature. Then he said to Grangou- 
sier, do you see this young boy? He is not as 
yet full twelve years old. Let us try, if it 
please you, what difference there is betwixt 
the knowledge of the doting Mateologians of 
old time, and the young lads that are now. 
The trial pleased Grangousier, and he com- 
manded the page to begin. Then Eudemon, 
asking leave of the Viceroy his master so to 
do, with his cap in his hand, a clear and open 
countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his 



eyes steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargan- 
tua, with a youthful modesty, standing up 
straight on his feet, began very gracefully to 
commend him; first, for his virtue and good 
manners; secondly, for his knowledge; third- 
ly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily ac- 
complishments; and, in the fifth place, most 
sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father 
with all due observancy, who was so careful 
to have him well brought up. In the end he 
prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to ad- 
mit of him amongst the least of his servants; 
for other favour at that time desired he none 
of heaven, but that he might do him some 
grateful and acceptable service. All this was 
by him delivered with such proper gestures, 
such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a de- 
livery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so 
good Latin, that he seemed rather a Grac- 
chus, a Cicero, an yEmilius of the time past, 
than a youth of this age. But all the counte- 
nance that Gargantua kept was, that he fell 
to crying like a cow, and cast down his face, 
hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly 
draw one word from him, no moie than a fart 
from a dead ass. Whereat his father was so 
grievously vexed that he would have killed 
Master Jobelin, but the said Des Marays with- 
held him from it by fair persuasions, so that 
at length he pacified his wrath. Then Gran- 
gousier commanded he should be paid his 
wages, that they should whittle him up 
soundly, like a sophister, with good drink, 
and then give him leave to go to all the devils 
in hell. At least said he, to-day shall it not 
cost his host much, if by chance he should 
die as drunk as an Englishman. Master Jobe- 
lin being gone out of the house, Grangousier 
consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmas- 
ter they should choose for him, and it was be- 
twixt them resolved that Ponocrates, the tutor 
of Eudemon, should have the charge, and 
that they should go altogether to Paris, to 
know what was the study of the young men 
of France at that time. 

CHAPTER 16 

How Garganlua was sent to Paris, and of the 
huge Great Mare that he rode on; how she 
destroyed the Ox-Flies of the Beauce 

IN the same season Fayoles, the fourth King 
of Numidia, sent out of the country of Africa 
to Grangousier, the most hideous great mare 
that ever was seen, and of the strangest form, 
for you know well enough how it is said, that 



20 



RABELAIS 



Africa always is productive of some new 
thing. She was as big as six elephants, and 
had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius 
Caesar's horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like 
the goats in Languedoc, and a little horn on 
her buttock. She was of a burnt sorel hue, 
with a little mixture of daple grey spots, but 
above all she had a horrible tail; for it was 
little more or less, than every whit as great as 
the steeple-pillar of St. Mark, besides Langes: 
and squared as that is, with tuffs, and en- 
nicroches or hair-plaits wrought within one 
another, no otherwise than as the beards are 
upon the ears of corn. 

If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the 
tails of the Scythian rams, which weighed 
above thirty pounds each, and of the Sudan 
sheep, who need, if Tcnaud say true, a little 
cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it is so 
long and heavy. You female lechers in the 
plain countries have no such tails. And she 
was brought by sea in three carricks and a 
brigantine into the harbour of Olone in Thal- 
mondois. When Grangousier saw her, "Here 
is," said he, "what is fit to carry my son to 
Paris. So now, in the name of Gocl, all will be 
well. He will in times coming be a great scho- 
lar. If it were not, my masters, for the beasts, 
we should live like clerks. The next morning, 
after they drunk, you must understand, they 
took their journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue 
Ponocrates, and his train, and with them Eu- 
demon the young page. And because the 
weather was fair and temperate, his father 
caused to be made for him a pair of dun 
boots; Babin calls them buskins. Thus did 
they merrily pass their time in travelling on 
their high way, always making good cheer, 
and were very pleasant till they came a little 
above Orleans, in which place there was a 
forest of five-and-thirty leagues long, and 
seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This 
forest was most horribly fertile and copious in 
dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that it was a 
very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and 
horses. But Gargantua's mare did avenge her- 
self handsomely of all the outrages (herein 
committed upon beasts of her kind, and that 
by a trick whereof they had no suspicion. For 
as soon as ever they were entered into the 
said forest, and that the wasps had given the 
assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail, 
and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep 
them, that she overthrew all the wood alongst 
and athwart, here and there, this way and 
that way, longwise and sidewise, over and un- 



der, and felled every where the wood with as 
much ease, as the mower doth the grass, in 
such sort that never since hath there been 
there, neither wood, nor dorflies: for all the 
country was thereby reduced to a plain 
champagne field. Which Gargantua took 
great pleasure to behold, and said to his com- 
pany no more but this, "Je trouve beau ce" 1 
find this pretty; whereupon that country hath 
been ever since that time called Beauce. But 
all the breakfast the mare got that clay, was 
, but a little yawning and gaping, in memory 
.whereof the gentlemen of Beauce do as yet 
to this day break their fast with gaping, which 
they find to be very good, and do spit the bet- 
ter for it. At lust they came to Paris, where 
Gargantua refreshed himself two or three 
days, making very merry with his folks, and 
inquiring what men of learning there were 
then in the city, and what wine they drank 
there. 

CHAPTER 17 

How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Pa- 
risians, and how he took away the great 
Bells of Our Lady's Church 

SOME few days after that they had refreshed 
themselves, he went to see the city, and was 
beheld of every body there with great ad- 
miration; for the people of Paris are so sottish, 
so buclot, so foolish and fond by nature, that a 
juggler, a cairier of indulgences, a sumpter- 
horse, or mule with cymbals, or tinkling bells, 
a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, 
shall draw a greater confluence of people to- 
gether, than an Evangelical preacher. And 
they pressed so hard upon him, that he was 
constrained to rest himself upon the towers of 
Our Lady's Church. At which place, seeing so 
many about him, he said with a loud voice, I 
believe that these buzzards will have me to 
pay them here my welcome hither, and my 
Proftciat. It is but good reason. I will now 
give them their wine, but it shall be only in 
sport. Then smiling, he untied his fair bra- 
guette, and drawing out his mentul into the 
open air, he so bitterly all-to-be-pissed them, 
that he drowned two hundred and sixty thou- 
sand four hundred and eighteen, besides the 
women and little children. Some, neverthe- 
less, of the company escaped this piss-flood 
by mere speed of foot, who, when they were 
at the higher end of the university, sweating, 
coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they 
began to swear and curse, some in good hot 



GARGANTUA 



21 



earnest, and others in jest. Carimari, cart- 
mara: golynoly, golynolo. By my sweet Sanc- 
tesse, we are washed in sport, a sport truly 
to laugh at; in French, Par ris, for which 
that city hath been ever since called Paris, 
whose name formerly was Leucotia, as Stra- 
bo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the Greek word 
\evK6rrjs whiteness, because of the white 
thighs of the ladies of that place. And foras- 
much as, at this imposition of a new name, all 
the people that were there swore every one 
by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, 
which are patched up of all nations, and all 
pieces of countries, are by nature both good 
jurors, and good jurists, and somewhat over- 
weening; whereupon Joanninus de Barrauco, 
libro De Copiositate Reverentianun 21 thinks 
that they are called Parisians, from the Greek 
word irapprjaia which signifies boldness and 
liberty of speech. 

This done, he considered the great bells, 
which were in the said towers, and made 
them sound very harmoniously. Which whilst 
he was doing, it came into his mind, that they 
would serve very well for tingling Tantans, 
and ringing Campanels, to hang about his 
mare's neck, when she should be sent back to 
his father, as he intended to do, loaded with 
Brie cheese, and fresh herring. And indeed he 
forthwith carried them to his lodging. In the 
meanwhile there came a master beggar of the 
friars of St. Anthony, to demand in his cant- 
ing way the usual benevolence of some hog- 
gish stuff, who, that he might be heard afar 
off, and to make the bacon he was in quest of 
shake in the very chimnies, made account to 
filch them away privily. Nevertheless, he left 
them behind very honestly, not for that they 
were too hot, but that they were somewhat 
too heavy for his carriage. This was not he of 
Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. 

All the city was risen up in sedition, they 
being, as you know, upon any slight occasion, 
so ready to uproars and insurrections, that 
foreign nations wonder at the patience of the 
kings of France who do not by good justice 
restrain them from such tumultuous courses, 
seeing the manifold inconveniences which 
thence arise from day to day. Would to God, 
I knew the shop wherein are forged these di- 
visions and factious combinations, that I 
might bring them to light in the confraterni- 
ties of my parish! Believe for a truth, that the 
place wherein the people gathered together, 
were thus sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, 
and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then 



was, but now is no more, the Oracle of Leu- 
cetia. There was the case proposed, and the 
inconvenience showed of the transporting of 
the bells. After they had well ergoted pro and 
con, they concluded in Baralipton, 22 that they 
should send the oldest and most sufficient of 
the faculty unto Gargantua, to signify unto 
him the great and horrible prejudice they 
sustained by the want of those bells. And not- 
withstanding the good reasons given in by 
some of the university, why this charge was 
fitter for an orator than a sophister, there was 
chosen for this purpose our Master Junotus 
de Bragmardo. 

CHAPTER 18 

How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gar- 
gantua, to recover the Great Bells 

MASTER Janotus, with his hair cut round like 
a dish a la Cxsarine, in his most antic accou- 
trement liripipionated with a graduate's hood, 
and, having sufficiently antidoted his stom- 
ach with oven marmalades, that is, bread and 
holy water of the cellar, transported himself 
to the lodging of Gargantua, driving before 
him three red muzzled beadles, and dragging 
after him five or six artless masters, all thor- 
oughly bedraggled with the mire of the 
streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, 
who was afraid, seeing them so disguised, 
and thought they had been some maskers out 
of their wits, which moved him to inquire of 
one of the said artless masters of the com- 
pany, what this mummery meant? It was an- 
swered him, that they desired to have their 
bells restored to them. As soon as Ponocrates 
heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the 
news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready 
to answer them, and speedily resolve what 
was to be done. Gargantua being advertised 
hereof, called apart his schoolmaster Pono- 
crates, Philotimus steward of his house, Gym- 
nastes his esquire, and Eudemon, and very 
summarily conferred with them, both of what 
he should da, and what answer he should 
give. They were all of opinion that they 
should bring them unto the goblet-office, 
which is the buttery, and there make them 
drink like roysters, and line their jackets 
soundly. And that this cougher might not be 
puft up with vain glory, by thinking the bells 
were restored at his request, they sent, whilst 
he was chopining and plying the pot, for the 
major of the city, the rector of the faculty, 
and the vicar of the church, unto whom they 



22 



RABELAIS 



resolved to deliver the bells, before the so- 
phister had propounded his commission. Af- 
ter that, in their hearing, he should pro- 
nounce his gallant oration, which was done; 
and they being come, the sophister was 
brought in full hall, and began as followeth, 
in coughing. 

CHAPTER 19 

The Oration of Master Janotus de Bragrnar- 
do, for the recovery of the Bells 

HEM, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day. Et vobis, 
my masters. It were but reason that you 
should restore to us our bells; for we have 
great need of them. Hem, hem, aihfuhash. 
We have often-times heretofore refused good 
money for them of those of London, in Ca- 
hors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in Brie, 
who would have brought them for the sub- 
stantific quality of the elementary complex- 
ion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity 
of their quidditativo nature, to extraneizc the 
blasting mists, and whirlwinds upon our 
vines, indeed not ours, but these round about 
us. For if we lose the piot and liquor of the 
grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you 
restore them unto us at my request, I shall 
gain it by six baskets full of sausages, and a 
fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a 
great deal of good, or else they will not keep 
their promise to me. Ho by gob, Domine, a 
pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non 
abhorrebit earn. 23 Ha, ha, a pair of breeches 
is not so easily got; I have experience of it my- 
self. Consider, Domine, I have been these 
eighteen days in matagrabolising this brave 
speech. Reddite qusc sunt Csesaris, Csesari, et 
qua* sunt Dei, Deo, Ibi jacet lepus. 2 * By my 
faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in 
cameris, by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus 
bonum cherubin. Ego occidi iinum porcum, 
et ego habet bonum vino. 25 but of good wine 
we cannot make bad Latin. Well, de parte 
Dei date nobis bellas nostras. 2 * Hold, I give 
you in the name of the faculty a Sermones de 
Utino, that ntinam 27 you will give us our 
bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? Per diem vos 
habebitis, et nihil payabitis 28 

O Sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; ver- 
ily, est bonum urbis. 29 They are useful to ev- 
erybody. If they fit your mare well, so do they 
do our faculty; qiuv comparata est jumentis 
insipientibus, et similis facta est cis, Psalmo 
nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my note- 
book, et est unum bonum Achilles, 31 a good 



defending argument. Hem, hem, hem, haik- 
hash! For I prove unto you that you should 
give me them. Ego sic argumentor. Omnis 
bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans 
bellativo, hellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes. 
Parisius habct bellas. Ergo glue. 32 Ha, ha, ha. 
This is spoken to some purpose. It is in tertio 
primes, in Darii, 33 or elsewhere. By my soul, I 
have seen the time that I could play the devil 
in arguing, but now I am much failed, and 
henceforward want nothing but a cup of good 
wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my 
belly to the table, and a good deep dish. Hei, 
Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Fi- 
lii, et Spiritus Sancti, Amen, to restore unto 
us our bells : and God keep you from evil, and 
our Lady from health, qui vivit et re gnat per 
omnia Sivcula sirculorum, Amen. Hem, hash- 
chehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash. 

Veinm cnim vero, quandoquidem, dubio 
procul Edepol, quoniam, ita certe, metis 
deus fidius, 3[ a town without bells is like a 
blind man without a staff, an ass without a 
crupper, and a cow without cymbals. There- 
fore be assured, until you have restored them 
unto us, we will never leave crying after you, 
like a blind man that hath lost his staff, bray- 
ing like an ass without a crupper, and making 
a noise like a cow without cymbals. A certain 
Latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said 
unce, producing the authority of one Tapo- 
nus, I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular 
poet, who wished those bells had been made 
of feathers, and the clapper of a foxtail, to the 
end that they might have begot a chronicle in 
the bowels of his brain, when he was about 
the composing of his carminiformal lines. But 

nac petctin petetac, 
tic, torche lorgne, 
or 

rot kipipur kipipot, 
put pantse malf, 

he was declared an heretic. We make them 
as of wax. And no more saith the deponent. 
Valete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui. 3 ^ 

CHAPTER 20 

How the Sophister carried aicaij his cloth, 
and how he Jtad a Suit in Law against the 
other Masters 

THE sophister had no sooner ended, but Po- 
nocrates and Euclemon burst out into a laugh- 
ing so heartily, that they had almost split with 



GARGANTUA 



23 



it, and given up the ghost, in rendering their 
souls to God: even just as Crassus did, seeing 
a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, 
who, for seeing an ass eat those figs which 
were provided for his own dinner, died with 
force of laughing. Together with them Mas- 
ter Janotus fell a laughing too as fast as he 
could, in which mood of laughing they con- 
tinued so long, that their eyes did water by 
the vehement concussion of the substance of 
the brain, by which these lachrymal humidi- 
ties, being prest out, glided through the optic 
nerves, and so to the full represented Demo- 
critus Heraclitising, and Heraclitus Demo- 
critising. 

When they had done laughing, Gargantua 
consulted with the prime of his retinue, what 
should be done. There Ponocrates was of 
opinion, that they should make this fair ora- 
tor drink again; and seeing he had showed 
them more pastime, and made them laugh 
more than a natural fool could have clone, 
that they should give him ten baskets full of 
sausages, mentioned in his pleasant speech, 
with a pair of hose, three hundred great bil- 
lets of logwood, five and twenty hogsheads of 
wine, a good large clown bed, and a deep 
capacious dish, which he said were necessary 
for his old age. All this was done as they did 
appoint: only Gargantua, doubting that they 
could not quickly find out breeches fit for his 
wearing, because he knew not what fashion 
would best become the said orator, whether 
the martingal fashion of breeches, wherein is 
a spunghole with a draw-bridge, for the more 
easy caguing: or the fashion of the mariners, 
for the greater solace and comfort of his kid- 
neys: or that of the Switzers, which keeps 
warm the bedondaine or belly-tabret: or 
round breeches with strait cannions, having 
in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of 
over-heating his reins. All which considered, 
he caused to be given him seven ells of white 
cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by 
the porters, the masters of arts carried the 
sausages and the dishes, and Master Janotus 
himself would carry the cloth. One of the 
said Masters, called Jousse Bandouille, 
showed him that it was not seemly nor decent 
for one of his condition to do so, and that 
therefore he should deliver it to one of them. 
Ha, said Janotus, Baudet, Baudet, or Block- 
head, Blockhead, thou dost not conclude in 
modo et figura. For lo, to this end serve the 
suppositions, and parva logicalia. Pannus, 
pro quo supponit? Confuse, said Bandouille, 



et distributive. I do not ask thee, said Janotus, 
blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? 
It is blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore 
I will carry it, egomet sicut suppositum por- 
tat appositum. 36 So did he carry it away very 
close and covertly, as Patelin, the buffoon, 
did his cloth. The best was, that when this 
cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the 
Mathurins, had with great confidence re- 
quired his breeches and sausages, and that 
tney were flatly denied him, because he had 
them of Gargantua, according to the infor- 
mations thereupon made, he showed them 
that this was gratis, and out of his liberality, 
by which they were not in any sort quit of 
their promises. Notwithstanding this, it was 
answered him, that he should be content 
with reason, without expectation of any other 
bribe there. Reason, said Janotus? We use 
none of it here. Unlucky traitors, you are not 
worth the hanging. The earth beareth not 
more arrant villains than you are. I know it 
well enough; halt not before the lame. I have 
practised wickedness with you. By God's rat- 
tle I will inform the king of the enormous 
abuses that are forged here and carried un- 
derhand by you, and let me be a leper, if he 
do not burn you alive like bougres, traitors, 
heretics, and seducers, enemies to God and 
virtue. 

Upon these words they framed articles 
against him: he on the other side warned 
them to appear. In sum, the process was re- 
tained by the Court, and is there as yet. Here- 
upon the magisters made a vow, never to de- 
crott themselves in rubbing off the dirt of 
either their shoes or clothes: Master Janotus 
with his adherents vowed never to blow or 
snuff their noses, until judgment were given 
by a definitive sentence. 

By these vows do they continue unto this 
time both dirty and snotty; for the Court hath 
not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all 
the pieces as yet. The judgment or decree 
shall be given out and pronounced at the next 
Greek Calends, that is, never. As you know 
that they do more than nature, and contrary 
to their own articles. The articles of Paris 
maintain, that to God alone belongs infinity, 
and nature produceth nothing that is immor- 
tal; for she putteth an end and period to all 
things by her engendered, according to the 
saying, Omnia orta cadunt* 7 &c. But these 
thick mist-swallowers make the suits in law 
depending before them both infinite and im- 
mortal. In doing whereof, they have given oc- 



24 



RABELAIS 



casion to, and verified the saying of Chilo the 
Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the Oracle at 
Delphos, that misery is the inseparable com- 
panion of law-suits; and that suitors are mis- 
erable; for sooner shall they attain to the end 
of their lives, than to the final decision of their 
pretended rights. 

CHAPTER 21 

The Study of Gargantua, according to the dis- 
cipline of his Schoolmasters and Sophisters 

THE first day being thus spent, and the bells 
put up again in their own place, the citizens 
of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, 
offered to maintain and feed his mare as long 
as he pleased, which Gai gantua took in good 
part, and they sent her to graze in the forest 
of Biere. I think she is not there now. This 
done, he with all his heart submitted his 
study to the discretion of Ponocratcs; who for 
the beginning appointed that he should do as 
he was accustomed, to the end he might un- 
derstand by what means, in so long time, his 
old masters had made him so sottish and ig- 
norant. He disposed therefore of his time in 
such fashion, that ordinarily he did awake be- 
tween eight and nine a clock, whether it was 
day or not, for so had his ancient governors 
ordained, alleging that which David saith, 
Vanum est vobis ante luccm surgcre** Then 
did he tumble and toss, wag his legs, and wal- 
low in the bed some time, the better to stir up 
and rouse his vital spirits, and appareled him- 
self according to the season: but willingly he 
would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, 
furried with fox skins. Afterwards he combed 
his head with an Alman comb, which is the 
four fingers and the thumb. For his preceptor 
said, that to comb himself other ways, to 
wash and make himself neat, was to lose time 
in this world. Then he dunged, pist, spued, 
belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, 
yexed, sneezed, and snotted himself like an 
arch-deacon, and to suppress the dew and 
bad air, went to breakfast, having some good 
fried tripe, fair rashers on the coals, excellent 
gammons of bacon, store of fine minced meat, 
and a great deal of sippit brewis, made-up of 
the fat of the beef -pot, laid upon bread, 
cheese, and chopped parsley stewed togeth- 
er. Ponocrates showed him, that he ought not 
eat so soon after rising out of his bed, unless 
he had performed some exercise beforehand. 
Gargantua answered, what! have not I suffi- 
ciently well exercised myself? I have wal- 



lowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in 
my bed, before I rose. Is not that enough? 
Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a 
Jew his physician, and lived till his dying day 
in despite of his enemies. My first masters 
have used me to it, saying that to breakfast 
made a good memory, and therefore they 
drank first. I am very well after it, and dine 
but the better. And Master Tubal, who was 
the first licenciate at Paris, told me, that it 
was not enough to run a pace, but to set forth 
betimes: so doth not the total welfare of our 
humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in 
a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking 
early in the morning; unde versus, 

To rise betimes is no good hour, 
To drink betimes is better sure. 

After he had thoroughly broke his fast, he 
went to church, and they carried him in a 
great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick 
covered breviary, weighing, what in grease, 
clasps, parchment, and cover, little more or 
less than eleven hundred and six pounds. 
There he heard six and twenty or thirty mass- 
es. This while, to the same place came his 
orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up 
about the chin, like a tufted whoop, and his 
breath antidotcd with the store of the vinc- 
tree-sirup. With him he mumbled all his kin- 
els, and dunsicals breborions, which he so 
curiously thumbed and fingered, that there 
fell not so much as one grain to the ground. 
As he went from the church, they brought 
him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a con- 
fused heap of Patcr-nosters and Avcs of Sanct 
Claude, every one of them being of the big- 
ness of a hat-block; and thus walking through 
the cloisters, galleries or garden, he said more 
in turning them over, than sixteen hermits 
would have done. Then did he study some 
paltry half hour with his eyes fixed upon his 
book; but as the comic saith, his mind was in 
the kitchen. Pissing then a full urinal, he sat 
down at table; and because he was naturally 
phlegmatic, he began his meal with some 
dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, 
hard rows of mullet, called botargos, andouil- 
les, or sausages, and such other forerunners 
of wine. In the mean while, four of his folks 
did cast into his mouth one after another con- 
tinually mustard by whole shovels full. Im- 
mediately after that, he drank a horrible 
draught of white-wine for the ease of his kid- 
neys. When that was done, he ate according 



GARGANTUA 



lo the season meat agreeable to his appetite, 
and then left off eating when his belly began 
to strout, and was like to crack for fulness. As 
for his drinking, he had neither end nor rule. 
For he was wont to say that the limits and 
bounds of di inking were, when the cork of 
the shoes of him that drinketh swelleth up 
half a foot high. 

CHAPTER 22 

The games of Gargantua 

THEN blockishly mumbling with a set on 
countenance a piece of scurvy grace, he 
washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his 
teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked jovi- 
ally with his attendants. Then the carpet be- 
ing spread, they brought plenty of cards, 
many dice, with great store and abundance 
of checkers and chessboards. 
There he played 

At the sequences 
At the ivory bundles 
At the tarots 
At losing load him 
At he's gulled and 

esto 

At the torture 
At the handruff 



At flusse 

At primero 

At the beast 

At the rifle 

At trump 

At the prick and 

spare not 
At the hundred 
At the peeny 
At the unfortunate 

woman 
At the fib 
At the pass ten 
At one and thirty 
At post and pair, or 



At the click 

At honours 

At love 

At the chess 

At Reynard the fox 

At the squares 

At the cowes 



even and sequence At the lottery 



At three hundred 
At the unlucky man 
At the last couple in 

hell 

At the hock 
At the surly 
At the lanskenet 
At the cuckoo 
At puff, or let him 

speak that hath 

it 
At take nothing and 

throw out 
At the marriage 
At the frolic or 

jackdaw 
At the opinion 
At who doth the one, 

and doth the other 



At the chance or 

m urn chance 
At three dice or 

maniest bleaks 
At the tables 
At nivinivinack 
At the lurch 
At doublets or 

queen's game 
At the f ailie 
At the French 

trictrac 
At the long tables 

or ferkeering 
At f el down 
At tods body 
At needs must 
At the dames or 

draughts 



At bob and mow 
At primus secundus 
At mark-knife 
At the keys 
At span-counter 
At even or odd 
At cross or pile 
At ball and huckle- 
bones 

At ivory balls 
At the billiards 
At bob and hit 
At the owl 
At the charming of 

the hare 

At pull yet a little 
At trudgepig 
At the magatipes 
At the horn 
At the flowered or 

shrovtide ox 
At the madge-owlet 
At pinch without 

laughing 
At prickle me tickle 

me 
At the unshoing of 

the ass 

At the cocksess 
At hari hohi 
At I set me down 
At earlie bcardie 
At the old mode 
At draw the spit 
At put out 
At gossip lend me 

your sack 
At the ramcod 

ball 
At thrust out the 

harolt 

At Marseil figs 
At nicknamrie 
At stick and hole 
At boke or him, or 

flaying the fox 
At the branching it 
At the cat selling 
At trill madam, or 

grapple my lady 
At blow the coal 
At the re- wedding 
At the quick and 

dead judge 
At unoven the iron 
At the false clown 



25 

At the flints, or at 

the nine stones 
At to the crutch 

hulch back 
At the sanct is found 
At hinch, pinch and 

laugh not 
At the leek 
At bumdockdousse 
At the loose gig 
At the hoop 
At the sow 
At belly to belly 
At the dales or straths 
At the twigs 
At the quoits 
At I'm for that 
At tilt at weekie 
At nine pins 
At the cock quintin 
At tip and hurle 
At the flat bowles 
At the veere and 

tourn 

At rogue and ruffian 
At bumbatch touch 
At the mysterious 

trough 

At the short bowls 
At the dapple-grey 
At cock and crank it 
At break pot 
At my desire 
At twirly whirlytril 
At the rush bundles 
At the short staff 
At the whirling 

gigge 
At hide and seek, or 

are you all hid 
At the picket 
At the blank 
At the pilferers 
At the caveson 
At prison bars 
At have at the nuts 
At cherry-pit 
At rub arid rice 
At whip-top 
At the casting top 
At the hobgoblins 
At the O wonderful 
At the soilie smutchy 
At fast and loose 
At scutchbreech 
At the broom-besom 



26 

At St. Cosine I come 

to adore thee 
At the lusty brown 

boy 
At I take you 

napping 
At fair and softly 

passeth Lent 
At the forked oak 
At truss 

At the wolf's tail 
At bum to buss or 

nose in breech 
At Geordie give me 

my lance 
At swaggy, waggy, 

or shoggy-shou 
At stook and rook, 

shear and threave 
At the birch 
At the musse 
At the dilly dilly 

darling 
At ox moudy 
At purpose in 

purpose 
At nine less 
At blind-man-buff 
At the fallen bridges 
At bridled nick 
At the white at buts 
At thwack swinge 

him 
At apple, pear, and 

plum 
At mumgi 
At the toad 
At cricket 

At the pounding stick 
At jack and the box 
At the queens 
At the trades 
At heads and points 
At the vine-tree hug 
At black be thy fall 
At ho the distaffe 



RABELAIS 



At Joanne Thomson 
At the boulting cloth 
At the oat's seed 
At greedy glutton 
At the Moorish dance 
At feebie 
At the whole frisk 

and gambole 
At battabum, or 

riding the wild 

mare 
At Hinde the 

Plowman 

At the good mawkin 
At the dead beast 
At climb the ladder 

Billy 

At the dying hog 
At the salt cloup 
At the pretty pigeon 
At barley break 
At the bavine 
At the bush leap 
At crossing 
At bo-peep 
At the hardit 

arsepursey 
At the harrower's 

nest 

At forward hey 
At the fig 
At gunshot crack 
At mustard peel 
At the gome 
At the relapse 
At jog breech, or 

prick him forward 
At knockpate 
At the Cornish 

chough 

At the crane dance 
At slash and cut 
At bobbing, or flirt 

on the nose 
At the larks 
At Slipping 



After he had thus well played, revelled, 
past and spent his time, it was thought fit to 
drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls 
the man, and, immediately after making good 
cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a 
fair bench, or a good large bed, and there 
sleep two or three hours together, without 
thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was 
awakened he would shake his ears a little. In 



the meantime they brought him fresh wine. 
Then he drank better than ever. Ponocrates 
showed him, that it was an ill diet to drink so 
after sleeping. It is, answered Gargantua, the 
very life, of the patriarchs and holy fathers; 
for naturally I sleep salt, and my sleep hath 
been to me instead of so many gammons of 
bacon. Then began he to study a little, and 
out came the palenotres or rosary of beads, 
which the better and more formally to des- 
patch, he got up on an old mule, which had 
served nine kings, and so mumbling with his 
mouth, nodding and doddling his head, 
would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a 
gin. At his return he went into the kitchen, to 
know what roast meat was on the spit, and 
what otherwise was to be drest for supper. 
And supped very well upon my conscience, 
and commonly did invite some of his neigh- 
bours that were good drinkers, with whom 
carousing and drinking merrily, they told 
stories of all sorts from the old to the new. 
Amongst others, he had for domestics the 
Lords of Fou, of Gourvillc, of Griniot, and of 
Marigny. After supper were brought in upon 
the place the fair wooden gospels, and the 
books of the four kings, that is to say, many 
pairs of tables and cards; or the fair flusse, 
one, two, three; or all to make short work; or 
else they went to see the wenches there- 
abouts, with little small banquets, intermixed 
with collations and rccr-suppers. Then did 
he sleep without unbridling, until eight 
o'clock in the next morning. 

CHAPTER 23 

How Gargantua was instructed by Pono- 
crates, and in such sort disciplinated, that 
he lost not one hour of the day 

WHEN Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious 
manner of living, he resolved to bring him up 
in another kind; but for a while he bore with 
him, considering that nature cannot endure 
such a change, without great violence. There- 
fore to begin his work the better, he request- 
ed a learned physician of that time, called 
Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it 
were possible, how to bring Gargantua unto a 
better course. The said physician purged him 
canonically with Anticyrian-hellebore, by 
which medicine he cleansed all the altera- 
tion, and perverse habitude of his brain. By 
this means also Ponocrates made him forget 
all that he had learned under his ancient pre- 
ceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, 



GARGANTUA 



27 



who had been instructed under other musi- 
cians. To do this better, they brought him into 
the company of learned men, which were 
there, in whose imitation he had a great de- 
sire and affection to study otherwise, and to 
improve his parts. Afterwards he put himself 
into such a road and way of studying that he 
lost not any one hour in the day, but em- 
ployed all his time in learning, and honest 
knowledge. Gargantua awak'cl, then about 
four o'clock in the morning. Whilst they were 
in rubbing of him, there was read unto him 
some chapter of the Holy Scripture aloud and 
clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the mat- 
ter, and hereunto was appointed a young 
page born in Basche, named Anagnostes. Ac- 
cording to the purpose and argument of that 
lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, 
adore, pray, and send up his supplications to 
that good God, whose word did show his 
majesty and marvellous judgment. Then 
went he into the secret places to make excre- 
tion of his natural digestions. There his mas- 
ter repeated what had been read, expound- 
ing unto him the most obscure and difficult 
points, fn returning, they considered the face 
of the sky, if it was such as they had observed 
it the night before, and into what signs the 
sun was cnteiing, as also the moon for that 
day. This done, he was appareled, combed, 
curled, trimmed and perfumed, during which 
time they repeated to him the lessons of the 
day before. He himself said them by heart, 
and upon them would ground some practical 
cases concerning the estate of man, which he 
would prosecute sometimes two or three 
hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as 
he was fully clothed. Then for three good 
hours he had a lecture read unto him. This 
done, they went forth, still conferring of the 
substance of the lecture, either unto a field 
near the university called the Brack, or unto 
the meadows where they played at the ball, 
the long-tennis, and at the pile trigone, most 
gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly 
they had done their minds. All their play was 
but in liberty, for they left off when they 
pleased, and that was commonly when they 
did sweat over all their body, or were other- 
wise weary. Then were they very well wiped 
and rubbed, .shifted their shirts, and walking 
soberly, went to see if dinner was ready. 
Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly 
and eloquently pronounce some sentences 
that they had retained of the lecture. In the 
meantime Master Appetite came, and then 



very orderly sat they down at table. At the 
beginning of the meal, there was read some 
pleasant history of the warlike actions of for- 
mer times, until he had taken a glass of wine. 
Then, if they thought good, they continued 
reading, or began to discourse merrily togeth- 
er; speaking first of the virtue, propriety, ef- 
ficacy and nature of all that was served in at 
that table; of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, 
of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of 
their dressing. By means whereof, he learned 
in a little time all the passages competent for 
this, that were to be found in Pliny, Athe- 
nrcus, Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Por- 
phyrius, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodorus, Aiis- 
totle, /Elian, and others. Whilst they talked 
of these things, many times, to be the more 
certain, they caused the very books to be 
brought to the table, and so well and perfect- 
ly did he in his memory retain the things 
above said, that in that time there was not a 
physician that knew half so much as he did. 
Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read 
in the morning, and, ending their repast with 
some conserve or marmalade of quinces, he 
picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, 
washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh wa- 
ter, and gave thanks unto God in some fine 
canticks, made in praise of the divine bounty 
and munificence. This clone, they brought in 
cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand 
pretty tricks, and new inventions, which were 
all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means 
he fell in love with that numerical science, 
and every day after dinner and supper he 
passed his time in it as pleasantly, as he was 
wont to do at cards and dice: so that at last 
he understood so well both the theory and 
practical part thereof, that Tunstal the Eng- 
lishman, who had written veiy largely of that 
purpose, confessed that verily in comparison 
of him he had no skill at all. And not only in 
that, but in the other mathematical sciences, 
as geometry, astronomy, music, &c. For in 
waiting on the concoction, and attending the 
digestion of his food, they made a thousand 
pretty instruments and geometrical figures, 
and did in some measure practice the astro- 
nomical eanons. 

After this they recreated themselves with 
singing musically, in four or five parts, or up- 
on a set theme or ground at random, as it best 
pleased them. In matter of musical instru- 
ments, he learned to play upon the lute, the 
virginals, the harp, the Allman fhite with nine 
holes, the violin, and the sackbut. This hour 



28 



RABELAIS 



thus spent, and digestion finished, he did 
purge his body of natural excrements, then 
betook himself to his principal study for three 
hours together, or more, as well to repeat his 
matutinal lectures, as to proceed in the book 
wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, 
to draw and form the antique and Roman let- 
ters. This being done, they went out of their 
house, and with them a young gentleman of 
Touraine, named the Esquire Gymnast, who 
taught him the art of riding. Changing then 
his clothes, he rode a Naples courser, Dutch 
roussin, a Spanish gennet, a barbed or trapped 
steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he 
gave a hundred carieres, made him go the 
high saults, bounding in the air, free a ditch 
with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn 
short in a ring both to the right and left hand. 
There he broke not his lance; for it is the 
greatest foolery in the world to say, I have 
broken ten lances at tilts or in fight. A car- 
penter can do even as much. But it is a glori- 
ous and praiseworthy action, with one lance 
to break and overthrow ten enemies. There- 
fore with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well- 
steeled lance, would he usually force up a 
door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, car- 
ry away the ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, 
with the mail-coat and gauntlet. All this he 
did in complete arms from head to foot. As 
for the prancing flourishes, and smacking 
popisms, for the better cherishing of the 
horse, commonly used in riding, none did 
them better than he. The voltiger of Ferrara 
was but as an ape compared to him. He was 
singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one 
horse to another without putting foot to 
ground, and these horses were called desul- 
tories. He could likewise from cither side, 
with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback 
without stirrups, and rule the horse at his 
pleasure without a bridle, for such things are 
useful in military engagements. Another day 
he exercised the battle-axe, which he so dex- 
terously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, 
and smooth management of that weapon, and 
that in all the feats practiceable by it, that he 
passed knight of arms in the field, and at all 
essays. 

Then tossed he the pike, played with the 
two-handed sword, with the back sword, with 
the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, 
unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with 
a target. Then would he hunt the hart, the 
roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer,' the wild 
boar, the hare, the pheasant, the partridge 



and the bustard. He played at the balloon, 
and made it bound in the air, both with fist 
and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped, not at 
three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at 
clochepicd, called the hare's leap, nor yet at 
the Almnncs; for, said Gymnast, these jumps 
are for the wars altogether unprofitable, and 
of no use: but at one leap he would skip over 
a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces 
upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fash- 
ion up against a window, of the full height of 
a lance. He did swirn in deep waters on his 
belly, on his back, sideways, with all his 
body, with his feet only, with one hand in the 
air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the 
breadth of the River Seine, without wetting, 
and dragging along his cloak with his teeth, 
as did Julius Ctrsar; then with the help of one 
hand he entered forcibly into a boat, from 
whence he cast himself again headlong into 
the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the 
rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. 
Then turned he the boat about, governed it, 
led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and 
against the stream, stopped it in his course, 
guided it with one hand, and with the other 
laid hard about him with a huge great oar, 
hoisted the sail, hied up along the mast by 
the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, 
set the compass in order, tackled the bow- 
lines, and steered the helm. Coming out of 
the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, 
and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran 
down again. He climbed up trees like a cat, 
leaped from thr one to the other like a squir- 
rel. He did pull down the great boughs and 
branches, like another Milo; then with two 
sharp well-steeled daggers, and two tried 
bodkins, would be run up by the wall to the 
very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly 
come clown from the top to the bottom with 
such an even composition of members, that 
by the fall he would catch no harm. 

He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the 
stone, practise the javelin, the boar spear or 
partisan, and the halbert. He broke the 
strongest bows in drawing, bended against 
his breast the greatest cross-bows of stocl, 
took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, 
and shot well, traversed and planted the can- 
non, shot at bill-marks, at the papgay from 
below upwnids, or to a height from above 
downwards, 01 to a descent; then before him 
sidewise, and behind him, like the Parthians. 
They tied a cable-rope to the top of a high 
tower, by one end whereof hanging near the 



GARGANTUA 



29 



ground he wrought himself with his hands to 
the very top; then upon the same tract came 
down so sturdily and firm that you could not 
on a plain meadow have run with more assur- 
ance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two 
trees. There would he hang by his hands, and 
with them alone, his feet touching at noth- 
ing, would go back and fore along the afore- 
said rope with so great swiftness, that hardly 
could one overtake him with running; and 
then, to exercise his breast and lungs, he 
would shout like all the devils in hell. I heard 
him once call Eudemon from St. Victor's gate 
to Montmartre. S ten tor never had such a 
voice at the siege of Troy. Then for the 
strengthening of his nerves or sinews, they 
made him two great sows of lead, each of 
them weighing eight thousand and seven 
hundred quintals, which they called Alteres. 
Those he took up from the ground, in each 
hand one, then lifted them up over his head, 
and held them so without stirring three quar- 
ters of an hour or more, which was an inim- 
itable force. He fought at barriers with the 
stoutest and most vigorous champions; and 
when it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily 
on his feet, that he abandoned himself unto 
the strongest, in case they could remove him 
from his place, as Milo was wont to do of old. 
In whose imitation likewise he held a pome- 
granate in his hand, to give it unto him that 
could take it from him. The time being thus 
bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, 
wiped, and refreshed with other clothes, he 
returned fair and softly; and passing through 
certain meadows, or other grassy places, be- 
held the trees and plants, comparing them 
with what is written of them in the books of 
the ancients, such as Theophrast, Dioscori- 
des, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and 
Galen, and carried home to the house great 
handfuls of them, whereof a young page 
called Rizotomos had charge; together with 
little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing hooks, 
cabbies, pruning knives, and other instru- 
ments requisite for herborising. Being come 
to their lodging, whilst supper was making 
ready, they repeated certain passages of that 
which had been read, and then sat down at 
table. Here remark, that his dinner was sober 
and thrifty, for he did then eat only to pre- 
vent the gnawings of his stomach, but his 
supper was copious and large; for he took 
then as much as was fit to maintain and nour- 
ish him; which indeed is the true diet pre- 
scribed by the art of good and sound physic, 



although a rabble of loggerheaded physi- 
cians, muzzled in the brabbling shop of so- 
phisters, counsel the contrary. During that re- 
past was continued the lesson read at dinner 
as long as they thought good: the rest was 
spent in good discourse, learned and profit- 
able. After that they had given thanks, ne set 
himself to sing vocally, and play upon har- 
monious instruments, or otherwise passed his 
time at some pretty sports, made with cards 
and dice, or in practising the feats of legerde- 
main with cups and balls. There they staid 
some nights in frolicking thus, and making 
themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; 
and on other nights they would go make vis- 
its unto learned men, or to such as had been 
travellers in strange and remote countries. 
When it was full night before they retired 
themselves, they went unto the most open 
place of the house to see the face of the sky, 
and there beheld the comets, if any were, as 
likewise the figures, situations, aspects, op- 
positions and conjunctions of both the fixed 
stars and planets. 

Then with his master did he briefly recapit- 
ulate, after the manner of the Pythagoreans, 
that which he had read, seen, learned, done 
and understood in the whole course of that 
day. 

Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in 
falling down before him, and strengthening 
their faith towards him, and glorifying him 
for his boundless bounty; and, giving thanks 
unto him for the time that was past, they rec- 
ommended themselves to his divine clemency 
for the future. Which being done, they went 
to bed, and betook themselves to their repose 
and rest. 

CHAPTER 24 

How Gargantua spent his time in rainy 
weather 

IF it happened that the weather were any 
thing cloudy, foul, and rainy, all the forenoon 
was employed, *as before specified, according 
to custom, with this difference only, that they 
had a good clear fire lighted, to correct the 
distempers of the air. But after dinner, in- 
stead of their wonted exercitations, they did 
abide within, and, by way of Apotherapie, 
did recreate themselves in bottling up of hay, 
in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in 
threshing sheaves of corn at the barn. Then 
they studied the art of painting or carving; or 
brought into use the antique play of tables, as 



30 



RABELAIS 



Leonicus hath written of it, and as our good 
friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing they 
examined the passages of ancient authors, 
wherein the said play is mentioned, or any 
metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise 
to see the drawing of metals, or the casting of 
great ordnance : how the lapidaries did work, 
as also the goldsmiths and cutters of precious 
stones. Nor did they omit to visit the alchym- 
ists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, 
velvet-workers, watch-makers, looking-glass- 
framers, printers, organists, and other such 
kind of artificers, and, every where giving 
them somewhat to drink, did learn and con- 
sider the industry and invention of the trades. 
They went also to hear the public lectures, 
the solemn commencements, the repetitions, 
the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle 
lawyers, and sermons of Evangelical preach- 
ers. He went through the halls and places ap- 
pointed for fencing, and there played against 
the masters themselves at all weapons, and 
showed them by experience, that he knew as 
much in it as, yea more than, they. And, in- 
stead of herborising, they visited the shops of 
druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and 
diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, 
gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of 
some foreign parts, as also how they did 
adulterate them. He went to sec jugglers, 
tumblers, mountebanks and quacksalvers, 
and considered their cunning, their shifts, 
their summer-saults and smooth tongues 
especially of those of Chauny in Picardy, who 
are naturally great praters, and brave givers 
of fibs, in matter of green apes. 

At their return they did eat more soberly 
at supper than at other times, and meats more 
dessicative and extenuating; to the end that 
the intemperate moisture of the air, commu- 
nicated to the body by a necessary confinity, 
might by this means be corrected, and that 
they might not receive any prejudice for want 
of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was 
Gargantua governed, and kept on in this 
course of education, from day to day profit- 
ing, as you may understand such a young 
man of nis age may, of a pregnant judgment, 
with good discipline well continued. Which, 
although at the beginning it seemed difficult, 
became a little after so sweet, so easy, and so 
delightful, that it seemed rather the recrea- 
tion of a king than the study of a scholar. 
Nevertheless Ponocratcs, to divert him from 
this vehement intension of the spirits, thought 
fit, once in a month, upon some fair and clear 



day to go out of the city betimes in the morn- 
ing, either towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or 
to Montrouge, or Charanton-bridge, or to 
Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the 
day long in making the greatest cheer that 
could be devised, sporting, making merry, 
drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, 
tumbling in some fair meadow, unnestling of 
sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for 
frogs and crabs. But although that day was 
past without books or lecture, yet was it not 
spent without profit; for in the said meadows 
they usually repeated certain pleasant verses 
of Virgil's agriculture, of Hesiod, and of Po- 
litian's husbandry; would set a broach some 
witty Latin epigrams, then immediately 
turned them into roundelays and songs for 
dancing in the French language. In their 
feasting, they would sometimes separate the 
water from the wine that was therewith 
mixed, as Cato teachcth, DC Re Rustica, and 
Pliny with an ivy cup would wash the wine 
in a basin full of water, then take it out again 
with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the 
water go from one glass to another, and con- 
trived a thousand little automatory engines, 
that is to say, moving of themselves. 

CHAPTER 25 

How there was a great Strife and Debate 
raised betwixt the Cake-Bakers of Lernc, 
and those of Gargantua's country, where- 
upon were waged great wars 

AT that time, which was the season of vin- 
tage, in the beginning of harvest, when the 
country shepherds were set to keep the vines, 
and hinder the starlings from eating up the 
grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lern6 hap- 
pened to pass along in the broad highway, 
driving into the city ten or twelve horses load- 
ed with cakes, the said shepherds courteously 
entreated them to give them some for their 
money, as the price then ruled in the market. 
For here it is to be remarked, that it is a ce- 
lestial food to eat for breakfast, hot fresh 
cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, 
the great red grapes, the muscadine, the ver- 
juice grape, and the luskard, for those that 
are costive in their belly; because it will make 
them gush out, and squirt the length of a 
hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; 
and oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they 
did all-to-bcsquatter and conskite themselves, 
whereupon they are commonly called the vin- 
tage thinkers. The bunsellers or cake-makers 



GARGANTUA 



31 



were in nothing inclinable to their request; 
but, (which was worse, ) did injure them most 
outrageously, calling them brattling gabblers, 
licorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy ras- 
cals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken royst- 
ers, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce 
fellows, slabber-degullion druggels, lubbard- 
ly louts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paul- 
try customers, sychophant-varlets, drawlatch 
hoydons, flouting milksops, jeering compan- 
ions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny 
lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, 
base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scof- 
fing braggards, noddy meacocks, blockish 
grutnols, doddipol joltheads, jobbernol 
goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, flutch calf- 
lollies, grouthead gnat-snappeis, lob-dotter- 
els, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, 
woodcock slangams, ninnie-hammer fly- 
catchers, noddie-peak simpletons, turdy-gut, 
shitten shepherds, and other such like defam- 
atory epithets; saying further that it was not 
for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but 
might very well content themselves with the 
coarse unraunged bread, or to eat of the great 
brown household loaf. To which provoking 
words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an 
honest fellow of his person, and a notable 
springal, made answer very calmly thus. How 
long is it since you have got horns, that you 
are become so proud? Indeed formerly you 
were wont to give us some freely, and will 
you not now let us have any for our money? 
This is not the pait of good neighbours, nei- 
ther do we serve you thus, when you come 
hither to buy our good corn, whereof you 
make your cakes and buns. Besides that, we 
would have given you to the bargain some of 
our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may 
chance to repent it, and possibly have need 
of us at another time, when we shall use you 
after the like manner, and therefore remem- 
ber it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the 
confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto 
him, Yea, sir, thou art pretty well crest-risen 
this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too 
much mullet and bolymong. Come hither, 
sirrah, come hither, I will give thee some 
cakes. Whereupon Forgier dreading no harm, 
in all simplicity went towards him, and drew 
a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking 
that Marquet would have sold him some of 
his cakes. But instead of cakes, he gave him 
with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the 
legs, the marks of the whipcord knots were 
apparent in them, then would have fled away; 



but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O 
murder, murder, help, help, help! and in the 
mean time threw a great cudgel after him, 
which he carried under his arm, wherewith 
he hit him in the coronal joint of his head, up- 
on the crotaphic artery of the right side there- 
of, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from 
his mare, more like a dead than a living man. 
Meanwhile the farmers and country swains 
that were watching their walnuts near to that 
place, came running with their great poles 
and long staves, and laid such load on these 
cake-bakers, as if they had been to thrash up- 
on green rye. The other shepherds and shep- 
herdesses, hearing the lamentable shout of 
Foigier, came with their slings and slackies 
following them, and throwing great stones at 
them, as thick as if it had been hail. At last 
they oveitook them, and took from them 
about four or five dozen of their cakes. Nev- 
ertheless they paid for them the ordinary 
price, and gave them over and above one 
hundred eggs, and three baskets full of mul- 
berries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get 
up to his mare, Marquet, who was most 
shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned 
to Lerne, changing the resolution they had to 
go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and 
boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, and 
farmers, of Seville and Sinays. This done, the 
shepherds and shepherdesses made merry 
with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported 
themselves together at the sound of the pretty 
small pipe, scoffing and laughing at those 
vain glorious cake-bakers, who had that day 
met with a mischief for want of crossing 
themselves with a good hand in the morning. 
Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's leg 
some fair great red medicinal grapes, and so 
handsomely dressed it and bound it up, that 
he was quickly cured. 

CHAPTER 26 

How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the com- 
mandment' of Picrochole, their Kmg, as- 
saulted the shepJierds of Gargantua unex- 
pectedly and on a sudden 

THE cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, 
went presently, before they did either eat or 
drink, to the capitol, and there before their 
King, called Picrochole, the third of that 
name, made their complaint, showing their 
panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, 
their coats torn, their cakes taken away, but, 
above all, Marquet most enormously wound- 



32 



RABELAIS 



cd, saying, that all that mischief was clone by 
the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, 
near the broad highway beyond Seville. Pic- 
rochole incontinent grew angry and furious; 
and, without asking any further what, how, 
why, or wherefore, commanded the ban and 
arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his 
country, that all his vassals of what condition 
soever should, upon pain of the halter, come 
in the best arms they could, unto the great 
place before the castle, at the hour of noon, 
and the better to strengthen his design, he 
caused the drum to be beat about the town. 
Himself, whilst his dinner was making ready, 
went to see his artillery mounted upon the 
carnage, to display his colours, and set up the 
great royal standard, and loaded wains with 
store of ammunition both for the field and 
the belly, arms and victuals. At dinner he des- 
patched his commissions, and by his express 
edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to 
command the vanguard, wherein were num- 
bered sixteen thousand and fourteen harque- 
bussiers or firelocks, together with thirty thou- 
sand and eleven volunteer adventurers. The 
great Torqueclillon, master of the horse, had 
the charge of the ordnance, wherein were 
reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen 
pieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, 
serpentines, culverins, bombards or nrmrther- 
ers, falcons, bases or passevolans, spiroles and 
other sorts of great guns. The rearguard was 
committed to the Duke of Scrapegood. In the 
main battle was the king, and the princes of 
his kingdom. Thus being hastily furnished, 
before they would set forward, they sent 
three hundred light horsemen under the con- 
duct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the 
country, clear the avenues, and see whether 
there was any ambush laid for them. But, af- 
ter they had made diligent search, they 
found all the land round about in peace and 
quiet, without any meeting or convention at 
all; which Picrochole understanding com- 
manded that every one should march speed- 
ily under his colours. Then immediately in all 
disorder, without keeping either rank or file, 
they took the fields one amongst another, 
wasting, spoiling, destroying and making 
havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing 
poor nor rich, privileged nor unprivileged 
places, church nor laity, drove away oxen and 
cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, 
lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, 
geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs 
and such like; beating down the walnuts, 



plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, 
shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such 
incomparable abuses, that the like abomina- 
tion was never heard of. Nevertheless, they 
met with none to resist them, for every one 
submitted to their mercy, beseeching them, 
that they might be dealt with courteously, in 
regard that they had always carried them- 
selves as became good and loving neighbours; 
and that they had never been guilty of any 
wrong or outrage done unto them, to be thus 
suddenly surprised, troubled and disquieted, 
and that if they would not desist, God would 
punish them very shortly. To which expostu- 
lations and remonstrances no other answer 
was made, but that they would teach them to 
eat cakes. 

CHAPTER 27 

How a monk of Seville saved the close of the 
Abbey from being ransacked by the Enemy 

So much they did, and so far they went pil- 
laging and stealing, that at last they came to 
Seville, where they robbed both men and 
women, and took all they could catch: noth- 
ing was either too hot or too heavy for them. 
Although the plague was there in the most 
part of all their houses, they nevertheless en- 
tered everywhere, then plundered and car- 
ried away all that was within, and yet for all 
this not one of them took any hurt, which is a 
most wonderful case. For the curates, vicars, 
preachers, physicians, chirurgeons and apoth- 
ecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, 
to heal, to preach unto, and admonish those 
that were sick, were all dead with the infec- 
tion; and these devilish robbers and murder- 
ers caught never any harm at all. Whence 
comes this to pass, my masters? I beseech you 
think upon it. The town being thus pillaged, 
they went unto the abbey with a horrible 
noise and tumult, but they found it shut and 
made fast against them. Whereupon the body 
of the army marched forward towards a pass 
or ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven 
companies of foot, and two hundred lancers, 
who, staying there, broke down the walls of 
the close, to waste, spoil and make havoc of 
all the vines and vintage within that place. 
The monks (poor devils) knew not in that 
extremity to which of all their sancts they 
should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all 
adventures they rang the bells ad capitulum 
capitulantes. There it was decreed, that they 
should make a fair procession, stuffed with 



GARGANTUA 



33 



good lectures, prayers, and litanies contra 
hostium insidias,^ and jolly responses pro 
pace. 41 

There was then in the abbey a claustral 
monk, called Friar John of the funnels and 
gobbets, in French, des Entommeures, young, 
gallant, frisk, lusty, nimbly, quick, active, 
bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, vvicle- 
mouthcd, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of 
morning prayers, unbridler of masses, and 
runner over vigils; and, to conclude summari- 
ly in a word, a right monk, if ever there was 
any, since the monking world monked a 
monkery: for the rest, a clerk even to the 
teeth in matter of breviary. This monk, hear- 
ing the noise that the enemy made within the 
inclosure of the vineyard, went out to see 
what they were doing; and perceiving that 
they were cutting and gathering the grapes, 
whereon was grounded the foundation of all 
their next year's wine, returned unto the quiie 
of the church where the other monks were, 
all amazed and astonished like so many bell- 
melters. Whom when he heard sing, im, im, 
pe, ne, ne, ne, tie, nene, turn, ne num, num, 
ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, 
rum, nenurn, num: It is well shit, well sung, 
said he. By the virtue of God, why do not 
you sing, Panniers farewell, vintage is done? 
The devil snatch me, if they be not already 
within the middle of our close, and cut so 
well both vines and grapes that, by God's 
body, there will not be found for these four 
years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By 
the belly of Sanct James, what shall we poor 
devils drink the while? Lord God! da mihi 
potum.* 2 Then said the prior of the convent: 
What should this drunken fellow do here, 
let him be carried to prison for troubling the 
divine service. Nay, said the monk, the wine 
service, let us behave ourselves so, that it be 
not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, 
love to drink of the best, and so doth every 
honest man. Never yet did a man of worth 
dislike good wine, it is a monastical apo- 
phthegm. But these responses that you chant 
here, by G , are not in season. Wherefore is 
it, that our devotions were instituted to be 
short in the time of harvest and vintage, and 
long in the advent and all the winter? The 
late friar, Mace Pelosse, of good memory, a 
true zealous man, (or else I give myself to the 
devil, ) of our religion, told me, and I remem- 
ber it well, how the reason was, that in this 
season we might press and make the wine, 
and in winter whiff it up. Hark you, my mas- 



ters, you that love the wine, Cop's body, fol- 
low me; for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely 
as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one drop 
of the liquor, that will not now come and 
fight for relief of the vine. Hog's belly, the 
goods of the church! Ha, no, no. What the 
devil, Sanct Thomas of England was well 
content to die for them; if I died in the same 
cause, should not I be a sanct likewise? Yes. 
Yet shall not I die there for all this, for it is I 
that must do it to others and send them a 
packing. 

As he spake this, he threw off his great 
monk's habit, and laid hold upon the staff of 
the cross, which was made of the heart of a 
sorb-apple-tree, it being the length of a lance, 
round, of a full gripe, and a little powdered 
with lilies called flower do luce, the work- 
manship whereof was almost all defaced and 
worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long- 
skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfwise 
athwart his breast, and in this equipage, with 
his staff, shaft, or truncheon of the cross, laid 
on so lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his en- 
emies, who without any order, or ensign, or 
trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering 
the grapes of the vineyard. For the cornets, 
guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down 
their standards, banners, and colours by the 
wall-sides: the drummers had knocked out 
the heads of their drums on one end, to fill 
them with grapes : the trumpeters were load- 
ed with great bundles of bunches, and huge 
knots of clusters: in sum, every one of them 
was out of array, and all in disorder. He hur- 
ried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without 
crying gare or beware, that he overthrew 
them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, 
striking athwart and alongst, and by one 
means or other laid so about him, after the old 
fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out 
their brains, to others he crushed their arms, 
battered their legs, and bethwacked their 
sides till their ribs cracked with it. To others 
again he un jointed the spondyles or knuckles 
of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed 
their faces, made their cheeks hang flapping 
on their chin, and so swinged and belammed 
them, that they fell down before him like hay 
before a mower. To some others he spoiled 
the frame of their kidneys, marred their 
backs, broke their thigh-bones, pushed in 
their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their 
mandibules, tore their jaws, dash'd in their 
teeth into their throat, shook asunder their 
omoplates or shoulder blades, sphacelated 



34 



RABELAIS 



their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed 
their ankles, heaved off of the hinges their 
ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated 
the joints of their knees, squattered into 
pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, 
and so thumped, mawled and belaboured 
them everywhere, that never was corn so 
thick and threefold thrashed upon by plough- 
men's flails, as were the pitifully disjoined 
members of their mangled bodies, under the 
merciless baton of the cross. If any offered to 
hide himself amongst the thickest of the 
vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised 
the ridge of his back, and dashed his reins 
like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, 
he made his head to fly in pieces by the lamb- 
doidal commissure, which is a seam in the 
hinder part of the skull. If any one did scram- 
ble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, 
he rent up his pcrinee, and impaled him in at 
the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance 
happened to cry out, ha, Friar John, my 
friend, Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield 
myself to you, to you I render myself! So thou 
shalt, said he, and must, whether thou 
wouldst or no, and withal render and yield 
up thy soul to all the devils in hell, then sud- 
denly gave them dronos, that is, so many 
knocks, thumps, raps, dints, thwacks and 
bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their com- 
ing, and despatch them a going. If any was 
so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to 
his face, then was it he did show the strength 
of his muscles, for without more ado he did 
transpierce him, by running him in at the 
breast, through the mediastine and the heart. 
Others, again, he so quashed and bebumped, 
that, with a sound bounce under the hollow 
of their short ribs, he overturned their stom- 
achs so that they died immediately. To some, 
with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would 
make their midriff swag, then, redoubling the 
blow, gave them such a home-push on the 
navel, that he made their puddings to gush 
out. To others through their ballocks he 
pierced their bum-gut, and left not bowel, 
tripe, nor entral in their body, that had not 
felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of 
his violence. Believe, that it was the most hor- 
rible spectacle that ever one saw. Some cried 
unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George. O the 
holy Lady Nytouch, said one, the good Sanc- 
tesse. O our Lady of Succours, said another, 
help, help! Others cried, Our Lady of Cu- 
naut, of Loretto, of Good Tidings, on the oth- 
er side of the water St. Mary Over. Some 



vowed a pilgrimage to St. James, and others 
to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, 
which three months after that burnt so well 
in the fire, that they could not get one thread 
of it saved. Others sent up their vows to St. 
Cadouin, others to St. John d'Angly, and to 
St. Eutropius of Xaintes. Others again in- 
voked St. Mesmcs of Chinon, St. Martin of 
Candes, St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy relics 
of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little 
sancts and santrels. Some died without 
speaking, others spoke without dying; some 
died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Oth- 
ers shouted as loud as they could, Confession, 
confession, confitcor, miserere, in mantis! So 
great was the cry of the wounded, that the 
Prior of the Abbey with all his monks came 
forth, who, when they saw these poor wretch- 
es so slain amongst the vines, and wounded 
to death, confessed some of them. But whilst 
the priests where busied in confessing them, 
the little monkitos ran all to the place where 
Friar John was, and asked him, wherein he 
would be pleased to require their assistance? 
To which he answered, that they should cut 
the throats of those he had thrown down upon 
the ground. They presently, leaving their 
outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began 
to throttle and make an end of those whom 
he had already crushed. Can you tell with 
what instruments they did it? With fair gul- 
lies, which are little haulchbacked demi- 
knives, the iron tool whereof is two inches 
long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, 
and three inches in length, wherewith the lit- 
tle boys in our eountiy cut ripe walnuts in 
two, while they are yet in the shell, and pick 
out the kernel, and they found them very fit 
for the expediting of wezand-slitting exploits. 
In the mean time Friar John, with his formid- 
able baton of the cross, got to the breach 
which the enemies had made, and there 
stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to 
escape. Some of the monkitos carried the 
standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and col- 
ours into their cells and chambers, to make 
garters of them. But when those that had 
been shriven would have gone out ot the gap 
of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed 
and felled them down with blows, saying, 
These men have had confession and are peni- 
tent souls, they have got their absolution and 
gained the pardons: they go into paradise as 
straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye, 
(like Crookedlane at Eastcheap) . Thus by his 
prowess and valour were discomfited all 



GARGANTUA 



35 



those of the army that entered into the close 
of the abbey unto the number of thirteen 
thousand six hundred twenty and two, be- 
sides the women and little children, which is 
always to be understood. Never did Maugis 
the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with 
his bourdon or pilgrim's staff against the Sar- 
acens, of whom is written in the Acts of the 
four sons of Haymon, than did this monk 
against his enemies with the staff of the cross. 

CHAPTER 28 

How Picrochole stormed and took by assault 
the Rock Clermond, and of Grangousicr's 
unwillingness and aversion from the un- 
dertaking of war 

WHILST the monk did thus skirmish, as we 
have said, against those which were entered 
within the close, Picrochole in great haste 
passed the ford of Vede,n very especial 
pass, with all his soldiery, and set upon the 
rock Clermond, where there was made him 
no resistance at all: and, because it was al- 
ready night, he resolved to quarter himself 
and his army in that town, and to refresh 
himself of his pugnative choler. In the morn- 
ing he stormed and took the bulwarks and 
castle, which afterwards he fortified with 
rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition 
requisite, intending to make his retreat there, 
if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; 
for it was a strong place, both by art and na- 
ture, in regard of the stance and situation of 
it. But let us leave them there, and return to 
our good Gargantua, who is at Paris very as- 
siduous and earnest at the study of good let- 
ters, and athletical exercitations, and to the 
good old man Grangousier his father, who af- 
ter supper warrneth his bal locks by a good, 
clear, great fire, and, waiting upon the broil- 
ing of some chesnuts, is very serious in draw- 
ing scratches on the hearth, with a stick 
burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stir 
up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of 
the family pleasant old stories and tales of 
former times. 

Whilst he was thus employed, one of the 
shepherds which did keep the vines, named 
Pillot, came towards him, and to the full re- 
lated the enormous abuses which were com- 
mitted, and the excessive spoil that was 
made by Picrochole, King of Lerne, upon his 
lands and territories, and how he had pil- 
laged, wasted, and ransacked all the country, 
except the inclosure at Seville, which Friar 



John dcs Entommeures, to his great honour, 
had preserved; and that at the same present 
time the said king was in the rock Clermond, 
and there, with great industry and circum- 
spection, was strengthening himself and his 
whole army. Halas, halas, alas, said Grangou- 
sier, what is this, good people? Do I dream, 
or is it true that they tell me? Picrochole, my 
ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred 
and alliance, comes he to invade me? What 
moves him? What provokes him? What sets 
him on? What drives him to it? Who hath giv- 
en him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my 
God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and 
advise me what I shall do! I protest, I swear 
before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if 
ever I did him or his subjects any damage or 
displeasure, or committed any the least rob- 
bery in his country; but, on the contrary, I 
have succoured and supplied him with men, 
money, friendship, and counsel, upon any oc- 
casion, wherein I could be steadable for the 
improvement of his good. That he hath there- 
fore at this nick of time so outraged and 
wronged me, it cannot be but by the malevo- 
lent and wicked spirit. Good God thou know- 
est my courage, for nothing can be hidden 
from thee. If perhaps he be grown mad, and 
that thou hast sent him hither to me for the 
better recovery and re-establishment of his 
brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring 
him to the yoke of thy holy will by good dis- 
cipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my 
friends, and my faithful servants, must I hin- 
der you from helping me? Alas, my old age 
required henceforward nothing else but rest, 
and all the days of my life I have laboured 
for nothing so much as peace; but now I 
must, I see it well, load with arms my poor, 
weary and feeble shoulders, and take in my 
trembling hand the lance and horseman's 
mace, to succour and protect my honest sub- 
jects. Reason will have it so; for by their la- 
bour am I entertained, and with their sweat 
am I nourished, I, my children and my fam- 
ily. This notwithstanding, I will not under- 
take war, until I have first tried all the ways 
and means of peace; that I resolve upon. 

Then assembled he his counsel, and pro- 
posed the matter as it was indeed. Where- 
upon it was concluded, that they should send 
some discreet man unto Picrochole, to know 
wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the 
peace, and invaded those lands unto which 
he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that 
they should send for Gargantua, and those 



36 



RABELAIS 



under his command, for the preservation of 
the country, and defence now at need. All 
this pleased Grangousier very well, and he 
commanded that so it should be done. Pres- 
ently therefore he sent Basque, his lackey, to 
fetch Gargantua with all diligence, and wrote 
to him as followeth. 



CHAPTER 29 

The tenor of the Letter which Grangousier 
wrote to liis Son Garganttia 

THE fervency of thy studies did require, that 
I should not in a long time recall thee from 
that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if 
the confidence reposed in our friends and an- 
cient confederates had not at this present dis- 
appointed the assurance of my old age. But 
seeing such is my fatal destiny, that I should 
be now disquited by those in whom I trusted 
most, I am forced to call thee back to help the 
people and goods, which by the right of na- 
ture belong unto thee. For even as arms are 
weak abroad, if there be not counsel at home, 
so is that study and counsel unprofitable, 
which in a due and convenient time is not by 
virtue executed and put in effect. My delib- 
eration is not to provoke, but to appease not 
to assault, but to defend not to conquer, but 
to preserve my faithful subjects and heredi- 
tary dominions, into which Picrochole is en- 
tered in a hostile manner without any ground 
or cause, and from day to day pursueth his 
furious enterprise with that height of inso- 
lence that is intolerable to free-born spirits. I 
have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical 
choler, offering him all that which I thought 
might give him satisfaction; and oftentimes 
have I sent lovingly unto him, to understand 
wherein, by whom, and how he found him- 
self to be wronged. But of him could I obtain 
no other answer, but a mere defiance, and 
that in my lands he did pretend only to the 
right of a civil correspondency and good be- 
haviour, whereby I knew that the eternal God 
hath left him to the disposure or his own free 
will and sensual appetite, which cannot 
choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be 
not continually guided, and to contain him 
within his duty, and to bring him to know 
himself, hath sent him hither to me by a 
grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, 
as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these let- 
ters, repair hither with all diligence to suc- 
cour not me so much, which nevertheless by 



natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine 
own people, which by reason thou mayest 
save and preserve. The exploit shall be done 
with as little effusion of blood as may be. 
And, if possible, by means far more expedi- 
ent, such as military policy, devices and strat- 
agems of war, we shall save all the souls, and 
send them home as merry as crickets unto 
their own houses. My dearest son, the peace 
of Jesus Christ, our Redeemer be with thee. 
Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and 
Eu demon. The twentieth of September. 
THY FATHER, GRANGOUSIER 



CHAPTER 30 

How Ulrich Gallct was sent unto Picrochole 

THE letters being dictated, signed, and 
sealed, Grangousier ordained that Ulrich 
Gallet, Master of the Requests, a very wise 
and discreet man, of whose prudence and 
sound judgment he had made trial in several 
difficult and debateful matters, [should] go 
unto Picrochole, to show what had been de- 
creed amongst them. At the same hour de- 
parted the good man Gallet, and, having 
passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt 
there, in what condition Picrochole was: who 
answered him, that his soldiers had left nei- 
ther cock nor hen, that they were retired and 
shut up into the rock Clermond, and that he 
would not advise him to go any further for 
fear of the scouts, because they were enor- 
mously furious. Which he easily believed, 
and therefore lodged that night with the mil- 
ler. 

The next morning he went with a trumpe- 
ter to the gate of the castle, and required of 
the guards he might be admitted to speak 
with the king of somewhat that concerned 
him. These words being told unto the king, he 
would by no means consent that they should 
open the gate; but, getting upon the top of 
the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What 
is the news, what have you to say? Then the 
ambassador began to speak as followeth. 



CHAPTER 31 

The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole 

THERE cannot arise amongst men a juster 
cause of grief, than when they receive hurt 
and damage, where they may justly expect 
for favour and good will; and not without 



GARGANTUA 



37 



cause though without reason, have many, af- 
ter they had fallen into such a calamitous ac- 
cident, esteemed this indignity less support- 
able than the loss of their own lives, in such 
sort, that if they have not been able by force 
of arms, nor any other means, by reach of wit 
or subtilty, to correct it, they have fallen into 
desperation, and utterly deprived themselves 
of this light. It is therefore no wonder if King 
Grangousier, my master, be full of high dis- 
pleasure, and much disquieted in mind upon 
thy outrageous and hostile coming: but tru- 
ly it would be a marvel, if he were not sensi- 
ble of, and moved with the incomparable 
abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and 
thine upon those of his country, towards 
whom there hath been no example of inhu- 
manity omitted. Which in itself is to him so 
frievous, for the cordial affection, wherewith 
e hath always cherished his subjects, that 
more it cannot be to any mortal man; yet in 
this, above human apprehension, is it to him 
the more grievous, that these wrongs and sad 
offences hath been committed by thoe and 
thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiqui- 
ty, thou and thy predecessors, have been in a 
continual league and amity with him, and all 
his ancestors; which, even until this time, you 
have, as sacred, together inviolably pre- 
served, kept and entertained so well that not 
he and his only, but the very barbarous na- 
tions of the Poictevins, Bretons, Manceaux, 
and those that dwell beyond the isles of the 
Canaries, and that of Isabella, have thought 
it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to 
set up the depths above the clouds, as to 
make a breach in your alliance; and have 
been so afraid of it in their enterprises, that 
they have never dared to provoke, incense, or 
indamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, 
which is more, this sacred league hath so 
filled the world, that there are few nations at 
this day inhabiting throughout all the conti- 
nent and isles of the ocean, who have not am- 
bitiously aspired to be received into it, upon 
your own covenants and conditions, holding 
your joint confederacy in as high esteem as 
their own territories and dominions, in such 
sort, that from the memory of man, there hath 
not been either prince or league so wild and 
proud, that durst have offered to invade, I say 
not your countries, but not so much as those 
of your confederates. And if, by rash and 
heady counsel, they have attempted any new 
design against them, as soon as they heard the 
name and title of your alliance, they have 



suddenly desisted from their enterprises. 
What rage and madness, therefore, doth now 
incite thee, all old alliance infringed, all am- 
ity trod under foot, and all right violated, 
thus in a hostile manner to invade his coun- 
try, without having been by him or his in any 
thing prejudiced, wronged or provoked? 
Where is faith? Where is law? Where is rea- 
son? Where is humanity? Where is the fear of 
God? Dost thou think that these atrocious 
abuses are hidden from the Eternal Spirit, 
and the supreme God, who is the just rewaid- 
er of all our undertakings? If thou so think, 
thou deceivest thyself; for all things shall 
come to pass, as in his incomprehensible 
judgment he hath appointed. Is it thy fatal 
destiny, or influences of the stars, that would 
put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and 
rest? For that all things have their end and 
period, so as that, when they are come to the 
superlative point of their greatest height, they 
are in a trice tumbled down again, as not be- 
ing able to abide long in that state. This is 
the conclusion and end of those who cannot 
by reason and temperance moderate their for- 
tunes and prosperities. But if it be predesti- 
nated that thy happiness and ease must now 
come to an end, must it needs be by wrong- 
ing my king; him by whom thou wert estab- 
lished? If thy house must come to ruin, 
should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of 
him that set it up? The matter is so unreason- 
able, and so dissonant from common sense, 
that hardly can it be conceived by human un- 
derstanding, and [it will remain] altogether 
incredible unto strangers till by the certain 
and undoubted effects thereof it be made ap- 
parent, that nothing is either sacred or holy to 
those, who having emancipated themselves 
from God and reason, do merely follow the 
perverse affections of their own depraved na- 
ture. If any wrong had been done by us to thy 
subjects and dominions if we had favoured 
thy ill-willers if we had not assisted thee in 
thy need if thy name and reputation had 
been wounded by us or, to speak more truly, 
if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce 
thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceit- 
ful fantasies, put into thy conceit the impres- 
sion of a thought, that we had done unto thee 
any thing unworthy of our ancient correspon- 
dence and friendship, thou oughtest first to 
have inquired out the truth, and afterwards 
by a seasonable warning to admonish us 
thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, 
according to thine own heart's desire, that 



38 



RABELAIS 



thou shouldest have had occasion to be con- 
tented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enter- 
prise? Wonldest thou, like a perfidious tyrant, 
thus spoil and lay waste my master's king- 
dom? Hast thou found him so silly and block- 
ish, that he would not, or so destitute of men 
and money, of counsel and skill in military 
discipline, that he cannot withstand thy un- 
just invasion? March hence presently, and to- 
morrow, some time of the clay, retreat into 
thine own country, without doing any kind of 
violence or disorderly act by the way; and 
pay with all a thousand besans of gold, 
(which, in English money, amounted to five 
thousand pounds) for reparation of the dam- 
ages thou hast done in his country. Half thou 
shalt pay to-morrow, and the other half at the 
ides of May next coming, leaving with us in 
the meantime, for hostages, the Dukes of 
Turnbank, Lowbuttock and Smalltrash, to- 
gether with the Prince of Itches, (Scrub- 
bado) and Viscount of Snatchbit. 

CHAPTER 32 

How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the 
Cakes to be restored 

WITH that the good man Gallet held his 
peace, but Picrochole to all his discourse an- 
swered nothing but, "Corne and fetch them; 
come and fetch them; they have ballocks fair 
and soft; they will knead and provide some 
cakes for you." Then returned he to Grangou- 
sier, whom he found upon his knees, bare- 
headed, crouching in a little corner of his 
cabinet, and humbly praying unto God, that 
he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of 
Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of rea- 
son without proceeding by force. When the 
good man came back, he waked him, Ha, my 
friend, my friend, what news do you bring 
me? There is neither hope nor remedy, said 
Gallet: the man is quite out of his wits, and 
forsaken of God. Yea, but, said Grangousier, 
my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his 
outrages? He did not show me any cause at 
all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he 
spoke some words of cakes. I cannot tell, if 
they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers. 
I will know, said Grangousier, the matter 
thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon 
what is to be done. Then sent he to learn con- 
cerning that business, and found by true in- 
formation, that his men had taken violently 
some cakes from Picrochole's people, and that 
Marquet's head was broken with a slacky or 



short cudgel: that, nevertheless, all was well, 
and that the said Marquet had first hurt For- 
gier with a stroke of his whip athwart the 
legs. And it seemed good to his whole coun- 
sel, that he should defend himself with all his 
might. Notwithstanding all this, said Gran- 
gousier, seeing the question is but about a few 
cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am 
very unwilling to wage war against him. He 
inquired then what quantity of cakes they 
had taken away, and understanding, that it 
was but some four or five dozen, he com- 
manded five cart-loads of them to be baked 
that same night; and that there should be one 
full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks 
of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be be- 
stowed upon Marquet unto whom likewise 
he directed to be given seven hundred thou- 
sand and three Philips, (that is, at three shill- 
ings the piece, one hundred and five thou- 
sand pounds, nine shillings of English mon- 
ey, ) for reparation of his losses and hinderan- 
ces, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon 
that had dressed his wound; and furthermore 
settled upon him and his for ever in freehold, 
the apple orchard called La Pornardiere. For 
the conveyance and passing of all which was 
sent Gallet, who by the way as they went, 
made them gather near the willow-trees, 
great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, 
wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to 
garnish and deck their carts, and each of 
them to carry one in his hand, as himself like- 
wise did, thereby to give all men to under- 
stand, that they demanded by peace, and that 
they came to buy it. 

Being come to the gate, they required to 
speak with Picrochole from Grangousier. Pic- 
rochole would not so much as let them in, nor 
go to speak with them, but sent them word 
that he was busy, and that they should deliv- 
er their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who 
was then planting a piece of ordnance upon 
the wall. Then said the good man unto him, 
My Lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to 
take away all excuses why you may not re- 
turn unto our former alliance, we do here 
presently restore unto you the cakes upon 
which the quarrel arose. Five dozen did our 
people take away: they were well paid for: 
we love peace so well that we restore unto 
you five cart-loads, of which this cart shall be 
for Marquet, who doth most complain. Be- 
sides, to content him entirely, here are seven 
hundred thousand and three Philips, which I 
deliver to him, and, for the losses he may pre- 



GARGANTUA 



39 



tend to have sustained, I resign for ever the 
farm of the Pomardiere, to be possessed in 
fee-simple by him and his, for ever, without 
the payment of any duty, or acknowledg- 
ment of homage, fealty, fine, or service what- 
soever, and here is the tenor of the deed. And, 
for God's sake, let us live henceforward in 
peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily into 
your own country from within this place, un- 
to which you have no right at all, as your- 
selves must needs confess, and let us be good 
friends as before. Touquedillon related all 
this to Picrochole, and more and more exas- 
perated his courage, saying to him; These 
clowns are afraid to some purpose. By G , 
Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the 
poor drinker. lie is not skilled in warfare, nor 
hath he any stomach for it. He knows better 
how to empty the flagons, that is his art. I 
am of opinion, that it is fit we send back the 
carts and the money, and for the rest, that 
very speedily we fortify ourselves here, then 
prosecute our fortune. But what! Do they 
think to have to do with a ninny-whoop, to 
feed you thus \vith cakes? You may see what 
it is. The good usage, and great familiarity 
which you have had with them heretofore, 
hath made you contemptible in their eyes. 
Ungenton purget pungentom rustius unget.^ 
Ca, ca, ca, said Picrochole, by St. James 
you have given a true character of them. One 
thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon. 
We are here but badly victualled, and fur- 
nished with mouth-harness very slenderly. If 
Grangousier should come to besiege us I 
would go presently, and pluck out of all your 
soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, 
except three to each of us, and with them 
alone we should make an end of our provi- 
sion but too soon. We shall have, said Picro- 
chole, but too much sustenance and feeding 
stuff. Come we hither to eat or to fight? To 
fight, indeed, said Touquedillon; yet from the 
paunch comes the dance, and where famine 
rules, force is exiled. Leave off your prating, 
said Picrochole, and forthwith seize upon 
what they have brought. Then took they 
money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent 
them away without speaking one word, only 
that they would come no more so near, for a 
reason that they would give them the mor- 
row after. Thus without doing any thing re- 
turned they to Grangousier, and related the 
whole matter unto him, subjoining that there 
was no hope left to draw them to peace, but 
by sharp and fierce wars. 



CHAPTER 33 



How some Statesmen of Picrochole, by hair- 
brained counsel, put Jiim in extreme dan- 
ger 

THE carts being unloaded, and the money 
and cakes secured, there came before Picro- 
chole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl of 
Swashbuckler, and Captain Durtaille, who 
said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the 
happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous 
prince that ever was, since the death of Alex- 
ander of Macedonia. Be covered, be covered, 
said Picrochole. Grammercie, said they, we 
do but our duty. The manner is thus. You 
shall leave some captain here to have the 
charge of this garrison, with a party compe- 
tent for keeping of the place, which, besides 
its natural strength, is made stronger by the 
rampiers and fortresses of your devising. 
Your army you are to divide into two parts, 
as you know very well how to do. One part 
thereof shall fall upon Grangousier and his 
forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first 
shock routed, and then shall you get money 
by heaps, for the clown hath store of ready 
coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and 
generous prince hath never a penny, and that 
to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. 
The other part of the army in the mean time 
shall draw towards Onys, Xaintonge, Angou- 
mois and Gascony. Then march to Perigourt, 
Medos, and Elanes, taking wherever you 
come, without resistance, towns, castles, and 
forts: afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de 
Luz, to Fuentarabia, where you shall seize 
upon all the ships, and coasting along Galli- 
cia and Portugal, shall pillage all the mari- 
time places, even unto Lisbon, where you 
shall be supplied with all necessaries befitting 
a conqueror. By copsodie, Spain will yield, 
for they are but a race of loobies. Then are 
you to pass by the Straits of Gibraltar, where 
you shall erect two pillars more stately than 
those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory 
of your name, and the narrow entrance there 
shall be called the Picrocholinal sea. 

Having passed the Picrocholinal Sea, be- 
hold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave. I 
will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter 
and spare his life. Yea, said they, so that he 
be content to be christened. And you shall 
conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Ar- 
gier, Bomine, Corone, yea all Barbary. Fur- 
thermore, you shall take into your hands 



40 



RABELAIS 



Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the 
other islands of the Ligustic and Balearian 
Seas. Going along on the left hand, you shall 
rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Al- 
lobrogians, Genua, Florence, Lucca, and 
then God b'w'ye Rome. [Our poor Monsieur 
the pope dies now for fear.] By my faith, 
said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pan- 
tofle. 

Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Ca- 
labria, Apulia, and Sicily all ransacked, and 
Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights here- 
tofore of Rhodes would but come to resist 
you, that we might sec their urine. I would, 
said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto. 
No, no, said they, that shall be at our return. 
From thence we will sail eastwards, and take 
Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Is- 
lands, and set upon the Morea. It is ours, by 
St. Trenian. The Lord preserve Jerusalem; 
for the great Soldan is not comparable to you 
in power. I will then, said he, cause Solo- 
mon's Temple to be built. No, said they, not 
yet, have a little patience, stay a while, be 
never too sudden in your enterprises. Can 
you tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festi- 
na lente. 44 It is requisite that you first have 
the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphylia, 
Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Car- 
azia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, 
Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, 
said Picrochole, Babylon and Mount Sinai? 
There is no need, said they, at this time. Have 
we not hurried up and down, travelled and 
toiled enough, in having transfreted and past 
over the Hircanian Sea, marched along the 
two Armenias, and the three Arabias? Ay, by 
my faith, said he, we have played the fools, 
and are undone. Ha, poor souls! What's the 
matter, said they? What shall we have, said 
he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Au- 
gustus with his whole army died there for 
thirst, as they say. We have already, said 
they, given order for that. In the Syriac Sea 
you have nine thousand and fourteen great 
ships laden with the best wines in the world. 
They arrived at port Joppa. There they found 
two and twenty thousand camels, and sixteen 
hundred elephants, which you shall have tak- 
en at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you 
entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had 
all the Mecca caravan. Did not they furnish 
you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but, said he, 
we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said 
they, not of a fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, 
who pretends and aspires to the monarchy of 



the world, cannot always have his ease. God 
be thanked, that you and your men are come 
safe and sound unto the banks of the River 
Tigris. But, said he, what doth that part of 
our army in the meantime, which overthrows 
that unworthy swill-pot Grangousier? They 
are not idle, said they. We shall meet with 
them by and by. They shall have won you 
Brittany, Normandy, Flanders, Hainhault, 
Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have 
passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Swit- 
zers and Lanskenets, and a party of these 
hath subdued Luxemburg, Lorrain, Cham- 
paigne, and Savoy, even to Lyons, in which 
place they have met with your forces return- 
ing from the naval conquests of the Mediter- 
ranean Sea; and have rallied again in Bohe- 
mia, after they had plundered and sacked 
Suevia, Wirtemberg, Bavaria, Austria, Mora- 
via, and Styria. Then they set fiercely togeth- 
er upon Lubeck, Norway, Swedeland, Riga, 
Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, 
even unto the Frozen Sea. This done, they 
conquered the isles of Orkney, and subdued 
Scotland, England and Ireland. From thence 
sailing through the sandy sea, and by the Sar- 
mates, they have vanquished and overcome 
Prussia, Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Walla- 
chia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, Tur- 
quieland, and are now at Constantinople. 
Come, said Picrochole, let us go join with 
them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Tre- 
bezonde also. Shall we not kill all these dogs, 
Turks and Mahometans? What a devil should 
we do else, said they? And you shall give their 
goods and lands to such as shall have served 
you honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, 
that is but just. I give unto you Caramania, 
Snria, and all Palestine. Ha, sir, said they, it is 
out of your goodness; grammcrcie, we thank 
you. God grant you may always prosper. 
There was there present at that time an old 
gentleman well experienced in the wars, a 
stern soldier, and who had been in many 
great hazards, named Echephron, who, hear- 
ing this discourse, said, I do greatly doubt 
that all this enterprise will be like the tale or 
interlude of the pitcher full of milk, where- 
with a shoemaker made himself rich in con- 
cent: but, when the pitcher was broken, he 
had not whereupon to dine. What do you pre- 
tend by these large conquests? What shall be 
the end of so many labours and crosses? Thus 
it shall be, said Picrochole, that when we are 
returned, we shall sit clown, rest, and be mer- 
ry. But, said Echephron, if by chance you 



GARGANTUA 



41 



should never come back, for the voyage is 
long and dangerous, were it not better for us 
to take our rest now, than unnecessarily to ex- 
pose ourselves to so many dangers? O, said 
Swashbuckler by G , here is a good dotard, 
come, go hide ourselves in the corner of a 
chimney, and there let us spend the whole 
time of our life amongst ladies, in threading 
pearls, or spinning, like Sardanaplus. He, 
that nothing ventures, hath neither horse nor 
mule, says Solomon. He, who adventureth 
too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse 
and mule, as answered Malchon. Enough, 
said Picrochole, go forward. I fear nothing 
but that these devilish legions of Grangousi- 
cr, whilst we arc in Mesopotamia, will come 
on our backs, and charge up our rear. What 
course shall we then take? What shall be our 
remedy? A very good one, said Durtaille; a 
pretty little commission, which you must send 
unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into the 
field in an instant four hundred and fifty 
thousand choice men of war. O that you 
would but make me your Lieutenant-Gener- 
al, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict 
great punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, 
I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, 
said Picrochole, make haste, my lads, and let 
him that loves me follow me. 

CHAPTER 34 

How Garganiuci left the city of Paris to suc- 
cour Jiis country, am! how Gymnast en- 
countered with the enemy 

IN this same very hour Cargantua, who was 
gone out of Paris, as soon as he had read his 
father's letters, coming upon his great mare, 
had already passed the Nunnery-bridge, him- 
self, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, 
who all three, the better to enable them to go 
along with him, took post-horses. The rest of 
his train came after him by even journeys at a 
slower pace, bringing with them all his books 
and philosophical instruments. As soon as he 
had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a 
farmer of Gouguet, how Picrochole had forti- 
fied himself within the rock Clermond, and 
had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to 
set upon the wood of Vede and Vaugaudry, 
and that they had already plundered the 
whole country, not leaving cock nor hen, even 
as far as to the wine-press of Billard. These 
strange and almost incredible news of the 
enormous abuses, thus committed over all the 
land, so affrighted Gargantua, that he knew 



not what to say nor do. But Ponocrates coun- 
selled to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who 
at all times had been their friend and confed- 
erate, and that by him they should be bettor 
advised in their business. Which they did in- 
continently, and found him very willing and 
fully resolved to assist them, and therefore 
was of opinion, that they should send some 
one of his company, to scout along and dis- 
cover the country, to learn in what condition 
and posture the enemy was, that they might 
take counsel, and proceed according to the 
present occasion. Gymnast offered himself to 
go. Whereupon it was concluded, that for his 
safety, and the better expedition, he should 
have with him some one that knew the ways, 
avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers there- 
about. Then away went he and Preliugot, the 
equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon's horse, 
who scouted and espied as narrowly as they 
could upon all quarters without any fear. In 
the meantime Gargantua took a little refresh- 
ment, ate somewhat himself, the like did 
those who were with him, and caused to give 
to his marc a picotine of oats, that is, three- 
score and fourteen quarters and three bush- 
els. Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, 
that at last they met with the enemy's forces, 
all scatteied and out of order, plundering, 
stealing, robbing, and pillaging all they could 
lay their hands on. And, as far off as they 
could perceive him, they ran thronging upon 
the back of one another in all haste towards 
him, to unload him of his money, and untruss 
his portmanteaus. Then cried he out unto 
them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire 
you to spare me. I have yet one crown left. 
Come, we must drink it, for it is aurum pota- 
bile, 43 and this horse here shall be sold to pay 
my welcome. Afterwards take me for one of 
your own, for never yet was there any man 
that knew better how to take, lard, roast and 
dress, yea, by G , to tear asunder and devour 
a hen, than I that am here: and for my Pro- 
ficiat I drink to all good fellows. With that he 
unscrewed his borracho, (which was a great 
Dutch leathern bottle,) and without putting 
in his nose drank very honestly. Themarroufle 
rogues looked upon him, opening their 
throats a foot wide, arid putting out their 
tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink af- 
ter him: but Captain Tripet, in the very nick 
of that their expectation, came running to 
him to see who it was. To him Gymnast of- 
fered his bottle, saying, Hold captain, drink 
boldly and spare not; 1 have been thy taster, 



42 



RABELAIS 



it is wine of La Faye Monjau. What! said Tri- 
pet, this fellow gybes and flouts us? Who art 
thou? said Tripet. 1 am, said Gymnast, a poor 
devil (pauvre diable). Ha, said Tripet, see- 
ing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou 
shouldest be permitted to go whithersoever 
thou wilt, for all poor devils pass every where 
without toll or tax. But it is not the custom of 
poor devils to be so well mounted; therefore, 
Sir Devil, come down, and let me have your 
horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, 
Master Devil, must do it: for I love a life that 
such a devil as you should carry me away. 

CHAPTER 35 

How Gymnast very souply and cunningly 
killed Captain Tripet, and others of Picro- 
chole's Men 

WHEN they heard these words, some amongst 
them began to be afraid, and blest themselves 
with both hands, thinking indeed that he had 
been a devil disguised, insomuch that one of 
them, named Good John, captain of the 
trained bands of the country bumpkins, took 
his psalter out of his codpiece, and cried out 
aloud, Hagios ho Theos. 46 If thou be of God, 
speak, if thou be of the other spirit, avoid 
hence, and get thee going. Yet he went not 
away: which words being heard by all the 
soldiers that were there, divers of them being 
a little inwardly terrified, departed from the 
place. All this did Gymnast very well remark 
and consider, and therefore making as if he 
would have alighted from off his horse, as he 
was poising himself on the mounting side, he 
most nimbly, with his short sword by his 
thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, per- 
formed the stirrup leather feat, whereby, af- 
ter the inclining of his body downwards, he 
forthwith launched himself aloft in the air, 
and placed both his feet together on the sad- 
dle, standing upright with his back turned to- 
wards the horse's head. Now, said he, my case 
goes backward. Then suddenly, in the same 
very posture wherein he was, he fetched a 
gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left 
hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly 
round, just into its former stance, without 
missing one jot. Ha, said Tripet, I will not do 
that at this time, and not without cause. Well, 
said Gymnast, I have failed, I will undo this 
leap. Then, with a marvellous strength and 
agility, turning towards the right hand, he 
fetched another frisking gambol, as before, 
which done, he set his right hand thumb up- 



on the hind bow of the saddle, raised himself 
up, and sprung in the air; poising and up- 
holding his whole body upon the muscle and 
nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and 
whirled himself about three times. At the 
fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it 
upside down, and foreside back, without 
touching any thing, he brought himself be- 
twixt the horse's two ears, springing with all 
his body into the air, upon the thumb of his 
left hand, and in that posture, turning like a 
windmill, did most actively do that trick 
which is called the miller's pass. After this, 
clapping his right hand flat upon the middle 
of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking 
swing, that he thereby seated himself upon 
the crupper, after the manner of gentlewom- 
en sitting on horseback. This clone, he easily 
past his right leg over the saddle, and placed 
himself like one that rides in croup. But, said 
he, it were better for me to get into the sad- 
dle; then putting the thumbs of both hands 
upon the crupper before him, and thereupon 
leaning himself, as upon the only supporters 
of his body, he incontinently turned heels 
over head in the air, and straight found him- 
self betwixt the bows of the saddle in a good 
settlement. Then with a summer-sault spring- 
ing into the air again, he fell to stand with 
both his feet close together upon the saddle, 
and there made above a hundred frisks, 
turns, and demi-pommads, with his arms held 
out across, and in so doing cried out aloud, I 
rage, I rage, devils, I am stark mad; devils, I 
am mad; hold me, devils, hold me, hold, dev- 
ils, hold, hold! 

Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in 
great astonishment said to one another, By 
cocks death he is a goblin or a devil thus dis- 
guised, Ab hostc maligno libera nos, Do- 
mine, 47 and ran away in a full flight, as if 
they had been routed, looking now and then 
behind them, like a dog that carrieth away a 
goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast, spy- 
ing his advantage, alighted from his horse, 
drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon 
the thickest, and highest-crested among them, 
and overthrew them in great heaps, hurt, 
wounded, and bruised, being resisted by no- 
body, they thinking he had been a starved 
devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats 
in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the 
talk Tripet had with nim, calling him poor 
devil. Only Tripet would have traitorously 
cleft his head with his horseman's sword, or 
lansquenet fauchion; but he was well armed, 



GARGANTUA 



43 



and felt nothing of the blow, but the weight 
of the stroke. Whereupon turning suddenly 
about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and up- 
on the back of that, whilst he was about to 
ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at 
the breast with a hit, which at once cut his 
stomach, the fifth gut called the colon, and 
the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the 
ground, and in falling gushed forth above 
four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled 
with the pottage. 

This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, 
very wisely considering that a case of great 
adventure and hazard should not be pursued 
unto its utmost period, and that it becomes 
all cavaliers modestly to use their good for- 
tune without troubling or stretching it too far. 
Wherefore, getting to horse, he gave him the 
spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, 
and Prelingot with him. 

CHAPTER 36 

11 ow Gargantua demolished the Castle at the 
Ford of Vede, and how they passed the 
Ford 

As soon as he came, he related the estate and 
condition wherein they had found the enemy, 
and the stratagem which he alone had used 
against all their multitude, affirming that they 
were but rascally rogues, plunderers, thieves, 
and robbers, ignorant of all military disci- 
pline, and that they might boldly set forward 
unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell 
and strike them down like beasts. Then Gar- 
gantua mounted his great mare, accompanied 
as we have said before, and finding in his way 
a high and great tree, which commonly was 
called by the name of St. Martin's tree, be- 
cause heretofore St. Martin planted a pil- 
grim's staff there, which in tract of time grew 
to that height and greatness, said, This is that 
which I lacked: this tree shall serve me both 
for a staff and lance. With that he pulled it 
up easily, plucked off the boughs, and 
trimmed it at his pleasure. In the meantime 
his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was 
in such abundance, that it did overflow the 
country seven leagues, and all the piss of that 
urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford 
of Vede, wherewith the water was so swollen, 
that all the forces the enemy had there were 
with great horror drowned, except some who 
had taken the way on the left hand towards 
the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place 
of the wood of Vede, was informed by Eude- 



mon, that there was some remainder of the 
enemy within the castle, which to know, Gar- 
gantua cried out as loud as he was able. Are 
you there, or are you not there? If you be 
there, be there no more; and if you are not 
there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian 
gunner, whose charge was to attend the port- 
cullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at 
him, and hit him with that shot most furious- 
ly on the right temple of his head, yet did 
him no more hurt, than if he had but cast a 
prune or kernel of a wine-grape at him. What 
is this, said Gargantua; do you throw at us 
grape-kernels here? The vintage shall cost 
you dear; thinking indeed that the bullet had 
been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel. 

Those who were within the castle, being 
till then busy at the pillage, when they heard 
this noise, ran to the towers and fortresses, 
from whence they shot at him above nine 
thousand and five-and-twenty falcon-shot 
and harquebusades, aiming all at his head, 
and so thick did they shoot at him, that he 
cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies 
here are like to put out mine eyes; give me a 
branch of those willow-trees to drive them 
away, thinking that the bullets and stones 
shot out of the great ordnance had been but 
dun-flies. Ponocrates looked and saw that 
there were no other flies, but great shot which 
they had shot from the castle. Then was it 
that he rushed with his great tree against the 
castle, and with mighty blows overthrew both 
towers and fortresses, and laid all level with 
the ground, by which means all that were 
within were slain and broken in pieces. Going 
from thence, they came to the bridge at the 
mill, where they found all the ford covered 
with dead bodies so thick that they had 
choked up the mill, and stopped the current 
of its water, and these were those that were 
destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. 
There they were at a stand, consulting how 
they might pass without hindrance by these 
dead carcasses. But Gymnast said, if the dev- 
ils have passed there, I will pass well enough. 
The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, 
to carry away the damned souls. By St. Rhe- 
nian! said Ponocrates, then by necessary con- 
sequence he shall pass there. Yes, yes, said 
Gymnast, or I shall stick in the way. Then, 
setting spurs to his horse, he passed through 
freely, his horse not fearing, nor being any 
thing affrighted at the sight of the dead bod- 
ies; for he had accustomed him, according to 
the doctrine of yElian, not to fear armour, nor 



44 



RABELAIS 



the carcasses of dead men; and that not by 
killing men as Diomedes did the Thracians, 
or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of 
his enemies at his horse's feet, as Homer saith, 
but by putting a Jack a-lent amongst his hay, 
and making him go over it ordinarily, when 
he gave him his oats. The other three fol- 
lowed him very close, except Eudemon only, 
whose horse's ioreright or far forefoot sank 
up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat 
chuff, who lay there upon his back drowned, 
and could not get it out. There was he pes- 
tered, until Gargantua, with the end of his 
staff, thrust down the rest of the villain's 
tripes into the water, whilst the horse pulled 
out his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing 
in hippiatrie, the said horse was thoroughly 
cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot, 
by this touch of the burst guts of that great 
looby. 

CHAPTER 37 

How Gargantua, in combing Jiis Head, made 
the great Cannon Balls fall out of Ids Hair 

BEING come out of the river of Vede, they 
came very shortly after to Grangousier's cas- 
tle, who waited for them with great longing. 
At their coming they were entertained with 
many congies, and cherished with embraces. 
Never was seen a more joyful company, for 
Snpplementnm Supplemenli Chronicorum 43 
saith, that Gargamelle died there with joy; 
for my part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I 
care very much for her, nor for any body else. 
The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his 
clothes, and combing his head with a comb, 
which was nine hundred feet long of the Jew- 
ish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were 
great tusks of elephants, whole and entire, he 
made fall at every rake about seven balls of 
bullets, at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his 
hair, at the razing of the castle of the wood of 
Vede. Which his father Grangousier seeing, 
thought they had been lice, and said unto 
him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought 
us this far some short-winged hawks of the 
college of Montague? I did not mean that 
thou shoulclest reside there. Then answered 
Ponocrates, My sovereign lord, think not that 
I have placed him in that lousy college, which 
they call Montague; I had rather have put 
him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct In- 
nocent, so enormous is the cruelty and vil- 
lany that I have known there: for the galley- 
slaves are far better used amongst the Moors 



and Tartars, the murderers in the criminal 
dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house, 
than are the poor wretched students in the 
aforesaid college. And if I were King of Paris, 
the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, 
and burn both principal and regents, for suf- 
fering this inhumanity to be exercised before 
their eyes. Then, taking up one of these bul- 
lets, he said, These are cannon-shot, which 
your son Gargantua hath lately received by 
the treachery of your enemies, as he was pass- 
ing before the wood of Vede. 

But they have been so rewarded, that they 
are all destroyed in the ruin of the castle, as 
were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, 
and those whom the tower of Silohim slew, as 
it is written in the thirteenth of Luke. My 
opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the 
luck is on our side; for occasion hath all her 
hair on her forehead; when she is past, you 
may not recall her, she hath no tuft whereby 
you can lay hold on her, for she is bald in the 
hinder part of her head, and never returneth 
again. Truly, said Grangousier, it shall not be 
at this time; for I will make you a feast this 
night, and bid you welcome. 

This said, they made ready supper, and, of 
extraordinary, besides his daily fare, were 
roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and 
thirty calves, three score and three fat kids, 
four score and fifteen wethers, three hundred 
farrow pigs souced in sweet wine or musk, 
eleven score partridges, seven hundred snipes 
and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and 
Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as 
many pigeons, six hundred crammed hens, 
fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares 
and rabbits, three hundred and three buz- 
zards, and one thousand and seven hundred 
cockerels. For venison, they could not so sud- 
denly come by it, only eleven wild boars, 
which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eigh- 
teen fallow deer, which the Lord of Gra- 
mount bestowed; together with seven score 
pheasants, which were sent by the Lord of 
Essars; and some dozens of queests, cushats, 
ring-doves, and woodculvers; river fowl, teals, 
and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers, fran- 
colins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, 
tame ducks, shovelers, woodlanders, herons, 
moor hens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, 
flamans, which are phoenicopters, or crim- 
son-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles, turkeys, ar- 
bens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, 
and water-wagtails, with a great deal of 
cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and store of 



GARGANTUA 



45 



soup, pottages, and brewis with great vari- 
ety. Without doubt there was meat enough, 
and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, 
Hotchpot, and Bray ver- juice, Grangousier's 
cooks. Jenkin Trudg-apace and Clean-glass 
were very careful to fill them drink. 

CHAPTER 38 

How Gargantua did cat up six Pilgrims in a 
sallad 

THE story requireth, that we relate that 
which happened unto six pilgrims, who came 
from Sebastian near to Nantes: and who for 
shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy, 
had hid themselves in the garden upon the 
chichling peas, among the cabbages and let- 
tuces. Gargantua finding himself somewhat 
dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce 
to make him a sallad; and hearing that there 
were the greatest and fairest in the country, 
for they were as great as plum-trees, or as 
walnut-trees, he would go thither himself, 
and brought thence in his hand what he 
thought good, and withal carried away the 
six pilgrims, who were in so great fear, that 
they did not dare to speak nor cough. Wash- 
ing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the 
pilgrims said one to another softly, What shall 
we do? We are almost drowned here amongst 
these lettuce, shall we speak? But if we speak 
he will kill us for spies. And, as they were 
thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put 
them with the lettuce into a platter of the 
house, as large as the huge tun of the White 
Friars of the Cistertian order; which done, 
with oil, vinegar, and salt, he ate them up, 
to refresh himself a little before supper, and 
had already swallowed up five of the pil- 
grims, the sixth being in the platter, totally 
hid under a lettuce, except his bourbon or 
staff that appeared, and nothing else. Which 
Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I 
think that is the horn of a shell snail, do not 
eat it. Why not, said Gargantua, they are 
good all this month : which he no sooner said, 
but, drawing up the staff, and therewith tak- 
ing up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then 
drank a terrible draught of excellent white 
wine. The pilgrims, thus devoured, made 
shift to save themselves as well as they could, 
by drawing their bodies out of the reach of 
the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape 
from thinking they had been put in the low- 
est dungeon of a prison. And when Gargan- 
tua whiffed the great draught, they thought 



to have drowned in his mouth, and the flood 
of wine had almost carried them away into 
the gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless, skip- 
ping with their bourbons, as St. Michael's 
palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves 
from the danger of that inundation under the 
banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, 
groping or sounding the country with his 
staff, to try whether they were in safety or no, 
struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, 
and hit the mandibulary sinew or nerve of 
the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great 
pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that 
he felt. To ease himself therefore of his smart- 
ing ache, he called for his tooth-picker, and 
rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, where 
they lay skulking, unnestled you my gentle- 
men pilgrims. 

For he caught one by the legs, another by 
the scrip, another by the pocket, another by 
the scarf, another by the band of the breech- 
es, and the poor fellow that had hurt him 
with the bourbon, him he hooked to him by 
the codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did 
him a great deal of good, for it pierced unto 
him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which 
grievously tormented him ever since they 
were past Ancenis. The pilgrims thus dis- 
lodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty 
fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at 
the time when by Eudemon he was called to 
supper, for all was ready. I will go then, said 
he, and piss away my misfortune; which he 
did do in such a copious measure, that, the 
urine taking away the feet from the pilgrims, 
they were carried along with the stream unto 
the bank of a tuft of trees. Upon which, as 
soon as they had taken footing, and that for 
their self-preservation they had run a little 
out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, 
except Fourniller, into a trap that had been 
made to take wolves by a train, out of which, 
nevertheless, they escaped by the industry of 
the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares 
and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay 
all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto 
Coudray, where they were comforted in their 
miseries by the gracious words of one of their 
company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed 
them, that this adventure had been foretold 
by the Prophet David, in the Psalms. Quum 
exsurgerent homines in nos, fortd vivos deglu- 
tissent nos; when we were eaten in the sallad, 
with salt, oil, and vinegar. Quum irasceretur 
furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset 
nos; when he drank the great draught. Tor- 



46 



RABELAIS 



rentem pertransivit anima nostra; when the 
stream of his water carried us to the thicket. 
Forsitan pertransissct anima nostra aquam 
intolcrabilem; that is, the water of his urine, 
the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our 
ieet from us. Bcnedictus Dominus, (jni non 
dcdit nos in captioncm dcntibus corum. Ani- 
ma nostra sicut passer, erepta est de laqueo 
venantium; when we fell into the trap. La- 
qiteus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos lib- 
crati sumus. Adjutorium nostrum, &c. 49 

CHAPTER 39 

How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, 
and of the jovial discourse they had at 
supper 

WHEN Gargantua was set down at table, after 
all of them had somewhat stayed their stom- 
achs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten 
heartily, Grangousier began to relate the 
source and cause of the war, raised between 
him and Picrochole; and came to tell, how 
Friar John of the Funnels had triumphed at 
the defence of the close of the abbey, and ex- 
tolled him for his valour above Camillus, Sci- 
pio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then 
Gargantua desired that he might be presently 
sent for, to the end that with him they might 
consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, 
by a joint consent, his steward went for him, 
and brought him along merrily, with his staff 
of the cross, upon Grangousier's mule. When 
he was come, a thousand huggings, a thou- 
sand embracements, a thousand good days 
were given. Ha, Friar John, my friend, Friar 
John, my brave cousin, Friar John from the 
devil! Let me clip thee, my heart, about the 
neck; to me an armsful. I must gripe thee, 
my ballock, till thy back crack with it. Come, 
my cod, let me coll thee till I kill thee. And 
Friar John, the gladdest man in the world, 
never was man made welcomer, never was 
any more courteously and graciously received 
than Friar John. Come, come, said Gargan- 
tua, a stool here close by me at this end. I am 
content, said the monk, seeing you will have 
it so. Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill, it is 
to refresh my liver. Give me some, child, to 
gargle my throat withal. Deposita cappa, 
said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Ho, 
by G , gentlemen, said the monk, there is a 
cnapter in Statutis Ordinis, 51 which opposeth 
my laying of it down. Pish! said Gymnast, a 
fig for your chapter! This frock breaks both 
your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the 



monk, let me alone with it; for, by G , I'll 
drink the better that it is on. It makes all my 
body jocund. If I should lay it aside, the wag- 
gish pages would cut to themselves garters 
out of it as I was once served at Coulaines. 
And, which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. 
But if in this habit I sit down at table, I will 
drink, by G , both to thee and to thy horse, 
and so, courage, frolic, God save the com- 
pany! I have already supped, yet will I eat 
never a whit the less for that: for I have a 
paved stomach, as hollow as a butt of mal- 
vasie, or St. Benedictus' boot, and always 
open like a lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes, but 
the tench, take the wing of a partridge, or the 
thigh of a nun. Doth not he die like a good 
fellow that dies with a stiff catso? Our prior 
loves exceedingly the white of a capon. In 
that, said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the 
foxes: for of the capons, hens, and pullets, 
which they carry away, they never eat the 
white. Why, said the monk? Because, said 
Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; 
and, if they be not competently made ready, 
they remain red and not white; the redness of 
meats being a token that they have not got 
enough of the fire, whether by boiling, roast- 
ing, or otherwise, except shrimps, lobsters, 
crabs, and cray-fishes, which are cardinalised 
with boiling. By God's feast gazers, said the 
monk, the porter of our abbey, then, hath not 
his head well boiled, for his eyes are as red as 
a mazer made of an alder-tree. The thigh of 
this leveret is good for those that have the 
gout. To the purpose of the trowel, what is 
the reason, that the thighs of a gentlewoman 
are always fresh and cool? This problem, said 
Gargantua, is neither in Aristotle, in Alexan- 
der Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are 
three causes, said the monk, by which that 
place is naturally refreshed. Primo, because 
the water runs all along it. Secundo, because 
it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon 
which the sun never shines. And thirdly, be- 
cause it is continually flabbelled, blown upon 
and aired by the northwinds of the hole ars- 
tic, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the 
codpiece. And lusty, my lads. Some bousing 
liquor, Page! So! crack, crack, crack, O how 
good is God, that gives us of this excellent 
juice! I call him to witness, if I had been in 
the time of Jesus Christ, I would have kept 
him from being taken by the Jews in the gar- 
den of Olivet. And the devil fail me, if I 
should have failed to cut off the hams of those 
gentlemen Apostles, who ran away so basely 



GARGANTUA 



47 



after they had well supped, and left their 
good master in the lurch. I hate that man 
worse than poison that offers to run away, 
when he should fight and lay stoutly about 
him. Oh that I were but King of France for 
fourscore or a hundred years! By G , I 
should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways 
of Pavia. A plague take them, why did they 
not choose rather to die there, than to leave 
their good prince in that pinch and necessity? 
Is it not better and more honourable to perish 
in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace 
by a cowardly running away? We are like to 
eat no great store of goslings this year, there- 
fore, friend, reach me some of that roasted 
pig there. 

Diavolo, is there no more must? No more 
sweet wine? Germinavit radix Jesse. 52 Je re- 
nie ma vie, f enrage de soif; 1 renounce my 
life I rage for thirst. This wine is none of the 
worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I give 
myself to the devil, if I did not once keep 
open house at Paris for all comers six months 
together. Do you know Frair Claud of the 
High Kilderkins? Oh the good fellow that he 
is! But I do not know what fly hath stung him 
of late, he is become so hard a student. For 
my part, I study not at all. In our abbey we 
never study for fear of the mumps, which dis- 
ease in horses is called the mourning in the 
chine. Our late abbot was wont to say, that it 
is a monstrous thing to sec a learned monk. 
By G , master, my friend. Magis magnos 
clericos non stint magis magnos sapientes. 
You never saw so many hares as there are 
this year. I could not any where come by a 
goss-hawk, nor tassel of falcon. My Lord Bel- 
loniere promised me a lanner, but he wrote to 
me not long ago, that he was become pursy. 
The partridges will so multiply henceforth, 
that they will go near to eat up our ears. I 
take no delight in the stalking-horse; for I 
catch such cold, that I am like to founder my- 
self at that sport. If I do not run, toil, travel, 
and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it 
is, that in leaping over the hedges and bushes, 
my frock leaves always some of its wool be- 
hind it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; 
I give him to the devil, if he suffer a hare to 
escape him. A groom was leading him to my 
Lord Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him. 
Did I ill? No, Friar John, said Gymnast, no, 
by all the devils that are, no! So, said the 
monk, do I attest these same devils so long as 
they last, or rather, virtue G , what could 
that gouty limpard have done with so fine a 



dog? By the body of G , he is better pleased, 
when one presents him with a good yoke of 
oxen. How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, 
Friar John; it is only said the monk, but to 
grace and adorn my speech. They are colours 
of a Ciceronian rhetoric. 

CHAPTER 40 

Why Monks are the outcasts of the World; 
and wherefore some have bigger Noses 
than others 

BY the faith of a Christian, said Eudeinon, I 
do wonderfully dote, and enter in a great ec- 
stasy, when I consider the honesty and good 
fellowship of this monk; for he makes us here 
all merry. How is it, then, that they exclude 
the monks from all good companies, calling 
them fcast-troublers, marrers of mirth, and 
disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees 
drive away the drones from their hives? Igna- 
vitm fucos pecus, said Maro, a prsesepibus 
arcent. Hereunto, answered Gargantua, 
there is nothing so true, as that the frock and 
cowl draw to them the opprobries, injuries, 
and maledictions of the world, just as the 
wind called Cecias, attracts the clouds. The 
peremptory reason is, because they eat the 
ordure and excrements of the world, that is to 
say the sins of the people, and, like dung- 
chewers, and excrementitious eaters, they are 
cast into the privies and secessive places, that 
is, the convents and abbeys, separated from 
political conversation, as the jakes and re- 
treats of a house are. But if you conceive, how 
an ape in a family is always mocked, and pro- 
vokingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend 
how monks are shunned of all men, both 
young and old. The ape keeps not the house 
as a clog doth; he draws not in the plough as 
the ox; he yields neither milk nor wool as the 
sheep; he carrieth no burthen as a horse doth. 
That which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil, 
and defile all, which is the cause wherefore 
he hath of men mocks, frumperies and bas- 
tonadoes. 

After the same manner a monk; I mean 
those lither, idle, lazy monks, doth not labour 
and work, as do the peasant and artificer; 
doth not ward and defend the country, as 
doth the man-of-war; cureth not the sick and 
diseased, as the physician doth; cloth neither 
preach nor teach, as do the Evangelical doc- 
tors and school-masters; doth not import com- 
modities and things necessary for the com- 
monwealth, as the merchant doth. Therefore 



48 



RABELAIS 



is it, that by and of all men they are hooted 
at, hated and abhorred. Yea, but, said Gran- 
gousier, they pray to God for us. Nothing 
less, answered Cargantua. True it is, that 
with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they 
trouble and disquiet all their neighbours 
about them. Right, said the monk; a mass, a 
matin, a vesper well rung is half said. They 
mumble out great store of legends and 
psalms, by them not at all understood: they 
say many Pater-N osiers, interlarded with 
Ave-Maries, without thinking upon, or ap- 
prehending the meaning of what it is they 
say, which truly I call mocking of God, and 
not prayers. But so help them God, as they 
pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose 
their victuals, their manchets, and good fat 
pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and 
conditions, in all places, and at all times, send 
up their prayers to God, and the Mediator 
prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is 
gracious to them. Now such a one is our good 
Friar John, therefore every man desireth to 
have him in his company. He is no bigot or 
hypocrite, he is not torn and divided betwixt 
reality and appearance, no wretch of a rug- 
ged and peevish disposition, but honest, jo- 
vial, resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, 
he labours, he defends the oppressed, com- 
forts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps 
the close of the abbey. Nay, said the monk, I 
do a great deal more than that; for, whilst we 
are despatching our matins and anniversaries 
in the quire, I make withal some cross-bow 
strings, polish glass-bottles and bolts; I twist 
lines and weave purse nets, wherein to catch 
coneys. I am never idle. But now, hither 
come, some drink, some drink here! Bring the 
fruit. These chesnuts are of the wood of Es- 
trox, and with good new wine are able to 
make you a fine cracker and composer of 
bum-sonnets. You are not as yet, it seems, 
well-moistened in this house with the sweet 
wine and must. By G , I drink to all men 
freely, and at all fords like a proctor, or pro- 
moter's horse. Friar John, said Gymnast, take 
away the snot that hangs at your nose. Ha, 
ha, said the monk, am not I in danger of 
drowning, seeing I am in water even to the 
nose? No, no, Quare? Quid,* 5 though some 
water come out from thence, there never goes 
in any; for it is well antidoted with pot-proof 
armour, and sirrup of the vine-leaf. 

O my friend, he that hath winter-boots 
made of such leather may boldly fish for oys- 
ters, for they will never take water. What is 



the cause, said Cargantua, that Friar John 
hath such a fair nose? Because, said Grangou- 
sier, that God would have it so, who frameth 
us in such form, and for such end, as is most 
agreeable with his divine will, even as a pot- 
ter fashioneth his vessels. Because, said Ponoc- 
rates, he came with the first to the fair of 
noses, and therefore made choice of the fair- 
est and the greatest. Pish, said the monk, that 
is not the reason of it, but, according to the 
true monastical philosophy, it is because my 
nurse had soft teats, by virtue whereof , whilst 
she gave suck, my nose did sink in as in so 
much butter. The hard breasts of nurses make 
children short-nosed. But hey, gay, Ad for- 
mam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I never 
eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the 
bibbery. Item, bring me rather some toasts. 

CHAPTER 41 

How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of 
his hours and breviaries 

SUPPER being ended, they consulted of the 
business in hand, and concluded that about 
midnight they should fall unawares upon the 
enemy, to know what manner of watch and 
ward they kept, and that in the mean while 
they should take a little rest, the better to re- 
fresh themselves. But Gargantua could not 
sleep by any means, on which side soever he 
turned himself. Whereupon the monk said to 
him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at 
sermon or prayers. Let us therefore begin, 
you and I, the seven penitential psalms, to 
try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. 
The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, 
and, beginning the first of these psalms, as 
soon as they came to the words, Beati quor- 
um, they fell asleep both the one and the oth- 
er. But the monk, for his being formerly ac- 
customed to the hour of claustral matins, 
failed not to awake a little before midnight, 
and being up himself, awaked all the rest, in 
singing aloud, and with a full clear voice, the 
song, 

Awake, O Reinian, Ho, awake! 

Awake, O Reinian, Ho! 
Get up, you no more sleep must take, 

Get up, for we must go. 

When they were all roused and up, he 
said, My masters, it is a usual saying, that we 
begin matins with coughing, and supper with 
drinking. Let us now, in doing clean contrar- 



GARGANTUA 



49 



ily, begin our matins with drinking, and at 
night before supper we shall cough as hard 
as we can. What, said Gargantua, to drink so 
soon after sleep? This is not to live according 
to the diet and prescript rule of the physici- 
ans, for you ought first to scour and cleanse 
your stomach of all its superfluities and excre- 
ments. O well physicked, said the monk; a 
hundred devils leap into my body, if there 
be not more old drunkards than old physici- 
ans! I have made this paction and covenant 
with my appetite, that it always lieth down, 
and goes to bed with myself, for to that I ev- 
ery day give very good order, then the next 
morning it also riseth with me, and gets up 
when I am awake. Mind you your charges, 
gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you 
will. I will get me to my drawer, in terms of 
falconry, my tiring. What drawer or tiring do 
you mean, said Gargantua? My breviary, said 
the monk, for just as the falconers, before 
they feed their hawks, do make them draw at 
a hen's leg, to purge their brains of phlegm, 
and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by 
taking this merry little breviary in the morn- 
ing, I scour all my lungs, and am presently 
ready to drink. 

After what manner, said Gargantua, do 
you say these fair hours and prayers of yours? 
After the manner of Whipfield, said the 
monk, by three psalms, and three lessons, or 
nothing at all, he that will. I never tie myself 
to hours, prayers, and sacraments: for they 
are made for the man, and not the man for 
them. Therefore is it, that I make my prayers 
in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or 
lengthen them when I think good. Brevis ora- 
tlo penctrat ccvlos et longa potatio cvacuat 
scyphos.^ 7 Where is that written? By my faith, 
saith Ponocratcs, I cannot tell, my pillicock, 
but thou art more worth than gold. Therein, 
said the monk, I am like you: but, venite, 
apotemus Then made they ready store of 
carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and 
good fat soups, or brewis with sippets; and 
the monk drank what he pleased. Some kept 
him company, and the rest did forbear, for 
their stomachs were not as yet opened. After- 
wards every man began to arm and befit him- 
self for the field. And they armed the monk 
against his will; for he desired no other ar- 
mour for back and breast, but his frock, nor 
any other weapon in his hand, but the staff of 
the cross. Yet at their pleasure was he com- 
pletely armed cap-a-pie, and mounted upon 
one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a 



good slashing shable by his side, together 
with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eude- 
mon, and five and twenty more of the most 
resolute and adventurous of Grangousier's 
house, all armed at proof with their lances in 
their hands, mounted like St. George, and ev- 
ery one of them having a harquebusier be- 
hind him. 

CHAPTER 42 

How the Monk encouraged his fellow-cham- 
pions, and how he hanged upon a irce 

THUS went out those valiant champions on 
their adventure, in full resolution to know 
what enterprise they should undcitake, and 
what to take heed of, and look well to, in the 
day of the great and horrible battle. And the 
monk encouraged them, saying, My children, 
do not fear nor doubt, 1 will conduct you 
safely. God and Sanct Benedict be with us! If 
I had strength answerable to my courage, 
by's death, I would plume them for you like 
clucks. I fear nothing but the great ordnance; 
yet I know of a charm by way of prayer, 
which the sub-sexton of our abbey taught me, 
that will preserve a man from the violence of 
guns, and all manner of fire-weapons and en- 
gines; but it will do me no good, because I 
do not believe it. Nevertheless, I hope my 
staif of the cross shall this day play devilisn 
pranks amongst them. By G , whoever of 
our paity shall offer to play the duck, and 
shrink when blows are a dealing, I give my- 
self to the devil, if I do not make a monk of 
him in my stead, and hamper him within my 
frock, which is a sovereign cure against cow- 
ardice. Did you never hear of my Lord Menr- 
les's greyhound, which was not worth a straw 
in the fields? He put a frock about his neck: 
by the body of G , there was neither hare 
nor fox that could escape him, and, which is 
more, he lined all the bitches in the country, 
though before that he was feeble-reined, and 
de frigidis et maleficiatis. 

The monk uttering these words in choler, 
as he passed under a walnut-tree, in his way 
towards the causey, he broached the vizor of 
his helmet on the stump of a great branch of 
the said tree. Nevertheless, he set his spurs so 
fiercely to the horse, who was full of metal, 
and quick on the spur, that he bounded for- 
wards, and the monk, going about to ungrap- 
ple his vizor, let go his hold of the bridle, and 
so hanged by his hand upon the bough, 
whilst his horse stole away from under him. 



50 



RABELAIS 



By this means was the monk left, hanging on 
the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, 
murder, swearing also that he was betrayed. 
Eudemon perceived him first, and calling 
Garganlua said, Sir, come and see Absalom 
hanging. Gargantua being come, considered 
the countenance of the monk, and in what 
posture he hanged; wherefore he said to 
Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing 
him to Absalom; for Absalom hung by his 
hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by the 
ears. Help me, said the monk, in the devil's 
name, is this a time for you to prate? You 
seem to me to be like the decretatist preach- 
ers, who say, that whosoever shall see his 
neighbour in the danger of death, ought, 
upon pain of trisulk excommunication, rather 
choose to admonish him to make his confes- 
sion to a priest, and put his conscience in the 
state of peace, than otherwise to help and re- 
lieve him. 

And therefore when I shall see them fallen 
into a river, and ready to be drowned, I shall 
make them a fair long sermon, de contemptu 
mnndi, et juga seculi; 60 and when they are 
stark dead, shall then go to their aid and suc- 
cour in fishing after them. Be quiet, said 
Gymnast, and stir not, my minion. I am now 
coming to unhang thee, and to set thee at 
freedom, for thou art a pretty little gentle 
monachus. Monaclms in claustro non valet 
ova duo; sed quando est extra bene valet trig- 
mte. 61 I have seen above five hundred 
hanged, but I never saw any have a better 
countenance in his dangling and pendilatory 
swagging. Truly, if I had so good a one, I 
would willingly hang thus all my lifetime. 
What said the monk, have you almost done 
preaching? Help me, in the name of God, see- 
ing you will not in the name of the other spir- 
it, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall re- 
pent it, tempore et loco praelibatis. 

Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, 
and, climbing up the walnut-tree, lifted up 
the monk with one hand by the gussets of his 
armour under the arm-pits, and with the oth- 
er undid his vizor from the stump of the brok- 
en branch, which done, he let him fall to the 
ground and himself after. As soon as the 
monk was down, he put off all his armour, 
and threw away one piece after another about 
the field, and, taking to him again his staff of 
the cross, remounted up to his horse, which 
Eudemon had caught in his running away. 
Then went they on merrily, riding along on 
the high way. 



CHAPTER 43 



How the Scouts and Fore-Party of Picrochole 
were met witli by Gargantua, and how the 
Monk slew Captain Draw-forth and then 
was taken Prisoner by his Enemies 

PICROCHOLE, at the relation of those who had 
escaped out of the broil and defeat, wherein 
Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that 
the devils should have so run upon his men, 
and held all that night a counsel of war, at 
which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded 
his power to be such, that he was able to de- 
feat all the devils of hell, if they should come 
to jostle with his forces. This Picrochole did 
not fully believe, though he doubted not 
much of it. Therefore sent he under the com- 
mand and conduct of the Count Draw-forth, 
for discovering of the country, the number of 
sixteen horsemen, all well mounted upon light 
horses for skirmish, and thoroughly besprin- 
kled with holy water; and every one for their 
field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a 
star in his scarf, to serve at all adventures, in 
case they should happen to encounter with 
devils; that by the virtue, as well of that 
Gregorian water, as of the stoles which they 
wore, they might make them disappear and 
vanish. 

In this equipage they made an excursion 
upon the country, till they came near to the 
Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guy on, and 
to the Hospital, but could never find any body 
to speak unto; whereupon they returned a lit- 
tle back, and took occasion to pass above the 
aforesaid Hospital, to try what intelligence 
they could come by in those parts. In which 
resolution riding on, and by chance in a pas- 
toral lodge, or shepherd's cottage near to 
Coudray, hitting upon the six pilgrims, they 
carried them way-bound and manacled, as if 
they had been spies, for all the exclamations, 
adjurations, and requests that they could 
make. Being come down from thence towards 
Seville^ they were heard by Gargantua, who 
said then unto those that were with him, 
Comrades and fellow soldiers, we have here 
met with an encounter, and they are ten 
times in number more than we. Shall we 
charge them or no? What a devil, said the 
monk, shall we do else? Do you esteem men 
by their number, rather than by their valour 
and prowess? With this he cried out, Charge, 
devils, charge! Which when the enemies 
heard, they thought certainly that they had 
been very devils, and therefore even then be- 



GARGANTUA 



51 



gan all of them to run away as hard as they 
could drive, Draw-forth only excepted, who 
immediately settled his lanee on its rest, and 
therewith hit the monk with all his force on 
the very middle of his breast, but, corning 
against his horrific frock, the point of the 
iron, being with the blow either broke off or 
blunted, it was in matter of execution, as if 
you had struck against an anvil with a little 
wax-candle. 

Then did the monk, with his staff of the 
cross, give him such a sturdy thump and 
whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon 
the acromion bone, that he made him lose 
both sense and motion, and fall down stone 
dead at his horse's feet; and, seeing the sign 
of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said 
unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, 
which is but the beginning of a monk; by St. 
John, 1 am a perfect monk, I will kill them to 
you like flies. Then ran he after them at a 
swift and full gallop, till he overtook the rear, 
and felled them down like tree-leaves, strik- 
ing athwart and along and every way. Gym- 
nast presently asked Gargantua if they should 
pursue them? To whom Gargantua an- 
swered, By no means; for, according to right 
military discipline, you must never drive your 
enemy unto despair, for that such a strait 
doth multiply his force, and increase his cour- 
age, which was before broken and cast down; 
neither is there any better help, or out gate of 
relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, 
toiled, and spent, than to hope for no favour 
at all. How many victories have been taken 
out of the hands of the victors by the van- 
quished, when they would riot rest satisfied 
with reason, but attempt to put all to the 
sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, 
without leaving so much as one to carry home 
news of the defeat oi his fellows. Open, there- 
fore, unto your enemies all the gates and 
ways, and make to them a bridge of silver 
rather than fail, that you may be rid of them. 
Yea, but, said Gymnast, they have the monk. 
Have they the monk? said Gargantua. Upon 
mine honour then it will prove to their cost. 
But to prevent dangers, let us not yet retreat, 
but halt here quietly, as in an ambush; for I 
think I do already understand the policy and 
judgment of our enemies. They are truly 
more directed by chance and mere fortune, 
than by good advice and counsel. In the 
mean while, whilst these made a stop under 
the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the 
chase, charging all he overtook, and giving 



quarter to none, until he met with a trooper, 
who carried behind him one of the poor pil- 
grims, and there would have rifled him. The 
pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the 
monk, cried out, Ha, my Lord Prior, my good 
hicnd, my Lord Prior, save me, I beseech 
you, save me! Which words being heard by 
those that rode in the van, they instantly 
faced about, and seeing there was nobody 
but the monk that made this great havoc and 
slaughter among them, they loaded him with 
blows as thick as they use to do an ass with 
wood. But of all this he felt nothing, especial- 
ly when they struck upon his frock, his skin 
was so hard. Then they committed him to 
two of the marshal's men to keep, and, look- 
ing about, saw nobody coming against them, 
whereupon they thought that Gargantua and 
his party were fled. Then was it that they 
rode as hard as they could towards the wal- 
nut-trees to meet with them, and left the 
monk there all alone, with his two foresaid 
men to guard him. Gargantua heard the 
noise and neighing of the horses, and said to 
his men, Comrades, I hear the track and beat- 
ing of the enemy's horsefeet, and withal per- 
ceive that some of them come in a troop and 
full body against us. Let us rally and close 
here, then set forwaid in order, and by this 
means we shall be able to receive their 
charge, to their loss and our honour. 

CHAPTER 44 

How the Monk rid himself of Jiis Keepers, 
and how Picrocholc's Forlorn Hope was 
defeated 

THE monk, seeing them break off thus with- 
out order, conjectured that they were to set 
upon Gargantua and those that were with 
him, and was wondei fully grieved that he 
could not succour them. Then considered he 
the countenance of the two keepers in whose 
custody he was, who would have willingly 
run after the troops to gel some booty and 
plunder, and were always looking towards 
the valley unto which they were going. Far- 
ther, he syllogized, saying, These men are 
but badly skilled in matters of war, for they 
have not required my parole, neither have 
they taken my sword from me. Suddenly 
hereupon he drew his brackmard or horse- 
man's sword, wherewith he gave the keeper 
which held him on the right side, such a 
sound slash, that he cut clean through the 
jugular veins, and the sphagitid or transparent 



52 



RABELAIS 



arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the 
throat called the gargareon, even unto the 
two adenes, which are throat-kernels; and, 
redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal 
marrow betwixt the second and third verte- 
brae. There fell down that keeper stark dead 
to the ground. Then the monk, reining his 
horse to the left, ran upon the other, who, 
seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have 
the advantage of him, cried with a loud voice, 
Ha, my Lord Prior, quarter, I yield, my Lord 
Prior, quarter, quarter, rny good friend, my 
Lord Prior. And the monk cried likewise, My 
Lord Posterior, my friend, my Lord Posterior, 
you shall have it upon your posteriornms. Ha, 
said the keeper, my Lord Prior, my minion, 
my gentle Lord Prior, I pray God make you 
an Abbot. By the habit, said the monk, which 
I wear, I will here make you a Cardinal. 
What! do you use to pay ransoms to religious 
men? You shall therefore have by and by a 
red hat of my giving. And the fellow cried, 
Ha, my Lord Prior, my Lord Prior, my Lord 
Abbot that shall be, my Lord Cardinal, rny 
Lord all! Ha, ha, hes, no my Lord Prior, my 
good little Lord the Prior, I yield, render and 
deliver myself up to you. And I deliver thce, 
said the monk, to all the devils in hell. Then 
at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his 
scalp upon the temple-bones, and lifting up 
in the upper part of the skull the two triangu- 
lary bones called sincipital, or the two bones 
bregmatis, together with the sagittal commis- 
sure or dart-like seam which distinguisheth 
the right side of the head from the left, as also 
a great part of the coronal or fore-head bone, 
by which terrible blow likewise he cut the 
two meninges or films which enwrap the 
brain, and made a deep wound in the brain's 
two posterior ventricles, and the cranium or 
skull abode hanging upon his shoulders by 
the skin of the pericranium behind, in form 
of a doctor's bonnet, black without and red 
within. Thus fell he down also to the ground 
stark dead. 

And presently the monk gave his horse the 
spur, and kept the way that the enemy held, 
who had met with Gargantua and his com- 
panions in the broad highway, and were so 
diminished of their number, for the enormous 
slaughter that Gargantua had made with his 
great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, 
Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they 
began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, 
as men altogether affrighted and troubled in 
both sense and understanding; and, as if they 



had seen the very proper species and form of 
death before their eyes; or rather, as when 
you see an ass with a brizze or gadbee under 
his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and 
thither without keeping any path or way, 
throwing down his load to the ground, break- 
ing his bridle and reins, and taking no breath 
nor rest, and no man can tell what ails him, 
for they see not anything touch him. So fled 
these people destitute of wit, without know- 
ing any cause of flying, only pursued by a 
panic terror, which in their minds they had 
conceived. The monk, perceiving that their 
whole intent was to betake themselves to 
their heels, alighted from his horse, and got 
upon a big large rock, which was in the way, 
arid with his great brackmard sword laid such 
load upon those runaways, and with main 
strength fetching a compass with his arm 
without feigning or sparing, slew and over- 
threw so many, that his sword broke in two 
pieces. Then thought he within himself that 
he had slain and killed sufficiently, and that 
the rest should escape to carry news. There- 
fore, he took up a battle axe of those that lay 
there dead, arid got upon the rock again, 
passing his time to see the enemy thus flying, 
and to tumble himself amongst the dead bod- 
ies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, 
sword, lance, nor gun with him, and those 
who carried the pilgrims bound he made to 
alight, and gave their horses unto the said pil- 
grims, keeping them there with him under 
the hedge, and also Touchfaucet, who was 
then his prisoner. 

CHAPTER 45 

How the Monk carried along with him the 
Pilgrims, and of the good words that Gran- 
gousier gave them 

THIS skirmish being ended, Gargantua re- 
treated with his men, excepting the monk, 
and about the dawning of the clay they came 
unto Grangousier, who in his bed was pray- 
ing unto Gocl for their safety and victory. And 
seeing them all safe and sound, he embraced 
them lovingly, and asked what was become 
of the monk? Gargantua answered him, that 
without doubt the enemies had the monk. 
Then have they mischief and ill luck, said 
Grangousier, which was very true. Therefore 
is it a common proverb to this day, to give a 
man the monk, or as in French, luij bailler le 
moijne, when they would express the doing 
unto one a mischief. Then commanded he a 



GARGANTUA 



53 



good breakfast to be provided for their re- 
freshment. When all was ready, they called 
Gargantua, but he was so aggrieved that the 
monk was not to be heard of, that he would 
neither eat nor drink. In the meanwhile, the 
monk comes, and from the gate of the outer 
court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine. 
Gymnast my friend! Gymnast went out and 
saw that it was Friar John, who brought 
along with him six pilgrims and Touchfaucet 
prisoners; whereupon Gargantua likewise 
went forth to meet him, and all of them made 
him the best welcome that possibly they 
could, and brought him before Grangousier, 
who asked him of all his adventures. The 
monk told him all, both how he was taken, 
how he rid himself of his keepers, of the 
slaughter he had made by the way, and how 
he had rescued the pilgrims, and brought 
along with him Captain Touchfaucet. Then 
did they altogether fall to banqueting most 
merrily. In the meantime Grangousier asked 
the pilgrims what countrymen they were, 
whence they came, and whither they went? 
Sweer-to-go in the name of the rest answered, 
My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in 
Berry, this man is of Palau, this other is of 
Onzay, this of Argy, this of St. Nazarand, and 
this man of Villebrenin. We come from St. 
Sebastian near Nantes, and are now return- 
ing, as we best may, by easy journeys. Yea, 
but said Grangousier, what went you to do at 
Saint Sebastian? We went, said Sweer-to-go, 
to offer up unto that Sanct our vows against 
the plague. Ah, poor men, said Grangousier, 
do you thing that the plague comes from St. 
Sebastian? Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, 
our preachers tell us so indeed. But it is so, 
said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach 
you such abuses. Do they thus blaspheme the 
Sancts and holy men of God, as to make them 
like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt 
unto mankind, as Homer writeth, that the 
plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks 
by Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rab- 
ble of Vejoves and mischievous gods. So did 
a certain Cafard or dissembling religionary 
preach at Sinay, that Saint Antony sent the 
fire into men's legs, that St. Eutropius made 
men hydropic, St. Gilclas, fools, and that St. 
Genou made them goutish. But I punished 
him so exemplarily, though he called me 
heretic for it, that since that time no such 
hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within 
my territories. And truly I wonder that your 
king should suffer them in their sermons to 



publish such scandalous doctrine in his do- 
minions; for they deserve to be chastised with 
greater severity than those who, by magical 
art, or any other device, have brought the 
pestilence into a country. The pest killeth but 
the bodies, but such abominable impostors 
empoison our very souls. As he spoke these 
words, in came the monk very resolute, and 
asked them, whence are you, you poor 
wretches? Of Saint Genou, said they. And 
how, said the monk, does the Abbot Gulligut 
the good drinker, and the monks, what cheer 
make they? By G body, they'll have a fling 
at your wives, and breast them to some pur- 
pose, whilst you are upon your roaming rant 
and gadding pilgrimage. Hin, hen, said 
Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid of mine, for he 
that shall see her by day will never break his 
neck to come to her in the night-time. Yea, 
marry, said the monk, now you have hit it. 
Let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, 
she will once, by the Lord G -, be overturned, 
and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell 
any monks near to her; for a good carpenter 
will make use of any kind of timber. Let me 
be peppered with the pox, if you find not all 
your wives with child at your return; for the 
very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is 
fruitful. It is, said Gargantua, like the water 
of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and 
Pliny, lib. 7, cap. 3, What virtue will there 
be, then, said the monk, in their bullets of 
concupiscence, their habits, and their bodies? 
Then said Grangousier, Go your ways poor 
men, in the name of God the Creator, to 
whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and 
henceforward be not so ready to undertake 
these idle and unprofitable journeys. Look to 
your families, labour every man in his voca- 
tion, instruct your children, and live as the 
good Apostle St. Paul clirccteth you: in doing 
whereof, God, his angels and sancts, will 
guard and protect you, and no evil or plague 
at any time shall befal you. Then Gargantua 
led them into the hall to take their refection; 
but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and 
said to Gargantua, () how happy is that land 
which hath such a man for their lord! We 
have been more edified and instructed by the 
talk which he had with us, than by all the 
sermons that ever were preached in our town. 
This is, said Gargantua, that which Plato 
saith, lib. 5, DC Republ, That those common- 
wealths are happy, whose rulers philosophise, 
and whose philosophers rule. Then caused he 
their wallets to be filled with victuals, and 



54 



RABELAIS 



their bottles with wine, and gave unto each 
of them a horse to ease them upon the way, 
together with some pence to live by. 

CHAPTER 46 

How Grangousier did very kindly entertain 

Touchfaucet his Prisoner 
TOUCHFAUCET was presented unto Grangou- 
sier, and by him examined upon the enter- 
prise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was 
he could pretend to, or aim at, by the rustling 
stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden in- 
vasion. Whereunto he answered, that his end 
and purpose was to conquer all the country, 
if he could, for the injury done to his cake- 
bakers. It is too great an undertaking, said 
Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He that 
gripes too much, holds fast but little. The 
time is not now as formerly, to conquer the 
kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to 
build up our own greatness upon the loss of 
our nearest Christian brother. This imitation 
of the ancient Ilerculeses, Alexanders, Han- 
nibals, Scipios, Caesars, and other such he- 
rocs, is quite contrary to the profession of the 
gospel of Christ, by which we are command- 
ed to preserve, keep, rule, and govern every 
man his own countiy and lands, and not in a 
hostile manner to invade others; and that 
which heretofore the Barbarians and Sara- 
cens called prowess and valour, we now call 
robbing, thievery, and wickedness. It would 
have been more commendable in him to have 
contained himself within the bounds of his 
own territories, royally governing them, than 
to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and 
plundering every where like a most unmerci- 
ful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discre- 
tion, he might have increased his greatness, 
but by robbing me, he cannot escape destruc- 
tion. Go your ways in the name of God, pros- 
ecute good enterprises, show your king what 
is amiss, and never counsel him with regard 
unto your own particular profit, for the public 
loss will swallow up the private benefit. As 
for your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, 
and will that your arms and horse be restored 
to you; so should good neighbours do, and 
ancient friends, seeing this our difference is 
not properly war. As Plato, lib. 5, De Repub. 
would not have it called war but sedition, 
when the Greeks took up arms against one 
another, and that, therefore, when such com- 
bustions should arise amongst them, his ad- 
vice was to behave themselves in the manag- 



ing of them with all discretion and modesty. 
Although you call it war, it is but superficial, 
it entereth not into the closet and inmost cab- 
inet of our hearts. For neither of us hath been 
wronged in his honour, nor is there any ques- 
tion betwixt us in the main, but only how to 
redress, by the by, some petty faults, commit- 
ted by our men, I mean, both yours and 
ours, which, although you knew, you ought 
to let pass; for these quarrelsome persons de- 
serve rather to be contemned than men- 
tioned, especially seeing I offered them satis- 
faction according to the wrong. God shall be 
the just judge of our variances, whom I be- 
seech, by death rather to take me out of this 
life, and to permit my goods to perish and be 
destroyed before mine eyes, than that by me 
or mine he should in any sort be wronged. 
These words uttered, he called the monk, and 
before them all thus spoke unto him. Friar 
John, my good friend, is it you that took pris- 
oner the Captain Touchfaucet here present? 
Sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and 
that he is of the years of discretion, I had 
rather you should know it by his confession 
than by any words of mine. Then said Touch- 
faucet, My sovereign lord, it is he indeed that 
took me, and I do therefore most freely yield 
myself his prisoner. Have you put him to any 
ransom? said Grangousier to the monk. No, 
said the monk, of that I take no care. How 
much would you have for having taken him? 
Nothing, nothing, said the monk, I am not 
swayed by that, nor do I regard it. Then 
Grangousier commanded that, in presence of 
Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the 
monk for taking him the sum of threescore 
and two thousand saluts, (in English money, 
fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds,) 
which was done, whilst they made a collation 
or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of 
whom Grangousier asked, If he would stay 
with him, or if he loved rather to return to his 
king? Touchfaucet answered, that he was 
content to take whatever course he would ad- 
vise him to. Then, said Grangousier, return 
unto your king, and God be with you. 

Then he gave him an excellent sword of 
a Vienne blade, with a golden scabbard 
wrought with vine branch-like flourishes, of 
fair goldsmith's work, and a collar or neck- 
chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and 
two thousand merks (at eight ounces each), 
garnished with precious stones of the finest 
sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thou- 
sand ducats, and ten thousand crowns more, 



GARGANTUA 



55 



as an honourable donative by way of present. 
After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, 
and Gargantiia for his safety allowed him the 
guard of thirty men at arms, and six score 
archers to attend him under the conduct of 
Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of 
the rock Clermond, if there were need. As 
soon as he was gone, the monk restored unto 
Grangousier the three-score and two thou- 
sand saints, which he had received, saying, 
Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give 
such gifts, stay till this war be at an end, for 
none can tell what accidents may occur, and 
war, begun without good provision of money 
before-hand for going through with it, is but 
as a breathing of strength, and blast that will 
quickly pass away. Coin is the sinews of war. 
Well then, said Grangousier, at the end I will 
content you by some honest recompense, as 
also all those who shall do me good service. 

CHAPTER 47 

How Grangousier sent for his Legions, and 
how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was 
afterwards executed by the command of 
Picrochole 

ABOUT this same time those of Besse, of the 
Old Market, of St. James' Bourg, of the Drag- 
gage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks of 
St. Pol, of the Vaubrcton, of Pautille, of the 
Brehemont, of Glainbridge, of Cravant, of 
Grandmont, of the town at the Badgerholes, 
of Huymes, of Segre, of Husse, of St. Levant, 
of Panzoust, of the Coklraux, of Verron, of 
Goulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bour- 
gueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croul- 
lay, of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and 
other bordering places, sent ambassadors un- 
to Grangousier, to tell him that they were ad- 
vised of the great wrongs which Picrochole 
had done him, and in regard of their ancient 
confederacy, offered him what assistance 
they could afford, both in men, money, victu- 
als, and ammunition, and other necessaries 
for war. The money, which by the joint agree- 
ment of them all was sent unto him, amount- 
ed to six score and fourteen millions two 
crowns and a half of pure gold. The forces 
wherewith they did assist him, did consist of 
fifteen thousand cuirassiers, two and thirty 
thousand light horsemen, four score and nine 
thousand dragoons, and a hundred and forty 
thousand volunteer adventurers. These had 
with them eleven thousand and two hundred 
cannons, double cannons, long pieces of artil- 



lery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones, 
known by the name of spirols, besides the 
mortar-pieces and granadoes. Of pioneers 
they had seven and forty thousand, all vic- 
tualled and paid for six months and four days 
of advance. Which offer Gargantua did not 
altogether refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, 
giving them hearty thanks, said, that he 
would compose and order the war by such a 
device, that there should not be found great 
need to put so many honest men to trouble in 
the managing of it; and therefore was con- 
tent at that time to give order only for bring- 
ing along the legions, which he maintained in 
his ordinary garrison towns of the Deviniere, 
of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quin- 
quenais, amounting to the number of two 
thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thou- 
sand foot soldiers, six and twenty thousand 
dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of 
great ordnance, two and twenty thousand 
pioneers, and six thousand light horsemen, all 
drawn up in troops, so well befitted and ac- 
commodated with their commissaries, sutlers, 
farriers, harness-makers, and other such like 
necessary members in a military camp; so 
fully instructed in the art of warfare, so per- 
fectly knowing and following their colours, so 
ready to hear and obey their captains, so 
nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so 
prudent in their adventures, and every day so 
well disciplined, that they seemed rather to 
be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual con- 
cord of the wheels of a clock, than an infan- 
try and cavalry, or army of soldiers. 

Touchfaucet immediately after his return 
presented himself before Picrochole, and re- 
lated unto him at large all that he had done 
and seen, and at last endeavoured to per- 
suade him with strong and forcible arguments 
to capitulate and make an agreement with 
Grangousier, whom he found to be the hon- 
estest man in the world; saying further, that 
it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble 
his neighbours f of whom they never received 
any thing but good. And in regard of the 
main point, that they should never be able to 
go through stitch with that war, but to their 
great damage and mischief: for the forces of 
Picrochole were not so considerable, but that 
Grangousier could easily overthrow them. 

He had not well done speaking, when 
Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that 
prince, which is by such men served, who are 
so easily corrupted, as I know Touchfaucet 
is. For I see his courage so changed, that he 



56 



RABELAIS 



had willingly joined with our enemies to fight 
against us and betray us, if they would have 
received him; but, as virtue is of all, both 
friends and foes, praised and esteemed, so is 
wickedness soon known and suspected, and 
although it happen the enemies do make use 
thereof for their profit, yet have they always 
the wicked and the traitors in abomination. 

Touchfaucet, being at these words very 
impatient, drew out his sword, and therewith 
ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under 
the nipple of his left side, whereof he died 
presently, and pulling back his sword out of 
his body, said boldly, So let him perish, that 
shall a faithful servant blame. Picrochole in- 
continently grew furious, and seeing Touch- 
faucet's new sword and his scabbard so rich- 
ly diapered with flourishes of most excellent 
workmanship, said, Did they give thce this 
weapon so feloniously therewith to kill before 
my face my so good friend Rashcalf? Then 
immediately commanded he his guard to hew 
him in pieces, which was instantly done, and 
that so cruelly, that the chamber was all dyed 
with blood. Afterwards he appointed the 
corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, 
and that of Touchfaucet to be cast over the 
walls into the ditch. 

The news of these excessive violences were 
quickly spread through all the army; where- 
upon many began to murmur against Picro- 
chole, in so far that Pinchpenny said to him, 
My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue 
of this enterprise will be. I see your men 
much dejected, and not well resolved in their 
minds, by considering that we are here veiy 
ill provided of victuals, and that our number 
is already much diminished by three or four 
sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and re- 
cruits come daily in to your enemies: but we 
so moulder away, that, if we be once be- 
sieged, I do not see how we can escape a total 
destruction. Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you 
are like the Melun eels, you cry before they 
come to you. Let them come, let them come, 
if they dare. 

CHAPTER 48 

How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within 
the Rock Clermond and utterly defeated 
the Army of the said Picrochole 

GARGANTUA had the charge of the whole 
army, and his father Grangousier stayed in 
his castle, who, encouraging them with good 
words, promised great rewards unto those 



that should do any notable service. Having 
thus set forward, as soon as they had gained 
the pass at the ford of Vedc, with boats and 
bridges speedily made, they passed over in a 
trice. Then considering the situation of the 
town, which was on a high and advantageous 
place, Gargantua thought fit to call his coun- 
cil and pass that night in deliberation upon 
what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto 
him, My sovereign lord, such is the nature 
and complexion of the French, that they are 
worth nothing but at the first push. Then they 
are more fierce than devils. But if they linger 
a little, and be wearied with delays, they will 
prove more faint and remiss than women. My 
opinion is, therefore, that now presently after 
your men have taken breath, and some small 
refection, you give order for a resolute as- 
sault, and that we storm them instantly. His 
advice was found very good, and for effectu- 
ating thereof he brought forth his army into 
the plain field, and placed the reserves on the 
skirt or rising of a little hill. The monk took 
along with him six companies of foot, and 
t\vo hundred horsemen well armed, and with 
great diligence crossed the marsh, and vali- 
antly got upon the top of the green hillock 
even unto the highway which leads to Lou- 
dun. Whilst the assault was thus begun, Pi- 
crochole's men could not tell what was best, 
to issue out and receive the assailants, or keep 
within the town and not to stir. Himself in the 
meantime, without deliberation, sallied forth 
in a rage with the cavalry of his guard, who 
were forthwith receive ;d and royally enter- 
tained with great cannon-shot that fell upon 
them like hail from the high grounds, on 
which the artillery was planted. For which 
purpose the Gargantuists betook themselves 
unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to 
play and range with the larger scope. 

Those of the town defended themselves as 
well as they could, but their shot passed over 
without doing any hurt at all. Some of Picro- 
chole's men, that had escaped our artillery, 
set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but pre- 
vailed little; for they were all let in betwixt 
the files, and there knocked down to the 
ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, 
they would have retreated, but the monk hav- 
ing seized upon the pass, by which they were 
to return, they run away and fled in all the 
disorder and confusion that could be imag- 
ined. 

Some would have pursued after them, and 
followed the chase, but the monk withheld 



GARGANTUA 



57 



them, apprehending that in their pursuit the 
pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give 
occasion to the besieged to sally out of the 
town upon them. Then staying there some 
space, and none coming against him, he sent 
the Duke Phrontist, to advise Gargantua to 
advance towards the hill upon the left hand, 
to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate; 
which Garganlua did with all expedition, and 
sent thither four brigades under the conduct 
of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the 
top of the hill, but they met Picrochole in the 
teeth, and those that were with him scattered. 

Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet 
were they much damaged by those that 
were upon the walls, who galled them with 
all manner of shot, both from the great ord- 
nance, small guns, and bows. Which Gargan- 
tua perceiving, he went with a strong party to 
their relief, and with his artillery began to 
thunder so terribly upon that canton of the 
wall, and so long, that all the strength within 
the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, 
was drawn thither. The monk, seeing that 
quarter which he kept besieged void of men 
and competent guards, and in a manner alto- 
gether naked and abandoned, did most mag- 
nanimously on a sudden lead up his men 
towards the fort, and never left it till he had 
got up upon it, knowing, that such as come 
to the reserve in a conflict bring with them 
always more fear and terror, than those that 
deal about them with their hands in the fight. 

Nevertheless he gave no alarm till all his 
soldiers had got within the wall, except the 
two hundred horsemen, whom he left without 
to secure his entry. Then did he give a most 
horrible shout, so did all those who were with 
him, and immediately thereafter, without re- 
sistance, putting to the edge of the sword the 
guard that was at that gate, they opened it to 
the horsemen, with whom most furiously they 
altogether ran towards the east gate, where 
all the hurly burly was, and coming close 
upon them in the rear, overthrew all their 
forces. 

The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists 
had won the town upon them, and that they 
were like to be secure in no corner of it, sub- 
mitted themselves unto the mercy of the 
monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk 
very nobly granted to them, yet made them 
lay down their arms; then, shutting them up 
within churches, gave order to seize upon all 
the staves of the crosses, and placed men at 
the doors to keep them from coming forth. 



Then, opening the east gate, he issued out to 
succour and assist Gargantua. But Picro- 
chole, thinking it had been some relief com- 
ing to him from the town, adventured more 
forwardly than before, and was upon the giv- 
ing of a most desperate home-charge, when 
Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my 
friend, Friar John, you are come in a good 
hour. Which unexpected accident so affright- 
ed Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for 
lost, they betook themselves to their heels, 
and flecl on all hands. Gargantua chased 
them till they came near to Vaugaudry, kill- 
ing and slaying all the way, and then sound- 
ed the retreat. 

CHAPTER 49 

How Picrochole in his flight fell into great 
misfortunes, and what (Gargantua did after 
tlie Battle 

PICROCHOLE, thus in despair, fled towards the 
Bouchard Island, and in the way to Riviere 
his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he 
on a sudden was so incensed, that he with his 
sword without more ado killed him in his 
choler; then, not finding any that would re- 
mount him, he was about to have taken an ass 
at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's 
men did so baste his bones, and so soundly 
bethwack him, that they made him both black 
and blue with strokes; then, stripping him of 
all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old canvas 
jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. 
Tims went this poor choleric wretch, who 
passing the water at Port-Huaux, and relating 
his misaclveuturous disasters, was foretold by 
an old Lourpidon hag, that his kingdom 
should be restored to him at the coming of 
the Cocklicranes. What is become of him 
since we cannot certainly tell, yet was I told 
that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and 
pettish in humour as ever he was before, and 
would be always, with great lamentation, in- 
quiring at all strangers of the coming of the 
Cocklicranes, expecting assuredly, according 
to the old woman's prophecy, that at their 
coming he shall be re-established in his king- 
dom. The first thing Gargantua did after his 
return into the town was to call the muster- 
toll of his men, which when he had done he 
found that there were very few either killed 
or wounded, only some few foot of Captain 
Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates, who 
was shot with a musket-ball through the 
doublet. Then he caused them all at and in 



58 



RABELAIS 



their several posts and divisions to take a lit- 
tle refreshment, which was very plenteously 
provided for them in the best drink and victu- 
als that could be had for money, and gave 
order to the treasurers and commissaries of 
the army, to pay for and defray that repast, 
and that there should be no outrage at all, nor 
abuse committed in the town, seeing it was 
his own. And furthermore commanded, that 
immediately after the soldiers had clone with 
eating and drinking for that time sufficiently, 
and to their own hearts' desire, a gathering 
should be beaten, for bringing them alto- 
gether, to be drawn upon the pid/za before 
the castle, there to receive six months' pay 
completely. All which was done. After this, 
by his diiection, were brought before him in 
the said place all those that remained of 
Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the pres- 
ence of the princes, nobles, and officers of his 
court and army, he spoke as followeth. 

CHAPTER 50 

Gargantuds spcecli 1o tJir vanquished 

OUR forefathers and ancestors of all times 
have been of this nature and disposition, that, 
upon the winning of a battle, they have chos- 
en rather, for a sign and memorial of their tri- 
umphs and victories, to erect trophies and 
monuments in the hearts of the vanquished 
by clemency, than by architecture in the 
lands which they had conquered. For they 
did hold in greater estimation the lively re- 
membrance of men, purchased by liberality, 
than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, 
and pyramids, subject to the injury of storms 
and tempests, and to the envy of every one. 
You may very well remember of the courtesy, 
which by them was used towards the Bretons, 
in the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier, and at 
the demolishing of Partenay. You have heard, 
and hearing admire, their gentle comport- 
ment towards those at the barriers of Spani- 
ola, who had plundered, wasted, and ran- 
sacked the maritime borders of Olone and 
Thalmondois. All this hemisphere of the 
world was filled with the praises and congrat- 
ulations which yourselves and your fathers 
made, when Alpharbal King of Canarre, not 
satisfied with his own fortunes, did most fur- 
iously invade the land of Onyx, and with 
cruel piracies molest all the Armorick Islands, 
and confine regions of Brittany. Yet was he in 
a set naval fight justly taken and vanquished 
by my father, whom God preserve and pro- 



tect. But what? Whereas other kings and em- 
perors, yea those who entitle themselves cath- 
olics, would have dealt roughly with him, 
kept him a close prisoner, and put him to an 
extreme high ransom, he entreated him very 
courteously, lodged him kindly with himself 
in his own palace, and out of his incredible 
mildness and gentle disposition sent him back 
with a safe conduct, laden with gifts, laden 
with favours, laden with all offices of friend- 
ship. What fell out upon it? Being returned 
into his country, he called a parliament, 
where all the princes and states of his king- 
dom being assembled, he showed them the 
humanity which he had found in us, and 
therefore wished them to take such course by 
way of compensation therein, as that the 
whole world might be edified by the example, 
as well of their honest graciousness to us, as 
of our gracious honesty towards them. The 
result hereof was, that it was voted and de- 
creed by an unanimous consent, that they 
should offer up entirely their lands, domin- 
ions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us 
according to our pleasure. 

Alpharbal in his own person presently re- 
turned with nine thousand and thirty-eight 
great ships of burden, bringing with him the 
treasures, not only of his house and royal lin- 
eage, but almost of all the country besides. 
For he embarking himself to set sail with a 
west-north-east wind, every one in heaps did 
cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, 
spices, drugs, and aromatical perfumes, par- 
rots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, black- 
spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was ac- 
counted no good mother's son, that did not 
cast in all the rare and precious things he had. 

Being safely arrived, he came to my said 
father, and would have kissed his feet. That 
action was found too submissively low, and 
therefore was not permitted, but in exchange 
he was most cordially embraced. He offered 
his presents; they were not received, because 
they were too excessive: he yielded himself 
voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was con- 
tent his whole posterity should be liable to 
the same bondage; this was not accepted of, 
because it seemed not equitable: he surren- 
dered, by virtue of the decree of his great 
parliamentary council, his whole countries 
and kingdoms to him, offering the deed and 
conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified, by 
those that were concerned in it; this was alto- 
gether refused, and the parchments cast into 
the fire. In end, this free good will and simple. 



GARGANTUA 



59 



meaning of the Canarrines wrought such ten- 
derness in my father's heart, that he could not 
abstain from shedding tears, and wept, most 
profusely; then, by choice words very con- 
gruously adapted, strove in what he could to 
diminish the estimation of the good offices 
which he had done them, saying, that any 
courtesy he had conferred upon them was not 
worth a rush, and what favour soever he had 
showed them, he was bound to do it. But so 
much the more did Alpharbal augment the 
repute thereof. What was the issue? Whereas 
for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rig- 
our, and most tyrannical dealing, could not 
have been exacted above twenty times a hun- 
dred thousand crowns, and his eldest sons 
detained as hostages, till that sum had been 
paid, they made themselves perpetual tribu- 
taries, and obliged to give us every year two 
millions of gold at four and twenty carats 
fine. The first year we received the whole 
sum of two millions; the second year of their 
own accord they paid freely to us three and 
twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third 
year, six and twenty hundred thousand; the 
fourth year, three millions, and do so increase 
it always out of their own good will, that we 
shall be constrained to forbid them to bring 
us any more. This is the nature of gratitude 
and true thankfulness. For time, which 
gnaws and diminishetli all things else, aug- 
ments and increaseth benefits; because a no- 
ble action of liberality, done to a man of rea- 
son, doth grow continually, by his generous 
thinking of it, and remembering it. 

Being unwilling therefore any way to de- 
generate from the hereditary mildness and 
clemency of my parents, I do now forgive 
you, deliver you from all fines and imprison- 
ments, fully release you, set you at liberty, 
and every way make you as frank and free as 
ever you were before. Moreover, at your go- 
ing out of the gate, you shall have every one 
of you three months' pay to bring you home 
into your houses and families, and shall have 
a safe convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and 
eight thousand foot under the conduct of Al- 
exander, esquire of my body, that the club- 
men of the country may not do you any in- 
jury. God be with you! I am sorry from my 
heart that Picrochole is not here; for 1 would 
have given him to understand that this war 
was undertaken against my will, and without 
any hope to increase either my goods or re- 
nown. But seeing he is lost, and that no man 
can tell where, nor how he went away, it is 



my will that this kingdom remain entire to 
his son; who, because he is too young, he not 
being yet full five years old, shall be brought 
up and instructed by the ancient princes, and 
learned men of the kingdom. And because a 
realm, thus desolate, may easily come to ruin, 
if the covetousness and avarice of those, who 
by their places are obliged to administer jus- 
tice in it, be not curbed and restrained, I or- 
dain and will have it so, that Ponocrates be 
overseer and superintendent above all his 
governors, with whatever power and author- 
ity is requisite thereto, and that he be contin- 
ually with the child, until he find him able 
and capable to rule and govern by himself. 

Now I must tell you, that you are to under- 
stand how a too feeble and dissolute facility 
in pardoning evil-doers giveth them occasion 
to commit wickedness afterwards more read- 
ily, upon this pernicious confidence of receiv- 
ing favour. I consider, that Moses, the meek- 
est man that was in his time upon the earth, 
did severely punish the mutinous and sedi- 
tious people of Israel. I consider likewise, that 
Julius Civsar, who was so gracious an emper- 
or, that Cicero said of him, that his fortune 
had nothing more excellent than that he 
could, and his virtue nothing better, than that 
he would always save and pardon every man; 
he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain 
places most rigorously punish the authors of 
rebellion. After the example of these good 
men, it is my will and pleasure, that you de- 
liver over unto me, before you depart hence, 
first, that fine fellow Marquet, wno was the 
prime cause, origin, and ground-work of this 
war, by his vain presumption and overween- 
ing: secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who 
were neglective in checking and reprehend- 
ing his idle hair-brained humour in the in- 
stant time: and lastly, all the counsellors, cap- 
tains, officers, and domestics of Picrochole 
who have been incendiaries or fomenters of 
the war, by provoking, praising, or counsel- 
ling him to come out of his limits thus to 
trouble us. 

CHAPTER 51 

II oio the victorious Garguntnists were recom- 
pensed after the BfittJc 

WHEN Gargantua had finished his speech, 
the seditious men whom he required were de- 
livered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, 
Durtaille, and Smalltrash, who ran away six 
hours before the battle, one of them as far as 



60 



RABELAIS 



to Lainielneck at one course, another to the 
valley of Vire, and the third even unto Lo- 
groine, without looking back, or taking 
breath by the way, and two of the cake-bak- 
ers who were slain in the fight. Cargantua 
did them no other hurt, but that he appointed 
them to pull at the presses of his printing- 
house, which he had newly set up. Then 
those who died there he caused to be honour- 
ably buried in Blacksoille-valley, and Burn- 
hag-field, and gave order that the wounded 
should be dressed and had care of in his great 
hospital or Nosocome. After this, considering 
the great prejudice done to the town and its 
inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges, and 
repaired all the losses that by their confession 
upon oath could appear they had sustained; 
and, for their better defence and security in 
times coming against all sudden uproars and 
invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be 
built there with a competent garrison to 
maintain it. At his departure he did very gra- 
ciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades 
that had been at this overthrow, and sent 
them back to their winter-quarters in their 
several stations, and garrisons; the decumane 
legion only cxcepted, whom in the field on 
that clay he saw do some great exploit, and 
their captains also, whom lie brought along 
with himself unto Grangousier. 

At the sight and coming of them, the good 
man was so joyful, that it is not possible fully 
to describe it. He made them a feast the most 
magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever 
was seen since the time of the King Ashuerus. 
At the taking up of the table he distributed 
amongst them his whole cupboard of plate, 
which weighed eight hundred thousand and 
fourteen besants of gold, in great antique ves- 
sels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, 
goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes and other 
such plate, all of pure massy gold besides the 
precious stones, enamelling, and workman- 
ship, which by all men's estimation was more 
worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto 
every one of them out of his coffers caused he 
to be given the sum of twelve hundred thou- 
sand crowns ready money. Arid, further, he 
gave to each of them for ever and in perpetu- 
ity, unless he should happen to decease with- 
out heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands 
of his as were most commodious for them. To 
Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to 
Gymnast the Coudray; to Eudemon, Mon- 
pensier; Rivau, to Tolmere; to Ithibolle, 
Montsaureau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to 



Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebaste; Quinquenais, 
to Alexander; Ligre, to Sophrone, and so of 
his other places. 

CHAPTER 52 

How Gargantua caused to be built for the 
Monk the Abbey of Thcleme 

THERE was left only the monk to provide for, 
whom Gargantua would have made Abbot of 
Seville, but he refused it. He would have giv- 
en him the Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct 
Florent, which was better, or both, if it 
pleased him; but the monk gave him a very 
peremptory answer, that he would never take 
upon him the charge nor government of 
monks. For how shall I be able, said he, to 
rule over others, that have not full power and 
command of myself? If you think I have done 
you, or may hereafter do you any acceptable 
service, give me leave to found an abbey after 
my own mind and fancy. The motion pleased 
Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered 
him all the country of Theleme by the River 
of Loire, till within two leagues of the great 
forest of Port-Huaut. The monk then request- 
ed Gargantua to institute his religious order 
contrary to all others. First then, said Gar- 
gantua, you must not build a wall about your 
convent, for all other abbeys are strongly 
walled and mured about. See, said the monk, 
and not without cause, where there is mnr 
before, and mur behind, there is store of mur- 
mur, envy, and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, 
seeing there are certain convents in the 
world, whereof the custom is, if any women 
come in, I mean chaste and honest women, 
they immediately sweep the ground which 
they have trod upon; therefore was it or- 
dained, that if any man or woman, entered 
into religious orders, should by chance come 
within this new abbey, all the rooms should 
be thoroughly washed and cleansed through 
which they had passed. And because in all 
other monasteries and nunneries all is com- 
passed, limited, and regulated by hours, it 
was decreed that in this new structure there 
should be neither clock nor dial, but that ac- 
cording to the opportunities and incident oc- 
casions, all their hours should be disposed of; 
for, said Gargantua, the greatest loss of time 
that I know, is to count the hours. What good 
comes of it? Nor can there be any greater 
dotage in the world than for one to guide and 
direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and 
not by his own judgment and discretion. 



GARGANTUA 



61 



Item, Because at that time they put no 
women into nunneries, but such as were 
either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, 
ill-favoured, mis-shapen, fools, senseless, 
spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men, 
but those that were either sickly, subject to 
defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple sots, or pee- 
vish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said 
the monk. A woman that is neither fair nor 
good, to what use serves she? To make a nun 
of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, to 
make shirts and smocks. Therefore was it or- 
dained, that into this religious order should 
be admitted no women that were not fair, 
well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor 
men that were not comely, personable, and 
well conditioned. 

Item, Because in the convents of women, 
men come not but underhand, privily, and 
by stealth; it was therefore enacted, that in 
this house there shall be no women in case 
there be not men, nor men in case there be 
not women. 

Item, Because both men and women, that 
are received into religious orders after the ex- 
piring of their noviciat or probation year, 
were constrained and forced perpetually to 
stay there all the clays of their life; it was 
therefore ordered, that all whatever, men or 
women, admitted within this abbey, should 
have full leave to depart with peace and con- 
tentment, whensoever it should seem good to 
them so to do. 

Item, for that the religious men and wom- 
en did ordinarily . make three vows, to wit, 
those of chastity, poverty, and obedience; it 
was therefore constituted and appointed, that 
in this convent they might be honourably 
married, that they might be rich, and live at 
liberty. In regard of the legitimate time of the 
persons to be initiated, and years under and 
above which they were not capable of recep- 
tion, the women were to be admitted from 
ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till 
eighteen. 

CHAPTER 53 

How the Abbey of the Thelemites icas built 
and endowed 

Fon the fabric and furniture of the abbey, 
Garganlua caused to be delivered out in 
ready money seven and twenty hundred 
thousand, eight hundred and one and thirty 
of those golden rams of Berry, which have a 
sheet stamped on the one side, and a flow- 



ered cross on the other; and for every year un- 
til the whole work were completed, he allot- 
ted threescore nine thousand crowns of the 
sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be 
charged all upon the receipt of the custom. 
For the foundation and maintenance thereof 
for ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent 
of three and twenty hundred, threescore and 
nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen 
rose nobles, exempted from all homage, feal- 
ty, service, or burden whatsoever, and pay- 
able every year at the gate of the ubbey; and 
of this, by letters patent passed a very good 
grant. The architecture was in a figure hex- 
agonal, and in such a fashion, that in every 
one of the six corners there was built a great 
round tower of threescore feet in diameter, 
and were all of a like form and bigness. Upon 
the north-side ran along the river of Loire, on 
the bank whereof was situated the tower 
called Arctic. Going towards the east, there 
was another called Calaer, the next follow- 
ing Anatole, the next Mesembrine, the next 
Ilesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower 
was distant from the other the space; of three 
hundred and twelve paces. The whole edifice 
was every where six stories high, reckoning 
the cellars under ground for one. The second 
was arched after the fashion of a basket-han- 
dle, the rest were sealed with pure wainscot, 
flourished with Flanders fiet-woik, in the 
form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above 
with fine slates, with an indorsement of lead, 
carrying the antique figures of little puppets, 
and animals of all sorts, notably well suited 
to one another, and gilt, together with the 
gutters, which jetting without the walls from 
betwixt the cross bars in a diagonal figure, 
painted with gold and azure, reached to the 
very ground, where they ended into great 
conduit-pipes, which carried all away unto 
the river from under the house. 

This same building was a hundred times 
more sumptuous and magnificent than ever 
was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for 
there were in ft nine thousand three hundred 
and two and thirty chambers, every one 
whereof had a withdrawing room, a hand- 
some closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat 
passage, leading into a great and spacious 
hall. Between every tower, in the midst of the 
said body of building, there was a pair of 
winding, such as we now call lanthorn stairs, 
whereof the steps were part of porphyry, 
which is a dark red marble, spotted with 
white, part of Numidian stone, which is a 



62 



RABELAIS 



kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon 
various colours, and part of serpentine mar- 
ble, with light spots on a dark green ground, 
each of those steps being two and twenty feet 
in length, and three fingers thick, and the just 
number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as 
we now term it, landing place. In every rest- 
ing place were two fair antique arches where 
the light came in: and by those they went 
into a cabinet, made even with, and of the 
breadth of the said winding, and the re-as- 
cending above the roofs of the house ending 
conically in a pavilion. By that vize or wind- 
ing, they entered on every side into a great 
hall, and from the halls into the chambers. 
From the Arctic tower unto the Criere, were 
the fair great libraries in Greek, Latin, He- 
brew, French, Italian and Spanish, respec- 
tively distributed in their several cantons, ac- 
cording to the diversity of these languages. In 
the midst there was a wonderful scalier or 
winding-stair, the entry whereof was without 
the house, in a vault or arch, six fathoms 
broad. It was made in such symmetry and 
largeness, that six men at arms with their 
lances in their rests might together in a breast 
ride all up to the very top of all the palace. 
From the tower Anatole to the Mesembrine 
were fair spacious galleries, all covered over 
and painted with the ancient prowesses, his- 
tories and descriptions of the world. In the 
midst thereof there was likewise such another 
ascent and gate, as we said there was on the 
river-side. Upon that gate was written in 
great antique letters that which followcth. 

CHAPTER 54 

The Inscription set upon the great Gate of 
Theleme 

HERE enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, 

Externally devoted apes, base suites, 

Puft up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the 

Huns, 

Or Ostrogots, forerunners of baboons: 
Cursed snakes, dissembling varlets, seeming 

sancts, 

Slipshop caffards, beggars pretending wants, 
Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish 

gulls, 
Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious 

bulls, 

Fornenters of divisions and debates, 
Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your 

deceits. 

Your filthy trumperies 



Stuffed with pernicious lies, 

(Not worth a bubble) 

Would only trouble 
Our earthly paradise, 
Your filthy trumperies. 

Here enter not attorneys, barristers, 
Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners; 
Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, 
Wilful disturbers of the people's ease : 
Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath, 
Of honest men, like dogs, ev'n unto death. 
Your salary is at the gibbet-foot: 
Co drink there! for we do not here fly out 
On those excessive courses, which may draw 
A waiting on your courts by suits in law. 
Law-suits, debates, and wrangling 
Hence are exil'd, and jangling. 
Here we are very 
Frolic and merry, 
And free from all entangling, 
Law-suits, debates, and wrangling. 

I lere enter not base pinching usurers, 
Pclf-lickers, everlasting gatherers. 
Cold-graspers, coin-grippers, gulpers of 

mists, 
With harpy-griping claws, who, though your 

chests 

Vast sums of money should to you afford, 
Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, 
And yet not be content, you clunchfists 

dastards, 

Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards, 
Greedy dcvourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, 
Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you rav'nous 
dogs. 

You beastly-looking fellows, 
Reason cloth plainly tell us, 
That we should not 
To you allot 

Room here, but at the gallows, 
You beastly-looking fellows. 

Here enter not fond makers of demurs 
In love adventures, peevish jealous curs, 
Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboyles, 
Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of house- 
hold broils, 
Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, 

clowns, 
Thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with 

frowns, 

Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous, 
Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous, 
Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place, 



GARGANTUA 



63 



No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace. 
Grace, honour, praise, delight, 
Here sojourn day and night. 

Sound bodies lin'd 

With a good mind, 
Do here pursue with might 
Grace, honour, praise, delight. 

Here enter you, and welcome from our 

hearts, 

All noble sparks, endow'd with gallant parts. 
This is the glorious place, which bravely shall 
Afford wherewith to entertain you all. 
Were you a thousand, here you shall not 

want 

For any thing: for what you'll ask we'll grant. 
Stay here you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk, 
Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk, 
Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of 

trades, 

And in a word, all worthy, gentle blades. 
Blades of heroic breasts 
Shall taste here of the feasts, 
Both privily 
And civilly 

Of the celestial guests, 
Blades of heroic breasts. 

Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true, 
Expounders of the Scriptures old and new. 
Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but 
Make it to see the clearer, and who shut 
Its passages from hatred, avarice, 
Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice. 
Come, settle here a charitable faith, 
Which neighbourly affection nourisheth. 
And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence, 
Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense. 

The Holy Sacred Word, 

May it always afford 
T" us all in common, 
Both man and woman, 

A spiritual shield and sword, 

The Holy Sacred Word. 

Here enter you all ladies of high birth, 
Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth, 
Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair, 
Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, 
Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, 

solacious, 
Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, 

choice, dear, precious. 
Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete. 
Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet, 
Come joys enjoy. The Lord celestial 



Hath given enough, wherewith to please us 
all. 

Gold give us, God forgive us, 
And from all woes relieve us; 
That we the treasure 
May reap of pleasure, 
And shun whatc'er is grievous, 
Gold give us, God forgive us. 

CHAPTER 55 

What manner of dwelling the Thclemitcs Jiad 

IN the middle of the lower court there? was a 
stately fountain of fair alabaster. Upon the 
top thereof stood the three Graces, with their 
cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did 
jet out the water at their breasts, mouth, ears, 
eyes, and other open passages of the body. 
The inside of the buildings in this lower court 
stood upon great pillars of Cassyclony stone, 
and Porphyry marble, made archwise after a 
goodly antique fashion. Within those were 
spacious galleries, long and large, adorned 
with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and 
unicorns; with rhinoceroses, water-horses, 
called hippopotames; the teeth and tusks of 
elephants, and other things well worth the be- 
holding. The lodging of the ladies, for so we 
may call those gallant women, took up all 
from the tower Arctic unto the gate Mesem- 
brine. The men possessed the rest. Before the 
said lodging of the ladies, that they might 
have their recreation, between the two first 
towers, on the outside, were placed the tilt- 
yard, the barriers or lists for tournaments, the 
hippodrome or riding court, the theatre or 
public play-house, and natatory or place to 
swim in, with most admirable baths in three 
stages, situated above one another, well fur- 
nished with all necessary accommodation, 
and store of myrtle-water. By the river-side 
was the fair garden of pleasure, and in the 
midst of that the glorious labyrinth. Between 
the two other towers were the courts for the 
tennis and the baloon. Towards the tower 
Criere stood the orchard full of all fruit-trees, 
set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the 
end of that was the great park, abounding 
with all sort of venison. Betwixt the third cou- 
ple of towers were the butts and marks for 
shooting with a snap-work gun, an ordinary 
bow for common archery, or with a cross bow. 
The office-houses were without the tower 
Hesperia, of one story high. The stables were 
beyond the offices, and before them stood the 
falconry, managed by ostrich-keepers and f al- 



64 



RABELAIS 



coners, very expert in the art, and it was year- 
ly supplied and furnished by the Candians, 
Venetians, Sarmates, now called Moscoviters, 
with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, 
gerfalcons, goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, 
sparhawks, merlins, and other kinds of them, 
so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, 
flying of themselves sometimes from the cas- 
tle for their own disport, they would not fail 
to catch whatever they encountered. The 
vcnery, where the beagles and hounds were 
kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards 
the park. 

All the halls, chambers, and closets or cab- 
inets were richly hung with tapestry, and 
hangings of divers sorts, according to the va- 
riety of the seasons of the year. All the pave- 
ments and floors were covered with green 
cloth. The beds were all embroidered. In ev- 
ery back-chamber or withdrawing room there 
was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a 
frame of fine gold, garnished all about with 
pearls, and was of such greatness, that it 
would represent to the full the whole linea- 
ments and proportion of the person that stood 
before it. At the going out of the halls, which 
belong to the ladies' lodgings, were the per- 
fumers and trimmers, through whose hands 
the gallants past when they were to visit the 
ladies. Those sweet artificers did every morn- 
ing furnish the ladies' chambers with the spir- 
it of roses, orange-ilower-water, and angelica; 
and to each of them gave a little precious cas- 
ket vapouring forth the most odoriferous ex- 
halations of the choicest aromatical scents. 

CHAPTER 56 

How the Men and Women o/ the religious or- 
der of Thelemc were apparelled 

THE ladies of the foundation of this order 
were apparelled after their own pleasure and 
liking. But, since that of their own accord and 
free will they have reformed themselves, 
their accoutrement is in manner as followeth. 
They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or in- 
grained purple dye, which reached just three 
inches above the knee, having a list beautified 
with exquisite embroideries, and rare inci- 
sions of the cutter's art. Their garters were of 
the colour of their bracelets, and circled the 
knee a little both over and under. Their shoes, 
pumps and slippers were either of red, violet, 
or crimson velvet, pinked and jagged like lob- 
ster wadles. 

Next to their smock they put on the pretty 



kirtle or vasquin of pure silk camblet: above 
thai went the taffaty or tabby vardingale, of 
white, red, tawny grey, or of any other col- 
our. Above this taffaty petticoat they had an- 
other of cloth of tissue, or brocade, embroi- 
dered with fine gold, and interlaced with 
needlework, or as they thought good, and ac- 
cording to the temperature and disposition of 
the weather, had their upper coats of satin, 
damask, or velvet, and those cither orange, 
tawny, green, ash-coloured, blue, yellow, 
bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or 
had them of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or 
some other choice stuff, enriched with pur- 
ple, or embroidered according to the dignity 
of the festival days and times wherein they 
wore them. 

Their gowns being still correspondent to 
the season, were either of cloth of gold friz- 
zled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, 
covered with gold purl; of tabby, or taffaty, 
white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge, 
silk camblet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tis- 
sue, cloth of gold, gold wire, figured velvet, 
or figured satin, tinselled and overcast with 
golden threads, in divers variously purfled 
draughts. 

In the summer, some days, instead of 
gowns, they wore light handsome mantles, 
made either of the stuff of the aforesaid at- 
tire, or like Moresco rugs, of violet velvet 
frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon sil- 
ver purl, or with a knotted cordwork, of gold 
embroidery, every where garnished with lit- 
tle Indian pearls. They always carried a fair 
panache, or plume of feathers, of the colour 
of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked 
out with glistering spangles of gold. In the 
winter time, they had their taffaty gowns of 
all colours, as above named, and those lined 
with the rich furrings of hind-wolves, or spec- 
kled linxes, black spotted weasels, martlet 
skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs 
of an inestimable value. Their beads, rings, 
bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains 
were all of precious stones, such as carbun- 
cles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, sapphires, em- 
eralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryles, 
and excellent margarites. Their head-dress- 
ing also varied with the season of the year, ac- 
cording to which they decked themselves. In 
winter it was of the French fashion; in the 
spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the 
fashion of Tuscany, except only upon the 
holy days and Sundays, at which times they 
were accoutred in the French mode, because 



GARGANTUA 



they accounted it more honourable, and bet- 
ter befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity. 

The men were apparelled after their fash- 
ion. Their stockings were of tamine or of 
cloth-serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some 
other ingrained colour. Their breeches were 
of velvet, of the same colour with their stock- 
ings, or very near, embroidered and cut ac- 
cording to their fancy. Their doublet was of 
cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, sat- 
in, damask, taffaties, &c., of the same colours, 
cut, embroidered, and suitably trimmed up 
in perfection. The points were of silk of the 
same colours, the tags were of gold well 
enamelled. Their coats and jerkins were of 
cloth of gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or 
velvet embroidered, as they thought fit. Their 
gowns were every whit as costly as those of 
the ladies. Their girdles were of silk, of the 
colour of their doublets. Every one had a gal- 
lant sword by his side, the hilt and handle 
whereof were gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, 
of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of 
gold, and pure goldsmith's work. The dagger 
of the same. Their caps or bonnets were of 
black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons 
of gold. Upon that they wore a while plume 
most prettily and minion-like parted by so 
many rows of gold spangles, at the end 
whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling 
resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, dia- 
monds, &e., but there was such a sympathy 
betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every 
day they were apparelled in the same livery. 
And that they might not miss, there were cer- 
tain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths 
every morning what vestments the ladies 
would on that day wear; for all was done ac- 
cording to the pleasure of the ladies. In these 
so handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, 
think not that either one or other of either sex 
did waste any time at all; for the masters of 
the wardrobes had all their raiments and ap- 
parel so ready for every morning, and the 
chamber-ladies were so well skilled, that in a 
trice they would be dressed, and completely 
in their clothes from head to foot. And, to 
have those accoutrements with the more con- 
veniency, there was about the wood of The- 
leme a row of houses of the extent of half a 
league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt 
the goldsmiths, lapidaries, jewellers, embroi- 
derers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers, 
tapestry-makers, and upholsterers, who 
wrought there every one in his own trade, and 
all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of 



the new stamp. They were furnished with 
matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord 
Nausiclete, who every year brought them sev- 
en ships from the Perlas and Cannibal Is- 
lands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw 
silk, with pearls and precious stones. And if 
any margarites, called unions [pearls], began 
to grow old, and lose somewhat of their nat- 
ural whiteness and lustre, those by their art 
they did renew, by tendering them to eat to 
some pretty cocks, as they use to give casting 
unto hawks. 

CHAPTER 57 

How the Thelettiites were governed, and of 
their manner of living 

ALL their life was spent not in laws, statutes, 
or rules, but according to their own free will 
and pleasure. They rose out of their beds 
when they thought good: they did eat, drink, 
labour, sleep, when they had a mind to it, and 
were disposed for it. None did awake them, 
none did offer to constrain them to cat, drink, 
nor to do any other thing; for so had Gargan- 
tua established it. In all their rule, and strict- 
est tie of their order, there was but this one 
clause to be observed. 

DO WHAT THOU WILT. 

Because men that are free, well-born, well- 
bred, and conversant in honest companies, 
have naturally an instinct and spur that 
prornpteth them unto virtuous actions, and 
withdraws them from vice, which is called 
honour. Those same men, when by base sub- 
jection and constraint they are brought under 
and kept down, turn aside from that noble 
disposition, by which they formerly were in- 
clined to virtue, to shake off and break that 
bond of servitude, wherein they are so tyran- 
nously enslaved; for it is agreeable with the 
nature of man to long after things forbidden, 
and to desire what is denied us. 

By this liberty they entered into a very 
laudable emulation, to do all of them what 
they saw did please one. If any of the gallants 
or ladies should say, Let us drink, they would 
all drink. If any one of them said, Let us play, 
they all played. If one said, Let us go a walk- 
ing into the fields, they went all. If it were to 
go a hawking or a hunting, the ladies mount- 
ed upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a 
stately palfrey saddle, carried on their lovely 
fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, 



66 



RABELAIS 



either a sparhawk, or a lancret, or a merlin, 
and the young gallants carried the other 
kinds of hawks. So nobly were they taught, 
that there was neither he nor she amongst 
them, but could read, write, sing, play upon 
several musical instruments, speak five or six 
several languages, and compose in them all 
very quaintly, both in veise and prose. Never 
were seen so valiant knights, so noble and 
worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot 
and a horseback, more brisk and lively, more 
nimble and quick, or better handling all man- 
ner of weapons than were theie. Never were 
seen ladies so proper and handsome, so mini- 
arcl and dainty, less forward, or more ready 
with their hand, and with their needle, in ev- 
ery honest and free action belonging to that 
sex, than were there. For this reason, when 
the time came, that any man of the said ab- 
bey, either at the request of his parents, or 
for some other cause, had a mind to go out of 
it, he carried along with him one of the ladies, 
namely her whom he had before that chosen 
for his mistress, and they were married to- 
gether. And if they had formerly in Theleme 
lived in good devotion and amity, they did 
continue therein and increase it to a greater 
height in their state of matrimony: and did 
entertain that mutual love till the very last 
day of their life, in no less vigour and ferven- 
cy, than at the very day of their wedding. 

Here must not I forget to set down unto 
you a riddle, which was found under the 
ground, as they were laying the foundation of 
the abbey, engraven in a copper plate, and it 
was thus as followeth. 

CHAPTER 58 

A Prophetical Riddle 

Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day, 
Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall 

say; 

If it be lawful firmly to believe, 
That the celestial bodies can us give 
Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet; 
Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get, 
As may with confidence make us discourse 
Of years to come, their destiny and course; 
I to my hearers give to understand, 
That this next winter, though it be at hand, 
Yea and before, there shall appear a race 
Of men, who, loth to sit still in one place, 
Shall boldly go before all people's eyes, 
Suborning men of divers qualities, 
To draw them unto covenants and sides, 



In such a manner, that whate'cr betides, 
They'll move you, if you give them ear, no 

doubt, 
With both your friends and kindred to fall 

out. 

They'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord, 
And children their own parents; in a word, 
All reverence shall then be banished, 
No true respect to other shall be had. 
They'll say that every man should have his 

turn, 

Both in his going forth, and his return; 
And hereupon there shall arise such woes, 
Such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's, 
That never was in history such coils 
Set down as yet, such tumults and garboyles. 
Then shall you many gallant men see by 
Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency, 
Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time, 
1 ave but a while, and perish in their prime. 
Neither shall any, who this course shall run, 
Leave off the race which he hath once begun, 
Till they the heavens with noise by their 

contention 
Have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's 

dimension. 

Then those shall have no less authority, 
That have no faith, than those that will not 

lie; 

For all shall be governed by a rude, 
Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; 
The veriest lout of all shall be their judge, 
A horrible and dangerous deluge! 
Deluge I call it, and that for good reason, 
For this shall be omitted in no season; 
Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free, 
Till suddenly you in great store shall see 
The waters issue out, with whose streams the 
Most moderate of all shall moisten'd be, 
And justly too; because they did riot spare 
The flocks of beasts that innocentest are, 
But did their sinews, and their bowels take, 
Not to the gods a sacrifice to make, 
But usually to serve themselves for sport: 
And now consider, I do you exhort, 
In such commotions so continual, 
What rest can take the globe terrestrial? 
Most happy then are they, that can it hold, 
And use it carefully as precious gold, 
By keeping it in goal, whence it shall have 
No help but him, who being to it gave. 
And to increase his mournful accident, 
The sun, before it set in th' Occident, 
Shall cease to dart upon it any light, 
More than in an eclipse, or in the night, 
So that at once its favour shall be gone 



GARGANTUA 



67 



And liberty with it be left alone. 

And yet, before it come to ruin thus, 

Its quaking shall be as impetuous 

As ^Etna's was, when Titan's sons lay under, 

And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like 

thunder. 

Inarime did riot more quickly move, 
When Typheus did the vast huge hills 

remove, 
And for despite into the sea them threw. 

Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, 
And changed suddenly, when those that have 

it 

To other men that after come shall leave it. 
Then shall it be high time to cease from this 
So long, so great, so tedious exercise; 
For the great waters told you now by me, 
Will make each think where his re treat shall 

be; 

And yet, before that they be clean dispers't, 
You may behold in th' air, where nought was 

erst. 

The burning heat of a great flame to rise, 
Lick up the water, and the enterprise. 

It resteth after those things to declare, 
That those shall sit content, who chosen are, 
With all good things, and with celestial 

marine, 

And richly recompensed every man: 
The others at the last all stripp'd shall be, 
That after this great work all men may see 
How each shall have his due. This is their lot; 
O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not. 

No sooner was this enigmatical monument 
read over, but Gargantua, fetching a very 



deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is 
not now only, I perceive, that people called 
to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with 
the certainty of evangelical truths, are perse- 
cuted. But happy is that man that shall not 
be scandalized, but shall always continue to 
the end, in aiming at that mark, which God 
by his dear Son hath set before us, without 
being distracted or diverted, by his carnal af- 
fections and depraved nature. 

The monk then said, What do you think in 
your conscience is meant and signified by this 
riddle? What? said Gargantua, the progress 
and carrying on of the divine truth. By St. 
Goderan, said the monk, that is not my expo- 
sition. It is the style of the prophet Merlin. 
Make upon it as many grave allegories and 
glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and 
the rest of the world as long as you please: for 
my part, I can conceive no other meaning in 
it, but a description of a set at tennis in dark 
and obscure terms. The suborners of men are 
the makers of matches, which are commonly 
friends. After the two chases are made, he 
that was in the upper end of the tennis-court 
goeth out, and the other cometh in. They be- 
lieve the first, that saith the ball was over or 
under the line. The waters are the heats that 
the players take till they sweat again. The 
cords of the rackets are made of the guts of 
sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is the 
tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is 
done, they refresh themselves before a clear 
fire, and change their shirts; and very willing- 
ly they make all good cheer, but most merrily 
those that have gained. And so, farewell. 



BOOK TWO 



PANTAGRUEL, KING OF THE DIPSODES, WITH HIS HEROIC 
ACTS AND PROWESSES, COMPOSED BY M. ALCOFRIBAS 



THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 



MOST illustrious and thrice valorous cham- 
pions, gentlemen, and others, who willingly 
apply your minds to the entertainment of 
pretty conceits, and honest harmless knacks 
of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and 
understood the great and inestimable Chron- 
icle of the huge and mighty giant Gargantua, 
and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly be- 
lieved all to be true that is contained in them, 
and have very often passed your time with 
them amongst honourable ladies and gentle- 
women, telling them fair long stories, when 
you were out of all other talk, for which you 
are worthy of great praise and sempiternal 
memory. And I do heartily wish that every 
man would lay aside his own business, med- 
dle no more with his profession nor trade, and 
throw all affairs concerning himself behind 
his back, to attend this wholly, without dis- 
tracting or troubling his mind with any thing 
else, until he have learned them without 
book; that if by chance the art of printing 
should cease, or in case that in time to come 
all books should perish, every man might 
truly teach them unto his children, and de- 
liver them over to his successors and survivors 
from hand to hand, as a religious cabala; for 
there is in it more profit, than a rabble of 
great pocky loggerheads are able to discern, 
who surely understand far less in these little 
merriments, than the fool Raclet did in the In- 
stitutions of Justinian. 

I have known great and mighty lords, and 
of those not a few, who, going a deer-hunting, 
or a hawking after wild ducks, when the 
chase had not encountered with the blinks, 
that were cast in her way to retard her course, 
or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly 
fly without moving her wings, perceiving the 
prey, by force of flight, to have gained 
bounds of her, have been much chafed and 
vexed, as you understand well enough; but 



68 



the comfort unto which they had refuge, and 
that they might not take cold, was to relate 
the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua. 
There are others in the world, these are no 
flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub, who, be- 
ing much troubled with the toothache, after 
they had spent their goods upon physicians, 
without receiving at all any ease of their pain, 
have found no more ready remedy than to 
put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of 
linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply 
them to the place that smarteth, synapisiiig 
them with a little powder of projection, oth- 
erwise called floribns. 1 

But what shall I say of those poor men that 
are plagued with the pox and the gout? O 
how often have we seen them, even immedi- 
ately after they were anointed and thorough- 
ly greased, till their faces did glister like the 
key-hole of a powdering tub, their teeth 
dance like the jacks of a pair of little organs 
or virginals, when they are played upon, and 
that they foamed from their very throats like 
a boar, which the mongrel mastiff hounds 
have driven in, and overthrown amongst the 
toils, what did they then? All their consola- 
tion was to have some page of the said jolly 
book read unto them. And we have seen those 
who have given themselves to a hundred 
puncheons of old devils, in case that they did 
not feel a manifest ease and assuagement of 
pain at the hearing of the said book read, 
even when they were kept in a purgatory of 
torment; no more nor less than women in tra- 
vail use to find their sorrow abated, when the 
life of St. Margarite is read unto them. Is this 
nothing? Find me a book in any language, in 
any faculty or science whatsoever, that hath 
such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, 
and I will be content to pay you a quart of 
tripes. No, my masters, no, it is peerless, in- 
comparable, and not to be matched; and this 



PROLOGUE 



69 



am I resolved for ever to maintain even unto 
the fire exclusive? And those that will perti- 
naciously hold the contrary opinion, let them 
be accounted abuscrs, predcstinators, impos- 
tors, and seducers of the people. It is very 
true, that there are found in some gallant and 
stately books, worthy of high estimation, cer- 
tain occult and hid properties; in the number 
of which are reckoned Whippet, Orlando 
Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William 
without Fear, Huon of Bourdeaux, Monte- 
ville, and Matabrune: but they are not com- 
parable to that which we speak of, and the 
world hath well known by infallible experi- 
ence the great emolument and utility which 
it hath received by this Gargantuine Chroni- 
cle; for the printers have sold more of them in 
two months' time, than there will be bought 
of Bibles in nine years. 

I therefore, your humble slave, being very 
willing to increase your solace and recreation 
yet a little more, do offer you for a present 
another book of the same stamp, only that it 
is a little more reasonable and worthy of 
credit than the other was. For think not, un- 
less you wilfully err against your knowledge, 
that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law. I 
was not born under such a planet, neither did 



it ever befal me to lie, or affirm a thing for 
true that was not. I speak of it like a lusty 
frolic Onocrotarie, I should say Crotenotarie 
of the martyrised lovers, and Croquenotarie 
of love. Quod vidimus testamur. 3 It is of the 
horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of 
Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have 
been ever since I was a page, till this hour, 
that by his leave I am permitted to visit rny 
cow-country, and to know if any of my kin- 
dred there be alive. 

And thciefore, to make an end of this Pro- 
logue, even as I give myself to an hundred 
thousand panniers-full of fair devils, body 
and soul, tripes and guts, in case that I lie so 
much as one single word in this whole his- 
tory; after the like manner, St. Anthony's fire 
burn you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the 
squinance with a stitch in your side, and the 
wolf in your stomach truss you, the bloody 
flux seizo upon you, the cursed sharp inflam- 
mations of wild fire, as slender and thin as 
cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver, en- 
ter into your fundament, and like those of 
Sodom and Gomorrha, may you fall into sul- 
phur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do 
not firmly believe all that I shall relate unto 
you in this present Chronicle. 



CHAPTER 1 

Of the original and antiquity of the great 
Pantagruel 

IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, 
seeing we are at leisure, to put you in mind 
of the fountain and original source, whence is 
derived unto us the good Pantagruel. For I 
see that all good historiographers have thus 
handled their chronicles, not only the Arabi- 
ans, Barbarians, and Latins, but also the gen- 
tle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You 
must therefore remark, that at the beginning 
of the world, I speak of a long time, it is 
above forty quarantains, or forty times forty 
nights, according to the supputation of the 
ancient Druids, a little after that Abel was 
killed by his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued 
with the blood of the just, was one year so ex- 
ceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usu- 
ally produces to us, and especially in med- 
lars, that ever since, throughout all ages, it 
hath been called the year of the great med- 



lars; for three of them did fill a bushel. In it 
the Calends were found by the Grecian al- 
manacks. There was that year nothing of the 
month of March in the time of Lent, and the 
middle of August was in May. In the month 
of October, as I take it, or at least September, 
that I may not err, for I will carefully take 
heed of that, was the week so famous in the 
Annals, which they call the week of the three 
Thursdays; for it had three of them by means 
of their irregular leap-years, called Bissex- 
tiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped 
and stumbled" a little towards the left hand, 
like a debtor afraid of Serjeants, coming right 
upon him to arrest him: and the moon varied 
from her course above five fathom, and there 
was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation 
in the firmament of the fixed stars, called Ap- 
lanes, so that the middle Pleiade, leaving her 
fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, 
and the star named Spica left the constella- 
tion of the Virgin to withdraw herself to- 
wards the Balance, known by the name of 



70 



RABELAIS 



Libra; which are cases very terrible, and mat- 
ters so hard and difficult, that astrologians 
cannot set their teeth in them; and indeed 
their teeth had been pretty long if they could 
have reached thither. 

However, account you it for a truth, that 
every body did most heartily eat of those 
medlars, for they were fair to the eye, and in 
taste delicious. But even as Noah, that holy 
man, to whom we are so much beholding, 
bound, and obliged, for that he planted to us 
the vine, from whence we have that nectari- 
an, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and 
deific liquor, which they call plot or tiplage, 
was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was 
ignorant of the great virtue and power there- 
of; so likewise the men and women of that 
time did delight much in the eating of that 
fair great fruit, but divers and very different 
accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell 
upon them all in their bodies a most terrible 
swelling, but not upon all in the same place, 
for some were swollen in the belly, and their 
belly strouted out big like a great tun; of 
whom it is written Ventrem omnipotentem;* 
who were all very honest men, and merry 
blades. And of this race came St. Fatgulch, 
and Shrove-Tuesday. Others did swell at the 
shoulders, who in that place were so crump 
and knobby, that they were therefore called 
Montifers, which is as much as to say Hill- 
carriers, of whom you see some yet in the 
world, of divers sexes and degrees. Of this 
race came yEsop, some of whose excellent 
words and deeds you have in writing. Some 
other puffs did swell in length by the mem- 
ber, which they call the labourer of nature, in 
such sort that it grew marvellous long, fat, 
great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the 
antique fashion, so that they made use of it 
as of a girdle, winding it five or six times 
about their waist: but if it happened the 
aforesaid member to be in good case, spoom- 
ing with a full sail, bunt fair before the wind, 
then to have seen those strouting champions, 
you would have taken them for men that had 
their lances settled on their rest, to run at the 
ring or tilting whintam [quintain]. Of these, 
believe me, the race is utterly lost and quite 
extinct, as the women say; for they do lament 
continually, that there are none extant now 
of those great, &c. You know the rest of the 
song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so 
enormously, that three of them would well fill 
a sack, able to contain five quarters of wheat. 



From them are descended the ballocks of 
Lorraine, which never dwell in codpieces 
but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. 
Others grew in the legs, and to see them you 
would have said they had been cranes, or 
the reddish-long-billed-stork-like-scrank-lcg- 
ged sea-fowls, called flamans, or else men 
walking upon stilts or scatches. The little 
grammar schoolboys, known by the name of 
Grimes, called those leg-grown slangarns, 
iambics, in allusion to the French word Jam- 
be, which signifieth a leg. In others, their nose 
did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of 
a limbeck, in every part thereof most various- 
ly diapered with the twinkling sparkles of 
crimson-blisters budding forth, and purpled 
with pimples all enamelled with thick-set 
wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with 
gules : and such have you seen the canon, or 
prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot the phy- 
sician of Angiers. Of which race there were 
few that liked the ptisane, but all of them 
were perfect lovers of the pure septembral 
juice. Naso and Ovid had their extraction 
from thence, and all those of whom it is writ- 
ten, Ne reminiscaris.' 1 Others grew in ears, 
which they had so big, that out of one would 
have been stuff enough got to make a dou- 
blet, a pair of breeches, and a jacket, whilst 
with the other they might have covered 
themselves as with a Spanish cloak; and 
they say, that in Bourbonnois this race re- 
maineth yet. Others grew in length of body, 
and of those came the giants, and of them 
Pantagruel. 

And the first was Chalbroth, 

Who begat Sarabroth, 

Who begat Faribroth, 

Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of 
pottage, and reigned in the time of the 
flood; 

Who begat Nembroth, 

Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept 
the sky from falling; 

Who begat Goliah, 

Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus-po- 
cus plays of legerdemain, 

Who begat Titius, 

Who begat Eryon, 

Who begat Polyphemus, 

Who begat Cacus, 

Who begat Etion, the first man who ever had 
the pox, for not drinking fresh in summer 
as Bartachin witnesseth; 



PANTAGRUEL 



71 



Who begat Enceladus, 

Who begat Ceus, 

Who begat Tiphoeus, 

Who begat Aloeus, 

Who begat Othus, 

Who begat >Egeon, 

Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred 
hands; 

Who begat Porphyrio, 

Who begat Adamastor, 

Who begat Anteus, 

Who begat Agatho, 

Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alex- 
ander the Great; 

Who begat Aranthas, 

Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inven- 
tor of the drinking of healths; 

Who begat Goliah of Secondille, 

Who begat Offot, that was terribly well 
nosed for drinking at the barrelhead; 

Who begat Artachreus, 

Who begat Oromedon, 

Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of 
Poulan shoes, which are open on the foot, 
and tied over the instep with a latchet; 

Who begat Sisyphus, 

Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was 
born, 

Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that 
ever was, in matter of taking the little 
worms ( called cirons) out of the hands; 

Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished 
by Oliver, Peer of France, and Roland's 
camerad; 

Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that 
played at dice with spectacles; 

Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coc- 
caius hath written, of him was born Fer- 
ragus; 

Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever in- 
vented the drying of neats* tongues in the 
chimney; for, before that, people salted 
them, as they do now gammons of bacon; 

Who begat Bolivorax, 

Who begat Longis, 

Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of 
popular, and his pendulum of the servise, 
or sorb-apple tree; 

Who begat Maschefain, 

Who begat Bruslefer, 

Who begat Angoulevent, 

Who begat Galehault, the inventor of 
flagons; 

Who begat Mirelangaut, 

Who begat Galaffre, 



Who begat Falourdin, 

Who begat Roboast, 

Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbrcs, 

Who begat Brushant of Mommiere, 

Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by 

Ogier the Dane, Peer of France; 
Who begat Mabrun, 
Who begat Foustanon, 
Who begat Haquelebac, 
Who begat Vitdegrain, 
Who begat Grangousier, 
Who begat Gargantua, 
Who begat the noble Pantagruel my 

master. 

I know that reading this passage, you will 
make a doubt within yourselves, and that 
grounded upon very good reasons, which is 
this, how is it possible that this relation can 
be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the 
world was destroyed, except Noah, and seven 
persons more with him in the ark, into whose 
number Hurtali is not admitted? Doubtless 
the demand is well made, and very apparent, 
but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is 
not rightly caulked. And, because I was not 
at that time to tell you any thing of my own 
fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of 
the Massorets, good honest fellows, true bal- 
lockecring blades, and exact Hebraical bag- 
pipers, who affirm, that verily the said Hurtali 
was not within the ark of Noah, neither could 
he get in, for he was too big, but he sat 
astride upon it, with one leg on the one side, 
and another on the other, as little children 
use to do on their woodenhorses: or as the 
great bull of Berne, which was killed at Ma- 
rinian did ride for his hackney the great mur- 
dering piece called the Ganonpevier, a pretty 
beast of a fair and pleasant amble without 
all question. 

In that posture, he, after God, saved the 
said ark from danger, for with his legs he 
gave it the brangle that was needful, and 
with his foot turned it whither he pleased, as 
a ship answeYeth her rudder. Those that were 
within sent him up victuals in abundance by 
a chimney, as people very thankfully ac- 
knowledging the good that he did them. And 
sometimes they did talk together as Icaro- 
menippus did to Jupiter, according to the re- 
port of Lucian. Have you understood all this 
well? Drink then one good draught without 
water, for if you believe it not; no truly do I 
not, quoth she. 



72 



RABELAIS 



CHAPTER 2 



Of the Nativity of the most dread and re- 
doubted Pantagruel 

GARGANTUA at the age of four hundred four- 
score forty and four years begat his son Pan- 
tagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, 
daughter to the king of the Amaurots in 
Utopia, who died in child-birth; for he was so 
wonderfully great and lumpish, that he could 
not possibly come forth in the light of the 
world without thus suffocating his mother. 
But that we may fully understand the cause 
and reason of the name of Pantagruel, which 
at his baptism was given him, you are to re- 
mark that in that year there was so great 
drought over all the country of Africa, that 
there past thirty and six months, three weeks, 
four days, thirteen hours, and a little more, 
without rain, but with a heat so vehement, 
that the whole earth was parched and with- 
ered by it. Neither was it more scorched and 
dried up with heat in the days of Elijah, than 
it was at that time; for there was not a tree to 
be seen, that had either leaf or bloom upon it. 
The grass was without verdure or greenness, 
the rivers were drained, the fountains dried 
up, the poor fishes abandoned and forsaken 
by their proper element, wandering and cry- 
ing upon the ground most horribly. The birds 
did fall down from the air for want of mois- 
ture and dew, wherewith to refresh them. 
The wolves, foxes, harts, wild-boars, fallow- 
deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers, 
and other such beasts, were found dead in the 
fields with their mouths open. In respect of 
men, there was the pity, you should have seen 
them lay out their tongues like hares that 
have been run six hours. Many did throw 
themselves into the wells. Others entered 
within a cow's belly to be in the shade; those 
Homer calls Alibantes. G All the country was 
idle, and could do no virtue. It was a most 
lamentable case to have seen the labour of 
mortals in defending themselves from the ve- 
hemency of this horrific drought; for they had 
work enough to do to save the holy water in 
the churches from being wasted; but there 
was such order taken by the counsel of my 
Lords the Cardinals, and of our holy Father, 
that none did dare to take above one lick. 
Yet, when any one came into the church, you 
should have seen above twenty poor thirsty 
fellows hang upon him that was the distribu- 
tor of the water, and that with a wide open 
throat, gaping for one little drop, like the rich 



glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest any- 
thing should be lost. O how happy was he in 
that year, who had a cool cellar under 
ground, well plenished with fresh wine! 

The philosopher reports in moving the 
question, Wherefore is it that the sea-water 
is salt? that at the time when Phoebus gave 
the government of his resplendent chariot to 
his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in 
the art, and not knowing how to keep the 
ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics of the lati- 
tude of the sun's course, strayed out of his 
way, and came so near the earth, that he dried 
up all the countries that were under it, burn- 
ing a great part of the heavens, which the 
philosophers call the via lactea, 7 and the huff- 
snuffs, St. Jamcs's-way; although the most 
coped, lofty, and high-crested poets affirm 
that to be the place where Juno's milk fell, 
when she gave suck to Hercules. The earth at 
that time was so excessively heated, that it 
fell into an enormous sweat, yea such a one as 
made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore 
salt, because all sweat is salt; and this you 
cannot but confess to be true, if you will taste 
of your own, or of those that have the pox, 
when they are put into sweating, it is all one 
to me. 

Just such another case fell out this same 
year: for on a certain Friday, when the whole 
people were bent upon their devotions, and 
had made goodly processions, with store of li- 
tanies, and fair preachings, and beseeching 
of God Almighty, to look down with his eye of 
mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate 
condition, there was even then visibly seen 
issue out of the ground great drops of water, 
such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top 
sweat, and the poor hoydons began to rejoice, 
as if it had been a thing very profitable unto 
them; for some said that there was not one 
drop of moisture in the air, whence they 
might have any rain, and that the earth did 
supply the default of that. Other learned men 
said, that it was a shower of the Antipodes, as 
Seneca saith in his fourth book Qusestionum 
naturalium, speaking of the source and spring 
of Niltis. But they were deceived; for, the pro- 
cession being ended, when every one went 
about to gather of this dew, and to drink of it 
with full bowls, they found that it was noth- 
ing but pickle, and the very brine of salt, more 
brackish in taste than the saltest water of the 
sea. And because in that very day Pantagruel 
was born, his father gave him that name; for 
Panta in Greek is as much as to say all, and 



PANTAGRUEL 



73 



Gruel, in the Hagarene language, doth signi- 
fy thirsty; inferring thereby, that at his birth 
the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as 
likewise foreseeing that he would be some day 
supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty 
thrapples, which was shown to him at that 
very same hour by a more evident sign. For 
when his mother Badebec was in the bring- 
ing of him forth, and that the midwives did 
wait to receive him, there came first out of 
her belly three score and eight tregeneers, 
that is, salt-sellers, every one of them leading 
in a halter, a mule heavy laden with salt; after 
whom issued forth nine dromedaries, with 
great loads of gammons of bacon, and dried 
neats' tongues on their backs. Then followed 
seven camels loaded with links and chitter- 
lings, hogs' puddings, and sausages. After 
them came out five great wains, full of leeks, 
garlick, onions, and chibots, drawn with five- 
and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six 
for every one besides the thiller. At the sight 
hereof the said midwives were much amazed; 
yet some of them said, Lo, here is good pro- 
vision, and indeed, we need it; for we drink 
but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutch- 
es, and not lustily like Lansman Dutches. 
Truly this is a good .sign, there is nothing here 
but what is fit for us, these are the spurs of 
wine that set it a-going. As they were tattling 
thus together after their own manner of chat, 
behold, out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a 
bear, whereupon one of them inspired with a 
prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible 
fellow, he is born with all his hair, he is un- 
doubtedly to do wonderful things, and, if he 
live, he shall have age. 

CHAPTER 3 

Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved 
at the decease of his Wife Badebec 

WHEN Pantagruel was born, there was none 
more astonished and perplexed than was his 
father Gargaritua; for, of the one side, seeing 
his wife Badebec dead, and on the other side 
his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, 
he knew not what to say, nor what to do. And 
the doubt that troubled his brain was to know 
whether he should cry for the death of his 
wife, or laugh for the joy of his son. He was 
hinc and inde* choaked with sophistical argu- 
ments, for he framed them very well in modo 
et figura? but he could not resolve them, re- 
maining pestered and entangled by this 
means, like a mouse caught in a trap, or kite 



snared in a gin. Shall I weep, said he? Yes, for 
why? My so good wife is dead, who was the 
most this, the most that, that was ever in the 
world. Never shall I see her, never shall I re- 
cover such another, it is unto me an inestima- 
ble loss! O my good God, what had I done 
that thou shouldest thus punish me? Why 
didst thou not take me away before her? See- 
ing for me to live without her is but to lan- 
guish. Ah Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my 
dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, 
my little coney, yet it had in circumference 
full six acres, three rods, five poles, four 
yards, two feet, one inch and a half of good 
woodland measure, my tender peggy, my 
codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slip- 
shoe-lovie, never shall I see thee! Ah, poor 
Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, 
thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady! O 
false death, how injurious and despiteful hast 
thou been to me! How malicious and outra- 
geous have I found thee in taking her from 
me, my well-beloved wife, to whom immor- 
tality did of: right belong! 

With these words he did cry like a cow; but 
on a sudden fell a laughing like a calf, when 
Pantagruel came into his mind. Ha, my little 
son, said he, my childilolly, fecllifondy, dan- 
dlichucky, my ballocky, rny pretty rogue! O 
how jolly thou art, and how much I am bound 
to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to 
bestow on me a son, so fair, so spritcful, so 
lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle! 
Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am! Let us drink, 
ho, and put away melancholy! Bring of the 
best, rinse the glasses, lay the cloth, drive out 
these dogs, blow this fire, light candles, shut 
that door there, cut this bread in sippets for 
brewis, send away these poor folks in giving 
them what they ask, hold my gown. I will 
strip myself into my doublet, (en cucrpo,) to 
make the gossips merry, and keep them com- 
pany. 

As he spake this, he heard the litanies and 
the mementos of the priests that carried his 
wife to be liuried, upon which he left the 
good purpose he was in, and was suddenly 
ravished another way, saying, Lord God, must 
I again centrist myself? This grieves me. I 
am no longer young, I grow old, the weather 
is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, 
then shall I be foiled, if not quite undone. By 
the faith of a gentleman, it were better to cry 
less, and drink more. My wife is dead, well, 
by G , (da jnrandi) ]() I shall not raise her 
again by my crying: she is well, she is in 



74 



RABELAIS 



Paradise, at least, if she be no higher: she 
prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she is 
above the sense of our miseries, nor can our 
calamities reach her. What though she be 
dead, must not we also die? The same debt 
which she hath paid, hangs over our heads; 
nature will require it of us, and we must all of 
us some day taste of the same sauce. Let her 
pass then, and the Lord preserve the survi- 
vors; for I must now cast about how to get an- 
other wife. But I will tell you what you shall 
do, said he to the mid wives; in France called 
wise women (where be they? good folks, I 
cannot see them ) . Go you to my wife's inter- 
ment, and I will the while rock my son; for I 
find myself somewhat altered and distem- 
pered, and should otherwise be in danger of 
falling sick; but drink one draught first, you 
will be the better for it, believe me upon mine 
honour. They at his request went to her bur- 
ial and funeral obsequies. In the meanwhile 
poor Gargantua, staying at home, and willing 
to have somewhat in remembrance of her to 
be engraven upon her tomb, made this epi- 
taph, in the manner as f olloweth : 

Dead is the noble Badebcc, 
Who had a face like a rebec; 
A Spanish body, and a belly 
Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye, 
In child-birth. Pray to God, that her 
He pardon wherein she did err. 
Here lies her body, which did live 
Free from all vice, as I believe, 
And did decease at my bed-side, 
The year and day in which she died. 

CHAPTER 4 



Of the Infancy of 

I FIND by the ancient historiographers and 
poets, that divers have been born in this 
world after very strange manners, which 
would be too long to repeat: read therefore 
the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so 
much leisure. Yet have you never heard of 
any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel; for it 
is a very difficult matter to believe, how, in 
the little time he was in his mother's belly, he 
grew both in body and strength. That which 
Hercules did was nothing when in his cradle 
he slew two serpents, for those serpents were 
but little and weak, but Pantagruel, being 
yet in the cradle, did far more admirable 
things, and more to be amazed at. I pass by 
here the relation of how at every one of his 



meals he supped up the milk of four thousand 
six hundred cows, and how, to make him a 
skillet to boil his milk in, there were set to 
work all the braziers of Saumure in Anjou, of 
Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in 
Lorraine. And they served in this whitepot- 
meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet 
to be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, 
near the palace, but his teeth were already so 
well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, 
that of the said bell he bit off a great morsel, 
as very plainly doth appear to this hour. 

One day in the morning, when they would 
have made him suck one of his cows, for he 
never had any other nurse, as the history tells 
us, he got one of his arms loose from the 
swaddling-bands, wherewith he was kept fast 
in the cradle, laid hold on the said cow under 
the left fore ham, and grasping her to him, 
ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with 
the liver and the kidneys, and had devoured 
all up, if she had not cried out most horribly, 
as if the wolves had held her by the legs, at 
which noise company came in, and took away 
the said cow from Pantagruel. Yet could they 
not so well do it, but that the quarter whereby 
he caught her was left in his hand, of which 
quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even 
with as much ease as you would eat a sau- 
sage, and that so greedily with desire of 
more, that, when they would have taken 
away the bone from him, he swallowed it 
down whole, as a cormorant would do a little 
fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to say, 
Good, good, good for he could not yet speak 
plain giving them to understand thereby, 
that he had found it very good, and that he 
did lack but so much more. Which when they 
saw that attended him, they bound him with 
great cable-ropes, like those that are made at 
Tain, for the carnage of salt to Lyons: or 
such as those arc, whereby the great French 
ship rides at anchor in the road of Newhaven 
in Normandy. But on a certain time, a great 
bear, which his father had bred, got loose, 
came towards him, began to lick his face, for 
his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his 
chaps, at which unexpected approach being 
on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid him- 
self of those great cables, as Samson did of 
the hawser ropes wherewith the Philistines 
had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up 
my lord the bear, and tears him to you in 
pieces like a pullet, which served him for a 
gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal. 

Whereupon Gargantua, fearful lest the 



PANTAGRUEL 



75 



child should hurt himself, caused four great 
chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so 
many strong wooden arches unto his cradle, 
most firmly stocked and morticed in huge 
frames. Of those chains you have got one at 
Rochelle, which they draw up at night be- 
twixt the two great towers of the haven. An- 
other is at Lyons, a third at Angiers, and 
the fourth was carried away by the devils to 
bind Lucifer, who broke his chains in those 
days, by reason of a cholic that did extraordi- 
narily torment him, taken with eating a Ser- 
jeant's soul fried for his breakfast. And there- 
fore you may believe that which Nicholas de 
Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter, 
where it is written, Et Og re gem Basan, 11 that 
the said Og, being yet little, was so strong 
and robustious, that they were fain to bind 
him with chains of iron in his cradle. Thus 
continued Pantagruel for a while very calm 
and quiet, for he was not able so easily to 
break those chains, especially having no room 
in the cradle to give a swing with his arms. 
But see what happened once upon a great 
holiday that his father Gargantua made a 
sumptuous banquet to all the princes of his 
court. I am apt to believe, that the menial of- 
ficers of the house were so imbusied in wait- 
ing each on his proper service at the feast, 
that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, 
who was left a reculorum, 12 behind-hand, all 
alone and as forsaken. What did he? Hark 
what he did, good people. He strove and es- 
sayed to break the chains of the cradle with 
his arms, but could not, for they were too 
strong for him. Then did he keep with his feet 
such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last 
he beat out the lower end of his cradle, which 
notwithstanding was made of a great post five 
foot in square; and, as soon as he had gotten 
out his feet, he slid down as well as he could 
till he had got his soles to the ground, and 
then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying 
his cradle upon his back, bound to him like a 
tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and, to 
have seen him you would have thought it had 
been a great carrick of five hundred ton upon 
one end. In this manner he entered into the 
great hall where they were banqueting, and 
that very boldly, which did much affright the 
company; yet, because his arms were tied in, 
he could not reach anything to eat, but with 
great pain stooped now and then a little, to 
take with the whole flat of his tongue some 
good lick, good bit, or morsel. Which when 
his father saw, he saw well enough that they 



had left him without giving him anything 
to eat, and therefore commanded that he 
should be loosed from the said chains, by the 
counsel of the princes and lords there pres- 
ent. Besides that, also, the physicians of Gar- 
gantua said, that, if they did thus keep him in 
the cradle, he would be all his life-time sub- 
ject to the stone. When he was unchained, 
they made him to sit down, where, after he 
had fed very well, he took his cradle, and 
broke it into more than five hundred thou- 
sand pieces with one blow of his fist, that he 
struck in the midst of it, swearing that he 
would never come into it again. 

CHAPTER 5 

Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his 
youthful age 

THUS grew Pantagruel from clay to day, and 
to every one's eye waxed more and more in all 
his dimensions, which made his father to re- 
joice by a natural affection. Therefore caused 
he to be made for him, whilst he was yet lit- 
tle, a pretty cross-bow, wherewith to shoot at 
small birds, which now they call the great 
cross-bow at Chantelle. Then he sent him to 
the school to learn, and to spend his youth in 
virtue. In the prosecution of which design he 
came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied 
and profited very much, he saw that the scho- 
lars were oftentimes at leisure, and knew not 
how to bestow their time, which moved him 
to take such compassion on them, that one 
day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called 
there Passelourclin, a huge great stone, of 
about twelve fathom square, and fourteen 
handfuls thick, and with great ease set it up- 
on four pillars in the midst of a field, to no 
other end, but that the said scholars, when 
they had nothing else to do, might pass their 
time in getting up on that stone, and feast it 
with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, 
and carve their names upon it with a knife; in 
token of which deed till this hour the stone is 
called the lifted stone. And in remembrance 
hereof there is none entered into the register 
and matricular book of the said university, or 
accounted capable of taking any degree 
therein, till he have first drunk in the Cabal- 
line fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passe- 
lourdin, and got up upon the lifted stone. 

Afterwards, reading the delectable Chron- 
icles of his Ancestors, he found that Geof- 
frey of Lusinian, called Geoffrey with the 
great tooth, grandfather to the cousin-in-law 



76 



RABELAIS 



of the eldest sister of the aunt of the son-in- 
law of the uncle of the good daughter of his 
stepmother, was interied at Maillezais; there- 
fore one day he took campos, (which is a lit- 
tle vacation from study to play a while, ) that 
he might give him a visit as unto an honest 
man. And going from Poictiers with some of 
his companions, they passed by Leguge, visit- 
ing the noble Abbot Arclillon: then by Lusig- 
nan, by Sansay, by Celles, By Colonges, by 
Fontenay le Comte, saluting the learned Tira- 
queau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais, 
where he went to see the sepulchre of the said 
Geoffrey with the great tooth; which made 
him somewhat afraid, looking upon the pic- 
ture, whose lively draughts did set him forth 
in the representation of a man in extreme 
fury, drawing his great Malchus faulchion 
half-way out of his scabbard. When the rea- 
son hereof was demanded, the canons of the 
said place told him, that there was no other 
cause of it, but that Pictoribus atcjue poctis, 
&c.; 13 that is to say, that painters and poets 
have liberty to paint and devise what they list 
after their own fancy. But he was not satisfied 
with their answer, and said, He is not thus 
painted without a cause, and I suspect that at 
his death there was some wrong done him, 
whereof he requireth his kindred to take re- 
venge. I will inquire further into it, and then 
do what shall be reasonable. Then he re- 
turned not to Poictiers, but would take a view 
of the other Universities of France. There- 
fore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and 
arrived at Bordeaux, where he found no great 
exercise, only now and then he would see 
some mariners and lightermen a wrestling on 
the quay or strand by the river side. From 
thence he came to Thoulouse, where he 
learned to dance very well, and to play with 
the two-handed swoi d, as the fashion of the 
scholars of the said University is to bestir 
themselves in games, whereof they may have 
their hands full: but he stayed not long there, 
when he saw that they did cause burn their 
regents alive, like red herrings, saying, Now 
God forbid that I should die this death! for I 
am by nature sufficiently dry already, with- 
out heating myself any further. 

He went then to Montpellier, where he 
met with the good wives of Mirevaux, and 
good jovial company withal, and thought to 
have set himself to the study of physic; but he 
considered that that calling was too trouble- 
some and melancholic, and that physicians 
did smell of glisters like old devils. Therefore 



he resolved he would study the laws; but see- 
ing that there were but three scauld, and one 
bald-pated legist in that place, he departed 
from thence, and in his way made the bridge 
of Guard, and the amphitheatre of Nismcs, in 
less than three hours, which nevertheless 
seems to be a more divine than human woik. 
After that he came to Avignon, where he was 
not above three days before he fell in love; 
for the women there take great delight in 
playing at the close-buttock game, because it 
is papal ground. Which his tutor and peda- 
gogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him 
out of that place, and brought him to Valence 
in the Dauphiny, where he saw no great mat- 
ter of recreation, only that the lubbarcls of the 
town did beat the scholars, which so incensed 
him with anger, that when, upon a certain 
very fair Sunday, the people being at their 
public dancing in the streets, and one of the 
scholars offering to put himself into the ring 
to partake of that sport, the foresaid lubberly 
fellows would not permit him the admittance 
into their society, he taking the scholar's part, 
so belaboured them with blows, and laid such 
load upon them, that he drove them all before 
him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, 
and would have there drowned them, but 
that they did squat to the ground like moles, 
and there lay close a full half league under 
the river. The hole is to be seen there yet. 

After that he departed from thence, and in 
three strides and one leap, came to Angiers, 
where he found himself very well, and would 
have continued there some space, but that the 
plague drove them away. So from thence he 
came to Bourgcs, where he studied a good 
long time, and profited very much in the fac- 
ulty of the laws, and would sometimes say, 
that the books of the civil law were like unto 
a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant 
robe of gold, edged with dirt; for in the world 
are no goodlier books to be seen, more ornate, 
nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pan- 
dects, but the bordering of them, that is to 
say, the gloss of Accursius, is so scurvy, vile, 
base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but 
filthiness and villany. 

Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, 
where he found store of swaggering scholars 
that made him great entertainment at his 
coming, and with whom he learned to play at 
tennis so well, that he was a master at that 
game. For the students of the said place make 
a prime exercise of it; and sometimes they 
carried him unto Cupid's houses of com- 



PANTAGRUEL 



77 



merce, (in that city termed islands, because 
of their being most ordinarily environed with 
other houses, arid not contiguous to any), 
there to recreate his person at the sport of 
poussevant, which the wenches of London 
call the ferkers in and in. As for breaking his 
head with over much study, he had an espe- 
cial care not to do it in any case, for fear of 
spoiling his eyes. Which he the rather ob- 
served, for that it was told him by one of his 
teachers, there called regents, that the pain of 
the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to 
the sight. For this cause when he one day was 
made a licentiate, or graduate in law, one of 
the scholars of his acquaintance, who of 
learning had not much more than his burden, 
though instead of that he could dance very 
well, and play at tennis, made the blazon and 
device of the licentiates in the said university, 
saying, 

So you have in your hand a racket, 
A tennis-ball in your cod-placket, 
A Pandect law in your cap's tippet, 
And that you have the skill to trip it 
In a low dance, you will be allowed 
The grant of the licentiate's hood. 

CHAPTER 6 

How Pantagruel met with a Limosin, who af- 
fected to speak in learned phrase 

UPON a certain day, I know not when, Panta- 
gruel walking after supper with some of his 
fellow-students without that gate of the city, 
through which we enter on the road to Paris, 
encountered with a young spruce-like scholar 
that was coming upon the very same way, 
and, after they had saluted one another, asked 
him thus, My friend, from whence comest 
thou now? The scholar answered him, From 
alme, inclyte and celebrate academy, which is 
vocitated Lutetia. What is the meaning of 
this? said Pantagruel to one of his men. It is, 
answered he, from Paris. Thou comest from 
Paris, then? said Pantagruel, and how do you 
spend your time there, you my masters the 
students of Paris? The scholar answered, We 
transfretate the Sequane at the dilucul and 
crepuscul: we deambulate by the compites 
and quadrives of the urb; we despumate the 
Latial verbocination; 14 and, like verisimilary 
amorabonds, we captat the benevolence of 
the omnijugal, omniform, and omnigenal 
foeminine sex. Upon certain diecules we in- 
visat the lupanares, and in a venerian ecstasy 



inculcate our vcretres into the penitissime re- 
cesses of the pudends of these amicabilissimes 
meretricules. Then do we cauponisate 15 in the 
meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, 
the Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly verve- 
cine spatules perforaminated with petrocile. 16 
And if by fortune there be rarity, or penury of 
pecune in our marsupies, 17 and that they be 
exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot 
we demit our codices, and oppignerat 18 our 
vestiments, whilst we prestolate 19 the coming 
of the Tabdlaries 20 from the penates and pa- 
triotic lares. To which Pantagruel answered, 
What devilish language is this? by the Lord, 
I think thou art some kind of heretic. My lord, 
no, said the scholar; for libentissimally, as 
soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the 
day, I demigrate into one of these so well 
architectcd minsters, and there, irrorating 
myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off 
little parcels of some missic precation of our 
sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary 
prccules, I elave and absterge my animc from 
its nocturnal inquinations. I revere the olym- 
picols. I latrially venere the supernal astripo- 
tent. I dilige and redame my proxims. I ob- 
serve the decalogical precepts, and, accord- 
ing to the f acultatule of my vires, I do not dis- 
cede from them one late unguicule. Never- 
theless it is verifoi m, that because Mammona 
doth not supergurgitate anything in my lo- 
culs, that I am somewhat rare and lent to su- 
pererogate the elemosynes to those egents, 
that hostially queritate their stipe. 21 

Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this 
fool mean to say? I think he is upon the forg- 
ing of some diabolical tongue, and that en- 
chanter-like he would charm us. To whom 
one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this 
fellow would counterfeit the language of the 
Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin, 
imagining by so doing that he doth highly 
Pindarize it in most eloquent terms, and 
strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a 
great orator in the French, because he dis- 
daineth the common manner of speaking. To 
which Pantagruel said, It is true. The scholar 
answered, My worshipful lord, my genie is 
not apt nate to that which this flagitious nebu- 
lon saith, to excoriate the cuticle of our ver- 
nacular Gallic, but viceversally I gnave opere, 
and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it 
with the Latinicome redundance. 22 By G , 
said Pantagruel, I will teach you to speak. But 
first come hither, and tell me whence thou 
art? To this the scholar answered, The pri- 



78 



RABELAIS 



meval origin of my aves and ataves was indi- 
genary of the Lemovick regions, where re- 
quiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St. Mar- 
tial. 23 I understand thee very well, said Panta- 
gruel. When all comes to all, thou art a Limo- 
sin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech 
counterfeit the Parisians. Well now, come 
hither, I must show thee a new trick, and 
handsomely give thee the combfeat. With this 
he took him by the throat, saying to him, 
Thou flayest the Latin,-by St. John, I will 
make thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee 
alive. Then began the poor Limosin to cry, 
Haw, gwid Maaster, haw, Laorcl, my halp 
and St. Marshaw, haw, I'm worried. Haw, my 
thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck! Haw, 
for Gaud's seek, lawt my lean, Maaster; waw, 
waw, waw. Now, said Pantagruel, thou speak- 
est naturally, and so let him go, for the poor 
Limosin had totally bewrayed and thorough- 
ly conshit his breeches, which were not deep 
and large enough, but round strait cannoined 
gregs, having in the seat a piece like a keel- 
ing's tail, and therefore in French called, de 
chausses a queue de merlus. Then, said Pan- 
tagruel, St. Alipantin, what civette! Fie! to 
the devil with this turnip-eater, How he 
stinks! and so let him go. But this hug of Pan- 
tagruel's was such a terror to him all the days 
of his life, and took such deep impression in 
his fancy, that very often, distracted with 
sudden affrightments, he would startle and 
say that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Be- 
sides that it procured him a continual drought 
and desire to drink, so that after some few 
years he died of the death Roland, in plain 
English called thirst, a work of divine ven- 
geance, showing us that which saith the phi- 
losopher, and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh 
us to speak according to the common lan- 
guage; and that we should, as said Octavian 
Augustus, strive to shun all strange and un- 
known words with as much needfulness and 
circumspection, as pilots of ships use to avoid 
the rocks and banks in the sea. 



CHAPTER 7 

How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the 
choice books of the Library of St. Victor 

AFTER that Pantagruel had studied very well 
at Orleans, he resolved to see the great Uni- 
versity at Paris; but, before his departure, he 
was informed, that there was a huge big bell 
at St. Anian, in the said town of Orleans, un- 



der the ground, which had been there above 
two hundred and fourteen years, for it was 
so great that they could not by any device get 
it so much as above the ground, although 
they used all the means that are found in Vit- 
ruvius De Architectura, Albertus De Re M- 
dificatoria, Euclid, Theon, Archimedes, and 
Hero De Ingeniis: for all that was to no pur- 
pose. Wherefore, condescending heartily to 
the humble request of the citizens and inhab- 
itants of the said town, he determined to re- 
move it to the tower that was erected for it. 
With that he came to the place where it was, 
and lifted it out of the ground with his little 
finger, as easily as you would have done a 
hawk's bell, or bell-weather's tingle tangle; 
but, before he would carry it to the foresaid 
tower or steeple appointed for it, he would 
needs make some music with it about the 
town, and ring it along all the streets, as he 
carried it in his hand, wherewith all the peo- 
ple were very glad. But there happened one 
great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, 
and ringing it about the streets, all the good 
Orleans wine turned instantly, waxed flat, 
and was spoiled, which nobody there did 
perceive till the night following; for every 
man found himself so altered, and a-day 
with drinking these flat wines, that they did 
nothing but spit, and that as white as Maltha 
cotton, saying, We have got the Pantagruel, 
and our very throats are salted. This done, he 
came to Paris with his retinue. And at his en- 
try every one came out to see him as you 
know well enough, that the people of Paris is 
sottish by nature, by B flat, and B sharp, 
and beheld him with great astonishment, 
mixed with no less fear, that he would carry 
away the palace into some other country a re- 
mot is and far from them, as his father for- 
merly had done the great peal bells at Our 
Lady's church, to tie about his mare's neck. 
Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, 
and studied very well in all the seven liberal 
arts, he said it was a good town to live in, but 
not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues 
of St. Innocent used in frosty nights to warm 
their bums with dead men's bones. In his 
abode there he found the library of St. Victor, 
a very stately and magnificent one, especially 
in some books which were there, of which 
followeth the Repertory and Catalogue, Et 
primo: 

The two-horse tumbrel of Salvation. 
The Codpiece of the Law. 



PANTAGRUEL 



79 



The Slippers or Pantofles of the Decretals. 
The Pomegranate of Vice. 
The Clew-bottom of Theology. 
The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, com- 
posed by Turlupin. 
The Churning Ballock of the Valiant. 
The Henbane of the Bishops. 
Marmotretus De baboonis et apis, cum Com- 

mento Dorbellis. 
Dccrctnm Uniuersitatis Parisiensis super Gor- 

giasitate Muliercularum ad Placitum* 5 
The Apparition of Sanct Geltrude to a Nun 

of Poissy, being in travail, at the bringing 

forth of a child. 
Ars Honeste Fartandi in Societate per Mar- 

cum Ortuinum. 
The Mustard-pot of Penance. 
The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience. 
Formicorium Artium. 27 
De brodiorum Usu, et llonestatc Chopinan- 

di, per Sylvcstrem Prioratem Jacobhuim. 
The Cuckold in Court. 
The Frail of the Scriveners. 
The Marriage-packet. 
The Crucible of Contemplation. 
The Flimflams of the Law. 
The Goad of Wine. 
The Spur of Cheese. 
Decrotatorium Schohirium. 29 
Tartar etus De Modo Cacandi. 
The Bravados of Rome. 
Bricot De Differentiis Browsarum. 31 
The Tail-piece-Cushion, or Close-breech of 



The Cobbled Shoe of Humility. 

The Trivet of good Thoughts. 

The Kettle of Magnanimity. 

The Cavilling Intanglements of Confessors. 

The Curate's rap over the Knuckles. 

Revcrendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis 

Bavardiae, De gulpendis Lardslicionibus, 

libri tres. zz 
Pasquflli Doctoris Marmorei, De Capreolis 

cum Artichoketa Comedendis tempore Pa- 

pali ab Ecclesia interdicto. 
The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated 

by six wily Priests. 

The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome. 
Majoris De Modo Faciendi Puddinos. 
The Bagpipe of the Prelates. 
Beda De Optimitate Triparum* 5 
The Complaint of the Barristers upon the re- 
formation of Comfites. 
The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attor- 

nics. 
Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commcnto. 



The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the 
Indulgences. 

Prxclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Mais- 
tre Pillotti, &c., Scrapfarthingi De Botch- 
andis GJossx Accursianss Triflis Repctitio 
Enucidiluculidissima. 36 

Stratagcmata Francharchieri de Baniolct. 37 

Franctopinus or Churlbumpkinus, DC Re 
Militari cum Figuris Tevoti. 3 * 

De Usu et Utilitate Flayandi Equos ct Equas, 
authorc Magistro nostro de Qnebccu 39 

The Sauciness of Country-Stewards. 

M. N. Rostocostojambedancsse De Mustarda 
Post Prandium Servienda* libri quatuordc- 
cim, apostilati per M. Vaurillonis. 

The Couillagc or Wench-tribute of Promo- 
ters. 

]abolenus DC Cosmograpliia Purgatorii. 41 

Quwstio Subtilissima, utrum Chimoera in vac- 
uo bombinans possit comedcre sccundas 
intentiones; et fuit dcbatuta per decern 
hebdomadas in Consilio Constanticnsi. 42 

The Bridle-champer of the Advocates. 

Smulchndlamenta Scoti. 43 

The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Car- 
dinals. 

De Calcaribus Removcndis, Decades undc- 
cim, per M. Albericum de Rosata." 

Ejusdem De Castrametandis Crimimbus libri 
trcs. 45 

The entrance of Anthony de Leve into the 
territories of Brazil. 

Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romx, De Pec- 
landis aut Unskinnandis Blurrandisque 
Cardinalium Midis. 46 

The said Author's Apology against those who 
allege that the Pope's mule doth eat but at 
set times. 

Prognosticatio qmc incipit, Silvii Trujuebille, 
balata per M. N., 41 the deep dreaming gull 
Sion, 

Boudarini Episcopi De Emnlgentiarum Pro- 
fectibus Enneades novem, cum privilcgio 
Papali ad tricnnium, et postea non. 48 

The Shitabrenna of the Maids. 

The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Wid- 
ows. 

The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks. 

The Mumbling Devotion of the Ccelestine 
Friars. 

The Passage-toll of Beggarliness. 

The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubber- 
ly Lusks. 

The Paring-shovel of the Theologues. 

The Drenching-horn of the Masters of 
Arts. 



80 



RABELAIS 



The scullions of Olcam the Uninitiated 

Clerk. 
Mdgistri N. Lickdishetis, DC Garbellisifta- 

tionihns Iloramm Canouicarnm, libri qua- 

dragintd. 
Arsiversitdtorhnn Confratrinruni, incerto au- 

thored 
The Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous 

Feeders. 
The Rammishness of the Spaniards superco- 

quelicanticked by Friar Inigo. 
The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches. 
Dastardixmus Rerum Jtdlicdnim, autliore 

Aldgistw BurnegadJ' 1 
R. Lullius De Batisfoldgiis Principum/' 2 
Calibistratorium Cdffardite, authors M. ]a- 

cobo Hocxtrdten liereticometra. 
Codtickler, De Mdgistro nostrandontm Md- 

gistro nostrdtorumque Beuvetis, libri octo 

gdldntiswmi. 
The Crackarad(\s of Bullists or stone-throw- 

ing Engines, Contrepate Clerks, Scriven- 

ers, Brief- writers, Rapporters, and Papal 

Bull-tle-spatchers, lately compiled by Re- 

gis. 
A perpetual Almanack for those that have the 

gout and the pox. 
Mancra sweepandi fornaccllox per Mag. Ec- 



The Shable, or Scimetar of Merchants. 
The Pleasures of the Monachal Life. 
The Hodge-podge of Hypocrites. 
The History of the Hobgoblins. 
The Ragamuffianism of the pensionary 

maimed soldiers. 
The Culling Fibs and counterfeit Shows of 

Commissaries. 
The Litter of Treasurers. 
The JitgUngatorium of Sophisters. 
Antipericdtdnietdndpdrbeugeddmphicribra- 

tiones Toordicanlinm. 
The Periwinkle of Ballard-makers. 
The Push-forward of the Alchemists. 
The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded 

Seekers, by Friar Blindfastatis. 
The Shackles of Religion. 
The Racket of Swaggerers. 
The Leaning-stock of old age. 
The Muzzle of Nobility. 
The Ape's Pdternoster. 
The Crickets and Hawks bells of Devotion. 
The Pot of the Ember weeks. 
The Mortar of the politic life. 
The Flap of the Hermits. 
The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Peniten- 
tiaries. 



The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars. 

Blockheadodus, De vita et honestate braga* 
dochionun. 

Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lu- 
poldum. 57 

The Carrier-horse bells of Travellers. 

The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops. 

Tdrrdbalationes Doctorum Coloniensium ad- 
versns Reuchlin.^ 

The Cymbals of Ladies. 

The Dungers' Martingale. 

Whirlingfriskorum Cluisemarkerorum per 
Fratrem Crdcktvoodlogtwtis. 

The Clouted Patches for a Stout Heart. 

The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin- 
good-fellows. 

Cerson, De Auferibilitdte Paprv db Ecclesia. 

The Catalogue of the Nominated and Gradu- 
ated Persons. 

Jo. Dytcbrodii, DC Tcrribilitdle Excomrnuni- 
Cdtionum libellulus Acephalos. (> " 

Ingeniositas Invocdndi Diabolos ct Diabolas, 
per M. Gumgolphum.^ 1 

The Hotch-potch or Gallimaufry of the per- 
petually begging Friars. 

The Morris -dance of the Heretics. 

The Whinings of Cajetan. 

Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, De Originc 
Rouglifootedamm, et Wryneckedorum 
Ritibus, libri septem. 

Sixty-nine fat Breviaries. 

The Night-Mare of the five orders of Beggars. 

The Skinnery of the new Start-ups, extracted 
out of the fallow-butt, incornifistibulated 
and plodded upon in the angelic sum. 

The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Con- 
science. 

The Fat Belly of the Presidents. 

The Baffling Flowter of the Abbots. 

Sutoris Adversus quendam qui vocdvemt 
cum Sldbsdiiceatorem et quod Slabsducea- 
tores mm stint ddmndti db Ecclesia. G2 

CdCdtorium Medicorum 

The Chimney-Sweeper of Astrology. 

Carnpi clystcrionnn per C. b4 

The bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries. 

The Kissbreech of Chirurgery. 

Justinianus De Whitc-lcperotis Tollendis*-' 

Antidotdrinrn Ari/mir. 66 

Merlinus Coccaius, De Pdtrid Didbolorum* 7 

The practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sad- 
den. 

Of which library some books are already 
printed, and the rest are now at the press, in 
this noble city of Tubingen. 



PANTAGRUEL 



81 



CHAPTER 8 



How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received let- 
tcrs from his Father Gargantna, and the 
copy of them 

PANTAGRUEL studied very hard, as you may 
well conceive, and profited accordingly; for 
he had an excellent understanding, and nota- 
ble wit, together with a capacity in memory, 
equal to the measure of twelve oil budgets, 
or butts of olives. And, as he was there abid- 
ing one day, he received a letter from his fa- 
ther in manner as followeth: 

MOST DEAR SON, Amongst the gifts, graces, 
and prerogatives with which the sovereign 
plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and 
adoined human nature at the beginning, that 
seems to me most singular and excellent, by 
which we may in a moral estate attain to a 
kind of immortality, and in the course of this 
transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, 
which is done by a piogeny issued from us in 
the lawful bonds of matrimony. Whereby that 
in some measure is restored unto us, which 
was taken from us by the sin of our first par- 
cuts, to whom it was said, that, because they 
had not obeyed the commandment of God 
their Creator, they should die; and by death 
should be brought to nought that so stately 
fiame and plasmatuie, wherein the man at 
first had been created. 

But by this means of seminal propagation, 
there continueth in the children what was 
lost in the parents; and in the grand-children 
that which perished in their fathers, and so 
successively until the day of the last judg- 
ment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered 
up to God the Father his kingdom in a peace- 
able condition, out of all danger and contami- 
nation of sin; for then shall cease all genera- 
tions and corruptions, and the elements leave 
off their continual transmutations, seeing the 
so much desired peace shall be attained unto 
and enjoyed, and that all things shall be 
brought to their end and period. And, there- 
fore, not without just and reasonable cause do 
I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserv- 
er, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald 
old age reflourish in thy youth; for when, at 
his good pleasure, who rules and governs all 
things, my soul shall leave this mortal habita- 
tion, I shall not account myself wholly to die, 
but to pass from one place unto another, con- 
sidering that, in and by thee, I continue in 



my visible image living in the world, visit- 
ing and conversing with people of honour, 
and other my good friends, as I was wont to 
do. Which conversation of mine, although 
it was not without sin, (because we are 
all of us trespassers, and therefore ought 
continually to beseech his divine majesty 
to blot our transgressions out of his mem- 
ory, ) yet was it by the help and grace of 
God, without all manner of reproach be- 
fore men. 

Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind 
but shine in thee, wherewith I am endowed, 
as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my 
body, thou wilt be esteemed by all men to be 
the perfect guardian and treasure of the im- 
mortality of our name. But, if otherwise, I 
shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, 
considering that the lesser part of me, which 
is the body, would abide in thee, and the 
best, to wit, that which is the soul, and by 
which our name continues blessed amongst 
men, would be degenerate and abastardi/ed. 
This I do not speak out of any distrust that I 
have of thy virtue, which T have heretofore 
already tried, but to encourage thee yet more 
earnestly to proceed from good to better. And 
that which I now write unto thee is not so 
much that thou shouldest live in this viituous 
course, as that thou shouldest rejoice in so liv- 
ing and having lived, and cheer up thyself 
with the like resolution in time to come; to 
the prosecution and accomplishment of which 
enterprise and generous undertaking thou 
mayest easily remember how that T have 
spared nothing, but have so helped thee as if 
I had no other treasure in this woild, but to 
see thee once in my life completely we'll bred 
and accomplished, as well in virtue, honesty, 
and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and 
civility, and so to leave thee after my death as 
a mirror representing the person of rue thy fa- 
ther, and if not so excellent, and such indeed 
as I do wish thee, yet such is my desire. 

But although my deceased father of happy 
memory, Grangousier, had bent his best en- 
deavours to make me profit in all perfection 
and political knowledge, arid that my labour 
and study was fully correspondent to, yea, 
went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou 
mayest well understand, the time then was 
not so proper and fit for learning as it is at 
present, neither had I plenty of such good 
masters as thou hast had. For that time was 
darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, 
and savouring a little of the infelicity and ca- 



82 



RABELAIS 



lamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they 
set footing, destroyed all good literature, 
which in my age hath by the divine goodness 
been restored unto its former light and dig- 
nity, and that with such amendment and in- 
crease of knowledge, that now hardly should 
I be admitted unto the first form of the little 
grammar-school boys. I say, I, who in my 
youthful days was, and that justly, reputed 
the most learned of that age, Which I do not 
speak in vain boasting, although 1 might law- 
fully do it in writing unto thee, in verifica- 
tion whereof thou hast the authority of Mar- 
cus Tullius in his book Of Old Age, and the 
sentence of Plutarch, in the book intituled, 
How a man may praise himself without envy: 
but to give thee an emulous encouragement 
to strive yet further. 

Now it is, that the minds of men are quali- 
fied with all manner of discipline and the old 
sciences revived, which for many ages were 
extinct. Now it is, that the learned languages 
are to their pristine purity restored, viz., 
Greek, without which a man may be ashamed 
to account himself a scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, 
ChakUvan, and Latin. Printing likewise is 
now in use, so elegant and so correct, that bet- 
ter cannot be imagined, although it was 
found out but in my time by divine inspira- 
tion, as by a diabolical suggestion on the oth- 
er side, was the invention of ordnance. All the 
world is full of knowing men, of most learned 
schoolmasters, and vast libraries; and it ap- 
pears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's 
time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was 
ever such conveniency for studying, as we 
see at this day there is. Nor must any adven- 
ture henceforward to come in public or 
present himself in company, that hath not 
been pretty well polished in the shop of Min- 
erva. I see robbers, hangmen, free-booters, 
tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very 
rubbish of the people, more learned now 
than the doctors and preachers were in my 
time. 

What shall I say? The very women and 
children have aspired to this praise and celes- 
tial manna of good learning. Yet so it is, that 
at the age I am now of, I have been con- 
strained to learn the Greek tongue, which I 
contemned not like Cato, but had not the lei- 
sure in my younger years to attend the study 
of it, and I take much delight in the reading 
of Plutarch's Morals, the pleasant Dialogues 
of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and 
the Antiquities of Athenians, in waiting on 



the hour wherein God my Creator shall call 
me, and command me to depart from this 
earth and transitory pilgrimage. Wherefore, 
my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth 
to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy 
studies and in virtue. Thou art at Paris, where 
the laudable examples of many brave men 
may stir up thy mind to gallant actions, and 
hast likewise, for thy tutor and pedagogue 
the learned Epistemon, who by his lively and 
vocal documents may instruct thee in the arts 
and sciences. 

I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn 
the languages perfectly; first of all, the Greek, 
as Quintiliaii will have it; secondly, the Latin; 
and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture- 
sake; and then the Chaldee and Arabic like- 
wise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek 
in imitation of Plato; and for the Latin, aftei 
Cicero. Let there be no history which thou 
shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto 
the prosecuting of which design, books of cos- 
mography will be very conclucible, and help 
thee much. Of the liberal arts of geometry, 
arithmetic and music, I gave thee some taste 
when thou wert yet little, and not above five 
or six years old. Proceed further in them, and 
learn the remainder if thou canst. As for as- 
tronomy, study all the rules thereof. Let pass, 
nevertheless, the divining and judicial astrol- 
ogy, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing 
else but plain abuses and vanities. As for the 
civil law, of that I would have thee to know 
the texts by heart, and then to confer them 
with philosophy. 

Now, in matter of the knowledge of the 
works of nature, I would have thee to study 
that exactly; that so there be no sea, river, nor 
fountain, of which thou dost not know the 
fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the several 
kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forest or 
orchards; all the sorts of herbs and flowers 
that grow upon the ground; all the various 
metals that are hid within the bowels of the 
earth; together with all the diversity of pre- 
cious stones, that are to be seen, in the orient 
and south parts of the world. Let nothing of 
all these be hidden from thee. Then fail not 
most carefully to peruse the books of the 
Greek, Arabian, and Latin physicians, not de- 
spising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by 
frequent anatomies, get thee the perfect 
knowledge of that other world, called the mi- 
crocosm, which is man. And at some of the 
hours of the day apply thy mind to the study 
of the Holy Scriptures; first, in Greek, the 



PANTAGRUEL 



83 



New Testament, with the Epistles of the 
Apostles; and then the Old Testament in He- 
brew, in brief, let me see thee an abyss, and 
bottomless pit of knowledge : for from hence- 
forward, as thou growest great and becornest 
a man, thou must part from this tranquillity 
and rest of study, thou must learn chivalry, 
warfare, and the exercises of the field, the bet- 
ter thereby to defend my house and our 
friends, and lo succour and protect them at all 
their needs, against the invasion and assaults 
of evil doers. 

Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou 
try how much thou hast profited, which thou 
canst not better do, than by maintaining pub- 
licly theses and conclusions in all arts, against 
all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the 
company of learned men, both at Paris and 
otherwhere. But because, as the wise man 
Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a 
malicious mind, and that knowledge without 
conscience is but the ruin of the soul; it be- 
hoveth thee to serve, to love, to fear God, and 
on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy 
hope, and, by faith formed in charity, to 
cleave unto him, so that thou mayst never be 
separated from him by thy sins. Suspect the 
abuses of the world. Set not thy heart upon 
vanity, for this life is transitory, but the Word 
of the Lord endure th for ever. Be serviceable 
to all thy neighbours, and love them as thy- 
self. Reverence thy preceptors; shun the con- 
\ ersation of those whom thou desirest not to 
resemble; and receive not in vain the graces 
which God hath bestowed upon thee. And, 
when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to 
all the knowledge that is to be acquired in 
that part, return unto me, that I may see 
thee, and give thee my blessing before I die. 
My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be 
with thee, Amen. 

Thy father, GARGANTUA. 

From Utopia t he 1 7th day of the montli of 
March. 

These letters being received and read, 
Pantagruel plucked up his heart, took a fresh 
courage to him, and was inflamed with a de- 
sire to profit in his studies more than ever, so 
that if you had seen him, how he took pains, 
and how he advanced in learning, you would 
have said that the vivacity of his spirit amidst 
the books was like a great fire amongst dry 
wood, so active it was, vigorous, and inde- 
fatigable. 



CHAPTER 9 



How Pantagruel found Panurgc, whom he 
loved all his life-time 

ONE day as Pantagruel was taking a walk 
without the city, towards St. Anthony's ab- 
bey, discoursing and philosophating with his 
own servants, and some other scholars, he 
met with a young man of very comely stature, 
and surpassing handsome in all the linea- 
ments of his body, but in several parts thereof 
most pitifully wounded; in such bad equi- 
page in matter of his apparel, which was but 
tatters and rags, and every way so far out of 
order, that he seemed to have been a-fighting 
with mastiff dogs, from whose fury he had 
made an escape, or, to say better, he looked, 
in the condition wherein he then was, like an 
applegatherer of the country of Perche. 

As far oft as Pantagruel saw him, he said 
to those that stood by, Do you see that man 
(here, who is a coming hither upon the road 
from Charenton-bridge? By my faith, he is 
only poor in fortune; for I may assure you, 
that by his physiognomy it appeareth, that 
nature hath extracted him from some rich and 
noble race, and that too much curiosity hath 
thrown him upon adventures, which possibly 
have reduced him to this indigence, want, 
and penury. Now as he was just amongst 
them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me en- 
treat you, friend, that you may be pleased to 
stop here a little, and answer me to that 
which I shall ask you, and 1 am confident you 
will not think your time ill bestowed; for I 
have an extreme desire, according to my abil- 
ity, to give you some supply in this distress, 
wherein I see you are; because I do very 
much commiserate your case, which truly 
moves me to great pity. Therefore, my friend, 
tell me, who you are? Whence you come? 
Whither you go? What you desire? And what 
your name is? The companion answered him 
in the German tongue, thus: 

"Junker, Gott geb euch pluck und hcil zu- 
vor. Lieber Junker, ich lasz cuch wissen, das 
da ihr mich von fragt, ist eln arm und erbdrm- 
lich Ding, und wer viel darvon zu sagen, 
welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu 
crzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn 
vorzeitcn haben gesagt in ihren Spriichen und 
Sentenzen, das die gedeclitnus des elends 
und armuths vorliingst erlitten ist cine grosse 
lust" My friend, said Pantagruel, I have no 
skill in that gibberish of yours, therefore, if 
you would have us to understand you, speak 



84 



RABELAIS 



to us in some other language. Then did the 
drole answer him thus: 

"Albarildim gotfano dcchmin brin alabo 
dordio falbroth ringuam albaras. Nin portza- 
dikin almucatin nrilko prin alelmin en thoth 
dalheben ensouirn: kiithim al dum alkathn 
nim broth dcchoth porth min micJiais im en- 
doth, pritch dalmaisouliim hoi moth danfri- 
him lupaldasim voldenioth. Nin hnrdiavosth 
mnarbotim dalgouscJi palfrapin duch im 
scoth pruch galeth dal ctiinon, min fonlchrich 
al conin brutatJiem doth dal prin." Do you 
understand none of this? said Pantagruel to 
the company. I believe, said Epistemon, that 
this is the language of the Antipodes, and 
such a hard one, that the devil himself knows 
not what to make of it. Then, said Pantagruel, 
Gossip, I know not if the walls do compre- 
hend the meaning of your words, but none of 
us heie doth so much as understand one syl- 
lable of them. Then said my blade again: 

"Signor 777/0, vio vedcte per cssempio, che 
la cornamusa non suona mai, s'clla non ha il 
venire pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi mprci 
contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato 
venire non ha la solita refettione. Al quale e 
adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso 
il loro or dine naturale et del tutto annichilati" 
To which Epistemon answered, As much of 
the one as of the other, and nothing of either, 
Then said Panurge: 

"Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelli- 
gence, as you be naturally releaved to the 
body, you should have pity of me. For nature 
hath made us equal, but fortune hath some 
exalted, and others deprived; nevertheless is 
virtue often deprived, and the virtuous men 
despised; for before the last end none is 
good." Yet less, said Pantagruel. Then said 
my jolly Panurge : 

' Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda 
er remedio behardc vcrsela ysser landa. An- 
bat es otoy y es nausn cij nessassust gourray 
proposian ordine den. Non yssena baijta fach- 
eria cgabe gen hcrassy badia sadassu noura 
assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydas- 
suna, Estou oussyc eg vinan soury hein er dar- 
stura eguy harm. Gcnicoa plasar vadu" Are 
you there, said Eu demon, Genicoa? To this 
said Garpalim, St. Triiiian's rammer unstitch 
your bum, for I had almost understood it. 
Then answered Panurge: 

"Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi 
drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny Pomar- 
diere rusth pkaJdraeg Dcviniere pres Nays. 
Couille kalmuch monach drupp del miiepplist 



rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch mine stz 
rinq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst 
slzampcnards." Do you speak Christian, said 
Epistemon, or the buffoon language, other- 
wise called Patelinois? Nay, it is the puzla- 
tory tongue, said another, which some call 
Lanternois. Then said Panurge: 

"Heere, ik ken spreckc anders gccn tacl 
dan kersten tacle: my dunkt noghtans, al en 
seg ik u niet een wordt, myncn noot verklaert 
genoegJi wat ik bcgeere: gee ft my uyt bcrm- 
hertigheyt yets, waar van ik gcvoet magh 
zyn." To which answered Pantagruel, As 
much of that. Then said Panurge: 

"Senor, de tanto hablaryo soy cansado, par 
(pie yo snplico a vuestra reverentia que mire 
a los preceptos evangclicos, para que cllos 
movan vuestra reverentia a lo que es de con- 
scientia; y si cllos non bastaren, para mover 
vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo snplico que 
mire a la piedad natural, la (jual yo crco que 
le movera como es de razon: y con esso non 
digo mas." Truly, my friend, said Pantagruel, 
I doubt not but you can speak divers lan- 
guages; but tell us that which you would 
have us to do for you in some tongue, which 
you conceive we may understand. Then said 
the companion: 

"Mm Herre, endog ieg med ingen tungc 
talede, ligesom biern, oc uskelligc creatuure: 
Mine klxdebon oc mit legoms rnagerhed 
uduiser alligeucl klarlig huad ting mig best 
bcJiof gioris, sorn er sandelig mad oc dricke: 
Huorfor forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at 
giue mig noguet, af huilchct ieg kand sty re 
min giieendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Ccr- 
bero en suppe forsetter: Saa skalt du lefue 
hengc oe lycksalig" I think really, said Eus- 
thenes, that the Goths spoke thus of old, and 
that, if it pleased God, we would all of speak 
so with our tails. Then again said Panurge: 

"Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal 
hebdeca bimelicrah thitlicn li kikar lehem: 
cJianchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral." To 
which answered Epistemon, At this time have 
I understood him very well; for it is the He- 
brew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. 
Then again said the gallant: 

"Despota tinyn panagathe, dioti sy my ouk 
artodotis? horas gar limo analiscomenon erne 
atJilion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis ouda- 
mos, zetis de par emou ha on dire. Ke homos 
philologi pantes homologousi tote logons te 
ke remata peritta hyparchin, opote pragma 
afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar anakei mo- 
non logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri am- 



PANTAGRUEL 



85 



phisbetoumen) , me prosphoros epiphenete" 
What? said Carpalim, Pantagruei s footman, 
It is Greek, I have understood him. And how? 
has thou dwelt any while in Greece? Then 
said the drole again: 

"Agonou dont oussys vous dedagnez alga- 
rou: nou den faroii zamist vous mariston ul- 
brou, fousqucs voubrol taut bredaguez mou- 
preton den goulhoust, daguez daguez non 
cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. Agou pas- 
ton tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, 
prou dhouquys brol pany gou den baser ou 
noudous caguons gouljren goul oustaroppas- 
sou." Methinks I understand him, said Panta- 
gruei; for either it is the language of my coun- 
try of Utopia, or sounds very like it. And, as 
he was about to have begun some argument 
the companion said: 

"Jam toties vox per sacra, perqne deos 
deasque omneis obtestatus sum, ut si qua vos 
pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, 
nee hilum proficio damans et ejuhms. Sinite, 
quxso, sinite, viri irnpii, quo me fata vacant 
abire; nee ultra vanis vestris interpcllationi- 
biis obtundatis, memores vetcris illins adagii, 
(juo venter famelicus auriculis carere dici- 
t/r." 68 Well, my friend, said Pantagruei, but 
cannot you speak French? That I can do. Sir, 
very well, said the companion, God be 
thanked. It is my natural language and moth- 
er tongue; for I was born and bred in my 
younger years in the garden of France, to wit, 
Touraine. Then said, Pantagruei, tell us what 
is your name, and from whence you are come: 
for, by my faith, 1 have already stamped in 
my mind such a deep impression of love to- 
wards you, that, if you will condescend unto 
my will, you shall not depart out of my com- 
pany, and you and I shall make up another 
couple of friends, such as /Eneas and Achates 
were. Sir, said the companion, my true and 
proper Christian name is Panurge, and now I 
come out of Turkey, to which country I was 
carried away prisoner at that time, when they 
went to Metelin with a mischief. And willing- 
ly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which 
are more wonderful than those of Ulysses 
were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you to re- 
tain me with you, I most heartily accept of 
the offer, protesting never to leave you, should 
you go to all the devils in hell. We shall have 
therefore more leisure at another time, and a 
fitter opportunity wherein to report them; for 
at this present I am in a very urgent necessity 
to feed, my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, 
my throat dry, and my stomach fierce and 



burning, all is ready. If you will but set me 
to work, it will be as good as a balsamum for 
sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For 
God's sake, give order for it. Then Panta- 
gruei commanded that they should carry him 
home, and provide him good store of victuals; 
which being done, he ate very well that eve- 
ning, and, capon-like, went early to bed, then 
slept until dinner-time the next day, so that 
he made but three steps and one leap from 
the bed to the board. 



CHAPTER 10 

How Pantagruei C(juitab1tj decided a contro- 
versy, which was wonderfully obscure and 
difficult, whereby he was reputed to have a 
most admirable judgment 

PANTAGHUEL, very well remembering his fa- 
ther's letter and admonitions, would one day 
make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon in all 
the Carrefours, that is, throughout all the four 
quarters, streets, and corners of the city, he 
set up Conclusions, to the number of nine 
thousand seven hundred and sixty-four, in all 
manner of learning, touching in them the 
hardest doubts that are in any science. And 
first of all, in the Fodder-street he held dis- 
pute against all the regents or fellows of col- 
leges, artists or masters of arts, and orators, 
and did so gallantly, that he overthrew them, 
and set them all upon their tails. He went af- 
terwards to the Sorbonne, where he main- 
tained argument against all the theologians or 
divines, for the space of six weeks, from four 
o'clock in the morning until six in the eve- 
ning, except an interval of two hours to re- 
fresh themselves, and take their repast. And 
at this were present the greatest part of the 
lords of the court, the masters of requests, 
presidents, counsellors, those of the accompts, 
secretaries, advocates and others: as also the 
sheriffs of the said town, with the physicians 
and professors of the canon-law. Amongst 
which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest 
part were stubborn jades, and in their opin- 
ions obstinate; but he took such course with 
them, that for all their ergos and fallacies, he 
put their backs to the wall, gravelled them in 
the deepest questions and made it visibly ap- 
pear to the world, that compared to him, they 
were but monkeys, and a knot of muffled 
calves. Whereupon every body began to keep 
a bustling noise, and talk of his so marvellous 
knowledge, through all degrees of persons in 



86 



RABELAIS 



both sexes, even to the very laundresses, 
brokers, roastmeat-sellers, penknife-makers 
and others, who, when he past along in the 
street, would say, This is he! In which he took 
delight, as Demosthenes the prince of Greek 
orators did, when an old crouching wife, 
pointing at him with her fingers, said, That 
is the man. 

Now at this same very time there was a 
process or suit in law depending in court be- 
tween two great lords, of which one was 
called my Lord Kissbrecch, plaintiff of one 
side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defend- 
ant of the other; whose controversy was so 
high and difficult in law, that the court of par- 
liament could make nothing of it. And, there- 
fore, by the commandment of the king there 
were assembled four of the greatest and most 
learned of all the parliaments of France, to- 
gether with the great counsel, and all the 
principal regents of the universities, not only 
of France, but of England also and Italy, such 
as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petroni- 
bus, and a rabble of other old Habbinists, 
who being thus met together, after they had 
thereupon consulted for the space of six and 
forty weeks, finding that they could not fasten 
their teeth in it, nor with such clearness un- 
derstand the case, as that they might in any 
manner of way be able to right it, or to take 
up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid 
parties, it did so grievously vex them, that 
they most villanously conshit themselves for 
shame. In this great extremity one amongst 
them, named Du Douhet, the learnedcst of 
all, and more expert and prudent than any of 
the rest, whilst one clay they were thus at 
their wit's end, all-to-be-dunced and philog- 
robolized in their brains, said unto them. We 
have been here, my masters, a good long 
space, without doing any thing else than tiille 
away both our time and money, and can nev- 
ertheless find neither brim nor bottom in this 
matter, for, the more we study about it, the 
less we understand therein, which is a great 
shame, and disgrace to us, and a heavy bur- 
den to our consciences, yea, such, that in my 
opinion we shall not rid ourselves of it with- 
out dishonour unless we take some other 
course; for we do nothing but doat in our con- 
sultations. 

See, therefore, what I have thought upon. 
You have heard much talking of that worthy 
personage named Master Pantagruel, who 
hath been found to be learned above the 



capacity of this present age, by the proofs he 
gave in those great disputations, which he 
held publicly against all men. My opinion is, 
that we send for him, to confer with him 
about this business; for never any man will 
compass the bringing of it to an end, if he do 
it not. 

Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors 
willingly agreed, and, according to that their 
result, having instantly sent for him, they in- 
treated him to be pleased to canvas the proc- 
ess, and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep 
search and narrow examination of all the 
points thereof, he might forthwith make the 
report unto them, such as he shall think good 
in true and legal knowledge. To this effect 
they delivered into his hands the bags where- 
in were the writs and pancarts concerning 
that suit, which for bulk and weight were al- 
most enough to load four great couillard or 
stoned asses. But Pantagruel said unto them, 
Are the two lords, between whom this debate 
and process is, yet living? It was answered 
him, Yes. To what a devil, then, said he, 
serve so many paltry heaps, and bundles of 
papers and copies which you give me? Is it 
not better to hear their controversy from their 
own mouths, whilst they are face to face be- 
fore us, than to read these vile fopperies, 
which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, di- 
abolical cozenages of Cepola, pernicious 
slights and subversions of equity? For I am 
sure, that you, and all those through whose 
hands this process hath past, have by your de- 
vices added what you could to it pro ct con- 
tra in such sort, that, although their differ- 
ence perhaps was clear and easy enough to 
determine at first, you have obscured it, and 
made it more intricate, by the frivolous, sot- 
tish, unreasonable and foolish reasons and 
opinions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartojus, de 
Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Ber- 
tachin, Alexander, Curtius, and those other 
old mastiffs, who never understood the least 
law of the Pandects, they being but mere 
blockheads and great tithe-calves, ignorant of 
all that which was needful for the under- 
standing of the laws; for, as it is most certain, 
they had not the knowledge either of the 
Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Goth- 
ic and Barbarian. The laws, nevertheless, 
were first taken from the Creeks, according to 
the testimony of Ulpian, L. poster, De Ori- 
ginc Juris, which we likewise may perceive, 
by that all the laws are full of Greek words 



PANTAGRUEL 



87 



and sentences. Arid then we find that they 
are reduced into a Latin style, the most ele- 
gant and oinate that whole language is able 
to afford, without excepting that of any that 
ever wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, 
Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian. 
How, then, could these old dotards be able 
to understand aright the text of the laws, who 
never in their time had looked upon a good 
Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear 
by the rudeness of their style, which is fitter 
for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scul- 
lion, than for a juris-consult and doctor in the 
laws? 

Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted 
out of the middle of moral and natural philos- 
ophy, how should these fools have under- 
stood it, that have, by G , studied less in 
philosophy than my mule? In respect of hu- 
man learning, and the knowledge of antiqui- 
ties and history, they were truly laden with 
those faculties as a toad is with leathers. And 
yet of all this the laws are so full, that without 
it they cannot be understood, as I intend 
more fully to show unto you in a peculiar 
treatise, which on that purpose I am about to 
publish. Therefore, if you will that I make 
any meddling in this process, first, cause all 
these papers to be burned; secondly, make 
the two gentlemen come personally before 
me, and, afterwards, when I shall have heard 
them, I will tell you my opinion freely, with- 
out any feignedness or dissimulation whatso- 
ever. 

Some amongst them did contradict this 
motion, as you know that in all companies 
there are more fools than wise men, and that 
the greater part always surmounts the better, 
as saith Titus Livius, in speaking of the Car- 
thaginians. But the aforesaid Du Douhet held 
the contrary opinion, maintaining that Panta- 
gruel had said well, and what was right, in 
affirming that these records, bills of inquests, 
replies, rejoinders, exceptions, depositions, 
and other such diableries of truth-intangling 
wiits, were but engines wherewith to over- 
throw justice, and unnecessarily to prolong 
such suits as did depend before them; and 
that, therefore, the devil would carry all away 
to hell, if they did not take another course, 
and proceeded not in times coming according 
to the prescripts of evangelical and philoso- 
phical equity. In fine, all the papers were 
burned, and the two gentlemen summoned 
and personally convented. At whose appear- 



ance before the court, Pantagruel said unto 
them, Are you they who have this great dif- 
ference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. 
Which of you, said Pantagruel, is the plain- 
tiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech. Go to, 
then my friend, said he, and relate your mat- 
ter unto me from point to point, according to 
the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I 
find you to lie so much as in one word, I will 
make you shorter by the head, and take it 
from off your shoulders, to show others, by 
your example, that in justice and judgment 
men ought to speak nothing but the truth. 
Therefore take heed you do not add nor im- 
pair anything in the narration of your case. 
Begin. 

CHAPTER 11 

How the Lords of KissbreeeJi and Suckfist did 
plead before Pantagruel witliout an At- 
torney 

THEN began Kissbreech in manner as follovv- 
eth: My Lord, it is true, that a good woman 
of my house carried eggs to the market to sell 
Be covered, Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. 
Thanks to you, my Lord, said the Lord Kiss- 
breech; but to the purpose. There passed be- 
twixt the two tropics the sum of three pence 
towards the zenith and a halfpenny, foras- 
much as the Ripluean mountains had been 
that year oppressed with a great sterility of 
counterfeit gudgeons, and shows without 
substance, by means of the babbling tattle, 
and fond fibs, seditiously raised between the 
gibble-gabblers, and Accursian gibberish- 
mongers, for the rebellion of the Switzers, 
who had assembled themselves to the full 
number of the bum-bees, and myrmidons, to 
go ahandsel-getting on the first day of the 
new year, at that very time when they give 
brewis to the oxen, and deliver the key of the 
coals to the country-girls, for serving in of 
the oats to the dogs. All the night long they 
did nothing else, keeping their hands still 
upon the pot, but dispatch bulls a-foot, and 
bulls a-horseback, to stop the boats; for the 
tailors and scamsters would have made of the 
stolen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut 
to cover the face of the ocean, which then 
was great with child of a potful of cabbage, 
according to the opinion of the hay-bundle- 
makers. But the physicians said, that by the 
urine they could discern no manifest sign of 
the bustard's pace, nor how to eat double- 



88 



RABELAIS 



tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the 
lords and gentlemen of the court should be 
pleased to give by b. mol. express command 
to the pox, not to run about any longer, in 
gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for 
the jobbcruolls had already a pretty good 
beginning in their dance of the British jig, 
called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, 
with one foot in the fire, and their head in 
the middle, as good man Ragot was wont 
to say. 

Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, 
and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that 
against unlucky fortune a carter broke his 
frisking whip, which was all the wind instru- 
ment he had. This was done at his return 
from a little paltry town, even then when 
Master Antitus of Cresseplots was licentiatcd, 
and had passed his degrees in all clullery and 
blockishness, according to this sentence of 
the canonists, Bcati dunces, quoniam ipsi 
stumblavcrunt. But that which makes Lent 
to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for noth- 
ing else, but that Pentecost never comes, but 
to my cost; yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain 
stills a great wind; and we must think so, see- 
ing that the sergeant hath propounded the 
matter so far above my reach, that the clerks 
and secondaries could not with the benefit 
thereof lick their fingers, feathered with gan- 
ders, so orbicularly as they were wont in oth- 
er things to do. And we do manifestly see, 
that every one acknowledgeth himself to be 
in the error, wherewith another hath been 
charged, reserving only those cases whereby 
we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in 
a perspective glass of these things, towards 
the place in the chimney, where hangeth the 
sign of the wine of forty girths, which have 
been always counted very necessary for the 
number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles 
of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years 
respite. Howsoever, at least, he, that would 
not let fly the fowl before the cheesecakes, 
ought in law to have discovered his reason 
why not, for the memory is often lost in the 
wayward shoeing. Well, God keep Theobal 
Mitain from all danger. Then said Panta- 
gruel, Hold there! Ho! my friend, soft and 
fair, speak at leisure, and soberly, without 
putting yourself in choler. I understand the 
case, go on. Now then, my lord, said Kiss- 
breech, the foresaid good woman, saying her 
Gaudez and Audi nos, could not cover her- 
self with a treacherous back-blow, ascending 
by the wounds and passions of the privileges 



of the universities, unless by the virtue of a 
warming-pan she had angelically fomented 
every part of her body, in covering them with 
a hedge of garden-beds: then giving in a 
swift unavoidable thiust very near to the 
place where they sell the old rags, whereof 
the painters of Flanders make great use, 
when they are about neatly to clap on shoes 
on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals and such like 
fly-fowls, so strange to us, that I am wonder- 
fully astonished why the world doth not lay, 
seeing it is so good to hatch. 

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have in- 
terrupted him and spoken somewhat, where- 
upon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. 
Anthony's belly, doth it become thee to speak 
without command? I sweat here with the ex- 
tremity of labour and exceeding toil I take to 
understand the proceeding of your mutual 
difference, and yet thou comest to trouble 
and disquiet me. Peace, in the devil's name, 
peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy 
bellyful, when this man hath done, and no 
sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech, speak 
calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too 
much haste. 

In perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that 
the pragmatical sanction did make no men- 
tion of it, and that the holy Pope to every one 
gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the 
blankets had no streaks, wherein the liars 
were to be crossed with a ruffian like crew, 
and the rainbow being newly sharpened at 
Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full con- 
sent that the good woman should tread clown 
the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a 
solemn protestation put in by the little testi- 
culated or codsted fishes, which, to tell the 
truth, were at that time very necessary for un- 
derstanding the syntax and construction of 
old boots. Therefore John Calf, her cousin 
gervais once removed, with a log, from the 
Woodstock, very seriously advised her not to 
put herself into the hazard of quagswagging 
in the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen 
clothes, till first she had kindled the paper. 
This counsel she laid hold on, because he de- 
sired her to take nothing, and throw out, for 
Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapicntia ca- 
dit. 70 Matters thus standing, seeing the mas- 
ters of the chamber of accompts, or mem- 
bers of that committee, did not fully agree 
amongst themselves in casting up the num- 
ber of the Almany whistles, whereof were 
framed those Spectacles for Princes, which 
have been lately printed at Antwerp, I must 



PANTAGRUEL 



89 



needs think that it makes a bad return of the 
writ, and that the adverse party is not to be 
believed in saccr vcrbo dot is. 71 For that hav- 
ing a great desire to obey the pleasure of the 
king, I armed myself from toe to top with bel- 
ly furniture, of the soles of good venison-past- 
ies, to go see how my grape-gathers and vin- 
tagers had pinked and cut full of small holes 
their high eoped-caps, to lecher it the better, 
and play at in and in. And indeed the time 
was very dangerous in coming from the fair, 
in so far that many trained bow-men were 
cast at the muster, and quite rejected, al- 
though the chimney-tops were high enough, 
according to the proportion of the windgalls 
in the legs of horses, or of the malanclers, 
which in the esteem of expert farriers is no 
better disease, or else the story of Ronypati- 
farn, or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some 
to be the tale of a tub, or of a roasted horse, 
savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic 
history. And by this means there was that 
year great abundance, throughout all the 
country of Artois, of tawny buz/ing beetles, 
to the no small profit of the gentlemen-great- 
stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat with- 
out disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly 
was like to crack with it again. As for my own 
part, such is my Christian chaiity towards my 
neighbours, that I could wish from my heart 
every one as good a voice, it would make us 
play the better at the tennis and the baloon. 
And truly, my Lord, to express the real truth 
without dissimulation, I cannot but say, that 
those petty subtile devices, which are found 
out in the etymologizing of pattens, would 
descend more easily into the river of Seine, to 
serve for ever at the millers' bridge upon the 
said water, as it was heretofore decreed by 
the king of the Canarians, according to the 
sentence or judgment given thereupon, which 
is to be seen in the registry and records with- 
in the clerk's office of this house. 

And therefore, my Lord, I most humbly re- 
quire, that by your Lordship there may be 
said and declared upon the case what is rea- 
sonable, with costs, damages, and interest. 
Then said Pantagruel, My friend is this all 
you have to say? Kissbreech answered yes, 
my Lord, for I have told you all the tn au- 
tem, 12 and have not varied at all upon mine 
honour in so much as one single word. You 
then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, 
say what you will, and be brief, without omit- 
ting, nevertheless, anything that may serve to 
the purpose. 



CHAPTER 12 



How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before 
Pantagruel 

THEN began the Lord Suckfist in manner as 
followeth. My Lord, and you my masters, if 
the iniquity of men were as easily seen in cat- 
egorical judgment, as we can discern flies in a 
milk-pot, the world's four oxen had not been 
so eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears 
upon the earth been nibbled away so scurvily. 
For although all that my adversary hath spok- 
en be of a very soft and downy truth, in so 
much as concerns the letter and history of the 
factum yet nevertheless, the crafty slights, 
cunning subtilties, sly cozenages, and little 
troubling intanglements are hid under the 
rose-pot, the common cloak and cover of all 
fraudulent deceits. 

Should I endure, that, when I am eating 
my pottage equal with the best, and that 
without either thinking or speaking any man- 
ner of ill, they rudely come to vex, trouble, 
and perplex my brains with that antique 
proverb, which saith: 

He that will in his pottage drink 
When he is dead shall not see one wink. 

And, good lady, how many great captains 
have we seen in the day of battle, when in 
open field the sacrament was distributed in 
luncheons of the sanctified bread of the con- 
fraternity, the more honestly to nod their 
heads, play on the lute, and crack with their 
tails, to make pretty little platform leaps, in 
keeping level by the ground? But now the 
world is unshackled from the corners of the 
packs of Leicester. One flies out lewdly and 
becomes debauched, another, likewise, five, 
four, and two, and that at such random, that, 
if the court take not some course therein, it 
will make as bad a season in matter of glean- 
ing this year, as ever it made, or it will make 
goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves 
to illuminate his muzzle with a cowshard, or 
to buy winter-boots, and that the sergeants 
passing by, or those of the watch, happen 
to receive the decoction of a clyster, or the 
fecal matter of a close-stool, upon their rus- 
tling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, 
should any because of that make bold to 
clip the shillings and testers, and fry the 
wooden dishes? Sometimes, when we think 
one thing, God does another; and when the 
sun is wholly set, all beasts are in the shade. 



90 



RABELAIS 



Let me never be believed again, if I do riot 
gallantly prove it by several people that have 
seen the light of the day. 

In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch 
curtail, which was a middle-sized horse, both 
high and short, of a wool good enough, and 
dyed in grain, as the goldsmiths assured me, 
although the notary put an &c. in it, I told 
really, that I was not a clerk of so much learn- 
ing as to snatch at the moon with my teeth; 
but, as for the butter-firkin, where Vulcanian 
deeds and evidences were sealed, the rumour 
was, and the report thereof went current, that 
salt-beef will make one find the way to the 
wine without a candle, though it were hid in 
the bottom of a collier's sack, and that, with 
his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed 
horse furnished with a fronstal, and such 
arms, thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite 
for the well frying and broiling of a swagger- 
ing sauciness. Here is a sheep's head, and it 
is well they make a proverb of this, that it is 
good to see black cows in burnt wood, when 
one attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had 
a consultation upon this point with my mas- 
ters the clerks, who for resolution concluded 
in frisesomornm that there is nothing like to 
mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean 
away in water, well garnished with paper, 
ink, pens, and penknives of Lyons upon the 
river of Rhone; dolopyrn dolopof, tarabin tar- 
abas, tut, prut, pish; for, incontinently after 
that armour begins to smell of garlick, the 
rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him 
that wears it; and then do they nothing else 
but withstand others' courses, and wryneck - 
edly set up their bristles against one another, 
in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep; 
and this is that which maketh salt so dear. My 
Lords, believe not when the said good wom- 
an had with bird-lime caught the shovelar 
fowl, the better before a Serjeant's witness to 
deliver the younger son's portion to him, that 
the sheep's pluck or hog's haslet, did lodge 
and shrink back in the usurer's purses, or that 
there could be anything better to preserve 
one from the cannibals, than to take a rope of 
onions, knit with three hundred turnips, and 
a little of a calf's chaldern of the best alloy 
that the alchyrnists have provided, and that 
they daub and do over with clay, as also cal- 
cinate and burn to dust these pantofles, muff 
in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the fine 
sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst 
they hide themselves in some petty mold- 
wharp-hole, saving always the little slices of 



bacon. Now, if the dice will not favour you 
with any other throw but ambes-ace, and the 
chance of three at the great end, mark well 
the ace, then take me your dame, settle her 
in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up 
drille trille, there, there, trourclonra la la; 
which when you have done, take a hearty 
draught of the best, despicando grenovilli- 
bus, 1 ^ in despite of the frogs, whose fair 
coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set 
apart, for the little green geese, or rnued gos- 
lings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight 
to sport themselves at the wag-tail game, 
waiting for the beating of the metal, and 
heating of the wax by the slavering drivellers 
of consolation. 

Very true it is, that the four oxen which 
arc in debate, and whereof mention was 
made, were somewhat short in memory. Nev- 
ertheless, to understand the game aright, they 
feared neither the cormorant nor mallard of 
Savoy, which put the good people of my 
country in great hope that their children some 
time should become very skilful in algorism. 
Therefore is it, that by a law rubric and spe- 
cial sentence thereof, that we cannot fail to 
take the wolf, if we make our hedges higher 
than the wind-mill, whereof somewhat was 
spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil 
did envy it, and by that means put the High 
Dutch far behind, who played the devils in 
swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, 
trink, mecn hen, trink, by two of my table 
men in the corner-point I have gained the 
lurch. For it is not probable, nor is there any 
appearance of truth in this saying, that at 
Paris upon a little bridge the hen is propor- 
tionable, and were they as copped and high- 
crested as marish whoops, if veritably they 
did not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at 
Moreb, with a new edge set upon them by 
text letters, or those of a swift-writing hand, 
it is all one to me, so that the head-band of 
the book breed not moths or worms in it. And 
put the case, that at the coupling together of 
the buck-hounds, the little puppies should 
have waxed proud, before the notary could 
have given an account of the serving of his 
writ by the cabalistic art, it will necessarily 
follow, under correction of the better judg- 
ment of the court, that six acres of meadow 
ground of the greatest breadth will make 
three buts of fine ink, without paying ready 
money; considering that, at the funeral of 
King Charles, we might have had the fathom 
in open market for one and two, that is, deuce 



PANTAGRUEL 



91 



ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience, 
upon my oath of wool. 

And I see ordinarily in all good bag-pipes, 
that, when they go to the counterfeiting of 
the chirping of small birds, by swinging a 
broom three times about a chimney, and put- 
ting his name upon record, they do nothing 
but bend a cross-bow backwards, and wind a 
horn, if perhaps it be too hot, and that, by 
making if fast to a rope he was to draw, im- 
mediately after the sight of the letters, the 
cows were restored to him. Such another sen- 
tence after the homeliest manner was pro- 
nounced in the seventeenth year, because of 
the bad government of Louzefougarouse, 
whereunto it may please the Court to have re- 
gard. I desire to be rightly understood; for 
truly, 1 say not, but that in all equity, and 
with an upright conscience, those may very 
well be dispossessed, who drink holy water, 
as one would do a weaver's shuttle, whereof 
suppositories are made to those that will not 
resign, but on the terms of ell and tell, and 
giving of one thing for another. Tune, my 
Lords, quid juris pro minoribus? 7G For the 
common custom of the Salic law is such, that 
the first incendiary or fire-brand of sedition, 
that flays the cow and wipes his nose in a full 
concert of music, without blowing in the cob- 
bler's stitches, should in the time of the night- 
mare sublimate the penury of his member by 
moss gathered when people are like to foun- 
der themselves at the mass at midnight, to 
give the estrapade to these white-wines of 
Anjou, that do gambetta, neck to neck, after 
the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before 
with costs, damages, and interests. 

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, 
Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissbreech, 
My friend, have you a mind to make any re- 
ply to what is said? No, my lord, answered 
Kissbreech; for I have spoke all T intended, 
and nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an 
end, for God's sake, to our difference, for we 
are here at great charge. 



CHAPTER 13 

How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the dif- 
ference of the two Lords 

THEN Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the 
presidents, counsellors, and doctors that were 
there, and said unto them, Come now, my 
masters, you have heard, vivte vocis oraculo, 11 
the controversy that is in question; what do 



you think of it? They answered him, We have 
indeed heard it, but have not understood the 
devil so much as one circumstance of the 
case; and therefore we beseech you, und 
voce, and in courtesy request you that you 
would give sentence as you think good, and 
ex mine prout ex tune, we are satisfied with 
it, and do ratify it with our full consents. 
Well, my masters, said Pantagruel, seeing you 
are so well pleased, I will do it: but I do not 
truly find the case so difficult as you make it. 
Your paragraph Caton, the law Prater, the 
law Callus, the law Quinque pedum, the law 
Vinum, the law Si Dominus, the law Mater, 
the law Prtetor, the law Venditor; and a great 
Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, 
the law Praetor, the law Venditor; and a great 
many others, aie far more intricate in my 
opinion. After he had spoke this, he walked 
a turn or two about the hall, plodding very 
profoundly, as one may think; for he did 
groan like an ass, whilst they girth him too 
hard, with the very intensiveness of consider- 
ing how he was bound in conscience to do 
right to both parties, without varying or ac- 
cepting of persons. Then he returned, sat 
down, and began to pronounce sentence as 
followcth : 

"Having seen, heard, calculated, and well- 
considered of the difference) between the 
Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the Court 
saith unto then), that in regard of the sudden 
(making, sniveling, and hoariness of the flick - 
ermouse, bravely declining from the estival 
solstice, to attempt by private means the sur- 
prisal of toyish trifles in those, who are a little 
unwell for having taken a draught too much, 
through the lewd demeanour and vexation of 
the beetles, that inhabit the diarodal climate 
of an hypocritical ape on horseback, bending 
a cross-bow backwards, the plaintiff truly had 
just cause to calfet, or with oakum, to stop 
the chinks of the galleon, which the good 
woman blew up with wind, having one foot 
shod and the other bare, reimbursing and re- 
storing to him, low and stiff in his conscience, 
as many bladder-nuts and wild pistachios as 
there is of hair in eighteen cows, with as 
much for the embroiderer, and so much for 
that. lie is likewise declared innocent of the 
case privileged from the Knapdardies, into 
the danger whereof it was thought he had in- 
curred; because he could not jocundly, and 
with fulness of freedom, untruss and dung, 
by the decision of a pair of gloves perfumed 
with the scent of bum-gunshot, at the walnut 



92 



RABELAIS 



tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mire- 
balais. Slacking, therefore, the top-sail, and 
letting go the boulin with the brazen bullets, 
wherewith the mariners did by way of pro- 
testation bake in paste-meat, great store of 
pulse interquiltcd with the dormouse, whose 
hawk-bells were made with a puntinaria, af- 
ter the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, 
and which his brother-in-law carried in a 
pannier, lying near to three chevrons or bor- 
dered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, 
drooping; and crest-fallen by the too narrow 

r . ^ 1 f 

sitting, canvassing, and curious examining ot 
the matter, in the angularly dog-hole of nasty 
scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the ver- 
miformal popinjay with the flap made of a 
foxtail. 

"But in that he chargcth the defendant, 
that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, and 
trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in 
the arsiversy swagfall tumble was not found 
true, as by the defendant was very well dis- 
cussed. 

"The Court, therefore, doth condemn and 
amerce him in three porringers of curds, well 
cemented and closed together, shining like 
pearls, and cod-pieced after the fashion of 
the country, to be paid unto the said defen- 
dant about the middle of August in May. But 
on the other part, the defendant shall be 
bound to furnish him with hay and stubble, 
for stopping the caltrops of his throat, trou- 
bled and impulregafized, with gabardines 
garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, 
without costs and for cause." 

Which sentence being pronounced, the 
two parties departed, both contented with 
the decree, which was a thing almost incredi- 
ble. For it never came to pass since the great 
rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubi- 
lees hereafter, that two parties, contradictor- 
ily contending in judgment, be equally satis- 
fied and well pleased with the definitive sen- 
tence. As for the counsellors, and other doc- 
tors in the law, that were there present, they 
were all so ravished with admiration at the 
more than human wisdom of Pantagruel, 
which they did most clearly perceive to be in 
him, by his so accurate decision of this so dif- 
ficult and thorny cause, that their spirits, with 
the extremity of the rapture, being elevated 
above the pitch of actuating the organs of the 
body, they fell into a trance and sudden ec- 
stasy, wheiein they stayed for the space of 
three long hours, and had been so as yet in 
that condition, had not some good people 



fetched store of vinegar and rosewater to 
bring them again unto their former sense and 
understanding, for the which God be praised 
everywhere. And so be it. 

CHAPTER 14 

How Panurge related the manner how he es- 
caped out of the hands of the Turks 

THE great wit and judgment of Pantagruel 
was immediately after this made known unto 
all the world by setting forth his praises in 
print, and putting upon record this late won- 
derful proof he hath given thereof amongst 
the Rolls of the Crown, and Registers of the 
Palace, in such sort, that everybody began to 
say, that Solomon, who by a probable guess 
only, without any further ceitainty, caused 
the child to be delivered to its own mother, 
showed never in his time such a master-piece 
of wisdom, as the good Pantagruel hath done. 
Happy are we, therefore, that have him in 
our country. And, indeed, they would have 
made him thereupon master of the requests, 
and president in the court: but he refused all, 
very graciously thanking them for their offer. 
For, said he, there is too much slavery in these 
offices, and very hardly can they be saved 
that do exercise them, considering the great 
corruption that is amongst men. Which 
makes me believe, if the empty seats of angels 
be not filled with other kind of people than 
those, we shall not have the final judgment 
these seven thousand sixty and seven jubilees 
yet to come, and so Cusanus will be deceived 
in his conjecture. Remember that 1 have told 
you of it, and given you fair advertisement in 
time and place convenient. 

But, if you have any hogsheads of good 
wine, I willingly will accept of a present of 
that. Which they very heartily did do, in 
sending him of the best that was in the city, 
and he drank reasonably well, but poor Pa- 
nurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villan- 
ously, for he was as dry as a reel-herring, as 
lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender 
cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon 
eggs. So that by some one being admonished 
in the midst of his draught of a large deep 
bowl, full of excellent claret, with these 
words, Fair and softly, gossip, you suck as if 
you were mad. I give thee to the devil, said 
he, thou hast not found here thy little tip- 
pling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than 
the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and 
never take in their beak full of liquor, till 



PANTAGRUEL 



93 



they be bobbed on the tails after the manner 
of the sparrows. O companion, if I could 
mount up as well as I can get down, I had 
been long ere this above the sphere of the 
moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell 
what a devil this means. This wine is so good 
and delicious, that, the more I think thereof, 
the more I am athirst. I believe that the sha- 
dow of my master Pantagruel engendereth 
the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth 
the catarrhs and defluxions. At which word 
the company began to laugh, which Panta- 
gruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that 
which moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I 
was telling them that these devilish Turks 
are very unhappy, in that they never drink 
one drop of wine, and that though there were 
no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet 
for this one base point of abstinence from 
wine, which therein is commanded, I would 
not submit myself unto their law. But now 
tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped 
out of their hands. By G , sir, said Panurge, 
I will not lie to you in one word. 

The rascally Turks had broached me upon 
a spit all larded like a rabbit, for I was so dry 
and meagre, that, otherwise, of my flesh they 
would have made but very bad meat, and in 
this manner began to roast me alive. As they 
were thus roasting me, I recommended my- 
self unto the divine grace, having in my mind 
the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in 
God that he would deliver me out of this tor- 
ment. Which came to pass, and that very 
strangely. For, as I did commit myself with 
all my heart unto God, crying, Lord God, 
help me, Lord God, save me, Lord God, take 
me out of this pain and hellish torture, where- 
in these traitorous dogs detain me for my sin- 
cerity in the maintenance of thy law! the 
roaster or turn-spit fell asleep by the divine 
will, or else by the virtue of some good Mer- 
cury, who cunningly brought Argus into a 
sleep for all his hundred eyes. When I saw 
that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I 
looked upon him, and perceived that he was 
fast asleep. Then took I up in my teeth a fire- 
brand by the end where it was not burned, 
and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and an- 
other did I throw as well as I could under a 
field-couch, that was placed near to the chim- 
ney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master 
turn-spit. Presently the fire took hold in the 
straw, and from the straw to the bed, and 
from the bed to the loft, which was planked 
and sealed with fir, after the fashion of the 



foot of a lamp. But the best was, that the fire 
which I had cast into the lap of my poultry 
roaster burned all his groin, and was begin- 
ning to seize upon his cullions, when he be- 
came sensible of the danger, for his smelling 
was not so bad, but that he felt it sooner than 
he could have seen daylight. Then suddenly 
getting up, and in a gieat amazement running 
to the window, he cried out to the streets as 
high as he could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal 
baroth, which is as much as to say Fire, fire, 
fire. Incontinently turning about, he came 
straight towards me, to throw me quite into 
the fire, and to that effect had already cut the 
ropes, wherewith my hands were tied, and 
was undoing the cords from off my feet, when 
the master of the house hearing him cry fire, 
and smelling the smoke from the very street 
where he was walking with some other Ba- 
shaws and Mustaphas, ran with all the speed 
he had to save what he could, and to carry 
away his jewels. Yet such was his rage, before 
he could well resolve how to go about it, that 
he caught the broach whereon I was spitted, 
and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of 
which wound he died there for want of regi- 
men or otherwise; for he ran him in with the 
spit a little above the naval, towards the right 
flank, till he pierced the third lappet of his 
liver, and, the blow slanting upwards from the 
midriff or diaphragm, through which it had 
made penetration, the spit passed athwart 
the pericardium, or capsule of his heart, and 
came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the 
spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the 
back, and the left homoplat, which we call 
the shoulder-blade. 

True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing 
the spit out of my body, I fell to the ground 
near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took 
some hurt, which indeed had been greater, 
but that the lardons, or little slices of bacon, 
wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. 
My bashaw then seeing the case to be desper- 
ate, his house burnt without remission, and 
all his goods lost, gave himself over unto all 
the devils in hell, calling upon some of them 
by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, 
and Gribouillis, nine several times. Which 
when I saw, I had above five penny-worth of 
fear, dreading that the devils would come 
even then to carry away this fool, and, seeing 
me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up 
too. I am already, thought I, half roasted, and 
my lardons will be the cause of my mischief; 
for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, 



94 



RABELAIS 



according to the authority which you have of 
the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in 
the Apology of Bossutis, adulterated pro 
magistros nostros. But for my better security 
I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hagios, 
athanatos ho Theos* and none came. At 
which my rogue bashaw, being very much ag- 
grieved, would, in transpiercing his heart 
with my spit, have killed himself, and to that 
purpose had set it against his breast, but it 
could not enter, because it was not sharp 
enough. Whereupon I, perceiving that he was 
not like to work upon his body the effect 
which he intended, although he did not spare 
all the force he had to thrust it forward, came 
up to him and said, Master Bugrino, thou dost 
here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose 
it, for thou wilt never kill thyself as thou do- 
est. Well, thou mayest hurt or bruise some- 
what within thee, so as to make thee languish 
all thy life-time most pitifully amongst the 
hands of the chirurgeons; but, if thou wilt be 
counselled by me, I will kill thee clear out- 
right, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, 
and trust me, for I have killed a great many 
others, who have found themselves very well 
after it. Ha, my friend, said he, I prithee do 
so, and for thy pains I give thee my budget; 
take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs 
in it and some fine diamonds, and most excel- 
lent rubies. And where are they, said Epis- 
temon? By St. John, said Panurge, they are a 
good way hence, if they always keep going. 
But where is the last year's snow? This was 
the greatest care that Villon the Parisian poet 
took. Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we 
may know how thou didst dress they bashaw. 
By the faith of an honest man, said Panurge, 
I do not lie in one word. I swaddled him in a 
scurvy swathel-binding, which I found lying 
there half burnt, and with my cords tied him 
royster-like both hand and foot, in such sort 
that he was not able to wince; then past my 
spit through his throat, and hanged him 
thereon, fastening the end thereof at two 
great hooks or cramp-irons, upon which they 
(lid hang their halberds; and then, kindling 
a fair fire under him, did flame you up my 
Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a 
chimney. With this, taking his budget, and a 
little javelin that was upon the aforesaid 
hooks, I ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God 
he knows how I did smell my shoulder of 
mutton. 

When I came down into the street, T found 
every body came to put out the fire with store 



of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they 
did naturally pity my case, and threw all 
their water upon me, which, by a most joyful 
refreshing of me, did me very much good. 
Then did they present me with some victuals, 
but I could not eat much, because they gave 
me nothing to drink but water after their 
fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only 
one little villanous Turkey knob-breasted 
rogue came thiefteously to snatch away some 
of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy 
thump and sound rap on the fingers with all 
the weight of my javelin, that he came no 
more the second time. Shortly after this, there 
came towards me a pretty young Corinthian 
wench, who brought me a box full of con- 
serves, of round Mirabolan plums, called em- 
blicks, and looked upon my poor robin with 
an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bit- 
ten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire 
from whence it came, for it reached no far- 
ther in length, believe me, than my knees. 
But note, that this roasting cured me entirely 
of a sciatica, whereunto I had been subject 
above seven years before, upon that side, 
which my roaster, by falling asleep, suffered 
to be burnt. 

Now, whilst they were busy about me, the 
fire triumphed, never ask how? For it took 
hold on above two thousand houses, which 
one of them espying cried out, saying, By 
Mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and we 
do nevertheless stand gazing here, without 
offering to make any relief. Upon this eveiy 
one ran to save his own; for my part, I took 
my way towards the gate. When I was got 
upon the knap of a little hillock, not far off, I 
turned me about as did Lot's wife, and, look- 
ing back, saw all the city burning in a fair 
fire, whereat I was so glad, that I had almost 
beshit myself for joy. But God punished me 
well for it. How? said Pantagruel. Thus, said 
Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld his 
jolly fire, jesting with myself, and saying, 
Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will have a 
bad winter of it this year, the fire is in your 
reeks, it is in your bed-straw, out came 
more than six, yea more than thirteen hun- 
dred and eleven dogs, great and small, alto- 
gether out of the town, flying away from the 
fire. At the first approach they ran all upon 
me, being carried on by the scent of my lech- 
erous half-roasted flesh, and had even then 
devoured me in a trice, if my good angel had 
not well inspired me with the instruction of a 
remedy, very sovereign against the toothache. 



PANTAGRUEL 



95 



And wherefore, said Pantagruel, wert thon 
afraid of the toothache, or pain of the teeth? 
Wert thou not cured of thy rheums? By Palm 
Sunday, said Panurge, is there any greater 
pain of the teeth, than when the dogs have 
you by the legs? But on a sudden, as my good 
angel directed me, I thought upon my lar- 
dons, and threw them into the midst of the 
field amongst them. Then did the dogs run, 
ind fight with one another at fair teeth, 
which should have the lardons. By this means 
they left me, and I left them also bustling 
with, and hairing one another. Thus did I es- 
cape frolic and lively, grammercy roast-meat 
and cookery. 

CHAPTER 15 

How Pannrge showed a very new way to 
build the Walls of Paris 

PANTAGRUEL, one day to refresh himself of 
his study, went a walking towards St. Mar- 
cel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the 
Gobeline building, and to taste of their 
spiced bread. Panurge was with him, having 
always a flagon under his gown, and a good 
slice of gammon of bacon; for without this he 
never went, saying, that it was as a yeoman 
of the guard to him, to preserve his body from 
harm. Other sword carried he none: and, 
when Pantagruel would have given him one, 
he answered, that he needed none, for that it 
would but heat his milt. Yea, but, said Epis- 
ternon, if thou shouldst be set upon, how 
wouldst thou defend thyself? With great 
brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts 
were forbidden. At their return, Panurge con- 
sidered the walls of the city of Paris, and in 
derision said to Pantagruel, See what fair 
walls are here? O how strong they are, and 
well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to 
fatten them! By my beard they are compe- 
tently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a 
cow with one fart would go near to over- 
throw above six fathoms of them. O my 
friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what 
Agesilaus said, when he was asked, Why the 
great city of Lacedaernon was not inclosed 
with walls? Lo here, said he, the walls of the 
city! in showing them the inhabitants and cit- 
izens thereof, so strong, so well-armed, so ex- 
pert in military discipline; signifying thereby, 
that there is no wall but of bones, and that 
towns and cities cannot have a surer wall, nor 
better fortification, than the prowess and vir- 
tue of the citizens and inhabitants. So is this 



city so strong, by the great number of war- 
like people that are in it, that they care not 
for making any other walls. Besides, whoso- 
ever would go about to wall it, as Strasburg, 
Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost im- 
possible, the cost and charges would be so ex- 
cessive. Yea, but, said Panurge, it is good, 
nevertheless, to have an outside of stone, 
when we are invaded by our enemies, were* 
it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the 
enormous expense, which you say would be 
needful for undertaking the great work of 
walling this city about, if the gentlemen of 
the town will be pleased to give me a good 
rough cup of wine, 1 will show them a pretty, 
strange, and new way, how they may build 
them good cheap. How? said Pantagruel. Do 
not speak of it, then, answered Panurge, and 
I will tell it you. I see that the sine quo nous, 
calUbifitris, or contrapunctnms of the women 
of this country are cheaper than stones. Of 
them should the walls be built, ranging them 
in good symmetry by the rules of architecture 
and placing the largest in the first ranks, then 
sloping downwards ridgeways, like the back 
of an ass. The middlesi/ed ones must be 
ranked next, and last of all the least and 
smallest. This done, there must be a fine little 
interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, 
as is to be seen in the great tower of Bouigcs, 
with a like number of the nudinnudos, nilni- 
sistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in 
amongst the claustral codpieces. What devil 
were able to overthrow such walls? HICK? is 
no metal like it to resist blows, in so far that, 
if culverin-shot should come to graze upon it, 
you would incontinently see distil from 
thence the blessed fruit of the great pox, as 
small as rain. Beware, in the name of the dev- 
ils, and hold off. Furthermore, no thunder- 
bolt or lightning would fall upon it. For, 
why? They are all either blest or consecrated. 
I see but one inconveniency in it. Ho, ha, ha, 
ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that? It is, 
that the flies would be so liquorish of them, 
that you would wonder, and they would 
quickly gather there together, and there leave 
their ordure and excretions, and so all the 
work would be spoiled. But sec how that 
might be remedied; they must be wiped and 
made rid of the flies with fair fox-tails, or 
good great viedazes, which arc ass-pizzles, of 
Provence. And to this purpose I will tell you, 
as we go to supper, a brave example set down 
by Prater Lnbinus, Libro de compotationibu.s 
mendicantium.^ 



96 



RABELAIS 



In the time that the beasts did speak, 
which is not yet three days since, a poor lion, 
walking through the forest of Bieure, and say- 
ing his own little private devotions, past un- 
der a tree, where there was a roguish collier 
gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the 
lion, cast his hatchet at him, and wounded 
him enormously in one of his legs, whereupon 
the lion halting, he so long toiled and tur- 
moiled himself in roaming up and down the 
forest to find help, that at last he met with a 
carpenter, who willingly looked upon his 
wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and 
filled it with moss, telling him that he must 
wipe his wound well, that the flies might not 
do their excrements in it, whilst he should go 
search for some yarrow or millefoil, common- 
ly called the carpenter's herb. The lion being 
thus healed, walked along in the forest; at 
what time a scmpiternous crone and old hag 
was picking up and gathering some sticks in 
the said forest, who, seeing the lion coming 
towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in 
such sort, thai the wind blew up her gown, 
coats, and smock, even as far as above her 
shoulders. Which the lion, perceiving, for 
pity ran to see, whether she had taken any 
hurt by the fall; thereupon, considering her 
how do you call it, said, O poor woman, who 
hath thus wounded thee? Which words, when 
he had thus spoken, he espied a fox, whom he 
called to come to him, saying, Gossip Rey- 
nard, ha, hither, hither, and for cause! When 
the fox was come, he said unto him, My gos- 
sip and friend, they have hurt this good wom- 
an here between the legs most villanously, 
and there is a manifest solution of continuity. 
See how great a wound it is, even from the 
tail up to the navel, in measure four, nay full 
five handfulls and a-half. This is the blow of 
an hatchet, I doubt me, it is an old wound; 
and therefore that the flies may not get into 
it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, 
both within and without; thou hast a good 
tail, and long. Wipe, my friend, wipe, I be- 
seech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go 
get some moss to put into it; for thus ought 
we to succour and help one another. Wipe it 
hard, thus, my friend, wipe it well, for this 
wound must be often wiped, otherwise the 
party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, rny 
little gossip, wipe, God hath furnished thee 
with a tail, thou hast a long one, and of a big- 
ness proportionable, wipe hard, and be not 
weary. A good wiper, who, in wiping contin- 



ually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall 
never be wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion, 
wipe my little bully, I will not stay long. Then 
went he to get store of moss; and, when he 
was a little way off, he cried out in speaking 
to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, 
and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my 
little gossip, I will put thee into service to be 
wiper to Don Pedro de Castille, wipe, only 
wipe, and no more. The poor fox wiped as 
hard as he could, here and there, within and 
without; but the false old trot did so fizzle 
and foist, that she stunk like a hundred devils, 
which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill- 
ease, for he knew not to what side to turn 
himself, to escape the unsavoury perfume of 
this old woman's postern blasts. And whilst to 
that effect he was shifting hither and thither, 
without knowing how to shun the annoyance 
of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that, be- 
hind, there was yet another hole, not so great 
as that which he did wipe, out of which came 
this filthy and infectious air. The lion at last 
returned, bringing with him of moss more 
than eighteen packs would hold, and began 
to put into the wound, with a staff which he 
had provided for that purpose, and had al- 
ready put in full sixteen packs and a half, at 
which he was amazed. What a devil? said he, 
this wound is very deep, it would hold above 
two cart loads of moss. The fox, perceiving 
this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my 
friend, I pray thee, do not put in all thy moss 
there, keep somewhat, for there is here an- 
other little hole, that stinks like five hundred 
devils; I am almost choked with the smell 
thereof, it is so pestiferous and impoisomng. 
Thus must these walls be kept from the 
flies, and wages allowed to some for wiping of 
them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou 
know that the privy parts of women are at 
such a cheap rate? For in this city there are 
many virtuous, honest, and chaste women be- 
sides the maids. Et iihi prenns?* 2 said Pa- 
riurge. I will give you my opinion of it, and 
that upon certain and assured knowledge. I 
do not brag, that I have bum-basted four hun- 
dred and seventeen, since I came into this 
city, though it be but nine days ago; but this 
very morning I met with a good fellow, who 
in a wallet, such as ^Esop's was, carried two 
little girls, of two or three years old at the 
most, one before, and the other behind. He 
demanded alms of me, but I made him an- 
swer, that I had more cods than pence. After- 



PANTAGRUEL 



97 



wards I asked him, Good man, these two 
girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, 1 have 
carried them thus these two years, and in re- 
gard of her that is before, whom I see contin- 
ually, in my opinion she is a virgin; neverthe- 
less, I will not put my finger in the fire for it; 
as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say 
nothing. 

Indeed, said Panlagruel, thou art a gentle 
companion, I will have thee to be apparelled 
in my livery. And therefore caused him to be 
clothed most gallantly according to the fash- 
ion that then was, only that Pannrge would 
have the codpiece of his breeches three feet 
long, and in shape square, not lound; which 
was done, and was well worth the seeing. 
Oftentimes was he wont to say, that the 
world had not yet known the emolument and 
utility that is in wearing great codpieces; but 
time would one day teach it them, as all 
things have been invented in time. God keep 
from hurt, said he, the good fellow whose 
long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! 
God keep from hurt him, whose long braguet 
hath been worth to him in one day one hun- 
dred threescore thousand and nine crowns! 
God keep from hurt him, who by his long 
braguet hath saved a whole city from famine! 
And, by God, I will make a book of the com- 
modity of long braguets, when I shall have 
more leisure. And indeed he composed a fair 
great book with figures; but it is not printed 
as yet that I know of. 

CHAPTER 16 

Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge 

PANURGE was of a middle stature, not too 
high nor too low, and had somewhat an aqui- 
line nose, made like the handle of a razor. He 
was at that time five and thirty years old, or 
thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden dagger, 
for he was a notable cheater and cony- 
catcher, he was a very gallant and proper 
man of his person, only that he was a little 
lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind of 
disease, which at that time they called lack of 
money, it is an incomparable grief, yet, not- 
withstanding, he had threescore and three 
tricks to come by it at his need, of which the 
most honourable and most ordinary was in 
manner of thieving, secret purloining, and 
filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a 
cozener, drinker, roysterer, rover, and a very 
dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were 



any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters 
else, the best and most virtuous man in the 
world; and he was still contriving some plot, 
and devising mischief against the Serjeants 
and the watch. 

At one time he assembled three or four 
especial good hacksters and roaring boys; 
made them in the evening drink like Temp- 
lars, afterwards led them till they came under 
St. Gcncvieve, or about the college of Na- 
varre, and, at the hour that the watch was 
coming up that way, which he knew by put- 
ting his sword upon the pavement, and his 
ear by it, and, when he heard his sword shake, 
it was an infallible sign that the watch was 
near at that instant, then he and his com- 
panions took a tumbrel or dun gear t, and gave 
it the brangle, hurling it with all their force 
down the hill, and so overthrew all the poor 
watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon 
the other side; for in less than two days he 
knew all the streets, lanes, and turnings in 
Paris, as well as his DCMS dt't. 

At another time he laid in some fair place 
where the said watch was to pass, a train of 
gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they 
went along, set fire to it, and then made him- 
self sport to see what good grace they had in 
running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire 
had caught them by the legs. As for the poor 
masters of arts, he did prosecute them above 
all others. When he encountered with any of 
them upon the street, he would never fail to 
put some trick or other upon them, sometimes 
putting the bit of a fried turd in their gradu- 
ate hoods, at other times pinning on little fox- 
tails, or hare-ears behind them, or some such 
other roguish prank. One day that they were 
appointed all to meet in the Fodder-street, 
(Sorbonnc,) he made a Borbonnesa tart, or 
filthy and slovenly compound, made of store 
of garlick, of axsafcL'tida, of caxtorenm, of 
dog's turds very warm, which he steeped, 
tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter 
of pocky boils, and pestiferous botches; and, 
very early,in the morning, therewith anointed 
all the pavement, in such sort, that the devil 
could not have endured it, which made all 
these good people there to lay up their gorges, 
and vomit what was upon their stomachs be- 
fore all the world, as if they had flayed the 
fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the 
plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen 
grew lousy, and above seven and twenty had 
the pox, but he did not care a button for it. 



98 



RABELAIS 



He commonly carried a whip under his gown, 
wherewith he whipped without remission the 
pages, whom he found carrying wine to their 
masters, to make them mend their pace. In his 
coat he had about six and twenty little fobs 
and pockets always full, one with some lead- 
water, and a little knife as sharp as a glover's 
needle, wherewith he used to cut purses: an- 
other with some kind of bitter stuff, which he 
threw into the eyes of those he met: another 
with clotburs, penned with little geese's or 
capons' feathers, which he cast upon the 
gowns and caps of honest people, and often 
made themTair horns, which they wore about 
all the city, sometimes all their life. Very of- 
ten also upon the women's French hoods 
would he stick in the hind-part somewhat 
made in the shape of a man's member. In an- 
other, he had a great many little horns full of 
fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the 
beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with 
small canes or quills to write with, into the 
necks of the daintiest gentlewomen that he 
could find, yet, even in the church; for he 
never seated himself above in the choir, but 
always sat in the body of the church amongst 
the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at 
sermon. In another, he used to have good 
store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he 
would couple men and women together, that 
satin company close to one another, but espe- 
cially those that wore gowns of crimson taf- 
faties, that, when they were about to go away, 
they might rend all their gowns. In another, 
he had a squib furnished with tinder, match- 
es, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling 
necessary for it. In another, two or three 
burning glasses, wherewith he made both 
men and women sometimes mad, and in the 
church put them quite out of countenance; 
for he said, that there was but an antistrophe, 
or little more difference than of a literal inver- 
sion between a woman, folle d la mease and 
molle (I la fesse; that is, foolish at the mass, 
and of a pliant buttock. 

In another, he had a good deal of needles 
and thread, wherewith he did a thousand lit- 
tle devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of 
the palace unto the great hall, where a certain 
grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to the 
counsellors, he did help to apparel him, and 
put on his vestments; but in the accoutreing 
of him, he sewed on his alb, surplice or stole, 
to his gown and shirt, and then withdrew 
himself, when the said lords of the court, or 
counsellors came to hear the said mass. But 



when it came to the lie, missa est, M that the 
poor Fratcr would have laid by his stole or 
surplice, as the fashion then was, he plucked 
off withal both his frock and shirt, which were 
well sewed together, and thereby stripping 
himself up to the very shoulders, showed his 
bcl vedcre to all the world, together with his 
Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as 
you may imagine. And the friar still kept 
hauling, but so much the more did he discov- 
er himself, and lay open his back-parts, till 
one of the lords of the court said, How now, 
what's the matter? will this fair father make 
us here an offering of his tail to kiss it? Nay, 
St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us! From hence- 
forth it was ordained that the poor fathers 
should never disrobe themselves any more be- 
fore the world, but in their vestry-room, or 
sextry, as they call it, especially in the pres- 
ence of women, lest it should tempt them to 
the sin of longing and inordinate desire. The 
people then asked, why it was, the friars had 
so long and large genitories? The said Pan- 
urge resolved the problem very neatly, say- 
ing, That which makes asses to have such 
great ears is, that their dams did put no big- 
gins on their heads, as d'Alliaco mentioneth in 
his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which 
makes the genitories or generation-tools of 
those fair frateis so long, is, for that they wear 
no bottomed breeches, and therefore their 
jolly member, having no impediment, hang- 
cth dangling at liberty, as far as it can reach, 
with a wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as 
women carry their Paternoster beads. And 
the cause wherefore they have it so corre- 
spondingly great is, that in this constant wig- 
wagging the humours of the body descend in- 
to the said member. For, according to the leg- 
ists, agitation and continual motion is cause 
of attraction. 

Item, he had another pocket full of itch- 
ing powder, called stone-allum, whereof he 
would cast some into the backs of those wom- 
en whom he judged to be most beautiful and 
stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that 
some would strip themselves in the open view 
of the world, and others dance like a cock up- 
on hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabour. 
Others again ran about the streets, and he 
would run after them. To such as were in the 
stripping vein he would very civilly come to 
offer his attendance, and cover them with his 
cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man. 

Item, in another he had a little leather bot- 
tle full of old oil, wherewith, when he saw 



PANTAGRUEL 



99 



any man or woman in a rich new handsome 
suit, he would grease, smutch, and spoil all 
the best parts of it under colour and pretence 
of touching them, saying, this is good cloth, 
this is good satin, good taffuties: Madam, 
God give you all that your noble heart de- 
sireth! You have a new suit, pretty sir; and 
you a new gown, sweet mistress, God give 
you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosper- 
ity! And with this would lay his hand upon 
their shoulder, at which touch such a villan- 
ous spot was left behind, so enormously en- 
graven to perpetuity in the very soul, body 
and reputation, that the devil himself could 
never have taken it way. Then upon his de- 
parting, he would say, Madam, take heed you 
do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole be- 
fore you, whereinto if you put your foot, you 
will quite spoil yourself. 

Another he had all full of euphorbium, 
very finely pulverised. In that powder did he 
lay a fair handkerchief, curiously wrought, 
which he had stolen from a pretty sempstress 
of the palace, in taking away a louse from off 
her bosom, which he had put there himself, 
and, when he came into the company of some 
good ladies, he would trifle them into a dis- 
course of some fine workmanship of bone- 
lace, and then immediately put his hand into 
their bosom, asking them, And this work, is it 
of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew 
out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, 
hold, look what work here is, it is of Foutig- 
nan or of Fontarabia, and, shaking it hard at 
their nose, made them sneeze for four hours 
without ceasing. In the meanwhile he would 
fart like a horse, and the women would laugh 
and say, How now, do you fart, Panurge? No, 
no, Madam, said he, 1 do but tune my tail to 
the plain song of the music, which you make 
with your nose. In another he had a picklock, 
a pelican, a cramp-iron, a crook and some 
other iron tools, wherewith there was no door 
nor coffer which he could not pick open. He 
had another full of little cups, wherewith he 
played very artificially, for he had his fingers 
to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, 
and had heretofore cried treacle. And when 
he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other 
piece of money, the changer had been more 
subtle than a fox, if Panurge had not at every 
time made five or six sols, (that is some six or 
seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly 
and manifestly, without making any hurt or 
lesion, whereof the changer should have felt 
nothing but the wind. 



CHAPTER 17 



How Fannrgc gained the pardons, and mar- 
ried the old Women, and of the suit in Law 
which he had at Paris 

ONE day I found Panurge very much out of 
countenance, melancholic, and silent, which 
made me suspect that he had no money, 
whereupon I said unto him, Panurge, you are 
sick, as I do very well perceive by your physi- 
ognomy, and I know the disease. You have a 
flux in your purse; but take no care. I have 
yet seven pence half-penny, that never saw 
father nor mother, which shall not be want- 
ing, no more than the pox in your necessity. 
Whereunto he answered me, Well, well, for 
money, one day I shall have but too much; for 
I have a philosopher's stone, which attracts 
money out of men's purses, as the adamant 
cloth iron. But will you go with me to gain 
the pardons? said he. By my faith, said I, I 
am no great pardon-taker in this world, if I 
shall be any such in the other, 1 cannot tell; 
yet let us go, in God's name, it is but one far- 
thing more or less. But, said he, lend me then 
a farthing upon interest. No, no, said I, I will 
give it you freely and from my heart. Grates 
vobis dominos*-' said ho. 

So we went along, beginning at St. Ger- 
vase, and I got the pardons at the first box 
only, for in those matters very little content- 
eth rne. Then did I say my suffrages, and the 
prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them at 
all the boxes, and always gave money to every 
one of the pardoners. From thence we went to 
our Lady's church, to St. John's, to St. An- 
thony's, and so to the other churches, where 
there was a bank of pardons. For my part, I 
gained no more of them; but he at all the 
boxes kissed the relics, and gave at every one. 
To be brief, when we were returned, he 
brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and 
there he showed me ten or twelve of his lit- 
tle bags full of money, at which I blest my- 
self, and made the sign of the cross, saying, 
Where have you recovered so much money in 
so little time? Unto which he answered me, 
that he had taken it out of the basins of the 
pardons. For in giving them the first farthing, 
said he, I put it in with such slight of hand, 
and so dexterously, that it appeared to be a 
three-pence, thus with one hand I took three- 
pence, nine-pence, or six-pence at the least, 
and with the other as much, and so through 
all the churches where we have been. Yea, 
but said I, you damn yourself like a snake. 



100 



RABELAIS 



and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. 
True, said he, in your opinion, but I am not 
of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it, 
when they say unto me, in presenting the rel- 
ics to kiss, Centupliim accipies, that is, that 
for one penny I should take a hundred; for 
accipics is spoken according to the manner of 
the Hebrews, who use the future tense in- 
stead of the imperative, as you have in the 
law, Diliges Dominnm; that is, Dilige. Even 
so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Cen- 
tuphnn accipies, his meaning is Centiiphtm 
accipc; and so doth Rabbi Kirny, and Rabbi 
Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Massorets, 
et ibi Bartholns* b Moreover, Pope Sixtus 
gave me fifteen hundred francs of yearly pen- 
sion, which in English money is a hundred 
and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical reve- 
nues and treasure, for having cured him of a 
cankerous botch, which did so torment him, 
that he thought to have been a cripple by it 
all his life. Thus I do pay myself at my own 
hand, for otherwise I get nothing, upon the 
said ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my friend, 
said he, if thou didst know what advantage I 
made, and how well I feathered my nest, by 
the pope's bull of the crusade, thou wouldest 
wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me 
above six thousand florins; in English coin six 
hundred pounds. And what a devil is become 
of them? said I; for of that money thou hast 
not one half-penny. They returned from 
whence they came, said he; they did no more 
but change their master. 

But I employed at least three thousand of 
them, that is, three hundred pounds English, 
in inai rying, not young virgins; for they find 
but too many husbands, but great old sempi- 
ternous trots, which had not so much as one 
tooth in their heads; and that out of the con- 
sideration I had, that these good old women 
had very well spent the time of their youth in 
playing at the close-buttock-game to all com- 
ers, serving the foremost first, till no man 
would have any more dealing with them. 
And by G , I will have their skincoat shaken 
once yet before they die. By this means, to 
one I gave a hundred florins, to another six 
score, to another three hundred, according to 
that they were infamous, detestable, and 
abominable. For, by how much the more hon- 
ourable and execrable they were, so much the 
more must I needs have given them, other- 
wise the devil would not have jum'd them. 
Presently I went to some great and fat wood- 
porter, or such like, and did myself make the 



match. But, before I did show him the old 
hags, I made a fair muster to him of the 
crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will 
give thee, if thou wilt but condescend to 
duffle, clinfredaille, or lecher it one good bout. 
Then began the poor rogues to gape like old 
mules, and I caused (o be provided for them 
a banquet, with drink of tlie best, and store 
of spiceries, to put the old women in rut and 
heat of lust. To be short, they occupied all 
like good souls; only, to those that were hor- 
ribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their 
head to be put within a bag to hide their face. 
Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in 
suits of law. And what law-suits coulclest 
thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor 
lands. My friend, said he, the gentlewomen 
of this city had found out, by the instigation 
of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mount- 
ed bands, and neckerchiefs for women, which 
did so closely cover their bosoms, that men 
could no more put their hands under. For 
they had put the slit behind, and those neck- 
cloths were wholly shut before, whereat the 
poor sad contemplative lovers were much 
discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday, I present- 
ed a petition to the court, making myself a 
party against the said gentlewomen, and 
showing the great interest that I pretended 
therein, protesting that by the same reason, I 
would cause the codpiece of my breeches to 
be sewed behind, if the court would not take 
order for it. In sum, the gentlewomen put in 
their defences, showed the grounds they 
went upon, and constituted their attorney for 
the prosecuting of the cause. But I pursued 
them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the 
court it was decreed those high neckcloths 
should be no longer worn, if they were not a 
little cleft and open before; but it cost me a 
good sum of money. I had another very filthy 
and beastly process against the dimg-farrner 
called Master Fifi and his deputies, that they 
should no more read privily the pipe, punch- 
eon, nor quart of Sentences; but in fair full 
day, and that in the Fodder schools, in face 
of the Arrian sophisters; where I was ordained 
to pay the charges, by reason of some clause 
mistaken in the relation of the sergeant. An- 
other time I framed a complaint to the court 
against the mules of the presidents, counsel- 
lors, and others, tending to this purpose, that, 
when in the lower court of the palace they 
left them to champ on their bridles, some bibs 
were made for them by the counsellors' wives, 
that with their drivelling they might not spoil 



PANTAGRUEL 



101 



the pavement; to the end that the pages of 
the palace might play upon it with their dice, 
or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, 
without spoiling their breeches at the knees. 
And for this I had a fair decree; but it cost 
me dear. Now reckon up \\ hat expense I was 
at in little banquets, which from day to day I 
made to the pages of the palace. And to what 
end? said I. My friend, said he, thou hast no 
pastime at all in this world. I have more than 
the king, and if thou wilt join thyself with me, 
we will do the devil together. No, no, said I, 
by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt 
be hanged one time or other. And thou, said 
he, wilt be interred some time or other. Now, 
which is most honourable, the air or the 
earth? Ho, grosse pecore! 

Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I 
keep their mules, and to some one I cut the 
stirrup-leather of the mounting side, till it 
hung by a thin strap or thread, that when the 
great puff-buts of the counsellor or some oth- 
er hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall 
flat on his side like a porker, and so furnish 
the spectators with more than a hundred 
francs' worth of laughter. But I laugh yet fur- 
ther, to think how at his homecoming the 
master-page is to be whipped like green rye, 
which makes me not to repent what I have 
bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had, 
as I said before, threescore and three ways to 
acquire money, but he had two hundred and 
fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking. 

CHAPTER 18 

How a great Scholar of England would have 
argued against Pantagruel, and was over- 
come by Pamirge 

IN that same time, a certain learned man, 
named Thaumast, hearing the fame and re- 
nown of Pantagruers incomparable knowl- 
edge, came out of his own country of Eng- 
land with an intent only to see him, to try 
thereby, and prove, whether his knowledge 
in effect was so great as it was reported to be. 
In this resolution, being arrived at Paris, he 
went forthwith unto the house of the said 
Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of 
St. Denys, and was then walking in the gar- 
den thereof with Panurge, philosophizing af- 
ter the fashion of the Peripatetics. At his first 
entrance he startled and was almost out of his 
wits for fear, seeing him so great, and so tall. 
Then did he salute him courteously as the 
manner is, and said unto him, Very true it is, 
saith Plato, the prince of philosophers, that, 



if the image and knowledge of wisdom were 
corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it 
would stir up all the world to admire her. 
Which we may the rather believe, that the 
very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, 
if it happen to be received into the ears of 
men, who, for being studious, and lovers of 
virtuous things, are called philosophers, doth 
not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, but 
so prickcth them up, and sets them on fire, to 
run unto the place vvheie the person is, in 
whom the said knowledge is said to have built 
her temple, and uttered her oracles. As it was 
manifestly shown unto us in the queen of 
Shcba, who came from the utmost borders of 
the East and Persian sea, to see the order of 
Solomon's house, and to hear his wisdom; in 
Anarcharsis, who came out of Scythia, even 
unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who 
travelled far to visit the memphitical vatici- 
nators; in Plato, who went a great way off to 
see the magicians of Egypt, and Architas of 
Tarentum; in Apollonius Tyaneus, who went 
as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along 
the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, 
and sailed over the great river Phison, even to 
the Brachrnans to see Hiarchas; as likewise 
unto Babylon, Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Par- 
thia, Syria, Plxrnicia, Arabia, Palestina, and 
Alexandria, even unto /Ethiopia, to see the 
Gymnosophists. The like example have we of 
Titus Livius, whom to sec and hear, divers 
studious persons came to Rome, from the con- 
fines of France and Spain. I dare not reckon 
myself in the number of those so excellent 
persons, but well would be called studious, 
and a lover, not only of learning, but of 
learned men also. And indeed, having heard 
the report of your so inestimable knowledge, 
I have left my country, my friends, my kin- 
dred, my house, and am come thus far, valu- 
ing as nothing the length of the way, the tecli- 
ousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the 
land, and that only to see you, and to confer 
with you about some passages in philosophy, 
of geomancy, and of the cabalistic art, where- 
of I am doubtful, and cannot satisfy my mind; 
which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto 
you for a slave henceforward, together with 
all my posterity; for other gift have I none, 
that I can esteem a recompence sufficient for 
so great a favour. I will reduce them into 
writing, and to-morrow publish them to all 
the learned men in the city, that we may dis- 
pute publicly before them. 

But see in what manner I mean that we 



102 



RABELAIS 



shall dispute. I will not argue pro ei contra, 
as do the sottish sophisters of this town, and 
other places. Likewise I will not dispute after 
the manner of the academics by declamation; 
nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont 
to do, and as Picus de la Mirandula did of 
late at Rome. But I will dispute by signs only, 
without speaking, for the matters are so ab- 
struse, hard, and arduous, that words pro- 
ceeding from the mouth of man will never be 
sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking. 
May it, therefore, please your magnificence 
to be there, it shall be at the great hall of Na- 
varre, at seven o'clock in the morning. When 
he had spoke these words, Pantagruel very 
honourably said unto him, Sir, of the graces 
that God hath bestowed upon me, I would 
not deny to communicate unto any man to my 
power. For whatever comes from him is good, 
and his pleasure is, that it should be in- 
creased, when we come amongst men worthy 
and fit to receive this celestial manna of hon- 
est literature. In which number, because that 
in this time, as I do already very plainly per- 
ceive, thou boldest the first rank, I give thee 
notice, that at all hours thou shalt find me 
ready to condescend to every one of thy re- 
quests, according to my poor ability; al- 
though I ought rather to learn of thee, than 
thou of me. But, as thou hast protested, we 
will confer of thy doubts together, and will 
seek out the resolution, even unto the bottom 
of that undrainable well, where Heraclitus 
says the truth lies hidden. And I do highly 
commend the manner of arguing which thou 
hast proposed, to wit, by signs without speak- 
ing; for by this means thou and I shall under- 
stand one another well enough, and yet shall 
be free from that clapping of hands, which 
these blockish sophisters make, when any of 
the arguers hath gotten the better of the argu- 
ment. Now to-morrow I will not fail to meet 
thee at the place and hour that thou hast ap- 
pointed, but let me entreat thee, that there be 
not any strife or uproar between us, and that 
we seek not the honour and applause of men, 
but the truth only. To which Thaumast an- 
swered, The Lord God maintain you in his 
favour and grace, and, instead of my thank- 
fulness to you, pour down his blessings upon 
you, for that your highness and magnificent 
greatness hath not disdained to descend to 
the grant of the request of my poor baseness. 
So farewell till-tomorrow! Farewell, said Pan- 
tagruel. 

Gentlemen, you that read this present dis- 



course, think not that ever men were more 
elevated and transported in their thoughts, 
than all this night were both Thaumast and 
Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the 
keeper of the house of Gluny, where he was 
lodged, that in all his life he had never known 
himself so dry as he was that night. I think, 
said he, that Pantagruel held me by the 
throat. Give order, I pray you, that we may 
have some drink, and see that some fresh wa- 
ter be brought to us, to gargle my palate. On 
the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits 
as high as he could, entering into very deep 
and serious meditations, and did nothing all 
that night but dote upon, and turn over the 
book of Bcda, DC Nurncris ct signis; Plotin's 
book, De Inenarrabilibus; the book of Proc- 
lus, De Magia; the book of Artemidorus, 
Trepl 'Oi>etpoKpm/ttoi>; of Aiiaxagoras, Trept 
Zr/^ietcoj/; Dinarius, Trept 'A</>drcoj>; the books of 
Philistion; Hipponax, Trcpt 'Ai>e/c0u>j>r;Tcoj>, and 
a rabble of others, so long that Panurge said 
unto him: 

My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to 
bed; for I perceive your spirits to be so trou- 
bled by a too intensive bending of them, that 
you may easily fall into some quotidian fever 
with this so excessive thinking and plodding. 
But, having first drunk five and twenty or 
thirty good draughts, retire yourself and sleep 
your fill, for in the morning I will argue 
against and answer my master the English- 
man, and, if I drive him not ad metam non 
loqui,* 7 then call me knave. Yea, but, said 
he, my friend Panurge, he is marvellously 
learned, how wilt thou be able to answer him? 
Very well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk 
no more of it, but let me alone. Is any man so 
learned as the devils are? No, indeed, said 
Pantagruel, without God's especial grace. Yet 
for all that, said Panurge, I have argued 
against them, gravelled and blanked them in 
disputation, and laid them so squat upon their 
tails, that I made them look like monkies. 
Therefore, be assured, that to-morrow 1 will 
make this vain-glorious Englishman to skite 
vinegar before all the world. So Panurge 
spent the night with tippling amongst the 
pages, and played away all the points of his 
breeches at primus et secundus, and at peck 
point, in French called La Vergette. Yet, 
when the appointed time was come, he failed 
not to conduct his master Pantagruel to the 
appointed place, unto which, believe me, 
there was neither great nor small in Paris but 
came, thinking with themselves that this dev- 



PANTAGRUEL 



103 



ilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and 
vanquished in dispute all these doting fresh- 
water sophisters, would now get full pay- 
ment and be tickled to some purpose. For 
this Englishman is a terrible bustler, and hor- 
rible coil-keeper. We will see who will be the 
conqueror, for he never met with his match 
before. 

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast staid 
for them; and then, when Pantagruel and 
Panurge came into the hall, all the school- 
boys, professors of arts, senior-sophisters, and 
bachelors, began to clap their hands, as their 
scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out 
with a loud voice, as if it had been the sound 
of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a 
devil to you, peace! By G , you rogues, if 
you trouble me here, I will cut off the heads 
of every one of you. At which words they re- 
mained all daunted and astonished like so 
many ducks, and durst not so much as cough, 
although they had swallowed fifteen pounds 
of feathers. Withal, they grew so dry with this 
only voice, that they laid out their tongues a 
full half foot beyond their mouths, as if Pan- 
tagruel had salted all their throats. Then be- 
gan Panurge to speak, saying to the English- 
man, Sir, are you come hither to dispute con- 
tentiously in those propositions you have set 
down, or otherwise but to learn and know the 
truth? To which answered Thaumast, Sir, no 
other thing brought me hither but the great 
desire I had to learn, and to know, that of 
which I have doubted all my life long, and 
have neither found book nor man able to con- 
tent me in the resolution of those doubts 
which I have proposed. And, as for disputing 
contentiously, I will not do it, for it is too base 
a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish 
sophisters, who, in their disputes do not 
search for the truth, but for contradiction 
only and debate. Then, said Panurge, If I 
who am but a mean and inconsiderable dis- 
ciple of my master, my lord Pantagruel, con- 
tent and satisfy you in all and everything, it 
were a thing below my said master, where- 
with to trouble him. Therefore is it fitter that 
he be chairman, and sit as a judge and mod- 
erator of our discourse and purpose, and give 
you satisfaction in many things, wherein per- 
haps I shall be wanting in your expectation. 
Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said, Be- 
gin then. Now you must note, that Panurge 
had set at the end of his long codpiece a 
pretty tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, 
and blue, and within it had put a fair orange. 



CHAPTER 19 



How Panurge put to a non-plus the English- 
man, that argued by signs 

EVERYBODY then taking heed and hearkening 
with great silence, the Englishman lift up on 
high into the air his two hands severally, 
clenching in all the tops of his fingers togeth- 
er, after the manner, which, a la Chinonnese, 
they call the hen's arse, and struck the one 
hand on the other by the nails four several 
times. Then he, opening them, struck the one 
with the flat of the other, till it yielded a 
clashing noise, and that only once. Again, in 
joining them as before, he struck twice, and 
afterwards four times in opening them. Then 
did he lay thorn joined, and extended the one 
towards the other, as if he had been devout- 
ly to send up his piayers unto God. Panurge 
suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, 
and put the thumb thereof into the nostril of 
the same side, holding his four fingers straight 
out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to 
the point of his nose, shutting the left eye 
wholly, and making the other wink with a 
profound depression of the eyebrows and 
eyelids. Then lifted he up his left hand, with 
hard wringing and stretching forth his four 
fingers, and elevating his thumb, which he 
held in a line directly correspondent to the 
situation of his right hand, with the distance 
of a cubit and a half between them. This 
done, in the same form he abased towards the 
ground both the one and the other hand. 
Lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming 
right at the Englishman's noso. And if Mer- 
cury, said the Englishman. There Panurge 
interrupted him, and said, You have spoken, 
Mask. 

Then made the Englishman tin's sign. His 
left hand all open he lifted up into the air, 
then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers 
thereof, and his thumb extended at length he 
placed upon the gristle of his nose. Presently 
after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and 
all open abased and bent it downwards, put- 
ting the thumb thereof in the very place 
where the little finger of the left hand did 
close in the fist, and the four right hand fin- 
gers he softly moved in the air. Then con- 
trarily he did with the right hand what he had 
done with the left, and with the left what he 
had done with the right. 

Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, 
drew out into the air his trismegist codpiece 
with the left hand, and with his right drew 



104 



RABELAIS 



forth a truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two 
pieces of wood of a like form, one of black 
ebony, and the other of incarnation Brazil, 
and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand 
in good symmetry; then knocking them to- 
gether, made such a noise as the lepers of 
Brittany use to do with their clappering click- 
ets, yet better resounding, and far more har- 
monious, and with his tongue contracted in 
his mouth did very merrily waible it, always 
looking fixedly upon the Englishman. The di- 
vines, physicians, and chirurgeons, that were 
there, thought that by this sign he would 
have inferred that the Englishman was a lep- 
er. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists 
conceived that, by doing this, he would have 
concluded some kind of moi tal felicity lo con- 
sist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained hereto- 
fore. 

The Englishman for all this was nothing 
daunted, but, holding up his two hands in the 
air, kept them in such form, that he closed the 
three master fingers in his fist, and passing his 
thumbs through his indical, or foremost and 
middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers 
remained extended and stretched out, and so 
presented he them to Panurge. Then joined 
he them so, that the right thumb touched the 
left, and the left little finger touched the 
right. Unreal Panurge, without speaking one 
word, lifted up his hands and made this sign. 

He put the nail of the forefinger of his left 
hand to the nail of the thumb of the same, 
making in the middle of the distance as it 
were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up 
all the fingers into his fist, except the forefin- 
ger, which he often thrust in and out through 
the said two others of the left hand. Then 
stretched he out the forefinger, and middle 
finger or medical ot his right hand, holding 
them asunder as much as he could, and 
thrusting them toward Thaumast. Then did 
he put the thumb of his left hand upon the 
corner of his left eye, stretching out all his 
hand like the wing of a bird, or the fin of a 
fish, and, moving it very daintily this way and 
that way, he did as much with his right hand 
upon the corner of his right eye. Thaumast 
began then to wax somewhat pale, and to 
tremble, and made him this sign. 

With the middle finger of his right hand he 
struck against the muscle of the palm or pulp, 
which is under the thumb. Then put he the 
forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle 
of the left, but he put it under and not over, 
as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one 



hand against another, and blowed in his palm, 
and put again the forefinger of his right hand 
into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling 
it often in and out. Then held he out his chin, 
most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The 
people there, who understood nothing in the 
other signs, knew very well that therein he 
demanded, without speaking a word to Thau- 
mast What do you mean by that? In effect, 
Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, 
and seemed to all the spectators a man 
strangely ravished in high contemplation. 
Then he bethought himself, and put all the 
nails of his left hand against those of his right, 
opening his fingers as if they had been semi- 
circles, arid with this sign lifted up his hands 
as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge 
presently put the thumb of his right hand un- 
der his jaws, and the little finger thereof in 
the mouth of the left hand, and in this pos- 
ture made his teeth to sound very melodious- 
ly, the upper against the lower. With this 
Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of 
spirit, rose up, but in rising he let a great bak- 
er's fart, for the bran came after; and pissing 
withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the 
devils in hell. The company began to stop 
their noses; for he had conshitcd himself with 
mere anguish and perplexity. Then lifted he 
up his right hand, clenching it in such sort, 
that he brought the ends of all his fingers to 
meet together, and his left hand he laid flat 
upon his breast. Whereat Panurge drew out 
his long cod-piece with his tuft, and stretched 
it forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the air 
with his right hand, and with his left took out 
his orange, and, casting it up into the air sev- 
en times, at the eighth he hid it in the fist of 
his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, 
and then began to shake his fair cod-piece, 
showing it to Thaumast. 

After that, Thaumast began to puff up his 
two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and 
blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's blad- 
der. Whereupon Panurge put one finger of 
his left hand in his nockandrow, by some 
called St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth 
sucked in the air, in such a manner as when 
one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup 
up our broth. This done, he opened his 
mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand 
flat upon it, making therewith a great and a 
deep sound, as if it came from the superficies 
of the midriff, through the trachcan artery, or 
pipe of the lungs; and this he did for sixteen 
times: but Thaumast did always keep blow- 



PANTAGRUEL 



105 



ing like a goose. Then Pamir ge put the fore- 
finger of his right hand into his month, press- 
ing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then 
he drew it out, and withal made a great noise, 
as when little boys shoot pellets out of the 
pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the 
branch of an elder tree, and he did it nine 
times. 

Then Thaumast cried out, 1 la, my Masters, 
a great secret. With this he put in his hand up 
to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he 
had, holding it by the point downwards. 
Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and 
shook it as hard as he could against his thighs; 
then put his two hands intwined in manner of 
a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue 
as far as he was able, and turning his eyes in 
his head, like a goat that is ready to die. Ha, T 
understand, said Thaumast, but what? mak- 
ing such a sign that he put the haft of his dag- 
ger against his breast, and upon the point 
thereof the flat of his hand, turning in a little 
the ends of his fingers. Whereat Panurge held 
down his head on the left side, and put his 
middle finger into his right ear, holding up his 
thumb bolt upright. Then he crost his two 
arms upon his breast, and coughed five times, 
and at the fifth time ho struck his right foot 
against the ground. Then he lift up his left 
arm, and closing all his fingers into his fist, 
held his thumb against his forehead, striking 
with his right hand six times against his 
breast. But Thaumast, as not content there- 
with, put the thumb of his left hand upon the 
top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said 
hand, whereupon Panurge set his two inaster- 
fmgeis upon each side of his mouth, drawing 
it as much as he was able, and widening it so, 
that he showed all his teeth, and with his two 
thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very 
low, making therewith a very ill-favoured 
countenance, as it seemed to the company. 

CHAPTER 20 

How Thauma.st rehitcth the virtues and 
knowledge of Panurge 

TUKN Thaumast rose up, and, putting off his 
cap, did very kindly thank the said Panurge, 
and with a loud voice said unto all the people 
that were thereMy lords, gentlemen and 
others, at this time may I to some good pur- 
pose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce 
plus quam Salomon hid You have here in 
your presence in incomparable treasure, that 
is, my lord Pantagruel, whose great renown 



hath brought me hither, out of the very heart 
of England, to confer with him about the in- 
soluble problems, both in magic, alchemy, the 
cabala, geomancy, astrology and philosophy, 
which I had in my mind. But at present 1 am 
angry even with fame itself, which I think 
was envious to him, for that it did not declare 
the thousandth part of the worth that indeed 
is in him. You have seen how his disciple only 
hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than 
I asked of him. Besides, he hath opened unto 
me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, 
wherein I can assuie you he hath to me dis- 
covered the very true well, fountain, and 
abyss of the encyclopaedia of learning; yea, 
in such a sort, that I did not think I should 
ever have found a man that could have made 
his skill appear in so much as the first ele- 
ments of that, concerning which we disputed 
by signs, without speaking cither word or half 
word. But, in fine, I will reduce into wiiting 
that which we have said and concluded, that 
the woild may not take them to be fooleries, 
and will thei caller cause them to be printed, 
that every one may learn as I have done, 
Judge, then, what the master had been able to 
say,seeing the disciple hath done sovaliantly; 
Non ('fit (iificiptihifi super inagistrum.^ How- 
soever, Cod be praised, and I do very humbly 
thank you, for the honour that you have done 
us at this act. God reward you for it eternally! 
The like thanks gave Pantagiuel to all the 
company, and going from thence, he canied 
Thaumast to dinnei with him: and I believe 
that they drank as much as their skins could 
hold, or, as the phrase is, with unbuttoned 
bellies, (lor in that age they made fast their 
bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars 
of our doublets or jerkins.) even till they nei- 
ther knew where they were, nor whence they 
came. Blessed Lady, how they did carouse it, 
and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather; 
and flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw, 
give, page, some wine heie, reach hither, fill 
with a devil, so! There was not one but did 
diink five-tind-twenty or thirty pipes. Can 
you tell how? Even stout terra sine a(fua;' M for 
the weather was hot, and, besides that, they 
were very diy. In matter of the exposition of 
the propositions set down by Thaumast, and 
the signification of the signs, which they used 
in their disputation, I would have set them 
clown for you, according to their own relation, 
but I have been told that Thaumast made a 
great book of it, imprinted at London, where- 
in he hath set down all, without omitting 



106 



RABELAIS 



anything, and, therefore, at this time I do pass 
by it. 

CHAPTER 21 

How Panurgc was in love with a Lady of 
Paris 

PANUHGE began to be in great reputation in 
the eity of Paris, by means of this disputation, 
wherein he prevailed against the English- 
man, and from thenceforth made his cod- 
piece to be very useful to him. To which effect 
he had it pinked with pretty little embroid- 
eries after the Romanesca fashion. And the 
world did praise him publicly, in so far that 
there was a song made of him, which little 
children did use to sing, when they were to 
fetch mustard. He was withal made welcome 
in all companies of ladies and gentlewomen, 
so that at last he became presumptuous, and 
went about to bring to his lure one of the 
greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed, leav- 
ing a rabble of long prologues and protesta- 
tions, which ordinarily these dolent contem- 
plative lent-lovers make, who never meddle 
with the flesh, one clay he said unto her, 
Madam, it would be a very great benefit to 
the commonwealth, delightful to you, honour- 
able to your progeny, and necessary for me, 
that I cover you for the propagating of my 
race; and believe it, for experience will teach 
it you. The lady at this word thrust him back 
above a hundred leagues, saying, You mis- 
chievous fool, is it for you to talk thus unto 
me? Whom do you think you have in hand? 
Be gone, never to come in my sight again; for, 
if one thing were not, I would have your legs 
and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all 
one to me, to want both legs and arms, pro- 
vided you and I had but one merry bout to- 
gether, at the brangle-buttock-garne; for here 
within is, showing her his long codpiece, 
Master John Thursday, who will play you 
such an antic, that you shall feel the sweet- 
ness thereof even to the very marrow of your 
bones. He is a gallant, and doth so well know 
how to find out all the corners, creeks, arid 
ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that af- 
ter him there needs no broom, he'll sweep so 
well before, and leave nothing to his followers 
to work upon. Whereunto the lady answered, 
Go, villain, go. Tf you speak to me one such 
word more, I will cry out, and make you to be 
knocked down with blows. Ha, said he, you 
are not so bad as you say, no, or else I am 
deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner 



shall the earth mount up into the heavens, 
and the highest heavens descend into the 
hells, and all the course of nature be quite 
perverted, than that, in so great beauty and 
neatness as in you is, there should be one 
drop of gall or malice. They say, indeed, that 
hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman, that 
is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of 
those vulgar beauties; but yours is so excel- 
lent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I be- 
lieve nature hath given it you as a paragon, 
and master-piece of her art, to make us know 
what she can do, when she will employ all her 
skill, and all her power. There is nothing in 
you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and ce- 
lestial manna. To you it was, to whom Paris 
ought to have adjudged the golden apple, not 
to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for 
never was there so much magnificence in 
Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so 
much comeliness in Venus, as there is in you. 
O heavenly gods and goddesses; I low happy 
shall that man be to whom you will grant the 
favour to embrace her, to kiss her, to rub his 
bacon with her's! By G , that shall be I, I 
know it well; for she loves me already her 
belly full, I am sure of it; and so was I pre- 
destinated to it by the fairies. And, therefore, 
that we lose no time, put on, thiust out your 
gammons! and would have embraced her, 
but she made as if she would put out her 
head at the window, to call her neighbours 
lor help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, 
and, in his running away, said, Madam, stay 
here till I come again, I will go call them my- 
self, do not you take so much pains. Thus 
went he away, riot much caring for the re- 
pulse he had got, nor made he any whit the 
worse cheer for it. The next day he came to 
the chinch, at the time she went to mass. At 
the door he gave her some of the holy water, 
bowing himself very low before her, After- 
wards he kneeled down by her very familiar- 
ly, and said unto her, Madam, know that I 
am so amorous of you, that I can neither piss 
nor dung for love. I do not know, lady, what 
you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, 
how much you would be to blame! Go, said 
she, go, I do not care, let me alone to say rny 
prayers. Ay, but, said he, equivocate upon 
this; a Beaumont Ic viconte. I cannot, said 
she. It is, said he, a bean eon Ic vit mont. And 
upon this, pray to God to give you that which 
your noble heart desireth, and I pray you give 
me these patenotres. Take them, said she, and 
trouble me no longer. This done, she would 



PANTAGRUEL 



107 



have taken off her patenotres, which were 
made of a kind of yellow stone called Cestrin, 
and adorned with great spots of gold, but Pa- 
nurge nimbly drew out one of his knives, 
wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, 
and while he was going away to carry them to 
the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my 
knife? No, no, said she. But, said he, to the 
purpose. I am at your commandment, body 
and goods, tripes and bowels. 

In the meantime, the lady was not very 
well content with the want of her patenotres, 
for they were one of her implements to keep 
her countenance by in the church; then 
thought with herself, this bold flouting roister 
is some giddy, fantastical light-headed fool of 
a strange country. I shall never recover my 
patenotres again. What will my husband say? 
He will no doubt be angry with me. But I 
will tell him, that a thief hath cut them off 
from my hands in the church, which he will 
easily believe, seeing the end of the riband 
left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went 
to see her, carrying in his sleeve a great purse 
full of palace-crowns, called counters, and 
began to say unto her, Which of us two lov- 
eth other best, you me, or I you? Whereunto 
she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; 
for, as God commands, I love all the world. 
But to the purpose, said he; are you not in 
love with me? I have, said she, told you so 
many times already, that you should talk so 
no more to me, and, if you speak of it again, I 
will teach you, that I am not one to be talked 
unto dishonestly. Get you hence packing, and 
deliver me my patenotres, that my husband 
may not ask me for them. 

How now, madam, said he, your pateno- 
tres? Nay, by mine oath, I will not do so, but 
I will give you others. Had you rather have 
them of gold well enamelled in great round 
knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or, 
otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or, if 
you had rather have them of ebony, of ja- 
cinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of 
fine torquoises, or fair topazes, marked with 
fine sapphires, or of baleu rubies, with great 
marks of diamonds of eight and twenty 
squares? No, no, all this is too little. I know a 
fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked with 
spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Per- 
sian pearl as big as an orange. It will not cost 
above five-and-twenty thousand ducats. I will 
make you a present of it, for I have ready coin 
enough, and withal he made a noise with his 
counters as if they had been French crowns. 



Will you have a piece of velvet, either of 
the violet colour, or of crimson dyed in grain, 
or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will 
you have chains, gold, tablets, rings? You 
need no more but say, Yes, so far as fifty 
thousand ducats may reach, it is but as noth- 
ing to me. By the virtue of which words he 
made the water come in her mouth: but she 
said unto him, No, I thank you, I will have 
nothing of you. By G , said he, but I will 
have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that 
which shall cost you nothing, neither shall 
you have a jot the less, when you have given 
it. Hold, (showing his long cod-piece,) this 
is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for lodg- 
ing, and with that would have embraced 
her, but she began to cry out, yet not very 
loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit 
garb, changed his false visage, and said unto 
her, You will not then otherwise let me do a 
little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so 
much good, nor so much honour; but, by G , 
I will make the dogs ride you; and with this 
he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of 
blows, whereof he was naturally fearful. 

CHAPTER 22 

How Panurge served a Parisian Lady a trick 
that pleased her not very well 

Now you must note, that the next day was the 
great festival of Corpus Christi, called the 
Sacre, wherein all women put on their best 
apparel, and on that day the said lady was 
clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin, un- 
der which she wore a very costly white velvet 
petticoat. 

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Pa- 
nurge searched so long of one side and an- 
other, that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, 
when he had tied her with his girdle, he led 
to his chamber, and fed her very well all that 
day and night. In the morning thereafter he 
killed her, and took that part of her which the 
Greek geomancers know, and cut it into sev- 
eral pieces, as small as he could. Then carry- 
ing it away as close as might be, he went to 
the place where the lady was to come along, 
to follow the procession, as the custom is up- 
on the said holy day; and, when she came in, 
Panurge sprinkled some holy water on her, 
saluting her very courteously. Then, a little 
while after she had said her petty devotions, 
he sat down close by her upon the same 
bench, and gave her this roundelay, in writ- 
ing, in manner as followeth. 



108 



RABELAIS 



A ROUNDELAY 

For this one time, that I to you my love 
Discovered, you did too cruel prove, 
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon, 
Who never any wrong to you had done, 
In any kind of action, word, or thought; 
So that, if my suit lik'd you not, you ought 
T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense, 
My friend be pleased to depart from hence, 

For this one time. 

What hurt do I, to wish you to remark 
With favour and compassion, how a spark 
Of your great beauty hath inflam'd my heart 
With deep affection, and that, for my part, 
I only ask, that you with me would dance 
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance, 

For this one time. 

And, as she was opening this paper to see 
what it was, Panurge very promptly and 
lightly scattered the drug that he had upon 
her in divers places, but especially in the 
plaits of her sleeves, and of her gown. Then 
said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are 
not always at ease. As for me, I hope that 
those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, 
which I suffer for love of you, shall be deduc- 
tion to me of so much pain in purgatory; yet, 
at the least, pray to God to give me patience 
in my misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke 
thus, but all the dogs that were in the church 
came running to this lady with the smell of 
the drugs that he had stewed upon her, both 
small and great, big and little, all came, lay- 
ing out their member, smelling to her, and 
pissing every where upon her, it was the 
greatest villany in the world. Panurge made 
the fashion of driving them away; then took 
his leave of her, and withdrew himself into 
some chapel or oratory of the said church, to 
see the sport; for these villanous dogs did 
compiss all her habiliments, and left none of 
her attire unbesprinkled with their staling, in 
so much that a tall greyhound pissed upon 
her head, others in her sleeves, others on her 
crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon 
her pattens; so that all the women that were 
round about her had much ado to save her. 
Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he 
said to one of the lords of the city, I believe 
that same lady is hot, or else that some grey- 
hound hath covered her lately. And when he 
saw that all the dogs were flocking about her, 
yarring at the retardment of their access to 
her, and every way keeping such a coil with 
her, as they were wont to do about a proud or 



salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, 
and went to call Pantagruel, not forgetting, 
in his way along all the streets, through which 
he went, where he found any clogs, to give 
them a bang with his foot, saying, Will you 
not go with your fellows to the wedding? 
Away, hence, avaunt, avaunt, with a devil 
avaunt! And, being come home, he said to 
Pantagruel, Master I pray you, come and see 
all the dogs of the country, how they are as- 
sembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, 
and would duffle and line her. Whereunto 
Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw 
the mystery, which he found very pretty and 
strange. But the best was at the procession, 
in which were seen above six hundred thou- 
sand and fourteen dogs about her, which did 
very much trouble and molest her, and whith- 
ersoever she past, those dogs that came 
afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed her at 
her heels, and pissed in the way wherever her 
gown had touched. All the world stood gaz- 
ing at this spectacle, considering the counte- 
nance of those dogs, who, leaping up, got 
about her neck, and spoiled all her gorgeous 
accoutrements, for the which she could find 
no remedy, but to retire unto her house, 
which was a palace. Thither she went, and 
the dogs after her; she ran to hide herself, 
but the chambermaids could not abstain from 
laughing. When she was entered into the 
house, and had shut the door upon herself, all 
the dogs came running, of half a league 
round, and did so well bepiss the gate of her 
house, that there they made a stream with 
their urine, wherein a duck might have very 
well swam, and it is the same current that 
now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin 
dyeth scarlet, by the specifieal virtue of these 
piss-clogs, as our master Doribus did hereto- 
fore preach publicly. So may God help you, a 
mill would have ground corn with it. Yet not 
so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse. 

CHAPTER 23 

How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing 
news that the Dipsodes had invaded the 
land of the Amaurots; and the cause 
wherefore the leagues are so short in 
France 

A LITTLE while after, Pantagruel heard news, 
that his father Gargantua had been translated 
into the Land of the Fairies by Morgue, as 
heretofore were Ogier and Arthur; as also, 
that, the report of the translation being 



PANTAGRUEL 



109 



spread abroad, that the Dipsocles had issued 
out beyond their borders, with inroads, had 
wasted a great part of Utopia, and at that 
very time had besieged the great city of 
the Amain ots. Whereupon, departing from 
Paris, without bidding any man farewell, for 
the business required diligence, he eame to 
Rouen. 

Now Pantagruel in his journey, seeing that 
the leagues of that little territory about Paris 
called France, were very short, in regard of 
those of other countries, demanded the cause 
and reason of it from Panurge, who told him 
a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, 
set down in the Acts of the Kings of Canarre, 
saying, that in old times countries were not 
distinguished into leagues, miles, furlongs, 
nor parasanges, until that King Pharamond 
divided them, which was done in manner as 
followeth. The said king chose at Paris, a hun- 
dred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all 
resolute and bold adventurers in Cupid's du- 
els, together with a hundred comely, pretty, 
handsome, lovely, and well complexioned 
wenches of Picardy; all of which he caused to 
be well entertained, and highly fed, for the 
space of eight clays. Then, having called for 
them, he delivered to every one of the young 
men his wench, with store of money to defray 
their charges, and this injunction besides, to 
go unto divers places here and there. And, 
wheresoever they should biscot and thrum 
their wenches, that they setting a stone there, 
it should be counted for a league. Thus went 
away those brave fellows and sprightly 
blades most merrily, and because they were 
fresh, and had been at rest, they very often 
jummed and franfrcuchlcd at almost every 
field's end, and this is the cause why the 
leagues about Paris are so short. But when 
they had gone a great way, and were now as 
weary as poor devils, all the oil in their lamps 
being almost spent they did not chink and 
duffle so often, but contented themselves, (I 
mean for the men's part,) with one scurvy, 
paltry bout in a day, and this is that which 
makes the leagues in Brittany, Delanes, Ger- 
many, and other more remote countries so 
long. Other men give other reasons for it, but 
this seems to me of all others the best. To 
which Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting 
from Rouen, they arrived at Honfleur, where 
they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Ep- 
istemon, Eusthenes, and Carpalim. 

In which place, waiting for a favourable 
wind, and caulking their ship, he received 



from a lady of Paris, whom he had formerly 
kept, and entertained a good long time, a let- 
ter directed on the outside thus, To the best 
beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of 
the valiant men. 

P.N.T.G.R.L. 

CHAPTER 24 

A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pan- 
tagruel from a Lady of Paris, together with 
the exposition of a Posy written in a gold 
ring 

WHEN Pantagruel had read the superscrip- 
tion, he was much amazed, and therefore de- 
manded of the said messenger (he name of 
her that had sent it. Then opened he the let- 
ter, and found nothing written in it, nor oth- 
erwise inclosed, but only a gold ring, with a 
square table diamond. Wondering at this, he 
called Panurge to him, and showed him the 
case. Whereupon Panurge, told him, that the 
leaf of paper was written upon, but, with 
such cunning and artifice, that no man could 
see the writing at the first sight. Therefore, to 
find it out, he set it by the fire, to see if it was 
made with sal ammoniac soaked in water. 
Then put he it into the water, to see if the 
letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. 
After that he held it up against the candle, to 
see if it was wiitten with the juice of white 
onions. 

Then he rubbed one part of it with the oil 
of nuts, to see if it were written with the lee 
of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the 
milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest 
daughter, to see if it was written with the 
blood of red toads, or green earth frogs. Af- 
terwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes 
of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not writ- 
ten with the dew that is found within the herb 
alcakengy, called the winter-cherry. He 
rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to 
sec if it were not written with the gall of a 
raven. Then did he dip it into vinegar, to try 
if it was not written with the juice of the gar- 
den spurge. After that he greased it with the 
fat of a bat or flitter-mouse, to see if it was 
not written with the sperm of a whale, which 
some call ambergris. Then put it very fairly 
into a basin full of fresh water, and forthwith 
took it out, to see whether it was written with 
stone-allum. But after all experiments, when 
he perceived that he could find out nothing, 
he called the messenger and asked him, Good 
fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she 



110 

not 



RABELAIS 



give thee a staff to bring with thee? think- 
ing that it had been according to the conceit, 
whereof Anlus Gellins maketn mention. And 
the messenger answeied him, No, Sir. Then 
Panurge would have caused his head to be 
shaven, to see whether the lady had written 
upon his bald pate, with the hard lye where- 
of soap is made; that which she meant; but, 
perceiving that his hair was very long, he for- 
bore, considering that it could not have grown 
to so great a length in so short a time. 

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the 
virtue of G , I cannot tell what to do or say 
in it. For, to know whether there be anything 
written upon this or no, I have made use of a 
good part of that which Master Francisco di 
Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who had wi it- 
ten the manner of reading letters that do not 
appear; that which Zoroaster published, Peri 
Grammaton Acriton; and Calphurnius Bas- 
sus, De Litcris Illegibilibus. But I can see 
nothing, nor do I believe that there is any- 
thing else in it than the ring. Let us, therefore, 
look upon it. Which when they had done, 
they found this in Hebrew written within, 
Lama sabachtliani; whereupon they called 
Epistemon, and asked him what that meant? 
To which he answered, that they were He- 
brew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou 
forsaken me? Upon that Panurge suddenly 
replied, I know the mystery. Do you see this 
diamond? It is a false one. This, then, is the 
exposition of that which the lady means, Dia- 
mant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou 
forsaken me? Which interpretation Panta- 
gruel presently understood, and withal re- 
membering, that at his departure, he had not 
bid the lady farewell, he was very sorry, and 
would fain have returned to Paris, to make 
his peace with her. But Epistemon put him in 
mind of /Eneas's departure from Dido, and 
the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That, 
the ship being at anchor, when need rcquir- 
eth, we must cut the cable rather than lose 
time about untying of it and that he should 
lay aside all other thoughts, to succour the 
city of his nativity, which was then in danger. 
And, indeed, within an hour after that, the 
wind arose at the north-north-west, where- 
with they hoisted sail, and put out, even into 
the main sea, so that within few days, pass- 
ing by Porto Sancto, and by the Madeiras, 
they went ashore in the Canary islands. Part- 
ing from thence, they passed by Capo-bianco, 
by Senega, by Capo-verde, by Gambra, by 



Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Sper- 
anza, and set ashore again in the kingdom of 
Melinda. Parting from thence, they sailed 
away with a tramontane or northerly wind, 
passing by Meden, by Uti, by Iklcn, by Gel- 
asem, by the Isles of the Fairies, and along 
the kingdom of Achory, till at last they ar- 
rived at the port of Utopia, distant from the 
city of the Amaurots three leagues and some- 
what more. 

When they were ashore, and pretty well 
refreshed, Pantagruel said, Gentlemen, the 
city is not far from hence, therefore were it 
not amiss, before we set forward, to advise 
well what is to be done, that we be not like 
the Athenians, who never took counsel until 
alter the fact. Are you resolved to live and die 
with me? Yes, Sir, said they all, and be as con- 
fident of us as of your own fingers. Well, said 
he, there is but one thing that keeps my mind 
in great doubt and suspense, which is this, 
that I know not in what order nor of what 
number the enemy is, that layeth siege to the 
city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go 
forward, and set on with the better assurance. 
Let us, therefore, consult together, and be- 
think ourselves by what means we may come 
to this intelligence. Whcreunto they all said, 
Let us go thither and see, and stay you here 
for us; for this very day, without further 
respite, do we make account to bring you a 
certain report thereof. 

Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to en- 
ter into their camp, within the very midst of 
their guards, unespicd by their watch, and 
merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, with- 
out being known of any, to see the artillery 
and the tents of all the captains, and thrust 
myself in with a grave and magnific carriage, 
amongst all their troops and companies, with- 
out being discovered. The devil would not be 
able to peck me out with all his circumven- 
tions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus. 

And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots 
and stratagems of the valiant captains, and 
warlike champions of former ages, together 
with all the tricks and subtleties of the art of 
war. I will go, and, though I be detected and 
revealed, I will escape, by making them be- 
lieve of you whatever I please, for I am of the 
race of Sinon. 

I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon 
them in their trenches, in spite of their sen- 
tries, and all their guards; for I will tread 
upon their bellies, and break their legs and 



PANTAGRUEL 



111 



arms, yea, though they were every bit as 
strong as the devil himself, for I am of the 
race of Hercules. 

And I, said Carpalim, will get in there, if 
the birds can enter, for I am so nimble of 
body, and light withal, that I shall have 
leaped over their trenches, and ran clean 
through all their camp, before that they per- 
ceive me; neither do 1 fear shot, nor arrow, 
nor horse, how swift soever, were he the Pe- 
gasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured 
that I shall be able to make a safe and sound 
escape before them all, without any hurt. I 
will undertake to walk upon the ears of corn, 
or grass in the meadows, without making ei- 
ther of them do so much as bow under me, 
for I am of the race of Camilla the Amazon. 



CHAPTER 25 

How Panurge, Carpalim, Eusthencs, and Ep- 
istemon, the Gentlemen Attendants of Pan- 
tagruel, vanquished and discomfited six 
hundred and three-score Horsemen venj 
cunningly 

As he was speaking this, they perceived six 
hundred and three-score light horsemen, gal- 
lantly mounted, who made an outride thither, 
to see what ship it was that was newly ar- 
rived in the harbour, and came in a full gal- 
lop to take them if they had been able. Then 
said Pantagruel, My lads, retire yourselves 
into the ship, here arc some of our enemies 
coming apace, but I will kill them here before 
you like beasts, although they were ten times 
so many; in the meantime, withdraw your- 
selves, and take your sport at it. Then an- 
swered Panurge, No, Sir, there is no reason 
that you should do so, but, on the contrary, 
retire you unto the ship, both you and the 
rest, for I will alone here discomfit them; but 
we must not linger, come, set forward. 
Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, 
Sir, withdraw yourself, and we will help Pan- 
urge here, so shall you know what we are able 
to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am con- 
tent, but, if that you be too weak, I will not 
fail to come to your assistance. With this Pan- 
urge took two great cables of the ship, and 
tied them to the kempstock or capstan which 
was on the deck towards the hatches, and fas- 
tened them in the ground, making a long cir- 
cuit, the one further off, the other within that. 
Then said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the 



ship, and, when I give you a call, turn about 
the capstan upon the orlop diligently, draw- 
ing unto you the two cable ropes; and said to 
Eusthenes, and to Carpalim, My bullies, stay 
you here, and offer yourselves freely to your 
enemies. Do as they bid you, and make as if 
you would yield unto them, but take heed 
that you come not within the compass of the 
ropes, be sure to keep yourselves free of 
them. And presently he went aboard the ship, 
and took a bundle of straw, and a barrel of 
gunpowder, strewed it round about the com- 
pass of the cords, and stood by with a brand 
of fire, or match lighted in his hand. Present- 
ly came the horsemen with great fury, and the 
foremost ran almost home to the ship, and, 
by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they 
fell, they and their horses, to the number of 
four and forty; which the rest seeing, came 
on, thinking that resistance had been made 
them at their arrival. But Panurge said unto 
them, My masters, I believe that you have 
hurt yourselves, I pray you pardon us, for it 
is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the sea- 
water, that is always unctuous; we submit 
ourselves to your good pleasure. So said like- 
wise his two other fellows, and Epistemon 
that was upon the deck. In the meantime 
Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that 
they were all within the compass of the ca- 
bles, and that his two companions were re- 
tired, making room for all those horses which 
came in a crowd, thronging upon the neck of 
one another to see the ship, and such as were 
in it, cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, 
Draw, draw! Then began Epistemon to wind 
about the capstan, by doing whereof the two 
cables so entangled and impestered the legs 
of the horses, that they were all of them 
thrown clown to the ground easily, together 
with their riders. But they seeing that, drew 
their swords, and would have cut them; 
whereupon Panurge set fire to the train, and 
there burnt them all up like damned souls, 
both men and horses, not one escaping save 
one alone, who being mounted on a fleet Tur- 
key courser; by mere speed in flight got him- 
self out of the circle of the ropes. But when 
Carpalim perceived him, he ran after him, 
with such nimbleness and celerity, that he ov- 
ertook him in less than a hundred paces; then 
leaping close behind hirn upon the crupper of 
his horse, clasped him in his arms, and 
brought him back to the ship. 

This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was 



112 



RABELAIS 



very jovial, and wondrously commended the 
industry of these gentlemen, whom he called 
his fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh 
themselves, and feed well and merrily upon 
the sea-shore, and drink heartily with their 
bellies upon the ground, and their prisoner 
with them, whom they admitted to that fa- 
miliarity: only that the poor devil was some- 
what afraid that Pantagrucl would have eat- 
en him up whole, which, considering the 
wideness of his mouth, and capacity of his 
throat, was no great matter for him to have 
done; for he could have done it as easily as 
you would eat a small comfit, he showing no 
more in his throat than would a grain of mil- 
let-seed in the mouth of an ass. 

CHAPTER 26 

How Pantagruel and Ids Company were 
weary in eating still salt meats; and how 
Carpalin went a hunting to have some ven- 
ison 

THUS as they talked and chatted together, 
Carpalim said, And by the belly of St. Que- 
net, shall we never eat any venison? This salt 
meat makes me horribly dry. I will go and 
fetch you a quarter of one of those horses 
which we have burned; it is well roasted al- 
ready. As he was rising up to go about it, he 
perceived under the side of a wood a fair 
great roe-buck, which came out of his fort, 
as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire. 
Him did he pursue and run after with as 
much vigour and swiftness, as if it had been 
a bolt out of a cross-bow, and caught him in 
a moment; and whilst he was in his course, he 
with his hands took in the air four great bus- 
tards, seven bitterns, six and twenty grey par- 
tridges, two and thirty red-legged ones, six- 
teen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen 
herons, two and thirty cushats and ring- 
doves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve 
leverets and rabbits, which were then at re- 
lief, and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in a 
knot together, with fifteen young wild boars, 
two little beavers, and three great foxes. So, 
striking the kid with his falchion athwart the 
head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his 
back, he in his return took up his hares, rails, 
and young wild boars, and as far off as he 
could be heard, cried out, and said Panurge, 
my friend, vinegar, vinegar! Then the good 
Pantagrucl, thinking he had fainted, com- 
manded them to provide him some vinegar; 
but Panurge knew well that there was some 



good prey in hands, and forthwith showed 
unto noble Pantagruel, how he was bearing 
upon his back a fair roe-buck, and all his gir- 
dle bordered with hares. Then immediately 
did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine 
muses, nine antique wooden spits, Eusthenes 
did help to flay, and Panurge placed two 
great cuirassier saddles in such sort, that they 
served for andirons, and, making their prison- 
er to be their cook, they roasted their venison 
by the fire, wherein the horsemen were 
burned; and, making great cheer with a good 
deal of vinegar, the devil a one of them did 
forbear from his victuals, it was a trium- 
phant and incomparable spectacle to see how 
they ravened and devoured. Then said Pan- 
tagruel, Would to God, every one of you had 
two pairs of little anthem or sacring bells, 
hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine 
the great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of 
Tours, and of Cambray, to see what a peal 
they would ring with the wagging of our 
chaps. But, said Panurge, it were better we 
thought a little upon our business, and by 
what means we might get the upper hand of 
our enemies. That is well remembered said 
Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the 
prisoner, My friend, tell us here the truth, and 
do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldest not be 
flayed alive, for it is I that eat the little chil- 
dren. Relate unto us, at full the order, the 
number, and the strength of the army. To 
which the prisoner answered, Sir, know for a 
truth that in the army there are three hun- 
dred giants, all armed with armour of proof, 
and wonderful great. Nevertheless, not fully 
so great as you, except one that is their head, 
named Loupgarou, who is armed from head 
to foot with Cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, 
one hundred threescore and three thousand 
foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, 
strong and valiant men ; eleven thousand four 
hundred men at arms or cuirassiers; three 
thousand six hundred double cannons, and 
harqucbusiers without number; fourscore and 
fourteen thousand pioneers; one hundred and 
fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses 
(that is for me, said Panurge,) whereof some 
are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisi- 
ennes, Tourangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, 
Normands, and High Dutch there are of 
them of all countries, and all languages. 

Yea, but, said Pantagruel, is the king 
there? Yes, Sir, said the prisoner, he is there 
in person, and we call him Anarchus, King of 
the Dipsodes, which is as much as to say 



PANTAGRUEL 



113 



thirsty people, for you never saw men more 
thirsty, nor more willing to drink; and his 
tent is guarded by the giants. It is enough 
said Pantagruel, Come, brave boys, are you 
resolved to go with me? To which Panurge 
answered, God confound him that leaves you! 
I have already bethought myself how I will 
kill them all like pigs, and so that the devil 
one leg of them shall escape. But I am some- 
what troubled about one thing. And what is 
that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge how 
I shall be able to set forward to the justling 
and bragmardising of all the whores that be 
there this afternoon, in such sort, that there 
escape not one unbumped by me, breasted 
and jumnied after the ordinary fashion of 
man and woman in the Venetian conflict. Ha, 
ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel. 

And Carpalim said, The devil take these 
sink-holes, if, by G , I do not bumbast some 
one of them. Then said Eusthenes, What, 
shall not I have any, whose spaces, since we 
came from Rouen, were never so well wound 
up, as that my needle could mount to ten or 
eleven o'clock, till now, that I have it hard, 
stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, 
said Panurge, thou shalt have of the fattest, 
and of those that arc most plump, and in the 
best case. 

How now, said Epistcmon, every one shall 
ride, and I must lead the ass? the devil take 
him that will do so. We will make use of the 
right of war, Qui potest eapere, capiat* 1 No, 
no, said Panurge, but tic thine ass to a crook, 
and ride as the world doth. And the good 
Pantagrucl laughed at all this, and said unto 
them, You reckon without your host. I am 
much afraid, that, before it be night, I shall 
see you in such taking, that you will have no 
great stomach to ride, but more like to be 
rode upon, with sound blows of pike and 
lance. Basle, said Epistcmon, enough of that! 
I will not fail to bring them to you, either to 
roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They are 
not so many in number as were in the army 
of Xerxes, for he had thirty hundred thousand 
fighting men, if you will believe Herodotus 
and Trogus Pompeius, and yet Themistocles 
with a few men overthrew them all. For 
God's sake, take you no care for that. Cobs- 
minny, cobsminny, said Panurge, my cod- 
piece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the 
men: and my St. Swecphole, that dwells 
within it, shall lay all the women squat upon 
their backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantag- 
ruel, and let us march along. 



CHAPTER 27 



How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memor- 
ial of their valour, and Panurge another in 
remembrance of the Hares. How Pantag- 
ruel likewise with his Farts begat little 
Men, and with his Fisgs little women: and 
how Panurge broke a great Staff over two 
glasses 

BEFORE we depart hence said Pantagruel, in 
remembrance of the exploit that you have 
now performed, I will in this place erect a fair 
trophy. Then every man amongst them, with 
a fair joy, and fine little country songs, set up 
a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a 
great cuirassier saddle, the fronstal of a 
barbed horse, bridle-bosses, bully-pieces for 
the knees, stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a 
coat of mail, a corslet tempered with steel, a 
battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horse- 
man's sword, a gantlet, a horseman's mace, 
gushct-armour for the arm-pits, leg-harness, 
and a gorget, with all other furniture needful 
for the decoration of a triumphant arch, in 
sign of a trophy. And, then Pantagruel, for an 
eternal memorial, wiote this victorial Ditton, 
as f ollowcth : 

Here was the prowess made apparent of 
Four brave and valiant champions of proof, 
Who, without any arms but wit, at once, 
Like Fabius, or the two Scipios, 
Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore 
Crablicc, strong rogues ne'er vanquished 

before. 
By this each King may learn, Rook, Pawn, 

and Knight, 
That slight is much more pievalent than 

might. 

For victory, 
As all men sec, 
Hangs on the ditty 
Of that committee, 
Where the great God 
Hath his abode. 

Nor doth he to it strong and great men give, 
But to his elect, as we must believe; 
Therefore shall be obtain wealth and esteem, 
Who through faith doth put his trust in him. 

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these fore- 
said verses, Panurge halved and fixed upon a 
great stake the horns of a roe-buck, together 
with the skin, and the right forefoot thereof, 



114 



RABELAIS 



the ears of three leverets, the chine of a cony, 
the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, 
the feet of four quest-doves, a bottle or bor- 
racho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put 
salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy 
kettle full of holes, chipping pan to make 
sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet 
of Beauvois. Then, in imitation of Pantagru- 
el's verses and trophy, wrote that which fol- 
loweth: 

Here four brave topers sitting on their bums, 
With flagons, nobler noise than drums, 
Carous'd it, bous'd it, toss'd the liquor, 
Each seem'd a Bacchus-priest, or vicar: 
Hares, conies, bustards, pigs were brought 

'em, 

With jugs and pipkins strew'd about 'em; 
For trophy-spoils to each good fellow, 
That is hereafter to be mellow. 

In every creed, 
'Tis on all hands agreed, 

And plainly contest; 

When the weather is hot, 
That we stick to the pot, 

And drink o' the best. 

First note, that in your bill of faie, 
Sauce he provided for the rare. 
But vinegar the most extol; 
'Tis of an hare the very soul. 

Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let 
us begone, we have staid here too long about 
our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out, 
that the greatest eaters do the most martial 
exploits. There is no shadow like that of fly- 
ing colours, no smoke like that of horses, no 
clattering like that of armour. At this Episte- 
mon began to smile, and said, There is no 
shadow like that of the kitchen, no smoke like 
that of pasties, and clattering like that of gob- 
lets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is 
no shadow like that of curtains, no smoke like 
that of women's breasts, and no clattering 
like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up 
he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most 
joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagru- 
el! When Pantagruel saw that, he would have 
done as much; but with the fart that he let, 
the earth trembled nine leagues about, 
wherewith and with the corrupted air, he be- 
got above three and fifty thousand little men, 
ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he 



let, he made as many little women, crouching 
down, as you shall see in divers places, which 
never grow but like cows' tails, downwards, 
or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How 
now, said Panurge, are your farts so fertile 
and fruitful? By G , here be brave farted 
men, and fisgued women, let them be mar- 
ried together, they will beget fine hornets and 
dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them 
pygmies. Those he sent to live in an island 
thereby, wheie since that time they are in- 
creased mightily. But the cranes make war 
with them continually, against which they do 
most courageously defend themselves; for 
these little ends of men and claridiprats, ( whom 
in Scotland they call whiphandles, and knots 
of a tar-barrel,) are commonly very testy and 
choleric: the physical reason whereof is, be- 
cause their heart is near their turd. 

At this time, Panurge took two drinking 
glasses that were there, both of one bigness, 
and filled them with water up to the brim, 
and set one of them upon one stool, and the 
other upon another, placing them about five 
feet from one another. Then he took the staff 
of a javelin, about five feet and a half long, 
and put it upon the two glasses, so that the 
two ends of the staff did come just to the 
brims of the glasses. This done, he took a 
great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pan- 
tagruel, and to the rest, My Masters, behold 
how easily we shall have the victory over our 
enemies; for, just as I shall break this staff 
here upon these glasses, without either break- 
ing or crazing of them, nay, which is more, 
without spilling one drop of the water that is 
within them, even so shall we break the heads 
of our Dipsodes, without receiving any of us 
any wound, or loss in our person or goods. 
But, that you may not think there is any 
witchcraft in this, hold, said he to Eusthenes, 
strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst 
with this log. Eusthenes did so, and the staff 
broke in two pieces, and not one drop of wa- 
ter fell out of the glasses. Then, said he, I 
know a great many such other tiicks, let us 
now therefore march boldly, and with assur- 
ance. 

CHAPTER 28 

How Pantagruel got the Victory very strange- 
ly over the Dipsodes, and the Giants 

AFTER all this talk, Pantagruel took the pris- 
oner to him, and sent him away, saying, Go 



PANTAGRUEL 



115 



thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him 
tidings of what thou hast seen, and let him re- 
solve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for 
as soon as my galleys shall come, which will 
be to-morrow at furthest, I will prove unto 
him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting 
men, and seven thousand giants, all of them 
greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly 
and against reason, thus to invade my coun- 
try. Wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had 
an army at sea. But the prisoner answered, 
that he would yield himself to be his slave, 
and that he was content never to return to his 
own people, but rather with Pantagruel to 
fight against them, and for God's sake be- 
sought him, that he might be permitted so to 
do. Whereunto Pantagruel would not give 
consent, but commanded him to depart 
thence speedily, and be gone, as he had told 
him, and to that effect gave him a box full of 
cuphorbium, together with some grains of the 
black camcleon thistle, steeped into aqua vi- 
tw, and made up into the condiment of a wet 
sucket, commanding him to carry it to his 
king, and say unto him, that, if he were able 
to eat one ounce of that without drinking 
after it, he might then be able to resist 
him, without any fear or apprehension of 
danger. 

The prisoner then besought him with joint 
hands, that in the hour of the battle he would 
have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantag- 
ruel said unto him, After that thou hast de- 
livered all unto the king, put thy whole con- 
fidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; 
because, although for my part I be mighty, as 
thou mayest see, and have an infinite number 
of men in arms, I do nevertheless trust nei- 
ther in my force nor in mine industry, but all 
my confidence is in God my protector, who 
doth never forsake those that in him do put 
their trust and confidence. This done, the 
prisoner requested him, that he would be 
contented with some reasonable composition 
for his ransom. To which Pantagruel an- 
swered, that his end was not to rob nor ran- 
som men, but to enrich them, and reduce 
them to total liberty. Go thy way, said he, in 
the peace of the living God, and never follow 
evil company, lest some mischief befal thee. 
The prisoner being gone, Pantagruel said to 
his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prison- 
er believe that we have an army at sea, as 
also, that we will not assault them till to-mor- 
row at noon, to the end that they, doubting 



of the great arrival of our men, may spend 
this night in providing and strengthening 
themselves, but in the meantime my intention 
is, that we charge them about the hour of the 
first sleep. 

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apos- 
tles, and speak of King Anarchus and his 
army. When the prisoner was come, he went 
unto the king, and told him how there was a 
great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had 
overthrown, and made to be cruelly roasted, 
all the six hundred and nine and fifty horse- 
men, and he alone escaped to bring the news. 
Besides that, he was charged by the said giant 
to tell him, that the next day, about noon, he 
must make a dinner ready for him, for at that 
hour he was resolved to set upon him. Then 
did he give him that box wherein were those 
cornfitures. But, as soon as he had swallowed 
clown one spoonful of them, he was taken 
with such a heat in the throat, together with 
an ulceration in the flap of the top of the 
windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it, in 
such sort, that, for all they could do unto him, 
he found no ease at all, but by drinking only 
without cessation; for as soon as ever he took 
the goblet from his head, his tongue was on 
fire, and therefore they did nothing but still 
pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. 
Which when his captains, bashaws, and 
guard of his body did see, they tasted of the 
same drugs, to try whether they were so 
thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it 
so betel them as it had done their king, and 
they plied the flagon so well, that the noise 
ran throughout all the camp, how the prison- 
er was returned, that the next day they were 
to have an assault, that the king and his cap- 
tains did already prepare themselves for it, 
together with his guards, and that with ca- 
rousing lustily, and quaffing as hard as they 
could. Every man, therefore, in the army be- 
gan to tipple, ply the pot, swill, and guzzle it 
as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so 
much, and so long, that they fell asleep like 
pigs, all out of order throughout the whole 
camp. 

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, 
and relate how he carried himself in this bus- 
iness. Departing from the place of the tro- 
phies, he took the mast of their ship in his 
hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the 
top of it two hundred and seven and thirty 
puncheons of white wine of Anjou, the rest 
was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the 



116 



RABELAIS 



bark all full of salt, as easily as the Lansken- 
nets carry their little panniers, and so set on- 
ward on his way with his fellow soldiers. 
When he was come near to the enemy's camp, 
Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do 
well, let down this white wine of Anjou from 
the scuttle of the mast of the ship, that we 
may all drink thereof, like Bretons. 

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly con- 
sented, and they drank so neat, that there 
was not so much as one poor drop left, of two 
hundred and seven and thirty puncheons, ex- 
cept one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours, 
which Panurge filled for himself, for he called 
that his vademecum, and some scurvy lees of 
wine in the bottom, which served him instead 
of vinegar. After they had whittled and cur- 
ried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge 
gave Pantagruel to cat some devilish drugs, 
compounded of lithotripton, which is a stone- 
dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that 
purgeth the reins, the marmalade of quinces, 
called cocliniac, a confection of cantharides, 
which are green flies breeding on the tops of 
olive trees, and other kinds of diuretic or 
piss-procuring simples. This done, Pantagru- 
el said to Carpalim, Go into the city, scram- 
bling like a cat up against the wall, as you can 
well do, and tell them, that now presently 
they come out, and charge their enemies as 
rudely as they can, and, having said so, come 
down, taking a lighted torch with you, where- 
with you shall set on fire all the tents and pa- 
vilions in the camp, then cry as loud as you 
are able with your great voice, and then come 
away from thence. Yea, but, said Carpalim, 
were it not good to cloy all their ordnance? 
No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all 
their powder. Carpalim obeying him, depart- 
ed suddenly, and did as he was appointed by 
Pantagruel, and all the combatants came 
forth that were in the city, and, when he had 
set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed 
so lightly through them, and so highly and 
profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they 
never perceived him. He came to the place 
where their artillery was, and set their muni- 
tion on fire. But here was the danger. The fire 
was so sudden, that poor Carpalim had al- 
most been burnt. And, had it not been for his 
wonderful agility, he had been fried like a 
roasting pig. But he departed away so speed- 
ily, that a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow 
could not have had a swifter motion. When 
he was clear of their trenches, he shouted 
aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with 



such amazement to the hearers, that it 
seemed all the devils of hell had been let 
loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, 
but can you tell how? Even no less astonished 
than are monks at the ringing of the first peal 
to matins, which in Lusonnois is called Rub- 
ballock. 

In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow 
the salt that he had in his bark, and, because 
they slept with an open gaping mouth, he 
filled all their throats with it, so that these 
poor wretches were by it made to cough like 
foxes, crying, Ha, Pantagruel, how thou add- 
est greater heat to the firebrand that is in us! 
Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by 
means of the drugs which Panurge had given 
him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and 
so copiously, that he drowned them all, and 
there was a particular deluge, ten leagues 
round about, of such considerable depth, that 
the history saith, if his father's great mare 
had been there, and pissed likewise, it would 
undoubtedly have been a more enormous 
deluge than that of Deucalion; for she did 
never piss, but she made a river, greater than 
is either the Rhone, or the Danube. Which 
those that were come out of the city see- 
ing, said, They are all cruelly slain, see 
how the blood runs along. But they were de- 
ceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had 
been the blood of their enemies; for they 
could not sec but by the light of the fire 
of the pavilions, and some small light of the 
moon. 

The enemies, after that they were awaked, 
seeing on one side the fire in the camp, and 
on the other the inundation of the urinal del- 
uge, could not tell what to say, nor what to 
think. Some said, that it was the end of the 
world, and the final judgment, which ought 
to be by fire. Others, again thought that the 
sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the 
rest of them, did persecute them, for that in- 
deed they found it to be like sea-water and 
salt. 

O who were able now condignly to relate 
how Pantagruel did demean himself against 
the three hundred giants? O my Muse, my 
Calliope, my Thalia, inspire me at this time, 
restore unto me my spirits; for this is the logi- 
cal bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is 
the difficulty, to have ability enough to ex- 
press the horrible battle that was fought. Ah, 
would to God that I had now a bottle of the 
best wine that ever those drank, who shall 
read this so veridical history. 



PANTAGRUEL 



117 



CHAPTER 29 



How Pantagrucl discomfited the three hun- 
dred Giants armed with free-stone, and 
Loupgarou their Captain 

THE giants seeing all their camp drowned, 
carried away their King Anarchus upon their 
backs, as well as they could, out of the fort, 
as ^Eneas did his father Anchises, in the time 
of the conflagration of Troy. When Panurge 
perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, 
yonder are the giants coming forth against 
you, lay on them with your mast gallantly like 
an old fencer; for now is the time that you 
must show yourself a brave man and an hon- 
est. And for our part we will not fail you. I 
myself will kill to you a good many boldly 
enough; for why, David killed Goliath very 
easily, and then this great lecher Eusthenes, 
who is stronger than four oxen, will not spare 
himself. Be of good courage, therefore and 
valiant, charge amongst them with point and 
edge, and by all manner of means. Well, said 
Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for 
fifty francs, but let us be wise, for Hercules 
first never undertook against two. That is 
well cackcd, well scummcrcd, said Panurge, 
do you compare yourself with Hercules? You 
have, by G , more strength in your teeth, and 
more scent in your bum, than ever Hercules 
had in all his body and soul. So much is a man 
worth as he esteems himself. Whilst they 
spake these words, behold Loupgarou was 
come with all his giants, who, seeing Pantag- 
ruel in a manner alone, was carried away with 
temerity and presumption, for hopes that he 
had to kill the good man. Whereupon he said 
to his companions the giants, You wenchers 
of the low country, by Mahoom, if any of you 
undertake to fight against these men here, I 
will put you cruelly to death. It is my will, 
that you let me fight single. In the meantime 
you shall have good sport to look upon us. 

Then all the other giants retired with their 
king, to the place where the flagons stood, 
and Panurge and his comrades with them, 
who counterfeited those that have had the 
pox, for he writhed about his mouth, shrunk 
up his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse 
voice said unto them, I forsake od, fellow- 
soldiers, if I would have it to be believed, 
that we make any war at all. Give us some- 
what to eat with you, while you masters fight 
against one another. To this the king and gi- 
ants jointly condescended, and accordingly 
made them to banquet with them. In the 



meantime Panurge told them the follies of 
Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the 
tale of a tub. Loupgarou then set forward to- 
wards Pantagruel, with a mace all of steel, 
and that of the best sort, weighing nine thou- 
sand seven hundred quintals, and two quar- 
terons, at the end whereof were thirteen 
pointed diamonds, the least whereof was as 
big as the greatest bell of Our Lady's church 
at Paris, there might want perhaps the 
thickness of a nail, or at most, that I may not 
lie, of the back of those knives which they 
call cut-lugs or ear-cutters, but for a little off 
or on, more or less, it is no matter, and it 
was enchanted in such sort, that it could nev- 
er break, but contrarily all, that it did touch, 
did break immediately. Thus, then, as he ap- 
proached with great fierceness and pride of 
heart, Pantagruel, casting up his eyes to 
heaven, recommended himself to God with 
all his soul, making such a vow as followeth. 

O thou Lord God, who hast always been 
my protector, and my saviour, thou seest the 
distress wherein I am at this time. Nothing 
brings rne hither but a natural zeal, which 
thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and 
defend themselves, their wives and children, 
country and family, in case thy own proper 
cause were not in question, which is the faith; 
for in such a business thou wilt have no coad- 
jutors, only a catholic confession and service 
of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming 
and defence. For thou art the Almighty, who 
in thine own cause, and where thine own bus- 
iness is taken in hand, canst defend it far be- 
yond all that we can conceive, thou who hast 
thousand thousands of hundreds of millions 
of legions of angels, the least of which is able 
to kill all mortal men, and turn about the 
heavens and earth at his pleasure, as hereto- 
fore it very plainly appeared in the army of 
Sennacherib. If it may please thee, therefore, 
at this time to assist me, as my whole trust 
and confidence is in thee alone, I vow unto 
thee, that in all countries whatsoever, where- 
in I shall have any power or authority, wheth- 
er in this of Utopia, or elsewhere, I will cause 
thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and en- 
tirely preached, so that the abuses of a rabble 
of hypocrites and false prophets, who by hu- 
man constitutions, and depraved inventions, 
have impoisoned all the world, shall be quite 
exterminated from about me. 

This vow was no sooner made, but there 
was heard a voice from heaven, saying, Hoc 
fac et vinces: that is to say, Do this, and thou 



118 



RABELAIS 



shalt overcome. Then Pantagruel seeing that 
Loupgarou with his mouth wide open was 
drawing near to him, went against him bold- 
ly, and cried out as loud as he was able, Thou 
diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his 
horrible cry to make him afraid, according to 
the discipline of the Lacedemonians. Withal, 
he immediately cast at him out of his bark, 
which he wore at his girdle, eighteen cags, 
and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled 
both his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. At this 
Loupgarou was so highly incensed, that, most 
fiercely setting upon him, he thought even 
with a blow of his mace to have beat out his 
brains. But Pantagruel was very nimble, and 
had always a quick foot, and a quick eye, and 
therefore, with his left foot did he step back 
one pace, yet not so nimbly, but that the 
blow, falling upon the bark, broke it in four 
thousand, four score and six pieces, and 
threw all the rest of the salt about the ground. 
Pantagruel, seeing that, most gallantly dis- 
played the vigour of his arms, and according 
to the art of the axe, gave him with the great 
end of his mast a home-thrust a little above 
the breast; then, bringing along the blow to 
the left side, with a slash struck him between 
the neck and shoulders. After that, advanc- 
ing his right foot, he gave him a push upon 
the couillons, with the upper end of his said 
mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle, on the 
top thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons 
of wine that were left therein. 

Upon that, Loupgarou thought that he had 
pierced his bladder and that the wine that 
came forth had been his urine. Pantagruel, 
being not content with this, would have dou- 
bled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lift- 
ing up his mace, advanced one step upon 
him, and with all his force would have dashed 
it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the 
truth, he so sprightfully carried himself, that, 
if Gocl had not succoured the good Pantagru- 
el, he had been cloven from the top of his 
head to the bottom of his milt. But the blow 
glanced to the right side, by the brisk nimble- 
ness of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into 
the ground above threescore and thirteen 
feet, through a huge rock, out of which the 
fire did issue greater than nine thousand and 
six tons. Pantagruel, seeing him busy about 
plucking out his mace, which stuck in the 
ground between the rocks, ran upon him. and 
would have clean cut off his head, if by mis- 
chance his mast had not touched a little 
against the stock of Loupgarou's mace, which 



was enchanted, as we have said before. By 
this means his mast broke off about three 
handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood 
amazed like a bell-founder, and cried out, 
Ah, Panurge, where art thou? Panurge, see- 
ing that, said to the king and the giants, by 
G , they will hurt one another if they be not 
parted. But the giants were as merry as if 
they had been at a wedding. Then Carpal im 
would have risen from thence to help his 
master; but one of the giants said unto him, 
by Golfarin the nephew of Mahoom, if thou 
stir hence, I will put thee in the bottom of 
my breeches, instead of a suppository, which 
cannot choose but do me good. For in my bel- 
ly I am very costive, and cannot well cagar 
without gnashing my teeth, and making 
many filthy faces. Then Pantagruel, thus des- 
titute of a staff, took up the end of his mast, 
striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, 
but he did him no more hurt than you would 
do with a filip upon a smith's anvil. In the 
meantime Loupgarou was drawing his mace 
out of the ground, and, having already 
plucked it out, was ready therewith to have 
struck Pantagruel, who, being very quick in 
turning, avoided all his blows, in taking only 
the defensive part in hand, until on a sudden 
he saw, that Loupgarou did threaten him 
with these words, saying, Now villain, will 
not I fail to chop thee as small as minced 
meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever 
making any more poor men athirst! Then, 
without any more ado, Pantagruel struck him 
such a blow with his foot against the belly, 
that he made him fall backwards, his heels 
over his head, and dragged him thus along at 
flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then Loup- 
garou cried out, bleeding at the throat, Ma- 
hoom, Mahoom, Mahoom, at which noise all 
the giants arose to succour him. But Panurge 
said unto them, Gentlemen, do not go, if you 
will believe me; for our master is mad, and 
strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not 
where; he will do you a mischief. But the gi- 
ants made no account of it, seeing that Pan- 
tagruel had never a staff. 

And when Pantagruel saw those giants ap- 
proach very near unto him, he took Loupga- 
rou by the two feet, and lift up his body like 
a pike in the air, wherewith it being har- 
nished with anvils, he laid such heavy load 
amongst those giants armed with freestone, 
that, striking them clown as a mason doth lit- 
tle knobs of stones, there was not one of them 
that stood before him, whom he threw not 



PANTAGRUEL 



119 



flat to the ground. And by the breaking of 
this stony armour there was made such a hor- 
rible rumble, as put me in mind of the butter- 
tower of St. Stephen's at Bourges, when it 
melted before the sun. Panurge, with Carpa- 
lim and Eusthenes, did cut in the meantime 
the throats of those that were struck down, in 
such sort, that there escaped not one. Pan- 
tagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, 
who with his scythe, which was Loupgarou, 
cut down the meadow-grass, to wit, the gi- 
ants; but, with this fencing of Pantagruel's, 
Loupgarou lost his head, which happened 
when Pantagruel struck down one whose 
name was Riflandouille, or Pudding-plunder- 
er, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison- 
stones, one chip whereof splintering abroad 
cut off Epistcmon's neck clean and fair. For 
otherwise the most part of them were but 
lightly armed with a kind of sandy brittle 
stone, and the rest with slates. At last, when 
he saw that they were all dead, he threw the 
body of Loupgarou, as hard as he could, 
against the city, where falling like a frog 
upon his belly, in the great piazza thereof, he 
with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, wet 
she-cat, a farting duck, and a bridled goose. 

CHAPTER 30 

How Epistemon, icho had his head cut off, was 
finch/ healed by Panurge, and of the news 
which he brought from the Devils, and of 
the damned People in II ell 
Tins gigantal victory being ended, Pantag- 
ruel withdiew himself to the place of the 
flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, 
who came unto him safe and sound, except 
Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had 
scratched a little in the face, whilst he was 
about the cutting of his throat, and Episte- 
mon, who appeared not at all. Whereat Pan- 
tagruel was so aggrieved, that he would have 
killed himself. But Panurge said unto him, 
Nay, Sir, stay a while, and we will search for 
him amongst the dead, and find out the truth 
of all. Thus as they went seeking after him, 
they found him stark dead, with his head be- 
tween his arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes 
cried out, Ah, cruel death! hast thou taken 
from me the perfectest amongst men? At 
which words Pantagmel rose up with the 
greatest grief that ever any man did see, and 
said to Panurge, I la, my friend, the prophecy 
of your two glasses, and the javelin staff, was 
a gieat deal too deceitful. But Panurge an- 
swered, My dear bullies all, weep not one 



drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will 
make him as sound as ever he was. In saying 
this, he took the head, and held it warm fore' 
gainst his codpiece, that the wind might not 
enter into it. Eusthenes and Carpalim carried 
the body to the place where they had ban- 
queted, not out of any hope that ever he 
would recover, but that Pantagruel might see 
it. 

Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good 
comfort, saying, If I do not heal him, I will be 
content to lose my head, which is a fool's 
wager. Leave off, therefore, crying, and help 
me. Then cleansed he his neck very well with 
pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, 
and into it synapised some powder of diamer- 
dis, which he always carried about him in one 
of his bags. Afterwards he anointed it with I 
know not what ointment, and set it on very 
just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, 
and spondyl against spondyl, that he might 
not be wry-necked, for such people, he mor- 
tally hated. This done, he gave it round about 
some fifteen or sixteen stitches with a needle, 
that it might not fall off again, then on all 
sides, and everywhere, he put a little oint- 
ment on it, which he called resuscitative. 

Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, 
then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, and 
afterwards let a great household fart. Where- 
upon Panurge said, Now, certainly, he is 
healed, and therefore gave him to drink a 
large full glass of strong white wine, with a 
sugared toast. In this fashion was Epistemon 
finely healed, only that he was somewhat 
hoarse for above three weeks together, and 
had a diy cough of which he could not be rid, 
but by the force of continual drinking. And 
now he began to speak, and said, that he had 
seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer fa- 
miliarly, and had been very merry in hell, 
and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seri- 
ously before them all, that the devils were 
boon companions and merry fellows. But, in 
respect of the damned, he said he was very 
sorry, that, Panurge had so soon called him 
back: into this world again; for, said he, I took 
wonderful delight to see them. How so? said 
Pantagruel. Because they do not use them 
there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think 
they do. Their estate and condition of living 
is but only changed after a very strange man- 
ner; for I saw Alexander the Great there, 
mending and patching on clouts upon old 
breeches and stockings, arid thus got a very 
poor living. 



120 



RABELAIS 



Xerxes was a crier of mustard. 

Romulus, a salter, and patcher of pattens. 

Numa, a nailsmith. 

Tarquin, a porter. 

Piso, a clownish swain. 

Sylla, a ferryman. 

Cyrus, a cowherd, 

Themistocles, a glass-maker. 

Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking- 
glasses. 

Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of 
land. 

Demosthenes, a vine-dresser. 

Cicero, a fire-kindler. 

Fabius, a threader of beads. 

Artaxerxes, a rope-maker. 

^Eneas, a miller. 

Achilles was a scald-pated maker of hay-bun- 
dles. 

Agamemnon, a lick -box. 

Ulysses, a hay-mower. 

Nestor, a deer-keeper or forester. 

Darius, a gold-finder, or jakes-farmer. 

Ancus Martins, a ship-trimmer. 

Camillus, a foot-post. 

Marcellus, a sheller of beans. 

Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of play- 
houses. 

Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden- 



cipi 
sir 



upper. 

Asdrubal, a lantern-maker. 

Hannibal, a kettle-maker and seller of egg 
shells. 

Priamus, a seller of old clouts. 

Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead 
horses. 

All the Knights of the Round Table, were 
poor day-labourers, employed to row over 
the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, 
Acheron, and Lethe, when my lords the 
devils had a mind to recreate themselves 
upon the water, as in the like occasion are 
hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers 
of Venice, and oars of London. But with 
this difference, that these poor knights 
have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the 
nose, and, in the evening, a morsel of 
coarse mouldy bread. 

Trajan was fisher of frogs. 

Antoninus, a lackey. 

Commodus, a bagpiper. 

Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. 

Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks' bells. 

Justinian, a pedlar. 

Hector, a snap-sauce scullion. 

Paris, was a poor beggar. 



Carnbyses, a mule driver. 

Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that 
instrument which is called a wind-broach. 
Fierabras was his serving-man, who did 
him a thousand mischievous tricks, and 
would make him eat of the brown bread, 
and drink of the turned wine, when him- 
self did both eat and drink of the best. 

Julius Cresar and Pompey were boat-wrights 
and tighters of ships. 

Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves 
of hell, and were sweat-rubbers in hot 
houses. 

Giglan and Gawain were poor swine-herds. 

Geoffrey with the great tooth, was a tinder- 
maker and seller of matches. 

Godfrey de Bullion, a hood-maker. 

Jason was a bracelet-maker. 

Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgen- 
ces. 

Morgante, a beer-brewer. 

Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels. 

Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion. 

Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper. 

Octavian, a scraper of parchment. 

Nerva, a manner. 

Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but 
he loft off wearing there his great buggerly 
beard. 

John of Paris was a greaser of boots. 

Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps. 

Perce-Forest, a carrier of fagots. 

Popo Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of 
pots. 

Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper. 

Pope Alexander, a rat-catcher. 

Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have 
the pox. 

What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox 
there too? Surely, said Epistemon, I never saw 
so many: there are there, I think, above a 
hundred millions, for believe, that those who 
have not had the pox in this world, must have 
it in the other. 

Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; 
for I have been as far as the hole of Gibraltar, 
reached unto the outmost bounds of Her- 
cules, and gathered of the ripest. 

Ogier the Dane, was a furbisher of armour. 

The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched 
houses. 

Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps. 

The four sons of Aymon were all tooth- 
drawers. 



PANTAGRUEL 



121 



Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine 

qua nvn. 

Pope Urban, a bacon-picker. 
Mehisina was a kitchen drudge-wench. 
Matabrune, a laundress. 
Cleopatra, a crier of onions. 
Helen, a broker for chamber-maids. 
Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer. 
Dido did sell mushrooms. 
Penthesilea sold cresses. 
Lucrctia was an ale-house keeper. 
Hortensia, a spinstress. 
Livia, a grater of verdgrease. 

After this manner, those, that had been 
great lords and ladies here, got but a poor 
scurvy wretched living there below. And, on 
the contrary, the philosophers and others, 
who in this world had been altogether indi- 
gent and wanting, were great lords there in 
their turn. I saw Diogenes there strut it out 
most pompously, and in great magnificence, 
with a rich purple gown on him, and a golden 
sceptre in his right hand. And which is more, 
he would now and then make Alexander the 
Great mad, so enormously would he abuse 
him, when he had not well patched his 
breeches; for he used to pay his skin with 
sound bastinadoes. I saw Epictetus there 
most gallantly apparelled after the French 
fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with 
store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, 
drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, 
with abundance of crowns of the sun. Above 
the lattice were written these verses for his 
device : 

To leap and dance, to sport and play, 
And drink good wine both white and 
brown, 

Or nothing else do all the day, 

But tell bags full of many a crown. 

When he saw me, he invited me to drink 
with him very courteously, and I being will- 
ing to be entreated, we tippled and chopincd 
together most theologically. In the meantime 
came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for the 
honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few 
onions for his supper. No, no, said Epictetus, 
I do not use in my alms-giving to bestow 
farthings. Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown 
for thee, be an honest man. Cyrus was ex- 
ceeding glad to have met with such a booty; 
but the other poor rogues, the kings that are 
there below, as Alexander, Darius, and oth- 



ers, stole it away from him by night. I saw 
Pathelin the treasurer of Khadamanthns, 
who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that 
Pope Julius cried, asked him how much a 
dozen? Three blanks, said the pope. Nay, said 
Pathelin, three blows with a cudgel. Lay 
them down here, you rascal, and go fetch 
more. The poor pope went away weeping, 
who, when he came to his master the pic- 
maker, told him that they had taken away his 
pudding-pies. Whereupon his master gave 
him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that 
his own would have been worth nothing io 
make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master John Lc 
Ma ire there personate the pope, in such fash- 
ion, that he made all the poor kings and 
popes of this world kiss his feet; and, taking 
great state upon him, gave them his benedic- 
tion, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the 
pardons, they are good and cheap. I absolve 
you of bread and pottage, and dispense with 
you to be never good for anything. Then, 
calling Caillet and Triboulct to him, he spake 
these words, My lords the cardinals, dispatch 
their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow 
with a cudgel upon the reins. Which, accord- 
ingly, was forthwith performed. I heard Mas- 
ter Francis Villon ask Xerxes, How much the 
mess of mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes. To 
which the said Villon answered, The pox take 
thec for a villain! As much of square-eared 
wheat is not worth half that price, and now 
thou ofFerest to enhance the price of victuals. 
With this be pissed in his pot, as the mustard- 
makers of Paris used to do. I saw the trained 
bow-man of the bathing tub, known by the 
name of the Franc arclier dc Baignolct, who, 
being one of the trustees of the Inquisition, 
when he saw Pcrce-Forcst making water 
against a wall, on which was painted the fire 
of St. Anthony, declared him heretic, and 
would have caused him to be burnt alive, had 
it not been for Morgante, who for his Proficiat 
and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of 
beer. 

Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair 
stories for tmother time, only tell us how the 
usurers are there handled. I saw them, said 
Epistemon, all very busily employed in seek- 
ing of rusty pins, and old nails in the kennels 
of the streets, as you see poor wretched 
rogues do in this world. But the quintal, or 
hundred weight, of this old iron ware is there 
valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, 
and yet they have but a very bad dispatch 
and riddance in the sale of it. Thus the poor 



122 



RABELAIS 



misers are sometimes three whole weeks 
without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, 
and yet work both day and night, looking for 
the fair to corne. Nevertheless, of all this la- 
bour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so 
cursedly active they are in the prosecution of 
that their base calling, in hopes, at the end of 
the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it. 

Come, said Paritagruel, let us now make 
ourselves rnerry one bout, and drink my lads, 
I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all 
this month. Then did they uncase their flag- 
ons by heaps and dozens, and with their leagu- 
er provision made excellent good cheer. But 
the poor King Anarchus could not all this 
while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; 
whereupon Panurge said, Of what trade shall 
we make my lord the king here, that he may 
be skilful in the art, when he goes thither to 
sojourn amongst all the devils of hell? In- 
deed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised 
of thee. Do with him what thou wilt, I give 
him to thee. Grammercy, said Panurge, the 
present is not to be refused, and I love it from 
you. 

CHAPTER 31 

How Pantagruel entered into the city of the 
Amaurots, and how Panurge married King 
Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying liag, 
and made him a crier of green sauce 

AFTER this wonderful victory, Pantagruel 
sent Carpalim unto the city of the Amaurots, 
to declare and signify unto them, how the 
King Anarchus was taken prisoner, and all 
the enemies of the city overthrown. Which 
news when they heard, all the inhabitants of 
the city came forth to meet him in good or- 
der, and with a great triumphant pomp, con- 
ducting him with a heavenly joy into the city, 
where innumerable bon-fires were kindled, 
through all the parts thereof, and fair round 
tables, which were furnished with store of 
good victuals, set out in the middle of the 
streets. This was a renewing of the golden age 
in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer 
which then they made. 

But Pantagruel, having assembled the 
whole senate, and common council-men of 
the town, said My masters, we must now 
strike the iron whilst it is hot. It is, therefore, 
my will that, before we frolic it any longer, 
we advise how to assault and take the whole 
kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect, let 
those that will go with me to provide them- 
selves against to-morrow after drinking; for 



then will I begin to march. Not that I need 
any more men than I have, to help me to con- 
quer it; for I could make it as sure that way 
as if I had it already, but I see this city is so 
full of inhabitants, that they can scarce turn 
into the streets. 1 will, therefore, carry them 
as a colony in Dipsody, and will give them all 
that country, which is fair, wealthy, fruitful, 
and pleasant, above all other countries in the 
world, as many of you can tell, who have been 
there heretofore. Every one of you, therefore, 
that will go along, let him provide himself as 
I have said. This counsel and resolution being 
published in the city, the next morning there 
assembled in the piazza, before the palace, to 
the number of eighteen hundred fifty-six 
thousand and eleven, besides women and lit- 
tle children. Thus began they to march 
straight into Dipsody, in such good order as 
did the people of Israel, when they departed 
out of Egypt, to pass over the Red Sea. 

But, before we proceed any further in this 
purpose, I will tell you how Panurge handled 
his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having 
remembered that which Epistemon had re- 
lated, how the kings and rich men in this 
world were used in the Elysian fields, and 
how they got their living there by base and 
ignoble trades, he, therefore, one clay appar- 
elled his king in a pretty little canvass doub- 
let, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a 
light horseman's cap, together with a pair of 
large mariner's breeches, and stockings with- 
out shoes, For, said he, they would but spoil 
his sight, and a little peach-coloured bon- 
net, with a great capon's feather in it I lie, 
for I think he had two and a very handsome 
girdle of a sky colour and green, (in French 
called pers et vert) saying, that such a livery 
did become him well, for that he had always 
been perverse, and, in this plight bringing 
him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you 
know this roister? No, indeed, said Panta- 
gruel. It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of 
the three batches, or thread-bare sovereign. I 
intend to make him an honest man. These 
devilish kings, which we have here, are but as 
so many calves, they know nothing, and are 
good for nothing but to do a thousand mis- 
chiefs to their poor subjects, and to trouble 
all the world with war for their unjust and de- 
testable pleasure. I will put him to a trade, 
and make him a crier of green sauce. Go to, 
begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce? 
ana the poor devil cried. That is too low, said 
Panurge, then took him by the ear, saying 



PANTAGRUEL 



123 



Sing higher in ge, sol, re, ut. So, so, poor dev- 
il, thou hast a good throat: thon wert never 
so happy as to be no longer king. And Panta- 
gruel made himself merry with all this; for I 
dare boldly say, that he was the best little 
gaffer that was to be seen between this and 
the end of a staff. Thus was Anarchus made a 
good crier of green sauce. Two clays thereaf- 
ter, Panurge married him with an old lantern- 
carrying hag, and he himself made the wed- 
ding with fine sheep's-heads, brave haslets 
with mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of 
which he sent five horse-loads unto Panta- 
gruel, which he ate up all, he found them so 
appetising. And for their drink, they had a 
kind of small well-watered wine, and some 
fine sorb-apple cider. And to make them 
dance, he hired a blind man, that made music 
to them with a wind-broach. 

After dinner he led them to the palace, and 
shewed them to Pantagruel, and said, point- 
ing to the married woman, You need not fear 
that she will crack. Why? said Pantagruel. 
Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and 
broke up already. What do you mean by that? 
said Pantagruel. Do not you see, said Pa- 
nurge, that the chesnuts which are roasted in 
the fire, if they be whole, they crack as if 
they were mad; and, to keep them from 
cracking, they make an incision in them, and 
slit them. So this new bride is in her lower 
parts well slit before, and, therefore, will not 
crack behind. 

Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near 
the lower street, and a mortar of stone where- 
in to bray and pound their sauce, and in this 
manner did they do their little business, he 
being as pretty a crier of green sauce, as ever 
was seen in the country of Utopia. But I have 
been told since, that his wife doth beat him 
like plaster, and the poor sot dares not defend 
himself, he is so simple. 

CHAPTER 32 

How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a 
whole Army, and what the Author saw in 
his Mouth 

THUS as Pantagruel with all his army had en- 
tered into the country of the Dipsocles, every 
one was glad of it, and incontinently rendered 
themselves unto him, bringing him out of 
their own good wills the keys of all the cities 
where he went, the Almirods only excepted, 
who, being resolved to hold out against him, 
made answer to his heralds, that they would 



not yield but upon very honourable and good 
conditions. 

What? said Pantagruel, do they ask any 
better terms, than the hand at the pot, and 
the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack 
them, and put them all to the sword. Then 
did they put themselves in good order, as be- 
ing fully determined to give an assault, but 
by the way, passing through a large field, 
they were overtaken with a great shower of 
rain, whereat they began to shiver and trem- 
ble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one 
another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made 
their captains tell them that it was nothing, 
and that he saw well above the clouds, that it 
would be nothing but a little dew; but how- 
soever, that they should put themselves in or- 
der, and he would cover them. Then did they 
put themselves in a close order, and stood as 
near to each other as they could, and Panta- 
gruel drew out his tongue only half -ways, and 
covered them all, as a hen doth her chickens. 
In the meantime I, who relate to you these so 
veritable stories, hid myself under a burdock- 
leaf, which was not much less in largeness 
than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but, 
when I saw them thus covered, I went to- 
wards them to shelter myself likewise; which 
I could not do, for that they were so, as the 
saying is, At the yard's end there is no cloth 
left. Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, 
and went along full two leagues upon his 
tongue, and so long marched, that at last I 
carnc into his mouth. But, oh gods and god- 
desses, what did I see there! Jupiter confound 
me with his trisulk lightning if I lie! I walked 
there as they do in Sophie, at Constantinople, 
and saw there great rocks, like the mountains 
in Denmark I believe that those were his 
teeth. I saw also fair meadows, large forests, 
great and strong cities, not a jot less than 
Lyons or Poictiers. The first man I met there 
was a good honest fellow planting coleworts, 
whereat being very much amazed, I asked 
him, My friend, what dost thou make here? I 
plant coleworts, said he. But how, and where- 
with, said I? Ha, Sir, said he, every one can- 
not have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar, 
neither can we be all rich. Thus do I get my 
poor living, and carry them to the market to 
sell in the city which is here behind. Jesus! 
said I, is there here a new world? Sure, said 
he, it is never a jot new, but it is commonly 
reported, that, without this, there is an earth, 
whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a 
sun and moon, and that it is full of, and re- 



124 



RABELAIS 



plenished with, very good commodities; but 
yet this is more ancient than that. Yea, but, 
said I, my friend, what is the name of that 
city, whither thou earnest thy cole worts to 
sell? It is called Aspharage, said he, and all 
the in-dwellers are Christians, very honest 
men, and will make you good cheer. To be 
brief, I resolved to go thither. Now, in my 
way, I met with a fellow that was lying in 
wait to catch pigeons, of whom I asked, My 
friend, from whence come these pigeons? Sir, 
said he, they come from the other world. 
Then I thought, that, when Pantagruel 
yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in 
whole flocks, thinking that it had been a pig- 
eon-house. 

Then I went into the city, which I found 
fair, very strong, and seated in a good air; but 
at my entry the guard demanded of me my 
pass or ticket. Whereat I was much aston- 
ished, and asked them, My masters, is there 
any danger of the plague here? O Lord, said 
they, they die hard by here so fast, that the 
cart runs about the streets. Good God, said I, 
and where? Whercunto they answered, that it 
was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two 
great cities, such as Rouen and Nantes, rich 
and of great trading. And the cause of the 
plague was by a stinking and infectious ex- 
halation, which lately vapoured out of the 
abismes, whereof there have died above two 
and twenty hundred and threescore thou- 
sand and sixteen persons within this seven- 
night. Then I considered, calculated, and 
found, that it was an unsavoury breathing, 
which came out of Pantagruel's stomach, 
when he did eat so much garlic, as we have 
aforesaid. 

Parting from thence, I passed amongst the 
rocks, which were his teeth, and never left 
walking, till I got up on one of them; and there 
I found the pleasantest places in the world, 
great large tennis-courts, fair galleries, sweet 
meadows, store of vines, and an infinite num- 
'ber of banqueting summer outhouses in the 
fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleas- 
ure and delight, where I stayed full four 
months, and never made better cheer in my 
life as then. After that I went clown by the 
hinder teeth to come to the chaps. But in the 
way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest, 
that is in the territory towards the ears. Then, 
after a little further travelling, I fell upon a 
pretty petty village, truly I have forgot the 
name of it, where I was yet merrier than 
ever, and got some certain money to live by. 



Can you tell how? By sleeping. For there they 
hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by 
it sixpence a clay, but they than can snore 
hard get at least nincpence. How I had been 
robbed in the valley, I informed the senators, 
who told me, that, in very truth, the people of 
that side were bad livers, and naturally thiev- 
ish, whereby I perceived well, that as we 
have with us the countries Cisalpine and 
Transalpine, that is, be-hither and beyond 
the mountains, so have they there the coun- 
tries Cidentine and Tradentine, that is, be- 
hither and beyond the teeth. But it is far bet- 
ter living on this side, and the air is purer. 
There I began to think, that it is very true, 
which is commonly said, that one half of the 
world knoweth not how the other half liveth; 
seeing none before myself had ever written of 
that country, wherein are above five and 
twenty kingdoms inhabited, besides deserts, 
and a great arm of the sea. Concerning which, 
I have composed a great book intituled The 
History of the Gorgians, because they dwell 
in the gorge of my master Pantagruel. 

At last 1 was willing to return, and, passing 
by his beard, I cast myself upon his shoul- 
ders, and from thence slid down to the 
ground, and fell before him. As soon as I was 
perceived by him, he asked me, Whence 
comest thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out 
of your mouth, my lord! And how long hast 
thou been there? said he. Since the time, said 
I, that you went against the Alrnirods. That is 
about six months ago, said he. And where- 
with didst thou live? What diclst thou drink? 
I answered, My lord, of the same that you 
did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed 
through your throat I took toll. Yea, but, said 
he, where didst thou shite? In your throat, 
my lord, said I. I la, ha, thou art a merry fel- 
low, said he. We have with the help of God 
conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will 
give thee the ChasteUeine, or Lairdship of 
Salmigondin. Grammercy, my lord, said I, 
you gratify me beyond all that I have de- 
served of you. 

CHAPTER 33 

How Pantagrud became sick, and the man- 
ner how he was recovered 

AWHILE after this the good Pantagruel fell 
sick, and had such an obstruction in his stom- 
ach, that he could neither eat nor drink: arid, 
because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot 
piss seized on him, which tormented him 



PANTAGRUEL 



125 



more than you would believe. His physicians 
nevertheless helped him very well, and with 
store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made him 
piss away his pain. His urine was so hot, that 
since that time it is not yet cold, and you have 
of it in divers places of France, according to 
the course that it took, and they are called the 
hot baths, as 

At Coderets. 

At Limous. 

At Dast. 

At Balleruc. 

At Neric. 
At Bourbennensy, and elsewhere in Italy. 

At Mongros. 

At Appone. 
At Sancto Pet.ro de Padua. 

At St. Helen. 

At Casa Nuova. 

At St. Bartolomeo, in the county of Boulogne. 
At the Porrctte, and a thousand other places. 

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish 
philosophers and physicians, who spend their 
time in disputing, whence the heat of the said 
waters cometh, whether it be by reason of 
borax, or sulphur, or alum, or salt-petre, that 
is within the mine. For they do nothing but 
dote, and better were it for them to rub their 
arse against a thistle, than to waste away their 
time in thus disputing of that, whereof they 
know not the original; for the resolution is 
easy, neither need we to inquire any further, 
than that the said baths came by a hot piss of 
the good Pantagruel. 

Now, to tell you, after what manner he was 
cured of his principal disease, I let pass how 
for a rninorative, or gentle potion, he took 
four hundred pound weight of colophoniac 
scammony, six score and eighteen cart loads 
of cassia, an eleven thousand and nine hun- 
dred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other 
confused jumblings of sundry drugs. You 
must understand, that by the advice of the 
physicians it was ordained, that what did of- 
fend his stomach should be taken away; and, 
therefore, they made seventeen great balls of 
copper, each whereof was bigger than that 
which is to be seen on the top of St. Peter's 
needle at Rome, and in such sort, that they 
did open in the midst, and shut with a spring. 
Into one of them entered one of his men, 
carrying a lantern and a torch lighted, and so 
Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little 
pill. Into seven others went seven country fel- 
lows, having every one of them a shovel on 



his neck. Into nine others entered nine wood- 
carriers, having each of them a basket hung 
at his neck, and so were they swallowed down 
like pills. When they were in his stomach, ev- 
ery one undid his spring, and came out of 
their cabins. The first whereof was he that 
carried the lantern, and so they fell more 
than half a league into a most horrible gulf, 
more stinking and infectious than ever was 
Mephitis, or the marshes of the Camerina, or 
the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbonnc, 
whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it 
not been, that they had very well antidoted 
their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is 
called the noddle, they had been altogether 
suffocated and choked with these detestable 
vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evap- 
oration wherewith to bewray the masks or 
mufflers of young mangy queans. After that, 
with groping and smelling they came near to 
the fecal matter and the corrupted humours. 
Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of or- 
dure and filth. Then fell the pioneers to work 
to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels 
filled the baskets; and, when all was cleansed, 
every one retired himself into his ball. 

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to 
a vomit very easily brought them out, and 
they made no more show in his mouth, than a 
fart in yours. But, when they came merrily 
out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians 
coming out of the Trojan horse. By this means 
was he healed, and brought into his former 
state and convalescence; and of these brazen 
pills, or rather copper balls, you have one at 
Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy Cross 
Church. 

CHAPTER 34 

The conclusion of this present Book, and the 
excuse of the Author 

Now, rny masters, you have heard a begin- 
ning of the horrific history of my lord and 
master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end 
of the first book. My head aches a little, and 
I perceive ^that the registers of my brain are 
somewhat jumbled and disordered with the 
septembral juice. You shall have the rest of 
the history at Frankfort mart next coming, 
and there shall you see, how Panurge was 
married and made a cuckold within a month 
alter his wedding: how Pantagruel found out 
the philosophers stone, the manner how he 
found it, and the way how to use it: how he 
passed over the Caspian mountains, and how 



126 



RABELAIS 



he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated 
the Cannibals, and conquered the isles of 
Pearls, how he married the daughter of the 
King of India, called Presthan, how he fought 
against the devil, and burnt up five chambers 
of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, 
threw Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth 
to Lucifer, and the horn that was in his arse. 
How he visited the regions of the moon, to 
know whether indeed the moon were not en- 
tire and whole, or if the women had three 
quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand 
other little merriments all veritable. These are 
brave things truly. Good night, gentlemen. 
Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon 
my faults, that you forget your own. 

If you say to me, master, it would seem, 
that you were not very wise in writing to us 
these flimflam stories, and pleasant fooleries; 
I answer you, that you are not much wiser to 
spend your time in reading them. Neverthe- 
less, if you read them to make yourselves 
merry, as in manner of pastime I wrote them, 
you and I both are far more worthy of par- 
don, than a great rabble of squint-minded 
fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints, 
demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zeal- 
ots, tough friars, buskin monks, and other 
such sects of men, who disguise themselves 
like maskers to deceive the world. For, whilst 
they give the common people to understand, 



that they are busied about nothing but con- 
templation and devotion in fastings, and mac- 
eration of their sensuality, and that only to 
sustain and aliment the small frailty of their 
humanity, it is so far otherwise, that, on the 
contrary, God knows, what cheer they make: 
Et Curios simulant, sed Bacchanalia vivunt. 92 
You may read it in great letters in the colour- 
ing of their red snouts, and gulching bellies as 
big as a tun, unless it be when they perfume 
themselves with sulphur. As for their study, it 
is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelin 
books, not so much to pass the time merrily, 
as to hurt some one or other mischievously, to 
wit, in articling, sole articling, wry-neckify- 
ing, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabli- 
culating, that is calumniating. Wherein they 
are like unto the poor rogues of a village, that 
are busy in stirring up and scraping in the 
ordure and filth of little children, in the sea- 
son of cherries and guinds, and that only to 
find the kernels, that they may sell them to 
the druggists, to make thereof pomander oil. 
Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as 
much as I do, and upon my faith you will find 
yourselves the better for it. And if you desire 
to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to 
live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves 
always merry; never trust those men that al- 
ways peep out at one hole. 



BOOK THREE 



TKKATJNG OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS 
OE THE GOOD PANTAGRUEL 



FRANCIS RABELAIS 
To THE SPIRIT OF THE QUEEN OE NAVARRE 
ABSTRACTED soul, ravish'd with ecstasies, 
Gone back, and now familiar in the skies, 
Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite, 
Which to obey thee always took delight, 
Obsequious, ready, now from motion free, 
Senseless, and, as it were in apathy, 
Would'st thou not issue forth, for a short space, 
From that divine, eternal heavenly place, 
To see the third part, in this earthy cell. 
Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel? 

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 



GOOD people, most illustrious drinkers, and 
you thrice precious gouty gentlemen, did you 
ever sec Diogenes the cynic philosopher? If 
you have seen him, you then had your eyes in 
your head, or I am very much out of my un- 
derstanding and logical sense. It is a gallant 
thing to see the clearness of (wine, gold,) the 
sun. Til be judged by the blind-born, so re- 
nowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, hav- 
ing at his choice to ask whatever he would 
from him who is Almighty, and whose word 
in an instant is effectually performed, asking 
nothing else but that he might see. Item, you 
are not young, which is a competent quality 
for you to philosophize more than physically 
on wine, (en vin) not in vain (en vain) and 
henceforwards to be of the Bacchic Council; 
to the end that opining there, you may give 
your opinion faithfully of the substance, col- 
our, excellent odour, emincncy, propriety, 
faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the 
said blessed and desired liquor. 

If you have not seen him, as I am easily in- 
duced to believe that you have not, at least 
you have heard some talk of him. For through 
the air, and the whole extent of this hemi- 
sphere of the heavens, hath his report and 



fame, even until this present time, remained 
very memorable and renowned. Then all of 
you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I 
be not deceived. If you have not so many 
crowns as Midas had, yet have you some- 
thing, I know not what, of him, which the 
Persians of old esteemed more of in all their 
otacusts, and which was more desired by the 
Emperor Antoninus; and gave occasion there- 
after to the Basilisco at Rohan to be sur- 
riamed Goodly Ears. If you have not heard of 
him, I will presently tell you a story to make 
your wine relish. Drink then, so, to the pur- 
pose. Hearken now whilst I give you notice, 
to the end that you may not, like infidels, be 
by your simplicity abused, that in his time he 
was a rare philosopher, and the cheerfullest 
of a thousand. *If he had some imperfection, 
so have you, as have we; for there is nothing, 
but God, that is perfect. Yet so it was, that by 
Alexander the Great, although he had Aris- 
totle for his instructor and domestic, was he 
held in such estimation, that he wished, if he 
had not been Alexander, to have been Diog- 
enes the Sinopian. 

When Philip King of Macedon enterprised 
the siege and ruin of Corinth, the Corin- 



127 



128 



RABELAIS 



thians having received certain intelligence by 
their spies, that he with a numerous army in 
battle array was coming against them, were 
all of them, not without cause, most terribly 
afraid; and therefore were not neglective of 
their duty, in doing their best endeavours to 
put themselves in a fit posture to resist his 
hostile approach and defend their own city. 

Some from the fields brought into the forti- 
fied places their moveables, cattle, corn, 
wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary pro- 
vision. 

Others did fortify and rampire their walls, 
set up little fortresses, bastions, squared rav- 
elins, digged trenches, cleansed counter- 
mines, fenced themselves with gabions, con- 
trived platforms, emptied casemates, barri- 
caded the false brays, erected the cavalliers, 
repaired the contrescarpes plaistered the 
courtines, lengthened ravelins, stopped para- 
pets, mortaised barbacans, new-pointed the 
portcullices, fastened the herses, sarasincsks, 
and cataracts, placed their sentries, and dou- 
bled their patrol. Every one did watch and 
ward, and none was exempted from carrying 
the basket. Some polished corselets, var- 
nished backs and breasts, cleaned the head- 
pieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salaries, hel- 
mets, morions, jacks, gushets, gorgets, ho- 
guines, brassars, and cuissards, corselets, hau- 
bergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, greves, 
gantlets and spurs. Others made ready bows, 
slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, mi- 
graines or fire-balls, firebrands, balists, scor- 
pions, and other such warlike engines, expug- 
natory, and destructive to the helepolides. 
They sharpened and prepared spears, staves, 
pikes, brown bills, halberts, long hooks, lanc- 
es, zagayes, quarterstaves, eel-spears, parti- 
sans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes, maces, 
darts, dartlets, glaves, javelins, javelots, and 
truncheons. They set edges upon scimetars, 
cutlasses, badelaire, back-swords, tucks, sa- 
piers, bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, 
mandousians, poniards, whynyards, knives, 
skenes sables, chippin knives and raillons. 

Every man exercised his weapon, every 
man scoured off the rust from his natural 
hanger: nor was there a woman amongst 
them, though never so reserved, or old, who 
made not her harness to be well furbished; as 
you know the Corinthian women of old were 
reputed very courageous combatants. 

Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, 
and himself not employed by the magistrates 
in any business whatsoever, he did very seri- 



ously, for many days together, without speak- 
ing one word, consider, and contemplate the 
countenances of his fellow-citizens. 

Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused 
up and inspired by a martial spirit, he girded 
his cloak, scarf-wise, about his left arm, 
tucked up his sleeves to the elbow, trussed 
himself like a clown gathering apples, and 
giving to one of his old acquaintance his wal- 
let, books, and opistographs, away went he 
out of town towards a little hill or promon- 
tory of Corinth, called Craneum, and there 
on the strand, a pretty level place, did he roll 
his jolly tub, which served him for a house to 
shelter him from the injuries of the weather; 
there, I say in great vehernency of spirit, did 
he turn it, veer it, wheel it, frisk it, jumble it, 
shuffle it, huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, 
justle it, overthrow it, evert it, invert it, sub- 
vert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, 
batter it, knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, 
shock it, shake it, toss it, throw it, overthrow 
it, upside down, topsiturvy, arsiversy, tread 
it, trample it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, 
tingle it, towl it, sound it, resound it, stop it, 
shut it, unhung it, close it, unstopple it, And 
then again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, 
slubbered it, hacked it, whit led it, wayed it, 
darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, 
swinged it, brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, 
heaved it, transformed it, transfigured it, 
transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised 
it, noised it, washed it, clighted it, cleansed it, 
rinced it, nailed it, settled it, fastened it, 
shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it, 
tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, be- 
wrayed it, parched it, mounted it, broached 
it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked 
it, adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gaged 
it, furnished it, bored it, pierced it, trapped it, 
rumbled it, slid it clown the hill, and precipi- 
tated it from the very height of the Craneum; 
then from the foot to the top, (like another 
Sisyphus with his stone, ) bore it up again, and 
every way so banged it and belaboured it, 
that it was ten thousand to one he had not 
struck the bottom of it out. 

Which when one of his friends had seen, 
and asked him why he did so toil his body, 
perplex his spirit, and torment his tub? the 
philosopher's answer was, That, not being 
employed in any other charge by the Repub- 
lic, he thought it expedient to thunder and 
storm it so tempestuously upon his tub, that, 
amongst a people so fervently busy and earn- 
est at work, he alone might not seem a loiter- 



PROLOGUE 



129 



ing slug and lazy fellow. To the same purpose 
may I say of myself, 

Though I be rid from fear, 
I am not void of care. 

For perceiving no account to be made of 
me towards the discharge of a trust of any 
great concernment, and considering that 
through all the parts of this most noble king- 
dom of France, both on this and on the other 
side of the mountains, every one is most dili- 
gently exercised and busied, some in the 
fortifying of their own native country, for its 
defence, others in the repulsing of their en- 
emies by an offensive war; and all this with a 
policy so excellent, and such admirable order, 
so manifestly profitable for the future, where- 
by France shall have its frontiers most mag- 
nifically enlarged, and the French assured of 
a long and well-grounded peace, that very lit- 
tle withholds me from the opinion of good 
Heraclitus, which affirmeth war, to be the fa- 
ther of all good things; and therefore do I be- 
lieve that war is in Latin called Belltim, and 
not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old 
rusty Latin would have us to think, because 
in war there is little beauty to be seen; but ab- 
solutely and simply, for that in war appcar- 
eth all that is good and graceful, and that by 
the wars is purged out all manner of wicked- 
ness and deformity. For proof whereof the 
wise and pacific Solomon could no better rep- 
resent the unspeakable perfection of the di- 
vine wisdom, than by comparing it to the due 
disposure and ranking of an army in battle ar- 
ray, well provided and ordered. 

Therefore, by reason of my weakness and 
inability, being reputed by my compatriots 
unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and, on 
the other side, being no way employed in 
matter of the defensive, although it had been 
but to carry burdens, fill ditches, or break 
clods, either whereof had been to me indiffer- 
ent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only 
an idle spectator of so many valorous, elo- 
quent, and warlike persons, who in the view 
and sight of all Europe act this notable inter- 
lude or tragi-comedy, and not exert myself, 
and contribute thereto this nothing, my all, 
which remained for me to do. In my opinion, 
little honour is due to such as are mere look- 
ers on, liberal of their eyes, and of their 
strength parsimonious; who conceal their 
crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their 
head with one finger like grumbling puppies, 



gaping at the flies like tithe calves; clapping 
down their ears like Arcadian asses at the 
melody of musicians, who with their very 
countenances in the depth of silence express 
their consent to the Prosopopeia. 1 Having 
made this choice and election, it seemed to 
me that my exercise therein would be neither 
unprofitable nor troublesome to any, whilst I 
should thus set agoing my Diogenical tub, 
which is all that is left me safe from the ship- 
wreck of my former misfortunes. 

At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, 
what would you have me to do? By the Virgin 
that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet. 
Stay a little, till I suck up a draught of this 
bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it is my 
Caballine Fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. 
Drinking thus, I meditate, discourse, resolve, 
and conclude. After that the epilogue is 
made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink 
again. Ennius drinking wrote, and writing 
drank. /Eschylus, if Plutarch in his Sympo- 
siacs merit any faith, drank composing, and 
drinking composed. Homer never wrote fast- 
ing, and Cato never wrote till after he had 
drank. These passages I have brought before 
you, to the end you may not say that I live 
without the example of men well praised, and 
better prized. It is good and fresh enough, 
even as if you would say, it is entering upon 
the second degree. God, the good God of 
Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be 
praised for it eternally! If you after the same 
manner would take one great draught, or two 
little ones, whilst you have your gown about 
you, I truly find no kind of inconvenience in 
it, provided you send up to God for all some 
small scantling of thanks. 

Since then my luck or destiny is such as 
you have heard, for it is not for every body 
to go to Corinth, I am fully resolved to be so 
little idle arid unprofitable, that I will set my- 
self to serve the one and the other sort of peo- 
ple. Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and ram- 
part-builders, I will do as did Neptune and 
Apollo, at Troy, under Laomedon, or as did 
Renault of Montauban in his latter days: I 
will serve the masons, I will set on the pot to 
boil for the bricklayers: and whilst the 
minced meat is making ready at the sound of 
my small pipe, I will measure the muzzle of 
the missing dotards. Thus did Amphion with 
the melody of his harp found, build, and fin- 
ish the great and renowned city of Thebes. 

For the use of the warriors I am about to 
broach off a new barrel to give them a taste, 



130 



RABELAIS 



(which hy two former volumes of mine, if by 
the deceitfulness and falsehood of printers, 
they had not been jumbled, marred, and 
spoiled, you would have very well relished, ) 
and draw unto them, of the growth of our 
own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of 
a gallon, and consequently a jolly cheerful 
quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you 
may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenic.il; 
and shall have me, seeing I cannot be their 
fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, re- 
freshing and cheering, according to my little 
power, their return from the alarms of the en- 
emy, as also for an indefatigable extoller of 
their martial exploits and glorious achieve- 
ments. I shall not fail therein, par lapathium 
acutum 2 dc Dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, 
which the cunning lecher, I warrant you, will 
be loth to do. 

I remember nevertheless to have read, that 
Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one day amongst 
the many spoils and booties, which by his 
victories he had acquired, presenting to the 
Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a 
Bactrian camel all black, and a party-col- 
oured slave, in such sort, as that the one half 
of his body was black, and the other white, 
not in partition of breadth by the diaphragm, 
as was that woman consecrated to the Indian 
Venus, whom the Tyanean philosopher did 
see between the River Hydaspes and Mount 
Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of 
altitude; which were things never before that 
seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of 
these novelties to win the love of the people. 
But what happened thereupon? At the pro- 
duction of the camel they were all affrighted, 
and offended at the sight of the party-col- 
oured man, some scoffed at him as a detest- 
able monster brought forth by the error of na- 
ture, in a word, of the hope which he had to 
please these Egyptians, and by such means 
to increase the affection which they naturally 
bore him, he was altogether frustrated and 
disappointed; understanding fully by their 
deportments, that they took more pleasure 
and delight in things that were proper, hand- 
some, and perfect, than in misshapen, mon- 
strous, and ridiculous creatures. Since which 
time he had both the slave and the camel 
in such dislike, that very shortly thereafter, 
either through negligence, or for want of 
ordinary sustenance, they both tipt over 
the perch. 

This example putteth me in a suspense be- 
tween hope and fear, misdoubting that, for 



the contentment which I aim at, I will but 
reap what shall be most distasteful to me: my 
cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall 
have but some deformed puppy; instead of 
serving them, I shall but vex them, arid offend 
them whom I propose to exhilarate; resem- 
bling, in this dubious adventure, Euclion's 
cock, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and 
by Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers 
others; which cock, for having by his scraping 
discovered a treasure, had his hide well cur- 
ried. Put the case I get no anger by it, though 
formerly such things fell out, and the like may 
occur again. Yet by Hercules, it will not. So 
I perceive in them all, one and the same spe- 
cifical form, and the like individual proprie- 
ties, which our ancestors called Pantagruel- 
ism; by virtue whereof they will bear with 
any thing that floweth from a good, free, and 
loyal heart. I have seen them ordinarily take 
good will in part of payment, and remain sat- 
isfied therewith, when one was not able to do 
better. Having dispatched this point, I return 
to my barrel. 

Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! 
Drink boys, and trowl it off at full bowls! If 
you do not think it good, let it alone. I am 
not like those officious and importunate sots, 
who by force, outrage, and violence, con- 
strain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, 
quaff, carouse, and what is worse. All honest 
tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are 
a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, 
need not drink thereof, if it please them not; 
but if they have a mind to it, and that the 
wine prove agreeable to the tastes of their 
worshipful worships, let them drink, frankly, 
freely, and boldly, without paying any thing, 
and welcome. This is my decree, my statute, 
and ordinance. And let none fear there shall 
be any want of wine, as at the marriage of 
Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you 
shall draw forth at the faucet, so much shall 
I tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel re- 
main inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring 
and perpetual current. Such was the bever- 
age contained within the cup of Tantalus, 
which was figuratively represented amongst 
the Brachman sages. Such was in Iberia the 
mountain of salt, so highly written of by Ca- 
to. Such was the branch of gold consecrated 
to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil 
treats of so sublimely. It is a true cornucopia 
of merriment and raillery. If at any time it 
seem to you to be emptied to the very lees, 
yet shall it not for all that be drawn wholly 



PANTAGRUEL 



131 



dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, 
as in Pandora's box; and not despair, as in the 
leaky tubs of the Danaids. Remark well what 
I have said, and what manner of people they 
be whom I do invite; for, to the end that none 
be deceived, I , in imitation of Lucilius, who 
did protest that he wrote only to his own Tar- 
entines and Gonsentincs, have not pierced 
this vessel for any else, but you, honest men, 
who are drinkers of the first edition, and 
gouty blades of the highest degree. The great 
dorophages, bribemongers, have on their 
hands occupation enough, and enough on the 
hooks for their venison. There may they fol- 
low their prey; here is no garbage for them. 
You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of 
chicanery, speak not to me, I beseech you, in 
the name of, and for the reverence you bear 
to, the four hips that engendered you, and to 
the quickening peg, which at that time con- 
joined them. As for hypocrites, much less; al- 
though they were all of them unsound in 
body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with un- 
quenchable thirst, and insatiable eating. And 



wherefore? Because, indeed, they are not of 
good but of evil, and of that evil from which 
we daily pray to God to deliver us. And al- 
beit we see them sometimes counterfeit devo- 
tion, yet never did old ape make pretty mop- 
pet. Hence, mastiffs, clogs in a doublet, get 
you behind, aloof, villains, out of my sun- 
shine; curs, to the devil! Do you jog hither, 
wagging your tails, to pant at my wine, and 
bepiss rny barrel? Look, here is the cudgel 
which Diogenes, in his last will ordained to 
be set by him after his death, for beating 
away, crushing the reins, and breaking the 
backs of these bustuary hobgoblins, and Ccr- 
berian hell-hounds. Pack you hence, there- 
fore, you hypocrites, to your sheep, dogs; get 
you gone, you dissemblers, to the devil! Hay! 
What! are you there yet? I renounce my part 
of Papimanic, if I snap you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrr. 
Avant, Avant! Will you not be gone? May 
you never shit till you be soundly lashed with 
stirrup leather, never piss but by the strappa- 
do, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bas- 
tinado. 



CHAPTER 1 

How Pantagruel transported a Colony of Uto- 
pians into Dipsody 

PANTAGHUEL having wholly subdued the land 
of Dipsody, transported thereunto a colony 
of Utopians to the number of 9,876,543,210, 
men besides the women and little children, 
artificers of all trades, and professors of all 
sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve 
that country, which otherwise was ill inhab- 
ited, and in the greatest part thereof but a 
mere desert and wilderness; and he did trans- 
port them not so much for the excessive mul- 
titude of men and women, which were in 
Utopia multiplied, for number, like grasshop- 
pers upon the face of the land. You under- 
stand well enough, nor is it needful, further, 
to explain it to you, that the Utopian men had 
so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the 
Utopian women carried matrixes so ample, so 
gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so 
architectonically cellulated, that at the end 
of every ninth month seven children at the 
least, what male what female, were brought 
forth by every married woman, in imitation 
of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony 



de Lyra be to be trusted. Nor yet was this 
transplantation made so much for the fertility 
of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or 
commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to 
retain that rebellious people within the 
bounds of their duty and obedience, by this 
new transport of his ancient and most faith- 
ful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, 
never knew, acknowledged, owned, or served 
any other sovereign lord but him; and who 
likewise, from the very instant of their birth, 
as soon as they were entered into this world, 
had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses, 
sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mild- 
ness of his government, to which they were 
all of them so nourished and habituated, that 
there was nothing surer, than that they would 
sooner abandon their lives than swerve from 
this singular and primitive obedience natur- 
ally due to their prince, whithersoever they 
should be dispersed or removed. 

And not only should they, and their chil- 
dren successively descending from their blood, 
be such, but also would keep and maintain in 
this same fealty, and obsequious observance, 
all the nations lately annexed to his empire; 
which so truly came to pass, that therein he 



132 



RABELAIS 



was not disappointed of his intent. For if the 
Utopians were, before their transplantation 
thither, dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dip- 
sodes, after some few days conversing with 
them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal 
than they; and that by virtue of I know not 
what natural fervency incident to all human 
creatures at the beginning of any labour 
wherein they take delight: solemnly attesting 
the heavens, and supreme intelligences, of 
their being only sorry, that no sooner unto 
their knowledge had arrived the great renown 
of the good Pantagruel. 

Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, 
that the manner of preserving and retaining 
countries newly conquered in obedience, is 
not, as hath been the erroneous opinion of 
some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment 
and dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, 
spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, disquiet, ruin, 
and destroy the people, ruling, governing, 
and keeping them in awe with rods of iron; 
and, in a word, eating and devouring them, 
after the fashion that Homer calls an unjust 
and wicked king, Aryjuo fiopov^ that is to say, 
a devourer of his people. 

I will not bring you to this purpose the tes- 
timony of ancient writers. It shall suffice to 
put you in mind of what your fathers have 
seen thereof, and yourselves too, if you be not 
very babes. New-born, they must be given 
suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. 
Trees newly planted must be supported, un- 
der-propped, strengthened, and defended 
against all tempests, mischiefs, injuries, and 
calamities. And one lately saved from a long 
and dangerous sickness, and new upon his re- 
covery, must be forborn, spared, and cher- 
ished, in such sort that they may harbour in 
their own breasts this opinion, that there is 
not in the world a king or prince, who does 
not desire fewer enemies, and more friends. 
Thus Osiris, the great king of the Egyptians, 
conquered almost the whole earth, not so 
much by force of arms, as by easing the peo- 
ple of their troubles, teaching them how to 
live well, and honestly giving them good 
laws, and using them with all possible affa- 
bility, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. 
Therefore was he by all men deservedly en- 
titled, The Great King Euergetes, that is to 
say, Benefactor, which style he obtained by 
virtue of the command of Jupiter to one Pa- 
myla. 

And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, 
placed the good demons, (call them angels if 



you will, or Genii,) as intercessors, and medi- 
ators betwixt the gods and men, they being of 
a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to 
men. And for that through their hands the 
riches and benefits we get from heaven are 
dealt to us, and that they are continually do- 
ing us good, and still protecting us from evil, 
he saith, that they exercise the offices of 
kings; because to do always good, and never 
ill, is an act most singularly royal. 

Just such another was the emperor of the 
universe, Alexander the Macedonian. After 
this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor 
of the whole continent, relieving men from 
monstrous oppressions, exactions, and tyran- 
nies; governing them with discretion, main- 
taining them in equity and justice, instructing 
them with seasonable policies and wholesome 
laws, convenient for and suitable to the soil, 
climate, and disposition of the country, sup- 
plying what was wanting, abating what was 
superfluous, and pardoning all that was past, 
with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all pre- 
ceding offences; as was the amnesty of the 
Athenians, when by the prowess, valour, and 
industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were ex- 
terminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero set 
forth, and renewed under the emperor Aure- 
lian. These are the philtres, allurements, iyn- 
ges, inveiglements, baits, and enticements of 
love, by the means whereof that may be 
peaceably retained, which was painfully ac- 
quired. Nor can a conqueror reign more hap- 
pily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, 
king, prince, or philosopher, than by making 
his justice to second his valour. His valour 
shows itself in victory and conquest; his jus- 
tice will appear in the good will and affection 
of the people, when he maketh laws, publish- 
eth ordinances, establisheth religion, and 
doth what is right to every one, as the noble 
poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus. 

Victor que volentes 

Per populos dat jura. 3 

Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads 
calleth a good prince and great king Koc7/ii7- 
Topa Aaah>, that is, The ornament of the peo- 
ple. 

Such was the consideration of Numa Pom- 
pilius, the second king of the Romans, a just 
politician and wise philosopher, when he or- 
dained that to the god Terminus, on the day 
of his festival called Terminales, nothing 
should be sacrificed that had died; teaching 



PANTAGRUEL 



133 



us thereby, that the bounds, limits, and fron- 
tiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and pre- 
served in peace, amity, and meekness, with- 
out polluting our hands with blood and rob- 
bery. Who doth otherwise, shall not only lose 
what he hath gained, but also be loaded with 
this scandal and reproach, that he is an un- 
just and wicked purchaser, and his acquests 
perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male 
dilabuntur.* And although during his whole 
lifetime he should have peaceable possession 
thereof, yet, if what hath been so acquired 
moulder away in the hands of his heirs, the 
same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will 
be charged upon the defunct, and his mem- 
ory remain accursed for his unjust and un- 
warrantable conquest; Juxta illud, de male 
quccsitls vix guadet tcrtius h&rcs.* 

Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty 
feoffees, in this main point worthy of your ob- 
servation, how by these means Pantagruel of 
one angel made two, which was a contingen- 
cy opposite to the council of Charlemaine, 
who made two devils of one, when he trans- 
planted the Saxons into Flanders, and the 
Flemings into Saxony. For, not being able to 
keep in such subjection the Saxons, whose 
dominion he had joined to the empire, but 
that ever and anon they would break forth 
into open rebellion, if he should casually be 
drawn into Spain, or other remote kingdoms, 
he caused them to be brought unto his own 
country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof 
did naturally obey him, and transported the 
Ilainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving 
subjects, into Saxony, not mistrusting their 
loyalty, now that they were transplanted into 
a strange land. But it happened that the Sax- 
ons persisted in their rebellion and primitive 
obstinacy; and the Flemings dwelling in Sax- 
ony did imbibe the stubborn manners and 
conditions of the Saxons. 

CHAPTER 2 

How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygon- 
din in Dipsodie, and did waste his Revenue 
before it came in 

WHILST Pantagruel was giving order for the 
government of all Dipsodie, he assigned to 
Panurge the Lairdship of Salmygondin, 
which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 rials 
of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue 
of the locusts and periwinkles, amounting, 
one year with another, to the value of 2,435,- 
768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. 



Sometimes it did amount to 1,234,554,321 
seraphs when it was a good year, and that lo- 
custs and periwinkles were in request; but 
that was not every year. 

Now his worship, the new laird, husband- 
ed this his estate so providently well and 
prudently, that in less 1 than fourteen days he 
wasted and dilapidated all the certain and 
uncertain revenue of his lairdship for three 
whole years. Yet did not he properly dilapi- 
date it, as you might say, in founding of mon- 
asteries, building of churches, erecting of col- 
leges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting 
his bacon flitches to the dogs; but spent it in 
a thousand little banquets and jolly colla- 
tions, keeping open house for all comers and 
goers; yea, to all good fellows, young girls, 
and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning 
the great logs for the sale of the ashes, bor- 
rowing money before hand, buying dear, sell- 
ing cheap, and eating his corn, as it were, 
whilst it was but grass. 

Pantagruel, being advertised of this his 
lavishness, was in good sooth no way offend- 
ed at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once 
told you, and again tell it you, that he was 
the best, little, great goodman that ever gird- 
ed a sword to his side. He took all things in 
good part, and interpreted every action to 
the best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted 
himself with the least pretence of dislike to 
any thing, because he knew that he must have 
most grossly abandoned the divine mansion 
of reason, if he had permitted his mind to be 
never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at 
any occasion whatsoever. For all the goods 
that the heaven covereth, and that the earth 
containeth, in all their dimensions of height, 
depth, breath, and length, are not of so much 
worth, as that we should for them disturb or 
disorder our affections, trouble or perplex 
our senses or spirits. 

He only drew Panurge aside, and then, 
making to him a sweet remonstrance and mild 
admonition, very gently represented before 
him in strong arguments, That, if he should 
continue in siich an unthrifty course of living, 
and not become a better mesnagier, it would 
prove altogether impossible for him, or at 
least hugely difficult at any time to make him 
rich. Rich! answered Panurge, Have you 
fixed your thoughts there? Have you under- 
taken the task to enrich me in this world? Set 
your mind to live merrily in the name of God 
and good folks, let no other cark nor care be 
harboured within the sacro-sanctified domi- 



134 



RABELAIS 



cile of your celestial brain. May the calmness 
and tranquillity thereof be never incommod- 
ed with, or overshadowed by any frowning 
clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing 
annoyance. For if you live joyful, merry, jo- 
cund, and glad, I cannot be but rich enough. 
Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good 
husbandry. But many speak of Robin Hood 
that never shot in his bow, and talk of that 
virtue of mesnagery, who know not what be- 
longs to it. It is by me that they must be ad- 
vised. From me, therefore, take this adver- 
tisement and information, that what is im- 
puted to me for a vice hath been done in imi- 
tation of the university and parliament of 
Paris, places in which is to be found the true 
spring and source of the lively idea of Pan- 
theology, and all manner of justice. Let him 
be counted an heretic that cloubteth thereof, 
and doth not firmly believe it. Yet they in one 
day eat up their bishop, or the revenue of the 
bishopric is it not all one? for a whole year; 
yea, sometimes for two. This is done on the 
day he makes his entry, and is installed. Nor 
is there any place for an excuse; for he can- 
not avoid it, unless he would be hooted at and 
stoned for his parsimony. 

It hath been also esteemed an act flowing 
from the habit of the four cardinal virtues. Of 
prudence in borrowing money before hand; 
for none knows what may fall out. Who is 
able to tell if the world shall last yet three 
years? But although it should continue long- 
er, is there any man so foolish, as to have the 
confidence to promise himself three years? 

What fool so confident to say, 
That he shall live one other clay? 

Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I 
say upon trust, and selling goods cheap, that 
is, for ready money. What says Cato in his 
Book of Husbandry to this purpose? The fa- 
ther of a family, says he, must be a perpetual 
seller; by which means it is impossible but 
ther of a family, says he, must be a perpetual 
vendible ware enough still ready for sale. 

Of distributive justice it doth partake, in 
giving entertainment to good, remark, 
good, and gentle fellows, whom fortune had 
shipwrecked, like Ulysses, upon the rock of a 
hungry stomach with provision of suste- 
nance: and likewise to good and young re- 
mark, good and young wenches. For, ac- 
cording to the sentence of Hippocrates, 
Youth is impatient of hunger, chiefly if it be 



vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and 
bouncing. Which wanton lasses willingly and 
heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of 
honest men; and are in so far both Platonic 
and Ciceronian, that they do acknowledge 
their being born into this world not to be for 
themselves alone, but that in their proper per- 
sons their country may claim one share and 
their friends another. 

The virtue of fortitude appears therein, by 
the cutting clown and overthrowing of the 
great trees, like a second Milo making havoc 
of the dark forest, which did serve only to 
furnish dens, caves, and shelter to wolves, 
wild boars and foxes, and afford receptacles, 
withdrawing corners, and refuges to robbers, 
thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and 
skulking places for cut-throat assassinators, 
secret obscure shops for coiners of false mon- 
ey, and safe retreats for heretics; laying 
woods even and level with the plain cham- 
pagne fields and pleasant heathy ground, at 
the sound of the hautboys and bag-pipes 
playing reeks with the high and stately tim- 
ber, and preparing seats and benches for the 
eve of the dreadful day of judgment. 

I gave thereby proof of my temperance in 
eating my corn whilst it was but grass, like an 
hermit feeding upon sallets and roots, that, so 
affranchising myself from the yoke of sensual 
appetites to the utter disclaiming of their sov- 
ereignty, I might the better reserve some- 
what in store, for the relief of the lame, blind, 
cripple, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting 
wretches. 

In taking this course I save the expense of 
the weed-grubbers, who gain money, of the 
reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, 
and without water, of gleaners, who will ex- 
pect their cakes and bannocks, of threshers, 
who leave no garlic, seal lions, leeks, nor on- 
ions in our gardens, by the authority of Thes- 
tilis in Virgil, and of the millers, who are 
generally thieves and of the bakers, who are 
little better. Is this small saving or frugality? 
Besides the mischief and damage of the field- 
mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction 
usually made by weasels and other vermin. 

Of corn in the blade you may make good 
green sauce, of a light concoction and easy 
digestion, which recreates the brain, and ex- 
hilarates the animal spirits, rejoiceth the 
sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the 
taste, comforteth the heart, tickleth the 
tongue, cheereth the countenance, striking a 
fresh and lively colour, strengthening the 



PANTAGRUEL 



135 



muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens the 
midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the 
spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the 
reins, quickens the joints of the back, cleans- 
eth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic 
vessels, shortens the cremasters, purgeth the 
bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correct- 
eth the prepuce, hardens the nut and rectifies 
the member. It will make you have a current 
belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, 
spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, 
snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, with a 
thousand other rare advantages. I understand 
you very well, says Pantagruel; you would 
thereby infer, that those of a mean spirit and 
shallow capacity have not the skill to spend 
much in a short time. You are not the first in 
whose conceit that heresy hath entered. Nero 
maintained it, and above all mortals admired 
most his uncle Caius Caligula, for having, in 
a few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant 
invention, totally spent all the goods and pat- 
rimony which Tiberius had left him. 

But, instead of observing the sumptuous 
supper-curbing laws of the Romans, to wit, 
the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licin- 
ia, the Cornelia, the Lepidiana, the Antia, 
and of the Corinthians, by the which they 
were inhibited, under pain of great punish- 
ment, not to spend more in one year than 
their annual revenue did amount to, you have 
offered up the oblation of Protervia, which 
was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the 
paschal lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein 
all that was eatable was to be eaten, and the 
remainder to be thrown into the fire, without 
reserving any thing for the next day. I may 
very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidi- 
us, who after that he had by a most extrava- 
gant expense wasted all the means and pos- 
sessions he had to one only house, he fairly 
set it on fire, that he might the better say, 
Consummatum est. 6 Even just as since his 
time St. Thomas Aquinas did, when he had 
eaten up the whole lamprey, although there 
was no necessity in it. 

CHAPTER 3 

How Panurge praiseth the Debtors and Bor- 
rowers 

BUT, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out 
of debt? At the next ensuing term of the 
Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all 
the world shall be content, and that it be your 
fate to become your own heir. The Lord for- 



bid that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, 
I could not be trusted. Who leaves not some 
leaven over night, will hardly have paste the 
next morning. 

Be still indebted to somebody or other, 
that there may be somebody always to pray 
for you ; that the giver of all good things may 
grant unto you a blessed, long, and prosper- 
ous life; fearing, if fortune should deal cross- 
ly with you, that it might be his chance to 
come short of being paid by you, he will 
always speak good of you in every com- 
pany, ever and anon purchase new credi- 
tors unto you; to the end, that through their 
means you may make a shift by borrow- 
ing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other 
folk's earth fill up his ditch. When of old in 
the regions of the Gauls, by the institution of 
the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bonds- 
men were burned quick at the funerals and 
obsequies of their lords and masters, had not 
they fear enough, think you, that their lords 
and masters should die? For, perforce, they 
were to die with them for company. Did not 
they incessantly send up their supplications 
to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto 
Dis the Father of Wealth, to lengthen out 
their days, and preserve them long in health? 
Were not they very careful to entertain them 
well, punctually to look unto them, and to at- 
tend them faithfully and circumspectly? For, 
by those means, were they to live together at 
least unto the hour of death. Believe me, your 
creditors, with a more fervent devotion, will 
beseech Almighty God to prolong your life, 
they being of nothing more afraid than that 
you should die; for that they are more con- 
cerned for the sleeve than the arm, and love 
silver better than their own lives. As it evi- 
dently appcareth by the usurers of Lander- 
ousse, who not long since hanged themselves, 
because the price of corn and wines was fall- 
en, by the return of a gracious season. To 
this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge 
went on his discourse, saying, truly, and in 
good sooth, Sir, when I ponder my destiny 
aright, and think well upon it, you put me 
shrewdly to my plunges, and have me at a 
bay in twitting me with the reproach of my 
def}ts and creditors. And, yet did I, in this 
only respect and consideration of being a 
debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, 
and formidable. For against the opinion of 
most philosophers, that, of nothing ariseth 
nothing, yet, without having bottomed on so 
much as that which is called the First Matter, 



136 



RABELAIS 



did I out of nothing become such a maker 
and creator that I have created, what? a 
gay number of fair and jolly creditors. Nay, 
creditors, I will maintain it, even to the very 
fire itself exclusively, are fair and goodly 
creatures. Who lendeth nothing is an ugly 
and wicked creature, and an accursed imp of 
the infernal Old Nick. And there is made 
what? Debts. A thing most precious and dain- 
ty, of great use and antiquity. Debts, I say, 
surmounting the number of syllables which 
may result from the combinations of all the 
consonants, with each of the vowels hereto- 
fore projected, reckoned and calculated by 
the noble Xenocrates. To judge of the perfec- 
tion of debtors by the numerosity of their 
creditors is the readiest way for entering into 
the mysteries of practical arithmetic. 

You can hardly imagine how glad I am, 
when every morning I perceive myself envi- 
roned and surrounded with brigades of credi- 
tors, humble, fawning, and full of their rever- 
ences. And whilst I remark, that as I look 
more favourably upon, and give a chcerfuller 
countenance to one than to another, the fel- 
low thereupon buildeth a conceit that he 
shall be the first dispatched, and the foremost 
in the date of payment; and he valueth my 
smiles at the rate of ready money. It seemeth 
unto me, that I then act and personate the 
god of the Passion of Saumure, accompanied 
with his angels and cherubims. 

These are my flatterers, my soothers, my 
claw-backs, my smoothers, my parasites, my 
saluters, my givers of good morrows and per- 
petual orators; which makes me verily think, 
that the supremest height of heroic virtue, 
described by Hesiod, consisteth in being a 
debtor, wherein I held the first degree in my 
commencement. Which dignity, though all 
human creatures seem to aim at, and aspire 
thereto, few, nevertheless, because of the dif- 
ficulties in the way, and incumbrances of hard 
passages, are able to reach it; as is easily per- 
ceivable by the ardent desire and vehement 
longing harboured in the breast of every one, 
to be still creating more debts, and new cred- 
itors. 

Yet doth it not lie in the power of every one 
to be a debtor. To acquire creditors is not at 
the disposure of each man's arbitrament. You 
nevertheless would deprive me of this sub- 
lime felicity. You ask me, when I will be out 
of debt. Well, to go yet further on, and pos- 
sibly worse in your conceit, may Saint Bablin, 
the good saint, snatch me, if I have not all my 



life-time held debt to be as an union or con- 
junction of the heavens with the earth, and 
the whole cement whereby the race of man- 
kind is kept together; yea, of such virtue and 
efficacy, that, I say, the whole progeny of 
Adam would very suddenly perish without it. 
Therefore, perhaps, I do not think amiss, 
when I repute it to be the great soul of the 
universe, which, according to the opinion of 
the Academics, vivifyeth all manner of 
things. In confirmation whereof, that you 
may the better believe it to be so, represent 
unto yourself, without any prejudice of spirit, 
in a clear and serene fancy, the idea and form 
of some other world than this; take, if you 
please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those 
which the philosopher Metrodorus did enu- 
merate, wherein it is to be supposed there is 
no debtor or creditor, that is to say, a world 
without debts. 

There amongst the planets will be no regu- 
lar course, all will be in disorder. Jupiter, 
reckoning himself to be nothing indebted 
unto Saturn, will go near to detrude him out 
of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain 
will be like to hang up the Intelligencies, 
Gods, Heavens, Demons, Heroes, Devils, 
fiarth, and Sea, together with the other ele- 
ments. Saturn no doubt combining with Mars 
will reduce that so disturbed world into a 
chaos of confusion. 

Mercury then would be no more subjected 
to the other planets; he would scorn to be any 
longer their Camillus, as he was of old 
termed in the Hetrurian tongue. For it is to 
be imagined that he is no way a debtor to 
them. 

Venus will be no more venerable, because 
she shall have lent nothing. The moon will re- 
main bloody and obscure. For to what end 
should the sun impart unto her any of his 
light? He owed her nothing. Nor yet will the 
sun shine upon the earth, nor the stars send 
down any good influence, because the terres- 
trial globe hath desisted from sending up their 
wanted nourishment by vapours and exhala- 
tion, wherewith Heraclitus said, the Stoics 
proved, Cicero maintained, they were cher- 
ished and alimented. There would likewise 
be in such a world no manner of symboliza- 
tion, alteration, nor transmutation amongst 
the elements; for the one will not esteem it- 
self obliged to the other, as having borrowed 
nothing at all from it. Earth then will not be- 
come water, water will not be changed into 
air, of air will be made no fire, and fire will 



PANTAGRUEL 



137 



afford no heat unto the earth; the earth will 
produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; 
no rain will descend upon it, nor light shine 
thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will 
there be in it any summer or harvest. Lucifer 
will break loose, and issuing forth of the 
depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, 
fiends, and horned devils, will go about to un- 
nestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as 
well of the greater as of the lesser nations. 
Such a world without lending will be no bet- 
ter than a clog-kennel, a place of contention 
and wrangling, more unruly and irregular 
than that of the rector of Paris; a devil of an 
hurly-burly, and more disordered confusion, 
than that of the plagues of Doiiay. Men will 
not then salute one another; it will be but lost 
labour to expect aid or succour from any, or 
to cry fire, water, murder, for none will put 
to their helping hand. Why? He lent no mon- 
ey, there is nothing due to him. Nobody is 
concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in 
his ruin, or in his death; and that because he 
hitherto had lent nothing, and would never 
thereafter have lent any thing. In short, 
Faith, Hope, and Charity would be quite 
banished from such a world, for men are 
born to relieve and assist one another; and in 
their stead should succeed and be introduced 
Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the 
most execrable troop of all evils, all impreca- 
tions, and all miseries. Whereupon you will 
think, and that not amiss, that Pandora had 
there spilt her unlucky bottle. Men unto men 
will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins, (as 
were Lycaon, Bellerophon, Nebuchodnosor,) 
plunderers, highway robbers, cut-throats, 
rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, 
lewd, wicked, malevolent, pernicious haters, 
set against every body, like to Ismael, Meta- 
bus, or Timon the Athenian, who for that 
cause was named Misanthropos; in such sort, 
that it would prove much more easy in nature 
to have fish entertained in the air, and bul- 
locks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to 
support or tolerate a rascally rabble of people 
that will not lend. These fellows, I vow, do I 
hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to 
the pattern of this grievous, peevish, and per- 
verse world which lendeth nothing, you fig- 
ure and liken the little world, which is man, 
you will find in him a terrible justling coyle 
and clutter. The head will not lend the sight 
of his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the 
legs will refuse to bear up the body; the 
hands will leave off working any more for the 



rest of the members; the heart will be weary 
of its continual motion for the beating of the 
pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; 
the lungs will withdraw the use of their bel- 
lows; the liver will desist from convoying any 
more blood through the veins for the good of 
the whole; the bladder will not be indebted 
to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will 
be totally stopped. The brains, in the interim, 
considering this unnatural course, will fall 
into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling 
from the sinews, and motion from the mus- 
cles. Briefly, in such a world without order 
and array, owing nothing, lending nothing, 
and borrowing nothing, you would see a more 
dangerous conspiration than that which /E- 
sop exposed in his Apologue. Such a world 
will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, 
but perish very quickly. Were it ^sculapius 
himself, his body would immediately rot, and 
the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its 
flight to all the devils in hell after my money. 

CHAPTER 4 

Panurge continues his Discourse in the praise 
of Borrowers and Lenders 

ON the contrary, be pleased to represent unto 
your fancy another world, wherein every one 
lendeth, and every one oweth, all are debtors, 
and all creditors. O how great will that har- 
mony be, which shall thereby result from the 
regular motions of the heavens! Methinks I 
hear it every whit as well as ever Plato did. 
What sympathy will there be amongst the 
elements! O how delectable thon unto na- 
ture will be her own works and productions! 
Whilst Ceres appeareth loaden with corn, 
Bacchus with wines, Flora with flowers, Po- 
mona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, 
wholesome and pleasant. I lose myself in this 
high contemplation. 

Then will among the race of mankind 
peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, tranquilli- 
ty, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, 
gold, silver, small money, chains, rings, with 
other ware, and chaffer of that nature, be 
found to trot from hand to hand. No suits at 
law, no wars, no strife, debate, nor wran- 
gling; none will be there an usurer, none 
will be there a pinch-penny, a scrape-good 
wretch, or churlish hard-heated refuser. Good 
God! Will not this be the golden age in the 
reign of Saturn? the true idea of the Olym- 
pic regions, wherein all other virtues ceasing, 
charity alone ruleth, governeth, domineereth, 



138 



RABELAIS 



and triumpheth! All will be fair and goodly 
people there, all just and virtuous. 

O happy world! O people of that world 
most happy! Yea, thrice and four times 
blessed is that people! I think in very deed 
that I am amongst them, and swear to you, by 
my good forsooth, that if this glorious afore- 
said world had a Pope, abounding with Car- 
dinals, that so he might have the association 
of a sacred college, in the space of very few 
years you should be sure to see the sancts 
much thicker in the roll, more numerous, 
wonder-working and mirific, more services, 
more vows, more staves, and wax-candles 
than are all those in the nine bishoprics of 
Britany, St. Yves only excepted. Consider, 
sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having 
a mind to deify, and extol even to the third 
heavens the father of William Josseaume, 
said no more but this, And he did lend his 
goods to those who were desirous of them. 

O the fine saying! Now let our microcosm 
be fancied conform to this model in all its 
members; lending, borrowing, and owing, 
that is to say, according to its own nature. For 
nature hath not to any other end created man, 
but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is 
the harmony amongst the heavenly spheres, 
than that which shall be found in its well or- 
dered policy. The intention of the founder of 
this microcosm is, to have a soul therein to be 
entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest 
with its host, that it may live there for awhile. 
Life consisteth in blood; blood is the seat of 
the soul; therefore the chief est work of the 
microcosm is, to be making blood continually. 

At this forge are exercised all the members 
of the body; none is exempted from labour, 
each operates apart, and cloth its proper of- 
fice. And such is their hierarchy, that perpet- 
ually the one borrows from the other, the one 
lends the other, and the one is the other's 
debtor. The stuff and matter convenient, 
which nature giveth to be turned into blood, 
is bread and wine. All kind of nourishing vic- 
tuals is understood to be comprehended in 
those two, and from hence in the Gothish 
tongue is called companage. To find out this 
meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the 
hands are put to work, the feet do walk and 
bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; 
the eyes guide and conduct all; the appetite 
in the orifice of the stomach, by means of a 
little sourish black humour, called melan- 
choly, which is transmitted thereto from the 
milt, giveth warning to shut in the food. The 



tongue doth make the first essay, and tastes 
it; the teeth to chaw it, and the stomach doth 
receive, digest, and chilify it. The mesaraic 
veins suck out of it what is good and fit, leav- 
ing behind the excrements, which are, 
through special conduits, for that purpose, 
voided by an expulsive faculty. Thereafter it 
is carried to the liver, where it being changed 
again, it by the virtue of that new transmuta- 
tion becomes blood. What joy, conjecture 
you, will then be found amongst those officers, 
when they see this rivulet of gold, which is 
their sole restorative? No greater is the joy of 
alchymists, when, after long travail, toil, and 
expense, they see in their furnaces the trans- 
mutation. Then is it that every member doth 
prepare itself, and strive anew to purify and 
to refine this treasure. The kidneys, through 
the emulgent veins, draw that aquosity from 
thence, which you call urine, and there send 
it away through the ureters to be slipped 
downwards; where, in a lower receptacle and 
proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is kept, 
and stayeth there until an opportunity to 
void it out in his due time. The spleen draw- 
eth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz. the 
grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the 
bottom thereof, which you term melancholy. 
The bottle of the gall subtracts from thence 
all the superfluous choler; whence it is 
brought to another shop or work-house to be 
yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, 
which by its agitation of diastolic and systolic 
motions so neatly subtiliseth and inflames it, 
that in the right side ventricle it is brought to 
perfection, and through the veins is sent to all 
the members. Each parcel of the body draws 
it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is 
cherished and alimented by it. Feet, hands, 
thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breasts, yea, 
all; and then it is, that who before were lend- 
ers, now become debtors. The heart doth in 
its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, 
that it thereby obtains the name of spiritual; 
which being sent through the arteries to all 
the members of the body, serveth to warm 
and winnow the other blood which runneth 
through the veins. The lights never cease 
with its lappets and bellows to cool and re- 
fresh it; in acknowledgment of which good 
the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts 
unto it the choicest of its blood. At last it is 
made so fine and subtle within the rete mira- 
bile, that thereafter those animal spirits are 
framed and composed of it; by means where- 
of the imagination, discourse, judgment, reso- 



PANTAGRUEL 



139 



lution, deliberation, ratiocination, and mem- 
ory have their rise, actings, and operation. 

Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wan* 
der astray, and quite fly out of my self, when 
I enter into the consideration of the profound 
abyss of this world, thus lending, thus owing, 
Believe me, it is a divine thing to lend; to 
owe, an heroic virtue. Yet is not this all. This 
little world thus lending, owing, and borrow- 
ing, is so good and charitable, that no sooner 
is the above-specified alimentation finished, 
but that it forthwith projecteth, and hath al- 
ready forecast, how it shall lend to those who 
are not as yet born, and by that loan endeav- 
our, what it may, to eternize itself, and mul- 
tiply in images like the pattern, that is chil- 
dren. To this end every member dofli of the 
choicest and mast precious of its nourish- 
ment, pare and cut off a portion, then instant- 
ly dispatcheth it downwards to that place, 
where nature hath prepared for it very fit ves- 
sels and receptacles, through which descend- 
ing to the genitories by long ambages, cir- 
cuits, and flexuosities, it receiveth a compe- 
tent form, and rooms apt enough both in the 
man and woman for the future conservation 
and perpetuating of human kind. All this is 
done by loans and debts of the one unto the 
other; and hence have we this word, the debt 
of marriage. Nature doth reckon pain to the 
refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his 
members, and an outrageous fury amidst his 
senses. But on the other part, to the lender a 
set reward accompanied with pleasure, joy, 
solace, mirth, and merry glee. 

CHAPTER 5 

How Pantagrucl altogether abhorreth the 

Debtors and Borrowers 
I UNDERSTAND you very well, quoth Pantag- 
ruel, and take you to be very good at topics, 
and thoroughly affectioned to your own 
cause. But preach it up, and patrocinate it, 
prattle on it, and defend it as much as you 
will, even from hence to the next Whitsun- 
tide, if you please so to do, yet in the end will 
you be astonished to find how you shall have 
gained no ground at all upon me, nor per- 
suaded me by your fair speeches and smooth 
talk to enter never so little into the thraldom 
of debt. You shall owe to none, said the Holy 
Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a 
mutual benevolence. 

You serve me here, I confess, with fine 
Graphides and Diatijposes, descriptions and 
figures, which truly please me very well. But 



let me tell you, if you will represent unto your 
fancy an impudent blustering bully, and an 
importunate borrower, entering afresh and 
newly into a town already advertised of his 
manners, you shall find that at his ingress the 
citizens will be more hideously affrighted and 
amazed, and in a greater terror and fear, 
dread and trembling, than if the pest itself 
should step into it, in the very same garb and 
accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philoso- 
pher found it within the city of Ephesus. And 
I am fully confirmed in the opinion, that the 
Persians erred not, when they said, that the 
second vice was to lie, the first being that of 
owing money. For, in very truth, debts and 
lying are ordinarily joined together. I will 
nevertheless not from hence infer, that none 
must owe any thing, or lend any thing. For 
who so rich can be, that sometimes may not 
owe? or who can be so poor, that sometimes 
may not lend? 

Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that 
case, as Plato very wisely sayeth, and ordain- 
eth in his Laws, be such, that none be per- 
mitted to draw any water out of his neigh- 
bour's well, until first they by continual dig- 
ging and delving into their own proper 
ground shall have hit upon a kind of potter's 
earth, which is called Ceramite, and there had 
found no source or drop of water; for that 
sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which 
is fat, strong, firm and close, so retaineth its 
humidity, that it doth not easily evaporate it 
by any outward excursion or evaporation. 

In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose 
rather to be still borrowing in all places from 
every one, than to work and win. Then only 
in my judgment should one lend, when the 
diligent, toiling, and industrious person is no 
longer able by his labour to make any pur- 
chase unto himself; or otherwise, when by 
mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an 
unexpected loss of his goods. 

Howsoever let us leave this discourse, and 
from henceforward do not hang upon credi- 
tors, nor tie yourself to them. I make account 
for the time past to rid you freely of them, 
and from their bondage to deliver you. The 
least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is 
to thank you, though it be the most I can do. 
And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be 
estimated and prized by the affection of the 
benefactor, that is to be done infinitely and 
sempiternally; for the love which you bear me 
of your own accord and free grace, without 
any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the, 



140 



RABELAIS 



reach of any price or value. It transcends all 
weight, all number, all measure; it is endless 
and everlasting therefore, should I offer to 
commensurate and adjust it, either to the size 
and proportion of your own noble and gra- 
cious deeds or yet to the contentment and de- 
light of the obliged receivers, I would come 
off but very faintly and flaggingly. You have 
verily done me a great deal of good, and mul- 
tiplied your favours on me more frequently 
than was fitting to one of my condition. You 
have been more bountiful towards me than I 
have deserved, and your courtesies have by 
far surpassed the extent of my merits; I must 
needs confess it. But it is not, as you suppose, 
in the proposed matter. For there it is not 
where I itch, it is not there where it fretteth, 
hurts or vexeth me; for, henceforth being quit 
and out of debt, what countenance will I be 
able to keep? You may imagine that it will be- 
come me very ill for the first month, because 
I have never hitherto been brought up or ac- 
customed to it. I am very much afraid of it. 
Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, 
native of the country of Salmigoridy, but he 
shall level the shot towards my nose. All the 
back-cracking fellows of the world, in dis- 
charging of their postern petarades, used 
commonly to say, Voila pour lex (juittes; that 
is, For the quit. My life will be of very short 
continuance, I do foresee it. I recommend to 
you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive 
I will die confected in the very stench of farts. 
If at any time to come, by way of restorative 
to such good women as shall happen to be 
troubled with the grievous pain of the wind- 
cholic, the ordinary medicaments prove noth- 
ing effectual, the mummy of all my befarted 
body will straight be as a present remedy ap- 
pointed by the physicians; whereof they, tak- 
ing any small modicum, it will incontinently 
for their case afford them a rattle of bum- 
shot, like a sal of muskets. 

Therefore would I beseech you to leave me 
some few centuries of debts; as King Louis 
the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the 
Reverend Miles d'llliers, Bishop of Chartres, 
was by the said bishop most earnestly solic- 
ited to leave him some few for the exercise of 
his mind. I had rather give them all my reve- 
nue of the periwinkes, together with the oth- 
er incomes of the locusts, albeit I should not 
thereby have any parcel abated from off the 
principal sums which I owe. Let us wave this 
matter, quoth Pantagruel, I have told it you 
over again, 



CHAPTER 6 



Why new married Men were privileged from 
going to the Wars 

BUT, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what 
law was it constituted, ordained, and estab- 
lished, that such as should plant a new vine- 
yard, those that should build a new house, 
and the new married men, should be ex- 
empted and discharged from the duty of war- 
fare for the first year? By the law, answered 
Pantagruel, of Moses. Why, replied Panurge, 
the lately married? As for the vine-planters, I 
am now too old to reflect on them; my condi- 
tion, at this present, induceth me to remain 
satisfied with the care of vintage, finishing, 
and turning the grapes into wine. Nor are 
these pretty new builders of dead stones writ- 
ten or pricked clown in my Book of Life. It is 
all with live stones that I set up and erect the 
fabrics of my architecture, to wit, Men. It 
was, according to my opinion, quoth Pantag- 
ruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married 
folks should for the first year reap a full and 
complete fruition of their pleasures in their 
mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, 
that in waiting more at leisure on the produc- 
tion of posterity, and propagating of their 
progeny, they might the better increase their 
race, and make provision of new heirs. That, 
if in the years thereafter, the men should, up- 
on their undergoing of some military adven- 
ture, happen to be killed, their names and 
coats of arms might continue with their chil- 
dren in the same families. And next, that, the 
wives thereby coming to know whether they 
were barren or fruitful, (for one year's trial, 
in regard to the maturity of age, wherein, of 
old, they married, was held sufficient for the 
discovery,) they might pitch the more suit- 
ably, in case of their first husband's decease, 
upon a second match. The fertile women to 
be wedded to those who desire to multiply 
their issue; and the sterile ones to such other 
mates, as, misregarding the storing of their 
own lineage, choose them only for their vir- 
tues, learning, genteel behaviour, domestic 
consolation, management of the house, and 
matrimonial conveniences and comfort, and 
such like. The preachers of Varennes, saith 
Panurge, detest and abhor the second marri- 
ages, as altogether foolish and dishonest. 

Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel. 
A plague take such preachers! Yea, but, 
quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befell 
the Friar Charmer, who in a full auditory 



PANTAGRUEL 



141 



making a sermon at Pareilly, and therein 
abominating the reiteration of marriage, and 
the entering again the bonds of a nuptial tie, 
did swear and heartily give himself to the 
swiftest devil in hell, if he had not rather 
choose, and would much more willingly un- 
dertake, the unmaidening or depucelating of 
a hundred virgins, than the simple drudgery 
of one widow. Truly I find your reason in that 
point right good, and strongly grounded. 

But what would you think, if the cause 
why this exemption or immunity was granted, 
had no other foundation, but that, during the 
whole space of the said first year, they so 
lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, 
as both reason and equity require they should 
do, that they had drained and evacuated 
their spermatic vessels; and were become 
thereby altogether feeble, weak, emasculat- 
ed, drooping and ftaggingly pithless; yea, in 
such sort, that they, in the day of battle, like 
ducks which plunge over head and ears, 
would sooner hide themselves behind the 
baggage, than, in the company of valiant 
fighters and daring military combatants, ap- 
pear where stern Bellona deals her blows, and 
moves a bustling noise of thwacks arid 
thumps? Nor is it to be thought that, under 
the standards of Mars, they will so much as 
soon strike a fair stroke, because their most 
considerable knocks have been already jerked 
and whirrited within the curtains of his sweet- 
heart Venus. 

In confirmation whereof, amongst other 
relics and monuments of antiquity, we now 
as yet often see, that in all great houses, after 
the expiring of some few days, these young 
married blades are readily sent away to visit 
their uncles, that in the absence of their 
wives, reposing themselves a little, they may 
recover their decayed strength by the recruit 
of a fresh supply, the more vigorous to return 
again, and face about to renew the duelling 
shock and contact of an amorous dalliance: 
albeit for the greater part they have neither 
uncle nor aunt to go to. 

Just so did the King Crackart, after the bat- 
tle of the Cornets, not cashier us, (speaking 
properly, ) I mean me and the quail-piper, but 
for our refreshment remanded us to our 
houses; and he is as yet seeking after his own. 
My grandfather's godmother was wont to say 
to me when I was a boy, 

Patenostres et oraisons 

Sont pout ceiiK-la qui les reticnnent. 



Ung fiffre allant en fcnaisons 

Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent. 



Not orisons nor patenotres 

Shall ever disorder my brain. 
One cadet, to the field as he flutters, 

Is worth two when they end the campaign. 

That which prompteth me to that opinion 
is, that the vine-planters did seldom eat of the 
grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, 
till the first year was wholly elapsed. During 
all which time also the builders did hardly in- 
habit their new-structured dwelling places, 
for fear of dying suffocated through want of 
respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly re- 
marked, in the second book of the Difficulty 
of Breathing. Under favour, Sir, I have not 
asked this question without cause causing, 
and reason truly very ratiocinant. Be not of- 
fended, I pray you. 

CHAPTER 7 

How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and for- 
bore to wear any longer his magnificent 
Codpiece 

PANURGE, the clay thereafter, caused pierce 
his right ear, after the Jewish fashion, and 
thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny- 
like kind of workmanship, in the beazil or col- 
let whereof was set and inchased a flea; and, 
to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you 
are to know that the flea was black. O what a 
brave thing it is, in every case and circum- 
stance of a matter, to be thoroughly well in- 
formed! The sum of the expense hereof, be- 
ing cast up, brought in, and laid down upon 
his council-board carpet, was found to 
amount to no more quarterly than the charge 
of the nuptials of a Hircanian tigress; even as 
you would say 609,000 maravedis. At these 
vast costs and excessive disbursements, as 
soon as he perceived himself to be out of 
debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as ty- 
rant and lawyers use to do, he nourished and 
fed her with the sweat and blood of his sub- 
jects and clients. 

He then took four French ells of a coarse 
brown russet cloth, and therein apparelling 
himself, as with a long, plain-seemed, and 
single-stitched gown, left off the wearing of 
his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles to 
his cap. In this equipage did he present him- 
self before Pantagruel; to whom this disguise 
appeared the more strange, that he did not, 



142 



RABELAIS 



as before, see that goodly, fair, and stately 
codpiece, which was the sole anchor of hope, 
wherein he was wonted to rely, and the last 
refuge he had amidst all the waves and bois- 
terous billows, which a stormy cloud in a 
cross fortune would raise up against him. 
Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the 
mystery, asked him by way of interrogatory, 
what he did intend to personate in that new- 
fangled Prosopopeia? 7 1 have, answered Pan- 
urge, a flea in mine ear, and have a mind to 
marry. In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you 
have told me joyful tidings. Yet would not I 
hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all the 
gladness of them. But it is not the fashion of 
lovers to be accoutred in such dangling vest- 
ments, so as to have their shirts flagging 
down over their knees, without breeches, and 
with a long robe of a dark brown mingled 
hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian 
garments amongst any persons of honour, 
quality, or virtue. If some heretical persons 
and schismatical sectaries have at any time 
formerly been so arrayed and clothed, 
(though many have imputed such a kind of 
dress to cozenage, cheat, imposture, and an 
affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds 
of the rude multitude,) I will nevertheless 
not blame them for it, nor in that point judge 
rashly or sinistrously of them. Every one over- 
flowingly aboundeth in his own sense and 
fancy; yea, in things of a foreign considera- 
tion, altogether extrinsical and indifferent, 
which in and of themselves are neither com- 
mendable nor bad, because they proceed not 
from the interior of the thoughts and heart, 
which is the shop of all good and evil, of 
goodness, if it be upright, and that its affec- 
tions be regulated by the pure and clean spirit 
of righteousness; and on the other side of 
wickedness, if its inclinations, straying be- 
yond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and 
depraved by the malice and the suggestions 
of the devil. It is only the novelty and new 
fangledncss thereof which I dislike, together 
with the contempt of common custom, and 
the fashion which is in use. 

The colour, answered Panurge, is conveni- 
ent, for it is conformable to that of my coun- 
cil-board carpet, therefore will I henceforth 
hold me with it, and more narrowly and cir- 
cumspectly than ever hitherto I have done, 
look to my affairs and business. Seeing I am 
once out of debt, you never yet saw man 
more unpleasing than I will be, if God help 
me not. Lo, here be my spectacles. To see me 



afar off, you would readily say, that it were 
Friar John Burgess. I believe certainly, that 
in the next ensuing year, I shall once more 
preach the crusade, bounce buckram. Do you 
see this russet? Doubt not but there lurketh 
under it some hid property and occult virtue, 
known to very few in the world. I did not take 
it on before this morning; and nevertheless 
am already in a rage after lust, mad after a 
wife, and vehemently hot upon untying the 
codpiece-point: I itch, I tingle, I wriggle, 
and long exceedingly to be married, that, 
without the danger of cudgel-blows, I may 
labour my female copes-mate with the hard 
push of a bull-horned devil. O the provident 
and thrifty husband that I then will be! After 
my death, with all honour and respect due 
to my frugality, will they burn the sacred 
bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the 
ashes thereof, in memory of the choicest pat- 
tern that ever was of a perfectly wary and 
complete house-holder. Cops-body, this is not 
the carpet whereon my treasurer shall be al- 
lowed to play false in his accounts with me, 
by setting down an X for a V, or an L for an 
S. For in that case should I make a hail of 
fisty-cuffs to fly into his face. Look upon me, 
Sir, both before and behind, it is made after 
the manner of a toga, which was the ancient 
fashion of the Romans in time of peace. I took 
the mode, shape, and form thereof in Trajan's 
Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphal 
Arch of Septimus Severus. I am tired of the 
wars, weary of wearing buff-coats, cassocks, 
and hoquetons. My shoulders are pitifully 
worn, and bruised with the carrying of har- 
ness. Let armour cease, and the long robe 
bear sway! At least it must be so for the whole 
space of the succeeding year, if I be married; 
as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you evi- 
denced. In what concerneth the breeches, my 
great aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, 
that the breeches were only ordained for the 
use of the codpiece, and to no other end; 
which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, 
give credit to every whit, as well as to the say- 
ing of the fine fellow Galen, who, in his ninth 
book, "Of the Use and Employment of our 
Members" allegeth, that the head was made 
for the eyes. For nature might have placed 
our heads in our knees or elbows, but having 
beforehand determined that the eyes should 
serve to discover things from afar, she for the 
better enabling them to execute their de- 
signed office, fixed them in the head, as on the 
top of a long pole, in the most eminent part of 



PANTAGRUEL 



143 



all the body: no otherwise than we see the 
phares, or high towers, erected in the mouths 
of havens, that navigators may the further off 
perceive with ease the lights of the nightly 
fires and lanterns. And because I would glad- 
ly, for some short while, (a year at least,) 
take a little rest and breathing time from the 
toilsome labour of the military profession, 
that is to say, be married, I have desisted 
from wearing any more a codpiece, and, con- 
sequently, have laid aside my breeches. For 
the codpiece is the principal and most espe- 
cial piece of armour that a warrior doth car- 
ry; and therefore do I maintain even to the 
fire, (exclusively, understand you me,) that 
no Turks can properly be said to be armed 
men, in regard that codpieces are by their 
law forbidden to be worn. 

CHAPTER 8 

Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief 
piece of armour amongst Warriors 

WILL you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that 
the codpiece is the chief piece of a military 
harness? It is a new kind of doctrine, very 
paradoxical: for we say, at the spurs begins 
the arming of a man. Sir, I maintain it, an- 
swered Panurge, and not wrongfully do I 
maintain it. Behold how nature, having a 
fervent desire after its production of plants, 
trees, shrubs, herbs, sponges, and plant-ani- 
mals, to eternize, and continue them unto all 
succession of ages in their several kinds or 
sorts, at least, although the individuals per- 
ish unruinable, and in an everlasting being, 
hath most curiously armed and fenced their 
buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein the 
above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by 
strengthening, covering, guarding, and for- 
tifying them with an admirable industry, with 
husks, cases, scarfs and swacls, hulls, cods, 
stones, films, cartels, shells, ears, rinds, barks, 
skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them 
instead of strong, fair, and natural codpieces. 
As is manifestly apparent in pease, beans, 
fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, 
gourds, pumpions, melons, corn, lemons, al- 
monds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as 
likewise in all plants, slips or sets whatsoever, 
wherein it is plainly and evidently seen, that 
the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, 
overshadowed, corroborated, and thoroughly 
harnessed, than any other part, portion, or 
parcel of the whole. 

Nature, nevertheless, did not after that 



manner provide for the sempiternizing of the 
human race: but, on the contrary, created 
man naked, tender, and frail, without either 
offensive or defensive arms; and that in the 
estate of innocence, in the first age of all, 
which was the golden season; not as a plant, 
but living creature, born for peace, not war, 
and brought forth into the world with an un- 
questionable right and title to the plenary 
fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vege- 
tables, as also to a certain calm and gentle 
rule and dominion over all kinds of beasts, 
fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects. Yet after- 
wards it happening in the time of the iron age, 
under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the mul- 
tiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness 
and malice began to take root and footing 
within the then perverted hearts of men, that 
the earth began to bring forth nettles, thistles, 
thorns, briars, and such other stubborn and 
rebellious vegetables to the nature of man. 
Nor scarce was there any animal, which by a 
fatal disposition did not then revolt from him, 
and tacitly conspire, and covenant with one 
another, to serve him no longer, nor, in case 
of their ability to resist, to do him any man- 
ner of obedience, but rather, to the uttermost 
of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt 
and harm they could. The man, then, that he 
might maintain his primitive right and pre- 
rogative, and continue his sway and domin- 
ion over all, both vegetable and sensitive 
creatures; and knowing of a truth, that he 
could not be well accommodated, as he 
ought, without the servitude and subjection 
of several animals, bethought himself, that 
of necessity he must needs put on arms, and 
make provision of harness against wars and 
violence. By the holy Saint Babingoose, cried 
out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last 
rain, a great lifrelofre, philosopher, I should 
say. Take notice, Sir, quoth Panurge, when 
Dame Nature had prompted him to his own 
arming, what part of the body it was, where, 
by her inspiration, he clapped on the first 
harness. It was forsooth by the double pluck 
of my little dog the ballock, and good Sefior 
Don Priapos Stabostando, which done, he 
was content, and sought no more. This is cer- 
tified by the testimony of the great Hebrew 
captain and philosopher Moses, who affirm- 
eth that he fenced that member with a brave 
and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely 
framed, and by right curious devices of a no- 
tably pregnant invention, made up and com- 
posed of fig-tree leaves, which, by reason of 



144 



RABELAIS 



their solid stiffness, incisory notches, curled 
frisling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, 
together with their colour, smell, virtue, and 
faculty, were exceeding proper, and fit for 
the covering and arming of the sachels of 
generation, the hideously big Lorrain cullions 
being from thence only excepted; which 
swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of 
the breeches, cannot abide (for being quite 
out of all order and method, ) the stately fash- 
ion of the high and lofty codpiece; as is mani- 
fest, by the noble Valentin Viardiere, whom 
I found at Nancy, on the first day of May 
the more flauntingly to gallantise it after- 
wardsrubbing his ballocks spread out upon 
a table after the manner of a Spanish cloak. 
Wherefore it is, that none should henceforth 
say, who would not speak improperly, when 
any country bumpkin hieth to the wars, Have 
a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the 
scull; but, Have a care, my roister, of the 
milk-pot, that is the testicles. By the whole 
rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head 
being cut off, that single person only thereby 
dieth. But, if the ballocks be marred, the 
whole race of human kind would forthwith 
perish, and be lost for ever. 

This was the motive which incited the 
goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De Spermatc, to 
aver with boldness, That it were better, that is 
to say, a less evil, to have no heart at all, than 
to be quite destitute of genitories : for in them 
is laid up, conserved and put in store, as in a 
secessive repository, and sacred warehouse, 
the semence and original source of the whole 
offspring of mankind. Therefore would I be 
apt to believe, for less than a hundred francs, 
that those are the very same stones, by means 
whereof Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the 
human race, in peopling with men and wom- 
en the world, which a little before that had 
been drowned in the overflowing waves of a 
poetical deluge. This stirred up the valiant 
Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis Tollendis, to col- 
locate his snmmum bonum in braguibus et 
braguetis. 8 For this, and other causes, the Lord 
Humphry de Merville, following his king to a 
certain warlike expedition, whilst he was in 
trying upon his own person a new suit of 
armour, for of his old rusty harness he could 
make no more use, by reason that some few 
years since the skin of his belly was a great 
way removed from his kidneys; his lady 
thereupon, in the profound musing of a con- 
templative spirit, very maturely considering 
that he had but small care of the staff of love, 



and packet of marriage, seeing he did no oth- 
erwise arm that part of the body, than with 
links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, 
and gabionate it with a big tilting helmet, 
which she had lying in her closet, to her oth- 
erways utterly unprofitable. On this lady 
were penned these subsequent verses, which 
are extant in the third book of the Shitbrena 
of Paultry Wenches. 

When Yoland saw her spouse equipt for fight, 
And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight, 
My dear, she cry'd, Why, pray, of all the rest 
Is that exposed, you know 1 love the best? 
Was she to blame for an ill-manag'd fear, 
Or rather pious conscionable care? 
Wise Lady, she! In hurly-burly fight, 
Can any tell where random blows may light? 

Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, 
and wonder no more at this new manner of 
decking and trimming up of myself as you 
now see me. 

CHAPTER 9 

How Panurge askcth counsel of Pantagruel 
whether he should marry, yea, or nay 

To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge 
prosecuted the discourse he had already 
broached, and therewithal fetching, as from 
the bottom of his heart, a very deep sigh, said, 
My lord and master, you have heard the de- 
sign I am upon, which is to marry, if by some 
disastrous mischance all the holes in the world 
be not shut up, stopped, closed and bushed. I 
humbly beseech you, for the affection which 
of a long time you have borne me, to give me 
your best advice therein. Then, answered Pan- 
tagruel, seeing you have so decreed and tak- 
en deliberation thereon, and that the matter is 
fully determined, what need is there of any 
further talk thereof, but forthwith to put into 
execution what you have resolved? Yea, but, 
quoth Panurge, I would be loth to act any- 
thing therein without your counsel had there- 
to. It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, 
and I advise you to it. Nevertheless, quoth 
Panurge, if I understood aright, that it were 
much better for me to remain a bachelor as I 
am, than to run headlong upon new hair- 
brained undertakings of conjugal adventure, 
I would rather choose not to marry. Quoth 
Pantagruel Then do not marry. Yea, but 
quoth Panurge, would you have me so soli- 
tarily drag out the whole course of my life, 



PANTAGRUEL 



145 



without the comfort of a matrimonial con- 
sort? You know it is written: Vse soli! 9 and a 
single person is never seen to reap the joy and 
solace that is found with married folks. Then 
marry, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel. 
But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make 
me a cuckold; as it is not unknown unto you, 
how this hath been a very plentiful year in 
the production of that kind of cattle; I would 
fly off the hinges, and grow impatient beyond 
all measure and mean. I love cuckolds with 
all my heart, for they seem unto me to be of 
a right honest conversation, and I truly, do 
very willingly frequent their company: but 
should I die for it, I would not be one of their 
number. That is a point for me of a too-sore 
prickling point. Then do not marry, quoth 
Pantagruel, for without all controversy this 
sentence of Seneca is infallibly true, What 
thou to others shalt have done, others will do 
the like to thee. Do you, quoth Panurge, aver 
that without all exception? Yes, truly, quoth 
Pantagruel, without all exception. Ho, ho, 
says, Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, 
his meaning is, either in this world, or in the 
other which is to come. Yet seeing I can no 
more do without a wife, than a blind man 
without his staff, for the funnel must be in 
agitation, without which manner of occupa- 
tion I cannot live, were it not a great deal 
better for me to apply and associate myself 
to some one honest, lovely, and virtuous wom- 
an, than as I do, by a new change of females 
every day, run a hazard of being bastinadoed, 
or, (which is worse,) of the great pox, if not 
of both together. For never, be it spoken, by 
their husbands' leave and favour, had I en- 
joyment yet of an honest woman. Marry then, 
in God's name, quoth Pantagruel. But if, 
quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and 
that my destiny did unluckily lead me to mar- 
ry an honest woman, who should beat me, I 
would be stored with more than two third 
parts of the patience of Job, if I were not 
stark mad by it, and quite distracted with 
such rugged dealings. For it hath been told 
me, that those exceeding honest women have 
ordinarily very wicked headpieces; therefore 
is it, that their family lacketh not for good 
vinegar. Yet in that case should it go worse 
with me, if T did not then in such sort bang 
her back and breast, so thumpingly bethwack 
her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, 
liver, and milt, with her other entrails, and 
mangle, jag, and slash her coats, so after the 
cross billet fashion, that the greatest devil of 



hell should wait at the gate for the reception 
of her damned soul. I could make a shift for 
this year to wave such molestation and dis- 
quiet, and be content to lay aside that trou- 
ble, and not to be engaged in it. 

Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. 
Yea,but, quoth Panurge, considering the con- 
dition wherein I now am, out of debt and un- 
married; mark what I say, free from all debt, 
in an ill hour! for, where I deeply on the 
score, my creditors would be but too careful 
of my paternity, but being quit, and not mar- 
ried, nobody will be so regardful of me, or 
carry towards me a love like that which is said 
to be in a conjugal affection. And if by some 
mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked 
to very waywardly. The wise man saith, 
Where there is no woman, I mean, the moth- 
er of a family, and wife in the union of a law- 
ful wedlock, the crazy and diseased are in 
danger of being ill used, and of having much 
brabbling and strife about them : as by clear 
experience hath been made apparent in the 
persons of popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, 
abbots, priors, priests, and monks: but there, 
assure yourself, you shall not find me. Marry, 
then, in the name of God, answered Pantag- 
ruel. But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at case, 
and possibly through that distemper made 
unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that 
is incumbent to an active husband, my wife, 
impatient of that drooping sickness, and 
faint-fits of a pining languishment, should 
abandon and prostitute herself to the em- 
braces of another man, and not only then not 
help and assist rne in my extremity and need, 
but withal flout at, and make sport of that my 
grievous distress and calamity; or peradven- 
ture, which is worse, embez/le my goods, and 
steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes be- 
fall unto the lot of many other men, it were 
enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimful the 
cup of my misfortune, and make me play the 
mad-pate reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry 
then, quoth Pantagruel. Yea, but, said Pan- 
urge, I shall never by any other means come 
to have lawful sons and daughters, in whom 
I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my 
name and arms, and to whom also I may 
leave and bequeath my inheritances and pur- 
chased goods, (of which latter sort you need 
not doubt, but that in some one or other of 
these mornings, I will make a fair and goodly 
show, ) that so may I cheer up and make mer- 
ry, when otherwise I should be plunged into 
a peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, 



146 



RABELAIS 



as I do perceive daily by the gentle and lov- 
ing carnage of your kind and gracious father 
towards you; as all honest folks use to do at 
their own homes, and private dwelling-hous- 
es. For being free from debt, and yet not mar- 
ried, if casually I should fret and be angry, 
although the cause of my grief and displeas- 
ure were never so just, I am afraid, instead of 
consolation, that I should meet with nothing 
else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at 
my disastrous fortune. Marry then, in the 
name of God, quoth Pantagruel; and thus 
have I given you my advice. 

CHAPTER 10 

How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge 
the difficulty of giving advice in the matter 
of marriage; and to that purpose mention- 
eth somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian 
lotteries 

YOUR counsel, quoth Panurge, under your 
correction and favour, seemeth unto me not 
unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay. It 
is full of sarcasms, mockeries, bitter taunts, 
nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and 
contradictory iterations, the one part destroy- 
ing the other. I know not, added Panurge, 
which of all your answers to lay hold on. 
Good reason why, quoth Pantagruel, for your 
proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can 
ground nothing on them, nor pitch upon any 
solid and positive determination satisfactory 
to what is demanded by them. Are not you as- 
sured within yourself of what you have a 
mind to? The chief and main point of the 
whole matter lieth there. All the rest is mere- 
ly casual, and totally dependeth upon the fa- 
tal disposition of the heavens. 

We see some so happy in the fortune of 
this nuptial encounter, that their family shin- 
eth, as it were, with the radiant cffulgency of 
an idea, model, or representation of the joys 
of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be 
so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, 
that those very basest of devils, which tempt 
the hermits that inhabit the Deserts of The- 
bais and Montserrat, are not more miserable 
than they. It is therefore expedient, seeing 
you are resolved for once to make a trial of 
the state of marriage, that, with shut eyes, 
bowing your head, and kissing the ground, 
you put the business to a venture, and give 
it a fair hazard, in recommending the success 
of the residue to the disposure of Almighty 
God. It lieth not in my power to give you any 



other manner of assurance, or otherwise to 
certify you of what shall ensue on this your 
undertaking. Nevertheless, if it please you, 
this you may do. Bring hither Virgil's poems, 
that after having opened the book, and with 
our fingers severed the leaves thereof three 
several times, we may, according to the num- 
ber agreed upon between ourselves, explore 
the future hap of your intended marriage. 
For frequently, by a Homeric lottery, have 
many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in 
the person of Socrates, who, whilst he was in 
prison, hearing the recitation of this verse of 
Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of the 
Iliads, 



We, the third day, to fertile Phthia came; 

thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent 
day he was to die. Of the truth whereof he 
assured /Eschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero 
inprimo, De Divinatione, Diogenes, Laertius, 
and others, have to the full recorded in their 
works. The like is also witnessed by Opilius 
Macrinns, to whom, being desirous to know 
if he should be the Roman Emperor, befell by 
chance of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of 
the Iliads, 

12 yepov, rj /xaXa drj <je vkoi reipovai /xax^rat, 
2?) de fiir) XeXurcu, xaXe7r6j> 5e ere yrjpas OTrd^et; 
Dotard, new warriors urge thce to be gone; 
Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee 
down. 

In fact he, being then somewhat ancient, 
had hardly enjoyed the sovereignty of the 
empire for the space of fourteen months, 
when by Heliogabulus, then both young and 
strong, he was dispossessed thereof, thrust 
out of all, and killed. Brutus doth also bear 
witness of another experiment of this nature, 
who, willing, through this exploratory way 
by lot, to learn what the event and issue 
should be of the Pharsalian battle, wherein he 
perished, he casually encountered on this 
verse, said of Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the 
Iliads, 

'AXXct M e Motp' 6X01) /ecu Arjnjs tKravev ui6s; 
Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead. 

And accordingly Apollo was the field-word 
in the dreadful day of that fight. Divers nota- 
ble things of old have likewise been foretold 



PANTAGRUEL 



147 



arid known by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in 
matters of no less importance than the obtain- 
ing of the Roman Empire, as it happened to 
Alexander Severus, who, trying his fortune at 
the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this 
verse written in the Sixth of the AZneids, 

Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, 

memento. 
Know, Roman, that thy business is to 

reign. 

He within very few years thereafter was 
effectually and in good earnest created and 
installed Roman emperor. A semblable story 
thereto is related of Adrian, who, being huge- 
ly perplexed within himself out of a longing 
humour to know in what account he was with 
the emperor Trajan, and how large the meas- 
ure of that affection was which he did bear 
unto him, had recourse, after the manner 
above specified, to the Maronian lottery, 
which by hap-hazard tendered him these 
lines out of the Sixth of the SEneids, 

Quis procul ille autem ramis insignis olivze, 
Sacra fcrens? Nosco crines, incanaque menta 
Regis Romani; 

But who is he, conspicuous from afar, 
With olive boughs, that doth his offerings 

bear? 

By the white hair and beard I know him plain 
The Roman king. 

Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Tra- 
jan and succeeded to him in the empire. 
Moreover to the lot of the praiseworthy em- 
peror Claudius befell this line of Virgil, writ- 
ten in the First of his AZneids, 

Tertia dnm Latio regnantem viderit sestets, 
Whilst the third summer saw him reign a 

king 
In Latium. 

And in effect he did not reign above two 
years. To the said Claudian also, inquiring 
concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he 
proposed as a colleague with himself in the 
empire, happened the response following, in 
the Sixth of the JEneids, 

Ostendent terris hunc tantum jata, 

Whom fate just let us see, 
And would no longer suffer him to be. 



And so it fell out; for he was killed on the sev- 
enteenth day after he had attained unto the 
management of the imperial charge. The very 
same lot also, with the like misluck, did be- 
tide the emperor Gordian the younger. To 
Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to un- 
derstand somewhat of his future adventures, 
did occur this saying, which is written in the 
Sixth of the AZneids, 

Hie rem Romanam, magno turbante 

tumnltu, 
Sistct; equcs stcrnet Pxrws, Gallumquc 

rebellem. 

The Romans boiling with tumultuous 

rage, 
This warrior shall the dangerous storm 

assuage; 

With victories he the Carthaginian mauls, 
And with strong hand shall crush the rebel 

Gauls. 

Likewise when the emperor D. Claudius, 
Aurelian's predecessor, did with great eager- 
ness research after the fate to come of his pos- 
terity, his hap was to alight on this verse in 
the First of the sEneids, 

Hie ego nee metas rerum, nee tempora 

pono. 
No bounds are to be set, no limits here. 

Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogi- 
cal row of his race. When Mr. Peter Amy did 
in like manner explore and make trial, if he 
should escape the ambush of the hob-goblins, 
who lay in wait all-to-bernaul him, he fell 
upon this verse in the Third of the JEneids, 

Hen! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus 

avarum! 
Ah flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! 

Which counsel he obeying safe and sound, 
forthwith avoided all their ambuscades. 

Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enu- 
merate a thousand suchlike adventures, 
which, comformable to the dictate and ver- 
dict of the verse, have by that manner of lot- 
casting encounter befallen to the curious re- 
searchers of them. Do not you nevertheless 
imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I 
would upon this kind of fortune-flinging 
proof, infer an uncontrollable, and not to be 
gainsaid infallibility of truth. 



148 



RABELAIS 



CHAPTER 11 



How Pantagruel sheweth the trial of ones 
fortune by the throwing of dice to be un- 
lawful 

IT would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, 
and more expeditely, if we should try the 
matter at the chance of three fair dice. Quoth 
Pantagruel, That sort of lottery is deceitful, 
abusive, illicitous, and exceeding scandalous. 
Never trust in it. The accursed book of the 
Recreation of Dice was a great while ago ex- 
cogitated in Achaia near Bourre, by that an- 
cient enemy of mankind, the infernal calum- 
niator, who, before the statue or massive im- 
age of the Bouraic Hercules, did of old, and 
doth in several places of the world as yet, 
make many simple souls to err and fall into 
his snares. You know, how my father Gargan- 
tua hath forbidden it over all his kingdoms 
and dominions; how he hath caused to burn 
the moulds and draughts thereof, and alto- 
gether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, 
and cast it out of the land, as a most danger- 
ous plague and infection to any well-polished 
state or commonwealth. What I have told you 
of dice, I say the same of the play at cockall. 
It is a lottery of the like guile and deceitful- 
ness; and therefore, do not for convincing of 
me allege in opposition to this my opinion, or 
bring in the example of the fortunate cast of 
Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at 
the oracle of Gerion. These are the baited 
hooks by which the devil attracts and draw- 
eth unto him the foolish souls of silly people 
into eternal perdition. 

Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in 
some measure, I am content you throw three 
dice upon this table, that, according to the 
number of the blots which shall happen to be 
cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that page, 
which in the setting open of the book you 
shall have pitched upon. 

Have you any dice in your pocket? A whole 
bag-full, answered Panurge. That is provi- 
sion against the devil, as is expounded by 
Merlin Coccaius, Lib. 2, De Patria Diabolor- 
nm. The devil would be sure to take me nap- 
ping, and very much at unawares, if he 
should find me without dice. With this the 
three dice being taken out, produced, and 
thrown, they fell so pat upon the lower 
points, that the cast was five, six, and five. 
These are, quoth Panurge, sixteen in all. Let 
us take the sixteenth line of the page. The 
number pleaseth me very well; I hope we 



shall have a prosperous and happy chance. 
May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, 
even as a great bowl cast athwart a set of 
nine pins, or cannon-ball shot among a bat- 
talion of foot, in case so many times I do not 
boult my future wife the first night of our 
marriage! Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt 
at all, quoth Pantagruel. You needed not 
have rapped forth such a horrid imprecation, 
the sooner to procure credit for the perform- 
ance of so small a business, seeing possibly 
the first bout will be amiss, and that you 
know is usually at tennis called fifteen. At the 
next justling turn you may readily amend 
that fault, and so complete your reckoning of 
sixteen. Is it so, quoth Panurge, that you un- 
derstand the matter? And must my words be 
thus interpreted? Nay, believe me, never yet 
was any solecism committed by that valiant 
champion, who often hath for me in Belly- 
dale stood sentry at the hypogastrian cranny. 
Did you ever hitherto find me in the confra- 
ternity of the faulty? Never, I trow; never, 
nor ever shall, for ever and a day. I do the 
feat like a goodly friar, or father confessor, 
without default. And therein am I willing to 
be judged by the players. He had no sooner 
spoke these words, than the works of Virgil 
were brought in. But before the book was 
laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My 
heart, like the furch of a hart in a rut, cloth 
beat within my breast. Be pleased to feel and 
grope my pulse a little on this artery of my 
left arm. At its frequent rise and fall you 
would say that they swinge and belabour me 
after the manner of a probationer, posed and 
put to a peremptory trial in the examination 
of his sufficiency for the discharge of the 
learned duty of a graduate in some eminent 
degree in the college of the Sorbonists. 

But would you not hold it expedient, be- 
fore we proceed any further, that we should 
invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddess- 
es, who in the chamber of lots are said to rule, 
sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway? 
Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel, 
only open up the leaves of the book with your 
fingers, and set your nails at work. 

CHAPTER 12 

How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian 
Lottery what fortune Panurge shall have 
in his marriage 

THEN at the opening of the book, in the six- 
teenth row of the lines of the disclosed page, 



PANTAGRUEL 



149 



did Panurge encounter upon this following 
verse : 

Nee Deus hunc mensa, Dca nee dignata 

eubili est. 

The god him from his table banished, 
Nor would the goddess have him in her bed. 

This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh 
not very much for your benefit or advantage: 
for it plainly signifies and denoteth, that your 
wife shall be a strumpet, and yourself by con- 
sequence a cuckold. The goddess, whom you 
shall not find propitious nor favourable unto 
you, is Minerva, a most redoubtable and 
dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating 
goddess, an enemy to cuckolds, and effemin- 
ate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and adul- 
terers. The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thun- 
der-striking god from heaven. And withal it 
is to be remarked, that, conform to the doc- 
trine of the ancient Tletrurians, the manubes, 
for so did they call the darting hurls, or sling- 
ing casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did 
only appertain to her, and to Jupiter her fa- 
ther capital. This was verified in the conflagra- 
tion of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor cloth this 
fulminating power belong to any other of the 
Olympic gods. Men, therefore, stand not in 
such fear of them. Moreover I will tell you, 
and you may take it as extracted out of the 
profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, 
when the giants had enterpriscd the waging 
of a war against the power of the celestial 
orbs, the gods at first did laugh at those at- 
tempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, 
who were, in their conceit, not strong enough 
to cope in feats of warfare with their pages; 
but when they saw by the gigantine labour, 
the high hill Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that 
the mount Olympus was made shake, in order 
to be erected on the top of both; then did 
they all stand aghast. 

Then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, 
or general convention, wherein it was unan- 
imously resolved upon, and condescended to, 
by all the gods, that they should worthily and 
valiantly stand to their defence. And because 
they had often seen battles lost by the cum- 
bersome tets and disturbing incumbrances of 
women, confusedly huddled in amongst ar- 
mies, it was at that time decreed and enacted, 
That they should expel and drive out of heav- 
en into Egypt, and the confines of Nile, that 
whole crew of goddesses disguised in the 
shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice, 



ferrets, fulmarts, and other such-like odd 
transformations, only Minerva was reserved 
to participate with Jupiter in the horrific ful- 
minating power; as being the goddess both of 
war and leai ning, of arts and arms, of coun- 
sel and dispatch; a goddess armed from her 
birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, in the 
air, by sea and land. By the belly of Saint 
Buff, quoth Panurge, should I be Vulcan, 
whom the poet blazons? Nay, I am neither a 
cripple, coiner of false money, nor smith as 
he was. My wife possibly will be as comely 
and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not 
a whore like her, nor I a cuckold like him. 
The crook-legged slovenly slave made him- 
self to be declared a cuckold by a definite sen- 
tence and judgment, in the open view of all 
the gods. For this cause ought you to inter- 
pret the afore-mentioned verse quite contrary 
to what you have said. This lot importeth, 
that my wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, 
loyal, and faithful; not armed, surly, way- 
ward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hair- 
brained, or extracted out of brains, as was the 
goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly Jupiter 
be my co-rival. He shall never dip his bread 
in my broth, though we should sit together at 
one table. 

Consider his exploits and gallant actions. 
He was the most manifest ruffian, wencher, 
whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold- 
maker that ever breathed. He did always 
lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he 
was fostered by a sow in the Isle of Candia, 
if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar, 
and more ramrnishly lascivious than a buck; 
whence it is, that he is said by others to have 
been suckled and fed with milk of the Amal- 
tba?an goat. By the virtue of Acheron, he jus- 
tied, bulled, and lastauriated in one day the 
third part of the world, beasts and people, 
floods and mountains; that was Europa. For 
this grand subagitatory achievement, the Am- 
monians caused draw, delineate, and paint 
him in the figure and shape of a ram ram- 
ming, and horned ram. But I know well 
enough how to shield and preserve myself 
from that horned champion. He will not, trust 
me, have to deal in my person with a sottish, 
dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless 
Argus, for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet 
with the cowardly meacock Acrisius, the sim- 
ple goosecap Lycus of Thebes, the doating 
blockhead Agenor, the phlegmatic pea-goose 
Asopus, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish 
misshapen Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the 



150 



RABELAIS 



large-backed and strong-reined Atlas. Let 
him alter, change, transform, and metamor- 
phose himself into a hundred various shapes 
and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a 
shower of gold, or into a cuckoo, as he did 
when he unmaidened his sister Juno; into an 
eagle, ram or dove, as when he was enam- 
oured of the virgin Phthia, who then dwelt in 
the ^gean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, 
even into a flea, into epicurean and demo- 
cratical atoms, or, more magistronostalistical- 
ly, into those sly intentions of the mind, 
which in the schools are called second no- 
tions, I'll catch him in the nick, and take him 
napping. And would you know what I would 
do unto him? Even that which to his father 
Coelum, Saturn did, Seneca foretold it of me, 
and Lactantius hath confirmed it what the 
goddess Rhea did to Athis. I would make him 
two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cym- 
bals, and cut so close and neatly by the 
breech, that there should not remain thereof 

so much as one , so cleanly would I shave 

him: and disable him for ever from being 
pope, for Tcsticulos non habet. Hold there, 
said Pantagruel; ho, soft, and fair my lad! 
Enough of that, cast up, turn over the 
leaves, and try your fortune for the second 
time. Then did he fall upon this ensuing 



Membra quatit, gelidusquc coit formidine 
sanguis. 

His joints and members quake, he becomes 
pale, 

And sudden fear doth his cold blood con- 
geal. 

This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she 
will soundly bang your back and belly. Clean 
and (mite contrary, answered Panurge, it is of 
me that he prognosticates, in saying that I 
will beat her like a tiger, if she vex me. Sir 
Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and 
in default of a cudgel, the devil gulp him, if I 
should not eat her up quick, as Candaules the 
Lydian King did his wife, whom he ravened 
and devoured. 

You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and 
courageous, Hercules himself durst hardly 
adventure to scuffle with you in this your rag- 
ing fury. Nor is it strange; for a jan is worth 
two; and two in fight against Hercules are too 
strong. Am I a jan? quoth Panurge. No, no, 
answered Pantagruel. My mind was only run- 
ning upon the lurch and trictrac. Thereafter 



did he hit, at the third opening of the book, 
upon this verse: 

Fcemineo prsedse, et spoliorum ardebat 

amore. 

After the spoil and pillage, as in fire, 
He burnt with a strong feminine desire. 

This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that 
she will steal your goods and rob you. Hence 
this, according to these three drawn lots, will 
be your future destiny, I clearly see it, you 
will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and you 
will be robbed. Nay, it is quite otherwise, 
quoth Panurge, for it is certain that this verse 
presageth, that she will love me with a per- 
fect liking. Nor did the satire-writing poet lie 
in proof hereof, when he affirmed, That a 
woman, burning with extreme affection, 
takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her 
sweetheart. And what I pray you? A glove, a 
point, or some such trifling toy of no impor- 
tance, to make him keep a gentle kind of stir- 
ring in the research and quest thereof. Jn like 
manner, these small scolding debates, and 
petty brabbling contentions, which frequent- 
ly we see spring up, and for a certain space 
boil very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited 
lovers, are nothing else but recreative diver- 
sions for their refreshment, spurs to, and in- 
centives of, a more fervent amity than ever. 
As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers 
with hammers maul their finest whetstones, 
therewith to sharpen their iron tools the bet- 
ter. And therefore do I think, that these three 
lots make much for my advantage; which if 
not, I from their sentence totally appeal. 
There is no appealing, quoth Pantagruel, 
from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot or 
chance: as is recorded by our ancient law- 
yers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult. Cap. de Leg. 
The reason hereof is, fortune doth not ac- 
knowledge a superior, to whom an appeal may 
be made from her, or any of her substitutes. 
And in this case the pupil cannot be restored 
to his right in full, as openly by the said au- 
thor is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, paragr. ult. ff. 
de minor. 

CHAPTER 13 

How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the 
future good or bad luck of his marriage by 
dreams 

Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the 
manner of expounding or interpreting the 
sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our 



PANTAGRUEL 



151 



course another way, and try a new sort of 
divination. Of what kind? asked Panurge. Of 
a good ancient and authentic fashion, an- 
swered Pantagruel; it is by dreams. For in 
dreaming, such circumstances and conditions 
being thereto adhibited, as are clearly 
enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib. 
irepl T&V tvvirviuv, by Plato, Plotin, lamblicus, 
Synesius, Aristotle, Xenophon, Galen, Plu- 
tarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, 
Q. Calaber, Theocritus, Pliny, Athenoeus, and 
others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee what 
is to come. How true this is, you may con- 
ceive by a very vulgar and familiar example; 
as when you see that at such a time as suck- 
ling babes, well nourished, fed and fostered 
with good milk, sleep soundly and profound- 
ly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport 
themselves, and arc licentiated to recreate 
their fancies at what range to them shall seem 
most fitting and expedient, their presence, 
sedulity, and attendance on the cradle being, 
during all that space, held unnecessary. Even 
just so, when our body is at rest, that the con- 
coction is every where accomplished, and 
that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our 
soul delighteth to disport itself, and is well 
pleased in that frolic to take a review of its 
native country, which is the heavens, where 
it receiveth a most notable participation of its 
first beginning, with an imbuement from its 
divine source, and in contemplation of that 
infinite and intellectual sphere, whereof the 
centre is every where, and the circumference 
in no place of the universal world, (to wit, 
God, according to the doctrine of Hermes 
Trismegistus, ) to whom no new thing hap- 
peneth, whom nothing that is past escapeth, 
and unto whom all things are alike present; 
it remarketh not only what is preterit 11 and 
gone, in the inferior course and agitation of 
sublunary matters, but withal taketh notice 
what is to come; then bringing a relation of 
those future events unto the body by the out- 
ward senses and exterior organs, it is divulged 
abroad unto the hearing of others. Where- 
upon the owner of that soul deserveth to be 
termed a vaticinator, or prophet. Neverthe- 
less, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able 
to report those things in such sincerity as it 
hath seen them, by reason of the imperfection 
and frailty of the corporeal senses, which ob- 
struct the effectuating of that office; even as 
the moon doth not communicate unto this 
earth of ours that light which she receiveth 
from the sun with so much splendour, heat, 



vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given 
her. Hence it is requisite for the better read- 
ing, explaining, and unfolding of these som- 
niatory vaticinations, and predictions, of that 
nature that a dexterous, learned, skilful, wise, 
industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory 
expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, 
such a one as by the Greeks is called On/ro- 
crit, or Oniropolist. For this cause Heraclitus 
was wont to say, that nothing is by dreams re- 
vealed to us, that nothing is by dreams con- 
cealed from us, and that only we thereby 
have a mystical signification and secret evi- 
dence of things to come, either for our own 
prosperous or unlucky fortune, or for the fa- 
vourable or disastrous success of another. The 
sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane 
histories assure us of it, in both which are ex- 
posed to our view a thousand several kinds of 
strange adventures, which have befallen pat 
according to the nature of the dream, and 
that as well to the party dreamer, as to others. 
The Atlantic people, and those that inhabit 
the island of Thasos, one of the Cyclades, are 
of this grand commodity deprived; for in 
their countries none yet ever dreamed. Of 
this sort were Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, 
and in our days the learned Frenchman Vil- 
lanovanus, neither of all which knew what 
dreaming was. 

Fail not therefore to morrow, when the jol- 
ly and fair Aurora with her rosy fingers draw- 
eth aside the curtains of the night to drive 
away the sable shades of darkness, to bend 
your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping 
sound, and thereto apply yourself. In the 
meanwhile you must denude your mind of 
every human passion or affection, such as are 
love and hatred, fear and hope; for as of old 
the great vaticinator, most famous and re- 
nowned prophet Proteus, was not able in his 
disguise or transformation into fire, water, a 
tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth 
shapes and visors, to presage anything that 
was to come, till he was restored to his own 
first natural -and kindly form; just so doth 
man; for, at his reception of the art of divina- 
tion, and faculty of prognosticating future 
things, that part in him which is the most di- 
vine, (to wit, the NoOs, or Mens,) must be 
calm, peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, 
hushed, and not imbusied or distracted with 
foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations. I am 
content, quoth Panurge. But I pray you, sir, 
must I this evening, ere I go to bed, eat much 
or little? I do not ask this without cause. For 



152 



RABELAIS 



if I sup not well, large, round, and amply, my 
sleeping is not worth a forked turnip. All the 
night long I then but doze and rave, and in 
my slumbering fits talk idle nonsense, my 
thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as 
deep in their dumps as is my belly hollow. 

Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were 
best for you, considering the state of your 
complexion, and healthy constitution of your 
body. A certain very ancient prophet, named 
Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by 
dreams to be imbued with any oracles, for 
four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals, 
and to abstain from wine three days together. 
Yet shall not you be put to such a sharp, hard, 
rigorous, and extreme sparing diet. I am truly 
right apt to believe, that a man whose stom- 
ach is replete with various cheer, and in a 
manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly 
able to conceive aright of spiritual things; 
yet am not I of the opinion of those, who, af- 
ter long and pertinacious fastings, think by 
such means to enter more profoundly into the 
speculation of celestial mysteries. You may 
very well remember how my father Gargan- 
tua (whom here for honour sake I name) 
hath often told us, that the writings of absti- 
nent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits 
were every whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and 
insipid, as were their bodies when they did 
compose them. It is a most difficult thing for 
the spirits to be in a good plight, serene and 
lively, when there is nothing in the body but 
a kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the 
philosophers with the physicians jointly af- 
firm, that the spirits, which are styled animal, 
spring from, and have their constant practice 
in arid through the arterial blood, refined, and 
purified to the life within the admirable net, 
which, wonderfully framed, lieth under the 
ventricles and tunnels of the brain. He gave 
us also the example of the philosopher, who, 
when he thought most seriously to have with- 
drawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far 
from the rustling clutterments of the tumul- 
tuous and confused world, the better to im- 
prove his theory, to contrive, comment and 
ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his utter- 
most endeavours to free himself from all un- 
toward noises, surrounded and environed 
about so with the barking of curs, bawling of 
mastiffs, bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, 
tattling of jack-daws, grunting of swine, 
girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of 
cats, cheeping of mice, squeaking of weasels, 
croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling 



of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of 
swans, chattering of jays, peeping of chick- 
ens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirp- 
ing of swallows, clucking of moor-fowls, 
cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees, ram- 
mage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking 
of ravens, screeching of owls, whicking of 
pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, 
grumbling of cushet-doves, howling of pan- 
thers, curkling of quails, chirping of spar- 
rows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, 
whining of whelps, buzzing of dromedaries, 
mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, hum- 
ming of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of 
bears, sussing of kitlings, clamoring of 
scarfes, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of 
buffalos, warbling of nightingales, quavering 
of meavises, drintling of turkies, coniating of 
storks, trantling of peacocks, clattering of 
magpies, murmuring of stock-doves, crouting 
of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of 
beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of mes- 
sens, rantling of rats, gucrieting of apes, snut- 
tering of monkies, pioling of pelicans, quack- 
ing of ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of 
lions, neighing of horses, barring of elephants, 
hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, 
that he was much more troubled, than if he 
had been in the middle of the crowd at the 
fair of Fontenay or Niort. Just so is it with 
those who are tormented with the grievous 
pangs of hunger. The stomach begins to 
gnaw, and bark as it were, the eyes to look 
dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some 
refection to themselves from the proper sub- 
stance of all the members of a fleshy consis- 
tence, violently pull down and draw back 
that vagrant, roaming spirit, careless and 
neglecting of his nurse and natural host, 
which is the body; as when a hawk upon the 
fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring 
aloft in the open spacious air, is on a sudden 
drawn back by a leash tied to her feet. 

To this purpose also did he allege unto us 
the authority of Homer, the father of all phi- 
losophy, who said, that the Grecians did not 
put an end to their mournful mood for the 
death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend 
of Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared her- 
self, and their bellies protested to furnish no 
more tears unto their grief. For from bodies 
emptied and macerated by long fasting, there 
could not be such supply of moisture and 
brackish drops, as might be proper on that 
occasion. 

Mediocrity at all times is commendable; 



PANTAGRUEL 



153 



nor in this case are you to abandon it. You 
may take a little supper, but thereat must you 
not eat of a hare, nor of any other flesh. You 
are likewise to abstain from beans, from the 
preak, by some called the polyp, as also from 
coleworts, cabbage, and all other such like 
windy victuals, which may endanger the 
troubling of your brains, and the dimming or 
casting a kind of mist over your animal spir- 
its. For, as a looking glass cannot exhibit the 
semblance or representation of the object set 
before it, and exposed to have its image to 
the life expressed, if that the polished sleek- 
edness thereof be darkened by gross breath- 
ings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, in- 
fectious exhalations, even so the fancy can- 
not well receive the impression of the likeness 
of those things, which divination doth afford 
by dreams, if any way the body be annoyed 
or troubled with the furnish steam of meat, 
which it had taken in a while before; be- 
cause, betwixt these two there still hath been 
a mutual sympathy and fellow-feeling of an 
indissolubly knit affection. You shall eat good 
Eusebian and bergamot pears, one apple of 
the short-shank pippin-kind, a parcel of the 
little plums of Tours, and some few cherries 
of the growth of my orchard. Nor shall you 
need to fear, that thereupon will ensue doubt- 
ful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to 
be trusted to, as by some peripatetic philoso- 
phers hath been related; for that, say they, 
men do more copiously in the season of har- 
vest feed on fruitages, than any other time. 
The same is mystically taught us by the an- 
cient prophets and poets, who allege, that all 
vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in co- 
vert, under the leaves which are spread on 
the ground: by reason that the leaves fall 
from the trees in the autumnal quarter. For 
the natural fervour, which abounding in ripe, 
fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness 
of its ebullition to be with ease evaporated 
into the animal parts of the dreaming per- 
sonthe experiment is obvious in most is 
a pretty while before it be expired, dis- 
solved, and evanished. As for your drink, 
you are to have it of the fair, pure water of 
my fountain. 

The condition, quoth Panurge, is very 
hard. Nevertheless, cost what price it will, or 
whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend 
thereto; protesting, that I shall to-morrow 
break my fast betimes, after my somniatory 
exercitations. Furthermore, I recommend 
myself to Homer's two gates, to Morpheus, to 



Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. If 
they in this my great need succour me, and 
grant me that assistance which is fitting, I 
will, in honour of them all, erect a jolly, gen- 
teel altar, composed of the softest down. If I 
were now in Laconia, in the temple of Juno, 
betwixt CEtile and Thalamis, she suddenly 
would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me 
of my doubts, and cheer me up with fair and 
jovial dreams in a deep sleep. 

Then did he thus say unto Pantagruel. Sir, 
were it not expedient for my purpose to put 
a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the 
quilt and bolster of my bed, under the pillow 
on which my head must lean? There is no 
need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel, for, be- 
sides that it is a thing very superstitious, the 
cheat thereof hath been at large discovered 
unto us in the writings of Serapion Ascalo- 
nites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon, and 
Fulgentius Planciades. I could say as much to 
you of the left shoulder of a crocodile, as also 
of a cameleon, without prejudice be it spoken 
to the credit which is due to the opinion of old 
Democritus; and likewise of the stone of the 
Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the 
Hammonian horn; for so by the ^Ethiopians 
is termed a certain precious stone, coloured 
like gold, and in the fashion, shape, form and 
proportion of a ram's horn, as the horn of Ju- 
piter Hammon is reported to have been : they 
over and above assuredly affirming, that the 
dreams of those who carry it about them are 
no less veritable and infallible, than the truth 
of the divine oracles. Nor is this much unlike 
to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two 
gates of sleep; to which you have been 
pleased to recommend the management of 
what you have in hand. The one is of ivory, 
which letteth in confused, doubtful, and un- 
certain dreams; for through ivory, how small 
and slender soever it be, we can see nothing, 
the density, opacity, and close compactedness 
. of its material parts hindering the penetration 
of the visual rays, and the reception of the 
species of such things as are visible. The oth- 
er is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure 
and certain dreams, even as through horn, by 
reason of the diaphanous splendour, and 
bright transparency thereof, the species of all 
objects of the sight distinctly pass, and so 
without confusion appear, that they are clear- 
ly seen. Your meaning is, and you would 
thereby infer, quoth Friar John, that the 
dreams of all horned cuckolds, of which num- 
ber Panurge, by the help of God, and his fu- 



JLD4 

hire wife, is without controversy to be one, 
are always true and infallible. 

CHAPTER 14 

Panurges dream, with the interpretation 

thereof 

AT seven o'clock of the next following morn- 
ing, Panurge did not fail to present himself 
before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at 
that time Epistemon, Friar John of the Fun- 
nels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalim, and 
others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, 
Pantagruel said, Lo, here cometh our dream- 
er. That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient 
times cost very much, and was dearly sold to 
the children of Jacob. Then said Panurge, I 
have been plunged into my dumps so deeply, 
as if I had been lodged with Gaffer Noddy- 
cap. Dreamed indeed I have, and that right 
lustily; but I could take along with me no 
more thereof, that I did truly understand; 
save only, that I in my vision had a pretty, 
fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who 
no less lovingly and kindly treated and enter- 
tained me, hugged, cherished, cockered, dan- 
dled, and made much of me, as if I had been 
another neat dilli-darling minion, like Adonis. 
Never was man more glad than I was then, 
my joy at that time was incomparable. She 
flattered me, tickled me, stroked me, groped 
me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, em- 
braced me, laid her hands about my neck, 
and now and then made jestingly, pretty lit- 
tle horns above my forehead. I told her in the 
like disport, as I did play the fool with her, 
that she should rather place and fix them in a 
little below mine eyes, that I might see the 
better what I should stick at with them; for, 
being so situated, Momus then would find no 
fault therewith, as he did once with the posi- 
tion of the horns of bulls. The wanton, toying 
girl, notwithstanding any remonstrance of 
mine to the contrary, did always drive and 
thrust them further in : yet thereby, which to 
me seemed wonderful, she did not do me any ' 
hurt at all. A little after, though I know not 
how, I thought I was transformed into a ta- 
bor, and she into a chough, or madge-howlet. 

My sleeping there being interrupted, I 
awaked in a start, angry, displeased, per- 
plexed, chafing, and very wroth. There have 
you a large platter-full of dreams, make 
thereupon good cheer, and, if you please 
spare not to interpret them according to the 
understanding which you have in them. 
Come, Carpalim, let us to breakfast. To my 



sense and meaning, quoth Pantagruel, if I 
have skill or knowledge in the art of divina- 
tion by dreams, your wife will not really, and 
to the outward appearance of the world, 
plant, or set horns, and stick them fast in your 
forehead, after a visible manner, as satyrs use 
to wear and carry them; but she will be so 
far from preserving herself loyal in the dis- 
charge and observance of a conjugal duty, 
that, on the contrary she will violate her 
plighted faith, break her marriage oath, in- 
fringe all matrimonial tics, prostitute her 
body to the dalliance of other men, and so 
make you a cuckold. This point is clearly and 
manifestly explained and expounded by Ar- 
temidorus, just as I have related it. Nor will 
there be any metamorphosis, or transmuta- 
tion made of you into a drum, or tabor, but 
you will surely be as soundly beaten as ever 
was tabor at a merry wedding. Nor yet will 
she be changed into a chough, but will steal 
from you, chiefly in the night, as is the na- 
ture of that thievish bird. Hereby may you 
perceive your dreams to be in every jot con- 
form and agreeable to the Virgilian lots. A 
cuckold you will be, beaten and robbed. 
Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, 
He tells the truth; upon my conscience, thou 
wilt be a cuckold, an honest one, I warrant 
thee. O the brave horns that will be borne by 
thee! Ha, ha, ha! Our good Master de Corni- 
bus. God save thee and shield thee! Wilt thou 
be pleased to preach but two words of a ser- 
mon to us, I will go through the parish- 
church to gather up alms for the poor. 

You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken 
in your interpretation; for the matter is quite 
contrary to the sense thereof. My dream pres- 
age th, that I shall by marriage be stored with 
plenty of all manner of goods, the hornify- 
ing of me showing, that I will possess a cor- 
nucopia, that Amalthaean horn, which is 
called the horn of abundance, whereof the 
fruition did still portend the wealth of the 
enjoyer. You possibly will say, that they are 
rather like to be satyr's horns; for you of these 
did make some mention. Amen, amen, fiat, 
fiatur, ad differentiam papse. 12 Thus shall I 
have my touch-her-home still ready. My staff 
of love semipiternally in a good case, will, 
satyr-like be never toiled out; a thing which 
all men wish for, and send up their prayers to 
that purpose, but such a thing as neverthe- 
less is granted but to few. Hence doth it fol- 
low by a consequence as clear as the sun- 
beams, that I will never be in the danger of 



PANTAGRUEL 



155 



being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof 
is Causa sine qua non; yea, the sole cause, as 
many think, of making husbands cuckolds. 
What makes poor scoundrel rogues to beg, I 
pray you? Is it not because they have not 
enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies 
and their pokes? What is it makes the wolves 
to leave the woods? Is it not the want of flesh 
meat? What maketh women whores? You un- 
derstand me well enough. And herein may I 
very well submit my opinion to the judgment 
of learned lawyers, presidents, counsellors, 
advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other 
glossers and commentators on the venerable 
rubric, De Frigidis et Maleficiatis. 13 You are, 
in truth, sir, as it seems to me, (excuse my 
boldness, if I have transgressed,) in a most 
palpable and absurd error, to attribute my 
horns to cuckoldry. Diana wears them on her 
head after the manner of a crescent. Is she a 
cucquean for that? How the devil can she be 
cuckolded, who never yet was married? 
Speak somewhat more correctly, I beseech 
you, lest she, being offended, furnish you 
with a pair of horns, shapcn by the pattern of 
those which she made for Actaeon. The good- 
ly Bacchus also carries horns, Pan, Jupiter 
Hammon, with a great many others. Are they 
all cuckolds? If Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a 
whore. This follows by the figure metalcpsis; 
as to call a child in the presence of his father 
and mother, a bastard, or whore's son, is tac- 
itly and underboard, no less than if he had 
said openly, the father is a cuckold, and his 
wife a punk. Let our discourse come nearer to 
the purpose. The horns that my wife did 
make me are horns of abundance, planted 
and grafted in my head for the increase and 
shooting up of all good things. This will I af- 
firm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my 
faith and credit both upon it. As for the rest, 
I will be no less joyful, frolic, glad, cheerful, 
merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well- 
bended tabor in the hands of a good drum- 
mer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, 
still rolling, still buzzing and cracking. Be- 
lieve me, sir, in that consisteth none of my 
least good fortunes. And my wife will be jo- 
cund, feat, compt, neat, quaint, dainty, trim, 
tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a 
pretty little Cornish chough. Who will not 
believe this, let hell or the gallows be the bur- 
den of his Christmas carol. 

I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point 
or particle which you did speak of, and, hav- 
ing seriously conferred it with the first, find 



that at the beginning you were delighted 
with the sweetness of your dream; but in the 
end and final closure of it you startingly 
awaked, and on a sudden were forthwith 
vexed in choler, and annoyed. Yea, quoth 
Panurge, the reason of that was, because I 
had fasted too long. Flatter not yourself, 
quoth Pantagruel; all will go to ruin. Know 
for a certain truth, that every sleep that end- 
cth with a starting, and leaves the person irk- 
some, grieved, and fretting, cloth cither signi- 
fy a present evil, or otherwise presageth and 
portendeth a future imminent mishap. To 
signify an evil, that is to say, to show some 
sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilenti- 
ous or malignant bile, botch, or sore, lying 
and lurking hid, occult, and latent within the 
very centre of the body, which many times 
doth by the means of sleep, whose nature is 
to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and 
virtue of concoction, begin according to the 
theorems of physic to declare itself, and 
moves toward the outward superficies. At 
this sad stirring is the sleeper's rest and ease 
disturbed and broken, whereof the first feel- 
ing and stinging smart admonisheth, that he 
must patiently endure great pain and trouble, 
and thereunto provide some remedy: as 
when we say proverbially, to incense hornets, 
move a stinking puddle, and to awake a 
sleeping lion, instead of these more usual ex- 
pressions, and of a more familiar and plain 
meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make 
a thing the worse by meddling with it, and to 
irritate a testy choleric man when he is at 
quiet. On the other part, to presage or foretel 
an evil, especially in what concerneth the ex- 
ploits of the soul, in matter of somnial divina- 
tions, is as much as to say as that it giveth us 
to understand, that some dismal fortune or 
mischance is destinated and prepared for us, 
which shortly will not fail to come to pass. A 
clear and evident example hereof is to be 
found in the dream and dreadful awaking of 
Hecuba, as likewise in that of Euridice, the 
wife of Orpheus, neither of which was no 
sooner finished, saith Ennius, but that inconti- 
nently thereafter they awaked in a start, and 
were affrighted horribly. Thereupon these ac- 
cidents ensued; Hecuba had her husband Pri- 
amus, together with her children, slain be- 
fore her eyes, and saw then the destruction of 
her country; and Euridice died speedily 
thereafter in a most miserable manner. /Ene- 
as, dreaming that he spoke to Hector a little 
after his decease, did on a sudden on a great 



156 



RABELAIS 



start, awake, and was afraid. How hereupon 
did follow this event; Troy that same night 
was spoiled, sacked, and burnt. At another 
time the same JEneas, dreaming that he saw 
his familiar Genii and Penates, in a ghastly 
fright and astonishment awaked, of which 
terror and amazement the issue was, that the 
very next day subsequent, by a most horrible 
tempest on the sea, he was like to have per- 
ished, and been cast away. Moreover, Turnus 
being prompted, instigated, and stirred up by 
the fantastic vision of an infernal fury, to en- 
ter into a bloody war against ^Eneas, awaked 
in a start much troubled and disquieted in 
spirit, in sequel w r hereof, after many notable 
and famous routs, defeats, and discomfitures 
in open field, he came at last to be killed in a 
single combat by the said /Eneas. A thousand 
other instances I could afford, if it were need- 
ful, of this matter. Whilst I relate these stor- 
ies of /Eneas, remark the saying of Fabius 
Pictor, who faithfully averred, That nothing 
had at any time befallen unto, was done, or 
enterprised by him, whereof he had not pre- 
viously had notice, and before-hand foreseen 
it to the full, by sure predictions altogether 
founded on the oracles of somnial divination. 
To this there is no want of pregnant reasons, 
no more than of examples. For if repose and 
rest in sleeping be a special gift and favour of 
the gods, as is maintained by the philoso- 
phers, and by the poet attested in these lines, 

Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to re- 
fresh 
Of human labourers the wearied flesh; 

such a gift or benefit can never finish or ter- 
minate in wrath and indignation, without 
portending some unlucky fate, and most dis- 
astrous fortune to ensue. Otherwise it were a 
molestation, and not an ease; a scourge, and 
not a gift; at least, not proceeding from the 
gods above, but from the infernal devils our 
enemies, according to the common vulgar 
saying. 

Suppose the lord, father, or master of a 
family, sitting at a very sumptuous dinner, 
furnished with all manner of good cheer, and 
having at his entry to the table his appetite 
sharp set upon his victuals, whereof there 
was great plenty, should be seen rise in a 
start, and on a sudden fling out of his chair, 
abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and 
in a horrid terror, who should not know the 
cause hereof would wonder, and be aston- 



ished exceedingly. But what? he heard his 
male servants cry, Fire, fire, fire, fire! his serv- 
ing maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop 
thief! and all his children shout as loud as 
ever they could, Murder, O murder, murder! 
Then was it not high time for him to leave his 
banqueting, for application of a remedy in 
haste, and to give speedy order for succour- 
ing of his distressed household? Truly, I re- 
member, that the Cabalists and Massorets, in- 
terpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in treat- 
ing how with verity one might judge of evan- 
gelical apparitions, (because oftentimes the 
angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured 
into an angel of light, ) said, That the differ- 
ence of these two mainly did consist in this. 
The favourable and comforting angel useth 
in his appearance unto man at first to terrify 
and hugely affright him, but in the end he 
bringeth consolation, leaveth the person who 
hath seen him, joyful, well pleased, fully con- 
tent, and satisfied. On the other side, the an- 
gel of perdition, that wicked, devilish, and 
malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any 
person, in the beginning cheercth up the 
heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him, 
and leaves him troubled, angry, and per- 
plexed. 

CHAPTER 15 

Panurges excuse and exposition of the mo- 
nastic mystery concerning powdered beef 

THE Lord save those who see, and do not 
hear! quoth Panurge. I see you well enough, 
but know not what it is that you have said. 
The hunger-starved belly wanteth ears. For 
lack of victuals, before God, I roar, bray, yell, 
and fume, as in a furious madness. I have per- 
formed too hard a task to-day, an extraordi- 
nary work indeed. He shall be craftier, and 
do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. 
Mush, who shall be able any more this year 
to bring me on the stage of preparation for a 
dreaming verdict. Fie! not to sup at all, that 
is the devil. Pox take that fashion! Come, 
Friar John, let us go break our fast; for if I 
hit on such a round refection in the morning, 
as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper 
and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it 
with meat and drink sufficient, then at a 
pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessi- 
ty which presseth, I could make a shift that 
day to forbear dining. But not to sup! A 
plague rot that base custom, which is an er- 
ror offensive to nature. That lady made the 



PANTAGRUEL 



157 



day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on, and 
labour in each his negotiation and employ- 
ment; and, that we may with the more fer- 
vency and ardour prosecute our business, she 
sets before us a clear burning candle, to wit, 
the sun's resplendency; and at night, when 
she begins to take the light from us, she there- 
by tacitly implies no less, than if she would 
have spoken thus unto us: My lads and lasses, 
all of you are good and honest folks, you have 
wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled 
enough, the night approacheth, therefore 
cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist 
from all your swinking painful labours, and 
set your minds how to refresh your bodies in 
the renewing of their vigour with good bread, 
choice wine, and store of wholesome meats; 
then may you take some sport and recreation, 
and after that lie down and rest yourselves, 
that you may strongly, nimbly, lustily, and 
with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on 
your affairs as formerly. 

Falconers in like manner, when they have 
fed their hawks, will not suffer them to fly on 
a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a 
little, that they may rouse, bait, tower, and 
soar the better. That good pope, who was the 
first institutor of fasting, understood this well 
enough; for he ordained that our fast should 
reach but to the hour of noon; all the remain- 
der of that day was at our disposure, freely to 
eat and feed at any time thereof. In ancient 
times there were but few that dined, as you 
would say, some churchmen, monks, and can- 
ons, for they have little other occupation. 
Each day is a festival unto them, who dili- 
gently heed the claustral proverb, De missa 
ad mensam. H They do not use to linger and 
defer their sitting down and placing of them- 
selves at table, only so long as they have a 
mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; 
so they fell to without ceremony, terms, or 
conditions; and every body supped, unless it 
were some vain, conceited, dreaming dotard. 
Hence was a supper called Cxna, which 
showeth that it is common to all sorts of peo- 

Ele. Thou knowest it well, Friar John. Come, 
rt us go, my dear friend, in the name of all 
the devils of the infernal regions, let us go. 
The gnawings of my stomach in this rage of 
hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark 
like a mastiff. Let us throw some bread and 
beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the 
sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best mo- 
nastical brewess, the prime, the flower of the 
pot. I am for the solid, principal verb that 



comes after the good brown loaf, always ac- 
companied with a round slice of the Nine- 
lecture-powdered labourer. I know thy mean- 
ing, answered Friar John; this metaphor is 
extracted out of the claustral kettle. The la- 
bourer is the ox, that hath wrought and done 
the labour; after the fashion of nine lectures, 
that is to say, most exquisitely well and thor- 
oughly boiled. These holy religious fathers, 
by a certain cabalistic institution of the an- 
cients, not written, but carefully by tradition 
conveyed from hand to hand, rising betimes 
to go to morning prayers, were wont to flour- 
ish that their matutinal devotion with some 
certain notable preambles before their entry 
into the church, viz., They dunged in the 
dungeries, pissed in the pisseries, spit in the 
spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cough- 
eries, and doted in their doteries, that to the 
divine service they might not bring any thing 
that was unclean or foul. These things thus 
done, they very zealously made their repair 
to the Holy Chapel, for so was in their cant- 
ing language termed the convent kitchen, 
where they with no small earnestness had 
care that the beef pot should be put on the 
crook for the breakfast of the religious broth- 
ers of our Lord and Saviour; and the fire they 
would kindle under the pot themselves. Now, 
the matins, consisting of nine lessons, were so 
incumbent on them, that they must have risen 
the earlier for the more expedite dispatching 
of them all. The sooner that they rose, the 
sharper was their appetite, and the barkings 
of their stomachs, and the gnawings increased 
in the like proportion, and consequently 
made these godly men thrice more a hun- 
gered and a thirst, than when their matins 
were hemmed over only with three lessons. 
The more betimes they rose, by the said ca- 
bal, the sooner was the beef pot put on; the 
longer that the beef was on the fire, the bet- 
ter it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the 
tenderer; the tenderer that it was, the less it 
troubled the teeth, delighted more the palate, 
less charged the stomach, and nourished our 
good religious men the more substantially; 
which is the Only end and prime intention of 
the first founders, as appears by this, That 
they eat, not to live, but live to eat, and in this 
world have nothing but their life. Let us go, 
Panurge. 

Now have I understood thee, quoth Pan- 
urge, my plushcod friar, my caballine and 
claustral ballock. I freely quit the costs, inter- 
est, and charges, seeing you have so egre- 



158 



RABELAIS 



giously commented upon the most especial 
chapter of the culinary and monastic cabal. 
Come along, my Carpalim, and you, Friar 
John, my leather-dresser. Good morrow to 
you all, my good lords: I have dreamed 
enough to drink. Let us go. Panurge had no 
sooner done speaking, than Epistemon with a 
loud voice said these words. It is a very ordi- 
nary and common thing amongst men to con- 
ceive, foresee, know, and presage the misfor- 
tune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to 
have the understanding, providence, knowl- 
edge, and prediction of a man's own mishap, 
is very scarce, and rare to be found any 
where. This is exceeding judiciously and pru- 
dently deciphered by /Esop in his Apologues, 
who there affirmeth, That every man in the 
world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in the 
fore-bag whereof are contained the faults and 
mischances of others, always exposed to his 
view and knowledge; and in the other scrip 
thereof, which hangs behind, are kept the 
bearer's proper transgressions, and inauspi- 
cious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor 
thought upon, unless he be a person that hath 
a favourable aspect from the heavens. 

CHAPTER 16 

How Pantagruel adviscth Panurge to consult 
with the Sibyl of Panzoust 

A LITTLE while thereafter Pantagruel sent 
for Panurge, and said unto him, The affection 
which I bear you being now inveterate, and 
settled in my mind by a long continuance of 
time, prompteth me to the serious considera- 
tion of your welfare and profit; in order 
whereto, remark what I have thought there- 
on. It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near 
Crouly, dwelleth a very famous sibyl, who is 
endowed with the skill of foretelling all things 
to come. Take Epistemon in your company, 
repair towards her, and hear what she will 
say unto you. She is possibly, quoth Episte- 
mon, some Canidia, Sagana, or Pythonissa, 
either whereof with us is vulgarly called a 
witch, I being the more easily induced to 
give credit to the truth of this character of 
her, that the place of her abode is vilely 
stained with the abominable repute of 
abounding more with sorcerers and witches 
than ever did the plains of Thessaly. I should 
not, to my thinking, go thither willingly, for 
that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, 
and altogether forbidden in the law of Moses. 
We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is it a 



matter judically confessed by her, nor au- 
thentically proved by others that she is a 
witch. Let us for the present suspend our 
judgment, and defer till after your return 
from thence the sifting and garbling of those 
niceties. How know we but that she may be 
an eleventh sibyl, or a second Cassandra? But 
although she were neither, and she did not 
merit the name or title of any of these re- 
nowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the 
name of God, do you run, by offering to talk 
and confer with her, of the instant perplexity 
and perturbation of your thoughts? Seeing 
especially, and which is most of all, she is, in 
the estimation of those that are acquainted 
with her, held to know more, and to be of a 
deeper reach of understanding, than is either 
customary to the country wherein she liveth, 
or to the sex whereof she is. What hindrance, 
hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire of 
knowledge bring to any man, were it from a 
sot, a pot, a fool, a stool, a winter mittain, a 
truckle for a pully, the lid of a goldsmith's 
crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper? You 
may remember to have read, or heard at least, 
that Alexander the Great, immediately after 
his having obtained a glorious victory over 
the King Darius at Arbela, refused, in the 
presence of the splendid and illustrious cour- 
tiers that were about him, to give audience to 
a poor certain despicable like fellow, who, 
through the solicitations and mediation of 
some of his royal attendants, was admitted 
humbly to beg that grace and favour of him. 
But sore did he repent, although in vain, a 
thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, 
the surly state which he then took upon him 
to the denial of so just a suit, the grant where- 
of would have been worth unto him the value 
of a brace of potent cities. He was indeed vic- 
torious in Persia, but withal so far distant 
from Macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, 
that the joy of the one did not expel the ex- 
treme grief, which through occasion of the 
other he had inwardly conceived; for not be- 
ing able with all his power to find or invent a 
convenient mean and expedient, how to get 
or come by the certainty of any news from 
thence, both by reason of the huge remote- 
ness of the places from one to another, as also 
because of the impeditive interposition of 
many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of 
divers wild deserts, and obstructive interjec- 
tion of sundry almost inaccessible mountains, 
whilst he was in this sad quandary and so- 
licitous pensiveness, which, you may sup- 



PANTAGRUEL 



159 



pose, could not be a small vexation to him, 
considering that it was a matter of no great 
difficulty to run over his whole native soil, 
possess his country, seize on his kingdom, in- 
stal a new king in the throne, and plant there- 
on foreign colonies, long before he could 
come to have any advertisement of it: for ob- 
viating the jeopardy of so dreadful inconveni- 
ency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a cer- 
tain Sidonian merchant of a low stature, but 
high fancy, very poor in shew, and, to the 
outward appearance of little or no account, 
having presented himself before him, went 
about to affirm and declare, that he had ex- 
cogitated and hit upon a ready mean and 
way, by the which those of his territories at 
home should come to the certain notice of his 
Indian victories, and himself be perfectly in- 
formed of the state and condition of Egypt 
and Macedonia, within less than five days. 
Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged in- 
to a sullen ariimadvertency of mind, through 
his rash opinion of the improbability of per- 
forming a so strange and impossible-like un- 
dertaking, dismissed the merchant without 
giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified 
him. What could it have cost him to hearken 
unto what the honest man had invented and 
contrived for his good? What detriment, an- 
noyance, damage, or loss could he have un- 
dergone to listen to the discovery of that se- 
cret, which the good fellow would have most 
willingly revealed unto him? Nature, I am 
persuaded, did not without a cause frame our 
ears open, putting thereto no gate at all, nor 
shutting them up with any manner of inclo- 
sures, as she hath clone upon the tongue, the 
eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of the 
body. The cause as I imagine, is, to the end 
that every day and every night, and that con- 
tinually, we may be ready to hear, and by a 
perpetual hearing apt to learn. For, of all the 
senses, it is the fittest for the reception of the 
knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; 
and it may be, that man was an angel, that is 
to say, a messenger sent from God, as Ra- 
phael was to Tobit. Too suddenly did he con- 
temn, despise, and misregard him; but too 
long thereafter, by an untimely and too late 
repentance, did he do penance for it. You say 
very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you 
never for all that induce me to believe, that 
it can tend any way to the advantage or com- 
modity of a man, to take advice and counsel 
of a woman, namely, of such a woman, and 
the woman of such a country. Truly I have 



found, quoth Panurge, a great deal of good in 
the counsel of women, chiefly in that of the 
old wives amongst them; for, every time I 
consult with them, I readily get a stool or two 
extraordinary, to the great solace of my bum- 
gut passage. They are as sloth-hounds in the 
infallibility of their scent, and in their say- 
ings no less sententious than the rubrics of 
the law. Therefore in my conceit it is not an 
improper kind of speech to call them sage or 
wise women. In confirmation of which opin- 
ion of mine, the customary style of my lan- 
guage alloweth them the denomination of 
presage women. The epithet of sage is due 
unto them, because they are surpassing dex- 
terous in the knowledge of most things. And I 
give them the title of presage for that they di- 
vinely foresee, and certainly foretell future 
contingencies, and events of things to come. 
Sometimes I call them not maunettes, but 
monettes, from their wholesome monitions. 
Whether it be so, ask Pythagoras, Socrates, 
Empcdoclcs, and our master, Ortuinus. I fur- 
thermore praise and commend above the skies 
the ancient memorable institution of the pris- 
tine Germans, who ordained the responses 
and documents of old women to be highly ex- 
tolled, most cordially reverenced, and prized 
at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, 
and standard of the sanctuary. And as they 
were respectfully prudent in receiving of 
these sound advices, so by honouring and fol- 
lowing them did they prove no less fortunate 
in the happy success of all their endeavours. 
Witness the old wife Aurinia, and the good 
mother Velleda, in the days of Vespasian. 
You need not any way doubt, but that femi- 
nine old age is always fructifying in qualities 
sublime, I would have said sibylline. Let us 
go, by the help, let us go, by the virtue of 
God, let us go. Farewell, Friar John, I recom- 
mend the care of my codpiece to you. Well, 
quoth Epistemon, I will follow you, with this 
protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to 
get a sure information, or otherwise find, that 
she doth use any kind of charm or enchant- 
ment in her responses, it may not be imputed 
to me for a LHame to leave you at the gate of 
her house, without accompanying you any 
further in. 

CHAPTER 17 

How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust 

THEIR voyage was six days journeying. On 
the seventh whereof, was shown unto them 



160 



RABELAIS 



the house of the vaticinatress, standing on the 
knap or top of a hill, under a large and spa- 
cious walnut-tree. Without great difficulty 
they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, 
scurvily built, naughtily moveabled, and all 
besmoked. It matters not, quoth Epistemon; 
Heraclitus, the grand Scotist, and tenebrous 
darksome philosopher, was nothing aston- 
ished at his introit into such a coarse and pal- 
try habitation; for he did usually show forth 
unto his sectators and disciples, that the gods 
made as cheerfully their residence in these 
mean homely mansions, as in sumptuous 
magnificent palaces, replenished with all 
manner of delight, pomp, and pleasure. I 
withal do really believe, that the dwelling- 
place of the so famous and renowned Hecate 
was just such another petty cell as this is, 
when she made a feast therein to the valian! 
Theseus; and that of no other better structure 
was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or GEnopion, 
wherein Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were 
not ashamed, all three together, to harbour 
and sojourn a whole night, and there to take 
a full and hearty repast; and in payment of 
the shot they thankfully pissed Orion. They 
finding the ancient woman at a corner of her 
own chimney, Epistemon said, she is indeed 
a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one rep- 
resented by the Tprjt Ka^ivot of Homer. The 
old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and condi- 
tion, in matter of the outward state and com- 
plexion of her body, the ragged and tattered 
equipage of her person, in the point of ac- 
coutrement, and beggarly poor provision of 
fare for her diet and entertainment; for she 
was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, 
blear-eyed, crook -shouldered, snotty, her nose 
still dropping, and herself still drooping, faint, 
and pithless; whilst in this wofully wretched 
case she was making ready, for her dinner, 
porridge or wrinkled green coleworts, with a 
swerd of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice 
before cooked sort of waterish, unsavoury 
broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones. 
Epistemon said, By the cross of a groat, we 
are to blame, nor shall we get from her any 
response at all, for we have not brought along 
with us the branch of gold. I have, quoth Pan- 
urge, provided pretty w r ell for that, for here I 
have it within my bag, in the substance of a 
gold ring, accompanied with some fair pieces 
of small money. No sooner were these words 
spoken, when Panurge coming up towards 
her, after the ceremonial performance of a 
profound and humble salutation, presented 



her with six neats' tongues dried in the smoke, 
a great butterpot full of fresh cheese, a bo- 
racho furnished with good beverage, and a 
ram's cod stored with single pence, newly 
coined. At last he, with a low courtesy, put on 
her medical finger a pretty handsome golden 
ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased 
a precious toaclstone of Beausse. This done, 
in few words and very succinctly, did he set 
open and expose unto her the motive reason 
or his coming, most civilly and courteously 
entreating her, that she might be pleased to 
vouchsafe to give him an ample and plenary 
intelligence concerning the future good luck 
of his intended marriage. 

The old trot for a while remained silent, 
pensive, and grinning like a dog; then, after 
ihe had set her withered breech upon the 
bottom of a bushel, she took into her hands 
three old spindles, which when she had 
turned and whirled betwixt her fingers very 
diversely, and after several fashions, she 
pryed more narrowly into, by the trial of 
their points, the sharpest whereof she re- 
tained in her hand, and threw the other two 
under a stone trough. After this she took a 
pair of yarn windles, which she nine times un- 
intermittedly veered, and frisked about, then 
at the ninth revolution or turn, without touch- 
ing them any more, maturely perpending the 
manner of their motion, she very demurely 
waited on their repose and cessation from any 
further stirring. In sequel whereof, she pulled 
off one of her wooden pattens, put her apron 
over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice, 
when he is going to sing mass, and with a 
kind of antic, gaudy, party-coloured string, 
knit it under her neck. Being thus covered 
and muffled, she whiffed off a lusty good 
draught out of the boracho, took three sev- 
eral pence forth of the ram-cod fob, put them 
into so many walnut shells, which she set 
down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and 
then, after she had given them three whisks 
of a broom besom athwart the chimney, cast- 
ing into the fire half a bcvin of long heather, 
together with a branch of dry laurel, she ob- 
served with a very hush and coy silence, in 
what form they did burn, and saw, that, 
although they were in a flame, they made no 
kind of noise, or crackling din. Hereupon she 
gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful 
shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few 
barbarous words, of a strange termination. 

This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith 
said to Epistemon, The devil mince me into a 



PANTAGRUEL 



161 



gallimaufry, if I do not tremble for fear! I do 
not think but that I am now enchanted; for 
she uttereth not her voice in the terms of any 
Christian language. O look, I pray you, how 
she seemeth unto me to be by three full spans 
higher than she was when she began to hood 
herself with her apron. What meaneth this 
restless wagging of her slouchy chaps? What 
can be the signification of the uneven shrug- 
ging of her hulchy shoulders? To what end 
does she quaver with her lips, like a monkey 
in the dismembering of a lobster? My ears 
through horror glow; ah! how they tingle! I 
think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the 
devils are breaking loose to be all here. O the 
foul, ugly, and deformed beasts! Let us run 
away! by the hook of God I am like to die for 
fear! I do not love the devils; they vex me, 
and are unpleasant fellows. Now let us fly, 
and betake us to our heels. Farewell, Gam- 
rner, thanks and grammcrcy for your goods! 
I will not marry, no, believe me, I will not. I 
fairly quit my interest therein, and totally 
abandon and renounce it from this time for- 
ward, even as much as at present. With this, 
as he endeavoured to make an escape out of 
the room, the old crone did anticipate his 
flight, and make him stop. The way how she 
prevented him was this. Whilst in her hand 
she held the spindle, she hurried out to a 
back-yard close by her lodge, where, after 
she had peeled off the bark of an old syca- 
more three several times, she very summarily, 
upon eight leaves which dropped from 
thence, wrote with the spindle-point some 
curt and briefly-couched verses, which she 
threw into the air, then said unto them, 
Search after them if you will; find them if you 
can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are 
written in them. 

No sooner had she done thus speaking than 
she did withdraw herself unto her lurking- 
hole, where on the upper scat of the porch 
she tucked up her gown, her coats and smock, 
as high as her arm-pits, and gave them a full 
inspection of the nockandroe: which being 
perceived by Panurge, he said to Epistemon, 
God's bodikins, I see the sibyl's hole, where 
many have perished, in seeing: let's fly this 
hole. She suddenly then bolted the gate be- 
hind her, and was never since seen any more. 
They jointly ran in haste after the fallen and 
dispersed leaves, and gathered them at last, 
though not without great labour and toil, for 
the wind had scattered them amongst the 
thorn-bushes of the valley. When they had 



ranged thorn each after other in their clue 
places, they found out their sentence, as it is 
metrified in this octastic. 

Thy fame upheld, 

Even so, so: 
And she with child 

Of thee: No. 

Thy good end 

Suck she 1 shall, 
And flay thee, friend, 

But not all. 

CHAPTER 18 

How Pantagruel and Pamir gc did diversely 
expound the verses of the Sibyl of Panzowrt 

THE leaves being thus collected, and orderly 
disposed, Epistemon and Panurge returned 
to Pantagruel's court, partly well pleased, 
and other part discontented: glad for their 
being come back, and vexed for the trouble 
they had sustained by the way, which they 
found to be craggy, rugged, stony, rough, 
and ill adjusted. They made an ample and 
full relation of their voyage unto Pantagruel; 
as likewise of the estate and condition of the 
sibyl. Then having presented to him the 
leaves of the sycamore, they show him the 
short and twattle verses that were written in 
them. Pantagruel, having read and consid- 
ered the whole sum and substance of the mat- 
ter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy 
sigh, then said to Panurge: You are now, for- 
sooth, in a good taking, and have brought 
your hogs to a fine market. The prophecy of 
the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us 
the very same predictions which have been 
denoted, foretold, and presaged to us by the 
decree of the Virgilian lots, and the verdict of 
your own proper dreams; to wit, that you 
shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and 
discredited by your wife: for that she will 
make you a cuckold, in prostituting herself to 
others, being big with child by another than 
you, will steal from you a great deal of your 
goods, and wfll beat you, scratch, and bruise 
you, even to plucking the skin in a part from 
off you; will leave the print of her blows in 
some member of your body. You understand 
as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable 
interpretation and expounding of recent 
prophecies, as a sow in the matter of spiccry. 
Be not offended, sir, I beseech you, that I 
speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in 



162 



RABELAIS 



cholcr, and that not without cause, seeing it is 
the contrary that is true. Take heed, and give 
attentive ear unto my words. The old wife 
said, that as the bean is not seen till first it be 
unhusked, and that its swad or hull be shalcd, 
and peeled from off it, so it is that my virtue 
and transcendant worth will never come by 
the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad, pro- 
portionable to the height, extent, and meas- 
ure of the excellency thereof, until preallably 
I get a wife, and make the full half of a mar- 
ried couple. How many times have I heard 
you say, that the function of a magistrate, and 
office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, 
and endowments of the person so advanced 
and promoted, and what is in him. That is to 
say, we are then best able to judge aright of 
the deservings of a man, when he is called to 
the management of affairs: for, when before 
he lived in a private condition, we could have 
no more certain knowledge of him, than of a 
bean within his husk. And thus stands the 
first article explained: Otherwise could you 
imagine, that the good fame, repute, and es- 
timation of an honest man should depend up- 
on the tail of a whore? 

Now to the meaning of the second article! 
My wife will be with child, here lies the 
prime felicity of marriage, but not of me. 
Copsody, that I do believe indeed! It will be 
of a pretty little infant. O how heartily I shall 
love it! I do already dote upon it; for it will 
be my dainty feedle-darling, my genteel dilly- 
minion. From thenceforth no vexation, care, 
or grief shall take such deep impression in my 
heart, how hugely great or vehement soever 
it otherwise appear, but that it shall vanish 
forthwith, at the sight of that my future babe, 
and at the hearing of the chat and prating of 
its childish gibberish. And blessed be the old 
wife. By my truly, I have a mind to settle 
some good revenue or pension upon her, out 
of the readiest increase of the lands of my 
Salmigondinois; not an inconstant, and un- 
certain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy- 
headed bachelors, but sure and fixed, of the 
nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting 
doctors. If this interpretation doth not please 
you, think you my wife will bear me in her 
flanks, conceive with me, and be of me deliv- 
ered, as women use in childbed to bring forth 
their young ones; so as that it may be said, 
Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been 
twice born; he is re-born, as was Hippolytus, 
as was Proteus, one time of Thetis, and sec- 
ondly, of the mother of the philosopher Apol- 



lonius, as were the two Palici, near the flood 
Sirmethos in Sicily. His wife was big of child 
with him. In him is renewed and begun again 
the palintokis of the Megarians, and the pal- 
ingenesis of Democritus. Fie upon such er- 
rors! To hear stuff of that nature rends mine 
ears. 

The words of the third article are : She will 
suck me at my best end. Why not? That 
pleaseth me right well. You know the thing; 
I need not tell you, that it is my intercrural 
pudding with one end. I swear and promise, 
that in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, 
full of juice, and as well victualled for her use 
as may be. She shall not suck me, I believe, in 
vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there 
shall her justinn 15 both in peck and lippy be 
furnished to the full eternally. You expound 
this passage allcgorically, and interpret it to 
theft and larceny. I love the exposition, and 
the allegory pleaseth me; but not according 
to the sense whereto you stretch it. It may be, 
that the sincerity of the affection which you 
bear me moveth you to harbour in your 
breast those refractory thoughts concerning 
me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come. 
We have this saying from the learned, That a 
marvellously fearful thing is love, and that 
true love is never without fear. But, Sir, ac- 
cording to my judgment, you do understand 
both of and by yourself, that here stealth sig- 
nifieth nothing else, no more than in a thou- 
sand other places of Greek and Latin, old and 
modern writings, but the sweet fruits of am- 
orous dalliance, which Venus liketh best 
when reaped in secret, and culled by fervent 
lovers filchingly. Why so? I prithee tell. Be- 
cause, when the feat of the loose coat skirm- 
ish happeneth to be done under-hand and 
privily, between two well-disposed, athwart 
the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly, and in 
covert, behind a suit of hangings, or close hid 
and trussed upon an unbound faggot, it is 
more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess and to 
me also, I speak this without prejudice to 
any better, or more sound opinion, than to 
perform that culbusting art, after the Cynic 
manner, in the view of the clear sunshine, or 
in a rich tent, under a precious stately can- 
opy, within a glorious and sublime pavilion, 
or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich curtains of 
cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long 
intermediate respites, enjoying of pleasures 
and delights a bellyful, all at great ease, with 
a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin, and a 
bunch of feathers of some East Indian ostrich, 



PANTAGRUEL 



163 



serving to give chase unto the flies all round 
about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks 
her teeth with a stiff straw, picked even then 
from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on. 
If you be not content with this my exposition, 
are you of the mind that my wife will suck 
and sup me up, as people use to gulp and 
swallow oysters out of the shell? or as the Ci- 
cilian women, according to the testimony of 
Dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of Al- 
kermes? Assuredly that is an error. Who seiz- 
eth on it, doth neither gulch up, nor swill 
down, but takes away what hath been packed 
up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of 
hey -pass, repass. 

The fourth article doth imply, that my wife 
will flay me, but not all. O the fine word! You 
interpret this to beating strokes and blows. 
Speak wisely. Will you eat a pudding? Sir, I 
beseech you to raise up your spirits above the 
low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that 
height of sublime contemplation, which 
reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries 
and wonders of dame Nature. And here be 
pleased to condemn yourself, by a renounc- 
ing of those errors which you have committed 
very grossly, and somewhat perversely, in ex- 
pounding the prophetic sayings of the holy 
sibyl. Yet put the case, (albeit I yield not to 
it,) that, by the instigation of the devil, my 
wife should go about to wrong me, make me 
a cuckold down to my very breech, disgrace 
me otherways, steal my goods from me, yea, 
and lay violently her hands upon me; she 
nevertheless should fail of her attempts and 
not attain to the proposed end of her unrea- 
sonable undertakings. The reason which in- 
duceth me hereto, is totally grounded on this 
last point, which is extracted from the pro- 
founclest privacies of a monastic panthcology, 
as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me once 
upon a Monday morning, as we were, (if I 
have not forgot,) eating a bushel of trotter- 
pies; and I remember well it rained hard. 
God give him the good morrow! The women 
at the beginning of the world, or a little alter, 
conspired to flay the men quick, because they 
found the spirit of mankind inclined to domi- 
neer it, and bear rule over them upon the face 
of the whole earth; and, in pursuit of this 
their resolution, promised, confirmed, swore, 
and covenanted amongst themselves by the 
pure faith they owe to the nocturnal Sanct 
Rogero. But O the vain enterprises of women! 
O the great fragility of that sex feminine! 
They did begin to flay the man, or peel him, 



(as says Catullus,) at that member which of 
all the body they loved best, to wit, the nerv- 
ous and cavernous cane, and that above five 
thousand years ago; yet have they not of that 
small part alone flayed any more till this hour 
but the head. In mere despite whereof the 
Jews snip off that parcel of the skin in circum- 
cision, choosing far rather to be called clip- 
yards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, 
as are other nations. My wife, according to 
this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be 
not so already. I heartily grant my consent 
thereto, but will not give her leave to flay it 
at all. Nay, truly will 1 not, my noble king. 

Yea, but, quoth Epistemon, you say noth- 
ing of her most dreadful cries and exclama- 
tions, when she and we both saw the laurel- 
bough burn without yielding any noise or 
crackling. You know it is a very dismal omen, 
an inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and tok- 
en formidable, bad, disastrous, and most un- 
happy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, 
the quick philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius 
on the Iliads of Homer, and by many others. 
Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the 
allegations which you bring me, and testi- 
monies of two-footed calves. These men were 
fools, as they were poets; and dotards, as 
they were philosophers; full of folly, as they 
were of philosophy. 

CHAPTER 19 

How Pantagruel praiscth the counsel of 
dumb men 

PANTAGRUEL, when this discourse was ended, 
held for a pretty while his peace, seeming to 
be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to 
Panurge, The malignant spirit misleads, be- 
guileth and seduceth you. I have read, that in 
times past the surest and most veritable ora- 
cles were not those which either were deliv- 
ered in writing, or uttered by word of mouth 
in speaking. For many times, in their inter- 
pretation, right witty, learned and ingenious 
men have been deceived through amphibolo- 
gies, equivoques, and obscurity of words, no 
less than by the brevity of their sentences. 
For which cause Apollo, the god of vaticina- 
tion, was surnamed Aoftas. Those which 
were represented then by signs and outward 
gestures, were accounted the truest and the 
most infallible. Such was the opinion of Hera- 
clitus. And Jupiter did himself in this manner 
give forth in Ammon frequently predictions. 
Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo 



164 



RABELAIS 



did the like amongst the Assyrians. His 
prophesying thus unto those people moved 
them to paint him with a large long beard, 
and clothes beseeming an old settled person, 
of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; 
not naked, young, and beardless, as he was 
pourtrayed most usually amongst the Gre- 
cians. Let us make trial of this kind of fatidi- 
cency; and go you, take advice of some dumb 
person without any speaking. I am content, 
quoth Panurge. But, says Pantagruel, it were 
requisite that the dumb you consult with be 
such as have been deaf from the hour of their 
nativity, and consequently dumb, for none 
can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb, as 
he who never heard. 

How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive 
this matter? If you apprehend it so, that 
never any spoke, who had not before heard 
the speech of other, I will from that anteced- 
ent bring you to infer very logically a most 
absurd and paradoxical conclusion. But let it 
pass; I will not insist on it. You do not then 
believe what Herodotus wrote of two chil- 
dren, who at the special command and ap- 
pointment of Psammeticus king of Egypt, 
having been kept in a pretty country cottage, 
where they were nourished and entertained 
in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a cer- 
tain long space of time, pronounce this word 
Bee, which in the Phrygian language signi- 
fieth Bread. Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, 
do I believe, that it is a mere abusing of our 
understandings to give credit to the words of 
those, who say that there is any such thing as 
a natural language. All speeches have had 
their primary origin from the arbitrary insti- 
tutions, accords and agreements of nations in 
their respective condescendments to what 
should be noted and betokened by them. An 
articulate voice, according to the dialecti- 
cians, hath naturally no signification at all; for 
that the sense and meaning thereof did total- 
ly depend upon the good will and pleasure of 
the first deviser and imposer of it. I do not tell 
you this without a cause, for Bartholus, Lib. 
5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously reporteth, 
that even in his time there was in Eugubia 
one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who, al- 
though he, by a sad mischance, became alto- 
gether deaf, understood, nevertheless, every 
one that talked in the Italian dialect howso- 
ever he expressed himself; and that only by 
looking on his external gestures, and casting 
an attentive eye upon the divers motions of 
his lips and chaps. I have read, I remember 



also, in a very literate and eloquent author, 
that Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days 
of Nero, made a voyage to Rome, where he 
was received with great honour and solem- 
nity, and with all manner of pomp and mag- 
nificence. Yea, to the end there might be a 
sempiternal amity and correspondence pre- 
served betwixt him and the Roman Senate, 
there was no remarkable thing in the whole 
city which was not shown unto him. At his 
departure the emperor bestowed upon him 
many ample donatives of an inestimable val- 
ue: and besides, the more entirely to testify 
his affection towards him, heartily entreated 
him to be pleased to make choice of any 
whatsoever thing in Rome was most agree- 
able to his fancy; with a promise juramental- 
ly confirmed, that he should not be refused of 
his demand. Thereupon, after a suitable re- 
turn of thanks for a so gracious offer, he re- 
quired a certain Jack-pudding, whom he had 
seen to act his part most egregiously upon the 
stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew 
not what it was he had spoken, he under- 
stood perfectly enough by the signs and ges- 
ticulations which he had made. And for this 
suit of his, in that he asked nothing else, he 
gave this reason, That in the several wide 
and spacious dominions, which were reduced 
under the sway and authority of his sovereign 
government, there were sundry countries and 
nations much differing from one another in 
language, with whom, whether he was to 
speak unto them, or give any answer to their 
requests, he was always necessitated to make 
use of divers sorts of truchmen and interpret- 
ers. Now with this man alone, sufficient for 
supplying all their places, will that great in- 
conveniency hereafter be totally removed; 
seeing he is such a fine gesticulator, and in 
the practice of chirology an artist so com- 
plete, expert and dexterous, that with his 
very fingers he doth speak. Howsoever, you 
are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf 
by nature, and from his birth; to the end that 
his gestures and signs may be the more vivid- 
ly and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by 
the intermixture of some adulterate lustre and 
affectation. Yet whether this dumb person 
shall be of the male or female sex, is in your 
option, lieth at your discretion, and altogether 
dependeth on your own election. 

I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, 
consult with and be advised by a dumb wom- 
an, were it not that I am afraid of two things. 
The first is, That the greater part of women, 



PANTAGRUEL 



165 



whatever it be that they see, do always rep- 
resent unto their fancies, think and imagine, 
that it hath some relation to the sugared en- 
tering of the goodly ithyphallos, and grafting 
in the cleft of the overturned tree the quick- 
set-imp of the pin of copulation. Whatever 
signs, shews, or gestures we shall make, or 
whatever our behaviour, carriage or demean- 
our shall happen to be in their view and pres- 
ence, they will interpret the whole in refer- 
ence to the act of androgynation, and the cul- 
butizing exercise; by which means we shall 
be abusively disappointed of our designs, in 
regard that she will take all our signs for noth- 
ing else but tokens and representations of our 
desire to entice her unto the lists of a Cy- 
prian combat, or catsenconny skirmish. Do 
you remember what happened at Rome two 
hundred and three-score years after the foun- 
dation thereof? A young Roman gentleman 
encountering by chance at the foot of Mount 
Celion with a beautiful Latin lady named 
Verona, who from her very cradle upwards 
had always been deaf and dumb, very civilly 
asked her, not without a chironomatic Italian- 
ising of his demand, with various jectigation 
of his fingers, and other gesticulations, as yet 
customary amongst the speakers of that coun- 
try, What senators, in her descent from the 
top of the hill, she had met with going up 
thither. For you are to conceive, that he, 
knowing no more of her deafness than dumb- 
ness, was ignorant of both. She in the mean- 
time, who neither heard nor understood so 
much as one word of what he said, straight 
imagined, by all that she could apprehend in 
the lively gesture of his manual signs, that 
what he then required of her was, what her- 
self had a great mind to, even that which a 
young man cloth naturally desire of a woman. 
Then was it, that by signs, which in all occur- 
rences of venereal love are incomparably 
more attractive, valid and efficacious than 
words, she beckoned to him to cornc along 
with her to her house; which when he had 
done, she drew him aside to a privy room, 
and then made a most lively alluring sign un- 
to him, to show that the game did please her. 
Whereupon, without any more advertise- 
ment, or so much as the uttering of one word 
on either side, they fell to, and bringuard- 
ised it lustily. 

The other cause of my being averse from 
consulting with dumb women is, That to our 
signs they would make no answer at all, but 
suddenly fall backwards in a divaricating 



posture, to intimate thereby unto us the real- 
ity of their consent to the supposed motion of 
our tacit demands. Or if they should chance 
to make any counter-signs rcsponsory to our 
propositions, they would prove so foolish, im- 
pertinent, and ridiculous, that by them our- 
selves should easily judge their thoughts to 
have no excursion beyond the duffling acade- 
my. You know very well how at Brignoles, 
when the religious nun, sister Fatbum, was 
made big with child by the young Stiffly- 
stand-to't, her pregnancy came to be known, 
and she, cited by the abbess, and in a full 
convention of the convent, accused of incest. 
Her excuse was, That she did not consent 
thereto, but that it was done by the violence 
and impetuous force of the Friar Stillly-stand- 
to't. Hereto the abbess very austerely reply- 
ing, Thou naughty wicked girl, why didst 
thou not cry A rape, a rape? then should all 
of us have run to thy succour. Her answer 
was, that the rape was committed in the dor- 
tor, where she durst not cry, because it was a 
place of sempiternal silence. But, quoth the 
abbess, thou roguish wench, why didst not 
thou then make some sign to those that were 
in the next chamber beside thcc? To this she 
answered, That with her buttocks she made a 
sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet 
never one of them did so much as offer to 
come to her help and assistance. But, quoth 
the abbess, thou scurvy baggage, why didst 
not thou tell it me immediately after the per- 
petration of the fact, that so we might order- 
ly, regularly, and canonically have accused 
him? I would have done so, had the case been 
mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine 
innocency. I truly, madam, would have done 
the like with all my heart and soul, quoth sis- 
ter Fatbum; but that fearing I should remain 
in sin, and in the hazard of eternal damna- 
tion, if prevented by a sudden death, I did 
confess myself to the father friar before he 
went out of the room, who, for my penance, 
enjoined me not to tell it, or reveal the matter 
unto any. It were a most enormous and horrid 
offence, detestable before God and the an- 
gels, to reveaJ a confession. Such an abomina- 
ble wickedness would have possibly brought 
down fire from heaven, wherewith to have 
burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us all 
headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear com- 
pany with Corah, Dathan, and Abiram. 

You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all 
your jesting, make me laugh. I know that all 
the monks, friars, and nuns, had rather vio- 



166 



RABELAIS 



late and infringe the highest of the com- 
mandments of God, than break the least of 
their provincial statutes. Take you therefore 
Goatsnose, a man very fit for your present 
purpose; for he is, and hath been both dumb 
and deaf from the very remotest infancy of 
his childhood. 

CHAPTER 20 

How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to 
Panurge 

GOATSNOSE being sent for, came the day 
thereafter to Pantagruel's court; at his arrival 
to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half 
of a hog, two puncheons of wine, one load of 
corn, and thirty franks of small money: then 
having brought him before Pantagruel, in 
presence of the gentlemen of the bed-cham- 
ber, he made this sign unto him. He yawned 
a long time, and in yawning made, without 
his mouth, with the thumb of his right hand, 
the figure of the Greek letter Tan, by fre- 
quent reiterations. Afterwards he lifted up 
his eyes heavenwards, then turned them in 
his head, like a she-goat in the painful fit of an 
absolute birth, in doing whereof he did 
cough and sigh exceeding heavily. This done, 
after that he had made demonstration of the 
want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt 
took his placket-racket in a full gripe, making 
it therewith clack very melodiously betwixt 
his thighs: then, no sooner had he with his 
body stooped a little forwards, and bowed 
his left knee, but that immediately thereupon 
holding both his arms on his breast, in a loose 
faint-like posture, the one over the other, he 
paused awhile. Goatsnose looked wistly upon 
him, and having needfully enough viewed 
him all over, he lifted up into the air his left 
hand, the whole fingers whereof he retained 
fist ways closed together, except the thumb 
and the fore-finger, whose nails he softly 
joined and coupled to one another. I under- 
stand, quoth Pantagruel, what he meaneth by 
that sign. It denotes marriage, and withal the 
number thirty, according to the profession of 
the Pythagoreans. You will be married. 
Thanks to you, quoth Panurge, in turning 
himself towards Goatsnose, my little sewer, 
pretty master's mate, dainty baily, curious 
serjeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole leader. 
Then did he lift higher up than before his 
said left hand, stretching out all the five fin- 
gers thereof, and severing them as wide from 
one another as he possibly could get done. 



Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply 
and fully insinuate unto us, by the token 
which he showeth forth of the quinary num- 
ber, that you shall be married. Yea, that you 
shall not only be affianced, betrothed, wed- 
ded, and married, but that you shall further- 
more cohabit, and live jollity and merrily with 
your wife; for Pythagoras called five the nup- 
tial number, which, together with marriage, 
signifieth the consummation of matrimony, 
because it is composed of a ternary, the first 
of the odd, and binary, the first of the even 
numbers, as of a male and female knit and 
united together. In very deed it was the fash- 
ion of old in the city of Rome at marriage fes- 
tivals to light five wax tapers, nor was it per- 
mitted kindle any more at the magnific nup- 
tials of the most potent and wealthy; nor yet 
any fewer at the penurious weddings of the 
poorest and most abject of the world. More- 
over in times past, the heathen, or paynims, 
implored the assistance of five deities, or of 
one, helpful, at least, in five several good of- 
fices to those that were to be married. Of this 
sort were the nuptial Jove; Juno, president of 
the feast the fair Venus; Pitho, the goddess of 
eloquence and persuasion; and Diana, whose 
aid and succour was required to the labour of 
child-bearing. Then shouted Panurge, O the 
gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near 
Cinais, and a wind-mill hard by Mirebalais! 
Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an 
impetuous vehcmency, and huge concussion 
of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing 
himself in so doing with a jerking turn to- 
wards the left hand. By the body of a fox new 
slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that? This 
maketh nothing for your advantage; for he 
betokeneth thereby that your marriage will 
be inauspicious and unfortunate. This sneez- 
ing, according to the doctrine of Terpsion, is 
the Socratic demon. If done towards the right 
side, it imports and portendeth, that boldly, 
and with all assurance, one may go whither 
he will, and do what he listeth, according to 
what deliberation he shall be pleased to have 
thereupon taken: his entries in the beginning, 
progress in his proceedings, and success in 
the events, and issues, will be all lucky, good, 
and happy. The quite contrary thereto is 
thereby implied and presaged, if it be done 
towards the left. You, quoth Panurge, do take 
always the matter at the worst, and continu- 
ally, like another Davus, cast in new disturb- 
ances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I 
know this old paltry Terpsion worthy of cita- 



PANTAGRUEL 



167 



don, but in points only of cozenage and im- 
posture. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Ci- 
cero hath written I know not what to the 
same purpose in his Second Book of Divina- 
tion. 

Panurge then turning himself towards 
Goatsnose made this sign unto him. He in- 
verted his eye-lids upwards, wrenched his 
jaws from the right to the left side, and drew 
forth his tongue half out of his mouth. This 
done, he posited his left hand wholly open, 
the mid-finger wholly excepted, which was 
perpendicularly placed upon the palm there- 
of, and set it just in the room where his cod- 
piece had been. Then did he keep his right 
hand altogether shut up in a fist, save only the 
thumb, which he straight turned backwards 
directly under the right arm-pit, and settled 
it afterwards on that most eminent part of 
the buttocks, which the Arabs call the Al- 
Katim. Suddenly thereafter he made this in- 
ter-change; he held his right hand after the 
manner of the left, and posited it on the place 
wherein his codpiece sometime was, and re- 
taining his left hand in the form and fashion 
of the right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim. 
This altering of hands did he reiterate nine 
several times; at the last whereof he reseated 
his eye-lids into their own first natural posi- 
tion. Then doing the like also with his jaws 
and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon 
Goatsnose, diddering and shivering his chaps, 
as apes use to do now-a-days, and rabbits, 
whilst, almost starved with hunger, they are 
eating oats in the sheaf. 

Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into 
the air his right hand wholly open and dis- 
played, put the thumb thereof, even close un- 
to its first articulation, between the two third 
joints of the middle and ring fingers, pressing 
about the said thumb thereof very hard with 
them both, and, whilst the remainent joints 
were contracted and shrunk in towards the 
wrist, he stretched forth with as much strait- 
ness as he could the fore and little fingers. 
That hand, thus framed and disposed of, he 
laid and posited upon Panurge's navel, mov- 
ing withal continually the aforesaid thumb, 
and bearing up, supporting, or under-prop- 
ping that hand upon the above-specified fore 
and little fingers, as upon two legs. Thereafter 
did he make in this posture his hand by little 
and little, and by degrees and pauses, succes- 
sively to mount from athwart the belly to the 
stomach, from whence he made it to ascend to 
the breast, even upwards to Panurge's neck, 



still gaining ground, till having reached his 
chin, he had put within the concave of his 
mouth his afore-mentioned thumb ; then fierce- 
ly brandishing the whole hand which he made 
to rub and grate against the nose, he heaved 
it further up, and made the fashion, is if with 
the thumb thereof he would have put out his 
eyes. With this Panurge grew a little angry 
and went about to withdraw, and rid himself 
from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil. But 
Goatsnose, in the meantime, prosecuting the 
intended purpose of his prognosticatory re- 
sponse, touched very rudely, with the above- 
mentioned shaking thumb, now his eyes, 
then his forehead, and, after that, the borders 
and corners of his cap. At last Panurge cried 
out, saying, Before God, master-fool, if you 
do not let me alone, or that you will presume 
to vex me any more, you snail receive from 
the best hand I have a mask, wherewith to 
cover your rascally scoundrel face, you paltry 
shitten varlet. Then said Friar John, He is 
deaf and doth not understand what thou say- 
est unto him. Bulli-ballock, make sign to him 
of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle. 

What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this 
busy restless fellow? What is it, that this poly- 
pragmonetic Aliboron to all the fiends of hell 
doth aim at? He hath almost thrust out mine 
eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a 
skillet of butter and eggs. By God, da juran- 
di, 16 I will feast you with flirts and raps on the 
snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs 
and finger fillipings! Then did he leave him in 
giving him by way of salvo a volley of farts 
for his farewell. Goatsnose, perceiving Pan- 
urge thus to slip away from him, got before 
him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to 
stand, made this sign unto him. He let fall his 
right arm toward his knee on the same side as 
low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of 
that hand into a close fist, passed his dexter 
thumb betwixt the foremost and mid-fingers 
thereto belonging. Then scrubbing and 
swinging a little with his left hand alongst, 
and upon the uppermost in the very bough of 
the elbow of the said dexter arm, the whole 
cubit thereof, by leisure fair and softly, at 
these thumpatory warnings, did raise and ele- 
vate itself even to the elbow, and above it; on 
a sudden, did he then let it fall down as low 
as before, and after that, at certain intervals 
and such spaces of time raising and abasing 
it, he made a show thereof to Panurge. This 
so incensed Panurge, that he forthwith lifted 
his hand to have stricken him the dumb roist- 



168 



RABELAIS 



er, and given him a sound whirret on the ear, 
but that the respect and reverence which he 
carried to the presence of Pantagruel re- 
strained his choler, and kept his fury within 
bounds and limits. Then said Pantagruel, If 
the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how 
much more grievously will you be perplexed 
and disquieted with the real things, which by 
them are represented and signified. All truths 
agree, and are consonant with one another. 
This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth 
that you will be married, cuckolded, beaten, 
and robbed. As for the marriage, quoth Pan- 
urge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the 
verity of that point of his prediction; as for 
the rest I utterly abjure and deny it; and be- 
lieve, Sir, I beseech you, if it may please you 
so to do, that in the matter of wives and 
horses never any man was predestinated to a 
better fortune than I. 

CHAPTER 21 

How Panurge comulteth with an old French 
poet, named Raminagrobis 

I NEVER thought, said Pantagruel, to have en- 
countered with any man so headstrong in his 
apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as 
I have found you to be, and see you are. Nev- 
ertheless, the better to clear and extricate 
your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave 
no stone unturned, nor wind unsailed by. 
Take good heed to what I am to say unto you. 
The swans, which are fowls consecrated to 
Apollo, never chant but in the hour of their 
approaching death, especially in the Mean- 
der flood, which is a river that runneth along 
some of the territories of Phrygia. This I say, 
because ^Elianus and Alexander Myndius 
write, that they had seen several swans in 
other places die, but never heard any of them 
sing or chant before their death. However, it 
passcth for current that the imminent death 
of a swan is presaged by his foregoing song, 
and that no swan dieth until preallably he 
have sung. 

After the same manner poets, who are un- 
der the protection of Apollo, when they are 
drawing near their latter end, do ordinarily 
become prophets, and by the inspiration of 
that god sing sweetly, in vaticinating things 
which are to come. It hath been likewise told 
me frequently, that old decrepit men upon 
the brinks of Charon's banks do usher their 
decease with a disclosure, all at ease, to those 
that are desirous of such informations, of the 



determinate and assured truth of future acci- 
dents and contingencies. I remember also 
that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, 
calleth the old folks Sibyls, EW 6 ykpuv St|8- 
uXXi. For as when, being upon a pier by the 
shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring 
men, and other travellers alongst the curled 
waves of azure Thetis within their ships, we 
then consider them in silence only, and sel- 
dom proceed any further than to wish them a 
happy and prosperous arrival: but, when they 
do approach near to the haven, and come to 
wet their keels within their harbour, then both 
with words and gestures we salute them, and 
heartily congratulate their access safe to the 
port wherein we are ourselves. Just so the an- 
gels, heroes, and good demons, according to 
the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see 
mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the 
grave, as the most sure and calmest port of 
any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, 
free from the troubles and solicitudes of this 
tumultuous and tempestuous world; then is 
it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, 
cherish and comfort them, and, speaking to 
them lovingly, begin even then to bless them 
with illuminations, and to communicate unto 
them the abstrusest mysteries of divination. I 
will not offer here to confound your memory 
by quoting antique examples of Isaac, of 
Jacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hec- 
tor towards Achilles, of Polymnestor towards 
Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the Rhodian re- 
nowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian 
towards Alexander the Great, of Orodes to- 
wards Mezentius, and of many others. It shall 
suffice for the present, that I commemorate 
unto you the learned and valiant knight and 
cavalier William of Bellay, late Lord of Lan- 
gey, who died on the Hill of Tarara, the l()th 
of January, in the climacteric year of his age, 
and of our supputation 1543, according to 
the Roman account. The last three or four 
hours of his life he did employ in the serious 
utterance of a very pithy discourse, whilst 
with a clear judgment, and spirit void of all 
trouble, he did foretell several important 
things, whereof a great deal is come to pass, 
and the rest we wait for. Howbeit, his proph- 
ecies did at that time seem unto us somewhat 
strange, absurd, and unlikely; because there 
did not then appear any sign of efficacy 
enough to engage our faith to the belief of 
what he did prognosticate. We have here near 
to the town of Villaumere, a man that is both 
old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who 



PANTAGRUEL 



169 



to his second wife espoused my Lady Broad- 
sow, on whom he begot the fair Basoche. It 
hath been told me he is a dying, and so near 
unto his latter end, that he is almost upon the 
very last moment, point, and article thereof. 
Repair thither as fast as you can, and be 
ready to give an attentive ear to what he shall 
chant unto you. It may be, that you shall ob- 
tain from him what you desire, and that 
Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear 
your scruples. I am content, quoth Panurge. 
Let us go thither, Epistemon, and that both 
instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his 
death prevent our coming. Wilt thou come 
along with us, Friar John? Yes, that I will, 
quoth Friar John, right heartily to do thee a 
courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I love thee 
with the best of my milt and liver. 

Thereupon, incontinently, without any fur- 
ther lingering, to the way they all three 
went, and quickly thereafter for they made 
good speed arriving at the poetical habita- 
tion, they found the jolly old man, albeit in 
the agony of his departure from this world, 
looking cheerfully, with an open counte- 
nance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of 
alacrity. After that Panurge had very civilly 
saluted him, he in a free gift did present him 
with a gold ring, which he even then put up- 
on the medical finger of his left hand, in the 
collet or bezle whereof was inchased an ori- 
ental sapphire, very fair and large. Then, in 
imitation of Socrates, did he make an obla- 
tion unto him of a fair white cock; which was 
no sooner set upon the tester of his bed, than 
that with a high raised head and crest, lustily 
shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentori- 
phonically loud. This done, Panurge very 
courteously required of him, that he would 
vouchsafe to favour him with the grant and 
report of his sense and judgment touching the 
future destiny of his intended marriage. For 
answer hereto, when the honest old man had 
forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to 
be brought unto him, and that he was at the 
same call conveniently served with all the 
three, he wrote these following verses : 

Take, or not take her, 

Off, or on: 

Handy-dandy is your lot. 
When her name you write, you blot. 

'Tis undone, when all is done, 
Ended e'er it was begun : 
Hardly gallop, if you trot, 



Set not forward when you run, 
Nor be single, though alone, 
Take, or not take her. 

Before you eat begin to fast; 
For what shall be was never past. 
Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath: 
Then wish at once her life and death. 
Take, or not take her. 

These lines he gave out of his own hands 
unto them, saying unto them, Go, my lads, in 
peace, the great God of the highest heavens 
be your guardian and preserver; and do not 
offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with 
this or any other business whatsoever. I have 
this same very day, which is the last both of 
May and of me, with a great deal of labour, 
toil, and difficulty, chased out of my house a 
rabble of filthy, unclean, and plaguily pesti- 
lentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, 
white, ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul ver- 
min of other hues, whose obtrusive impor- 
tunity would not permit me to die at my own 
ease; for by fraudulent and deceitful prick- 
lings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, wasp- 
ish stingings, and such-like unwelcome ap- 
proaches, forged in the shop of I know not 
what kind of insurabilities, they went about 
to withdraw, and call me out of those sweet 
thoughts, wherein I was already beginning 
to repose myself, and acquiesce in the con- 
templation and vision, yea, almost in the very 
touch and taste of the happiness and felicity 
which the good God hath prepared for his 
faithful saints and elect in the other life, and 
state of immortality. Turn out of their courses, 
and eschew them, step forth of their ways, 
and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me 
be no more troubled by you, but leave me 
now in silence, I beseech you. 

CHAPTER 22 

How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the 
order of the begging Friars 

PANURGE, at his issuing forth of Raminagro- 
bis's chamber said, as if he had been horribly 
affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe 
that he is an heretic; the devil take me, if I 
do not! he doth so villanously rail at the 
mendicant friars and Jacobins, who are the 
two hemispheres of the Christian world; by 
whose gyronomonic 17 circumbilivaginations, 
as by two celivagous 18 filopendulums, 19 all 
the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Rom- 



170 



RABELAIS 



ish church, when tottering and emblustricat- 
ed with the gibble gabble gibberish of this 
odious error and heresy, is homocentrically 
poised. But what harm, in the devil's name, 
have these poor devils the Capuchins and 
Minims done unto him? Are not these beg- 
garly devils sufficiently wretched already? 
Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the 
very extracts of Ichthyophagy, are not thor- 
oughly enough besmokedand besmeared with 
misery, distress, and calamity? Dost thou 
think, Friar John, by thy faith, that he is in 
the state of salvation? He goeth, before God, 
as surely damned to thirty thousand baskets 
full of devils, as a pruning-bill to the lopping 
of a vine-branch. To revile with opprobrious 
speeches the good and courageous props and 
pillars of the church, is that to be called a 
poetical fury? I cannot rest satisfied with him, 
he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against 
the true religion. I am very much offended at 
his scandalizing words and contumelious ob- 
loquy. I do not care a straw, quoth Friar 
John, for what he hath said; for although ev- 
erybody should twit and jerk them, it were 
but a just retaliation, seeing all persons are 
served by them with the like sauce; therefore 
do I pretend no interest therein. Let us see 
nevertheless what he hath written. Panurge 
very attentively read the paper which the old 
man had penned, then said to his two fellow- 
travellers, The poor drinker doteth. Howso- 
ever, I excuse him, for that I believe he is 
now drawing near to the end, and final clo- 
sure of his life. Let us go make his epitaph. 
By the answer which he hath given us, I am 
not, I protest, one jot wiser than I was. 
Hearken here, Epistemon, my little bully, 
clost not thou hold him to be very resolute in 
his responsory verdicts? He is a witty, quick, 
and subtle sophister. I will lay an even wag- 
er, that he is a miscreant apostate. By the bel- 
ly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be 
mistaken in his words. He answered but by 
disjunctives, therefore can it not be true 
which he saith; for the verity of such like 
propositions is inherent only in one of its two 
members. O the cozening prattler that he is! 
I wonder if Santiago of Bressure be one of 
these cogging shirks. Such was of old, quoth 
Epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticina- 
tor and prophet Tiresias, who used always, by 
way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at 
the beginning of his divinations and predic- 
tions, That what he was to tell would either 
come to pass or not. And such is truly the 



style of all prudently presaging prognostica- 
tors. He was nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so 
unfortunately misadventurous in the lot of his 
own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his 
eyes. 

Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely 
out of a spite and spleen for having pro- 
nounced his award more veritably than she, 
upon the question which was merrily pro- 
posed by Jupiter. But, quoth Panurge, what 
arch-devil is it, that hath possessed this Mas- 
ter Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, and 
without any occasion, he should have so snap- 
pishly, and bitterly inveighed against these 
poor honest fathers, Jacobins, minors, arid 
minims? It vexeth me grievously, I assure 
you; nor am I able to conceal my indigna- 
tion. He hath transgressed most enormously; 
his soul goeth infallibly to thirty thousand 
panniers full of devils. I understand you not, 
quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very 
much, that you should so absurdly and per- 
versely interpret that of the friar mendicants, 
which by the harmless poet was spoken of 
black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other 
coloured animals. He is not in my opinion 
guilty of such a sophistical and fantastic al- 
legory, as by that phrase of his to have 
meaned the begging brothers. He in down- 
right terms speaketh absolutely and properly 
of fleas, punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and 
other such like scurvy vermin, whereof some 
are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, 
some tawny, and some brown and dusky, all 
noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, 
and unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and 
diseased folks, but to those also who are of a 
sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament 
and constitution. It is not unlike, that he may 
have the ascarids, and the lumbrics, and 
worms within the entrails of his body. Possi- 
bly doth he suffer, as it is frequent and usual 
amongst the Egyptians, together with all 
those who inhabit the Erythrasan confines, 
and dwell along the shores and coasts of the 
Red Sea, some sour prickings, and smart 
stingings in his arms and legs of those little 
speckled dragons, which the Arabians call 
Meden. You are to blame for offering to ex- 
pound his words otherwise, and wrong the in- 
genious poet, and outrageously abuse and 
miscall the said fraters, by an imputation of 
baseness undeservedly laid to their charge. 
We still should, in such like discourses of fatil- 
oquent soothsayers, interpret all things to the 
best. Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how 



PANTAGRUEL 



171 



to discern flics among milk, or show your fa- 
ther the way how to beget children? He is, by 
the virtue of god, an arrant heretic, a resolute 
formal heretic; I say, a rooted riveted com- 
bustible heretic, one as fit to burn as the little 
wooden clock at Rochel. His soul goeth to 
thirty thousand carts full of devils. Would 
you know whither? Cocks-body, my friend, 
straight under Proserpina's close stool, to the 
very middle of the self-same infernal pan, 
within which, she, by an cxcrementitious 
exacuation, voideth the fecal stuff of her stink- 
ing clysters, and that just upon the left side of 
the great cauldron of three fathom height, 
hard by the claws and talons of Lucifer, in the 
very darkest of the passage which leadeth to- 
wards the back chamber of Demogorgon. O 
the villain! 

CHAPTER 23 

How Panurge rtidkcth a motion of a return to 
Raminagrobis 

LET us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, 
to the uttermost of our abilities, to ply him 
with wholesome admonitions, for the further- 
ance of his salvation. Let us go back for God's 
sake, let us go in the name of God. It will be 
a very meritorious work, and of great charity 
in us to deal so in the matter, and provide so 
well for him, that albeit he come to lose both 
body and life, he may at least escape the risk 
and danger of the eternal damnation of his 
soul. We will by our holy persuasions bring 
him to a sense and feeling of his escapes, in- 
duce him to acknowledge his faults, move 
him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and 
stir up in him such a sincere contrition of 
heart for his offences, as will prompt him with 
all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg par- 
don at the hands of the good fathers, as well 
of the absent, as of such as are present. 
Whereupon we will take instrument formally 
and authentically extended, to the end he be 
not, after his decease, declared an heretic, 
and condemned, as were the hobgoblins of 
the provost's wife of Orleans, to the undergo- 
ing of such punishments, pains, and tortures, 
as are due to, and inflicted on those that in- 
habit the horrid cells of the infernal regions : 
and withal incline, instigate, and persuade 
him to bequeath, and leave in legacy, (by 
way of an amends and satisfaction for tne out- 
rage and injury done to those good religious 
fathers, throughout all the convents, clois- 
ters, and monasteries of this province, ) many 



pittances, a great deal of mass-singing, store 
of obits, and that sempiternally, on the anni- 
versary day of his decease, every one of them 
all to be furnished with a quintuple allow- 
ance, and that the great borrachoe, replen- 
ished with the best liquor, trudge apace 
along the tables, as well of the young duck- 
ling monkitoes, lay-brothers, and lowermost 
degree of the abbey-lubbards, as of the 
learned priests, and reverend clerks, the 
very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto 
the order being equally admitted to the bene- 
fit of those funerary and obsequial festivals, 
with the aged rectors, and professed fathers. 
This is the surest ordinary means, whereby 
from God he may obtain forgiveness. 

Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken, I digress from 
the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if 
my spirits were a woolgathering. The devil 
take me if I go thither! Virtue God! the cham- 
ber is already full of devils. O what a swinge- 
ing, thwacking noise is now amongst them! O 
the terrible coil that they keep! Hearken, do 
you not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of 
their strokes and blows, as they scuffle one 
with another, like true devils indeed, who 
shall gulp up the Kaminagrobis soul, and be 
the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to Mon- 
sieur Lucifer? Beware, and get you hence: for 
my part I will not go thither. The devil roast 
me if I go! Who knows but that these hungry 
mad devils may in the haste of their rage, and 
fury of their impatience, take a qui for a quo, 
and instead of Raminagrobis, snatch up poor 
Panurge frank and free? Though formerly 
when I was deep in debt, they always failed. 
Get you hence! I will not go thither. Before 
God, the very bare apprehension thereof is 
like to kill me. To be in the place where there 
are greedy, famished, and hunger-starved 
devils; amongst factious devils amidst trad- 
ing and trafficking devils O the Lord pre- 
serve me! Get you hence, I dare pawn my 
credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Car- 
melite, Capuchin, Theatin, or Minim, will be- 
stow any personal presence at his interment. 
The wiser they because he hath ordained 
nothing for them in his latter will and testa- 
ment. The devil take me, if I go thither. If he 
be damned, to his own loss and hindrance be 
it. What the deuce moved him to be so snap- 
pish and depravedly bent against the good 
fathers of the true religion? Why did he cast 
them off, reject them, and drive them quite 
out of his chamber, even in that very nick of 
time when he stood in greatest need of the 



172 



RABELAIS 



aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout 
prayers, and holy admonitions? Why did not 
he by testament leave them, at least, some 
jolly lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a 
parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, and a little 
belly-timber, and provision for the guts of 
these poor folks, who have nothing but their 
life in this world? Let him go thither who 
will; the devil take me, if I go; for, if I should, 
the devil would not fail to snatch me up. Can- 
cro. Ho, the pox! Get you hence, Friar John, 
art thou content that thirty thousand wain- 
load of devils should get away with thee at 
this same very instant? If thou be, at my re- 
quest do these three things. First, give me thy 
purse; for besides that thy money is marked 
with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to 
charms, the same may befall to thee, which 
not long ago happened to John Dodin, col- 
lector of the excise of Coudray, at the ford of 
Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. 
This monied fellow, meeting at the very brink 
of the bank of the ford with Friar Adam 
Crankcod, a Franciscan Observatin of Mire- 
beau, promised him a new frock, provided 
that, in the transporting of him over the wa- 
ter he would bear him upon his neck and 
shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead 
goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed stur- 
dy rogue. The condition being agreed upon, 
Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his 
very ballocks, and layeth upon his back, like 
a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of the 
said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him 
gaily and with a good will, (as /Eneas bore 
his father Anchises through the conflagration 
of Troy, ) singing in the meanwhile a pretty 
Ave Maris Stella. 20 When they were in the 
very deepest place of all the ford, a little 
above the master-wheel of the water-mill, he 
asked if he had any coin about him. Yes, 
quoth Dodin, a whole bag full; and that he 
needed not to mistrust his ability in the per- 
formance of the promise, which he had made 
unto him, concerning a new frock. How? 
quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knewest well 
enough, that by the express rules, canons, and 
injunctions of our order, we are forbidden to 
carry about us any kind of money. Thou art 
truly unhappy, for having made me in this 
point to commit a heinous trespass. Why didst 
thou not leave thy purse with the miller? With- 
out fail thou shalt presently receive thy reward 
for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold 
on thee within the limits of our chancel at 
Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even 



to the Vitulos 21 With this, suddenly discharg- 
ing himself of his burden, he throws me 
down your Dodin headlong. Take example by 
this Dodin, my dear friend, Friar John, to the 
end that the devils may the better carry thee 
away at thine own ease. Give me thy purse. 
Carry no manner of cross upon thee. Therein 
lieth an evident and manifestly apparent dan- 
ger. For, if you have any silver coined with a 
cross upon it, they will cast thee down head- 
long upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do 
with the tortoises for the breaking of their 
shells, as the bald pate of the poet /Eschy- 
lus can sufficiently bear witness. Such a fall 
would hurt thee very sore, my sweet bully, 
and I would be sorry for it. Or otherwise they 
will let thee fall, and tumble down into the 
high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I 
know not where; but, I warrant thee, far 
enough hence, as Icarus fell; which from thy 
name would afterwards get the denomination 
of the Funnelian sea. 

Secondly, Be out of debt. For the devils 
carry a great liking to those that are out of 
debt. I have sore felt the experience thereof 
in mine own particular; for now the lecherous 
varlets are always wooing me, courting me, 
and making much of me, which they never 
did when I was all to pieces. The soul of one in 
debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. 

Thirdly, with thy cowl and Domino de 
Grobis, 22 return to Raminagrobis; and in case 
being thus qualified, thirty thousand boats 
full of devils forthwith come out to carry thee 
quite away, I shall be content to be at the 
charge of paying for the pint and faggot. 
Now, if for the more security thou wouldst 
have some associate to bear thee company, 
let not me be the comrade thou searchest for; 
think not to get a fellow-traveller of me, 
nay, do not. I advise thee for the best. Get 
you hence; I will not go thither; the devil 
take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the 
fright that you are in, quoth Friar John, I 
would not care so much, as might possibly be 
expected I should, if I once had but my sword 
in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the nail on 
the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a 
learned doctor, subtle and well-skilled in the 
art of devilry. At the time when I was a stu- 
dent in the University of Toulouse, that same 
reverend father in the devil, Picatrix, rector 
of the Diabological Faculty, was wont to tell 
us, that the devils did naturally fear the 
bright glancing of swords, as much as the 
splendour and light of the sun. In confirm a- 



PANTAGRUEL 



173 



tion of the verity whereof, he related this 
story, that Hercules, at his descent into hell 
to all the devils of those regions, did not by 
half so much terrify them with his club and 
lion's skin, as afterwards ^Eneas did with his 
clear shining armour upon him, and his sword 
in his hand well furbished and unrusted, by 
the aid, council, and assistance of the Sibylla 
Cumana. That was perhaps the reason why 
the senior John James Trivolse, whilst he was 
a dying at Chartres, called for his cutlass, and 
died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying 
about him alongst and athwart around the 
bed, and everywhere within his reach, like a 
stout, doughty, valorous, and knight-like cav- 
alier; by which resolute manner of fence he 
scared away and put to flight all the devils 
that were then lying in wait for his soul at the 
passage of his death. When the Massorets 
and Cabalists are asked, Why it is that none 
of all the devils do at any time enter into the 
terrestrial paradise? their answer has been, is, 
and will be still, That there is a cherubim 
standing at the gate thereof with a flame-like 
glistering sword in his hand. Although, to 
speak in the true diabological sense or phrase 
of Toledo, I must needs confess and acknowl- 
edge, that veritably the devils cannot be 
killed, or die by the stroke of a sword: I do 
nevertheless avow and maintain, according to 
the doctrine of the said Diabology, that they 
may suffer a solution of continuity, (as if with 
thy shable thou shouldest cut athwart the 
flame of a burning fire, or the gross opacous 
exhalations of a thick and obscure smoke,) 
and cry out, like very devils, at their sense and 
feeling of this dissolution, which in real deed 
I must aver and affirm is devilishly painful, 
smarting, and dolorous. 

When thou scest the impetuous shock of 
two armies, and vehement violence of the 
push in their horrid encounter with one an- 
other, dost thou think, Ballockasso, that so 
horrible a noise as is heard there, proceedeth 
from the voice and shouts of men? the dash- 
ing and jolting of harness? the clattering and 
clashing of armies? the hacking and slashing 
of battleaxes? the justling and crashing of 
pikes? the bustling and breaking of lances? 
the clamour and shrieks of the wounded? the 
sound and din of drums? the clangour and 
shrillness of trumpets? the neighing and rush- 
ing in of horses? with the fearful claps and 
thundering of all sorts of guns, from the dou- 
ble cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively? I 
cannot, goodly, deny, but that in these vari- 



ous things which I have rehearsed there may 
be somewhat occasionative of the huge yell 
and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies. 
But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and 
stir, the terriblest and most boisterous garboil 
and hurry, the chiefest rustling Black San- 
tus of all, and most principal hurly burly, 
springcth from the grievously plangorous 
howling and lowing of devils, who, pell-mell, 
in a hand-over-head confusion, waiting for 
the poor souls of the maimed and hurt sol- 
diery, receive unawares some strokes with 
swords, and so by those means suffer a solu- 
tion of, and division in, the continuity of 
their aerial and invisible substances: as if 
some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices, 
stuck in a piece of roast meat on the spit, 
should get from Mr. Greasy fist a good rap on 
the knuckles with a cudgel. They cry out and 
shout like devils, even as Mars did, when he 
was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of Troy, 
who, as Homer testifieth of him, did then 
raise his voice more horrifically loud, and so- 
noriferously high, than ten thousand men to- 
gether would have been able to do. What 
maketh all this for our present purpose? I 
have been speaking here of well-furbished 
armour and bright shining swords. But so is 
it not, Friar John, with thy weapon; for by a 
long discontinuance of work, cessation from 
labour, desisting from making it officiate, and 
putting it into that practice wherein it had 
been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, 
for want of occupation, it is, upon my faith, 
become more rusty than the key-hole of an 
old powdering-tub. Therefore it is expedient 
that you do one of these two things, either 
furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought 
to be, or otherwise have a care, that, in the 
rusty case it is in, you do not presume to re- 
turn to the house of Raminagrobis. For my 
part, I vow I will not go thither. The devil 
take me if I go. 

CHAPTER 24 

How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon 

HAVING left the town of Villaumere, as they 
were upon their return towards Pantagruel, 
Panurge, in addressing his discourses to Epis- 
temon, spoke thus. My most ancient friend 
and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my 
thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the 
removal thereof; art thou not able to help and 
succour me? Epistemon, thereupon taking 
the speech in hand, represented unto Pan- 



174 



RABELAIS 



urge, how the open voice and common fame 
of the whole country did run upon no other 
discourse, but the derision and mockery of 
his new disguise; whereof his counsel unto 
him was, that he would in the first place be 
pleased to make use of a little hellebore, for 
the purging of his brain of that peccant hu- 
mour, which through that extravagant and 
fantastic mummery of his had furnished the 
people with a too just occasion of flouting and 
gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next 
he would resume his ordinary fashion of ac- 
coutrement, and go apparelled as he was 
wont to do. I am, quoth Panurge, my dear 
gossip Epistemon, of a mind and resolution to 
marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold, and 
to be unfortunate in my wedlock. For this 
cause have I made a vow to young St. Fran- 
cis, who a t Plcssis le Tours is much rever- 
enced of all women, earnestly cried unto by 
them, and with great devotion; for he was the 
first founder of the confraternity of good 
men, whom they naturally covet, affect, and 
long for: to wear spectacles in my cap, and 
to carry no codpiece in my breeches, until the 
present inquietude and perturbation of my 
spirits be fully settled. 

Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty 
jolly vow, of thirteen to a dozen. It is a shame 
to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do 
not return unto yourself, and recall your 
senses from this their wild swerving and 
straying abroad, to that rest and stillness 
which becomes a virtuous man. This whimsi- 
cal conceit of yours brings me to the remem- 
brance of a solemn promise made by the 
shaghaired Argives, who, having in their con- 
troversy against the Lacedaemonians for the 
territory of Thyrea, lost the battle, which 
they hoped should have decided it for their 
advantage, vowed to carry never any hair on 
their heads, till preallably they had recovered 
the loss of both their honour and lands. As 
likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleas- 
ant Spaniard called Michael Doris, who 
vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the skin 
of his leg, till he should be revenged of him 
who had struck it off. Yet do not I know 
which of these two deserveth most to wear a 
green and yellow hood with a hare's ears tied 
to it, either the aforesaid vain-glorious cham- 
pion, or that Enguerrant, who, having forgot 
the art and manner of writing histories, set 
down by the Samosatian philosopher, mak- 
eth a most tediously long narrative and rela- 
tion thereof. For, at the first reading of such 



a profuse discourse, one would think it had 
been broached for the introducing of a story 
of great importance and moment concerning 
the waging of some formidable war, or the 
notable change and mutation of potent states 
and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world 
laugheth at the capricious champion, at the 
Englishman who had affronted him, as also 
at their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling 
at the mouth than a mustard pot. The jest and 
scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the 
mountain of Horace, which by the poet was 
made to cry out and lament most enormous- 
ly, as a woman in the pangs and labour of 
child-birth, at which deplorable and exorbi- 
tant cries and lamentations the whole neigh- 
bourhood being assembled in expectation to 
see some marvellous monstrous production, 
could at last perceive no other but the paltry 
ridiculous mouse. 

Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not 
make me leave my musing, why folks should 
be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am cer- 
tainly persuaded that some flout, who merit 
to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so 
will I do. It is now a long time since, by Jupi- 
ter, we did swear faith and amity to one an- 
other. Give me your advice, billy, and tell me 
your own opinion freely, should I marry or 
no? Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is haz- 
ardous, and the danger so eminently appar- 
ent, that I find myself too weak and insuffi- 
cient to give you a punctual and peremptory 
resolution therein; and if ever it was true, 
that judgment is difficult in matters of the 
medicinal art, what was said by Hippocrates 
of Lango, it is certainly so in this case. True 
it is, that in my biain there are some rolling 
fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be 
pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the dis- 
entangling your mind of those dubious appre- 
hensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they 
do not thoroughly satisfy me. Some of the 
Platonic sect affirm, that whosoever is able to 
see his proper Genius, may know his own 
destiny. I understand not their doctrine, nor 
do I think that you adhere to them; there is a 
palpable abuse. I have seen the experience of 
it in a very curious gentleman of the country 
of Estangourre. This is one of the points. 
There is yet another not much better. If there 
were any authority now in the oracles of Jupi- 
ter Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, 
Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres, Preneste, Ly- 
cia, Colophon, or in the Castilian Fountain; 
near Antiochia in Syria, between the Bran- 



PANTAGRUEL 



175 



chidians; of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury 
in Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; of 
Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in Menalia, 
and Albunca near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Or- 
chomenus; of Mopsus in Cilicia; of Orpheus 
in Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; I 
would in that case advise you, and possibly 
not, to go thither for their judgment concern- 
ing the design and enterprise you have in 
hand. But you know that they are all of them 
become as dumb as so many fishes, since the 
advent of that Saviour King, whose coming 
to this world hath made all oracles and 
prophecies to cease; as the approach of the 
sun's radiant beams expelleth goblins, bug- 
bears, hob-thrushes, broarns, screech owl- 
mates, night-walking spirits, and tenebrions. 
These now are gone; but although they were 
as yet in continuance and in the same power, 
rule, and request that formerly they were, yet 
would not I counsel you to be too credulous 
in putting any trust in their responses. Too 
many folks have been deceived thereby. It 
stands, furthermore, upon record, how Ag- 
rippina did charge the fair Lollia with the 
crime of having interrogated the oracle of 
Apollo Clarius, to understand if she should 
be at any time married to the Emperor Clau- 
dius: for which cause she was at first ban- 
ished, and thereafter put to a shameful and 
ignominious death. 

But, saith Panurge, let us do better; the 
Ogygian Islands are not far distant from the 
haven of Sammalo. Let us, after that we shall 
have spoken to our king, make a voyage thith- 
er. In one of these four isles, to wit that which 
hath its primest aspect towards the sun set- 
ting, it is reported, and I have read in good 
antique and authentic authors, that there re- 
side many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vati- 
cinators, prophets, and diviners of things to 
come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, 
bound with fair chains of gold, and within 
the concavity of a golden rock, being nour- 
ished with divine ambrosia and nectar, which 
are daily in great store and abundance trans- 
mitted to him from the heavens, by I do not 
well know what kind of fowls, it may be that 
they are the same ravens, which in the des- 
erts are said to have fed St. Paul, the first her- 
mit, he very clearly foretelleth unto every 
one, who is desirous to be certified of the con- 
dition of his lot, what his destiny will be, arid 
what future chance the fates have ordained 
for him; for the Parcre, or Weird Sisters, do 
not twist, spin, or draw out a thread, nor yet 



doth Jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate 
any thing, which the good old celestial father 
knoweth not to the full, even whilst he is 
asleep. This will be a very summary abbrevi- 
ation of our labour, if we but hearken unto 
him a little upon the serious debate and can- 
vassing of this my perplexity. That is, an- 
swered Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a 
plain abuse and fib too fabulous. I will not go, 
not I, I will not go. 

CHAPTER 25 

How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa 

NEVERTHELESS, quoth Epistemon, continu- 
ing his discourse, I will tell you what you may 
do, if you believe me, before we return to our 
king. Hard by here, in the Brown-wheat 
[Boucharl] Island, dwelleth Her Trippa. You 
know how by the arts of astrology, gcoman- 
cy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others of 
a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all 
things to come; let us talk a little, and confer 
with him about your business. Of that, an- 
swered Panurge, I know nothing: but of this 
much concerning him I am assured, that one 
day, and that not long since, whilst he was 
prating to the great king, of celestial, sub- 
lime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys 
and footboys of the court, upon the upper 
steps of stairs between two doors, jummed, 
one after another, as often as they listed, his 
wife; who is passable fair, and a pretty snug 
hussy. Thus he who seemed very clearly to 
see all heavenly and terrestrial things without 
spectacles, who discoursed boldly of adven- 
tures passed, with great confidence opened 
up present cases and accidents, and stoutly 
professed the presaging of all future events 
and contingencies, was not able with all the 
skill and cunning that he had to perceive the 
bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to 
be very chaste; and hath not till this hour got 
notice of anything to the contrary. Yet let us 
go to him, seeing you will have it so; for sure- 
ly we can never learn too much. They on the 
very next ensuing day came to Her Trippa's 
lodging. Panurge by way of donative, pre- 
sented him with a long gown lined all through 
with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted 
with a gilded hilt, and covered with a velvet 
scabbard, and with fifty good single angels: 
then in a familiar and friendly way did he ask 
of him his opinion touching the affair. At the 
very first Her Trippa, looking on him very 
wistly in the face, said unto him: Thou hast 



176 



RABELAIS 



the metaposcopy, and physiognomy of a cuck- 
old, I say, of a notorious and infamous cuck- 
old. With this, casting an eye upon Panurge's 
right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, 
This rugged draught which I see here, just 
under the mount of Jove, was never yet but in 
the hand of a cuckold. Afterwards, he with a 
white lead pen swiftly and hastily drew a 
certain number of divers kinds of points, 
which by rules of geomancy he coupled and 
joined together, then said: Truth itself is not 
truer, than that it is certain, thou wilt be a 
cuckold, a little after thy marriage. That be- 
ing done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope 
of his nativity; which was no sooner by Pan- 
urge tendered unto him, than that, erecting a 
figure, he very promptly and speedily formed 
and fashioned a complete fabric of the houses 
of heaven, in all their parts, whereof when he 
had considered the situation and the aspects 
in their triplicities, he fetched a deep sigh, 
and said; I have clearly enough already dis- 
covered unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, 
which is unavoidable, you cannot escape it. 
And here have I got new and further assur- 
ance thereof, so that I may now hardly pro- 
nounce, and affirm without any scruple or 
hesitation at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; 
that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten by thine 
own wife, and that she will purloin, filch, 
and steal of thy goods from thee; for I find 
the seventh house in all its aspects, of a mal- 
ignant influence, and every one of the planets 
threatening thee with disgrace, according as 
they stand seated towards one another, in re- 
lation to the horned signs of Aries, Taurus, 
and Capricorn. In the fourth house I find Jupi- 
ter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal as- 
pect to Saturn, associated with Mercury. Thou 
wilt be soundly peppered, my good honest 
fellow, I warrant thee. I will be? answered 
Panurge. A plague rot thee, thou old fool, 
and doating sot, how graceless and unpleas- 
ant thou art! When all cuckolds shall be at a 
general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their 
standard-bearer. But whence comes this ci- 
ron-worm betwixt these two fingers? This 
Panurge said, putting the fore finger of his 
left hand betwixt the fore and mid finger of 
the right, which he thrust out towards Her 
Trippa, holding them open after the manner 
of two horns, and shutting into his fist his 
thumb with the other fingers. Then, in turn- 
ing to Epistemon, he said, Lo here the true 
Olus of Martial, who addicted and devoted 
himself wholly to the observing the miseries, 



crosses, and calamities of others, whilst his 
own wife, in the interim, did keep an open 
bawdy-house. This varlet is poorer than ever 
was Irus, and yet he is proud, vaunting, ar- 
rogant, self-conceited, over-weening, and 
more insupportable than seventeen devils; in 
one word, IlrcoxaXdfcov, which term of old 



was applied to the like beggarly strutting cox- 
combs. Come, let us leave this madpash bed- 
lam, this hair-brained fop, and give him leave 
to rave and doze his bellyfull, with his pri- 
vate and intimately acquainted devils; who, 
if they were not the very worst of all infernal 
fiends, would never have deigned to serve 
such a knavish, barking cur as this is. He hath 
not learnt the first precept of philosophy, 
which is, Know tliyself; for, whilst he brag- 
geth and boasteth, that he can discern the 
least mote in the eye of another, he is not able 
to see the huge block that puts out the sight 
of both his eyes. This is such another Poly- 
pragmori, as is by Plutarch described. He is 
of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in 
foreign places, in the houses of strangers, in 
public and amongst the common people, had 
a sharper and more piercing inspection into 
their affairs than any lynx; but at home in 
their own proper dwelling-mansions were 
blinder than mold-warps, and saw nothing at 
all. For their custom was, at their return from 
abroad, when they were by themselves in pri- 
vate, to take their eyes out of their head, from 
whence they were as easily removable, as a 
pair of spectacles from their nose, and to lay 
them up into a wooden slipper, which for 
that purpose did hang behind the door of 
their lodging. 

Panurge had no sooner done speaking, 
when Her Trippa took into his hand a tama- 
risk branch. In this, quoth Epistemon, he 
doth very well, right, and like an artist, for 
Nicander calleth it the Divinatory tree. Have 
you a mind, quoth Her Trippa, to have the 
truth of the matter yet more fully and amply 
disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aero- 
mancy, whereof Aristophanes in his Clouds 
maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by 
lecanomancy, 24 of old in prime request 
amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly tried 
by Hermolaus Barbarus? Come hither, and 
I will show thee in this platter full of fair 
fountain water, thy. future wife, lechering 
and sercroupierising it with two swaggering 
ruffians, one after another. Yea, but have a 
special care, quoth Panurge, when thou com- 
est to put thy nose within mine arse, that thou 



PANTAGRUEL 



177 



forget not to pull off thy spectacles. Her Trip- 
pa, going on in his discourse, said, By catop- 
tromancy, 25 likewise held in such account by 
the Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means 
thereof he ever and anon foresaw all that 
which at any time did happen or befall unto 
him. Thou shalt not need to put on thy spec- 
tacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as 
clearly and manifestly nebrundiated, and bil- 
libodring it, as if I should show it in the foun- 
tain of the temple of Minerva, near Patras. 
By coscinomancy, 26 most religiously observed 
of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient 
Romans. Let us have sieve and shears, and 
thou shalt see devils. By alphitomancy, 27 
cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria. 
By aleuromancy, mixing the flower of wheat 
with oatmeal. By astragalomancy, 28 whereof 
I have the plots and models all at hand ready 
for the purpose. By tyromancy, 29 whereof 
we make some proof in a great Brehemont 
cheese, which I here keep by me. By gyro- 
mancy, if thou shouldest turn round circles, 
thou mightest assure thyself from me, that 
they would fall always on the wrong side. By 
sternomancy, 30 which maketh nothing for thy 
advantage, for thou hast an ill proportioned 
stomach. By libanomancy, 31 for the which we 
shall need but a little frankincense. By gas- 
tromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency 
was for a long time together used in Ferrara 
by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the Engastri- 
mythian prophetess. By ccphalomancy, often 
practised amongst the High Germans, in 
their boiling of an ass's head upon burning 
coals. By ceromancy, where, by the means of 
wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see the 
figure, portrait, and lively representation of 
thy future wife, and of her fredin frcdalia- 
tory belly-thumping blades. By capnoman- 
cy, 32 O the gallantest and most excellent of 
all secrets! By axionomancy; we want only a 
hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together 
upon a quick fire of hot embers. O how 
bravely Homer was versed in the practice 
hereof towards Penelope's suitors! By ony- 
chomancy, for that we have oil and wax. By 
tephromancy, 33 thou wilt see the ashes thus 
aloft dispersed, exhibiting thy wife in a fine 
posture. By botanomancy, for the nonce I 
have some few leaves in reserve. By sycoman- 
cy; O divine art in fig-tree leaves. By icthyo- 
mancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and 
put in use by Tiresias and Poly damns, with 
the like certainty of event as was tried of old 
at the Dina-ditch, within that grove conse- 



crated to Apollo, which is in the territory of 
the Lycians. By choeromancy, let us have a 
great many hogs, and thou shalt have the 
bladder of one of them. By cleromancy, 34 as 
the bean is found in the cake at the Epiphany 
vigil. By anthropomancy, 33 practised by the 
Roman Emperor Heliogabalus. It is somewhat 
irksome, but thou wilt endure it well enough, 
seeing thou art destined to be a cuckold. By a 
sibylline stichomancy. 36 By onomatomancy. 37 
How do they call thee? Chaw-turd, quoth 
Panurge. Or yet by alectryomancy. If I should 
here with a compass draw a round, and in 
looking upon thee, and considering thy lot di- 
vide the circumference thereof into four and 
twenty equal parts, then form a several letter 
of the alphabet upon every one of them; and 
lastly, posit a barley corn or two upon each of 
these so disposed letters, I durst promise upon 
my faith and honesty, that if a young virgin 
cock be permitted to range alongst and ath- 
wart them, he should only eat the grains 
which are set and placed upon these letters, A. 
C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T. B.E. And 
that as fatidically as under the Emperor Val- 
ens, most perplexedly desirous to know the 
name of him who should be his successor to 
the empire, the cock, vaticinating and alec- 
tryomantic, ate up the pickles that were de- 
posited on the letters O. K. O. A. T.H.E.O.D. Or, 
for the more certainty, will you have a trial of 
your fortune by the art of aruspiciny? 38 By au- 
gury? Or by extispiciny? 39 By turdispiciny, 
quoth Panurge. Or yet by the mystery of ne- 
cromancy? I will, if you please, suddenly set 
up again, and revive some one lately de- 
ceased, as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, 
and the Pythoness in the presence of Saul; 
which body, so raised up and re-quickened, 
will tell us the sum of all you shall require of 
him: no more nor less than, at the invocation 
of Erictho, a certain defunct person foretold 
to Pompey the whole progress and issue of 
the fatal battle fought in the Pharsalian fields? 
Or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly 
all cuckolds are, I will make use of the faculty 
of sciomancy. 40 

Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou 
frantic ass, to the devil, and be buggered, fil- 
thy bardachio that thou art, by some Albani- 
an, for a steeple-crowned hat. Why the devil 
didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an 
emerald, or the stone of a hyena under my 
tongue? Or to furnish and provide myself 
with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green 



f 

liv 



frogs? Or to eat the liver and milt of some 



178 



RABELAIS 



dragon? To the end that by those means I 


Oddc. 


Resolute c. 


might, at the chanting and chirping of swans 


Steeled c. 


Cabbage-like c. 


and other fowls, understand the substance of 


Stale c. 


Courteous c. 


my future lot and destiny, as did of old the 


Orange-tawny c. 


Fertile c. 


Arabians in the country of Mesopotamia? Fif- 


Embroidered c. 


Whizzing c. 


teen brace of devils seize upon the body and 


Glazed c. 


Neat c. 


soul of this horned renagado, miscreant, 


Interlarded c. 


Common c. 


cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and sorcerer 


Burgher-like c. 


Brisk c. 


of antichrist; away to all the devils of hell? 


Impowdered c. 


Quick c. 


Let us return towards our king, I am sure he 


Ebonized c. 


Barelike c. 


will not be well pleased with us, if he once 


Brasiliated c. 


Partition al c. 


come to get notice that we have been in the 


Organized c. 


Patronymic c. 


kennel of this muffled devil. I repent my be- 


Passable c. 


Cockney c. 


ing come hither. I would willingly dispense 


Trunkified c. 


Auromercuriated c. 


with a hundred nobles, and fourteen yeomen, 


Furious c. 


Robust c. 


on condition that he, who not long since did 


Packed c. 


Appetizing c. 


blow in the bottom of my breeches, should 


Hooded c. 


Succourable c. 


instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate 


Varnished c. 


Redoubtable c. 


his moustaches. O Lord God now! how the 


Renowned c. 


Affable c. 


villain hath bcsmoked me with vexation and 


Matted c. 


Memorable c. 


anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with 


Genetive c. 


Palpaple c. 


a terrible coil and stir of infernal and Tartari- 


Gigantal c. 


Barbable c. 


an devils! The devil take him! Say Amen, 


Oval c. 


Tragical c. 


and let us go drink. I shall not have any appe- 


Claustral c. 


Transpontine c. 


tite for my victuals, how good cheer soever I 


Viril c. 


Digestive c. 


make these two days to come, hardly these 


Stayed c. 


Active c. 


four. 


Massive c. 


Vital c. 




Manual c. 


Magistral c. 


CHAPTER 26 


Absolute c. 


Monarchal c. 




Well-set c. 


Subtil c. 


How Panurge consultcth with Friar John of 
the Funnels 


Gemel c. 
Turkish c. 


Hammering c. 
Clashing c. 


PANURGE was indeed very much troubled in 


Burning c. 


Tingling c. 


mind, and disquieted at the words of Her 


Thwacking c. 


Usual c. 


Trippa, and therefore as he passed by the lit- 


Urgent c. 


Exquisite c. 


tle village of Huymes, after he had made his 


Handsome c. 


Trim c. 


address to Friar John, in pecking at, rubbing 


Prompt c. 


Succulent c. 


and scratching his own left ear, he said unto 


Fortunate c. 


Factious c. 


him, Keep me a little jovial and merry, my 


Boxwood c. 


Clammy c. 


dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains al- 


Latten c. 


Fat c. 


together metagrabolized and confounded, 


Unbridled c. 


High-prized c. 


and my spirits in a most dunsical puzzle at 


Hooked c. 


Requisite c. 


the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, 


Researched c. 


Laycod c. 


damned, fool. Hearken my dainty cod. 


Encompassed c. 


Hand-filling c. 




S fronting out c. 


Insuperable c. 


Mellow c. Mounted c. 


Jolly c. 


Agreeable c. 


Lead-coloured c. Sleeked c. 


Lively c. 


Formidable c. 


Knurled c. Diapred c. 


Gerundive c. 


Profitable c. 


Suborned c. Spotted c. 


Franked c. 


Notable c. 


Desired c. Master c. 


Polished c. 


Musculous c. 


Stuffed c. Seeded c. 


Poudered Beef c. 


Subsidiary c. 


Speckled c. Lusty c. 


Positive c. 


Satyr ic c. 


Finely-metalled c. Jupped c. 
Arabian-like c. Milked c. 


Spared c. 
Bold c. 


Repercussive c. 
Convulsive c. 


Trussed up grey- Calfeted c. 


Lascivious c. 


Restorative c. 


hound-like c. Raised c. 


Gluttonous c. 


Masculinating c. 



PANTAGRUEL 



Incarnative c. 
Sigillative c. 
Sallying c. 
Plump c. 
Thundering c. 
Lechering c. 
Fulminating c. 
Sparkling c. 
Ramming c. 
Lusty c. 
Household c. 
Pretty c. 
Astrolabian c. 
Algebraical c. 
Veriust c. 
Aromatizing c. 
Trixy c. 
Paillarcl c. 
Gaillard c. 
Broaching c. 
Addle c. 
Syndicated c. 
Boulting c. 
Snorting c. 
Pilfering c. 
Shaking c. 
Robbing c. 
Chiveted c. 
Fumbling c. 
Topsyturvying c. 
Raging c. 
Piled up c. 
Filled up c. 
Manly c. 
Idle c. 

Membrous c. 
Strong c. 
Twin c. 
Belabouring c. 
Gentle c. 
Stirring c. 
Confident c. 
Nimble c. 
Roundheaded c. 
Figging c. 
Helpful c. 
Spruce c. 
Plucking c. 
Ramage c. 
Fine c. 
Fierce c. 
Brawny c. 
Compt c. 
Repaired c. 
Soft c. 
Wild c. 



Renewed c. 
Quaint c. 
Starting c. 
Fleshy c. 
Auxiliary c. 
New vamped c. 
Improved c. 
Mailing c. 
Sounding c. 
Battled c. 
Burly c. 
Seditious c. 
Wardian c. 
Protective c. 
Twinkling c. 
Able c. 
Algoristical c. 
Odoriferous c. 
Pranked c. 
Jocund c. 
Routing c. 
Purloining c. 
Frolic c. 
Wagging c. 
Ruffling c. 
Jumbling c. 
Rumbling c. 
Thumping c. 
Bumping c. 
Cringeling c. 
Berumpling c. 
Jogging c. 
Nobbing c. 
Touzing c. 
Tumbling c. 
Fumbling c. 
Overturning c. 
Shooting c. 
Culeting c. 
Jagged c. 
Pinked c. 
Arsiversing c. 
Polished c. 
Slasht c. 
Hamed c. 
Leisurely c. 
Cut c. 
Smooth c. 
Depending c. 
Independent c. 
Lingering c. 
Rapping c. 
Reverend c. 
Nodding c. 
Disseminating c. 
Affecting c. 



Affected c. 
Grappled c. 
Stuffed c. 
Well-fed c. 
Flourished c. 
Fallow c. 
Sudden c. 
Grasp-full c. 
Swillpow c. 
Crushing c. 
Creaking c. 
Diking c. 
Ready c. 
Vigorous c. 
Skulking c. 



179 

Superlative c. 
Clashing c. 
Wagging c. 
Scriplike c. 
Enciemastered c. 
Bouncing c. 
Levelling c. 
Fly-flap c. 
Perina>tegminal c. 
Squat couching c. 
Short-hung c. 
The hypogastrian c. 
Witness-bearing c. 
Testigerous c. 
Instrumental c. 



My harcabuzing cod, and buttock-stirring 
ballock, Friar John, my friend, I do carry a 
singular respect unto thcc, and honour thee 
with all my heart. Thy counsel I hold for a 
choice and delicate morsel, therefore have I 
reserved it for the last bit. Give me thy advice 
freely, 1 beseech thee, Should I marry, or no? 
Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly 
cheerfulness, made this answer to him. Mar- 
ry, in the devil's name. Why not? What the 
devil else shouldst thou do, but marry? Take 
thee a wife and furbish her harness to some 
tune. Swinge her skin-coat, as if thou wert 
beating on a stock-fish; and let the repercus- 
sion of thy clapper from her resounding metal 
make a noise, as if a double peal of chiming- 
bclls were hung at the cremasters of thy bal- 
locks. As I say, marry, so do I understand, 
that thou shouldst fall to work, as speedily as 
may be: yea, my meaning is, that thou ought- 
est to be so quick and forward therein, as on 
this same very clay, before sun-set, to cause 
proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make 
provision of bedsteads. By the blood of a 
hog's-pudding, till when wouldst thou delay 
the acting of a husband's part? Dost thou not 
know, and is it not daily told unto thee, that 
the end of the world approacheth? We are 
nearer it by three poles, and half a fathom, 
than we were two days ago. The antichrist is 
already born, at least it is so reported by 
many. The truth is, that hitherto, the effects 
of his wrath have not reached further than to 
the scratching of his nurse and governesses. 
His nails are not sharp enough as yet, nor 
have his claws attained to their full growth, 
he is little. 

C reseat; nos qui vivimus, nniltiplicemur.* 1 



180 



RABELAIS 



It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I war- 
rant you: the truth whereof is like to last as 
long as a sack of corn may be had for a pen- 
ny, and a puncheon of pure wine for three- 
pence. Wouldst thou be content to be found 
with thy genitories full in the day of judg- 
ment? Dum venerit judicare?* 2 Thou hast, 
quoth Panurge, a right clear, and neat spirit, 
Friar John, my metropolitan cod; thou speakst 
in very deed pertinently, and to purpose. 
That belike was the reason which moved 
Leander of Abydos, in Asia, whilst he was 
swimming through the Hellcspontic sea, to 
make a visit to his sweetheart Hero of Sestus, 
in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the 
other marine gods, thus : 

Now, whilst I go, have pity on me, 
And at my back returning drown me. 

He was loath, it seems, to die with his cods 
overgorged. He was to be commended: 
therefore do I promise, that from henceforth 
no malefactor shall by justice be executed 
within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, 
who shall not, for a day or two at least before, 
be permitted to culbut, and foraminate, ono- 
crotal wise, so that there remain not in all his 
vessels, to write a Greek T . Such a precious 
thing should not be foolishly cast away. He 
will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so 
depart the more contentedly out of this life, 
that he shall have left behind him one for one. 

CHAPTER 27 

How Friar John merrily and sportinghj coun- 
sellcth Panurge 

BY Saint Rigome, quoth Friar John, I do ad- 
vise thee to nothing, my dear friend Panurge, 
which I would not do myself, were I in thy 
place. Only have a special care, and take 
good heed thou solder well together the joints 
of the double-backed, and two bellied beast, 
and fortify thy nerves so strongly, that there 
be no discontinuance in the knocks of the 
venerean thwacking, else thou art lost, poor 
soul. For, if there pass long intervals betwixt 
the priapising feats, and that thou make an 
intermission of too large a time, that will be- 
fall thee which betides the nurses, if they de- 
sist from giving suck to children, they lose 
their milk; and if continually thou do not 
hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep 
thy mentul going, thy lacticinian nectar will 
be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe 



to piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of 
lesser value than a beggar's scrip. This is a 
certain tiuth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not 
of it; for myself have seen the sad experiment 
thereof in many, who cannot now do what 
they would, because before they did not what 
they might have done. E desuetudine amit- 
tuntur prwilegia: non-usage oftentimes de- 
stroys one's right, say the learned doctors of 
the law; therefore, my billy, entertain as well 
as possibly thou canst, that hypogastrian low- 
er sort of troglodytic people, that their chief 
pleasure may be placed in the case of sem- 
piternal labouring. Give order that hence- 
forth they live not, like idle gentlemen, idly 
upon their rents and revenues, but that they 
may work for their livelihood, by breaking 
ground within the Paphian trenches. Nay 
truly, answered Panurge, Friar John, my left 
ballock, I will believe thee, for thou dealest 
plain with me, and fallest downright square 
upon the business, without going about the 
bush with frivolous circumstances and un- 
necessary reservations. Thou with the splen- 
dour of a piercing wit hast dissipated all the 
louring clouds of anxious apprehensions and 
suspicions, which did intimidate and terrify 
me: therefore the heavens be pleased to grant 
to thee, at all she-conflicts, a stiff-standing 
fortune. Well then, as thou hast said, so will 
I do, I will, in good sooth, marry, in that 
point there shall be no failing, I promise thee, 
and shall have always by me pretty girls 
clothed with the name of my wife's waiting- 
maids, that lying under thy wings, thou may- 
est be night protector of their sisterhood, 
when thou comest to sec me. 

Let this serve for the first part of the ser- 
mon. Hearken, quoth Friar John, to the ora- 
cle of the bells of Varenes. What say they? I 
hear and understand them, quoth Panurge; 
their sound is, by my thirst, more uprightly 
fatidical, than that of Jove's great kettles in 
Dodona. Hearken! Take thee a wife, take thee 
a wife, and marry, marry, marry: for if thou 
marry, thou shalt find good therein; here in a 
wife thou shalt find good; so marry, marry, I 
will assure thee, that I shall be married: all 
the elements invite and prompt me to it. Let 
this word be to thee a brazen wall, by diffi- 
dence riot to be broken through. As for the 
second part of this our doctrine, thou seem- 
est in some measure to mistrust the readiness 
of my paternity, in the practising of my 
placket-racket within the Aphrodisian tennis- 
court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of 



PANTAGRUEL 



181 



gardens were not favourable to me. I pray 
thee, favour me so much as to believe that I 
still have him at a beck, attending always my 
commandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, 
and active in all things, and everywhere, and 
never stubborn or refractory to my will or 
pleasure. 1 need no more, but to lot go the 
reins, and slacken the leash, which is the bel- 
ly-point, and when the game is shown unto 
him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will not 
fail even then to flesh himself upon his prey, 
and tuzzle it to some purpose. Hereby you 
may perceive, although my future wife were 
as unsatiable and gluttonous in her voluptu- 
ousness, and the delights of vencry, as ever 
was the Empress Messalina, or yet the Mar- 
chioness of Oinccster, in England, yet I de- 
sire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for 
what is requisite to overlay the stomach of 
her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to 
please her. I am not ignorant that Solomon 
said, who indeed of that matter speaketh 
clerk-like, and learnedly, as also how Aris- 
totle after him declared for a truth, That, for 
the greater part, the lechery of a woman is 
ravenous and unsatisfiable. Nevertheless, let 
such as are my friends, who read those pas- 
sages, receive from me for a most real verity, 
that I for such a Gill have a fit ]ack; and that, 
if women's things cannot be satiated, I have 
an instrument indefatigable, an implement 
as copious in the giving, as can in craving be 
their vade mecums. Do not here produce an- 
cient examples of the paragons of Paillardicc, 
and offer to match with my tcsticulatory abil- 
ity the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous for- 
nicators, Hercules, Proculus Cirsar, and Ma- 
homet, who in his Alclwran doth vaunt, that 
in his cods he had the vigour of threescore 
bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian 
trust the rogue, the filthy ribald rascal is a 
liar. Nor shalt thou need to urge authorities, 
or bring forth the instance of the Indian 
prince, of whom Thcophrastus, Plinius, and 
Athenteus testify, that, with the help of a cer- 
tain herb, he was able, and had given fre- 
quent experiments thereof, to toss his sinewy 
piece of generation in the act of carnal con- 
cupiscence above threescore and ten times in 
the space of four and twenty hours. Of that I 
believe nothing, the number is supposititious, 
and too prodigally foisted in. Give no faith 
unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me 
in this, and thy credulity therein shall not be 
wronged; for it is true, and Probatum est** 
that my pioneer of nature, the sacred ithy- 



phallian champion, is of all stiff-intruding 
blades the primest. Gome hither, my ballock- 
ette, and hearken. Didst thou ever see the 
monk of Castre's cowl? When in any house 
it was laid down, whether openly in the view 
of all, or covertly out of the sight of any, such 
was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating 
and stirring up the people of both sexes unto 
lechery, that the whole inhabitants and in- 
dwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all 
the circumjacent places thereto, within three 
leagues around it, did suddenly enter into rut, 
both beasts and folks, men and women, even 
to the dogs and hogs, rats and cats. 

I swear to thee, that many times hereto- 
fore I have perceived, and found in my cod- 
piece a certain kind of energy, or efficacious 
virtue, much more irregular, and of a greater 
anomaly, than what I have related. I will nqt 
speak to thee either of house or cottage, nor 
of church or market, but only tell thee, that 
once at the representation of the Passion, 
which was acted at Saint Maxent's, I had no 
sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, 
but that forthwith, by the virtue and occult 
property of it, on a sudden all that were there, 
both players and spectators, did fall into such 
an exorbitant temptation of lust, that there 
was not angel, man, devil, nor deviless, upon 
the place, who would not then have bricol- 
litched it with all their heart and soul. The 
prompter forsook his copy, he who played St. 
Michael's part came down from his perch, 
the devils issued out of hell, and carried 
along with them most of the pretty girls that 
were there, yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; 
in a word, seeing the huge disorder, I dis- 
parkecl myself forth of that inclosed place, in 
imitation of Gato the Censor, who perceiving, 
by reason of his presence, the Floralian festi- 
vals out of order, withdrew himself. 

CHAPTER 28 

How Friar John cotnfortcth Pamir ge in the 
doubtful matter of cnckohlry 

I UNDERSTAND thee well enough, said Friar 
John; but time makes all things plain. The 
most durable marble or porphyry is subject 
to old age and decay. Though for the present 
thou possibly be not weary of the exercise, 
yet is it like, I will hear thee confess a few 
years hence, that thy cods hang dangling 
downwards for want of a better truss. I see 
thee waxing a little hoar-headed already. 
Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white, 



182 



RABELAIS 



tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the re- 
semblance of a map of the terrestrial globe, 
or geographical chart. Look attentively upon, 
and take inspection of what I shall show unto 
thee. Behold there Asia. Here are 1'ygris and 
Euphrates. Lo, there Africa. Here is the 
mountain of the moon, yonder thou mayest 
perceive the fenny march of Nilus. On this 
side lieth Europe. Dost thou not see the Ab- 
bey of Theleme? This little tuft, which is al- 
together white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By 
the thirst of my throple, friend, when snow is 
on the mountains, I say the head and the 
chin, there is not then any considerable heat 
to be expected in the valleys and low-coun- 
tries of the cod-piece. By the kibes of thy 
heels, quoth Panurge, thou dost not under- 
stand the topics. When snow is on the tops of 
the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirl- 
winds, storms, hurricanes, and all the devils 
of hell rage in the valleys. Wouldst thou see 
the experience thereof, go to the territory of 
the Swiss, and earnestly perpend with thyself 
there the situation of the lake of Wunderber- 
lich, about four leagues distant from Berne, 
on the Syonside of the land. Thou twittest me 
with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I 
am of the nature of leeks, which with a white 
head carry a green, fresh, straight, and vig- 
orous tail. The truth is, nevertheless, (why 
should I deny it?) that I now and then dis- 
cern in myself some indicative signs of old 
age. Tell this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it 
be kept very close and secret betwixt us two; 
for I find the wine much sweeter now, more 
savoury to my taste, and unto my palate of a 
better relish than formerly I was wont to do; 
and withal, besides mine accustomed man- 
ner, I have a more dreadful apprehension 
than I ever heretofore have had, of lighting 
on bad wine. Note and observe that this doth 
argue and portend I know not what of the 
west and Occident of my time, and signifieth 
that the south and meridian of mine age is 
past. But what then, my gentle companion? 
That doth but betoken that I will hereafter 
drink so much the more. That is not, the devil 
hale it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there 
where my shoe pinches. The thing that I 
doubt most, and have greatest reason to 
dread and suspect, is, that through some long 
absence of our King Pantagruel, (to whom I 
must needs bear company, should he go to 
all the devils of Barathrum, ) my future wife 
shall make me a cuckold. This is, in truth, the 
long and short of it. For I am by all those 



whom I have spoken to, menaced and threat- 
ened with a horned fortune; and all of them 
affirm, it is the lot to which from heaven I am 
predestinated. Every one, answered Friar 
John, that would be a cuckold, is not one. If 
it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number 
of that horned cattle, then may I conclude 
with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and 
Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her. Like- 
wise with this Ergo, thou shalt be blessed 
with the fruition of many friends and well- 
willers. And finally with this other Ergo, thou 
shalt be saved, and have a place in paradise. 
These are monachal topics and maxims of the 
cloister. Thou mayst take more liberty to sin. 
Thou shalt be more at ease than ever. There 
will be never the less left for thee, nothing 
diminished, but thy goods shall increase nota- 
bly. And if so be it was preordinated for thee, 
woulclst thou be so impious as not to acqui- 
esce in thy destiny? Speak, thou jaded cod. 



Faded c. 
Mouldy c. 
Musty c. 
Paltry c. 
Senseless c. 
Foundered c. 
Distempered c. 
Bewiayecl c. 
Inveigled c. 
Dangling c. 
Stupid c. 
Seedless c. 
Soaked c. 
Louting c. 
Discouraged c. 
Surfeited c. 
Peevish c. 
Translated c. 
Forlorn c. 
Unsavoury c. 
Worm-eaten c. 
Overtoiled c. 
Miserable c. 
Steeped c. 
Kneaded-with-cold- 

water c. 
Appealant c. 
Swaggering c. 
Withered c. 
Broken-reined c. 
Defective c. 
Crestfallen c. 
Felled c. 
Fleeted c. 



Cloyed c. 
Squeezed c. 
Resty c. 
Pounded c. 
Loose c. 
Coldish c. 
Pickled c. 
Churned c. 
Filliped c. 
Singlifild c. 
Begrimed c. 
Wrinkled c. 
Fainted c. 
Extenuated c. 
Crim c. 
Wasted c. 
Inflamed c. 
Unhinged c. 
Scurvy c. 
Straddling c. 
Putrified c. 
Maimed c. 
Overlechered c. 
Dniggerly c. 
Mitified c. 
Coat-ridden c. 
Weakened c. 
Ass-ridden c. 
Puff -pasted c. 
St. Anthonified c. 
Untriped c. 
Blasted c. 
Cut off c. 
Beveraged c. 



PANTAGRUEL 



183 



Scarified c. 


Maleficiated c. 


Botched c. 


Rotten c. 


Dashed c. 


Hectic c. 


Dejected c. 


Anxious c. 


Slashed c. 


Worn out c. 


Jagged c. 


Clouted c. 


Infeebled c. 


Ill-favoured c. 


Pining c. 


Tired c. 


Whore-hunting c. 


Duncified c. 


Deformed c. 


Proud c. 


Deteriorated c. 


Macerated c. 


Mischieved c. 


Fractured c. 


Chill c. 


Paralytic c. 


Cobbled c. 


Melancholy c. 


Scrupulous c. 


Degraded c. 


Imbased c. 


Coxcombly c. 


Crazed c. 


Benumbed c. 


Ransacked c. 


Base c. 


Tasteless c. 


Bat-like c. 


Despised c. 


Bleaked c. 


Hacked c. 


Fart-shotten c. 


Mangy c. 


Detested c. 


Flaggy c. 


Sunburnt c. 


Abased c. 


Diaphanous c. 


Scrubby c. 


Pacified c. 


Supine c. 


Unworthy c. 


Drained c. 


Blunted c. 


Mended c. 


Checked c. 


Haled c. 


Rankling tasted c. 


Dismayed c. 


Mangled c. 


Lolling c. 


Rooted out c. 


Harsh c. 


Turned over c. 


Drenched c. 


Costive c. 


Beaten c. 


Harried c. 


Burst c. 


Hailed-on c. 


Barred c. 


Flawed c. 


Stirred up c. 


Cuffed c. 


Abandoned c. 


Froward c. 


Mitred c. 


Buffeted c. 


Confounded c. 


Ugly c. 


Peddlingly fur- 


Whirreted c. 


Loutish c. 


Drawn c. 


nished c. 


Robbed c. 


Borne down c. 


Riven c. 


Rusty c. 


Neglected c. 


Sparred c. 


Distasteful c. 


Exhausted c. 


Lame c. 


Abashed c. 


Hanging c. 


Perplexed c. 


Confused c. 


Unseasonable c. 


Broken c. 


Unhelved c. 


Unsavoury c. 


Oppressed c. 


Limber c. 


Fizzled c. 


Overthrown c. 


Grated c. 


Effeminate c. 


Leprous c. 


Boulted c. 


Falling away c. 


Kindled c. 


Bruised c. 


Trode under c. 


Small cut c. 


Evacuated c. 


Spadonic c. 


Desolate c. 


Disordered c. 


Grieved c. 


Boughty c. 


Declining c. 


Latticed c. 


Carking c. 


Mealy c. 


Stinking c. 


Ruined c. 


Disorderly c. 


Wrangling c. 


Sorrowful c. 


Exasperated c. 


Empty c. 


Gangreened c. 


Murdered c. 


Rejected c. 


Disquieted c. 


Crustrissen c. 


Matachin-like c. 


Belammcd c. 


Desisted c. 


Ragged c. 
Quelled c. 


Besotted c. 
Customerless c. 


Febricitant c. 
Perused c. 


Confounded c. 
Hooked c. 


Bragodochio c. 


Minced c. 


Emasculated c. 


Divorous c. 


Beggarly c. 


Exulcerated c. 


Roughly handled c. 


Weaned c. 


Trepanned c. 


Patched c. 


Examined c. 


Sad c. 


Beclusked c. 


Stupified c. 


Cracked c. 


Cross c. 


Emasculated c. 


Annihilated c. 


Wayward c. 


Vain-glorious c. 


Corked c. 


Spent c. 


Hagled c. 


Poor c. 


Transparent c. 


Foiled c. 


Gleaning c. 


Brown c. 


Vile c. 


Anguished c. 


Ill-favoured c. 


Shrunken c. 


Antidated c. 


Disfigured c. 


Pulled c. 


Abhorred c. 


Chopped c. 


Disabled c. 


Drooping c. 


Troubled c. 


Pinked c. 


Forceless c. 


Faint c. 


Scornful c. 


Cup-glassified c. 


Censured c. 


Parched c. 


Dishonest c. 


Fruitless c. 


Cut c. 


Paltry c. 


Reproved c. 


Riven c. 


Rifled c. 


Cankered c. 


Cocketed c. 


Pursy c. 


Undone c. 


Void c. 


Filthy c. 


Fusty c. 


Corrected c. 


Vexed c. 


Shred c. 


Jadish c. 


Slit c. 


Bestunk c. 


Chawned c. 


Fistulous c. 


Skittish c. 


Crooked c. 


Short-winded c. 


Languishing c. 


Spungy c. 


Brabbling c. 


Branchless c. 



184 


R, 


Chapped c. 


Appeased c. 


Failing c. 


Caitiff c. 


Deficient c. 


Woful c. 


Lean c. 


Unseemly c. 


Consumed c. 


Heavy c. 


Used c. 


Weak c. 


Puzzled c. 


Prostrated c. 


Allayed c. 


Uncomely c. 


Spoiled c. 


Naughty c. 


Claggecl c. 


Laid flat c. 


Palsy-strucken c. 


Suffocated c. 


Amazed c. 


Held down c. 


Bedunsecl c. 


Barked c. 


Extirpated c. 


Hairless c. 


Banged c. 
Stripped c. 


Flamping c. 
Hooded c. 


Hoary c. 


Wormy c. 


Winnowed c. 


Besysted c. 


Decayed c. 


Faulty c. 


Disastrous c. 


Bemealed c. 


Unhandsome c. 


Mortified c. 


Stummed c. 


Scurvy c. 


Barren c. 


Bescabbed c. 


Wretched c. 


Torn c. 


Feeble c. 


Subdued c. 


Cast down c. 


Sneaking c. 


Stopped c. 


Bare c. 


Kept under c. 


Swart c. 


Stubborn c. 


Smutched c. 


Ground c. 


Raised up c. 


Retchless c. 


Chopped c. 


Weather-beaten c. 


Flirted c. 


Flayed c. 


Blamed c. 


Bald c. 


Blotted c. 


Tossed c. 


Sunk in c. 


Flapping c. 
Cleft c. 


Gastly c. 
Unpointed c. 


Meagre c. 


Bcblistered c. 


Dumpified c. 


Wizened c. 


Suppressed c. 


Beggar-plated c. 


Hagged c. 


Douf c. 


Jawped c. 


Clarty c. 


Havocked c. 


Lumpish c. 


Astonished c. 


Abject c. 


Dulled c. 


Side c. 


Slow c. 


Choked up c. 


Plucked up c. 


Backward c. 


Constipated c. 


Prolix c. 


Blown c. 


Spotted c. 


Blockified c. 


Crumpled c. 


Pommeled c. 


Frumpled c. 


All-to-be-mauled c. 


Stale c. 


Fallen away c. 


Corrupted c. 


Unlucky c. 


Beflowered c. 


Sterile c. 


Amated c. 


Beshitten c. 


Blackish c. 



RABELAIS 



Underlaid c. 
Loathing c. 
Ill-filled c. 
Bobbed c. 
Mated c. 
Tawny c. 
Whealed c. 
Besmeared c. 
Hollow c. 
Pantless c. 
Guizened c. 
Demiss c. 
Refractory c. 
Rensy c, 
Frowning c. 



Limping c. 
Ravelled c. 
Rammish c. 
Gaunt c. 
Beskimmered c. 
Scraggy c. 
Lank c. 
Swashring c. 
Moyling c. 
Swinking c. 
Harried c. 
Tugged c. 
Towed c. 
Misused c. 
Adamitical c. 



Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend 
Panurge, seeing it is so decreed by the gods, 
wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, 
and make them retrograde? Wouldst thou 
disorder all the celestial spheres? blame the 
intelligences, blunt the spindles, join the 
wherves, slander the spinning quills, re- 
proach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, 
and finally ravel and untwist all the threads 
of both the warp and the waft of the weird 
Sister-Parcae? What a pox to thy bones dost 
thou mean, stony cod? Thou wouldst, if thou 
couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of 
old intended to have done. Gome hither, bil- 
licullion. Whether wouldst thou be jealous 
without a cause, or be a cuckold and know 
nothing about it? Neither the one, nor the 
other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be. 
But if I can get an inkling of the matter, I 
will provide well enough, or there shall not 
be one stick of wood within five hundred 
leagues about me, whereof to make a cudgel. 
In good faith, Friar John, I speak now seri- 
ously unto thee, I think it will be my best not 
to marry. Hearken to what the bells do tell 
me, now that we are nearer to them! Do not 
marnj, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry, 
marry not, not, not, not, not. If thou marry, 
thou wilt miscarry, carry carry; thou wilt re- 
pent it, resent it, sent it! If thou marry, thou a 
cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoe, cou-cou-cuckold 
thou shalt be. By the worthy wrath of God, I 
begin to be angry. This campanalian oracle 
fretteth me to the guts, a March hare was 
never in such a chaff as I am. O how I am 
vexed! You monks and friars of the cowl-pat- 
ed and hood-polled fraternity, have you no 
remedy nor salve against this malady of graf- 
fing horns in heads? Hath nature so aban- 
doned human-kind, and of her help left us so 



PANTAGRUEL 



185 



destitute, that married men cannot know how 
to sail through the seas of this mortal life, and 
be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, 
rocks, and banks, that lie alongst the coast of 
Cornwall? 

I will, said Friar John, show thee a way, 
and teach thee an expedient, by means 
whereof thy wife shall never make thee a 
cuckold without thy knowledge, and thine 
own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, 
quoth Panurge, my pretty soft downy cod; 
now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech thee. Take, 
quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel's ring upon 
thy finger, who was the King of Melinda's 
chief jeweller. Besides that this Hans Carvel 
had the reputation of being very skilful and 
expert in the lapidary's profession, he was a 
studious, learned, and ingenious man, a sci- 
entific person, full of knowledge, a great phi- 
losopher, of sound judgment, of a prime wit, 
good sense, clear-spirited, an honest creature, 
courteous, charitable, a giver of alms, and of 
a jovial humour, a boon companion, and a 
merry blade, if ever there was any in the 
world. lie was somewhat gorbelliecl, had a 
little shake in his head, and was in effect un- 
wieldy of his body. In his old age he took to 
wife the bailiff of Concordat's daughter, 
young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, 
neat, feat, smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, 
fine, trixy, trim, decent, proper, graceful, 
handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind, a 
little too much to her neighbours and ac- 
quaintance. 

Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a 
scantling of weeks, that Master Carvel be- 
came as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a 
very profound suspicion, that his new-mar- 
ried gixy did keep a buttock-stirring with oth- 
ers. To prevent which inconveniency, he did 
tell her many tragical stories of the total ruin 
of several kingdoms by adultery; did read 
unto her the legend of chaste wives; then 
made some lectures to her in the praise of the 
choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her 
with a book in commendation of conjugal fi- 
delity, wherein the wickedness of all licenti- 
ous women was odiously detested; and withal 
he gave her a chain enriched with pure ori- 
ental sapphires. Notwithstanding all this, he 
found her always more and more inclined to 
the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, 
so that day by day his jealousy increased. In 
sequel whereof, one night as he was lying by 
her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies 
of the lecherous deportments of his wife did 



take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt 
that he encountered with the devil, to whom 
he had discovered to the full the buzzing of 
his head, and suspicion that his wife did tread 
her shoe awry. The devil, he thought, in this 
perplexity, did for his comfort give him a 
ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his 
middle finger, saying, Hans Carvel, I give 
thee this ring, whilst thou earnest it upon 
that finger, thy wife shall never carnally be 
known by any other than thyself, without 
thy special knowledge and consent. Gram- 
mercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my Lord Devil, I 
renounce Mahomet, if ever it shall come off 
my finger. The devil vanished, as is his cus- 
tom, and then Hans Carvel, full of joy awak- 
ing, found that his middle-finger was as far 
as it could reach within the what-do-you-call- 
it of his wife. I did forget to tell thee, how his 
wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, 
said, in recoiling her buttocks, Off, yes, nay, 
tut, pish, tush, aye, lord, that is not the thing 
which should be put up in that place. With 
this Hans Carvel thought that some pilfering 
fellow was about to take the ring from him. 
Is not this an infallible, and sovereign anti- 
dote? Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in 
imitation of this example never fail to have 
continually the ring of thy wife's commodity 
upon thy finger. When that was said, their 
discourse and their way ended. 

CHAPTER 29 

How Pantagruel convocated together a TJieo- 
logian, Physician. Lawyer, and Philoso- 
pher, for extricating Pannrge out of the 
perplexity ivJicrcin he was 

No sooner were they come into the royal pal- 
ace, but they, to the full, made report unto 
Pantagruel of the success of their expedition 
and showed him the response of Raminagro- 
bis. When Pantagruel had read it over and 
over again, the oftener he perused it, being 
the better pleased therewith, he said, in ad- 
dressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as 
yet seen any answer framed to your demand 
which affordeth me more contentment. For 
in this his succinct copy of verses, he sum- 
marily, and briefly, yet fully enough express- 
eth how he would have us to understand that 
every one, in the project and enterprise of 
marriage, ought to be nis own carver, sole ar- 
bitrator of his proper thoughts, and from him- 
self alone take counsel in the main and per- 
emptory closure of what his determination 



186 



RABELAIS 



should be, in either his assent to or dissent 
from it. Such always hath been my opinion to 
you, and when at first you spoke thereof to 
me, I truly told you this same very thing; but 
tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not 
harbour it within your mind. I know for cer- 
tain, and therefore may I with the greater 
confidence utter my conception of it, that 
Philauty, or self love, is that which blinds 
your judgment and deceiveth you. 

Let us do otherways, and that is this. 
Whatever we are, or have, consisteth in three 
things the soul, the body, and the goods. 
Now, for the preservation of these three, 
there are three sorts of learned men ordained, 
each respectively to have care of that one 
which is recommended to his charge. The- 
ologues are appointed for the soul, physicians 
for the welfare of the body, and lawyers for 
the safety of our goods. Hence it is, that it is 
my resolution to have on Sunday next with 
me at dinner a divine, a physician, and a law- 
yer, that with those three assembled thus to- 
gether, we may in every point and particle 
confer at large of your perplexity. By Saint 
Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do 
any good that way, I sec it already. And you 
see yourself how the world is vilely abused, 
as when with a fox-tail one claps another's 
breech, to cajole him. We give our souls to 
keep to the theologues, who for the greater 
part are heretics. Our bodies we commit to 
the physicians, who never themselves take 
any physic. And then we intrust our goods to 
the lawyers, who never go to law against one 
another. You speak like a courtier, quoth Pan- 
tagruel. But the first point of your assertion is 
to be denied; for we daily see how good the- 
ologues make it their chief business, their 
whole and sole employment, by their deeds, 
their words, and writings, to extirpate errors 
and heresies out of the hearts of men, and in 
their stead profoundly plant the true and 
lively faith. The second point you spoke of I 
commend; for, in truth the professors of the 
art of medicine give so good order to the pro- 
phylactic, or conservative part of their facul- 
ty, in what concerneth their proper healths, 
that they stand in no need of making use of 
the other branch, which is the curative, or 
therapeutic, by medicaments. As for the 
third, I grant it to be true, for learned advo- 
cates and counsellors at law are so much tak- 
en up with the affairs of others in their con- 
sultations, pleadings, and such-like patroci- 
nations of those who are their clients, that 



they have no leisure to attend any controver- 
sies of their own. Therefore, on the next ensu- 
ing Sunday, let the divine be our goodly Fa- 
ther Hippothadeus, the physician our honest 
Master Rondibilis, and our legist our friend 
Bridlegoose. Nor will it be (to my thinking) 
amiss, that we enter into the pythagoric field, 
and choose for an assistant to the three afore- 
named doctors our ancient faithful acquain- 
tance, the philosopher, Trouillogan, especial- 
ly seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is 
Trouillogan, is able positively to resolve all 
whatsoever doubts you can propose. Carpal- 
im, have you a care to have them here all four 
on Sunday next to dinner, without fail. 

I believe, quoth Epistemon, that through- 
out the whole country, in all the corners 
thereof, you could not have pitched upon 
such other four. Which I speak not so much 
in regard of the most excellent qualifications 
and accomplishments wherewith all of them 
are endowed for the respective discharge and 
management of each his own vocation and 
calling, (wherein without all doubt or con- 
troversy, they are the paragons of the land 
and surpass all others,) as for that Rondibilis, 
is married now, who before was not, Hippo- 
thadeus was not before, nor is yet, Bridle- 
goose was married once, but is not now, and 
Trouillogan is married now, who wedded 
was to another wife before. Sir, if it may stand 
with your good liking, I will ease Carpalim of 
some parcel of his labour, and invite Bridle- 
goose myself, with whom I of a long time 
have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto 
whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty 
hopeful youth who now studieth at Tholouse, 
under the most learned, virtuous Doctor 
Boissonet. Do what you deem most expedi- 
ent, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me, if my rec- 
ommendation can in anything be steaclable 
for the promoval of the good of that youth, or 
otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity 
and office of the worthy Boissonet, whom I 
do so love and respect for one of the ablest 
and most sufficient in his way, that anywhere 
are extant. Sir, I will use therein my best en- 
deavours, and heartily bestir myself about it. 

CHAPTER 30 

How the theologue, Hippothadcus, giveth 
counsel to Panurge in the matter and busi- 
ness of his nuptial enterprise 

THE dinner on the subsequent Sunday was 
no sooner made ready, than that the afore- 



PANTAGRUEL 



187 



named invited guests gave thereto their ap- 
pearance, all of them, Bridlegoose only ex- 
cepted, who was the deputy-governor of 
Fonsbeton. At the ushering in of the second 
service, Panurge, making a low reverence, 
spake thus. Gentlemen, the question I am to 
propound unto you shall he uttered in very 
few words; Should I marry or no? If my 
doubt herein be not resolved by you, I shall 
hold it altogether insolvable, as are the Insol- 
ubilia de Aliaco; 14 for all of you are elected, 
chosen and culled out from amongst others, 
every one in his own condition and quality, 
like so many picked peas on a carpet. 

The Father Hippothadeus, in obedience to 
the bidding of Pantagruel, and with much 
courtesy to the company, answered exceed- 
ing modestly after this manner. My friend, 
you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first 
you must consult with yourself. Do you find 
any trouble or disquiet in your body by the 
importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh? 
That I do, quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong 
and almost irresistible measure. Be not of- 
fended, I beseech you, good father at the 
freedom of my expression. No truly, friend, 
not I, quoth Ilippothatleus, there is no reason 
why I should be displeased therewith. But in 
this carnal strife and debate of yours, have 
you obtained from God the gift and special 
grace of coiitinency? In good faith not, quoth 
Panurge, My counsel to you in that case, my 
friend, is that you many, quoth Hippothad- 
eus; for you should rather choose to marry 
once, than to burn still in fires of concupis- 
cence. Then Panurge, with a jovial heart and 
a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallant- 
ly, without circumbilivaginating about and 
about, and never hitting it in its central point. 
Grammercy, my good father! In truth I am 
resolved now to marry, and without fail I 
shall do it quickly. I invite you to my wed- 
ding. By the body of a hen, we shall make 
good cheer, and be as merry as crickets. You 
shall wear the bridegroom's colours, and, if 
we eat a goose, my wife shall not roast it for 
me. I will intreat you to lead up the first 
dance of the bride's maids, if it may please 
you to do me so much favour and honour. 
There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little 
scruple, yea, even less than nothing, whereof 
I humbly crave your resolution. Shall I be a 
cuckold, father, yea or no? By no moans, an- 
swered Hippothadeus, will you be a cuckold, 
if it please God. O the Lord help us now, 
quoth Panurge whither are we driven to, 



good folks? To the conditionals, which, ac- 
cording to the rules and precepts of the dia- 
lectic faculty, admit of all contradictions and 
impossibilities. If my Transalpine mule had 
wings, my Transalpine mule would fly. If it 
please God, I shall not be a cuckold, but I 
shall be a cuckold, if it please him. Good 
God, if this were a condition which I knew 
how to prevent, my hopes should be as high 
as ever, nor would I despair. But you here 
send me to God's privy council, to the closet 
of his little pleasures. You, my French coun- 
trymen, which is the way you take to go 
thither? 

My honest father, I believe it will be your 
best not to come to my wedding. The clutter 
and dingle dangle noise of marriage guests 
will but disturb you, and break the serious 
fancies of your brain. You love repose with 
solitude and silence; I really believe you will 
not come. And then you dance but indiffer- 
ently, and would be out of countenance at 
the first entry. I will send you some good 
things to your chamber, together with the 
bride's favour, and there you may drink our 
health, if it may stand with your good liking. 
My friend, quoth Hippothadeus, take my 
words in the sense wherein I mean them, and 
do not misinterpret inc. When I tell you, if 
it please God, do I to you any wrong there- 
in? Is it an ill expression? Is it a blaspheming 
clause, or reserve any way scandalous unto 
the world? Do not we thereby honour the 
Lord God Almighty, Creator, Protector, and 
Conserver of all things? Is not that a mean, 
whereby we do acknowledge him to be the 
sole giver of all whatsoever is good? Do not 
we in that manifest our faith, that we believe 
all things to depend upon his infinite and in- 
comprehensible bounty? and that without 
him nothing can be produced, nor after its 
production be of any value, force, or power, 
without the concurring aid and favour of his 
assisting grace? Is it not a canonical and au- 
thentic exception, worthy to be premised to 
all our undertakings? Is it not expedient that 
what we propose unto ourselves, be still re- 
ferred to what shall be disposed of by the sac- 
red will of God, unto which all things must 
acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the 
earth? Is not that verily a sanctifying of his 
holy name? My friend, you shall not be a cuck- 
old, if it please God, nor shall we need to de- 
spair of the knowledge of his good will and 
pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse 
and mysteriously hidden secret, that for the 



188 



RABELAIS 



clear understanding thereof it were necessary 
to consult with those of his celestial privy 
council, or expressly make a voyage unto the 
empyrean chamber, where order is given for 
the effectuating of his most holy pleasures. 
The great God hath done us this good, that he 
hath declared and revealed them to us openly 
and plainly, and described them in the Holy 
Bible. There will you find that you shall never 
be a cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall 
never be a strumpet, if you make choice of 
one of a commendable extraction, descended 
of honest parents, and instructed in all piety 
and virtue such a one as hath not at any 
time haunted or frequented the company or 
conversation of those that are of corrupt and 
depraved manners, one loving and fearing 
God, who taketh a singular delight in draw- 
ing near to him by faith, and the cordial ob- 
serving of his sacred commandments and fi- 
nally, one who, standing in awe of the Divine 
Majesty of the Most High, will be loth to of- 
fend him, and lose the favourable kindness of 
his grace, through any defect of faith, or 
transgression against the ordinances of his 
holy law, wherein adultery is most rigorously 
forbidden, and a close adherence to her hus- 
band alone, most strictly and severely en- 
joined; yea, in such sort, that she is to cherish, 
serve, and love him above any thing, next to 
God, that meritcth to be beloved. In the in- 
terim, for the better schooling of her in these 
instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine 
of a matrimonial duty may take the deeper 
root in her mind, you must needs carry your- 
self so on your part, and your behaviour is to 
be such that you are to go before her in a 
good example, by entertaining her unf eigned- 
ly with a conjugal amity, by continually ap- 
proving yourself in all your words and ac- 
tions a faithful and discreet husband; and by 
living, not only at home and privately with 
your own household and family, but in the 
face also of all men, and open view of the 
world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as 
you would have her on her side to deport and 
to demean herself towards you, as becomes a 
godly, loyal, and respectful wife, who mak- 
eth conscience to keep inviolable the tie of a 
matrimonial oath. For as that looking-glass is 
not the best, which is most decked with gold 
and precious stones, but that which repre- 
senteth to the eye the liveliest shapes of ob- 
jects set before it, even so that wife should 
not be most esteemed who richest is, and of 
the noblest race, but she who, fearing God, 



conforms herself nearest unto the humour of 
her husband. 

Consider how the moon doth not borrow 
her light from Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, or any 
other of the planets, nor yet from any of those 
splendid stars which are set in the spangled 
firmament, but from her husband only, the 
bright sun, which she receiveth from him 
more or less, according to the manner of his 
aspect and variously bestowed eradiations. 
Just so should you be a pattern to your wife 
in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion, that 
by your radiance in darting on her the aspect 
of an exemplary goodness, she, in your imita- 
tion, may outshine the luminaries of all other 
women. To this effect you daily must implore 
God's grace to the protection of you both. 
You would have me then, quoth Panurge, 
twisting the whiskers of his beard on either 
side with the thumb and forefinger of his left 
hand, to espouse and take to wife the prudent 
frugal woman described by Solomon. With- 
out all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best 
remembrance I never saw her; the Lord for- 
give me! Nevertheless T thank you, father. 
Eat this slice of marchpane, it will help your 
digestion; then shall you be presented with a 
cup of claret hypocras, which is right health- 
ful and stomachal. Let us proceed. 

CHAPTER 31 

How the physician Rondibilis counsellcih 
Panurge 

PANURGE, continuing his discourse, said, The 
first word which was spoken by him who 
gelded the lubbardly quaffing monks of Saus- 
siniac, after that he had unstonecl Friar Caul- 
daureil, was this, Now for the rest. In like 
manner, I say, Now for the rest. Therefore, I 
beseech you, rny good master Rondibilis, 
should I marry or not? By the raking pace of 
my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I know not what 
answer to make to this problem of yours. 

You say that you feel in you the pricking 
stings of sensuality, by which you are stirred 
up to venery. I find in our faculty of medicine, 
and we have founded our opinion therein 
upon the deliberate resolution and final de- 
cision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal 
concupiscence is cooled and quelled five sev- 
eral ways. 

First, by the means of wine. I shall easily 
believe that, quoth Friar John, for when I am 
well whittled with the iuice of the grape, I 
care for nothing else, so I may sleep. When I 



PANTAGRUEL 



189 



say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine abateth lust, 
my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for 
by intemperance proceeding from the exces- 
sive drinking of strong liquor, there is 
brought upon the body of such a swill-down 
bouser, a chillness in the blood, a slackening 
in the* sinews, a disipation of the generative 
seed, a numbness and hebetation of the sens- 
es, with a perversive wryness and convulsion 
of the muscles; all which are great lets and 
impediments to the act of generation. Hence 
it is, that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tip- 
plers, and drunkards, is most commonly 
painted beardless, and clad in a woman's 
habit, as a person altogether effeminate, or 
like a libbed eunuch. Wine, nevertheless, tak- 
en moderately, worketh quite contrary ef- 
fects, as is implied by the old proverb, which 
saith, That Venus takes cold, when not ac- 
companied with Ceres and Bacchus. This 
opinion is of great antiquity, as appeareth by 
the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and 
confirmed by Pausanius, and universally held 
amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Piiapus 
was the son of Bacchus and Venus. 

Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by 
certain drugs, plants, herbs, and roots, which 
make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, 
and unable to pen-form the act of generation; 
as hath been often experimented in the wa- 
ter-lily, Heraclea, Agnus Castus, willow- 
twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine, honeysuckle, 
tamarisk, chaste-tree, mandrake, bonnet, 
keck-bugloss, the skin of a hippopotamus, 
and many other such, which, by convenient 
doses proportioned to the peccant humour 
and constitution of the patient, being duly 
and seasonably received within the body, 
what by their elementary virtues on the one 
side, and peculiar properties on the other, 
do cither benumb, mortify, and beclumpse 
with cold the prolific sernence, or scatter and 
disperse the spirits, which ought to have gone 
along with, and conducted sperm to the plac- 
es destinated and appointed for its reception, 
or lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the 
ways, passages, and conduits through which 
the seed should have been expelled, evacu- 
ated, and ejected. We have nevertheless of 
those ingredients, which, being of a contrary 
operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, 
unite the spirits, quicken the senses, strength- 
en the muscles, and thereby rouse up, pro- 
voke, excite, and enable a man to the vigorous 
accomplishment of the feat of amorous dalli- 
ance. I have no need of these, quoth Pan- 



urge, God be thanked, and you, my good 
master. Howsoever, I pray you, take no ex- 
ception or offence at these my words; for 
what I have said was not out of any ill will I 
did bear to you, the Lord, he knows. 

Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very 
much subdued and check'd by frequent la- 
bour and continual toiling. For by painful ex- 
ercises and laborious working, so great a dis- 
solution is brought upon the whole body, that 
the blood, which runneth alongst the chan- 
nels of the veins thereof, for the nourishment 
and alimentation of each of its members, hath 
neither time, leisure, nor power to afford the 
seminal resudation, or superfluity of the third 
concoction, which nature most carefully re- 
serves for the conservation of the individual, 
whose preservation she more needfully re- 
gardeth than the propagating of the species, 
and the multiplication of human kind. 
Whence it is, that Diana is said to be chaste, 
because she is never idle, but always busied 
about her hunting. For the same reason was 
a camp, or leaguer, of old called Castrnm, as 
if they would have said Castum;^ because the 
soldiers, wrestlers, runners, throwers of the 
bar, and other such like athletic champions, 
as are usually seen in a military circumvalla- 
tion, do incessantly travail and turmoil, and 
are in perpetual stir and agitation. To this 
purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his book, 
De Acre, Aqua, ct Locis, That in his time 
there was a people in Scythia, as impotent as 
eunuchs in the discharge of a venerean ex- 
ploit; because that without any cessation, 
pause, or respite, they were never from off 
horseback, or otherwise assiduously em- 
ployed in some troublesome and molesting 
drudgery. 

On the other part, in opposition and re- 
pugnancy hereto, the philosophers say, That 
idleness is the mother of luxury. When it was 
asked Ovid, Why /Egisthus became an adul- 
terer? he made no other answer but this, Be- 
cause he was idle. Who were able to rid the 
world of loitering and laziness, might easily 
frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his de- 
signs, aims, engines, and devices, and so dis- 
able and appal him that his bow, quiver, and 
darts should from thenceforth be a mere 
needless load and burthen to him: for that it 
could not then lie in his power to strike, or 
wound any of cither sex, with all the arms he 
had. He is not, I believe, so expert an archer, 
as that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, 
or yet the young stags skipping through the 



190 



RABELAIS 



thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to 
do : that is to say, people moiling, stirring, and 
hurrying up and down, restless, and without 
repose. He must have those hushed, still, qui- 
et, lying at a stay, lither, and full of ease, 
whom he is able to pierce with all his arrows. 
In confirmation hereof, Theophrastus being 
asked on a time, What kind of beast or thing 
he judged a toyish, wanton love to be? he 
made answer, That it was a passion of idle 
and sluggish spirits. From which pretty de- 
scription of tickling love-tricks, that of Diog- 
enes's hatching was not very discrepant, 
when he defined lechery, The occupation of 
folks destitute of all other occupation. For 
this cause the Sicyonian sculptor Canachus, 
being desirous to give us to understand that 
sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness 
were the prime guardians and governesses of 
ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not stand- 
ing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, 
but sitting. 

Fourthly, The tickling pricks of inconti- 
nency, are blunted by an eager study; for 
from thence proceedeth an incredible resolu- 
tion of the spirits, that oftentimes there do 
not remain so many behind as may suffice to 
push and thrust forwards the generative res- 
udation to the places thereto appropriated, 
and there withal inflate the cavernous nerve, 
whose office is to ejaculate the moisture for 
the propagation of human progeny. Lest you 
should think it is not so, be pleased but to 
contemplate a little the form, fashion, and 
carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set 
upon some learned meditation, and deeply 
plunged therein, and you shall see how all 
the arteries of his brains are stretched forth, 
and bent like the string of a cross-bow, the 
more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to 
suppeditate, furnish, and supply him with 
store of spirits, sufficient to replenish and fill 
up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, 
receptacles, and cellules of common sense, 
of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy, 
of the ratiocination, arguing, and resolu- 
tion, as likewise of the memory, recordation, 
and remembrance; and with great alacrity, 
nimbleness, and agility to run, pass, and 
course from the one to the other, through 
those pipes, windings, and conduits, which to 
skilful anatomists are perceivable at the end 
of the wonderful net, where all the arteries 
close in a terminating point: which arteries, 
taking their rise and origin from the left cap- 
sule of the heart, bring through several cir- 



cuits, ambages, and anfractuosities, the vital 
spirits, to subtilize and refine them to the as- 
therial purity of animal spirits. Nay, in such 
a studiously musing person, you may espy so 
extravagant raptures of one, as it were, out of 
himself, that all his natural faculties for that 
time will seem to be suspended from each 
their proper charge and office, and his exteri- 
or senses to be at a stand. In a word, you can- 
not otherwise choose than think, that he is by 
an extraordinary ecstacy quite transported of 
what he was, or should be; and that Socrates 
did not speak improperly, when he said, That 
philosophy was nothing else but a meditation 
upon death. This possibly is the reason why 
Democritus, deprived himself of the sense of 
seeing, prizing at a much lower rate the loss 
of his sight, than the diminution of his con- 
templations, which he frequently had found 
disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings 
of his unsettled and roving eyes. Therefore is 
it, that Pallas, the goddess of wisdom, tutor- 
ess and guardianess of such as are diligently 
studious, and painfully industrious, is, and 
hath been still, accounted a virgin. The muses 
upon the same consideration are esteemed 
perpetual maids: and the graces for the like 
reason, have been held to continue in a sem- 
piternal pudicity. 

I remember to have read, that Cupid on a 
time being asked of his mother Venus, why 
he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his 
answer was, That he found them so fair, so 
sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so 
modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, 
and so continually busied and employed, 
one in the speculation of the stars, another 
in the supputation of numbers, the third in 
the dimension of geometrical quantities, the 
fourth in the composition of heroic poems, 
the fifth in the jovial interludes of a comic 
strain, the sixth in the stately gravity of a 
tragic vein, the seventh in the melodious dis- 
position of musical airs, the eighth in the 
completest manner of writing histories, and 
books on all sorts of subjects, and the ninth 
in the mysteries, secrets, and curiosities of all 
sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts what- 
soever, whether liberal or mechanic, that ap- 
proaching near unto them he unbent his bow, 
shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, 
through mere shame, and fear that by mis- 
chance he might do them some hurt or preju- 
dice. Which done, he thereafter put off the 
fillet wherewith his eyes were bound, to look 
them in the face, and to hear their melody 



PANTAGRUEL 



191 



and poetic odes. There took he the greatest 
pleasure in the world, that many times he 
was transported with their beauty and pretty 
behaviour, and charmed asleep by the har- 
mony; so far was he from assaulting them, or 
interrupting their studies. Under this article 
may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in 
the afore-cited treatise concerning the Scy- 
thians; as also that in a book of his, entitled, 
Of Breeding and Production, where he hath 
affirmed all such men to be unfit for genera- 
tion, as have their parotid arteries cut whose 
situation is beside the ears for the reason 
given already, when I was speaking of the 
resolution of the spirits, and of that spiritual 
blood whereof the arteries are the sole and 
proper receptacles; and that likewise he doth 
maintain a large portion of the parastatic liq- 
uor to issue and descend from the brains and 
backbone. 

Fifthly, by the too frequent reiteration of 
the act of venery. There did I wait for you 
quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to 
myself, whilst any one that pleaseth may, for 
me, make use of any of the four preceding. 
That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, 
which Father Scyllino, Prior of Saint Victor at 
Marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration, 
and taming of the flesh. I am of the same 
opinion, and so was the hermit of Saint Ra- 
degonde, a little above Chinon : for, quoth he, 
the hermits of Thebaide can no way more apt- 
ly or expediently macerate and bring down 
the pride of their bodies, daunt and mortify 
their lecherous sensuality, or depress and 
overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of 
the flesh, than by duffling and fanfreluching 
it five and twenty or thirty times a day. I see 
Panurge, quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured, 
and proportioned in all the members of his 
body, of a good temperament in his humours, 
well complexioned in his spirits, of a compe- 
tent age, in an opportune time, and of a rea- 
sonably forward mind to be married. Truly, if 
he encounter with a wife of the like nature, 
temperament, and constitution, he may beget 
upon her children worthy of some transpon- 
tine monarchy; and the sooner he marry, it 
will be the better for him, and the more con- 
ducible for his profit, if he would see and 
have his children in his own time well pro- 
vided for. Sir, my worthy master, quoth Pan- 
urge, I will do it, do not you doubt thereof; 
and that quickly enough, I warrant you. Nev- 
ertheless, whilst you were busied in the utter- 
ing of your learned discourse, this flea which I 



have in mine ear hath tickled me more than 
ever. I retain you in the number of my festi- 
val guests, and promise you, that we shall not 
want for mirth, and good cheer enough, yea, 
over and above the ordinary rate. And, if it 
may please you, desire your wife to come 
along with you, together with her she-friends 
and neighbours that is to be understood 
and there shall be fair play. 

CHAPTER 32 

How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be 
naturally one of the appendances of mar- 
riage 

THERE remaineth, as yet, quoth Panurge, go- 
ing on in his discourse, one small scruple to 
be cleared. You have seen heretofore, I doubt 
not, in the Roman standards, S.P.().R. 1(5 Si, 
Pcu, Que, Rien. Shall not I be a cuckold? By 
the haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what 
is this you ask of me? If you shall be a cuck- 
old? My noble friend, I am married, and you 
are like to be so very speedily; therefore be 
pleased, from my experiment in the matter, 
to write in your brain with a steel-pen this 
subsequent ditton, 'there is no married man 
who doth not run the hazard of being made a 
cuckold/ Cuckoldry naturally attendeth mar- 
riage. The shadow doth not more naturally 
follow the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after 
marriage, to place fair horns upon the hus- 
bands' heads. 

And when you shall happen to hear any 
man pronounce these words he is married 
if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or 
may be a cuckold, you will not be accounted 
an unskilful artist in framing of true conse- 
quences. Tripes and bowels of all the devils, 
cries Panurge, what do you tell me? My dear 
friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates 
on a time was in the very nick of setting for- 
wards from Lango to Polistillo, to visit the 
philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar 
letter to his friend Dionysius, wherein he de- 
sired him, that he would, during the interval 
of his absence, carry his wife to the house of 
her father and mother, who were an honour- 
able couple, and of good repute; because I 
would not have her at my home, said he, to 
make abode in solitude. Yet, notwithstand- 
ing this her residence beside her parents, do 
not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful care 
and circumspection, to pry into her ways, and 
to espy what places she shall go to with her 
mother, and who those be that shall repair 



192 



RABELAIS 



unto her. Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust 
her virtue, or that I seem to have any diffi- 
dence of her pudicity, and chaste behaviour, 
for of that I have frequently had good and 
real proofs, but I must freely tell you, she is 
a woman. There lies the suspicion. 

My worthy friend, the nature of women is 
set forth before our eyes, and represented to 
us by the rnoon in divers other things as well 
as in this, that they squat, skulk, constrain 
their own inclinations, and, with all the cun- 
ning they can, dissemble and play the hypo- 
crite in the sight and presence of their hus- 
bands; who come no sooner to be out of the 
way, but that forthwith they take their advan- 
tage, pass the time merrily, desist from all la- 
bour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their 
counterfeit garb, and openly declare and 
manifest the interior of their dispositions, 
even as the moon, when she is in conjunction 
with the sun, is neither seen in the heavens, 
nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when 
remotest from him shineth in her greatest ful- 
ness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest 
splendour whilst it is night. Thus women are 
but women. 

When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so 
frail, so variable, so changeable, so fickle, in- 
constant, and imperfect, that, in my opinion, 
Nature, under favour nevertheless, of the 
prime honour and reverence which is due un- 
to her, did in a manner mistake the road 
which she had traced foimcrly, and stray ex- 
ceedingly from that excellence of providen- 
tial judgment, by the which she had created 
and formed all other things, when she built, 
framed, and made up the woman. And hav- 
ing thought upon it a hundred and five times, 
I know not what else to determine therein, 
save only that in the devising, hammering, 
forging, and composing of the woman, she 
hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a 
great deal more respectful, heed to the de- 
lightful consortship, and sociable delectation 
of the man, than to the perfection and ac- 
complishment of the individual womanish- 
ness or muliebrity. The divine philosopher 
Plato was doubtful in what rank of living 
creatures to place and collocate them, wheth- 
er amongst the rational animals, by elevating 
them to an upper scat in the specifical classes 
of humanity; or with the irrational, by de- 
grading them to a lower bench on the oppo- 
site side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestial- 
ity. For nature hath posited in a privy, secret 
and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of 



member, by some not impertinently termed 
an animal, which is not to be found in men. 
Therein sometimes are engendered certain 
humours, so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, 
nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly 
tickling, that by their stinging acrimony, 
rending nilrosity, figging itch, wriggling mor- 
dicancy, and smarting salsitude, (for the said 
member is altogether sinewy, and of a most 
quick and lively feeling, ) their whole body is 
shaken and ebrangled their senses totally rav- 
ished and transported, the operations of their 
judgment and understanding utterly con- 
founded, and all disordinate passions and 
perturbations of the mind throughly and ab- 
solutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; 
yea, in such sort, that if nature had not been 
so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled 
their forehead with a little tincture of bash- 
fulness and modesty, you should see them in 
a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and 
hie apace up and down with haste and lust, in 
quest of, and to fix some chamber-standard 
in their Paphian ground, that never did the 
Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyosan Thy ads 
deport themselves in the time of their Bac- 
chanalian festivals more shamelessly, or with 
a so eff routed and brazen-faced impudency; 
because this terrible animal is knit unto, and 
hath an union with all the chief and most 
principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is 
evident. Let it not here be thought strange 
that I should call it an animal, seeing therein I 
do no otherwise than follow and adhere to 
the doctrine of the academic and peripatetic 
philosophers. For if a proper motion be a cer- 
tain mark and infallible token of the life and 
animation of the mover, as Aristotle writeth, 
and that any such thing as moveth of itself 
ought to be held animated, and of a living na- 
ture, then assuredly Plato with very good rea- 
son did give it the denomination of an ani- 
mal, for that he perceived and observed in it 
the proper and self -stirring motions of suffo- 
cation, precipitation, corrugation, and of in- 
dignation, so extremely violent, that often- 
times by them is taken and removed from the 
woman all other sense and moving whatso- 
ever, as if she were in a swounding lipothy- 
rny, benumbing syncope, epileptic, apoplectic 
palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced 
death. 

Furthermore, in the said member there is 
a manifest discerning faculty of scents and 
odours very perceptible to women, who feel it 
fly from what is rank and unsavoury, and fol- 



PANTAGRUEL 



193 



low fragrant and aromatic smells. It is not un- 
known to me how Cl. Galen striveth with 
might and main to prove that these are not 
proper and particular notions proceeding in- 
trinsically from the thing itself, but acciden- 
tally, and by chance. Nor hath it escaped my 
notice, how others of that sect have laboured 
hardly, yea, to the utmost of their abilities, to 
demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discern- 
ing or perception in it of the difference of 
wafts and smells, but merely a various man- 
ner of virtue and efficacy, passing forth and 
flowing from the diversity of odoriferous sub- 
stances applied near unto it. Nevertheless, if 
you will studiously examine, and seriously 
ponder and weigh in Critolaus's balance the 
strength of their reasons and arguments, you 
shall find that they, not only in this, but in 
several other matters also of the like nature, 
have spoken at random, and rather out of an 
ambitious envy to check and reprehend their 
betters, than for any design to make inquiry 
into the solid truth. 

I will not launch my little skiff any further 
into the wide ocean of this dispute, only will 
I tell you that the praise and commendation 
is not mean and slender which is due to those 
honest and good women, who living chastely 
and without blame, have had the power and 
virtue to curb, range, and subdue that unbri- 
dled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient, 
submissive, and obsequious yielding unto rea- 
son. Therefore here will I make an end of my 
discourse thereon, when I shall have told you, 
that the said animal being once satiated if it 
be possible that it can be contented or satis- 
fiedby that aliment which nature hath pro- 
vided for it out of the epiclidymal storehouse 
of man, all its former and irregular and disor- 
dered motions are at an end, laid and as- 
suaged, all its vehement and unruly longings 
lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the fur- 
ious and raging lusts, appetites, and desires 
thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished. 
For this cause let it seem nothing strange un- 
to you, if we be in a perpetual danger of be- 
ing cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have 
not wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite 
and expectation of that voracious animal. Ods 
fish! quoth Panurge, have you no preventive 
cure in all your medicinal art for hindering 
one's head to be horny-graffed at home, whilst 
his feet are plodding abroad? Yes, that I have, 
my gallant friend, answered Rondibilis, and 
that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof I 
frequently make use myself; and, that you 



may the better relish, it is set down and writ- 
ten in the book of a most famous author, 
whose renown is of a standing of two thou- 
sand years. Hearken and take good heed. 
You are, quoth Panurge, by cocks-hobby, a 
right honest man, and I love you with all my 
heart. Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very 
proper and convenient for the shutting up of 
the orifice of the ventricle of the stomach, be- 
cause of a kind of astringent stypticity, which 
is in that sort of fruit, and is helpful to the first 
concoction. But what? I think I speak Latin 
before clerks. Stay till I give you somewhat to 
drink out of this Nestorian goblet. Will you 
have another draught of white hippocras? Be 
not afraid of the squinzy, no. There is neither 
squinanthus, ginger, nor grains in it; only a 
little choice cinnamon, and some of the best 
refined sugar, with the delicious white wine 
of the growth of that vine, which was set in 
the slips of the great sorb-apple, above the 
walnut tree. 

CHAPTER 33 

Rondibilis the Physician's cure of cuckold ry 

AT what time, quoth Rondibilis when Jupiter 
took a view of the state of his Olympic house 
and family, and that he had made the calen- 
dar of all the gods and goddesses, appointing 
unto the festival of every one of them its 
proper clay and season, establishing certain 
fixed places and stations for the pronouncing 
of oracles, and relief of travelling pilgrims, 
and ordaining victims, immolations, and sac- 
rifices suitable and correspondent to the dig- 
nity and nature ot the worshipped and adored 
deity. Did not he do, asked Panurge, therein, 
as Tinteville the bishop of Auxcrre is said 
once to have done? This noble prelate loved 
entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as every 
honest and judicious man doth; therefore was 
it that he had an especial care and regard to 
the bud of the vine tree, as to the great grand- 
father of Bacchus. But so it is, that for sundry 
years together, he saw a most pitiful havoc, 
desolation, and destruction made amongst 
the sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and 
scions of the vines, by hoary frost, dank fogs, 
hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, 
thick hail, and other calamitous chances of 
foul weather, happening, as he thought, by 
the dismal inauspiciousness of the Holy Days 
of St. George, St. Mary, St. Paul, St. Eutro- 
pius, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other 
festivals, in that time when the sun passeth 



194 



RABELAIS 



under the sign of Taurus; and thereupon har- 
boured in his mind this opinion, that the 
aforenamed saints were Saint Hail-flingers, 
Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and 
Saint Spoilers of the vine-buds. For which 
cause he went about to have transmitted their 
feasts from the spring to the winter, to be cel- 
ebrated between Christmas and Epiphany, so 
the mother of the three kings called it, allow- 
ing them with all honour and reverence the 
liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much 
as they would; for that he knew that at such a 
time frost was rather profitable than hurtful 
to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have 
placed the festivals of St. Christopher, St. 
John the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Ann, St. 
Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, and to have 
gone so far as to collocate and transpose the 
middle of August in and to the beginning of 
May, because during the whole space of their 
solemnity there was so little danger of hoary 
frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are 
then held in greater request, than the afforcl- 
ers of refrigerating inventions, makers of 
junkets, fit disposers of cooling shades, com- 
posers of green arbours, and refreshers of 
wine. 

Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor 
devil Cuckolclry, who was then in the court at 
Paris, very eagerly soliciting a piddling suit at 
law for one of his vassals and tenants. Within 
some few days thereafter, I have foi got how 
many, when he got full notice of the trick, 
which in his absence was done unto him, he 
instantly desisted from prosecuting legal 
processes in the behalf of others, full of solici- 
tude to pursue after his own business, lest he 
should be fore-closed, and thereupon he ap- 
peared personally at the tribunal of the great 
Jupiter, displayed before him the importance 
of his preceding merits, together with the ac- 
ceptable services, which in obedience to his 
commandments he had formerly performed; 
and therefore, in all humility, begged of him 
that he would be pleased not to leave him 
alone amongst all the sacred potentates, des- 
titute and void of honour, reverence, sacri- 
fices, and festival ceremonies. To this petition 
Jupiter's answer was excusatory, That all the 
places and offices of his house were bestowed. 
Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the 
continual supplications of Monsieur Cuck- 
olclry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, 
list, toll, rubric, and catalogue, and appoint- 
ed honours, sacrifices, and festival rites to be 
observed on earth in great devotion, and ten- 



dered to him with solemnity. The feast, be- 
cause there was no void, empty, nor vacant 
place in all the calendar, was to be celebrated 
jointly with and on the same day that had 
been consecrated to the goddess Jealousy. 
His power and dominion should be over mar- 
ried folks, especially such as had handsome 
wives. His sacrifices were to be suspicion, dif- 
fidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting sullen- 
ness, watchings, wardings, researchings, ply- 
ings, explorations, together with the waylay- 
ings, ambushes, narrow observations, and 
malicious doggings of the husbands' scouts 
and espials of the most privy actions of their 
wives. Here withal every married man was ex- 
pressly and rigorously commanded to rever- 
ence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate 
and solemnize his festival with twice more 
respect than that of any other saint or deity, 
and to immolate unto him, with all sincerity 
and alacrity of heart, the above-mentioned 
sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe 
censures, thrcatenings, and comminations of 
these subsequent fines, mulcts, amercements, 
penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on 
the delinquents; that Monsieur Cuckoldry 
should never be favourable nor propitious to 
them, that he should never help, aid, sup- 
ply, succour, nor grant them any subventi- 
tious furtherance, auxiliary, suffrage, or ad- 
miniculary assistance, that he should never 
hold them in any reckoning, account, or esti- 
mation, that he should never deign to enter 
within their houses, neither at the doors, win- 
dows, nor any other place thereof, that he 
should never haunt nor frequent their com- 
panies or conversations, how frequently so- 
ever they should invocate him, and call upon 
his name, and that not only he should leave 
and abandon them to rot alone with their 
wives in a sempiternal solitariness, without 
the benefit of the diversion of any copcsmate 
or corrival at all, but should withal shun and 
eschew them, fly from them, and eternally 
forsake and reject them as impious heretics 
and sacrilegious persons, according to the ac- 
customed manner of other gods, towards 
such as are too slack in offering up the duties 
and reverences which ought to be performed 
respectively to their divinities; as is evidently 
apparent in Bacchus towards negligent vine- 
dressers; in Ceres, against idle ploughmen 
and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to un- 
worthy fruiterers and costard-mongers; in 
Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and sea- 
faring men; in Vulcan towards loitering 



PANTAGRUEL 



195 



smiths and forgemen; and so throughout the 
rest. Now, on the contrary, this infallible 
promise was added, that unto all those who 
should make a Holy Day of the above-recited 
festival, and cease from all manner of world- 
ly work and negotiation, lay aside all their 
own most important occasions, and be so 
retchless, heedless, and careless of what 
might concern the management of their 
proper affairs, as to mind nothing else but a 
suspicious espying and prying into the secret 
deportments of their wives, and how to coop, 
shut up, hold at under, and deal cruelly and 
austerely with them, by all the harshness and 
hardships that an implacable and every way 
inexorable jealousy can devise and suggest, 
conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore- 
mentioned sacrifices and oblations, he should 
be continually favourable to them, should 
love them, sociably converse with them, 
should be day and night in their houses, and 
never leave them destitute of his presence. 
Now I have said, and you have heard my 
cure. 

Ha, ha, ha, quoth Carpalim, laughing, this 
is a remedy yet more apt and proper than 
Hans Carvel's ring. The devil take me if I do 
not believe it! The humour, inclination, and 
nature of women is like the thunder, whose 
force in its bolt, or otherwise, burneth, bruis- 
eth, and breaketh only hard, massive and re- 
sisting objects, without staying or stopping at 
soft, empty, and yielding matters. For it dash- 
eth into pieces the steel sword, without do- 
ing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which in- 
sheatheth it. It crushcth also, and consumeth 
the bones, without wounding or endamaging 
the flesh, wherewith they are veiled and cov- 
ered. Just so it is, that women for the greater 
part never bend the contention, subtlety, and 
contradictory disposition of their spirits, un- 
less it be to do what is prohibited and forbid- 
den. Verily, quoth Hippothadeus, some of our 
doctors aver for a truth, that the first woman 
of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, 
had hardly been induced or allured into the 
temptation of eating of the fruit of the tree of 
life, if it had not been forbidden her so to do. 
And that you may give the more credit to the 
validity of this opinion, consider how the cau- 
telous and wily tempter did commemorate un- 
to her, for an antecedent to his enthymeme,* 7 
the prohibition which was made to taste it; as 
being desirous to infer from thence, It is for- 
bidden thee; therefore thou shouldest eat of 
it, else thou canst not be a woman. 



CHAPTER 34 



How women ordinarily have the greatest 
longing after things prohibited 

WHEN I was, quoth Carpalim, a whore-mas- 
ter at Orleans, the whole art of rhetoric, in all 
its tropes and figures, was not able to afford 
unto me a colour or flourish of greater force 
and value; nor could I by any other form or 
manner of elocution pitch upon a more per- 
suasive argument for bringing young beauti- 
ful married ladies into the snares of adultery, 
through alluring and enticing them to taste 
with me of amorous delights, than with a 
lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright 
terms, and to remonstrate to them, (with a 
great show of detestation of a crime so hor- 
rid,) how their husbands were jealous. This 
was none of my invention. It is written, and 
we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily 
experiences confirmative of the same. If this 
belief once enter into their noodles, their hus- 
bands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by 
God, will they, without swearing, although 
they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, 
Egesta, the women of the Isle Mandez in 
Egypt, and other such like queanish flirting 
harlots, mentioned in the writings of Herodo- 
tus, Strabo, and such like puppies. 

Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it 
related, and it hath been told me for a verity, 
that Pope John XXII, passing on a day 
through the abbey of Toucherome, was in all 
humility required and besought by the ab- 
bess, and other discreet mothers of the said 
convent, to grant them an indulgence, by 
means whereof they might confess them- 
selves to one another, alleging, That religious 
women were subject to some petty secret slips 
and imperfections, which would be a foul 
and burning shame for them to discover and 
to reveal to men, how sacerdotal soever their 
function were: but that they would freelier, 
more familiarly, and with greater cheerful- 
ness, open to each other their offences, faults, 
and escapes, under the seal of confession. 
There is not anything, answered the pope, fit- 
ting for you' to impetrate of me, which I 
would not most willingly condescend unto: 
but I find one inconvenience. You know, con- 
fession should be kept secret, and women are 
not able to do so. Exceeding well, quoth they, 
most holy father, and much more closely than 
the best of men. 

The said pope on the very same day gave 
them in keeping a pretty box, wherein he 



196 



RABELAIS 



purposely caused a little linnet to be put, 
willing them very gently and courteously to 
lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and 
promising them, hy the faith of a pope, that 
he should yield to their request, if they would 
keep secret what was enclosed within that 
deposited box: enjoining them withal, not to 
presume one way nor other, directly or indi- 
rectly, to go about the opening thereof, under 
pain of the highest ecclesiastical censure, 
eternal excommunication. The prohibition 
was no sooner made, but that they did all of 
them boil with a most ardent desire to know 
and see what kind of thing it was that was 
within it. They thought it long already, that 
the pope was not gone, to the end they might 
jointly, with the more leisure and ease, apply 
themselves to the box-opening curiosity. 

The holy father, after he had given them 
his benediction, retired and withdrew him- 
self to the pontifical lodgings of his own pal- 
ace. But he was hardly gone three steps from 
without the gates of their cloister, when the 
good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled 
crowd, pressing hard on the backs of one an- 
other, ran thrusting and shoving who should 
be first at the setting open of the forbidden 
box, and descrying of the Quod latitat 4 * with- 
in. 

On the very next day thereafter, the pope 
made them another visit, of a full design, pur- 
pose, and intention, as they imagined, to dis- 
patch the grant of their sought and wished 
for indulgence. But before he would enter in- 
to any chat or communing with them, he 
commanded the casket to be brought unto 
him. It was done so accordingly; but, by your 
leave, the bird was no more there. Then was 
it, that the pope did represent to their mater- 
nities, how hard a matter and difficult it was 
for them to keep secrets revealed to them in 
confession, unmanifested to the ears of oth- 
ers, seeing for the space of four-and-twenty 
hours they were not able to lay up in secret a 
box, which he had highly recommended to 
their discretion, charge, and custody. 

Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, 
welcome! It did me good to hear you talk, the 
Lord be praised for all. I do not remember to 
have seen you before now, since the last time 
that you acted at Montpellier with our an- 
cient friends, Anthony Saporta, Guy Bour- 
guyer, Balthasar, Noyer, Tolet, John Quentin, 
Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis 
Rabelais, the moral comedy of him who had 
espoused and married a dumb wife. I was 



there, quoth Epistemon. The good honest 
man, her husband, was very earnestly urgent 
to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and 
would needs have her speak by any means. 
At his desire, some pains were taken on her, 
and partly by the industry of the physician, 
other part by the expertness of the surgeon, 
the encyliglotte which she had under her 
tongue being cut, she spoke, and spoke again; 
yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so 
much, so fiercely, and so long, that her poor 
husband returned to the same physician for a 
receipt to make her hold her peace. There are, 
quoth the physician, many proper remedies 
in our art to make dumb women speak, but 
there are none that ever I could learn therein 
to make them silent. The only cure which I 
have found out is their husband's deafness. 
The wretch became within few weeks there- 
after, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or en- 
chantments, which the physician had pre- 
scribed unto him, so deaf, that he could not 
have heard the thundering of nineteen hun- 
dred cannons at a salvo. His wife perceiving 
that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and 
that her scolding was but in vain, sith that he 
heard her not, she grew stark mad. 

Some time after, the doctor asked for his 
fee of the husband; who answered, That truly 
he was deaf, and so was not able to under- 
stand what the tenour of his demand might 
be. Whereupon the leech beclusted him with 
a little, I know not what, sort of powder; 
which rendered him a fool immediately, so 
great was the stultificating virtue of that 
strange kind of pulverised dose. Then did this 
fool of a husband, and his mad wife, join 
together, and falling on the doctor and 
the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and 
bang them, that they were left half dead 
upon the place, so furious were the blows 
which they received. I never in my lifetime 
laughed so much, as at the acting of that 
buffoonery. 

Let us come to where we left off, quoth 
Panurge. Your words, being translated from 
the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do 
signify, that it is not very inexpedient that I 
marry, and that I should not care for being a 
cuckold. You have there hit the nail on the 
head. I believe, master doctor, that on the 
day of my marriage you will be so much taken 
up with your patients, or otherwise so seri- 
ously employed, that we shall not enjoy your 
company. Sir, I will heartily excuse your ab- 
sence. 



PANTAGRUEL 



197 



Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia 

prima. 
Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana. 49 

You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the 
second verse of our distich; for it ought to run 
thus- 
Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia 



If my wife at any time prove to be unwell, 
and ill at ease, I will look upon the water 
which she shall have made in an urinal glass, 
quoth Rondibilis, grope her pulse, and see 
the disposition of her hypogaster, together 
with her umbilicary parts, according to the 
prescript rule of Hippocrates, 2. Aph. 35, 
before I proceed any further in the cure of 
her distemper. No, no, quoth Panurge, that 
will be but to little purpose. Such a feat is for 
the practice of us that are lawyers, who have 
the rubric, De ventre inspiciendo.** 1 Do not 
therefore trouble yourself about it master 
doctor: I will provide for her a plaster of 
warm guts. Do not neglect your more urgent 
occasions otherwhere, for coming to my wed- 
ding. I will send you some supply of victuals 
to your own house, without putting you to the 
trouble of coming abroad, and you shall al- 
ways be my special friend. With this, ap- 
proaching somewhat nearer to him, he 
clapped into his hand, without the speaking 
of so much as one word, four rose nobles. 
Rondibilis did shut his fist upon them right 
kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to 
make acceptance of such golden presents, he 
in a start, as if he had been wroth, said, He, 
he, he, he, he, there was no need of anything, 
I thank you nevertheless. From wicked folks 
I never get enough, and from honest people 
I refuse nothing. I shall be always, sir, at your 
command. Provided that I pay you well, 
quoth Panurge. That, quoth Rondibilis, is un- 
derstood. 

CHAPTER 35 

How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth 
the difficulty of marriage 

As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said 
to the philosopher Trouillogan, Our loyal, 
honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from 
hand to hand is come to you. It falleth to your 
turn to give an answer, should Panurge, pray 
you, marry, yea, or no? He should do both, 
quoth Trouillogan. What say you, asked Pan- 
urge? That which you have heard, answered 
Trouillogan. What have I heard? replied Pan- 



urge. That which I have said, replied Trouil- 
logan. Ha, ha, ha, are we come to that pass? 
quoth Panurge. Let it go nevertheless, I do 
not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no 
better of the game. But howsoever tell me, 
should I marry or no? Neither the one nor the 
other, answered Trouillogan. The devil take 
me, quoth Panurge, if these odd answers do 
not make me dote, and may he snatch me 
presently away, if I do understand you. Stay 
awhile, until I fasten these spectacles of mine 
on this left ear, that I may hear you better. 
With this Pantagruel perceived at the door of 
the great hall, which was that day their din- 
ing room, Gargantua's little dog, whose name 
was Kync; for so was Toby's dog called, as is 
recorded. Then did he say to these who were 
there present, Our king is not far off, let us 
all rise. 

That word was scarcely sooner uttered, 
than that Gargantua with his royal presence 
graced that banqueting and stately hall. Each 
of the guests arose to do their king that rever- 
ence and duty which became them. After 
that Gargantua had most affably saluted all 
the gentlemen there present, he said, Good 
friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein 
you will very much oblige me, that you leave 
not the places where you sate, nor quit the 
discourse you were upon. Let a chair be 
brought hither unto this end of the table, and 
reach me a cup full of the strongest and best 
wine you have, that I may drink to all the 
company. You are, in faith, all welcome, gen- 
tlemen. Now let me know, what talk you were 
about. To this Pantagruel answered, that at 
the beginning of the second service Panurge 
had proposed a problematic theme, to wit, 
Whether he should marry, or not marry? that 
Father Hippothudeus and Doctor Rondibilis 
had already dispatched their resolutions 
thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was 
coming in, the faithful Trouillogan in the de- 
livery of his opinion hath thus far proceeded, 
that when Panurge asked, whether he ought 
to marry, yea, or no? at first he made this an- 
swer, Both together. When this same ques- 
tion was again .propounded, his second an- 
swer was, Neither the one, nor the other. Pan- 
urge cxclaimeth, that those answers are full 
of repugnancies and contradictions, protest- 
ing that he understands them not, nor what it 
is that can be meant by them. If I be not mis- 
taken, quoth Gargantua, I understand it very 
well. The answer is not unlike to that which 
was once made by a philosopher in ancient 



198 



RABELAIS 



time, who being interrogated, if he had a 
woman, whom they named him, to his wife? 
I have her, quoth he, but she hath not me, 
possessing her, by her I am not possest. Such 
another answer, quoth Pantagruel, was once 
made by a certain bouncing wench of Sparta 
who being asked, if at any time she had had 
to do with a man? No, quoth she, but some- 
times men have had to do with me. Well then, 
quoth Rondibilis, let it be a neuter in physic, 
as when we say a body is neuter, when it is 
neither sick nor healthful, and a mean in 
philosophy; that, by an abnegation of both 
extremes, and this, by the participation of the 
one and of the other. Even as when luke- 
warm water is said to be both hot and cold; 
or rather, as when time makes the partition, 
and equally divides betwixt the two, a while 
in the one, another while as long in the other 
opposite extremity. The holy apostle, quoth 
Hippothadeus, seemeth, as I conceive, to 
have more clearly explained this point, when 
he said, Those that are married, let them be 
as if they were not married; and those that 
have wives let them be as if they had no 
wives at all. I thus interpret, quoth Pantag- 
ruel, the having and not having of a wife. To 
have a wife, is to have the use of her in such 
a way as nature hath ordained, which is for 
the aid, society, and solace of man, and prop- 
agating of his race. To have no wife is not 
to be uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy 
about her, and not for her sake to distain the 
lustre of that affection which man owes to 
God; or yet for her to leave those offices and 
duties which he owes unto his country, unto 
his friends and kindred; or for her to abandon 
and forsake his precious studies, and other 
businesses of account, to wait still on her will, 
her beck, and her buttocks. If we be pleased 
in this sense to take having and not having of 
a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy 
nor contradiction in the terms at all. 



CHAPTER 36 

A continuation of the answers of the Ephec- 
ticandPyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan 

You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon 
were green cheese. Such a tale once pissed 
my goose. I do not think but that I am let 
down into that dark pit, in the lowermost bot- 
tom where the truth was hid, according to the 
saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I 
hear nothing, understand as little, my senses 



are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do 
very shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I 
will now alter the former style of my dis- 
course, and talk to him in another strain. Our 
trusty friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but 
let us vary the chance, and speak without dis- 
junctives. I see already, that these loose and 
ill-joined members of an enunciation do vex, 
trouble and perplex you. 

Now go on, in the name of God! Should I 
marry? 

Trouillogan. There is some likelihood 
therein. 

Panurge. But if I do not marry? 

Trouil. I see in that no inconvenience. 

Pan. You do not? 

Trouil. None, truly, if my eyes deceive me 
not. 

Pan. Yea, but I find more than five hun- 
dred. 

Trouil. Reckon them. 

Pan. This is an impropriety of speech, I 
confess; for I do no more thereby, but take a 
certain for an uncertain number, and posit 
the determinate term for what is indetermi- 
nate. When I say therefore five hundred, my 
meaning is, many. 

Trouil. I hear you. 

Pan. Is it possible for me to live without a 
wife, in the name of all the subterranean dev- 
ils? 

Trouil. Away with these filthy beasts. 

Pan. Let it be then in the name of God; for 
my Salmigondinish people used to say, To lie 
alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish 
life. And such a life also was it assevered to 
be by Dido, in her lamentations. 

Trouil. At your command. 

Pan. By the pody cody, I have fished fair; 
where are we now? But will you tell me? 
Shall I marry? 

Trouil. Perhaps. 

Pan. Shall I thrive or speed well withal? 

Trouil. According to the encounter. 

Pan. But if in my adventure I encounter 
aright, as I hope I will, shall be I fortunate? 

Trouil. Enough. 

Pan. Let us turn the clean contrary way, 
and brush our former words against the wool: 
what if I encounter ill? 

Trouil. Then blame not me. 

Pan. But, of courtesy, be pleased to give 
me some advice. I heartily beseech you, what 
must I do? 

Trouil. Even what thou wilt. 

Pan. Wishy washy; trolly, lolly. 



PANTAGRUEL 



199 



Trouil. Do not invocate the name of any 
thing, I pray you. 

Pan. In me name of God, let it be so! My 
actions shall be regulated by the rule and 
square of your counsel. What is it that you 
advise and counsel me to do? 

Trouil. Nothing. 

Pan. Shall I marry? 

Trouil. I have no hand in it. 

Pan. Then shall I not marry? 

Trouil. I cannot help it. 

Pan. If I never marry, I shall never be a 
cuckold. 

Trouil. I thought so. 

Pan. But put the case that I be married. 

Trouil. Where shall we put it? 

Pan. Admit it be so then, and take my 
meaning, in that sense. 

Trouil. I am otherwise employed. 

Pan. By the death of a hog, and mother of 
a toad, O Lord, if I durst hazard upon a little 
fling at the swearing game, though privily 
and under thumb, it would lighten the bur- 
den of my heart, and ease my lights and reins 
exceedingly. A little patience, nevertheless, 
is requisite. Well then, if I marry, I shall be a 
cuckold. 

Trouil. One would say so. 

Pan. Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, 
discreet, and chaste woman, I shall never be 
cuckolded. 

Trouil. I think you speak congruously. 

Pan. Hearken. 

Trouil. As much as you will. 

Pan. Will she be discreet and chaste? This 
is the only point I would be resolved in. 

Trouil. I question it. 

Pan. You never saw her? 

Trouil. Not that I know of. 

Pan. Why do you then doubt of that which 
you know not? 

Trouil. For a cause. 

Pan. And if you should know her? 

Trouil. Yet more. 

Pan. Page, my little pretty darling, take 
here my cap, I give it to thee. Have a care 
you do not break the spectacles that are in it. 
Go down to the lower court. Swear there half 
an hour for me, and I shall in compensation of 
that favour swear hereafter for thee as much 
as thou wilt. But who shall cuckold me? 

Trouil. Somebody. 

Pan. By the belly of the wooden horse at 
Troy, Master Somebody, I shall bang, belam 
thee, and claw thee well for thy labour. 

Trouil. You say so. 



Pan. Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, 
who hath no white in his eye, carry me quite 
away with him, if, in that case, whensoever 
I go abroad from the palace of my domestic 
residence, I do not, with as much circum- 
spection as they use to ring marcs in our 
country to keep them from being sallied by 
stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon 
my wife. 

'Trouil Talk better. 

Pan. It is bien chicn, elite chante, well 
cacked, and cackled, shitten, and sung in 
matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat- 

Trouil. I do not gainsay it. 

Pan. Have a little patience. Seeing I can- 
not on this side draw any blood of you, I will 
try, if with the lancet of my judgment I be 
able to bleed you in another vein. Are you 
married, or are you not? 

Trouil. Neither the one nor the other, and 
both together. 

Pan. O the good God help us! By the death 
of a bufHe-ox, I sweat with the toil and travail 
that I am put to, and find my digestion broke 
off, disturbed, and interrupted; for all my 
phrenes, metaphrcnes, and diaphragms, 
back, belly, midrib, muscles, veins, and sin- 
ews, arc held in a suspense, and for a while 
discharged from their proper offices, to 
stretch forth their several powers and abili- 
ties, for mcornifistibulating, and laying up 
into the hamper of my understanding your 
various sayings and answers. 

Trouil. I shall be no hinderer thereof. 

Pan. Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, 
speak, are you married? 

Trouil I think so. 

Pan. You were also married before you had 
this wife. 

Trouil It is possible. 

Pan. Had you good luck in your first mar- 
riage? 

Trouil It is not impossible. 

Pan. How thrive you with this second wife 
of yours? 

Trouil Even as it pleaseth my fatal des- 
tiny. 

Pan. But what in good earnest? Tell me 
do you prosper well with her? 

Trouil It is likely. 

Pan. Come on, in the name of God. I vow, 
by the burden of Saint Christopher, that I 
had rather undertake the fetching of a fart 
forth of the belly of a dead ass, than to draw 
out of you a positive and determinate resolu- 
tion. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a 



200 



RABELAIS 



snatch at you, and get my claws over you. 
Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of 
hell, and confess the verity. Were you ever a 
cuckold? I say you who are here, and not that 
other you, who playeth below in the tennis- 
court? 

Trouil. No, if it was not predestinated. 

Pan. By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, 
reswear, forswear, abjure, and renounce: he 
evades and avoids, shifts and escapes me, 
and quite slips and winds himself out of my 
gripes and clutches. 

At these words Gargantua arose, and said, 
Praised be the good God in all things, but es- 
pecially for bringing the world into the height 
of refinedness beyond what it was when I first 
became acquainted therewith, that now the 
most learned and most prudent philosophers 
are not ashamed to be seen entering in at the 
porches and frontispieces of the schools of the 
Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephetic 
sects. Blessed be the holy name of God! Ver- 
itably, it is like henceforth to be found an en- 
terprise of much more easy undertaking, to 
catch lions by the neck, horses by the mane, 
oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, 
wolves by the tail, goats by the beard, and 
flying birds by the feet, than to entrap such 
philosophers in their words. Farewell, my 
worthy, dear, and honest friends. 

When he had done thus speaking, he with- 
drew himself from the company. Pantagruel, 
and others with him would have followed 
and accompanied him, but he would not per- 
mit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua 
departed out of the banqueting-hall, than 
that Pantagruel said to the invited guests; 
Plato's Tim&us, at the beginning always of a 
solemn festival convention, was wont to 
count those that were called thereto. We, on 
the contrary, shall at the closure and end of 
this treatment, reckon up our number. One, 
two, three; where is the fourth? I miss my 
friend Bridlegoose. Was not he sent for? Ep- 
istemon answered, That he had been at his 
house to bid and invite him, but could not 
meet with him; for that a messenger from the 
parliament of Myrelingois, in Myrelingues, 
was come to him, with a writ of summons, to 
cite and warn him personally to appear be- 
fore the reverend senators of the High Gourt 
there, to vindicate and justify himself at the 
bar, of the crime of prevarication laid to his 
charge, and to be peremptorily instanced 
against him, in a certain decree, judgment, or 
sentence lately awarded, given, and pro- 



nounced by him : and that, therefore, he had 
taken horse, and departed in great haste from 
his own house, to the end, that without peril 
or danger of falling into a default, or contu- 
macy, he might be the better able to keep the 
prefixed and appointed time. 

I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how 
that matter goeth. It is now above forty years, 
that he hath been constantly the judge of 
Fonsbeton, during which space of time he 
hath given four thousand definitive senten- 
ces. Of two thousand three hundred and nine 
whereof, although appeal was made by the 
parties whom he had judicially condemned, 
from his inferior judicatory to the supreme 
court of the parliament of Myrelingois, in 
Myrelingues, they were all of them neverthe- 
less confirmed, ratified, and approved of by 
an order, decree, and final sentence of the 
said sovereign court, to the casting of the ap- 
pellants, and utter overthrow of the suits 
wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever 
and a day. That now, in his old age, he should 
be personally summoned, who in all the fore- 
going time of his life hath demeaned himself 
so unblameably in the discharge of the office 
and vocation he had been called unto, it can- 
not assuredly be, that such a change hath hap- 
pened without some notorious misfortune 
and disaster. I am resolved to help and assist 
him in equity and justice to the uttermost ex- 
tent of my power and ability. I know the mal- 
ice, despite and wickedness of the world to 
be so much more now-a-days exasperated, in- 
creased, and aggravated by what it was not 
long since, that the best cause that is, how 
just and equitable soever it be, standeth in 
great need to be succoured, aided, and sup- 
ported. Therefore presently, from this very 
instant forth, do I purpose, till I see the event 
and closure thereof, most needfully to attend 
and wait upon it, for fear of some under-hand 
tiicky surprisal, cavilling pettifoggery, or fal- 
lacious quirks in law, to his detriment, hurt, 
or disadvantage. 

Then dinner being done, and the tables 
drawn and removed, when Pantagruel had 
very cordially and affectionately thanked his 
invited guests for the favour which he had 
enjoyed of their company, he presented them 
with several rich and costly gifts, such as jew- 
els, rings set with precious stones, gold and 
silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort 
of plate besides, and lastly, taking of them all 
his leave, retired himself into an inner cham- 
ber. 



PANTAGRUEL 



201 



CHAPTER 37 



How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take 
counsel of a fool 

WHEN Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, 
he, by a little sloping window in one of the 
galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not 
far from thence, walking alone, with the ges- 
ture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard, rav- 
ing, wagging, and shaking his hands, dan- 
dling, lolling, and nodding with his head, like 
a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having 
then called him nearer, spoke unto him thus. 
You are at this present, as I think, not unlike 
to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the 
more that she goeth about to rid and unwind 
herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, 
by endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet 
from the pilch whereto they stick, the fouler 
she is bewrayed with it, and the more strong- 
ly pestered therein. Even so is it with you. 
For the more that you labour, strive, and in- 
force yourself to disencumber, and extricate 
your thoughts out of the implicating involu- 
tions and letterings of the grievous and la- 
mentable gins and springs of anguish and 
perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in 
the relieving of you, and you remain faster 
bound than ever. Nor do 1 know for the re- 
moval of this inconveniency any remedy but 
one. 

Take heed, I have often heard it said in a 
vulgar proverb, The wise may be instructed 
by a fool. Seeing the answers and responses 
of sage and in judicious men have no manner 
of way satisfied you, take advice of some fool, 
and possibly by so doing you may come to get 
that counsel which will be agreeable to your 
own heart's-desire and contentment. You 
know how by the advice and counsel and 
prediction of fools, many kings, princes, 
states, and commonwealths have been pre- 
served, several battles gained, and divers 
doubts of a most perplexed intricacy re- 
solved. I am not so diffident of your memory, 
as to hold it needful to refresh it with a quo- 
tation of examples; nor do I so far undervalue 
your judgment, but that I think it will acqui- 
esce in the reason of this my subsequent dis- 
course. As he who narrowly takes heed to 
what concerns the dexterous management of 
his private affairs, domestic businesses, and 
those adoes which are confined within the 
strait-laced compass of one family, who is 
attentive, vigilant, and active in the economic 
rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit 



never strays from home, who loseth no occa- 
sion whereby he may purchase to himself 
more riches, and build up new heaps of treas- 
ure on his former wealth, and who knows 
warily how to prevent the inconveniences of 
poverty, is called a worldly wise man, though 
perhaps in the second judgment of the intel- 
ligences which are above, he be esteemed a 
fool, so, on the contrary is he most like, even 
in the thoughts of celestial spirits, to be not 
only sage, bnt to presage events to come by 
divine inspiration, who laying quite aside 
those cares which are conducible to his body, 
or his fortunes, and, as it were departing 
from himself, rids all his senses of terrene af- 
fections, and clears his fancies of those plod- 
ding studies which harbour in the minds of 
thriving men. All which neglects of sublunary 
things arc vulgarly imputed folly. After this 
manner, the son of Picus, King of the Latins, 
the great soothsayer Faunus, was called Fa- 
tuus by the witless rabble of the common peo- 
ple. The like we daily see practised amongst 
the comic players, whose dramatic rolls, in 
distribution of the personages, appoint the 
acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of 
the troop. In approbation also of this fashion 
the mathematicians allow the very same hor- 
oscope to princes and to sots. Whereof a right 
pregnant instance by them is given in the na- 
tivities of /Eneas and Chorocbus; the latter of 
which two is by Euphorion said to have been 
a fool; and yet had with the former the same 
aspects, and heavenly genethliac influences. 

T shall not, I suppose, swerve much from 
the purpose in hand, if I relate unto you, 
what John Andrew said upon the return of a 
papal writ, which was directed to the mayor 
and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by 
Panorme, upon the same Pontifical canon; 
Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by 
Jason, in his Councils, concerning Seyny 
John, the noted fool of Paris, and Caillette's 
fore great grandfather. The case is this. 

At Paris, in the roast-meat cookery of the 
Petit-Chastclet, before the cook-shop of one 
of the roast-meat sellers of that lane, a cer- 
tain hungry porter was eating his bread, after 
he had by parcels kept it a while above the 
reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, 
turning at a great fire, and found it so be- 
smoked with the vapour, to be savoury; 
which the cook observing, took no notice, till 
after having ravined his penny loaf, whereof 
no morsel had been unsmokified, he was 
about decamping and going away. But, by 



202 



RABELAIS 



your leave, as the fellow thought to have de- 
parted thence shot-free, the master-cook laid 
hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded 
payment for the smoke of his roast-meat. The 
porter answered, That he had sustained no 
loss at all, that by what he had done there 
was no diminution made of the flesh, that 
he had taken nothing of his, and that there- 
fore he was not indebted to him in anything. 
As for the smoke in question, that, although 
he had not been there, it would howsoever 
have been evaporated: besides, that before 
that time it had never been seen nor heard, 
that roast-meat smoke was sold upon the 
streets of Paris. The cook hereto replied, That 
he was not obliged nor any way bound to 
feed and nourish for nought a porter whom 
he had never seen before, with the smoke of 
his roast-meat, and thereupon swore, that if 
he would not forthwith content and satisfy 
him with present payment for the repast 
which he had thereby got, that he would take 
his crooked staves from off his back; which, 
instead of having loads thereafter laid upon 
them, should serve for fuel to his kitchen fires. 
Whilst he was going about so to do, and to 
have pulled them to him by one of the bottom 
rungs, which he had caught in his hand, the 
sturdy porter got out of his gripe, drew forth 
the knotty cudgel, and stood to his own de- 
fence. The altercation waxed hot in words, 
which moved the gaping hoydens of the sot- 
tish Parisians to run from all parts there- 
abouts, to see what the issue would be of that 
babbling strife and contention. In the interim 
of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny 
John, the fool and citizen of Paris, happened 
to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said 
to the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto 
the noble Seyny John, the decision of the dif- 
ference and controversy which is betwixt us? 
Yes, by the blood of a goose, answered the 
porter, I am content. Seyny John the fool, 
finding that the cook and porter had compro- 
mised the determination of their variance 
and debate to the discretion of his award and 
arbitrament, after that the reasons on either 
side, whereupon was grounded the mutual 
fierceness of their brawling jar, had been to 
the full displayed and laid open before him, 
commanded the porter to draw out of the fob 
of his belt a piece of money, if he had it. 
Whereupon the porter immediately without 
delay, in reverence to the authority of such a 
judicious umpire, put the tenth part of a sil- 
ver Philip into his hand. This little Philip 



Seyny John took, then set it on his left shoul- 
der, to try by feeling if it was of a sufficient 
weight. After that, laying it on the palm of 
his hand, he made it ring and tingle, to un- 
derstand by the ear if it was of a good alloy 
in the metal whereof it was composed. There- 
after he put it to the ball or apple of his left 
eye, to explore by the sight, if it was well 
stamped and marked; all which being done, 
in a profound silence of the whole doltish 
people, who were the spectators of this pag- 
eantry, to the great hope of the cook's, and 
despair of the porter's prevalency in the suit 
that was in agitation, he finally caused the 
porter to make it sound several times upon 
the stall of the cook's shop. Then with a pres- 
idential majesty holding his bauble, sceptre- 
like, in his hand, muffling his head with a 
hood of marten skins, each side whereof had 
the resemblance of an ape's face, sprucified 
up with ears of pasted paper, and having 
about his neck a bucked ruff, raised, fur- 
rowed, and ridged, with pointing sticks of the 
shape and fashion of small organ pipes, he 
first with all the force of his lungs coughed 
two or three times, and then with an audible 
voice pronounced this following sentence. 
The Court declareth, that the porter, who ate 
his bread at the smoke of the roast, hath civ- 
illy paid the cook with the sound of his mon- 
ey. And the said Court ordaineth, that every 
one return to his own home, and attend his 
proper business, without costs and charges, 
arid for a cause. This verdict, award, and ar- 
bitrement of the Parisian fool did appear so 
equitable, yea, so admirable to the aforesaid 
doctors, that they very much doubted, if the 
matter had been brought before the sessions 
for justice of the said place; or that the judg- 
es of the Rota at Rome had been umpires 
therein; or yet that the Areopagites them- 
selves had been the deciders thereof; if by 
any one part, or all of them together, it had 
been so judicially sententiated and awarded. 
Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by 
a fool. 

CHAPTER 38 

How Triboulet is set forth and blazoned by 
Pantagruel and Panurge 

BY my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture 
pleaseth me exceedingly well. 1 will therefore 
lay hold thereon, and embrace it. At the very 
motioning thereof, my right entrail seemeth 
to be widened and enlarged, which was but 



PANTAGRUEL 



just now hardbound, contracted, and costive. 
But as we have hitherto made choice of the 
purest and most refined cream of wisdom and 
sapience for our counsel, so would I now have 
to preside and bear the prime sway in our 
consultation as very a fool in the supreme de- 
gree. Triboulet, quoth Pantagruel, is com- 
pletely foolish, as I conceive. Yes, truly, an- 
swered Panurge, he is properly and totally a 
fool, a 



Pantagruel. 
Fatal f . 
Natural f . 
Celestial f . 
Erratic f . 
Eccentric f . 
^Etherial and 

Junonian f . 
Arctic f . 
Heroic f. 
Genial f . 
Inconstant f . 
Earthly f . 
Salacious and 

sporting f. 



Panurge. 
Jovial f. 
Mercurial f . 
Lunatic f . 
Ducal f . 
Common f . 
Lordly f . 
Palatin f. 
Principal f . 
Pretorian f. 
Elected f. 
Courtly f. 
Primipilary f . 
Triumphant f . 
Vulgar f . 



Jocund and wanton f . Domestic f . 
Pimpled f. Exemplary f. 

Freckled f. 



Bell-tinging f . 
Laughing and 

lecherous f . 
Nimming and 

filching f . 
Unpressed f . 
First broached f . 
Augustal f . 
Cassarine f . 
Imperial f . 
Royal f . 
Patriarchal f . 
Original f . 
Loyal f . 
Episcopal f . 
Doctoral f . 
Monachal f. 
Fiscal f. 
Extravagant f . 
Writhed f . 
Canonical f . 
Such another f . 
Graduated f. 
Commensal f. 
Primolicentiated f . 
Trainbearing f . 
Supererogating f. 
Collateral f . 



Rare outlandish f . 
Satrapal f. 
Civil f. 
Popular f. 
Familiar f . 
Notable f . 
Favourized f . 
Latinized f. 
Ordinary f. 
Transcendent f. 
Rising f . 
Papal f . 
Consistorian f . 
Conclavist f. 
Bullist f. 
Synodal f. 
Doting and raving f. 
Singular and 

surpassing f . 
Special and 

excelling f. 
Metaphysical f. 
Ecstatical f. 
Predicamental and 

categoric f . 
Predicable and 

enunciatory f . 
Decumane and 

superlative f . 



Pantagruel. 
Haunch and side f. 
Nestling, ninny, and 

youngling f . 
Flitting, giddy, and 

unsteady f. 
Brancher, novice, and 

cockney f . 
Haggard, cross, and 

forward f. 
Gentle, mild, and 

tractable f. 
Mail-coated f. 
Pilfering and 

purloining f . 
Tail-grown f . 
Grey peckled f . 
Pleonasmical f. 
Capital f . 
Hair-brained f. 
Cordial f . 
Intimate f. 
Hepatic f. 
Cupshotten and 

swilling f. 
Splenetic f . 
Windy f. 
Legitimate f. 
Azymathal f. 
Alrnicantarized f. 
Proportioned f. 
Chinnified f . 
Swollen and puffed- 

up f. 
Overcockrilifedled 

and fied f. 
Corollary f . 
Eastern f . 
Sublime f . 
Crimson f . 
Ingrained f. 
City f. 

Basely-accoutred f. 
Mast-headed f. 
Model f. 
Second notial f . 
Cheerful and. 

buxom f . 
Solemn f . 
Annual f. 
Festival f. 
Recreative f . 
Boorish and counter- 
feit f . 
Pleasant f . 
Privileged f . 



203 

Panurge. 

Dutiful and 
officious f. 

Optical and 
perspective f . 

Algoristic f. 

Algebraical f . 

Cabalistical and 
Massoretical f. 

Talmudical f. 

Algamalized f. 

Compendious f. 

Abbreviated f. 

Hyperbolical f. 

Anatomastical f. 

Allegorical f. 

Tropological f. 

Micher pincrust f . 

Heleroclit f. 

Summist f. 

Abridging f . 

Morish f. 

Leaden-scaled f . 

Mandatory f. 

Compassionate f. 

Titulary f . 

Crunching, showking, 
ducking f. 

Grim, stern, harsh, 
and wayward f. 

Well-hung and tim- 
bered f . 

Ill-clawed, pounced, 
and pawed f . 

Well-stoned f . 

Crabbed and unpleas- 
ing f. 

Winded and untaint- 
ed f. 

Kitchen-haunting f. 

Lofty and stately f. 

Spitrack f. 

Architrave f. 

Pedestal f. 

Tetragonal f. 

Renowned f . 

Rheumatic f . 

Flaunting and brag- 
gadochio f . 

Egregious f. 

Humorous and capri- 
cious f . 

Rude, gross, and ab- 
surd f . 

Large-measured f. 

Babble f . 



204 

Pantagruel. 

Rustical f. 

Proper and peculiar f . 

Ever ready f . 

Diapasonal f. 

Resolute f . 

Hieroglyphical f . 

Authentic f . 

Worthy f . 

Precious f . 

Fanatic f . 

Fantastical f . 

Symphatic f . 

Panic f. 

Limbecked and dis- 
tilled f. 

Comportable f . 

Wretched and heart- 
less f. 

Fooded f . 

Thick and threefold f . 

Damasked f. 

Ferny f . 

Unleavened f . 

Barytonant f. 

Pink and spot- 
powdered f . 

Musket-proof f. 

Pedantic f . 

Strouting f . 

Woodf. 

Greedy f . 

Senseless f . 

Godderlich f. 

Obstinate f. 

Contradictory f. 

Pedagogical f . 

Daftf. 

Drunken f. 

Peevish f . 

Prodigal f. 

Rash f. 

Plodding f . 



RABELAIS 



Panurge. 

Down-right f. 

Broad-listed f. 

Downsical-bearing f. 

Stale and over-worn f . 

Saucy and swagger- 
ing f. 

Full-bulked f. 

Gallant and vainglori- 
ous f . 

Gorgeous and gaudy 

Continual and inter- 
mitting f. 

Rebasing and round- 
ling f. 

Prototypal and pre- 
cedenting f . 

Prating f . 

Catechetic f. 

Cacodoxical f . 

Meridional f. 

Nocturnal f . 

Occidental f . 

Trifling f. 

Astrological and fig- 
ure-flinging f. 

Genethliac and horo- 
scopal f . 

Knavish f. 

Idiot f. 

Blockish f. 

Beetle-headed f . 

Grotesque f. 

Impertinent f. 

Quarrelsome f. 

Unmannerly f . 

Captious and sophis- 
tical f. 

Soritic f . 

Catholoproton f . 

Hoti and Dioti f . 

Alphos and Catati f . 



Pantagruel. If there was any reason why at 
Rome the Quirinal holiday of old was called 
the Feast of Fools; I know not, why we may 
not for the like cause institute in France the 
Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and 
solemnized over all the land. 

Panurge. If all fools carried cruppers. 

Pant . If he were the god Fatuus, of whom 
we have already made mention, the husband 
of the goddess Fatua, his father would be 
Good Day, and his grand-mother Good Even. 

Pan. If all fools paced, albeit he be some- 



what wry -legged, he would overlay at least a 
fathom at every rake. Let us go toward him 
without any further lingering or delay; we 
shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution of 
him. I am ready to go, and long for the issue 
of our progress impatiently. I must needs, 
quoth Pantagruel, according to my former 
resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose's 
trial. Nevertheless, whilst I shall be upon my 
journey towards Myrelingues, which is on 
the other side of the river of Loire, I will dis- 
patch Carpalim to bring along with him from 
Blois the fool Triboulet. Then was Carpalim 
instantly sent away, and Pantagruel at the 
same time, attended by his domestics, Pan- 
urge, Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, 
Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched 
forward on the high road to Myrelingues. 

CHAPTER 39 

How Pantagruel was present at the trial of 
Judge Bridlegoose, who decided causes 
and controversies in law by the chance and 
fortune of the dice 

ON the day following, precisely at the hour 
appointed, Pantagruel came to Myrelingues. 
At his arrival the presidents, senators, and 
counsellors prayed him to do them the hon- 
our to enter in with them, to hear the decision 
of all the causes, arguments, and reasons, 
which Bridlegoose in his own defence would 
produce, why he had pronounced a certain 
sentence, against the subsidy assessor, 
Toucheronde, which did not seem very equi- 
table to that centumviral court. Pantagruel 
very willingly condescended to their desire, 
and accordingly entering in, found Bridle- 
goose sitting within the middle of the inclo- 
sure of the said court of justice; who immedi- 
ately upon the coming of Pantagruel, accom- 
panied with the senatorial! members of that 
worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, 
had his indictment read, and for all his rea- 
sons, defences, and excuses, answered noth- 
ing else, but that he was become old, and that 
his sight of late was very much failed, and 
become dimmer than it was wont to be; in- 
stancing therewithal many miseries and ca- 
lamities, which old age bringeth along with 
it, and are concomitant to wrinkled elders; 
which not. per Archid. d. I. hxxvi. c. tanta. 
By reason of which infirmity he was not able 
so distinctly and clearly to discern the points 
and blots of the dice, as formerly he had been 
accustomed to do : whence it might very well 



PANTAGRUEL 



205 



have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted 
Isaac took Jacob for Esau, that I, after the 
same manner, at the decision of causes and 
controversies in law, should have been mis- 
taken in taking a quatre for a cinque, or trois 
for a deuce. This, I beseech your worships, 
quoth he, to take into your serious considera- 
tion and to have the more favourable opinion 
of my uprightness, (notwithstanding the pre- 
varication whereof I arn accused, in the mat- 
ter of Toucheronde's sentence,) for that at 
the time of that decree's pronouncing I only 
had made use of my small dice; and your 
worships, said he, knew very well, how by the 
most authentic rules of the law it is provided, 
That the imperfections of nature should nev- 
er be imputed unto any for crimes and trans- 
gressions; as appeareth, ff. de re milit. I. qui 
cum uno. ff. de rcg. Jur. 1. fere. ff. de ivdil. 
edict, per totum. ff. de term. mod. I. Divus 
Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in I. si vero. 
ff. Sol. Matr. And who would offer to do oth- 
erwise, should not thereby accuse the man, 
but nature, and the all-seeing providence of 
God, as is evident in I. maximum vitium, c. 
de lib. prxtor. 

What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, 
grand president of the said court, do you 
mean, my friend Bridlegoose? The dice, 
quoth Bridlegoose, of sentences at law, de- 
crees, and peremptory judgments, Alea ]u- 
diciorum, 5 * whereof is written Per Doct. 26. 
qu. 2. cap. sort. 1. nee emptio ff. dc contra- 
liend. empt. 1. quod debctur. ff. de pecul. et 
ibi BartoL, and which your worships do, as 
well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court 
of yours. So do all other righteous judges in 
their decision of processes, and final deter- 
mination of legal differences, observing that 
which hath been said thereof by D. Henri. 
Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et I. 
sed cum ambo. ff. de jud. Ubi Docto. Mark, 
that chance and fortune are good, honest, 
profitable, and necessary for ending of, and 
putting a final closure to dissensions and de- 
bates in suits at law. The same hath more 
clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Al- 
ex, c. comrnunia de leg. I. si duo. But how is 
it tha| you do these things? asked Trinqua- 
melle. I very briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall 
answer you, according to the doctrine and in- 
structions of Leg. ampliorem in refutatoriis 
par. c. de appel; which is conformable to 
what is said in Gloss. 1. 1. ff. quod. met. causa 
Gaudent brevitate moderni My practice is 
therein the same with that of your other wor- 



ships, and as the custom of the judicatory re- 
quires, unto which our law commandeth us 
to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to 
direct and regulate our actions and proce- 
dures; ut not. extra, de consuct. c. ex literiset 
ibi innoc. For having well and exactly seen, 
surveyed, overlooked, reviewed, recognized, 
read, and read over again, turned and tossed 
over, seriously perused and examined the 
bills of complaint, accusations, impeach- 
ments, indictments, warnings, citations, sum- 
monings, comparisons, appearances, man- 
dates, commissions, delegations, instructions, 
informations, inquests, preparatories, pro- 
ductions, evidences, proofs, allegations, de- 
positions, cross speeches, contradictions, sup- 
plications, requests, petitions, inquiries, 
instruments of the deposition of witnesses, 
rejoinders, replies, confirmations of former 
assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to re- 
joinders, writings, deeds, reproaches, disab- 
ling of exceptions taken, grievances, salva- 
tion-bills, re-examination oi witnesses, con- 
fronting of them together, declarations, de- 
nunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, 
letters of appeal, letters of attorney, instru- 
ments of compulsion, declinatories, anticipa- 
tories, evocations, messages, climissioris, is- 
sues, exceptions, dilatory pleas, demurs, com- 
positions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, returns, 
confessions, acknowledgements, exploits, ex- 
ecutions, and other such like confects, and 
spicerics, both at the one and the other side, 
as a good judge ought to do, conform to what 
hath been noted thereupon. Spec, de ordina- 
tion, paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. 
paragr. fin. et de rescriptis przcscnlcit. parag. 
1. I posit on the end of a table in my closet, 
all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and 
then allow unto him the first hazard of the 
dice, according to the usual manner of your 
other worships. And it is mentioned, I favor- 
abiliores ff. de reg. \\ir. et in cap. cum sunt 
eod. tit. lib. 6. which saith, Qunm sunt par- 
tium jura obscura, reo potius tavendum est 
quam actori. That being done, I thereafter 
lay down upon the other end of the same 
table the bags and sachels of the plaintiff, 
as your other worships are accustomed to do, 
visum visu, just over against one another: for, 
Opposita juxta se posita clarius elucescunt: 
ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his 

?ui sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in I. munerum 
mixta ff. de mun. et hon. Then do I likeways 
and semblably throw the dice for him, and 
forthwith liver him his chance. But quoth 



206 



RABELAIS 



Trinquamelle, my friend, how come you to 
know, understand and resolve, the obscurity 
of these various and seeming contrary pas- 
sages, in law, which are laid claim to by the 
suitors and pleading parties? Even just, quoth 
Bridlegoose, after the fashion of your other 
worships: to wit, when there are many bags 
on the one side, and on the other, I then 
use my little small dice, after the custom- 
ary manner of your other worships, in obedi- 
ence to the law, Semper in stipulationibus 
ff. de reg. jur. and the law versale veri- 
fieth that Eod. tit. semper in obscuris quod 
minimum est sequimur. 57 canonized in c. 
in obscuris, eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other 
large great dice, fair and goodly ones, which 
I employ in the fashion that your other 
worships use to do, when the matter is more 
plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when 
there are fewer bags. But when you have 
done all these fine things, quoth Trinqua- 
melle, how do you, my friend, award your de- 
crees, and pronounce judgment? Even as 
your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; 
for I give out sentence in his favour unto 
whom hath befallen the best chance by dice, 
judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes 
first. So our laws command, ff. qui pot. in 
pign. 1. creditor, c. de consul 1. Et de regul. 
jur. in 6. Qui prior est tempore potior est 
jure. 

CHAPTER 40 

How Bridlegoose givetli reasons, why lie 
looked over those lawpapers which he de- 
cided by the chance of the dice 

YEA, but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, 
seeing it is by the lot, chance, and throw of 
the dice that you award your judgments and 
sentences, why do not you deliver up these 
fair throws and chances, the very same day 
and hour, without any further procrastina- 
tion or delay, that the controverting party- 
pleaders appear before you? To what use can 
those writings serve you, those papers, and 
other procedures contained in the bags and 
pokes of the law-suitors? To the very same 
use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve your 
other worships. They are behoof ul unto me, 
and serve my turn in three things very ex- 
quisite, and authentic. First, For formality- 
sake; the omission whereof, that it maketh all, 
whatever is done, to be of no force nor value, 
is excellently well proved, by Spec. i. tit. de 
instr. edit, et tit. de rescript, present. Besides 



that, it is not unknown to you, who have had 
many more experiments thereof than I, how 
oftentimes, in judicial proceedings, the for- 
malities utterly destroy the materialities and 
substances of the causes and matters agitat- 
ed; for forma mutata, mutatur substantial 9 ff. 
ad exhib. 1. Julianus ff. ad leg. fals. I. si is qui 
quadraginta. Et extra, de decim. c. ad audi- 
entiam, et de celebrat. miss. c. in quadam. 

Secondly, They are useful and steadable to 
me, even as unto your other worships, in lieu 
of some other honest and healthful exercise. 
The late Master Othoman Vadat, [Vadere,] 
a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. de 
commit, et archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told 
me, That the lack and default of bodily ex- 
ercise is the chief, if not the sole and only, 
cause of the little health and short lives of all 
officers of justice, such as your worships and I 
am. Which observation was singularly well, 
before him, noted and remarked by Barthol- 
us in lib. 1. c. de sent, quae pro eo quod. 
Therefore is it that the practice of such-like 
exercitations is appointed to be laid hold on 
by your other worships, and consequently 
not to be denied unto me, who am of the 
same profession; Quia accessorium naturam 
sequitur principalis. BO de reg. jur. I. 7 et I. cum 
principalis, et 1. nihil dolo ff. eod. tit. ff. de 
fide-jus. 1. fide-jus, et extra de officio de leg. 
cap. i. Let certain honest and recreative 
sports and plays of corporeal exercises be al- 
lowed and approved of; and so far ff. de al. 
lus. et aleat. 1. solent. et autlient. ut omnes 
obed. in princ. col. 7. et ff. de prescript, verb. 
I. si gratuitam; ct 1. 1. cod. de spect. I. n. Such 
also is the opinion of D. Thonns, in secunda, 
secundae, Q. i. 168. Quoted to very good pur- 
pose, by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit rnagnus 
practicusf 1 and a solemn doctor, as Barbaria 
attesteth in principiis consil. Wherefore the 
reason is evidently and clearly deduced and 
set down before us in gloss, in prosemio ff. 
par. ne autem tertii. 

Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. 62 

In very deed, once, in the year a thousand 
four hundred fourscore and nine, haying a 
business concerning the portion and inherit- 
ance of a younger brother depending in the 
court and chamber of the four High Treasur- 
ers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got 
leave to enter, by a pecuniary permission of 
the usher thereof, as your other worships 
know very well, that pecunise obediunt om- 



PANTAGRUEL 



207 



nia, 63 and there, says Baldus, in I. singularia 
ff. si cert. pet. et Salic, in I. receptitia. Cod. de 
constit. pecuni. et Card, in Clem. i. de bap- 
tism. I found them all recreating and divert- 
ing themselves at the play called muss, either 
before or after dinner: to me, truly, it is a 
think altogether indifferent, whether of the 
two it was, provided that hie nof., 64 that the 
game of the muss is honest, healthful, an- 
cient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo 
cod. de petit, hsered. 1. si post motam, et Mus- 
carii. Such as play and sport at the muss are 
excusable in and by law, lib. i. c. de excus. ar- 
tific. lib. 10. And at the very same time was 
Master Tielman Piquet one of the players of 
that game of muss. There is nothing that I do 
better remember, for he laughed heartily, 
when his fellow-members of the aforesaid ju- 
dicial chamber spoiled their caps in swinge- 
ing of his shoulders. He, nevertheless, did 
even then say unto them, that the banging 
and flapping of him to the waste and havoc 
of their caps, should not, at their return from 
the palace to their own houses, excuse them 
from their wives, Per c. extra, de pr&surnpt. 
et ibi gloss. Now, resolntorie loquendo 65 I 
should say, according to the style and phrase 
of your other worships, that there is no ex- 
ercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all 
this palatine, palacial, or parliamentary 
world, more aromatizing and fragrant, than 
to empty and void bags and purses turn over 
papers and writings quote margins and 
backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and 
take inspection of causes Ex Bart, et Joan, de 
Pra. in /. falsa de condit. et demonst. ff. 

Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships 
used to do, that time ripeneth and bringeth 
all things to maturity, that by time every- 
thing cometh to be made manifest and pat- 
ent, and that time is the father of truth and 
virtue. Gloss, in 1. 1. cod. de servit authent. de 
restit. et ea quse pa. et spec, tit de requisit. 
cons. Therefore is it, that after the manner 
and fashion of your other worships, I defer, 
protract, delay, prolong, intermit, surcease, 
pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, 
wire-draw, and shift off the time of giving a 
definitive sentence, to the end that the suit or 
process, being well fanned and winnowed, 
tossed and canvassed to and fro, narrow- 
ly, precisely, and nearly garbelled, sifted, 
searched, and examined, and on all hands ex- 
actly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by 
succession of time, come at last to its full ripe- 
ness and maturity. By means whereof, when 



the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereup- 
on, the parties cast or condemned by the said 
aleatory chance will with much greater pa- 
tience, and more mildly and gently, endure 
and bear up the disastrous load of their mis- 
fortune, than if they had been sentenced at 
their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. 
de excus. tut. I. tria onera. 

Portatnr leviter quod portat quisque 
libenter. 66 

On the other part, to pass a decree or sen- 
tence, when the action is raw, crude, green, 
unripe, and unprepared as at the beginning, 
a danger would ensue of a no less inoonvcni- 
ency than that which the physicians have 
been wont to say befalleth to him in whom an 
imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or 
unto any other, whose body is purged of a 
strong predominating humour before its di- 
gestion. For as it is written, in authent. hire 
constit. in Innoc. de consist, princip.so is the 
same repeated in gloss, in c. cseterum extra 
de jura, calumn. Quod medicamcnta morhis 
exhibent, hoc jura negotiis. 67 Nature further- 
more admonisheth and teacheth us to gather 
and reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are 
ripe, and not before. Instit. de rer. div. par- 
agr. is ad quern, et ff. de action, empt. 1. Juli- 
anus. To marry likewise our daughters when 
they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de donation, 
inter vir. et uxor. 1. cum. hie status, paragr. si 
quis sponsam et 27 qu. i. c. sicut dicit gloss. 

Jam matura thoro plenis adolcverat annis 
Virginitas. 

And, in a word, she instructeth us to do 
nothing of any considerable importance, but 
in a full maturity and ripeness, 23 q. 2. ult. 
et 23 de c. ultimo. 

CHAPTER 41 

How Bridle goose relatcth the history of the 
reconcilers* of parties at variance in matters 
of law 

I REMEMBER to the same purpose, quoth Bri- 
dlegoose, in continuing his discourse, that in 
the time when at Poictiers I was a student of 
law under Brocadium Juris, 69 there was at 
Semerve one Peter Dendin, a very honest 
man, careful labourer of the ground, fine 
singer in a church desk, of good repute and 
credit, and older than the most aged of all 



208 



RABELAIS 



your worships, who was wont to say, that he 
had seen the great and goodly good man, the 
Council of Lateran, with his wide and broad- 
brimmed red hat. As also, that he had beheld 
and looked upon the fair and beautiful prag- 
matical sanction, his wife, with her huge ros- 
ary or patenotrian chapelet of jet beads, 
hanging at a large sky-coloured riband. This 
honest man compounded, attoned, and agreed 
more differences, controversies, and variances 
at law, than had been determined, voided, and 
finished during his time in the whole palace 
of Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, 
and in the town-house of the old Partenay. 
This amicable disposition of his rendered him 
venerable, and of great estimation, sway, 
power, and authority throughout all the 
neighboring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, 
Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux, Estables, and 
other bordering and circumjacent towns, vil- 
lages, and hamlets. All their debates were pa- 
cified by him; he put an end to their brabling 
suits at law, and wrangling differences. By 
his advice and counsels were accords and rec- 
oncilements no less firmly made, than if the 
verdict of a sovereign judge had been inter- 
posed therein, although, in very deed, he 
was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as 
you may well conceive,- rg. in .1 scd si unius 
ff. de jurejur. ct de verbis obligatorily I. con- 
timtns. There was not a hog killed within 
three parishes of him, whereof he had not 
some part of the haslet and puddings. He was 
almost every day invited either to a marriage- 
banquet, christening-feast, an uprising or 
women-churching treatment, a birthday's an- 
niversary, solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, 
or otherwise to some delicious entertainment 
in a tavern, to make some accord and agree- 
ment between persons at odds, and in debate 
with one another. Remark what I say; for he 
never yet settled and compounded a differ- 
ence betwixt any two at variance, but he 
straight made the parties agreed and pacified 
to drink together, as a sure and infallible tok- 
en and symbol of a perfect and completely 
well-cemented reconciliation, a sign of a 
sound and sincere amity, and proper mark of 
a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon, 
Ut not. per doct. ff. de peric. et com. rei 
vend. 1. i. He had a son, whose name was 
Tenot Dendin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisk- 
ing roister, so help me God, who likewise, in 
imitation of his peace-making father, would 
have undertaken and meddled with the mak- 
ing up of variances and deciding of contro- 



versies between disagreeing and contentious 
party -pleaders: as you know, 

Ssepe solet similis filins essc patri, 
Et seqtiitur leviter filia rnatris tier. 70 

Ut ait gloss. 6. quxst. i. c. Si quis, gloss, de 
cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin. et est not. per Doct. cod. 
de impub. et aliis substit. 1. ult. et I. legitime. 
ff. de stat. horn, gloss, in I. quod, si nolit. ff. 
de sedil. edict. I. quisqnis c. ad leg. Jul. ma- 
jest. Excipio filios a moniali susceptos ex mon- 
acho. per gloss, in c. impudicas. 27. quses- 
tione i. And such was his confidence to have 
no worse success than his father, that he as- 
sumed unto himself the title of Lawstrife-set- 
tler. He was likewise in these pacificatory ne- 
gotiations so active and vigilant, for, Vigi- 
lantibus jura subveniunt. 71 ex. 1. pupillus. ff. 
qu& in fraud, cred, et ibid. 1. non enim, et in- 
stit. in proiem. that when he had smelt, 
heard, and fully understood,!^ ff. si quando 
paup. fee. I. Agaso. gloss, in verb, olfecit, id 
est, nasinn ad culnm posuitand found that 
there was anywhere in the country a clebatea- 
ble matter at law, he would incontinently 
thrust in his advice, and so forwardly intrude 
his opinion in the business, that he made no 
bones of making offer, and taking upon him 
to decide it, how difficult soever it might hap- 
pen to be, to the full contentment and satis- 
faction of both parties. It is written, Qtii non 
laborat non manige ducat; 72 and the said gl. 
ff. de damn, infect. I. quamvis and Currere 
plus que le pas vetulam compellit egestas 73 
gloss, ff. de lib. agnosc. 1. si quis pro qua facit. 
I. si plures. c. de condit. incert. But so hugely 
great was his misfortune in this his undertak- 
ing, that he never composed any difference, 
how little soever you may imagine it might 
have been, but that, instead of reconciling 
the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, 
and exasperate them to a higher point of 
dissension and enmity than ever they were 
at before. Your worships know, I doubt not 
that, 

Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. 1 * 

Gl. ff. de alien, jud. mut. cans. fa. lib. 2. This 
administered unto the tavern-keepers, wine- 
drawers and vintners of Semerve an occasion 
to say, that under him they had not in the 
space of a whole year so much reconciliation- 
wine, for so were they pleased to called the 
good wine of Leguge, as under his father they 



PANTAGRUEL 



209 



had done in one half hour's time. It happened 
a little while thereafter, that he made a most 
heavy regret thereof to his father, attributing 
the causes of his bad success in pacificatory 
enterprizes to the perversity, stubbornness, 
froward, cross, and backward inclinations of 
the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and 
irreverently upbraiding, that if, but a score of 
years before the world had been so wayward, 
obstinate, previcacious, implacable, and out 
of all square, frame, and order, as it was then, 
his father had never attained to and acquired 
the honour and title of Strife-appeaser, so ir- 
refragably, inviolably, and irrevocably as he 
had done. In doing whereof Tenot did hei- 
nously transgress against the law which pro- 
hibiteth children to the actions of their par- 
ents; per gl. ct Bart. I. 3. paragr. si qnis. ff. de 
concL ob cans, ct authent. de nupt. par. sed 
quod sancitutn. col. 4. To this the honest old 
father answered thus. My son Denclin, when 
Don Oportet 15 taketh place, this is the course 
which we must trace. #/. c. de appell. 1. eos 
ctiam. For the road that you went upon was 
not the way to the fuller's mill, nor in any part 
thereof was the form to be found wherein the 
haie did sit. Thou hast not the skill and dex- 
terity of settling and composing differences. 
Why? Because thou takest them at the begin- 
ning, in the very infancy and bud as it were, 
when they are green, raw, and indigestible. 
Yet I know, handsomely and featly, how to 
compose and settle them all. Why? Because I 
take them at their decadence, in their wean- 
ing, and when they are pretty well digested. 
So saith Gloss : 

Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula 
ductus. 

L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et corn- 
mitt, stip. Didst thou ever hear the vulgar 
proverb, "Happy is the physician, whose 
coming is desired at the declension of a dis- 
ease"? For the sickness being come to a crisis 
is then upon the decreasing hand, and draw- 
ing towards an end, although the physician 
should not repair thither for the cure thereof; 
whereby, though nature wholly do the work, 
he bears away the palm and praise thereof. 
My pleaders, after tne same manner, before I 
did interpose my judgment in the reconciling 
of them, were waxing faint in their contesta- 
tions. Their altercation heat was much abat- 
ed, and, in declining from their former strife, 
they of themselves inclined to a firm accom- 



modation of their differences; because there 
wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour 
and despightful wrangling, whereof the lower 
sort of lawyers were the kindlers. That is to 
say, their purses were emptied of coin, they 
had not a win in their fob, nor penny in their 
bag, wherewith to solicit and present their 
actions. 

Dcficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia. 11 

There wanted then nothing but some 
brother to supply the place of a paranymph, 
braw-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who act- 
ing his part dexterously, should be the first 
broacher of the motion of an agreement, for 
saving both the one and the other party from 
that hurtful and pernicious shame, whereof 
he could not have avoided the imputation, 
when it should have been said, that he was 
the first who yielded and spoke of a reconcile- 
ment; and that, therefore, his cause not being 
good, and being sensible where his shoe did 
pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, 
and make the greater haste to prepare the 
way for a condesccndment to an amicable 
and friendly treaty. Then was it that I came 
in pudding time, Dcndin, my son, nor is the 
fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas, 
than was my verdict then agreeable to .them. 
This was my luck, my profit, and good for- 
tune. I tell thee, my jolly son Den din, that by 
this rule and method I could settle a firm 
peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms, 
and truce for many years to come betwixt the 
Great King and the Venetian State, the Em- 
peror and the Cantons of Switzerland, the 
English and the Scots, and betwixt the pope 
and the Ferrarians. Shall I go yet further? 
Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt 
the Turk and the Sophy, the Tartars and the 
Muscoviters. Remark well, what I am to say 
unto thee. I would take them at that very in- 
stant nick of time, when both those of the one 
and the other side should be weary and tired 
of making war, when they had voided and 
emptied their- own cashes and coffers of all 
treasure and coin, drained and exhausted the 
purses and bags of their subjects, sold and 
mortgaged their domains and proper inheri- 
tances, and totally wasted, spent, and con- 
sumed the munition, furniture, provision, and 
victuals, that were necessary for the continu- 
ance of a military expedition. There I am 
sure, by God, or by his mother, that, would 
they, would they not, in spite of all teeth, they 



210 



RABELAIS 



should be forced to take a little respite and 
breathing time to moderate the fury and cruel 
rage of their ambitious aims. This is the doc- 
trine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando. 

Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo. 

CHAPTER 42 

How suits at law are bred at first, and how 
they come afterwards to their perfect 
growth 

FOR this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on 
in his discourse, I temporize and apply my- 
self to the times, as your other worships use 
to do, waiting patiently for the maturity of 
the process, the full growth and perfection 
thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings 
and the bags. Arg. in I. si major, c. commnn. 
divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnities, et ibi 
gl. A suit in law at its production, birth, and 
first beginning, seemeth to me, as unto your 
other worships, shapeless, without form or 
fashion, incomplete, ugly, and imperfect even 
as a bear, at his first coming into the world, 
hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but 
is merely an inform, rude, and ill-favoured 
piece and lump of flesh, and would remain 
still so, if his clam, out of the abundance of 
her affection to her hopeful cub, did not with 
much licking put his members into that figure 
and shape which nature had provided for 
those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. 
Doct. ad. 1. Aqnil. I. 2. in fin. Just so do I see, 
as your other worships do, processes and suits 
of law, at their first bringing forth to be num- 
berless, without shape, deformed, and disfig- 
ured, for that then they consist only of one or 
two writings, or copies of instruments, 
through which defect they appear unto me, 
as to your other worships, foul, loathsome, 
filthy, and mis-shapen beasts. But when there 
are heaps of these legiformal papers packed, 
piled, laid up together, impoked, insacheled, 
and put up in bags, then is it that with a 
good reason we may term that suit, to which, 
as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and mem- 
bers thereof, they do pertain, and belong, 
well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed, 
strong set, and in all and each of its dimen- 
sions most completely membered. Because 
forma dat esse rei. 1. si is qui. ff. ad leg. Fal- 
cid. in c. cum dilecta de rescript. Barbat. con- 
cil. 12. lib. 2. and before him Baldus, in c. lilt, 
extra de consuet. et 1. Julianus ff. ad exhib. et. 
1. quzesitum ff. de leg. 3. The manner is such 



as is set down in gl. p. quasst. 1. c. Paulus. 
Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur. 

Like your other worships also, the ser- 
geants, catchpoles, pursuivants, messengers, 
summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, 
pettifoggers, attornies, proctors, commission- 
ers, justices of the peace, judge delegates, ar- 
bitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, 
inquisitors, jurors, searchers, examiners, no- 
taries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks, 
prenotaries, secondaries, and expedanean 
judges, de quibus tit. est. I. 3. c., by sucking 
very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and 
licking at the purses of the pleading parties, 
they, to the suits already begot and engen- 
dered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, 
claws, talons, beaks, bills, teeth, hands, veins, 
sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so 
forth, through all the similary and dissimilary 
parts of the whole; which parts, particles, 
pendicles, and appurtenances, are the law 
pokes and bags, gl. de cons. d. 4. accepisti. 

Qualis vestis crit, talia corda gerit.* 1 

Hie notandurn e.sf, 82 that in this respect the 
pleaders, litigants, and law-suiters are hap- 
pier than the officers, ministers, and adminis- 
trators of justice, For beatius est dare quam 
accipere, ff. commun. 1. 3. extra, de celebr. 
Miss. c. cum Marthx. et 24. quuest. 1. cap. 
Od. gl 

Affectum dantis pcnsat censura tonantis* 4 

Thus becometh the action or process, by their 
care and industry to be of a complete and 
goodly bulk, well-shaped, framed, formed, 
and fashioned, according to the canonical 
gloss. 

Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia 
papse. 

Which speech hath been more clearly ex- 
plained by Albert de Ros, in verbo Roma. 

Roma mantis rodit, quas rodere non valet, 

odit. 
Dantes cmtodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. 

The reason whereof is thought to be this : 
Adprsesens ova, eras pullis sunt meliora* 1 



PANTAGRUEL 



211 



ut est gl. in 1. quum hi. ff. de transact. Nor is 
this all; for the inconvenience of the contrary 
is set down in gloss, c. de cilia, fin. 

Quum labor in damno est, crcscit mortalis 

egestas. 

In confirmation whereof we find, that the true 
etymology and exposition of the word process 
is purchase; viz. of good store of money to 
the lawyers, and of many pokes, id est Prou 
Sacks, to the pleaders: upon which subject 
we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds. 

Litigando jura crescunt, litigando jus 



Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. fie pnrsympt. et 
c. de prob. 1. instrum. I. non epistolis. I. non 
nudis. 

Et si non prosunt singida, multa juvant. 

Yea, but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you 
proceed, my friend, in criminal causes, the 
culpable and guilty party being taken and 
seized upon, fagrante crirninc? n Even as 
your other worships use to do, answered Bri- 
dlegoose. First, I peimit the plaintiff to de- 
part from the court, enjoining him not to pre- 
sume to return thither, till he preallably 
should have taken a good sound and pro- 
found sleep, which is to serve lor the prime 
entry and introduction to the legal carrying 
on of the business. In the next place, a formal 
report is to be made to me of his having slept. 
Thirdly, I issue forth a warrant to convene 
him before me. Fourthly, lie is to produce a 
sufficient and authentic attestation of his hav- 
ing thoroughly and entirely slept, conform to 
the Gloss, 32. Quest. 7. c. Si (juts cum. 

Quandocjiie bonus dormitat Homerus* 2 

Being thus far advanced in the formality of 
the process, I find that this consopiating act 
engendereth another act, whence ariseth the 
articulating of a member. That again pro- 
duceth a third act, fashionative of another 
member; which third bringeth forth a fourth, 
procreative of another act. New members in 
a no fewer number are shapen and framed, 
one still breeding and begetting another as 
link after link, the coat of mail at length is 
made till thus piece after piece, by little and 
little, by information upon information, the 



process be completely well-formed and per- 
fect in all his members. Finally, having pro- 
ceeded this length, I have recourse to my 
dice, nor is it to be thought, that this interrup- 
tion, respite, or interpellation is by me occa- 
sioned without very good reason inducing me 
thereunto, and a notable experience of a 
most convincing and irrefragable force. 

I remember, on a time, that in the camp at 
Stockholm, there was a certain Gascon named 
Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sev- 
er, who having lost all his money at play, and 
consecutively being very angry thereat as 
you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait 
Anto. de Burtio, in c. accedens. 2. extra ut lit. 
non contest, et Bald, in 1. sis tuis. c. de opt. 
leg. per tot. in I. advocati. e. de advoc. div. 
jud. pecunia est vita liominis fideiussor in 
nccessitatibus^tdid, at his corning forth of 
the gaming-house in the presence of the 
whole company that was there, with a very 
loud voice, speak in his own language these 
following words: "Pao cap de bious, hillots, 
(jue man de pippe bous tresbire: ares que de 
})ergudes sont les mies bingt, et quouatre ba- 
(jueltcs, ta pla donncrien piez, trucz, et pa- 
lactz; Sei degun de bous aulx, qui boille tru- 
ijtiar ambc ion a bels embis." Finding that 
none would make him any answer, he passed 
from thence to that part of the leaguer where 
the huff-snuff, honder-sponder, swash-buck- 
ling High Germans were, to whom he re- 
nowed these very terms, provoking them to 
fight with him; but all the return he had from 
them to his stout challenge was only, "Der 
(rftscongner thut sich ausz mit eirn icden zu 
scJilagcn, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen; 
durum } liebe jrautven, habt sorg zu euerm 
hanszrath." Finding also, that none of that 
band of Teutonic soldiers offered himself to 
the combat, he passed to that quarter of the 
leaguer where the French free-booting ad- 
venturers were encamped, and, reiterating 
unto them what he had before repeated to the 
Dutch warriors, challenged them likewise to 
fight with him, and therewithal made some 
pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols, to 
oblige them the more cheerfully and gallant- 
ly to cope with him in the lists of a ducllizing 
engagement; but no answer at all was made 
unto him. Whereupon the Gascon, despairing 
of meeting with any antagonists, departed 
from thence, and laying himself down, not 
far from the pavilions of the grand Christian 
cavalier Crisse, fell fast asleep. When he had 
thoroughly slept an hour or two, another ad- 



212 



RABELAIS 



venturous and all-hazarding blade of the for- 
lorn hope of the lavishingly-wasting game- 
sters, having also lost all his monies, sallied 
forth with a sword in his hand, in a firm reso- 
lution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon, see- 
ing he had lost as well as he. 

o 

Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris, 95 

saith the Gl. de psenitent, distinct. 3. c. sunt 
plnrcs. To this effect having made inquiry and 
search for him throughout the whole camp, 
and in sequel thereof found him asleep, he 
said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in the 
name of all the devils of hell rise up, rise up, 
get up! I have lost my money as well as thou 
hast done, let us therefore go fight lustily to- 
gether, grapple and scuffle it to some pur- 
pose. Thou mayest look and see that my tuck 
is no longer than thy rapier. The Gascon, al- 
together astonished at his unexpected provo- 
cation, without altering his former dialect, 
spoke thus: "Cap de Sanct Arnaud, quau seys 
tu, qni me rebeilles? Que mau de taoverne te 
gire. Ho San Siobe, cap de Gasciogne, ta pla 
donnie ion, quand aquocst taquain me bingut 
estee" The venturous roister inviteth him 
again to the duel, but the Gascon, without 
condescending to his desire, said only this. 
"He pauvret, iou te esquinerio ares que son 
pla reposat. Vai/ne un pauqne qui te posar 
comme iou, puesse truqncrcn." Thus, in for- 
getting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which 
he had to fight. In conclusion, after that the 
other had likewise slept a little, they, instead 
of fighting, and possibly killing one another, 
went jointly to a sutler's tent, where they 
drank together very amicably, each upon the 
pawn of his sword. Thus by a little sleep was 
pacified the ardent fury of two warlike cham- 
pions. There, gossip, comes the golden word 
of John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent, et re judic. 
I. sexto. 

Sedendo et quiescendo fit anima prudens. 

CHAPTER 43 

How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the 
matter of sentencing actions at law by the 
chance of the dice 

WITH this Bridlegoose held his peace. Where- 
upon Trinquamelle bid him withdraw from 
the court, which accordingly was done, and 
then directed his discourse to Pantagruel af- 
ter this manner. It is fitting, most illustrious 



prince, not only by reason of the deep obliga- 
tions wherein this present parliament, togeth- 
er with the whole Marquisate of Myrelingues, 
stand bound to your Royal Highness, for the 
innumerable benefits, which, as effects of 
mere grace, they have received from your in- 
comparable bounty; but for that excellent wit 
also, prime judgment, and admirable learn- 
ing wherewith Almighty God, the giver of all 
good things, hath most richly qualified and 
endowed you; that we tender and present un- 
to you the decision of this new, strange, and 
paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; who, in your 
presence, to your both hearing and seeing, 
hath plainly confessed his final judging and 
determinating of suits of law, by the mere 
chance and fortune of the dice. Therefore do 
we beseech you, that you may be pleased to 
give sentence therein, as unto you shall seem 
most just and equitable. To this Pantagruel 
answered, Gentlemen, It is not unknown to 
you, how my condition is somewhat remote 
from the profession of deciding law contro- 
versies; yet, seeing you are pleased to do me 
the honour to put that task upon me, instead 
of undergoing the office of a judge, I will be- 
come your humble supplicant. I observe, gen- 
tlemen, in this Bridlegoose several things, 
which induce me to represent before you, 
that it is my opinion he should be pardoned. 
In the first place, his old age; secondly, his 
simplicity; to both which qualities our statute 
and common laws, civil and municipal to- 
gether, allow many excuses for any slips or 
escapes, which, through the invincible imper- 
fection of either, have been inconsiderably 
stumbled upon by a person so qualified. 
Thirdly, gentlemen, I must need display be- 
fore you another case, which in equity and 
justice maketh much for the advantage of 
Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and 
single fault of his ought to be quite forgotten, 
abolished, and swallowed up by that im- 
mense and vast ocean of just dooms and sen- 
tences, which heretofore he hath given and 
pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty 
years and upwards that he hath been a judge, 
having been so evenly balanced in the scales 
of uprightness, that envy itself, till now, could 
not have been so impudent as to accuse and 
twit him with any act worthy of a check or 
reprehension: as, if a drop of the sea were 
thrown into the Loire, none could perceive, 
or say, that by this single drop the whole riv- 
er should be salt and brackish. 

Truly, it seemcth unto me, that in the 



PANTAGRUEL 



213 



whole series of Bridlegoose's juridical decrees 
there hath been I know not what of extraor- 
dinary savouring of the unspeakable benign- 
ity of God, that all these his preceding sen- 
tences, awards, and judgments, have been 
confirmed and approved of by ourselves, in 
this your own venerable and sovereign court. 
For it is usual, (as you know well,) with him 
whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest his 
own ineffable glory in blunting the perspi- 
cacity of the eyes of the wise, in weakening 
the strength ol potent oppressors, in depres- 
sing the pride of rich extortioners, and in 
erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting, 
upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, 
humble, silly, and foolish ones of the earth. 
But, waving all these matters, I shall only be- 
seech you, not by the obligations which you 
pretend to owe to my family, for which I 
thank you, but for that constant and un- 
feigned love and affection which you have al- 
ways found in me, both on this and on the 
other side of the Loire, for the maintenance 
and establishment of your places, offices, and 
dignities, that for this one time you would 
pardon and forgive him upon these two con- 
ditions. First, That he satisfy, or posit suffi- 
cient surety for the satisfaction of the party 
wronged by the injustice of the sentence in 
question. For the fulfilment of this article, I 
will provide sufficiently. And, secondly, That 
for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of 
administrating justice, you would be pleased 
to appoint and assign unto him some virtuous 
counsellor, younger, Icarneder, and wiser 
than he, by the square and rule of whose ad- 
vice he may regulate, guide, temper, and 
moderate in times coming all his judiciary 
procedures; or otherwise, if you intend totally 
to depose him from his office, and to deprive 
him altogether of the state and dignity of a 
judge, 1 shall cordially entreat you to make a 
present and free gift of him to me, who shall 
find in my kingdoms charges and employ- 
ments enough wherewith to imbusy him, for 
the bettering of his own fortunes, and fur- 
therance of my service. In the meantime, I 
implore the Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier 
of all good things, in his grace, mercy, and 
kindness, to preserve you all, now and ever- 
more, world without end. 

These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, veil- 
ing his cap and making a leg with such a ma- 
jestic grace as became a person of his para- 
mount degree and eminency, farewelled 
Trinquamelle, the president and master 



speaker of that Myrelinguesian parliament, 
took his leave of the whole court, and went 
out of the chamber: at the door whereof find- 
ing Panurge, Epistemon, Friar John, and oth- 
ers, he forthwith, attended by them, walked 
to the outer gate, where all of them immedi- 
ately took horse to return towards Gargantua. 
Pantagruel by the way related to them from 
point to point the manner of Bridlegoose's 
sententiating differences at law. Friar John 
said, that he had seen Peter Dendin, and was 
acquainted with him at that time when he so- 
journed in the monastery of Fontaine le Com- 
te, under the noble Abbot Arclillon. Gymnast 
likewise affirmed, that he was in the tent of 
the grand Christian cavalier de Crisse, when 
the Gascon, after his sleep, made an answer 
to the adventurer. Panurge was somewhat in- 
credulous in the matter of believing that it 
was morally possible Bridlegoose should have 
been for such a long space of time so contin- 
ually fortunate in that aleatory way of decid- 
ing law debates. Epistemon said to Pantag- 
ruel, Such another story, not much unlike to 
that in all the circumstances thereof, is vul- 
garly reported of the provost of Montlehery. 
In good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck 
is to be wondered at. To have hit right twice 
or thrice in a judgment so given by hap-haz- 
ard might have fallen out well enough, espe- 
cially in controversies that were ambiguous, 
intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure. 

CHAPTER 44 

How Pantagruel relate th a strange history of 
the perplexity of human juc1g?nent 

SEEING you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, 
difficult, hard, and knotty debates, I will tell 
you of one controverted before Cneius Dola- 
bella, Proconsul in Asia. The case was this. 

A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband 
a child named Abece. He dying, she, after 
the expiring of a year and a day, married 
again, and to her second husband bore a boy 
called Effege. A pretty long time afterward it 
happened, as yon know the affection of step- 
fathers and step-dames is very rare towards 
the children of the first fathers and mothers 
deceased, that this husband, with the help of 
his son Effege, secretly, wittingly, willingly, 
and treacherously murdered Abece. The 
woman came no sooner to get information of 
the fact, but, that it might not go unpun- 
ished, she caused kill them both, to revenge 
the death of her first son. She was appre- 



214 



RABELAIS 



hended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, 
in whose presence, she, without dissembling 
anything, confessed all that was laid to her 
charge; yet alleged, that she had both right 
and reason on her side for the killing of them. 
Thus was the state of the question. He found 
the business so dubious and intricate, that 
he knew not what to determine therein, nor 
which of the parties to incline to. On the one 
hand, it was an execrable crime to cut off at 
once both her second husband and her son. 
On the other hand, the cause of the murder 
seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded 
upon the law of nations, and the rational in- 
stinct of all the people of the world, seeing 
they two together had feloniously and mur- 
derously destroyed her first son; not that 
they had been in any manner of way 
wronged, outraged, or injured by him, but 
out of an avaricious intent to possess his in- 
heritance. In this doubtful quandary and un- 
certainty what to pitch upon, he sent to the 
Areopagites, then sitting at Athens, to learn 
and obtain their advice and judgment. That 
judicious senate, very sagely perpending the 
seasons of his perplexity, sent him word to 
summon her personally to compeer before 
him a precise hundred years thereafter, to 
answer to some interrogatories touching cer- 
tain points, which were not contained in the 
verbal defence. Which resolution of theirs 
did import, that it was in their opinion so dif- 
ficult and inextricable a matter, that they 
knew not what to say or judge therein. Who 
had decided that plea by the chance and for- 
tune of the dice, could not have erred nor 
awarded amiss, on which side soever he had 
past his casting and condemnatory sentence. 
If against the woman, she deserved punish- 
ment for usurping sovereign authority, by 
taking that vengeance at her own hand, the 
inflicting whereof was only competent to the 
supreme power to administer justice in crimi- 
nal cases. If for her, the just resentment of a 
so atrocious injury done unto her, in murder- 
ing her innocent son, did fully excuse and 
vindicate her of any trespass or offence about 
that particular committed by her. But this 
continuation of Bridlegoose for so many 
years, still hitting the nail on the head, never 
missing the mark, and always judging aright, 
by the mere throwing of the dice, and the 
chance thereof, is that which most astonish- 
eth and amazeth me. 

To answer, quoth Pantagruel, categorical- 
ly to that which you wonder at, I must in- 



geniously confess and avow that I cannot; 
yet, conjecturally to guess at the reason of it, 
I would refer the cause of that marvellously 
long-continued happy success in the judicia- 
ry results of his definitive sentences, to the fa- 
vourable aspect of the heavens, and benign- 
ity of the intelligences; who out of their love 
to goodness, after having contemplated the 
pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of 
Judge Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment 
of his inabilities, did regulate that for him by 
chance, which by the profoundest act of his 
matures t deliberation he was not able to 
reach unto. That, likewise, which possibly 
made him to cliffide in his own skill and ca- 
pacity, notwithstanding his being an expert 
and understanding lawyer, for anything that 
I know to the contrary, was the knowledge 
and experience which he had of the anti- 
nomies, contrarieties, antilogies, contradic- 
tions, travellings, and thwartings of laws, 
customs, edicts, statutes, orders, and ordi- 
nances, in which dangerous opposition, equ- 
ity and justice being structured and founded 
011 either of the opposite terms, and a gap be- 
ing thereby opened for the usheiing in of in- 
justice and iniquity through the various inter- 
pretations of self -ended lawyers; being as- 
suredly persuaded that the infernal calumni- 
ator, who frequently transformed! himself 
into the likeness of a messenger or angel of 
light, maketh use of these cross glosses and 
expositions in the mouths and pens of his 
ministers and servants, the perverse advo- 
cates, bribing judges, law-monging attorneys, 
prevaricating counsellors, and such other like 
law-wresting members of a court of justice, to 
turn by those means black to white, green to 
grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply. 
For the more expedient doing whereof, these 
diabolical ministers make both the pleading 
parties believe that their cause is just and 
righteous; for it is well known that there is no 
cause, how bad soever, which doth not find 
an advocate to patrocinatc and defend it, 
else would there be no process in the world, 
no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar. He 
did in these extremities, as I conceive, most 
humbly recommend the direction of his ju- 
dicial proceedings to the upright judge of 
judges, God Almighty, did submit himself 
to the conduct and guideship of the blessed 
Spirit, in the hazard and perplexity of the de- 
finitive sentence, and, by this aleatory lot, 
did as it were implore and explore the divine 
decree of his good will and pleasure, instead 



PANTAGRUEL 



215 



of that which we call the Final Judgment of a 
Court. To this effect, to the belter attaining 
to his purpose, which was to judge righteous- 
ly, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the 
dice, to the end that by the providence afore- 
said, the best chance might fall to him whose 
action was uprightest, and backed with great- 
est reason. In doing whereof he did not stray 
from the sense of the Talmudists, who say 
that there is so little harm in that manner of 
searching the truth, that in the anxiety and 
perplexedness of human wits, God oftentimes 
manifesteth the secret pleasure of his Divine 
Will. 

Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, 
nor can I believe, that the unstraightness is so 
irregular, or the corruption so evident, of 
those of the Parliament of Myrelingois in 
Myrelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was 
arraigned for prevarication, that they will 
maintain it to be a worse practice to have the 
decision of a suit at law referred to the chance 
arid hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or 
luck as it will, then to have it remitted to, and 
past, by the determination of those whose 
hands are full of blood, and hearts of wry af- 
fections. Besides that, their principal direc- 
tion in all law matters comes to their hands 
from one Tribonian, a wicked, miscreant, 
barbarous, faithless, and preficlious knave, so 
pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse 
in his ways, that it was his ordinary custom to 
sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, 
and ordinances, as at an ou troop or putsale, 
to him who offered most for them. Thus did 
he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut 
their morsels to them by and out of these little 
parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and 
shreds of the law now in use, altogether con- 
cealing, suppressing, disannulling, and abol- 
ishing the remainder, which did make for the 
total law; fearing that, if the whole law were 
made manifest and laid open to the knowl- 
edge of such as are interested in it, and the 
learned books of the ancient doctors of the 
law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables 
and Prastorian Edicts, his villanous pranks, 
naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to 
the public notice of the world. Therefore 
were it better, in my conceit, that is to say 
less inconvenient, that parties at variance in 
any juridical case should in the dark, march 
upon caltrops, than submit the determina- 
tion of what is their right to such unhallowed 
sentences and horrible decrees: as Cato in 
his time wished and advised, that every judi- 



ciary court should be paved with caltrops. 

CHAPTER 45 

How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet 

ON the sixth day thereafter, Pantagruel was 
returned home at the very same hour that Tri- 
boulet was by water come from Blois. Pan- 
urge, at his arrival, gave him a hog's bladder, 
puffed up with wind, and resounding, be- 
cause of the hard peas that were within it. 
Moreover he did present him with a gilt 
wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a 
tortoise-shell, an osier-wattled wicker bottle 
full of Breton wine, and five and twenty ap- 
ples of the orchard of Blandureau. 

If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalim, as to 
be won with apples, there is no more wit in 
his pate than in the head of an ordinary cab- 
bage. Triboulet girded the sword and scrip to 
his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate 
some few of the apples, and drunk up all the 
wine. Panurge very wistly and hcedfully look- 
ing upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and 
I have seen ten thousand franks worth of that 
kind of cattle, who did not love to drink 
heartily, and by good long draughts. When 
Triboulet had done with his drinking, Pan- 
urge laid out before him, and exposed the 
sum of the business wherein he was to require 
his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted 
terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric. 
But, before he had altogether done, Triboulet 
with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret be- 
tween the shoulders, rendered back into his 
hand again the empty bottle, filippecl and 
flirted him on the nose with the hog's bladder, 
and lastly, for a final resolution, shaking and 
wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he 
answered nothing else but this, By God, God, 
mad fool, beware the monk, Buzancay horn- 
pipe! These words thus finished, he slipped 
himself out of the company, went aside, and, 
rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in 
the melody of the rickling, crackling, noise of 
the peas. After which time it lay not in the 
power of them all to draw out of his chaps the 
articulate sound of one syllable, insomuch 
that, when Panurge went about to interrogate 
him further, Triboulet drew his wooden 
sword, and would have struck him therewith. 
I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, and 
brought my pigs to a fine market. Have I not 
got a brave determination of all my doubts, 
and a response in all things agreeable to the 
oracle that gave it? He is a great fool, that is 



216 



RABELAIS 



not to be denied, yet he is a greater fool, who 
brought him hither to me, but of the three I 
am the greatest fool, who did impart the se- 
cret of my thoughts to such an idiot ass and 
native ninny, That bolt, quoth Carpalim, 
levels point blank at me. 

Without putting ourselves to any stir or 
trouble in the least, quoth Pantagruel, let us 
maturely and seriously consider and perpend 
the gestures and speech which he hath made 
and uttered. In them, veritably, quoth he, 
have I remarked and observed some excellent 
and notable mysteries, yea, of such important 
worth and weight, that I shall never hence- 
forth be astonished, nor think strange, why 
the Turks, with a great deal of worship and 
reverence, honour and respect natural fools 
equally with their primest doctors, mufties, 
divines, and prophets. Did not you take heed, 
quoth he, a little before he opened his mouth 
to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and wag- 
ging, his head did keep? By the approved 
doctrine of the ancient philosophers, the cus- 
tomary ceremonies of the most expert magi- 
cians, and the received opinions of the most 
learned lawyers, such a brangling agitation 
and moving should by us all be judged to 
proceed from, and be quickened and susci- 
tated by, the coming and inspiration of the 
prophetizing and fatidical spirit, which, en- 
tering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow 
receptacle of a debil substance, (for, as you 
know, and as the proverb shows it, a little 
head containeth not much brains,) was the 
cause of that commotion. This is conform to 
what is avouched by the most skilful physi- 
cians, when they affirm, that shakings and 
tremblings fall upon the members of a human 
body, partly because of the heaviness and 
violent impetuosity of the burden and load 
that is carried, and other part, by reason 
of the weakness and imbecility that is in the 
virtue of the bearing organ. A manifest exam- 
ple whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, 
are not able to carry to their head a great 
goblet full of wine without a trembling and a 
shaking in the hand that holds it. This of old 
was accounted a prefiguration and mystical 
pointing out of the Pythian divineress, who 
used always, before the uttering of a re- 
sponse from the oracle, to shake a branch of 
her domestic laurel. Lampridius also testifi- 
eth, that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to ac- 
quire unto himself the reputation of a sooth- 
sayer, did, on several holy days, of prime so- 
lemnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, 



make the head of his idol by some slight with- 
in the body thereof, publicly to shake. Plau- 
tus, in his Asinaria, declareth likewise, that 
Saunas, whithersoever he walked, like one 
quite distracted of his wits, kept such a furi- 
ous lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, 
that he commonly affrighted those who cas- 
ually met with him in their way. The said au- 
thor in another place, showing a reason why 
Charmides shook and brangled his head, as- 
severed that he was transported, and in an 
ecstasy. Catullus after the same manner 
maketh mention, in his Bcrcci/nthia and Atys, 
of the place wherein the Menades, Bacchical 
women, she priests of the Lyrcan god, and de- 
mented prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in 
their hands, did shake their heads. As in the 
like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded 
priests of Cybele were wont to do in the cele- 
brating of their festivals. Whence, too, ac- 
ceeding to the sense of the ancient theologues, 
she herself has her denomination; for Mfticr- 
rctf signifieth, to turn round, whirl about, 
shake the head, and play the part of one that 
is wry-necked. 

Scrnblably Titus Livius writeth, that, in the 
solemnization time of the Bacchanalian holi- 
days at Rome, both men and women seemed 
to prophetizc and vaticinate, because of an 
affected kind of wagging of the head, shrug- 
ging of the shoulders, and jcctigation of the 
whole body, which they used then most punc- 
tually. For the common voice of the philoso- 
phers, together with the opinion of the peo- 
ple, asserteth for an irrefragable truth, that 
vaticination is seldom by the heavens be- 
stowed on any, without the concomitancy of 
a little frenzy, and a head-shaking, not only 
when the said presaging virtue is infused, but 
when the person also therewith inspired, de- 
clareth and manifcsteth it unto others. The 
learned lawyer Julian, being asked on a time, 
if that slave might be truly esteemed to be 
healthful and in a good plight, who had not 
only conversed with some furious, maniac, 
and enraged people, but in their company 
had also prophesied, yet without a noddle- 
shaking concussion, answered, That seeing 
there was no head-wagging at the time of his 
predictions, he might be held for sound and 
competent enough. Is it not daily seen, how 
schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and instruc- 
tors of children, shake the heads of their dis- 
ciples, as one would do a pot in holding it by 
the lugs, that by this erection, vellication, 
stretching and pulling their ears, which, ac- 



PANTAGRUEL 



217 



cording to the doctrine of the sage Egyptians, 
is a member consecrated to the memory, 
they may stir them up to recollect their scat- 
tered thoughts, bring home those fancies of 
theirs, which perhaps have been extravagant- 
ly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth 
objects, and totally range their judgments, 
which possibly by disordinate affections have 
been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a 
wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical dis- 
cipline. All which Virgil acknowledged! to be 
true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius. 

CHAPTER 46 

How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely inter- 
pret the words of Triboulet 

HE says you are a fool. And what kind of 
fool? A mad fool, who in your old age would 
enslave yourself to the bondage of matri- 
mony, and shut your pleasures up within a 
wedlock, whose key some ruffian carries in 
his codpiece. He says furthermore, Beware of 
the monk. Upon mine honour, it gives me in 
my mind, that you will be cuckolded by a 
monk. Nay, I will engage mine honour, which 
is the most precious pawn I could have in my 
possession, although I were sole and peace- 
able dominator over all Europe, Asia, and 
Africa, that if you marry, you will surely be 
one of the horned brotherhood of Vulcan. 
Hereby may you perceive, how much I do at- 
tribute to the wise foolery of our morosoph 
Triboulet. The other oracles and responses 
did in the general prognosticate you a cuck- 
old, without descending so near to the point 
of a particular determination, as to pitch up- 
on what vocation amongst the several sorts of 
men, he should profess, who is to be the 
copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your 
proper self. Thus noble Triboulet tells it us 
plainly, from whose words we may gather 
with all ease imaginable, that your cuckoldry 
is to be infamous, and so much the more scan- 
dalous, that your conjugal bed will be inces- 
tuously contaminated with the filthiness of a 
monkery lecher. Moreover he says, that you 
will be the hornpipe of Buzangay, that is to 
say, well horned, hornified, and cornuted. 
And, as Triboulet's uncle asked from Louis 
the Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own, 
who lived at Blois, the hornpipes of Buzan- 
C.ay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake 
of one word for another, even so, whilst you 
think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet, 
and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble 



upon one, witless, proud, loud, obstreperous, 
bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant 
than any Buzancay hornpipe. Consider with- 
al, how he flirted you on the nose with the 
bladder, and gave you a sound thumping 
blow with his fist upon the ridge of the back. 
This denotes and presageth, that you shall be 
banged, beaten, and filipped by her, and that 
also she will steal of your goods from you, as 
you stole the hog's bladder from the little 
boys of Vaubreton. 

Flat contrary, quoth Panurge; not that I 
would impudently exempt myself from being 
a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold of that 
jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess 
it. And why should I not? For the whole 
world is foolish. In the old Lorrain language, 
fan for oon; all and fool were the same thing. 
Besides, it is avouched by Solomon, that in- 
finite is the number of fools. From an infinity 
nothing can be deducted or abated, nor yet, 
by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything 
thereto be added or subjoined. Therefore 
were I a mad fool, if, being a fool, I should 
not hold myself a fool. After the same manner 
of speaking, we may aver the number of the 
mad and enraged folks to be infinite. Avi- 
cenna maketh no bones to assert, that the sev- 
eral kinds of madness are infinite. Though 
this much of Triboulet's words tend little to 
my advantage, howbeit the prejudice which I 
sustain thereby be common with me to all 
other men, yet the rest of his talk and gesture 
maketh altogether for me. lie said to my wife, 
Be weary of the monkey; that is as much as if 
she should be cheery, and take as much de- 
light in a monkey, as ever did the Lesbia of 
Catullus in her sparrow; who will, for his rec- 
reation pass his time no less joyfully at the ex- 
ercise of snatching flies, than heretofore did 
the merciless fly-catcher Domitian. Withal he 
meant by another part of his discourse, that 
she should be of a jovial country-like humour, 
as gay and pleasing as a harmonious hornpipe 
of Saulieu or Buzancay. The veridical Tri- 
boulet did therein hint at what I liked well, as 
perfectly knowing the inclinations and pro- 
pensities of my mind, my natural disposition, 
and the bias of my interior passions and affec- 
tions. For you may be assured, that my hu- 
mour is much better satisfied and contented 
with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled 
shepherdesses, whose bums through their 
coarse canvass smocks, smell of the clover- 
grass of the field, than with those great ladies 
in magnificent courts, with their flaunting 



218 



RABELAIS 



top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastilles, 
and cosmetics. The homely sound, likewise, 
of a rustic hornpipe is more agreeable to my 
ears, than the curious warbling and musical 
quivering of lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and 
violins. He gave me a lusty rapping thwack 
on my back, what then? Let it pass, in the 
name and for the love of God, as an abate- 
ment of, and deduction from so much of my 
future pains in purgatory. He did it not out of 
any evil intent. He thought, belike, to have 
hit some of the pages. He is an honest fool, 
and an innocent changeling. It is a sin to har- 
bour in the heart any bad conceit of him. As 
for myself, I heartily pardon him. He flirted 
me on the nose. In that there is no harm; for 
it importeth nothing else, but that betwixt my 
wife and me there will occur some toyish 
wanton tricks, which usually happen to all 
new married folks. 

CHAPTER 47 

How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to 
make a visit to iJie oracle of the holy bottle 

THERE is as yet another point, (moth Pan- 
urge, which you have not at all considered on, 
although it be the chief and principal head of 
the matter. He put the bottle in my hand and 
restored it me again. How interpret you that 
passage? What is the meaning of that? He 
possibly, quoth Pantagruel, signified! there- 
by, that your wife will be such a drunkard as 
shall daily take in her liquor kindly, and ply 
the pots and bottles apace. Quite otherwise, 
quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty. I 
swear to you, by the prickling brambly thorn 
of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique Moro- 
soph, whom I formerly termed the lunatic 
Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining to the 
final resolution of my scruple, to the response- 
giving bottle. Therefore do I renew afresh the 
first vow which I made, and here in your 
presence protest and make oath by Styx and 
Acheron, to carry still spectacles in my cap, 
and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, 
until upon the enterprise in hand of my nup- 
tial undertaking, I shall have obtained an an- 
swer from the holy bottle. I am acquainted 
with a prudent, understanding, and discreet 
gentleman, and besides, a very good friend of 
mine, who knoweth the land, country, and 
place where its temple and oracle is built and 
posited. He will guide and conduct us thither 
sure and safely. Let us go thither, I beseech 
you. Deny me not, and say not, nay; reject 



not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you. I 
will be to you an Achates, a Damis, and 
heartily accompany you all along in the 
whole voyage, both in your going forth and 
coming back. I have of a long time known you 
to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous 
still to learn new things, and still to see what 
you had never seen before. 

Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I con- 
descend to your request. But before we enter 
in upon our progress towards the accomplish- 
ment of so far a journey, replenished and 
fraught with imminent perils, full of innu- 
merable hazards, and every way stored with 
evident and manifest clangers What clan- 
gers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him. Dan- 
gers fly back, run from, and shun me whither- 
soever I go, seven leagues around, as in the 
presence of the sovereign a subordinate mag- 
istracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness 
quite vanish at the bright coming of a radiant 
sun; or as all sores and sicknesses did sudden- 
ly depart, at the approach of the body of St. 
Martin a Quande. Nevertheless, quoth Pan- 
tagruel, before we adventure to set forward 
on the road of our projected and intended 
voyage, some few points are to be discussed, 
expedited, and dispatched. First, let us send 
back Triboulet to Blois. Which was instantly 
done, after that Pantagruel had given him a 
frieze coat. Secondly, our design must be 
backed with advice and counsel of the king 
my father. And lastly, it is most needful and 
expedient for us, that we search for and find 
out some sibyl, to serve us for a guide, truch- 
rnan, and interpreter. To this Panurge made 
answer, That his friend Xenomanes would 
abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge 
and performance of the sibyl's office; and 
that, furthermore, in passing through the 
Lanternatory revelling country, they should 
take along with them a learned and profita- 
ble Lanternesse, who would be no less useful 
to them in their voyage, than was the sibyl to 
^Eneas, in his descent to the Elysian fields. 
Carpalim, in the interim, as he was upon the 
conducting away of Triboulet, in his passing 
by, hearkened a little to the discourse they 
were upon, then spoke out, saying, Ho, Pan- 
urge, master freeman, take my Lord Dcbitis 
at Calais, along with you, for he is goud-fal- 
lot, a good fellow. He will not forget those 
who have been debtors; these are Lanternes. 
Thus shall you not lack for both f allot and 
Lanterne. I may safely with the little skill I 
have, quoth Pantagruel, prognosticate, that 



PANTAGRUEL 



219 



by the way we shall engender no melancholy. 
I clearly perceive it already. The only thing 
that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the 
Lanternatory language. I shall, answered 
Panurge, speak for you all. I understand it 
every whit as well as I do mine own maternal 
tongue; I have been no less used to it than to 
the vulgar French. 

Br sz marg dalgotbric nubstzne zos, 
Isquebsz prusq albork crincjs zacbac. 
Misbe dilbarkz morp nipp stancz bos, 
Stro?nbtz, Panurge, walmap cjuost gruszbac. 

Now guess, friend Epistemon, what is this? 
They are, quoth Epistemon, names of errant 
devils, passant devils, and rampant devils. 
These words of thine, dear friend of mine, 
are true, quoth Panurge, yet are they terms 
used in the language of the court of the Lan- 
ternish people. By the way, as we go upon 
our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little 
dictionary, which, notwithstanding, shall not 
last you much longer than a pair of new 
shoes. Thou shalt have learned it sooner than 
thou canst perceive the dawning of the next 
subsequent morning. What I have said in the 
foregoing tetrastic is thus translated out of 
the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar dialect. 

All miseries attended me, whilst I 
A lover was, and had no good thereby. 
Of better luck the married people tell; 
Panurge is one of those, and knows it well. 

There is little more, then, quoth Pantag- 
ruel, to be done, but that we understand 
what the will of the king my father will be 
therein, and purchase his consent. 

CHAPTER 48 

How Gargantua .sJiewelh, that the children 
ought not to marry witJiout the special 
knowledge and advice of their fathers and 
mothers 

No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the 
door of the great hall of the castle, than that 
he encountered full butt with the good hon- 
est Cargantua coming forth from the council 
board, unto whom he made a succinct and 
summary narrative of what had passed and 
occurred, worthy of his observation, in his 
travels abroad, since their last interview; 
then, acquainting him with the design he had 
in hand, besought him that it might stand 



with his good will and pleasure, to grant him 
leave to prosecute and go thorough-stitch 
with the enterprise which he had undertak- 
en. The good man Gargantua, having in one 
hand two great bundles of petitions, indorsed 
and answered, and in the other some remem- 
brancing notes and bills, to put him in mind 
of such other requests of supplicants, which, 
albeit presented, had nevertheless been nei- 
ther read nor heard, he gave both to Ulrich 
Gallet, his ancient and faithful Master of Re- 
quests; then drew aside Pantagruel, and, 
with a countenance more serene and jovial 
than customary, spoke to him thus, I praise 
God, and have great reason so to do, my most 
dear son, that he hath been pleased to enter- 
tain in you a constant inclination to virtuous 
actions. I am well content that the voyage 
which you have motioned to me be by you 
accomplished, but withal I could wish you 
would have a mind and desire to marry, for 
that I sec you are of competent years. [Pan- 
urge, in the meanwhile, was in a readiness of 
preparing and providing for remedies, salves, 
and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and 
impediments, as he could in the height of his 
fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast 
in the way of their intinerary design.] Is it 
your pleasure, most dear father, that you 
speak? answered Pantagruel. For rny part, I 
have not yet thought upon it. In all this affair 
I wholly submit and rest in your good liking 
and paternal authority. For I shall rather pray 
unto God that he would throw me down 
stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than 
that against your pleasure I should be found 
married alive. I never heard that by any law, 
whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the 
rudest and most barbarous nations in the 
world, it was allowed and approved of, that 
children may be suffered and tolerated to 
marry at their own good will and pleasure, 
without the knowledge, advice, or consent 
asked and had thereto, of their fathers, moth- 
ers, and nearest kindred. All legislators, ev- 
ery where upon the face of the whole earth 
have taken away and removed this licentious 
liberty fiom children, and totally reserved it 
to the discretion of the parents. 

My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, 
I believe you, and from my heart thank God 
for having endowed you with the grace of 
having both a perfect notice of, and entire 
liking to, laudable and praiseworthy things; 
and that through the windows of your exte- 
rior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit un- 



220 



RABELAIS 



to the interior faculties of your mind, nothing 
but what is good and virtuous. For in my 
time there hath been found on the continent 
a certain country, wherein are I know not 
what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching 
priests, who, albeit averse from engaging 
their proper persons into a matrimonial duty, 
like the potifical flamens of Cybele in Phry- 
gia; as if they were capons, and not cocks; 
full of lasciviousness, salacity, and wanton- 
ness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the mat- 
ter of conjugal affairs, taken upon them to 
Erescribe laws and ordinances to married 
)lks. 1 cannot goodly determine what I 
should most abhor, detest, loathe, and abomi- 
nate, whether the tyrannical presumption of 
those dreaded sacerdotal mole-catchers, who 
not being willing to contain and coop up 
themselves within the grates and trellises of 
their own mysterious temples, do deal in, 
meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their 
sickles into harvests of secular businesses, 
quite contrary and diametrically opposite to 
the quality, state, and condition of their call- 
ings, professions, and vocations; or the super- 
stitious stupidity and senseless scrupulous- 
ness of married folks, who have yielded obe- 
dience, and submitted their bodies, fortunes, 
and estates to the discretion and authority of 
such odious, perverse, barbarous, and unrea- 
sonable laws. Nor do they sec that, which is 
clearer than the light and splendour of the 
morning star, how all these nuptial and con- 
nubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances 
have been decreed, made, and instituted, for 
the sole benefit, profit, and advantage of the 
flaminal rnysts and mysterious flamens, and 
nothing at all for the good, utility, or emolu- 
ment of the silly hood-winked married peo- 
ple. Which administereth unto others a suffi- 
cient cause for rendering these churchmen 
suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and 
fraudulent manner of dealing, no more to be 
connived at nor countenanced, after that it be 
well weighed in the scales of reason, than if 
with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by way of 
compensation, would impose laws to be fol- 
lowed and observed by those mysts and fla- 
mens, how they should behave themselves in 
the making and performance of their rites 
and ceremonies, after what manner they 
ought to proceed in the offering up and im- 
molating of their various oblations, victims, 
and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the edeci- 
mation and tithe-haling of their goods, they 
cut off and take parings, shreddings, and clip- 



pings of the gain proceeding from the labour 
of their hands, and sweat of their brows, 
therewith to entertain themselves the better. 
Upon which consideration, in my opinion, 
their injunctions and commands would not 
prove so pernicious and impertinent, as those 
of the ecclesiastic power, unto which they 
had tendered their blind obedience. For, as 
you have very well said, there is no place in 
the world, where, legally, a licence is granted 
to the children to marry without the advice 
and consent of their parents and kindred. 
Nevertheless, by those wicked laws, and 
mole-catching customs whereat there is a lit- 
tle hinted in what T have already spoken to 
you, there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or 
pocky ruffian, pander, knave, rogue, sccllum, 
robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and 
burn-marked in his own country for his 
crimes and felonies, who may not violently 
snatch away and ravish what maid soever he 
had a mind to pitch upon, how noble, how 
fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she 
be, and that out of the house of her own fa- 
ther, in his own presence, from the bosom of 
her mother, and in the sight and despite of 
her friends and kindred looking on a so woful 
spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be 
so cunning as to associate unto himself some 
mystical flamen, who, according to the cove- 
nant made betwixt them two, shall be in hope 
some day to participate of the prey. 

Could the Goths, the Scythians, or Massa- 
getye do a worse or more cruel act to any of 
the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after 
the loss of many of their most considerable 
commanders, the expense of a great deal of 
money, and a long siege, that they shall have 
stormed and taken it by a violent and impetu- 
ous assault? May not these fathers and moth- 
ers, ihink you, be sorrowful and heavy-heart- 
ed, when they see an unknown fellow, a vag- 
abond stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, 
rotten, fleshless, putrified, scraggy, boily, 
botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff, and miserable 
sneak, by an open rapt, snatch away before 
their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, 
well-behavioured, richly provided for and 
healthful daughters, on whose breeding and 
education they had spared no cost nor 
charges, by bringing them up in an honest 
discipline to all the honourable and virtuous 
employments becoming one of their sex, de- 
scended of a noble parentage, hoping by 
those commendable and industrious means in 
an opportune and convenient time to bestow 



PANTAGRUEL 



221 



them on the worthy sons of their well-deserv- 
ing neighbours and ancient friends, who had 
nourished, entertained, taught, instructed, 
and schooled their children with the same 
care and solicitude, to make them matches fit 
to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage, 
that from them might issue an offspring and 
progeny no less heirs to the laudable endow- 
ments and exquisite qualifications of their 
parents, whom they every way resemble, than 
to their personal and real estates, moveables 
and inheritances? How doleful, trist, and 
plangorous would such a sight and pageantry 
prove unto them? You shall not need to think, 
that the collachrymation of the Romans and 
their confederates at the decease of Germani- 
cus Drusus was comparable to this lamenta- 
tion of theirs? Neither would I have you to 
believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the 
Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by 
the perfidiousness of the adulterous Trojan, 
Paris, was privily stolen away out of their 
country, was greater or more pitiful than this 
ruthful and deplorable collugency of theirs? 
You may very well imagine, that Ceres at the 
ravishment of her daughter Proserpine, was 
not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than 
they. Trust me, and your own reason, that the 
loss of Osiris was not so regiettable to Isis, 
nor did Venus so deplore the death of 
Adonis, nor yet did Hercules so bewail 
the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of 
Polyxena more throbbingly resented and con- 
doled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this 
aforesaid accident would be sympatheti- 
cally bemoaned, grievous, ruthful, and anx- 
ious, to the wofully desolate and disconso- 
late parents. 

Notwithstanding all this, the greater part 
of so vilely abused parents are so timorous 
and afraid of the devils and hobgoblins, and 
so deeply plunged in superstition, that they 
dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less 
oppose and resist, those unnatural and impi- 
ous actions, when the mole-catcher hath been 
present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a 
party contractor and covenanter in that de- 
testable bargain. What do they do then? 
They wretchedly stay at their own miserable 
homes, destitute of their well-beloved daugh- 
ters, the fathers cursing the days and the 
hours wherein they were married, and the 
mothers howling and crying, that it was not 
their fortune to have brought forth abortive 
issues, when they happened to be delivered 
of such unfortunate girls; and in this pitiful 



plight spend at best the remainder of their 
time, with tears and weeping for those their 
children, of and from whom they expected, 
(and, with good reason, should have ob- 
tained and reaped,) in these latter days of 
theirs, joy and comfort. Other parents there 
have been, so impatient of that affront and in- 
dignity put upon them, and their families, 
that, transported with the extremity of pas- 
sion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the 
vehemency of a grievous fury and raging sor- 
row, they have drowned, hanged, killed, and 
otherwise put violent hands on themselves. 
Others, again, of that parental relation, have, 
upon the reception of the like injury, been of 
a more magnanimous and heroic spirit, who, 
in imitation and at the example of the chil- 
dren of Jacob, revenging upon the Sichemites 
the rapt of their sister Dina, having found 
the rascally ruffian in the association of his 
mystical rnole-catcher, closely and in hugger- 
mugger conferring, and parleying, with their 
daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, de- 
praving, perverting, and enticing these inno- 
cent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewd- 
nesses, have without any further advisement 
on the matter, cut them instantly to pieces, 
and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the 
fields their so dismembered bodies, to serve 
for food unto the wolves and ravens. Upon 
the chivalrous, bold, and courageous achieve- 
ment of a so valiant, stout, and man-like act, 
the other mole-catching symrnists have been 
so highly incensed, and have so chafed, fret- 
ted, arid fumed thereat, that bills of com- 
plaint and accusations having been in a most 
odious and detestable manner put in before 
the competent judges, the arm of secular 
authority hath with much importunity and 
impetuosity been by them implored and 
required; they proudly contending, That 
the servants of God would become con- 
temptible, if exemplary punishment were 
riot speedily taken upon the persons of the 
perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, 
sacrilegious, crying, heinous, and execrable 
crime. 

Yet neither by natural equity, by the law 
of nations, nor by any imperial law whatso- 
ever, hath there been found so much as one 
rubric, paragraph, point, or tittle, by the which 
any kind of chastisement or correction hath 
been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any 
for their delinquency in that kind. Reason op- 
poseth, and nature is repugnant. For there is 
no virtuous man in the world, who both nat- 



222 



RABELAIS 



urally and with good reason will not be more 
hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news 
of the rape, disgrace, ignominy, and dishon- 
our of his daughter, than of her death. Now 
any man, finding in hot blood one, who with 
a fore-thought felony hath murdered his 
daughter, may, without tying himself to the 
formalities and circumstances of a legal pro- 
ceeding, kill him on a sudden, and out of 
hand, without incurring any hazard of being 
attainted and apprehended by the officers of 
justice for so doing. It is no wonder then if a 
lechering rogue, together with his mole- 
catching abettor, be entrapped in the fla- 
grant act of suborning his daughter, and, 
stealing her out of his house, though herself 
consent thereto, that the father in such a case 
of stain and infamy by them brought upon 
his family, should put them both to a shame- 
ful death, and cast their carcasses upon dung- 
hills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs 
and swine, or otherwise, fling them a little 
further off to the direption, tearing and rend- 
ing asunder of their joints and members by 
the wild beasts of the field, as being unworthy 
to receive the gentle, the desired, the last 
kind embraces of their great Alma Mater, the 
earth, commonly called burial. 

Dearly beloved son, have an especial care, 
that after rny decease none of these laws be 
received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst 
I breathe, by the grace and assistance of God, 
I shall give good order. Seeing, therefore, you 
have totally referred unto my discretion the 
disposure of you in marriage, I am fully of an 
opinion, that I shall provide sufficiently well 
for you in that point. Make ready and pre- 
pare yourself for Panurge's voyage. Take 
along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and 
such others as you will choose. Do with my 
treasures what unto yourself shall seem most 
expedient. None of your actions, I promise 
you, can in any manner of way displease me. 
Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever 
equipage, furniture, or provision you please, 
together with such pilots, mariners, and truch- 
men, as you have a mind to, and with the first 
fair and favourable wind set sail and make 
out to sea, in the name of God our Saviour. 
In the meanwhile, during your absence, I 
shall not be neglectivc of providing a wife 
for you, nor of those preparations, which are 
requisite to be made for the more sumptuous 
solemnizing of your nuptials with a most 
splendid feast, if ever there was any in the 
world. 



CHAPTER 49 



How Pantagruel did put himself in a readi- 
ness to go to sea; and of the herb named 
Pantagruelion 

WITHIN very few days after that Pantagruel 
had taken his leave of the good Gargantua, 
who devoutly prayed for his son's happy voy- 
age, he arrived at the sea-port, near to Sam- 
malo, accompanied with Panurge, Episte- 
mon, Friar John of the Funnels, Abbot of 
Theleme, and others of the royal house, es- 
pecially with Xenomanes the great traveller, 
and thwarter of dangerous ways, who was to 
come at the bidding and appointment of Pan- 
urge, of whose Castlewick of Salmigondin he 
did hold some petty inheritance by the ten- 
ure of a mesne fee. Pantagruel, being come 
thither, prepared and made ready for launch- 
ing a fleet of ships, to the number of those 
which Ajax of Salamine had of old equipped 
in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the 
Trojan state. He likewise picked out for his 
use so many mariners, pilots, sailors, interpre- 
ters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he 
thought fitting, and therewithal made provi- 
sion of so much victuals of all sorts, artillery, 
munition of clivers kinds, clothes, monies, and 
other such luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, 
and furniture, as he deemed needful for car- 
rying on the design of a so tedious, long, and 
perilous voyage, Amongst other things it was 
observed, how he caused some of his vessels 
to be fraught and loaded with a great quan- 
tity of an herb of his called Pantagruelion, 
not only of the green and raw sort of it, but 
of the confected also, and of that which was 
notably well befitted for present use, after the 
fashion of conserves. The herb Pantagruelion 
hath a little root, somewhat hard and rough, 
roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very 
blunt point, and having some of its veins, 
strings, or filaments coloured with some spots 
of white, never fixeth itself into the ground 
above the profoundness almost of a cubit, or 
foot and a half. From the root thereof pro- 
ceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, 
green without, whitish within, and hollow 
like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, 
and gentian, full of long threads, straight, 
easy to be broken, jagged, snipped, nicked 
and notched a little after the manner of pil- 
lars and columns, slightly furrowed, cham- 
fered, guttered and channelled and full of fi- 
bres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth 
the chief value and dignity of the herb, es- 



PANTAGRUEL 



223 



pecially in that part thereof which is termed 
mesa, as one would say the mean; and in that 
other, which had got the denomination of mi- 
lasea. Its height is commonly five or six feet. 
Yet sometimes it is of such a tall growth, as 
doth surpass the length of a lance, but that is 
only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, 
warm, wet, and well-soaked soil, as is the 
ground of the territory of Olone, and that of 
Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia, and that 
it want not for rain enough about the season 
of the fishers' holidays, and the a?stival sol- 
stice. There are many trees whose height is 
by it very far exceeded, and you might call it 
dendromalacJie by the authority of Theo- 
phrastus. The plant every year perisheth, 
the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or 
boughs, being durable. 

From the stalk of this Pantagruelion plant 
there issue forth several large and great 
branches, whose leaves have thrice as much 
length as breadth, always green, roughish, 
and rugged like the orcanct, or Spanish bug- 
loss, hardish, slit round about like unto a suc- 
kle, or as the saxifragum, as betony, and fi- 
nally ending as it wore in the points of a 
Macedonian spear, or of such a lancet as sur- 
geons commonly make use of in their phle- 
botomizing tiltings. The figure and shape of 
the leaves thereof is not much different from 
that of those of the ash tree, or of agrimony; 
the herb itself being so like the Eupatorian 
plant, that many skilful herbalists have called 
it the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the 
Wild Pantagruelion. These leaves are in 
equal and parallel distances spread around 
the stalk, by the number in every rank either 
of five or seven, nature having so highly fa- 
voured and cherished this plant, that she hath 
richly adorned it with these two odd, divine, 
and mysterious numbers. The smell thereof 
is somewhat strong, and not very pleasing to 
nice, tender, and delicate noses. The seed in- 
closed therein mounteth up to the very top of 
its stalk, and a little above it. 

This is a numerous herb : for there is no less 
abundance of it than of any other whatsoever. 
Some of these plants are spherical, some 
rhomboid, and some of an oblong shape, and 
all of these either black, bright-coloured, or 
tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a 
quickly-blasted-away coat, yet such a one as 
is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill 
and sweetly singing birds, such as linnets, 
goldfinches, larks, canary birds, yellow ham- 
mers, and others of that airy chirping quire; 



but it would quite extinguish the natural heat 
and procreative virtue of the semence of any 
man, who would eat much, and often of it. 
And although that of old amongst the Greeks 
there was certain kind of fritters and pan- 
cakes, buns and tarts, made thereof, which 
commonly for a liquorish daintiness were pre- 
sented on the table after supper, to delight 
the palate and make the wine relish the bet- 
ter; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and of- 
fensive to the stomach. For it engendereth 
bad and unwholesome blood, and with its ex- 
orbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, 
hurtful, smart, and noisome vapours. And, as 
in clivers plants and trees there are two sexes, 
male and female, which is perceptible in lau- 
rels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holmes, the daf- 
fodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, 
birthwort, turpentine, pennyroyal, peony, 
rose of the mount, and many other such like, 
even so in this herb there is a male which 
bearcth no flower at all, yet it is very copious 
of arid abundant in seed. There is likewise in 
it a female, which hath great store and plenty 
of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no 
purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any 
worth at all, at least comparable to that of 
the male. It hath also a larger leaf, and much 
softer than that of the male, nor doth it alto- 
gether grow to so great a height. This Pantag- 
ruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the 
swallows, and is to be plucked out of the 
ground when the grasshoppers begin to be a 
little hoarse. 

CHAPTER 50 

How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be 
prepared and wrought 

THE herb Pantagruelion in September, under 
the autumnal equinox, is dressed and pre- 
pared several ways, according to the various 
fancies of the people, and diversity of the cli- 
mates wherein it growelh. The first instruc- 
tion which Pantagruel gave concerning it 
was, to divest and despoil the stalk and stem 
thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macer- 
ate and mortify it in stagnant, not running 
water, for five days together, if the season be 
dry, and the water hot; or for full nine or 
twelve days, if the weather be cloudish, and 
the water cold. Then must it be dried in the 
sun, till it be drained of its moisture. After this 
it is in the shadow where the sun shines not, 
to be peeled, and its rind pulled off. Then are 
the fibres and strings thereof to be parted, 



224 



RABELAIS 



wherein, as we have already said, consisteth 
its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and sev- 
ered from the woody part thereof, which is 
unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other 
use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, 
to kindle the fire, and for the play, pastime, 
and disport of little children, to blow up hogs' 
bladders, and make them rattle. Many times 
some use is made thereof by tippling sweet- 
lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills 
and pipes, through which they with their li- 
quor-attractive breath suck up the new dain- 
ty wine from the bung of the barrel. Some 
modern Pantagruelists, to shun and avoid 
that manual labour, which such a separating 
and partitional work would of necessity re- 
quire, employ certain cataractic instruments, 
composed and formed after the same manner 
that the fro ward, pettish, and angry Juno, did 
hold the fingers of both her hands interwov- 
enly clenched together, when she would have 
hindered the childbirth delivery of Alcmena, 
at the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those 
cataracts they break and bruise to very trash 
the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the 
better the fibres, which are the precious and 
excellent parts. In and with this sole opera- 
tion do these acquiesce and are contented, 
who, contrary to the received opinion of the 
whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to 
all philosophers, gain their livelihoods back- 
wards, and by recoiling. But those that love 
to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it accord- 
ing to its value, for their own greater profit, 
do the very same which is told us of the rec- 
reation of the three fatal Sister-Parco?, or of 
the nocturnal exercise of the noble Circe, or 
yet of the excuse which Penelope made to 
her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate 
courtiers, during the long absence of her hus- 
band Ulysses. 

By these means is this herb put into a way 
to display its inestimable virtues, whereof I 
will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing 
impossible to do. I have already interpreted 
and exposed before you the denomination 
thereof. I find that plants have their names 
given and bestowed upon them after several 
ways. Some got the name of him who first 
found them out, knew them, sowed them, im- 
proved them by culture, qualified them to a 
tractability, and appropriated them to the 
uses and subserviences they were fit for. As 
the Mercurialis from Mercury; Panacea from 
Panace, the daughter of Esculapius; Armois 
from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria from 



the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; 
Euphorbium from Euphorbus, King Juba's 
physician; Clymenos from Cly menus; Al- 
cibiadium from Alcibiades; Gentian from 
Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, 
through a great many other herbs or plants. 
Truly, in ancient times, this prerogative of 
imposing the inventor's name upon an herb 
found out by him was held in a so great ac- 
count and estimation, that, as a controversy 
arose betwixt Neptune and Pallas, from 
which of them two that land should receive 
its denomination, which had been equally 
found out by them both together; though 
thereafter it was called and had the appella- 
tion of Athens, from Athene, which is Miner- 
va, just so would Lynccus, King of Scythia, 
have treacherously slain the young Triptole- 
mus whom Ceres had sent to show unto man- 
kind the invention of corn, which until then 
had been utterly unknown; to the end that, 
after the murder of the messenger, whose 
death he made account to have kept secret, 
he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion 
of false dealing, his own name upon the said 
found out seed, acquire unto himself an im- 
mortal honour and glory for having been the 
inventor of a grain so profitable and neces- 
sary to and for the use of human life. For the 
wickedness of which treasonable attempt he 
was by Ceres transformed into that wild 
beast, which by some is called a lynx, and by 
others an ounce. Such also was the ambition 
of others upon the like occasion, as appear- 
eth, by that veiy sharp wars, and of a long 
continuance have been made of old betwixt 
some residentiary kings in Cappadoeia upon 
this only debate, of whose name a certain 
herb should have the appellation; by reason 
of which difference, so troublesome and ex- 
pensive to them all, it was by them called 
Polcmonion, and by us for the same cause 
termed Make-bate. 

Other herbs and plants there are, which re- 
tain the names of the countries from whence 
they were transported; as the Median apples 
from Media, where they first grew; Punic ap- 
ples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage; 
Ligusticum, which we call Lovage, from Li- 
guria, the coast of Genoa; Rhubarb from a 
flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, 
called Ru; Saritonica from a region of that 
name; Fenugreek from Greece; Castanes 
from a country so called; Persicaria from Per- 
sia; Sabine from a territory of that appella- 
tion; Stcechas from the Stcechad Islands; 



PANTAGRUEL 



225 



Spica Celtica from the land of the Celtic 
Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, 
which were tedious to enumerate. Some oth- 
ers, again, have obtained their denominations 
by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Ab- 
sinth, because it is contrary to ^tfros, for it 
is bitter to the taste in drinking, Holosteon, 
as if it were all bones, whilst on the contrary, 
there is no frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb 
in the whole production of nature than it. 

There are some other sorts of herbs, which 
have got their names from their virtues and 
operations; as Aristolochia, because it help- 
eth women in child-birth; Lichen, for that it 
cureth the disease of that name; Mallow, be- 
cause it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it 
maketh the hair of a bright colour; Alyssum, 
Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Hen- 
bane, and so forth through many more. 

Other some there are, which have obtained 
their names from the admirable qualities that 
are found to be in them; as Heliotropium, 
which is the marigold, because it followcth 
the sun, so that at the sun rising it displayeth 
and spreads itself out, at his ascending it 
mounteth, at his declining it waneth, and 
when he is set, it is close shut; Adianton, be- 
cause, although it grow near unto watery 
places, and albeit you should let it lie in wa- 
ter a long time, it will nevertheless retain no 
moisture nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, 
and so throughout a great many more. There 
are also a great many herbs and plants, which 
have retained the very same names of the 
men and women who have been metamor- 
phosed and transformed in them; as from 
Daphne, the laurel is called also Daphne; 
Myrrh from Myrrha, the daughter of Cinar- 
us; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, which is the 
artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, 
with Saffron, Smilax, and divers others. 

Many herbs, likewise, have got their names 
of those things which they seem to have some 
resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath 
the likeness of a horse's tail; Alopecuris, be- 
cause it represented! in similitude the tail of a 
fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; 
Delphinium, for that it is like the dolphin 
fish; Bugloss is so called, because it is an herb 
like an ox's tongue; Iris, so called, because in 
its flowers it hath some resemblance of the 
rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear 
of a mouse; Coronopus, for that it is of the 
likeness of a crow's foot. A great many other 
such there are, which here to recite were 
needless. Furthermore, as there are herbs 



and plants which have had their names from 
those of men, so by a reciprocal denomination 
have the surnames of many families taken 
their origin from them; as the Fabii, a fabis, 
beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas; the Lentuli, 
from lentils; the Cicerons, d ciccribus vcl ci- 
ceris, a sort of pulse called chickpeas, and so 
forth. In some plants and herbs, the resem- 
blance or likeness hath been taken from a 
higher mark or object, as when we say Venus' 
navel, Venus' hair, Venus' tub, Jupiter's 
beard, Jupiter's eye, Mars' blood, the Hermo- 
dactyl or Mercury's fingers, which are all of 
them names of herbs, as there are a great 
many more of the like appellation. Others, 
again, have received their denomination from 
their forms; such as the trefoil, because it is 
three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for having five 
leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along 
the ground; Helxine, Petast, Myrobalon, 
which the Arabians called Been, as if you 
would say an acorn, for it hath a kind of re- 
semblance thereto, and withal is very oily. 

CHAPTER 51 

Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the ad- 
mirable virtues thereof 

BY such like means of attaining to a denomi- 
nation, the fabulous ways being only from 
thence expected; for, the Lord forbid, that we 
should make use of any fables in this a so 
very veritable history, is this herb called Pan- 
tagruelion; for Pantagruel was the inventor 
thereof. 1 do not say of the plant itself, but of 
a certain use which it serves for, exceeding 
odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, 
unto whom it is more contrarious and hurtful 
than the strangle weed and choke-fitch is to 
the flax, the cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave- 
grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches to the 
chickney-peas, the darnel to barley, the 
hatchet-fitch to the lentil -pulse, the antrami- 
um to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, 
the water-lily to lecherous monks, the birch- 
enrod to the scholars of the college of Na- 
varre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, gar- 
lic to the load-stone, onions to the sight, fern- 
seed to women with child, willow-grain to 
vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that 
sleep under it, wolfs-bane to wolves and lib- 
bards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hem- 
lock to goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil 
to trees. For we have seen many of those 
rogues, by virtue and right application of this 
herb, finish their lives short and long, after 



226 



RABELAIS 



the manner of Phyllis, Queen of Thracia, of 
Benosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King 
Latinus's wife, of Iphis, Autolycus, Lycam- 
bes, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of 
Lydia, and many thousands more; who were 
chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster there- 
in, that, without being otherwise sick or evil 
disposed in their bodies, by a touch only of 
the Pantagruelion, they came on a sudden to 
have the passage obstructed, and their pipes, 
through which were wont to bolt so many jol- 
ly sayings, and to enter so many luscious mor- 
sels, stopped, more cleverly, than ever could 
have done the squinancy. 

Others have been heard most woefully to 
lament at the very instant when Atropos was 
about to cut the thread of their life, that Pan- 
tagruel held them by the gorge. But, well-a- 
day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an 
executioner. It was the Pantagruelion, manu- 
factured and fashioned into an halter, and 
serving in the place and office of a cravat. In 
that, verily, they solecized and spoke improp- 
erly, unless you would excuse them by a 
trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor 
in the place of the thing invented; as when 
Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put in- 
stead of wine. I swear to you here, by the 
good and frolic words which are to issue out 
of that wine-bottle, which is a-cooling below 
in the copper vessel full of fountain water, 
that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any 
man by the throat, unless it was such a one 
as was altogether careless and ncglective of 
those obviating remedies, which were pre- 
ventive of the thirst to come. 

It is also termed Pantagruelion by a simili- 
tude. For Pantagruel, at the very first minute 
of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is 
long, whereof I speak unto you, his measure 
having been then taken the more easy, that 
he was born in the season of the great 
drought, when they were busiest in the gath- 
ering of the said herb, to wit, at that time 
when Icarus's dog, with his fiery bawling and 
barking at the sun, maketh the whole world 
troglodytic, and enforceth people every- 
where to hide themselves in dens and subter- 
ranean caves. It is likewise called Pantagrue- 
lion, because of the notable and singular 
qualities, virtues, and properties thereof. For 
as Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, 
prototype, and exemplary of all jovial perfec- 
tion and accomplishment in the truth where- 
of I believe there is none of you, gentlemen 
drinkers, that putteth any question so in this 



Pantagruelion have I found so much efficacy 
and energy, so much completeness and excel- 
lency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and 
so many admirable effects and operations of 
a transcendent nature, that, if the worth and 
virtue thereof had been known, when those 
trees, by the relation of the prophet, made 
election of a wooden king to rule and govern 
over them, it without doubt would have car- 
ried away from all the rest the plurality of 
votes and suffrages. 

Shall I yet say more? If Oxilus, the son of 
Onus, had begotten this plant upon his sister 
Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the 
value and perfection of it alone, than in all 
his eight children, so highly renowned by our 
ablest mythologians, that they have sedulous- 
ly recommended their names to the never- 
failing tuition of an eternal remembrance. 
The eldest child was a daughter, whose name 
was Vine; the next born was a boy, and his 
name was Fig-tree; the third was called Wal- 
nut-tree; the fourth Oak; the fifth Sorbapplo- 
tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar; and 
the last had the name of Elm, who was the 
greatest surgeon in his time. I shall forbear to 
tell you, how the juice or sap thereof, being 
poured and distilled within the ears, killeth 
every kind of vermin, that by any manner of 
putrefaction comcth to be bred and engen- 
dered there, and destroyeth also any whatso- 
ever other animal that shall have entered in 
thereat. If, likewise, you put a little of the 
said juice with a pail or bucket full of water, 
you shall see the water instantly turn and 
grow thick therewith, as if it were milk curds, 
whereof the virtue is so great, that the water 
thus curded is a present remedy for horses 
subject to the cholic, and such as strike at 
their own flanks. The root thereof well boiled 
mollifieth the joints, softeneth the hardness 
of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable 
to the nerves, and good against all cramps 
and convulsions, as likewise all cold and knot- 
ty gouts. If you would speedily heal a burn- 
ing, whether occasioned by water or fire, ap- 
ply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion, that is 
to say, take it so as it cometh out of the 
ground, without bestowing any other prepar- 
ation or composition upon it; but have a spe- 
cial care to change it for some fresher, in lieu 
thereof, as soon as you shall find it waxing 
dry upon the sore. 

Without this herb, kitchens would be de- 
tested, the tables of dining-rooms abhorred, 
although there were great plenty and variety 



PANTAGRUEL 



227 



of most dainty and sumptuous dishes of meat 
set down upon themand the choicest beds 
also, how richly soever adorned with gold, sil- 
ver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and the mixture 
of most precious metals, would without it 
yield no delight or pleasure to the reposers in 
them. Without it millers could neither carry 
wheat, nor any other kind of corn, to the mill, 
nor would they be able to bring back from 
thence flour, or any other sort of meal what- 
soever. Without it, how could the papers and 
writs of lawyers' clients be brought to the 
bar? Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaister 
brought to the workhouse without it. With- 
out it, how should the water be got out of a 
draw-well; in what case would tabellions, no- 
taries, copyists, makers of counterpanes, wri- 
ters, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such- 
like persons be without it? Were it not for it, 
what would become of the toll-rates and rent- 
rolls? Would not the noble art of printing 
perish without it? Whereof could the chassis 
or paper windows be made? How should the 
bells be mug? The altars of Isis are adorned 
therewith, the Pastophorian pi icsts are there- 
with clad and accoutred, and whole human 
nature covered and wrapped therein, at its 
first position and production in and into this 
world. All the lanific trees of Seres, the burn- 
bast and cotton bushes in the territories near 
the Persian sea, and Gulf of Bcngala; the 
Arabian swans, together with the plants of 
Malta, do not all of them clothe, attire, and 
apparel so many persons as this one herb 
alone 1 . Soldieis are now-a-tlays much better 
sheltci cd under it, than they were in former 
times, when they lay in tents covered with 
skins. It overshadows the theatres and amphi- 
theatres from the heat of a scorching sun. It 
begirdeth and encompasseth forests, chases, 
parks, copses, and groves, for the pleasure of 
hunters. It descendeth into the salt and fresh 
of both sea and river waters, for the profit of 
fishers. By it are boots of all sizes, buskins, ga- 
mashes, brodkins, gambados, shoes, pumps, 
slippers, and every cobbled ware wrought 
and made steadable for the use of man. By it 
the butt and rover bows are strung, the cross- 
bows bended, and the slings made fixed. And, 
as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the 
vervain, and reverenced by ghosts, spirits, 
hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies 
of deceased men are never buried without it. 
I will proceed yet further. By the means of 
this fine herb, the invisible substances are 
visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, 



and prisoner-like committed to their recep- 
tive gaols. Heavy and ponderous weights are 
by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, 
drawn, carried, and every way moved quick- 
ly, nimbly and easily, to the great profit and 
emolument of human kind. When I perpend 
with myself these and such like marvellous 
effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth 
strange unto me, how the invention of so use- 
ful a practice did escape through so many by- 
past ages the knowledge ol the ancient phi- 
losophers, considering the inestimable utility 
\\hich from thence proceeded, and the im- 
mense labour, which, without it, they did un- 
dergo in their pristine lucubrations. By virtue 
thereof, through the retention of some aerial 
gusts, are the huge barges, mighty galleons, 
the large floats, the Chiliander, the Myrian- 
der ships launched from their stations, and set 
agoing at the pleasure and arbitrement of 
their rulers, conders, and steersmen. By the 
help thereof those remote nations, whom na- 
ture seemed so unwilling to have discovered 
to us, and so desirous to have kept them still 
in absconditcP 1 and hidden from us, that the 
ways through which their countries were to 
be reached unto, were not only totally un- 
known, but judged also to be altogether im- 
permeable and inaccessible, are now arrived 
to us, and we to them. 

Those voyages outreached the flights of 
birds, and far surpassed the scope of fea- 
thered fowls, how swift soever they had been 
on the wing, and notwithstanding that ad- 
vantage which they have of us, in swimming 
through the air. Taproban hath seen the 
heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas, the 
Riphiran mountains; wide distant Phebol 
shall see Theleme, and the Islanders drink of 
the flood of Euphrates. By it the chill- 
mouthed Boreas hath surveyed the parched 
mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus vis- 
ited the regions which Zephyrus hath under 
his command; yea, in such sort have inter- 
views been made, by the assistance of this sa- 
cred herb, that, maugre longitudes and lati- 
tudes, and all the variations of the zones, the 
Penccian people, and Anteocian, Amphisci- 
an, Heteroscian, and Periscian have oft ren- 
dered and received mutual visits to and from 
other, upon all the climates. These strange 
exploits bred such astonishment to the celes- 
tial intelligences, to all the marine and terres- 
trial gods, that they ^wcrc on a sudden all 
afraid. From which amazement, when they 
saw, how, by means of this blest Pantagrueli- 



228 



RABELAIS 



on, the Arctic people looked upon the Antarc- 
tic, scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the 
tropics, pushed through the torrid zone, 
measured all the zodiac, sported under the 
equinoctial, having both poles level with 
their horizon; they judged it high time to call 
a council for their own safety and preserva- 
tion. 

The Olympic gods, being all and each of 
them affrighted at the sight of such achieve- 
ments, said, Pantagruel hath shapen work 
enough for us, and put us more to a plunge, 
and nearer our wit's end, by this sole herb of 
his, than did of old the Aloiduc by overturn- 
ing mountains. He very speedily is to be mar- 
ried, and shall have many children by his 
wife. It lies not in our power to oppose this 
destiny; for it hath passed through the hands 
and spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity's 
inexorable daughters. Who knows but by his 
sons may be found out an herb of such an- 
other virtue and prodigious energy, as that by 
the aid thereof in using it aright according to 
their father's skill, they may contrive a way 
for human kind to pierce into the high aerian 
clouds, get up unto the spring-head of the 
hail, take an inspection of the snowy sources, 
and shut and open as they please the sluices 
from whence proceed the floodgates of the 
rain; then prosecuting their etherial voyage, 
they may step in unto the lightning work- 
house and shop, where all the thunderbolts 
are forged, where, seizing on the magazine of 
heaven, and storehouse of our warlike fire 
munition, they may discharge a bouncing 
peal or two of thundering ordnance, for joy of 
their arrival to these new supernal places; 
and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, 
turn the whole force of that artillery wherein 
we most confided against ourselves. Then is 
it like, they will set forward to invade the ter- 
ritories of the moon, whence, passing through 
both Mercury and Venus, the Sim will serve 
them for a torch, to show the way from Mars 
to Jupiter and Saturn. We shall not then be 
able to resist the impetuosity of their intru- 
sion, nor put a stoppage to their entering in 
at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or man- 
sions of the spangled firmament they shall 
have any mind to see, to stay in, or to travel 
through for their recreation. All the celestial 
signs together, with the constellations of the 
fixed stars, will jointly be at their devotion 
then. Some will take up their lodging at the 
Ram, some at the Bull, and others at the 
Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion 



Inn, and others at the sign of the Virgin; some 
at the Balance, others at the Scorpion, and 
others will be quartered at the Archer; some 
will be harboured at the Goat, some at the 
Water-pourer's sign, some at the Fishes: 
some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, 
some at the Golden Eagle and the Dolphin; 
some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, 
some at the great, some at the little Bear, and 
so throughout the glistening hostelries of the 
whole twinkling asteristic welkin. There will 
be sojourners come from the earth, who, long- 
ing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their 
own skimming off, from the best milk of all 
the dairy of the Galaxy, will set themselves at 
table down with us, drink of our nectar and 
ambrosia, and take to their own beds at night 
for wives and concubines, our fairest god- 
desses, the only means whereby they can be 
deified. A junto hereupon being convocatecl, 
the better to consult upon the manner of ob- 
viating so dreadful a danger, Jove, sitting in 
his presidential throne, asked the votes of all 
the other gods, which, after a profound de- 
liberation amongst themselves on all contin- 
gencies, they freely gave at last, and then re- 
solved unanimously to withstand the shocks 
of all whatsoever sublunary assaults. 

CHAPTER 52 

How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of 
that nature that the fire is not able to con- 
sume it 

I HAVE already related to you great and ad- 
mirable things; but, if you might be induced 
to adventure upon the hazard of believing 
some other divinity of this sacred Pantagru- 
elion, I very willingly would tell it you. Be- 
lieve it, if you will, or, otherwise, believe it 
not, I care not which of them you do, they 
are both alike to me. It shall be sufficient for 
my purpose to have told you the truth, and 
the truth I will tell you. But to enter in there- 
at, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and 
rugged access, this is the question which I ask 
of you. If I had put within this bottle two 
pints, the one of wine, and the other of water, 
thoroughly and exactly mingled together, 
how would you unmix them? After what 
manner would you go about to sever them, 
and separate the one liquor from the other, in 
such sort, that you render me the water apart, 
free from the wine, and the wine also pure, 
without the intermixture of one drop of wa- 
ter, and both of them in the same measure; 



PANTAGRUEL 



229 



quantity, and taste, that I had embottled 
them? Or, to state the question otherwise. If 
your carmen and mariners, entrusted for the 
provision of your houses with the bringing of 
a certain considerable number of tuns, pun- 
cheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of 
Graves wine, or of the wine of Orleans, 
Beaune, and Mirevaux, should drink out the 
half, and afterwards with water fill up the 
other empty halves of the vessels as full as 
before; as the Limosins use to do, in their car- 
riages by wains and carts, of the wines of Ar- 
genton and Sangaultier, after that, how 
would you part the water from the wine, and 
purify them both in such a case? I understand 
you well enough. Your meaning is, that I 
must do it with an ivy funnel. That is written, 
it is true, and the verity thereof explored by 
a thousand experiments; you have learned to 
do this feat before, I see it. But those that 
have never known it, nor at any time have 
seen the like, would hardly believe that it 
were possible. Let us nevertheless proceed. 

But put the case, we were now living in the 
age of Sylla, Marius Caesar, arid other such 
Roman emperors, or that we were in the time 
of our ancient Druids, whose custom was to 
burn and calcine the dead bodies of their par- 
ents and lords, and that you had a mind to 
drink the ashes or cinders of your wives or 
fathers, in the infused liquor of some good 
white-wine, as Artemisia drunk the dust and 
ashes of her husband Mausolus; or, other- 
wise, that you did determine to have them re- 
served in some fine urn, or reliquary pot; 
how would you save the ashes apart, and sep- 
arate them from those other cinders and ash- 
es into which the fuel of the funeral and bus- 
tiiary fire hath been converted? Answer, if 
you can. By my figgings, I believe it will trou- 
ble you so to do. 

Well, I will dispatch, and tell you, that, if 
you take of this celestial Pantagruelion so 
much as is needful to cover the body of the 
defunct, and after that you shall have en- 
wrapped and bound therein, as hard and 
closely as you can, the corps of the said de- 
ceased person, and sewed up the folding- 
sheet, with thread of the same stuff, throw it 
into the fire, how great or ardent soever it be, 
it matters not a straw, the fire through this 
Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce 
to ashes the bones thereof, and the Pantagru- 
elion shall be not only not consumed nor 
burnt, but also shall neither lose one atom of 
the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one 



atom of the huge bustuary heap of ashes re- 
sulting from the blazing conflagration of 
things combustible laid round about it, but 
shall at last, when taken out of the fire, be 
fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when 
you did put it in first. Therefore it is called 
Adhesion, which is as much as to say incom- 
bustible. Great plenty is to be found thereof 
in Caprasia, as likewise in the climate Dia 
Cyencs, at very easy rates. O how rare and 
admirable a thing it is, that the fire, which de- 
voureth, consumeth, and destroyeth all such 
things else, should cleanse, purge, and whi- 
ten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbes- 
ton! If you mistrust the verity of this relation, 
and demand for further confirmation of my 
assertion a visible sign, as the Jews, and such 
incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh 
egg, and orbicularly, or rather, ovally, enfold 
it within this divine Pantagruelion. When it 
is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of 
a fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and, 
having left it there as long as you will, you 
shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, 
find the egg roasted hard, and as it were 
burnt, without any alteration, change, muta- 
tion, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred 
Pantagruelion. For less than a million of 
pounds sterling, modified, taken down and 
amodcrated to the twelfth part of one four 
pence half-penny farthing, you are to put it to 
a trial, and make proof thereof. 

Do not think to overmatch me here, by 
paragoning with it in the way of a more em- 
inent comparison the Salamander. That is a 
fib; for, albeit a little ordinary fire, such as is 
used in dining-rooms and chambers, glad- 
den, cheer up, exhilarate and quicken it, yet 
may I warrantably enough assure, that in the 
flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other 
animated creature, be quickly suffocated, 
choked, consumed, and destroyed. We have 
seen experiment thereof, and Galen many ages 
ago hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed 
it, lib. 3. De Tcmpcramentis. and Dioscorides 
maintaincth the same doctrine, lib. 2. Do not 
here instance, in competition with this sacred 
herb, the feather alum, or the wooden tower 
of Piraeus, which Lucius Sylla was never able 
to get burnt; for that Archelaus, governor of 
the town for Mithridatcs King of Pontus, had 
plastered it all over on the outside with the 
said allum. Nor would I have you to compare 
therewith the herb, which Alexander Corne- 
lius called Eonern, and said, that it had some 
resemblance with that oak which bears the 



230 



RABELAIS 



mistletoe, and that it could neither be con- 
sumed, nor receive any manner of prejudice 
by fire, nor by water, no more than the mis- 
tletoe, of which was built, said he, the so re- 
nowned ship Argos. Search where you please 
for those that will believe it. I in that point 
desire to be excused. Neither would I wish 
you to parallel therewith, although I cannot 
deny, but that it is of a very marvellous na- 
ture, that sort of tree which groweth along 
the mountains of Briancon and Ambrun, 
which produceth out of its root the good 
Agaric. From its body it yieldeth unto us a so 
excellent rosin, that Galen hath been bold to 
equal it unto the turpentine. Upon the deli- 
cate leaves thereof it retaineth for our use 
that sweet heavenly honey, which is called 
the manna; and, although it be of a gummy, 
oily, fat and greasy substance, it is notwith- 
standing unconsumable by any fire. It is in 
the Greek and Latin called Larix. The Alpi- 
nese name is Mclze. The Anternorides and 
Venetians term it Larege; which gave occa- 
sion to that castle in Piedmont to receive the 
denomination of Larignum, by putting Juli- 
us Cassar to a stand at his return from 
amongst the Gauls. 

Julius Ca?sar commanded all the yeomen, 
boors, hinds, and other inhabitants in, near 
unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont to 
bring all manner of victuals and provision for 
an army to those places, which on the military 
road he had appointed to receive them for 
the use of his marching soldiery. To which 
ordinance all of them were obedient, save 
only those as were within the garrison of La- 
rignum, who, trusting in the natural strength 
of the place, would not pay their contribu- 
tion. The emperor, purposing to chastise 
them for their refusal, caused his whole army 
to march straight towards that castle, before 
the gate whereof was erected a tower built 
of huge big spars and rafters of the larch tree, 
fast bound together with pins and pegs of the 
same wood, and interchangeably laid on one 
another, after the fashion of a pile or stack 
of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to 
such an apt and convenient height that 
from the parapet above the portcullis they 
thought with stones and levers to beat off 
and drive away such as should approach 
thereto. 

When Caesar had understood, that the 
chief defence of those within the castle did 
consist in stones and clubs, and that it was 
not an easy matter to sling, hurl, dart, throw, 



or cast them so far as to hinder the approach- 
es, he forthwith commanded his men to 
throw great store of bavins, faggots, and fas- 
cines round about the castle; and, when they 
had made the heap of a competent height, to 
put them all in a fair fire, which was there- 
upon incontinently done. The fire put amidst 
the faggots was so great and so high, that it 
covered the whole castle, that they might 
well imagine the tower would thereby be al- 
together burnt to dust and demolished. Nev- 
ertheless, contrary to all their hopes and ex- 
pectations, when the flame ceased, and that 
the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, 
the tower appeared as whole, sound, and en- 
tire as ever. Cnesar, after a serious considera- 
tion had thereof, commanded a compass to 
be taken without the distance of a stone's cast 
from the castle round about it; there, with 
ditches and entrenchments to form a block- 
ade; which when the Larignans understood, 
they rendered themselves upon terms. And 
then, by a relation from them, it was, that 
Caesar learned the admirable nature and vir- 
tue of this wood, which of itself produceth 
neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, there- 
fore, in regard of that rare quality of incom- 
bustibility, have been admitted into this rank 
and degree of a true Pantagruelion plant; and 
that so much the rather, for that Pantagruel 
directed that all the gates, doors, angiports, 
windows, gutters, frettized, and embowcd 
ceilings, cans, and other whatsoever wooden 
furniture in the abbey of Theleme, should be 
all materiated of this kind of timber. He like- 
wise caused to cover therewith the sterns, 
stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatchets, decks, 
courses, bends and walls of his carricks, ships, 
galleons, galleys, brigantines, foysts, frigates, 
crears, barks, floyts, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, 
catches, capers, and other vessels of his Tha- 
lassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or 
timber of the larchtrcc being put within a 
large and ample furnace, full of huge vehe- 
mently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel 
of other sorts and kinds of wood, cometh at 
last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, 
and destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln. 
But this Pantagruelion Asbeston is rather by 
the fire renewed and cleansed, than by the 
flames thereof consumed or changed. There- 
fore, 

Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans, 
Sing not, in hymns and lo Paeans, 
Your incense, myrrh, or ebony. 



PANTAGRUEL 231 

Come here, a nobler plant to see, And say, with France it goodly goes, 

And carry home, at any rate, Where the Pantagruelion grows. 
Some seed, that you may propagate. 

If in your soil it takes, to heaven [Sir Thomas Urquhart's part of the transla- 

A thousand thousand thanks be given; tion ends here, and that of Motteux begins.] 



BOOK FOUR 



TREATING OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS 
OF THE GOOD PANTAGRUEL 



THE AUTHOR'S EPISTLE DEDICATORY 

To TUB MOST ILLUSTRIOUS PRINCE, AND MOST REVKREND LORD ODET, 
CARDINAL DE CHASTILLON 



You are not unacquainted, most illustrious 
prince, how often I have been, and am daily 
pressed and required by great numbers of 
eminent persons, to proceed in the Pantagru- 
elian fables: they tell me that many languish- 
ing, sick and disconsolate persons, perusing 
them, have deceived their grief, passed their 
time merrily, and been inspired with new joy 
and comfort. I commonly answer, that I 
aimed not at glory and applause, when I di- 
verted myself with writing; but only designed 
to give by my pen, to the absent who labour 
under affliction, that little help which at all 
times I willingly strive to give to the present 
that stand in need of my art and service. 
Sometimes I at large relate to them, how 
Hippocrates in several places, and particular- 
ly in lib. 6. Epidem., describing the institu- 
tion of the physician his disciple, and also 
Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, Hali 
Abbas, and other authors, have descended to 
particulars, in the prescription of his motions, 
deportment, looks, countenance, graceful- 
ness, civility, cleanliness of face, clothes, 
beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his very 
nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover 
in some comedy, or enter the lists to fight 
some potent enemy. And indeed the practice 
of physic is properly enough compared by 
Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce act- 
ed between three persons, the patient, the 
physician, and the disease. Which passage 
has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's say- 
ing to Augustus her father. One day she came 
before him in a very gorgeous, loose, lascivi- 
ous dress, which very much displeased him, 
though he did not much discover his discon- 
tent. The next day she put on another, arid in 
a modest garb, such as the chaste Roman la- 



dies wore, came into his presence. The kind 
father could not then forbear expressing the 
pleasure which he took to see her so much 
altered, and said to her: Oh! how much more 
this garb becomes, and is commendable in 
the daughter of Augustus. But she, having 
her excuse ready, answered: This clay, sir, I 
dressed myself to please my father's eye; yes- 
terday, to gratify that of my husband. Thus 
disguised in looks and garb, nay even, as for- 
merly was the fashion, with a rich and pleas- 
ant gown with four sleeves, which was called 
philonium according to Petrus Alexandrinus 
in 6. Epidem., a physician might answer to 
such as might find the metamorphosis inde- 
cent: Thus have I accoutred myself, not that 
I am proud of appearing in such a dress; but 
for the sake of my patient, whom alone I 
wholly design to please, and no ways offend 
or dissatisfy. There is also a passage in our 
father Hippocrates, in the book I have 
named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, 
and labour: not indeed to know whether the 
physician's frowning, discontented, and mo- 
rose Catonian look render the patient sad, 
and his joyful, serene, and pleasing counte- 
nance rejoice him; for experience teaches us 
that this is most certain; but whether such 
sensations of grief, or pleasure, are produced 
by the apprehension of the patient observing 
his motions and qualities in his physician and 
drawing from thence conjectures of the end 
and catastrophe of his disease; as, by his 
pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, 
and by his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad 
and dismal consequences; and whether those 
sensations be produced by a transfusion of 
the serene or gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joy- 
ful or melancholic spirits of the physician, 



232 



EPISTLE 



233 



into the person of the patient, as is the opin- 
ion of Plato and Averroes. 

Above all things, the fore-cited authors 
have given particular directions to physicians 
about the words, discourse, and converse, 
which they ought to have with their patients; 
every one aiming at one point, that is, to re- 
joice them without offending God, and in no 
ways whatsoever to vex or displease them. 
Which causes Herophilus much to blame the 
physician Callianax, who, being asked by a 
patient of his, Shall I die? impudently made 
him this answer: 

Patroclus died, whom all allow, 
By much a better man than you. 

Another, who had a mind to know the state 
of his distemper, asking him, after our merry 
Patelin's way; Well, doctor, does not my wa- 
ter tell you I shall die? He foolishly answered, 
No; if Latona, the mother of those lovely 
twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee. Galen, 
lib. 4, Comment. 6. Epidem., blames much 
also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain noble- 
man of Rome, his patient, saying to him, You 
have been at breakfast, my master, your 
breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, 
Yours smells of fever: which is the better 
smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever? But 
the calumny of certain cannibals, misan- 
thropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has been 
so foul and excessive against me, that it had 
conquered my patience, and I had resolved 
not to write one jot more. For the least of 
their detractions were, that my books are all 
stuffed with various heresies, of which, nev- 
ertheless, they could not show one single in- 
stance: much, indeed, of comical and faceti- 
ous fooleries, neither offending God nor the 
king; (and truly I own they are the only sub- 
ject, and only theme of these books) but of 
heresy, not a word, unless they interpreted 
wrong, and against all use of reason, and 
common language, what I had rather suffer a 
thousand deaths, if it were possible than have 
thought: as you should make bread to be 
stone, a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be 
a scorpion. This, my lord, emboldened me 
once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in 
your presence, that if I did not esteem myself 
a better Christian, than they show themselves 
towards me, and if my life, writings, words, 
nay thoughts, betrayed to me one single spark 
of heresy, or I should in a detestable manner 
fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, 



Aia/3oXos, who, by their means, raises such 
crimes against me; I would then, like the 
phoenix, gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and 
burn myself in the midst of it. You were then 
pleased to say to me, that King Francis, of 
eternal memory, had been made sensible of 
those false accusations; and that having 
caused my books (mine, I say, because sev- 
eral, false and infamous, have been wickedly 
laid to me ) to be carefully and distinctly read 
to him by the most learned and faithful anag- 
nost in this kingdom, he had not found any 
passage suspicious; and that he abhorred a 
certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical in- 
former, who grounded a mortal heresy on an 
n put instead of an m by the carelessness of 
the printers. 

As much was done by his son, our most 
gracious, virtuous, and blessed sovereign, 
Henry, whom Heaven long preserve: so that 
he granted you his royal privilege, and partic- 
ular protection for me, against my slandering 
adversaries. 

You kindly condescended since, to confirm 
me these happy news at Paris; arid also lately, 
when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bel- 
lay, who, for the benefit of his health, after a 
lingering distemper, was retired to St. Maur, 
that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, 
serenity, conveniency, and all desirable coun- 
try pleasures. 

Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patron- 
age, I am emboldened once more to draw my 
pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes 
that you will still prove to me, against the 
power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules 
in learning, prudence, and eloquence; an Al- 
exicacos in virtue, power, and authority: you, 
of whom I may truly say what the wise mon- 
arch Solomon saith of Moses, that great 
prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45. 
A man fearing and loving God, who found 
favour in the sight of all flesh, well-beloved 
both of God and man; whose memorial is 
blessed. God made him like to the glorious 
saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies 
stood in fear of him; and for him made won- 
ders; made him glorious in the sight of kings, 
gave him a commandment for his people, and 
by him showed his light: he sanctified him in 
his faithfulness, and meekness, and chose him 
out of all men. By him he made us to hear his 
voice, and caused by him the law of life and 
knowledge to be given. 

Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to 
hear any one commend those merry compo- 



234 



RABELAIS 



sures, they shall be adjured by me to be 
obliged, and pay their thanks to you alone, as 
also to offer their prayers to Heaven, for the 
continuance and increase of your greatness; 
and to attribute no more to me, than my 
humble and ready obedience to your com- 
mands; for by your most honourable encour- 
agement, you at once have inspired me with 
spirit, and with invention; and without you 



my heart had failed me, and the fountain- 
head of my animal spirits had been dry. May 
the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy. 
My Lord, 
Your Most Humble, and 

Most Devoted Servant, 
FRANCIS RABELAIS, Physician 
Paris, this 28f/i of January, MDLIl 



THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE 



GOOD people. God save and keep you! Where 
are you? I can't see you : stay I'll saddle my 
nose with spectacles oh, oh! it will be fair 
anon, I see you. Well, you have had a good 
vintage, they say: this is no bad news to 
Frank, you may swear. You have got an in- 
fallible cure against thirst: rarely performed 
of you, my friends! You, your wives, children, 
friends, and families are in as good case as 
hearts can wish; it is well, it is as I would 
have it: God be praised for it, and if such be 
his will, may you long be so. For my part, I 
am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed good- 
ness; and by the means of a little Pantagruel- 
ism, (which you know is a certain jollity of 
rnind, pickled in the scorn of foitune,) you 
see me now hale and cheery, as sound as a 
bell, and ready to drink, if you will. Would 
you know why I'm thus, good people? I will 
even give you a positive answer Such is the 
Lord's will, which I obey and revere; it being 
said in his word, in great derision to the phy- 
sician neglectful of his own health, Physician, 
heal thyself. 

Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, 
and had conversed with the Christians of his 
time, as appears lib. n. DC Um Partinm; lib. 
2. De Diffcrcntiis Pnhiiuni, cap. 3, and ibid. 
lib. 3. cap 2. and lib. DC Rerurn Affectibus 
(if it be Galen's) . Yet it was not for any such 
veneration of holy writ that he took care of 
his own health. No, it was for fear of being 
twitted with the saying so well known among 
physicians. 



He boasts of healing poor and rich, 
Yet is himself all over itch. 

This made him boldly say, that he did not 
desire to In* esteemed a physician, if from his 
twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not 
lived in perfect health, except some ephemer- 



ous fevers, of which he soon rid himself: yet 
he was not naturally of the soundest temper, 
his stomach being evidently bad. Indeed, as, 
he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate Tuenda, that 
physician will hardly be thought very careful 
of the health of others, who neglects his own. 
Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for 
he said that he had articled with fortune not 
to be reputed a physician, if he could be said 
to have been sick, since he began to practise 
physic, to his latter age, which he reached, 
lusty in all his members, and victorious over 
fortune; till at last the old gentleman unluck- 
ily tumbled down from the top of a certain 
ill-propt and rotten staircase, and so there 
was an end of him. 

If by some disaster health is fled from your 
worships to the right or to the left, above or 
below, before or behind, within or without, 
far or near, on this side or the other side, 
wheresoever it be, may you presently, with 
the help of the Lord, meet with it. Having 
found it, may you immediately claim it, seize 
it, and secure it. The law allows it: the king 
would have it so: nay, you have my advice for 
it. Neither more not less than the law makers 
of old did fully impower a master to claim 
and seize his runaway servant, wherever he 
might be found. Odsboclikins, is it not written 
and warranted by the ancient customs of this 
so noble, so rich, so flourishing realm of 
France, that the dead seizes the quick? See 
what has been declared very lately in that 
point by that learned, wise, courteous, hu- 
mane and just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, 
counsellor of the great victorious, and tri- 
umphant Henry II, in the most honourable 
court of Parliament at Paris. Health is our life, 
as Ariphron the Sicyonian wisely has it; with- 
out health life is not life, it is not living life: 
'ABI'02 Bl'OS, BI'OrABI'UTOS. Without 
health life is only a languishment, and an im- 
age of death. Therefore, you that want your 



PROLOGUE 



235 



health, that is to say, that are dead, seize the 
quick; secure life to yourselves, that is to say, 
health. 

I have this hope in the Lord, that he will 
hear our supplications, considering with what 
faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant 
this our wish, because it is moderate and 
mean. Mediocrity was held by the ancient 
sages to be golden, that is to say precious, 
praised by all men, and pleasing in all places. 
Read the sacred Bible, you will find, the pray- 
ers of those who asked moderately were nev- 
er unanswered. For example, little dapper 
Zaccheus, whose body and reliqucs the 
monks of St. Garlick, near Orleans, boast of 
having, and nicknamed him St. Sylvanus, he 
only wished to see our blessed Saviour near 
Jerusalem. It was but a small request and no 
more than anybody then might pretend to. 
But alas! he was but low-built; and one of so 
diminutive a size, among the crowd, could 
not so much as get a glimpse of him. Well 
then he struts, stands on tip-toes, bustles, and 
bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, 
and with much ado clambers up a sycamore. 
Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincere af- 
fection, presented himself to his sight, and 
was not only seen by him, but heard also; 
nay, what is more, he came to his house, and 
blessed his family. 

One of the sons of the prophets in Israel 
felling wood near the river Jordan, his hatch- 
et forsook the helve, and fell to the bottom of 
the river: so he prayed to have it again, (it 
was but a small request, mark ye me,) and 
having a strong faith, he did not throw the 
hatchet after the helve, as some spirits of con- 
tradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, 
but the helve after the hatchet, as you all 
properly have it. Presently two great mira- 
cles were seen: up springs the hatchet from 
the bottom of the water, and fixes itself to its 
old acquaintance the helve. Now had he 
wished to coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot 
like Elias, to multiply in seed like Abraham, 
be as rich as Job, strong as Sampson, and 
beautiful as Absalom, would he have ob- 
tained it, do ye think? In troth, my friends, I 
question it very much. 

Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of 
hatchet, (but harkee me, be sure you do not 
forget when we ought to drink,) I will tell 
you what is written among the apologues of 
wise ./Esop the Frenchman. I mean the Phry- 
gian and Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes 
him; from which people, according to the 



most faithful chronicles, the noble French are 
descended. yElian writes that he was of 
Thrace; and Agathias, after Herodotus, that 
he was of Samos; it is all one to Frank. 

In his time lived a poor honest country fel- 
low of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by name, a 
wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low 
drudgery made shift so to pick up a sorry 
livelihood. It happened that he lost his 
hatchet. Now tell me who ever had more 
cause to be vexed than poor Tom? Alas, his 
whole estate and life depended on his hatch- 
et; by his hatchet he earned many a fair pen- 
ny of the best wood-mongers or log-mer- 
chants, among whom he went a jobbing; for 
want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and 
had death but met with him six days after 
without a hatchet, the grim fiend would have 
mowed him down in the twinkling of a bed- 
staff. In this sad case he began to be in a 
heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with 
the most eloquent prayers for you know nec- 
essity was the mother of eloquence. With the 
whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, 
down on his marrow-bones, his arms reared 
high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head 
bare, the poor wretch without ceasing was 
roaring out, by way of litany, at every repeti- 
tion of his supplications, My hatchet, lord 
Jupiter, my hatchet! my hatchet! only my 
hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, 
and nothing else! alas, my poor hatchet! 

Jupiter happened then to be holding a 
grand council, about certain urgent affairs, 
and old gammer Cybele was just giving her 
opinion, or, if you would rather have it so, it 
was young Prurbus the beau; but, in short, 
Tom's outcries and lamentations were so 
loud, that they were heard with no small 
amazement at the council-board, by the 
whole consistory of the gods. What a devil 
have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so 
horridly? By the mud of Styx, have not we 
had all along, and have riot we here still 
enough to do, to set to rights a world of 
damned puzzling businesses of consequence? 
We made an end of the fray between Pres- 
than, King of -Persia, and Soliman the Turk- 
ish Emperor; we have stopped up the pas- 
sages between the Tartars and the Musco- 
vites; answered the XerifFs petition; done the 
same to that of Golgots Rays; the state of 
Parma's dispatched; so is that of Mayden- 
burg that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, 
that town on the Mediterranean which we 
call Aphroclisium; Tripoli by carelessness has 



236 



RABELAIS 



got a new master; her hour was come. 

Here are the Gascons cursing and dam- 
ning, demanding the restitution of their bells. 

In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easter- 
lings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, nations for- 
merly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, 
curbed, and brought under by a paltry di- 
minutive crippled fellow: they ask us re- 
venge, relief, restitution of their former good 
sense, and ancient liberty. 

But what shall we do with this same Ramus 
and this Galland, with a pox to them, who 
surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, 
blackguard ragamuffins, sizers, vouchers, and 
stipulators, set together by the ears the whole 
university of Paris? I am in a sad quandary 
about it, and for the heart's blood of me can- 
not tell yet with whom of the two to side. 

Both seem to me notable fellows, and as 
true cods as ever pissed. The one has rose- 
nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other 
would gladly have some too. The one knows 
something; the other is no dunce. The one 
loves the better sort of men; the other is be- 
loved by them. The one is an old cunning fox; 
the other with tongue and pen, tooth and 
nail, falls foul of the ancient orators and phi- 
losophers, and barks at them like a cur. 

What thinkcst thou of it, say, thou bawdy 
Priapus? I have found thy council just before 
now, et habet tua mentula mentem. 1 

King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing 
up and taking off his cowl, his snout uncased 
and reared up, fiercely and stiffly propt, since 
you compare the one to a yelping snarling 
cur, and the other to sly Reynard the fox, my 
advice is, with submission, that without fret- 
ting or puzzling your brains any further about 
them, without any more ado, even serve 
them both as, in the days of yore, you did the 
clog and the fox. How? asked Jupiter; when? 
who were they? where was it? You have a rare 
memory, for aught I see, returned Priapus! 
This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom 
we have here nodding with his crimson phiz, 
to be revenged on the Thebans, had got a 
fairy fox, who whatever mischief he did, was 
never to be caught or wronged by any beast 
that wore a head. 

The noble Vulcan here present had framed 
a dog of Monesian brass, and with long puff- 
ing and blowing, put the spirit of life into 
him: he gave it to you, you gave it your Miss 
Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos 
gave it Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus. He 
was also of the fairy kind; so that, like the 



lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all 
other sorts of creatures; nothing could escape 
the dog. Now who should happen to meet but 
these two? What do you think they did? Dog 
by his destiny was to take fox, and fox by his 
fate was not to be taken. 

The case was brought before your coun- 
cil: you protested that you would not act 
against the fates; and the fates were contra- 
dictory. In short, the end and result of the 
matter was, that to reconcile two contradic- 
tions was an impossibility in nature. The very 
pang put you into a sweat; some drops of 
which happening to light on the earth, pro- 
duceth what the mortals call cabbage. All our 
noble consistory, for want of a categorical res- 
olution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, 
that above seventy-eight hogsheads of nectar 
were swilled down at that sitting. At last you 
took my advice, and transmogrified them into 
stones; and immediately got rid of your per- 
plexity, and a truce with thirst was pro- 
claimed through this vast Olympus. This was 
the year of flabby cods, near Teumessus, be- 
tween Thebes and Ghalcis. 

After this manner, it is my opinion, that 
you should petrify this dog and this fox. The 
metamorphosis will not be incongruous: for 
they both bear the name of Peter. And be- 
cause, according to the Limosin proverb, to 
make an oven's mouth there must be three 
stones, you may associate them with master 
Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petri- 
fied for the same cause. Then those three 
dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral tri- 
gone, somewhere in the great temple at Paris; 
in the middle of the porch, if you will; there 
to perform the office of extinguishers, and 
with their noses put out the lighted candles, 
torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, while 
they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the 
fire of faction, division, ballock sects, and 
wrangling among those idle bearded boys, 
the students. And this will be an everlasting 
monument to show, that those puny self- 
conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were 
rather contemned than condemned by you. 
Dm, I have said my say. 

You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, 
for aught I see, Monsieur Priapus. You do not 
use to be so kind to every body, let me tell 
you; for as they seek to eternize their names, 
it would be much better for them to be thus 
changed into hard stones, than to return to 
earth and putrefaction. But now to other 
matters. Yonder behind us, towards the 



PROLOGUE 



237 



Tuscan sea, and the neighbourhood of Mount 
Apennine, do you see what tragedies are 
stirred up by certain topping ecclesiastical 
bullies? This hot fit will last its time, like the 
Limosins* ovens, and then will be cooled, but 
not so fast. 

We shall have sport enough with it; but I 
foresee one inconveniency: for mcthinks we 
have but little store of thunder ammunition, 
since the time that you, my fellow gods, for 
your pastime, lavished them away to bom- 
bard new Antioch, by my particular permis- 
sion; as since, after your example, the stout 
champions, who had undertaken to hold the 
fortress of Dindenarois against all comers, 
fairly wasted their powder with shooting at 
sparrows; and then, not having wherewith to 
defend themselves in time of need, valiantly 
surrendered to the enemy, who were already 
packing up their awls, full of madness and 
despair, and thought on nothing but a shame- 
ful retreat. Take care this be remedied, son 
Vulcan : rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes, As- 
teropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Ste- 
ropes, Pyracmon, and so forth; set them at 
work, and make them drink as they ought. 

Never spare liquor to such as are at hot 
work. Now let us dispatch this bawling fellow 
below. You Mercury, go see who it is, and 
know what he wants. Mercury looked out at 
heaven's trap-door, through which as I am 
told, they hear what is said here below. By 
the way, one might well enough mistake it for 
the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus 
said it was like the mouth of a well. The light- 
heeled deity saw that it was honest Tom, who 
asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he 
made his report to the synod. Marry, said Ju- 
piter, we are finely helped up, as if we had 
now nothing else to do here but to restore lost 
hatchets. Well, he must have it then for all 
this, for so it is written in the book of fate, 
(do you hear?) as well as if it was worth the 
whole duchy of Milan. The truth is, the fel- 
low's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom 
to a king. Come, come, let no more words be 
scattered about it, let him have his hatchet 
again. 

Now, let us make an end of the difference 
betwixt the levites and mole-catchers of Lan- 
derousse. Whereabouts were we? Priapus 
was standing in the chimney-corner, and hav- 
ing heard what Mercury had reported, said in 
a most courteous and jovial manner: King Ju- 
piter, while by your order and particular fa- 
vour, I was garden-keeper-general on earth, 



I observed that this word hatchet is equivocal 
to many things: for it signifies a certain in- 
strument, by the means of which men fell and 
cleave timber. It also signifies (at least I am 
sure it did formerly) a female soundly and 
frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddle- 
tobyetl. Thus I perceived that every cock of 
the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for 
with that same tool ( this he said lugging out 
and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they so 
strongly and resolutely shove and drive in 
their helves, that the females remain free 
from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, 
viz., that from the bottom of the male's belly 
the instrument should dangle at his heel for 
want of such feminine props. And I remem- 
ber, for I have a member, and a memory too, 
ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a 
( butter-firkin : ) I remember, I say, that one 
clay of tubilustre [horn-fair] at the festivals 
of good-man Vulcan in May, I heard Tosquin 
Des Prez, Olkegan, Hobrethe, Agricola, Bru- 
mel, Camelin, Vigoris, de la Fage, Bruyer, 
Prioris, Seguin, de la Rue, Midy, Moulu, 
Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, Compere, Penet, 
Fevin, Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Con- 
silion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan, me- 
lodiously singing the following catch on a 
pleasant green. 

Long John to bed went to his bride, 
And laid a mallet by his side: 
What means this mallet, John, saith she? 
Why! it is to wedge thee home, quoth he. 
Alas! cried she, the man's a fool: 
What need you use a wooden tool? 
When lusty John does to me come, 
He never shoves but with his bum. 

Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year 
after (I have a rare member, I would say 
memory; but I often make blunders in the 
symbolization and colligance of those two 
words) I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, 
Janequin, Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchi- 
court, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, Hes- 
din, Morales, .Passereau, Maille, Maillart, 
Jacotin, Heurteur, Vardelot, Carpentras, 
1'Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bou- 
teiller, Lupi, Pagnier, Millet, du Moulin, 
Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and other 
merry lovers of music, in a private garden, 
under some fine shady trees, round about a 
bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with 
several coated quails, and laced mutton, wag- 
gishly singing: 



238 



RABELAIS 



Since tools without their hafts are useless 
lumber, 

And hatchets without helves are of that num- 
ber; 

That one may go in t'other, and may match it, 

I'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet. 

Now would I know what kind of hatchet 
this bawling Tom wants? This threw all the 
venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of 
laughter, like any microcosm of flies; and 
even set limping Vulcan a hopping and jump- 
ing smoothly three or four times for the sake 
of his dear. Come, come, said Jupiter to Mer- 
cury, run down immediately and cast at the 
poor fellow's feet three hatchets; his own, an- 
other of gold, and a third of massy silver, all 
of one size: then having left it to his will to 
take his choice, if he take his own, and be sat- 
isfied with it, give him the other two: if he 
take another, chop his head off with his own: 
and henceforth serve me all those losers of 
hatchets after that manner. Having said this, 
Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, 
like a jackanapes swallowing of pills, made so 
dreadful a phiz, that all the vast Olympus 
quaked again. Heaven's foot messenger, 
thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed 
hat, his plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and 
running stick with pigeon wings, flings him- 
self out of heaven's wicket, through the emp- 
ty deserts of the air, and in a trice nimbly 
alights on the earth, and throws at friend 
Tom's feet the three hatchets, saying unto 
him; Thou hast bawled long enough to be 
a-dry: thy prayers and request are granted 
by Jupiter; see which of these three is thy 
hatchet, and take it away with thee. Well- 
hung lifts up the golden hatchet, peeps upon 
it, and finds it very heavy: then staring on 
Mercury, cries, Codszouks this is none of 
mine; I will not have it: the same he did with 
the silver one, and said, it is not this neither, 
you may even take them again. At last, he 
takes up his own hatchet, examines the end 
of the helve, and finds his mark there; then, 
ravished with joy, like a fox that meets some 
straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip 
of his nose, he cried, By the mass, this is my 
hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, I 
will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot 
of milk, brim full, covered with fine straw- 
berries, next ides, i.e. the 15th of May. 

Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it 
thee; take it; and because thou hast wished 
and chosen moderately, in point of hatchet, 



by Jupiter's command, I give thee those two 
others; thou hast now wherewith to make 
thyself rich: be honest. Honest Tom gave 
Mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and re- 
vered the most great Jupiter. His old hatchet 
he fastens close to his leathern girdle, and 
girds it above his breech like Martin of Cam- 
bray: the two others, being more heavy, he 
lays on his shoulder. Thus he plods on, trudg- 
ing over the fields, keeping a good counte- 
nance amongst his neighbours and fellow- 
parishioners, with one merry saying or other 
after Patelin's way. The next day, having put 
on a clean white jacket, he takes on his back 
the two precious hatchets, and comes to Chi- 
non, the famous city, noble city, ancient city, 
yea the first city in the world, according to the 
judgment and assertion of the most learned 
Massorets. At Chinon he turned his silver 
hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and 
other white cash; his golden hatchet into fine 
angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders, 
spankers, and rose nobles: then with them 
purchases a good number of farms, barns, 
houses, out-houses, thatched-houses, stables, 
meadows, orchards, fields, vineyards, woods, 
arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, 
nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, 
hogs, asses, horses, hens, cocks, capons, chick- 
ens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a 
world of all other necessaries, and in a short 
time became the richest man in the country, 
nay even richer than that limping scrape- 
good Maulevrier. His brother bumpkins, and 
the other yeomen and country-puts there- 
abouts, perceiving his good fortune, were not 
a little amazed, insomuch that their former 
pity of Tom was soon changed into an envy 
of his so great and unexpected rise; and as 
they could not for their souls devise how this 
came about, they made it their business to 
pry up and down, and lay their heads togeth- 
er, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by 
what means, in what place, on what day, 
what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had 
come by his great treasure. 

At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, 
Ha, ha! said they, was there no more to do 
but to lose a hatchet to make us rich? Mum 
for that; it is as easy as pissing a bed, and will 
cost but little. Are then at this time the revo- 
lutions of the heavens, the constellations of 
the firmament and aspects of the planets such, 
that whosoever shall lose a hatchet, shall im- 
mediately grow rich? Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, 
you shall even be lost, and it please you, my 



PROLOGUE 



239 



dear hatchet. With this they all fairly lost 
their hatchets out of hand. The devil of one 
that had a hatchet left: he was not his moth- 
er's son, that did not lose his hatchet. No more 
was wood felled or cleaved in that country, 
through want of hatchets. Nay, the ^sopian 
apologue even saith, that certain petty coun- 
try gents, of the lower class, who had sold 
Wellhung their little mill and little field, to 
have wherewithal to make a figure at the next 
muster, having been told that his treasure 
was come to him by this only means, sold the 
only badge of their gentility, their swords, to 
purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly 
clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink 
by that loss. 

You should have truly sworn they had 
been a parcel of your potty spiritual usurers, 
Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing 
of others to buy store of mandates, a penny- 
worth of a new-made pope. 

Now they cried out and brayed, and 
prayed and bawled, and invoked Jupiter: My 
hatchet! my hatchet! Jupiter, my hatchet! on 
this side, my hatchet! on that side, my hatch- 
et! ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, my hatchet! The 
air round about rung again with the cries and 
bowlings of these rascally losers of hatchets. 

Mercury was nimble in bringing them 
hatchets; to each offering that which he had 
lost, as also another of gold, and a third of 
silver. 

Every he still was for that of gold, giving 
thanks in abundance to the great giver, Jupi- 
ter; but in the very nick of time, that they 
bowed and stooped to take it from the 
ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped off 
their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and 
of heads, thus cut off, the number was just 
equal to that of the lost hatchets. 

You see how it is now; you see how it goes 
with those, who in the simplicity of their 
hearts wish and desire with moderation. Take 
warning by this, all you greedy, fresh-water 
shirks, who scorn to wish for anything under 
ten thousand pounds: and do not for the fu- 
ture run on impudently, as I have sometimes 
heard you wishing, Would to God, I had now 
one hundred seventy-eight millions of gold! 
Oh! how I should tickle it off. The deuce on 
you, what more might a king, an emperor, a 
pope wish for? For that reason, indeed, you 
see that after you have made such hopeful 
wishes, all the good that comes to you of it is 
the itch or the scab, and not a cross in your 
breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to 



make these wishes: no more than those two 
mumpers, wishers after the custom of Paris; 
one of whom only wished to have in good old 
gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and 
sold in Paris, since its first foundations were 
laid, to this hour; all of it valued at the price, 
sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that 
space of time. Do you think the fellow was 
bashful? Had he eaten sour plums unpeeled? 
Were his teeth on edge, I pray you? The oth- 
er wished our lady's church brim-full of steel 
needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, 
and to have as many ducats as might be 
crammed into as many bags as might be 
sewed with each and every one of these nee- 
dles, till they were all either broke at the 
point or eye. This is to wish with a vengeance! 
What think you of it? What did they get by 
it, in your opinion? Why at night both my 
gentlemen had kibed-heels, a tetter in the 
chin, a church-yard cough in the lungs, a ca- 
tarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the 
rump, and the devil of one musty crust of a 
brown George the poor dogs had to scour 
their grinders with. Wish therefore for medi- 
ocrity, and it shall be given unto you, and 
over and above yet; that is to say, provided 
you bestir yourself manfully, and do your 
best in the meantime. 

Ay, but say you, God might as soon have 
given me seventy-eight thousand as the thir- 
teenth part of one half: for he is omnipotent, 
and a million of gold is no more to him than 
one farthing. Oh, oh! pray tell me who taught 
you to talk at this rate of the power and pre- 
destination of God, poor silly people? Peace, 
tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face, 
and own the nothingness of your nothing. 

Upon this, O ye that labour under the af- 
fliction of the gout, I ground my hopes; firm- 
ly believing, that if it so pleases the divine 
goodness, you shall obtain health, since you 
wish and ask for nothing else, at least for the 
present. Well, stay yet a little longer with 
half an ounce of patience. 

The Genose do not use, like you, to be sat- 
isfied with wishing health alone, when after 
they have all the live-long morning been in a 
brown study, talked, pondered, ruminated, 
and resolved in the counting-house, of whom 
and how they may squeeze the ready, and 
who by their craft must be hooked in, whee- 
dled, bubbled, sharped, over-reached, and 
choused; they go to the exchange, and greet 
one another with a Sanitd et gtiadagno mes- 
ser; health and gain to you, sir. Health alone 



240 



RABELAIS 



will not go down with the greedy curmud- 
geons: they over and above must wish for 
gain, with a pox to them; ay, and for the fine 
crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne: whence, 
heaven be praised, it happens many a time, 
that the silly wishers and woulders are 
baulked, and get neither. 

Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, 
cough once aloud with lungs of leather; take 
me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up 
your ears; and you shall hear me tell wonders 
of the noble and good Pantagruel. 



CHAPTER 1 

How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the ora- 
cle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle 

IN the month of June on Vesta's Holiday, the 
very numerical day on which Brutus, con- 
quering Spain, taught its strutting dons to 
truckle under him, and that niggardly miser 
Crassus was routed and knocked on the head 
by the Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of 
the good Gargantua, his royal father. The old 
gentleman, according to the laudable custom 
of the primitive Christians, devoutly prayed 
for the happy voyage of his son and his whole 
company, and then they took shipping at the 
port of Thalassa. Pantagruel had with him 
Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of 
the Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Euthenes, 
Rhizotomus, Carpalim, cum rnullis aliis, 2 his 
ancient servants and domestics: also Xeno- 
manes, the great traveller, who had crossed 
so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, 
and so forth, and was come some time before, 
having been sent for by Panurge. 

For certain good causes and considerations 
him thereunto moving, he had left with Gar- 
gantua, and marked out, in his great and uni- 
versal hydrographical chart, the course which 
they were to steer to visit the Oracle of the 
Holy Bottle Bacbuc. The number of ships 
were such as I described in the third book, 
convoyed by a like number of triremes, men 
of war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, 
caulked, and stored with a good quantity of 
Pantagruelion. 

All the officers, dragomen, (interpreters,) 
pilots, captains, mates, boatswains, midship- 
men, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the 
Thalamege, Pantagruel's principle flag-ship, 
which had in her stern, for her ensign, a huge 
large bottle, half silver, well polished, the 
other half gold, enamelled with carnation; 



whereby it was easy to guess that white 
and red were the colours of the noble travel- 
lers, and that they went for the word of the 
Bottle. 

On the stern of the second was a lantern, 
like those of the ancients, industriously made 
with diaphanous stone, implying that they 
were to pass by Lanternland. The third ship 
had for her device a fine deep China ewer. 
The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, 
much like an ancient urn. The fifth, a famous 
can made of sperm of emerald. The sixth, a 
monk's mumping bottle made of the four 
metals together. The seventh, an ebony fun- 
nel, all embossed and wrought with gold after 
the tauchic manner. The eighth, an ivy gob- 
let, very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth 
a cup of fine obriz gold. The tenth, a tumbler 
of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignum aloes) 
edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine 
make. The eleventh, a golden vine-tub of mo- 
saic work. The twelfth, a runlet of unpol- 
ished gold, covered with a small vine of large 
Indian pearl of topiarian work. Insomuch that 
there was not a man, however in the dumps, 
rnusty, sourlooked, or melancholic he were, 
not even excepting that blubbering whiner 
Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this 
noble convoy of ships and their devices, must 
have been seized with present gladness of 
heart, and smiling at the conceit, have said, 
that the travellers were all honest topers, 
true-pitcher men; and have judged by a most 
sure prognostication, that their voyage both 
outward and homeward-bound, would be 
performed in mirth and perfect health. 

In the Thalamege, where was the general 
meeting, Pantagruel made a short but sweet 
exhortation, wholly backed with authorities 
from Scripture upon navigation; which being 
ended, with an audible voice prayers were 
said in the presence and hearing of all the 
burghers of Thalassa, who had flocked to the 
mole to see them take shipping. After the 
prayers, was melodiously sung a psalm of the 
holy King David, which begins, When Israel 
went out of Egypt; and that being ended, 
tables were placed upon deck, and a feast 
speedily served up. The Thalassians, who had 
also borne a chorus in the psalm, caused store 
of bellytimber and vinegar to be brought out 
of their houses. All drank to them: they drank 
to all: which was the cause that none of the 
whole company gave up what they had eat- 
en, nor were sea-sick, with a pain at the head 
and stomach; which inconveniency they 



PANTAGRUEL 



241 



could not so easily have prevented by drink- 
ing, for some time before, salt water, either 
alone or mixed with wine; using quinces, cit- 
ron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourish 
sweet-meats, fasting a long time, covering 
their stomachs with paper, or following such 
other idle remedies, as foolish physicians pre- 
scribe to those that go to sea. 

Having often renewed their tipplings, each 
mother's son retired on board his own ship, 
and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at 
south east; to which point of the compass the 
chief pilot, James Brayer by name, had 
shaped his course, and fixed all things accord- 
ingly. For seeing that the Oracle of the Holy 
Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, 
his advice, and that of Xenomanes also, was 
not to steer the course which the Portuguese 
use, while sailing through the torrid zone, 
and Cape Bona Speranza, at the south point 
of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and 
losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, 
they make a prodigious long voyage; but 
rather to keep as near the parallel of the said 
India as possible, and to tack to the westward 
of the said pole, so that winding under the 
north, they might find themselves in the lati- 
tude of the port of Olone, without coining 
nearer it for fear of being shut up in the froz- 
en sea; whereas, following this canonical 
turn, by the said parallel, they must have 
that on the right to the eastward, which at 
their departure was on their left. 

This proved a much shorter cut; for with- 
out shipwreck, danger or loss of men, with 
uninterrupted good weather, except one day 
near the island of the Macreons, they per- 
formed in less than four months the voyage of 
Upper India, which the Portuguese, with a 
thousand inconveniences and innumerable 
clangers, can hardly complete in three years. 
And it is my opinion, with submission to bet- 
ter judgments, that this course was perhaps 
steered by those Indians who sailed to Ger- 
many, and were honourably received by the 
King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus 
Celer was proconsul of the Gauls; as Corne- 
lius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after 
them tell us. 

CHAPTER 2 

How Pantagrucl bought many rarities in the 
island of Medamothy 

THAT day and the two following they neither 
discovered land nor anything new; for they 



had formerly sailed that way: but on the 
fourth they made an island called Medamo- 
thy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by rea- 
son of the vast number of lighthouses, and 
high marble towers in its circuit, which is not 
less than that of Candia. Pantagruel, inquir- 
ing who governed there, heard that it was 
King Philophanes, absent at that time upon 
account of the marriage of his brother Philo- 
theamon with the infanta of the kingdom of 
Engys. 

Hearing this, he went ashore in the har- 
bour, and while every ship's crew watered, 
passed his time in viewing divers pictures, 
pieces of tapestry, animals, fishes, birds, and 
other exotic and foreign merchandises, which 
were along the walks of the mole, and in the 
markets of the port. For it was the third day 
of the great and famous fair of the place, to 
which the chief merchants of Africa and Asia 
resorted. Out of these Friar John bought him 
two rare pictures; in one of which, the face of 
a man that brings in an appeal (or that calls 
out to another) was drawn to the life; and in 
the other a servant that wants a master, with 
every needful particular, action, countenance, 
look, gait, feature, and deportment, being an 
original, by Master Charles Charrnois, princi- 
pal painter to King Megistus; and he paid for 
them in the court fashion, with conge and 
grimace. Panurge bought a large picture, 
copied and done from the needle-work for- 
merly wrought by Philomela, showing to her 
sister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus 
had by force hand-selled her copyhold, and 
then cut out her tongue, that she might not 
(as women will) tell tales. I vow and swear 
by the handle of my paper lantern, that it was 
a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable 
piece. 

Nor do you think, I pray you, that in it 
was the picture of a man playing the beast 
with two backs with a female; this had been 
too silly and gross: no, no; it was another- 
guise thing, and much plainer. You may, if 
you please, see it at Theleme, on the left 
hand, as you go into the high gallery. Episte- 
mon bought another, wherein were painted 
to the life, the Ideas of Plato, and the Atoms 
of Epicurus. Rhizotomus purchased another, 
wherein Echo was drawn to the life. Pantag- 
ruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the 
life and deeds of Achilles, in seventy-eight 
pieces of tapestry, four fathoms long, and 
three fathoms broad, all of Phrygian silk, em- 
bossed with gold and silver; the work begin- 



242 



RABELAIS 



ning of the nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, con- 
tinuing to the birth of Achilles: his youth, de- 
scribed by Statins Papinius; his warlike 
achievements, celebrated by Homer; his 
death and obsequies, written by Ovid and 
Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appear- 
ance of his ghost, and Polyxena's sacrifice, re- 
hearsed by Euripides. 

He also caused to be bought three fine 
young unicorns; one of them a male of a ches- 
iiu t colour, and two grey dappled females; 
also a tarand, whom he bought of a Scythian 
of the Gelone's country. 

A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, 
having a head like a stag, or a little bigger, 
two stately horns with large branches, cloven 
feet, hair long like that of a furred Muscovite, 
I mean a bear, and a skin almost as hard as 
steel armour. The Scythian said that there are 
but few tarands to be found in Scythia, be- 
cause it varieth its colour according to the di- 
versity of the places where it grazes and 
abides, and represents the colour of the grass, 
plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, 
and generally of all things near which it 
comes. It hath this common with the sea- 
pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the 
wolves of India, and with the chameleon; 
which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful, that 
Democritus hath written a whole book of its 
figure, and anatomy, as also of its virtue and 
property in magic. This 1 can affirm, that I 
have seen it change its colour, riot only at the 
approach of things that have a colour, but by 
its own voluntary impulse, according to its 
fear or other affections: as for example, upon 
a green carpet, I have certainly seen it be- 
come green; but having remained there some 
time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and pur- 
ple, in course, in the same manner as you see 
a turkey-cock's comb change colour accord- 
ing to its passions. But what we find most sur- 
prising in this tarand is, that not only its face 
and skin, but also its hair could take what- 
ever colour was about it. Near Panurge with 
his kersey coat, its hair used to turn gray: 
near Pantagruel with his scarlet mantle, 
its hair and skin grew red; near the pilot, 
dressed after the fashion of the Isiaci of 
Anubis, in Egypt, its hair seemed all white; 
which two last colours the chameleon cannot 
borrow. 

When the creature was free from any 
fear or affection, the colour of its hair was 
just such as you see that of the asses of 
Meung. 



CHAPTER 3 



How Pantagruel received a letter from Jiis fa- 
tlier Gargantua, and of the strange way to 
have speedy news from far distant places 

WHILE Pantagruel was taken up with the pur- 
chase of these foreign animals, the noise of 
ten guns and culverins, together with a loud 
and joyful cheer of all the fleet, was heard 
from the mole. Pantagruel looked towards the 
haven, and perceived that this was occa- 
sioned by the arrival of one of his father Gar- 
gantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the 
CJielidonia; because on the stern of it was 
carved in Corinthian brass, a sea swallow; 
which is a fish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, 
all flesh, without scale, with cartilaginous 
wings, (like a bat's,) very long and broad, by 
the means of which, I have seen them fly a 
fathom above water, about a bow-shot. At 
Marseilles this flying fish is called lendole. 
And indeed that ship was as light as a swal- 
low; so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea 
than to sail. Malicorne, Gargantua's esquire 
carver, was come in her, being sent expressly 
by his master to have an account of his son's 
health and circumstances, and to bring him 
credentials. When Malicorne had saluted 
Panlagrucl, and the prince had embraced 
him about the neck, and showed him a little 
of the cap-courtesy, before he opened the let- 
ters, the first thing he said to him was, Have 
you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger? 
Yes, sir, said he, here it is swaddled up in this 
basket. It was a grey pigeon, taken out of 
Gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones 
were just hatched when the advice-boat was 
going off. 

If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, 
he would have fastened some black riband to 
his feet; but because all things had succeeded 
happily hitherto, having, caused it to be un- 
dressed, he tied to its feet a white riband, 
and, without any further delay, let it loose. 
The pigeon presently flew away, cutting the 
air with an incredible speed; as you know 
that there is no flight like a pigeon's, especial- 
ly when it hath eggs or young ones, through 
the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it 
to relieve and be with its young; insomuch, 
that in less than two hours it compassed in 
the air the long tract which the advice-boat, 
with all her diligence, with oars and sails, and 
a fair wind, could not go through in less than 
three days and three nights, and was seen as 
it was going into the dove-house to its nest. 



PANTAGRUEL 



243 



Whereupon the worthy Gargantua, hearing 
that it had the white riband on. was joyful 
and secure of his son's welfare. This was the 
custom of the noble Gargantua and Pantag- 
ruel, when they would have speedy news of 
something of great concern; as the event of 
some battle, either by sea or land; the sur- 
rendering or holding out of some strong 
place; the determination of some difference 
of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of 
some queen or great lady; the death or recov- 
eiy of their sick friends or allies, and so forth. 
They used to take the gozal, and had it car- 
ried from one to another by the post, to the 
places whence they desired to have news. 
The gozal, bearing either a black or white 
riband, according to the occurrences and ac- 
cidents, used to remove their doubts at its re- 
turn, making, in the space of one hour, more 
way through the air, than thirty post-boys 
could have done in one natural day. May not 
this be said to redeem and gain time with a 
vengeance, think you? For the like service, 
therefore, you may believe, as a most true 
thing, that, in the dove-houses of their farms, 
there were to be found, all the year long, 
store of pigeons hatching eggs, or rearing 
their young. Which may be easily done in 
aviaries and voleries, by the help of saltpetre 
and the sacred herb vervain. 

The gozal being let fly, Pantagrurl perused 
his father Gargantua's letter, the contents of 
which were as followeth: 

MY DEAREST SON, The affection that nat- 
urally a father bears to a beloved son, is so 
much increased in me, by reflecting on the 
particular gifts which by the divine goodness 
have been heaped on thee, that since thy de- 
parture it hath often banished all other 
thoughts out of my mind; leaving my heart 
wholly possessed with fear, lest some misfor- 
tune has attended thy voyage: for thou know- 
est that fear was ever the attendant of true 
and sincere love. Now because, as Hesiod 
sayeth, A good beginning of any thing is the 
half of it; or, Well begun is half clone, accord- 
ing to the old saying; to free my mind from 
this anxiety, I have expressly dispatched Mal- 
icorne, that he may give me a true account of 
thy health at the beginning of thy voyage. 
For if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall 
easily foresee the rest. 

I have met with some diverting books, 
which the bearer will deliver thee; thou may- 
est read them when thou wantest to unbend 



and ease thy mind from thy better studies. He 
will also give thee at large the news at court. 
The peace of the Lord be with thee. Remem- 
ber me to Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon, 
Xenomanes, Gymnast, and the other princi- 
pal domestics, my good friends. Dated at our 
paternal seat, this loth day of June. 

Thy father and friend, GARGANTUA. 

CHAPTER 4 

How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, 
and sent him several curiosities 

PANTAGRUEL, having perused the letter, had 
a long conference with the esquire Malicorne; 
insomuch, that Panurge at last interrupting 
them, asked him, Pray, sir, when do you de- 
sign to drink? when shall we drink? When 
shall the worshipful esquire drink? What a 
devil! have you not talked long enough to 
drink? It is a good motion, answered Pantag- 
ruel; go, get us something ready at the next 
inn; I think it is the Satyr on horseback. In 
the meantime he writ to Gargantua as follow- 
eth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire. 

MOST GRACIOUS FATHER, As our senses and 
animal faculties are more discomposed at the 
news of events unexpected, though desired 
(even to an immediate dissolution of the soul 
from ihe body), than if those accidents had 
been foreseen; so the coming of Malicorne 
hath much surprised and disordered me. For 
I had no hopes to see any of your servants, or 
to hear from you, before I had finished our 
voyage; and contented myself with the dear 
lemembrance of youi august majesty, deeply 
impressed in the hindmost ventricle of my 
brain, often representing you to my mind. 

But since you have made me happy be- 
yond expectation, by the perusal of your gra- 
cious letter, and the faith I have in your es- 
quire hath revived my spirits by the news of 
your welfare; I am, as it were, compelled to 
do what formerly I did freely, that is, first to 
praise the Blessed Redeemer, who by his di- 
vine goodness preserves you in this long en- 
joyment of perfect health; then to return you 
eternal thanks for the fervant affection which 
you have for me your most humble son and 
unprofitable servant. 

Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to 
Augustus, who had received his father into 
favour, and pardoned him after he had sided 
with Anthony, that by that action the emper- 



244 



RABELAIS 



or had reduced him to this extremity, that for 
want of power to be grateful, both while he 
lived and after it, he should be obliged to be 
taxed with ingratitude. So I may say, that the 
excess of your fatherly affection drives me in- 
to such a straight, that I should be forced to 
live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be 
redressed by the sentence of the stoics, who 
say, that there are three parts in a benefit, the 
one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the 
third of the remunerator; and that the re- 
ceiver rewards the giver, when he freely re- 
cicves the benefit, and always remembers it; as 
on the contrary, that man is most ungrateful 
who despises and forgets a benefit. Therefore, 
being overwhelmed with infinite favours, all 
proceeding from your extreme goodness, and 
on the other side wholly incapable of making 
the smallest return, I hope, at least, to free 
myself from the imputation of ingratitude, 
since they can never be blotted out of my 
mind; and my tongue shall never cease to 
own, that, to thank you as I ought, transcends 
my capacity. 

As for us, I have this assurance in the 
Lord's mercy and help, that the end of our 
voyage will be answerable to its beginning, 
and so it will be entirely performed in health 
and mirth. I will not fail to set down in a jour- 
nal a full account of our navigation, that, at 
our return, you may have an exact relation of 
the whole. 

I have found here a Scythian tarand, an 
animal strange and wonderful for the varia- 
tions of colour on its skin and hair, according 
to the distinction of neighbouring things : it is 
as tractable and easily kept as a lamb; be 
pleased to accept of it. 

I also send you three young unicorns, 
which are the tamest of creatures. 

I have conferred with the esquire, and 
taught him how they must be fed. These can- 
not graze on the ground, by reason of the long 
horn on their forehead, but are forced to 
browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, or 
to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, ap- 
ples, pears, barley, rye, and other fruits and 
roots, being placed before them. 

I am amazed that ancient writers should 
report them to be so wild, furious, and dan- 
gerous, and never seen alive: far from it, you 
will find that they are the mildest things in 
the world, provided they are not maliciously 
offended. Likewise I send you the life and 
deeds of Achilles, in curious tapestry; assur- 
ing you whatever rarities of animals, plants, 



birds, or precious stones, and others, I shall 
be able to find and purchase in our travels, 
shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I 
beseech, by his blessed grace, to preserve you. 

From Meclamothy, this 15th of June. Pan- 
urge, Friar John, Epistemon, Xenomanes, 
Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotomus, and 
Carpalim, having most humbly kissed your 
hand, return your salute a thousand times. 

Your most dutiful son and servant, 
PANTAGRUKI,. 

While Pantagruel was writing this letter, 
Malicorne was made welcome with a thou- 
sand goodly good-morrows and howd^ye's: 
they clung about him so, that I cannot tell 
you how much they made of him, how many 
humble services, how many from my love and 
to my love were sent with him. Pantagruel, 
having writ his letters, sat down at table with 
him, and afterwards presented him with a 
large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred 
crowns; between whose septenary links, some 
large diamonds, rubies, emeralds, turquoise 
stones, and unions were alternately set in. To 
each of his bark's crew, he ordered to be giv- 
en five hundred crowns. To Gargantua, his 
father, he sent the tarand covered with a 
cloth of satin, brocaded with gold: and the 
tapestry containing the life and deeds of 
Achilles, with the three unicorns in frizecl 
cloth of gold trappings: and so they left Med- 
amothy; Malicorne, to return to Gargantua; 
and Pantagruel, to proceed in his voyage: 
during which, Epistemon read to him the 
books which the esquire had brought; and be- 
cause he found them jovial and pleasant, I 
shall give you an account of them, if you ear- 
nestly desire it. 

CHAPTER 5 

How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers 
returning from Lanternland 

ON the fifth clay, beginning already to wind 
by little and little about the pole, going still 
farther from the equinoctial line, we discov- 
ered a merchant-man to the windward of us. 
The joy for this was not small on both sides; 
we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those 
in the merchantman from land. So we bore 
upon them, and coming up with them we 
hailed them: and finding them to be French- 
men of Xaintonge, backed our sails and lay 



PANTAGRUEL 



245 



by to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they 
came from Lanternland; which added to his 
joy, and that of the whole fleet. We inquired 
about the state of that country, and the way 
of living of the Lanterns : and were told, that 
about the latter end of the following July, 
was the time prefixed for the meeting of the 
general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if 
we arrived there at that time, as we might 
easily, we should see a handsome, honour- 
able, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that 
great preparations were making, as if they in- 
tended to lanternise there to the purpose. We 
were told also, that if we touched at the great 
kingdom of Gebarim, we should be honour- 
ably received and treated by the sovereign of 
that country, King Ohabe, who, as well as all 
his subjects, speaks Touraine French. 

While we were listening to this news, Pan- 
urge fell out with one Dingdong, a drover or 
sheep merchant of Taillebourg. The occasion 
of the fray was thus. 

This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge with- 
out a codpiece, with his spectacles fastened 
to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Pii- 
thee, look, is there not a fine medal of a cuck- 
old? Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as 
you may well think, heard more plainly by 
half with his ears than usually; which caused 
him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer 
in mutton, in a kind of a pet: 

How the devil should I be one of the horni- 
fiecl fraternity, since I am not yet a brother of 
the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by 
thy ill-favoured phiz? 

Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am mar- 
ried, and would not be otherwise for all the 
pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all 
the magnifying gim-cracks in Africa; for I 
have got me the cleverest, prettiest, hand- 
somest, properest, neatest, tightest, honcst- 
est, and soberest piece of woman's flesh for 
my wife, that is in all the whole country of 
Xaintonge; I will say that for her, and a fart 
for all the rest. I bring her home a fine elev- 
en-inch-long branch of red coral for her 
Christmas-box. What hast thou to do with it? 
what is that to thee? who art thou? whence 
comest thou, O dark lanthorn of antichrist. 
Answer, if thou art of God. I ask thee, by the 
way of question, said Panurge to him very 
seriously, if with the consent and counte- 
nance of all the elements, I had gingumbob'd, 
codpieced, and thumpthumpriggledtickled- 
twiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so hand- 
some, so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, 



and so sober female importance, insomuch 
that the stiff deity that has no forecast, Pria- 
pus, (who dwells here at liberty, all subjec- 
tion of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and 
locks, abdicated,) remained sticking in her 
natural Christmas-box in such a lamentable 
manner, that it were never to come out, but 
eternally should stick there, unless thou didst 
pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thou 
do? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, 
or wouldst t,hou pluck it out with thy grind- 
ers? Answer me, O thou ram of Mahomet, 
since thou art one of the devil's gang. I would, 
replied the shccpmongcr, take thee such a 
woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of 
thine, with my trusty bilbo, as would smite 
thee dead as a hcriing. Thus, having taken 
pepper in the nose, he was lugging out his 
sword, but alas! cursed cows have short horns; 
it stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at 
sea, cold iron will easily take rust, by reason 
of the excessive and nitrous moisture. Pan- 
urge, so \smitten with terror, that his heart 
sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to Pan- 
tagruel for help: but Friar John laid hand on 
his flashing scymitar that was new ground, 
and would certainly have dispatched Ding- 
dong to rights, had not the skipper, and some 
of his passengers, beseechcd Pantagruel not 
to suffer such an outiage to be committed on 
board his ship. So the matter was made up, 
and Panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, 
and drank in course to one another, in token 
of a perfect reconciliation. 

CHAPTER 6 

How the fray being over, Panurge cheapened 
one of Dingdongx slwap 

Tins quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped 
the wink upon Episternon and Friar John, 
and taking them aside, Stand at some dis- 
tance out of the way, said he, and take your 
share of the following scene of mirth: you 
shall have rare sport anon, if my cake be not 
dough, and my plot do but take. Then ad- 
dressing himself to the drover, he took off to 
him a bumper of good lantern wine. The 
other pledged him briskly and courteously. 
This done, Panurge earnestly entreated him 
to sell him one of his sheep. 

But the other answered him, Is it come to 
that, friend and neighbour? Would you put 
tricks upon travellers? Alas, how finely you 
love to play upon poor folk! Nay, you seem a 
rare chapman, that is the truth on it. Oh, 



246 



RABELAIS 



what a mighty sheep merchant you are! In 
good faith, you look liker one of the diving 
trade, than a buyer of sheep. Adzookers, what 
a blessing it would be to have one's purse, 
well lined with chink, near your worship at a 
tripe-house, when it begins to thaw! Humph, 
humph, did not we know you well, you 
might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but 
see, good people, what a mighty conjuror the 
fellow would be reckoned. Patience, said 
Panurge: but waving that, be so kind as to 
sell me one of your sheep. Come, how much? 
What do you mean, master of mine? an- 
swered the other. They are long-woolled 
sheep: from these did Jason take his golden 
fleece. The order of the house of Burgundy 
was drawn from them. Zwoons, man, they are 
oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, 
sheep of quality. Be it so, said Panurge: but 
sell me one of them, I beseech you, and that 
for a cause, paying you ready money upon 
the nail, in good and lawful occidental cur- 
rent cash. Wilt say how much? Frierld, neigh- 
bour, answered the seller of mutton, hark ye 
me a little, on the ear. 

Panurge. On which side you please; I hear 
you. 

Dingdong. You are going to Lantern-land, 
they say. 

Pan. Yea, verily. 

Ding. To see fashions? 

Pan. Yea, verily. 

Ding. And be merry? 

Pan. Yea, verily. 

Ding. Your name is, as I take it, Robin 
Mutton? 

Pan. As you please for that, sweet sir. 

Ding. Nay, without offence. 

Pan. So I understand it. 

Ding. You are, as I take it, the king's jester; 
are not you? 

Pan. Yea, verily. 

Ding. Give me your hand humph, humph, 
you go to see fashions, you are the king's jes- 
ter, your name is Robin Mutton! Do you see 
this same ram? His name, too, is Robin. Here 
Robin, Robin, Robin! Baea, baea, baea. Hath 
he not a rare voice? 

Pan. Ay, marry has he, a very fine and har- 
monious voice. 

Ding. Well, this bargain shall be made be- 
tween you and me, friend and neighbour; we 
will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mut- 
ton shall be put into one of them, and Tup 
Robin into the other. Now I will hold you a 
peck of Busch oysters, that in weight, value, 



and price, he shall outdo you, and you shall 
be found light in the very numerical manner, 
as when you shall be hanged and suspended. 
Patience, said Panurge: but you would do 
much for me, and your whole posterity, if you 
would chaffer with me for him, or some other 
of his inferiors. I beg it of you; good your 
worship, be so kind. Hark ye, friend of mine, 
answered the other, with the fleece of these, 
your fine Rouen cloth is to be made; your 
Leominster superfine wool is mine arse to it; 
mere flock in comparison. Of their skins the 
best cordovan will be made, which shall be 
sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for 
Spanish leather at least. Of the guts shall be 
made fiddle and harp strings, that will sell as 
dear as if they came from Munican or Aqui- 
leia. What do you think of it, hah? If you 
please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, 
and I will be yours for ever. Look, here is 
ready cash. What's the price? This he said, 
exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Hen- 
ricuses. 

CHAPTER 7 

Which if you read, you will find how Pan- 
urge bargained with Dingdong 

NEIGHBOUR, my friend, answered Dingdong, 
they are meat for none but kings and piinces: 
their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so 
dainty, that one would swear it melted in the 
mouth. I bring them out of a country where 
the very hogs, God be with us, live on noth- 
ing but myrobalans. The sows in the styes, 
when they lie-in (saving the honour of this 
good company) are fed only with orange- 
flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a bargain 
with me for one of them, and I will pay you 
for it like a king, upon the honest word of a 
true Trojan: come, come, what do you ask? 
Not so fast, Robin, answered the trader, these 
sheep are lineally descended from the very 
family of the ram that wafted Phryxus and 
Helle over the sea, since called the Helles- 
pont. A pox on it, said Panurge, you are cleri- 
cus vel addisceml* It(Y is a cabbage, and 
vere r a leek, answered the merchant. But rr, 
rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrr, rrrr, you do 
not understand that gibberish do you? Now I 
think of it, over all the fields, where they piss, 
corn grows as fast as if the Lord had pissed 
there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged. 
Besides, man, your chemists extract the best 
saltpetre in the world out of their urine. Nay, 
with their very clung (with reverence be it 



PANTAGRUEL 



247 



spoken ) the doctors in our country make pills 
that cure seventy-eight kinds of diseases, the 
least of which is the evil of St. Eutropius of 
Xaintcs, from which, good Lord deliver us! 
Now what do you think on't, neighbour, my 
friend? The truth is, they cost me money, that 
they do. Cost what they will, cried Panurge, 
trade with me for one of them, paying you 
well. Our friend, quoth the quack-like sheep 
man, do but mind the wonders of nature that 
are found in those animals, even in a member 
which one would think were of no use. Take 
me but these horns, and bray them a little 
with an iron pestle, or with an andiron, which 
you please, it is all one of me; then bury them 
wherever you will, provided, it be where the 
sun may shine, and water them frequently; 
in a few months I will engage you will have 
the best asparagus in the world not even ex- 
cepting those of Ravenna. Now, come and 
tell me whether the horns of you other 
knights of the bull's feather have such a vir- 
tue and wonderful propriety? 

Patience, said Panurge. I do not know 
whether you be a scholar or no, pursued 
Dingdong: I have seen a world of scholars, I 
say great scholars, that were cuckolds, I'll as- 
sure you. But hark you me, if you were a 
scholar, you should know that in the most in- 
ferior members of those animals which are 
the feet there is a bone which is the heel 
the astragalus, if you will have it so, where- 
with, and with that of no other creature 
breathing, except the Indian ass, and the dor- 
cades of Libya, they used in old times to play 
at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus 
the emperor won above fifty thousand crowns 
one evening. Now such cuckolds as you will 
be hanged ere you get half so much at it. Pa- 
tience, said Panurge; but let us dispatch. And 
when, my friend and neighbour, continued 
the canting sheep-seller, shall I have duly 
praised the inward members, the shoulders, 
the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, 
the liver, the spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, 
the bladder, wherewith they make footballs; 
the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make 
little cross-bows, to pelt the cranes with cher- 
ry-stones; the head, which with a little brim- 
stone serves to make a miraculous decoction 
to loosen and ease the belly of costive dogs? 
A turd on it, said the skipper to his preaching 
passenger, what a fiddle-faddle have we 
here? There is too long a lecture by half: sell 
him if thou wilt; if thou wilt not, do not let 
the man lose more time. I hate a gibble-gab- 



ble, and a rimble-ramble talk. I am for a man 
of brevity. I will, for your sake, replied the 
holder forth; but then he shall give me three 
livres, French money, for each pick and choose. 
It is a woundy price, cried Panurge; in our 
country, I could have five, nay six, for the 
money : see that you do not overreach me, mas- 
ter. You are not the first man whom I have 
known to have fallen, even sometimes to the 
endangering, if not breaking, of his own neck, 
for endeavouring to rise all at once. A murrain 
seize thce for a block-headed booby, cried the 
angry seller of sheep; by the worthy vow of 
our lady of Charroux, the worst in this flock is 
four times better than those which in days of 
yore the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of 
Spain, used to sell for a gold talent each; and 
how much dost thou think, thou Hibernian 
fool, that a talent of gold was worth? Sweet 
sir, you fall into a passion, I see, returned 
Panurge: well hold, here is your money. Pan- 
urge, having paid his money, chose him out 
of all the flock a fine topping ram; and as he 
was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, 
all the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, 
stared to see whither their brother ram should 
be carried. In the meanwhile the drover was 
saying to his shepherds: Ah! how well the 
knave could choose him out a ram; the 
whore-son has skill in cattle. On my honest 
word, I reserved that very piece of flesh for 
the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his dis- 
position: for the good man is naturally over- 
joyed when he holds a good-sized handsome 
shoulder of mutton instead of a left-handed 
racket, in one hand, with a good sharp carver 
in the other: got wot how he bestirs himself 
then. 

CHAPTER 8 

How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep 
to be drowned in the sea 

ON a sudden, you would wonder how the 
thing was so soon done; for my part I cannot 
tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it; our 
friend Panurge, without any further tittle- 
tattle, throws you his ram overboard into the 
middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad 
noise. Upon this all the other sheep in the 
ship, crying arid bleating in the same tone, 
made all the haste they could to leap nimbly 
into the sea, one after another; and great was 
the throng who should leap in first after their 
leader. It was impossible to hinder them: for 
you know that it is the nature of sheep always 



248 



RABELAIS 



to follow the first, wheresoever it goes; which 
makes Aristotle, lib. 9. De Hist. Animal, 
mark them for the most silly and foolish ani- 
mals in the world. Dingdong, at his wit's end, 
and stark staring mad, as a man who saw his 
sheep destroy and drown themselves before 
his face, strove to hinder and keep them by 
might and main; but all in vain: they all, one 
after the other frisked and jumped into the 
sea, and were lost. At last he laid hold on a 
huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck 
of the ship, hoping to keep it back, and so 
save that and the rest; but the ram was so 
strong that it proved too hard for him, and 
carried its master into the herring pond in 
spite of his teeth; where it is supposed he 
drank somewhat more than his fill; so that he 
was drowned, in the same manner as one- 
eyed Polyphemus' sheep carried out of the 
den Ulysses and his companions. The like 
happened to the shepherds and all their gang, 
some laying hold on their beloved tup, this by 
the horns, the other by the legs, a third by the 
rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine 
they were all of them forced to sea, and 
drowned like so many rats. Panurge on the 
gunnel of the ship, with an oar in his hand, 
not to help them you may swear, but to keep 
them from swimming to the ship, and saving 
themselves from drowning, preached and 
canted to them all the while, like any little 
Friar Oliver Maillard, or another Friar John 
Burgess; laying before them rhetorical com- 
mon-places concerning the miseries of this 
life, and the blessings and felicity of the next; 
assuring them that the dead were much hap- 
pier than the living in this vale of misery, and 
promising to erect a stately cenotaph and 
honorary tomb to every one of them, on the 
highest summit of Mount Cenis, at his return 
from Lantern-land; wishing them, neverthe- 
less, in case they were not disposed to shake 
hands with this life, and did not like their salt 
liquor, they might have the good luck to meet 
with some kind whale which might set them 
ashore safe and sound, on some land of 
Gotham, after a famous example. 

The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his 
tups : Is there ever another sheepish soul left 
lurking on board? cried Panurge. Where are 
those of Toby Lamb, and Robin Ram, that 
sleep whilst the rest are a feeding;? Faith I 
cannot tell myself. This was an old coaster's 
trick. What thinkest of it, Friar John, hah? 
Rarely performed, answered Friar John: only 
methinks that as formerly in war, on the day 



of battle, a double pay was commonly prom- 
ised the soldiers for that day: for if they over- 
come, there was enough to pay them; and if 
they lost, it would have been shameful for 
them to demand it, as the cowardly foresters 
did after the battle of Ccrizoles: so likewise, 
my friend, you ought not to have paid your 
man, and the money had been saved. A fart 
for the money, said Panurge : have I not had 
above fifty thousand pounds worth of sport? 
Come now, let us be gone; the wind is fair. 
Hark you me, my friend John: never did man 
do me a good turn, but I returned, or at least 
acknowledged it; no, I scorn to be ungrate- 
ful; I never was, nor ever will be: never did 
man do me an ilj one without rueing the day 
that he did it, either in this world or the next. 
I am not yet so much a fool neither. Thou 
damnest thyself like any old devil, quoth 
Friar John: it is written, Mihi vindictam, 6-c. 6 
Matter of breviary, mark ye me. 

CHAPTER 9 

How Pantagruel arrived at the island of En- 
nasin, and of the strange ways of being 
akin in that country 

WE had still the wind at south-south-west, 
and had been a whole day without making 
land. On the third day, at the flies up rising, 
(which, you know, is some two or three hours 
after the sun's,) we got sight of a triangular 
island, very much like Sicily for its form and 
situation. It was called the Island of Allian- 
ces. 

The people there are much like your car- 
rot-pated Poitevins, save only that all of 
them, men, women, and children, have their 
noses shaped like an ace of clubs. For that 
reason the ancient name of the country was 
Ennasin. They were all akin, as the mayor of 
the place told us, at least they boasted so. 

You people of the other world esteem it a 
wonderful thing, that, out of the family of the 
Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was 
the 13th of February, at a certain gate, which 
was the Porta Carmentalis, since named Scel- 
erata, formerly situated at the foot of the 
Capitol, between the Tarpeian rock and the 
Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of 
Etruria, three hundred and six men bearing 
arms, all related to each other, with five thou- 
sand other soldiers, every one of them their 
vassals, who were all slain near the river Cre- 
mera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano. 
Now from this same country of Ennasin, in, 



PANTAGRUEL 



249 



case of need, above three hundred thousand, 
all relations, and of one family, might march 
out. Their degrees of consanguinity and alli- 
ance are very strange: for being thus akin and 
allied to one another, we found that none was 
either father or mother, brother or sister, un- 
cle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law, or 
daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to 
the other; unless, truly, a tall flat-nosed old 
fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little 
shitten arsed girl, of three or four years old, 
father, and the child called him daughter. 
1 Their distinction of degrees of kindred was 
thus: a man used to call a woman, my lean 
bit; the woman called him, my porpoise. 
Those, said Friar John, must needs stink 
damnably of fish, when they have rubbed 
their bacon one with the other. One smiling 
on a young buxom baggage, said, Good mor- 
row, dear currycomb. She, to return him his 
civility, said, The like to you, my steed. Ha! 
ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well in 
faith; for indeed it stands her in good stead 
to currycomb this steed. Another greeted his 
buttock with a Farewell, my case. She re- 
plied, Adieu, trial. By St. Winifred's placket, 
cried Gymnast, this case has been often tried. 
Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, 
hatchet? She answered him, At your service, 
dear helve. Odds belly, saith Carpalim, this 
helve and this hatchet are well matched. As 
we went on, I saw one who, calling his she- 
relation, styled her rny crum, and she called 
him, my crust. 

Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, 
I am glad to see you, clear tap. So am I to find 
you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she. One 
called a wench, his shovel; she called him, her 
peal: one named his, my slipper: and she my 
foot: another, my boot; she, my shasoon. 

In the same degree of kindred, one called 
his, my butter; she called him, my eggs; and 
they were akin just like a dish of buttered 
eggs. I heard one call his, my tripe, and she 
called him, my faggot. Now I could not, for 
the heart's blood of me, pick out or discover 
what parentage, alliance, affinity, or consan- 
guinity was between them, with reference to 
our custom; only they told us that she was 
faggot's tripe. [Tripe de fagot, means the 
smallest sticks in a faggot.] Another compli- 
menting his convenient, said, Yours, my shell: 
she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster. 
I reckon, said Carpalim, she hath gutted his 
oyster. Another long-shanked ugly rogue, 
mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden 



slippers, meeting a strapping, fusty, squob- 
bed dowdy, says he to her, How is it, my top? 
She was short upon him, and arrogantly re- 
plied, Never the better for you, my whip. By 
St. Anthony's hog, said Xenomanes, I believe 
so; for how can this whip be sufficient to lash 
this top? 

A college professor, well provided with 
cod, and powdered and prinked up, having 
a while discoursed with a great lady, taking 
his leave, with these words, Thank you, 
sweet-meat; she cried, There needs no 
thanks, sour-sauce. Saith Pantagruel, This is 
not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat 
must have sour sauce. A wooden loggerhead 
said to a young wench, It is long since I saw 
you, bag: All the better, cried she, pipe. Set 
them together, said Panurge, then blow in 
their arses, it will be a bagpipe. We saw, af- 
ter that, a diminutive humpback gallant, pret- 
ty near us, taking leave of a she-relation of 
his, thus: Fare thee well, friend hole: she re- 
parteed, Save thee, friend peg. Quoth Friar 
John, What could they say more, were he all 
peg and she all hole? But now would I give 
something to know if every cranny of the hole 
can be stopped up with that same peg. 

A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old 
trout, was saying, Remember, rusty gun. I 
will not fail, said she, scourer. Do you reck- 
on these two to be akin? said Pantagruel to 
the mayor: I rather take them to be foes: in 
our country a woman would take this as a 
mortal affront. Good people of the other 
world, replied the mayor, you have few such 
and so near relations as this gun and scourer 
are to one another; for they both come out of 
one shop. What, was the shop their mother? 
quoth Panurge. What mother, said the may- 
or, does the man mean? That must be some 
of your world's affinity; we have here neither 
father nor mother: your little paltry fellows, 
that live on the other side the water, poor 
rogues, booted with whisps of hay, may in- 
deed have such; but we scorn it. The good 
Pantagruel stood gazing and listening; but at 
those words he had like to have lost all pa- 
tience. 

Having very exactly viewed the situation 
of the island, and the way of living of the En- 
riased nation, we went to take a cup of the 
creature at a tavern, where there happened 
to be a wedding after the manner of the 
country. Bating that shocking custom, there 
was special good cheer. 

While we were there, a pleasant match was 



250 



RABELAIS 



struck up betwixt a female called Pear (a 
tight thing, as we thought, but by some 
who knew better things, said to be quaggy 
and flabby,) and a young soft male, called 
Cheese, somewhat sandy. (Many such 
matches have been, and they were formerly 
much commended.) In our country we say, 
// ne fnt ocques tel manage, quest de la 
poire et du fromage; there is no match like 
that made between the pear and the cheese: 
and in many other places good store of such 
bargains have been driven. Besides, when 
the women are at their last prayers, it is to 
this day a noted saying, that after cheese 
comes nothing. 

In another room I saw them marrying an 
old greasy boot to a young pliable buskin. 
Pantagruel was told, that young buskin took 
old boot to have and to hold, because she was 
of special leather, in good case, and waxed, 
seared, liquored, and greased to the purpose, 
even though it had been for the fisherman 
that went to bed with his boots on. In another 
room below, I saw a young brogue taking a 
young slipper for better for worse: which, 
they told us, was neither for sake of her piety, 
parts, or person, but for the fourth compre- 
hensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals, 
rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with 
which she was quilted all over. 

CHAPTER 10 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of 
Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon 

WE sailed right before the wind, which we 
had at west, leaving those odd alliancers with 
their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken 
height by the sun, stood in for Chely, a large, 
fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled island. 
King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned 
there, and, attended by the princes, his sons, 
and the nobles of his court, came as far as the 
port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted 
him to his palace; near the gate of which, the 
queen, attended by the princesses her daugh- 
ters, and the court ladies, received us. Pani- 
gon directed her and all her retinue to salute 
Pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such 
was the civil custom of the country: and they 
were all fairly bussed accordingly, except 
Friar John, who stepped aside, and sneaked 
off among the king's officers. Panigon used 
all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pan- 
tagruel to tarry there that clay and the next: 
but he would needs be gone, and excused 



himself upon the opportunity of wind and 
weather, which being oftener desired than 
enjoyed, ought not to be neglected when it 
comes. Panigon, having heard these reasons, 
let us go, but first made us take off some five 
and twenty or thirty bumpers each. 

Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed 
Friar John, and asked why he was not with 
the rest of the company? Panurge could not 
tell how to excuse him, and would have gone 
back to the palace to call him, when Friar 
John overtook them, and merrily cried, Long 
live the noble Panigon! As I love my belly, he 
minds good eating, and keeps a noble house 
and a dainty kitchen. 1 have been there, boys. 
Every thing goes about by dozens. I was in 
good hopes to have stuffed my puddings 
there like a monk. What! always in a kitchen, 
friend? said Pantagruel. By the belly of St. 
Crampacon, quoth the Friar, I understand 
the customs and ceremonies which are used 
there, much better than all the formal stuff, 
antic postures, and nonsensical fiddle-faddle 
that must be used with those women, magni 
magna, shitten cumshita, cringes, grimaces, 
scrapes, bows, and congees; double honours 
this way, triple salutes that way, the em- 
brace, the grasp, the squeeze, the hug, the 
leer, the smack, beso lasmanos de vostra mer- 
ce de vostra maestd. You are most tarabin, 
tar abas, Stront; that is downright Dutch. 
Why all this ado? I do not say but a man 
might be for a bit by the bye and away, to be 
doing as well as his neighbours; but this little 
nasty cringing and courtesying made me as 
mad as any March devil. You talk of kissing 
ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, 
I seldom venture upon it, lest I be served as 
was the Lord of Guyercharois. What was it? 
said Pantagruel; I know him; he is one of the 
best friends I have. 

He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said 
Friar John, by a relation and neighbour of 
his, together with all the gentlemen and la- 
dies in the neighbourhood. Now some of the 
latter [the ladies] expecting his coming, 
dressed the pages in women s clothes, and 
finified them like any babies; then ordered 
them to meet my lord at his coming near the 
draw-bridge; so the complimenting monsieur 
came, and there kissed the petticoated lads 
with great formality. At last the ladies, who 
minded passages in the gallery, burst out with 
laughing, and made signs to the pages to take 
off their dress; which the good lord having 
observed, the devil a bit he durst make up to 



PANTAGRUEL 



251 



the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that 
since they had disguised the pages, by his 
great grandfather's helmet, these were cer- 
tainly the very footmen and grooms still more 
cunningly disguised. Odds fish, da jurandi, 1 
why do not we rather remove our humanities 
into some good warm kitchen of God, that 
noble laboratory; and there admire the turn- 
ing of the spits, the harmonious rattling of 
the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position 
of the lard, the temperature of the pottages, 
the preparation for the dessert, and the order 
of the wine service? Beati immaculati in via* 
Matter of breviary, my masters. 

CHAPTER 11 

Why monks love to be in kitchens 

Tins, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true 
monk: I mean like a right monking monk, not 
a bemonked monastical monkling. Truly you 
put me in mind of some passages that hap- 
pened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in 
a company of studious travellers, fond ot vis- 
iting the learned, and seeing the antiquities 
of Italy, among whom I was. As we viewed 
the situation and beauty of Florence, the 
structure of the dome, the magnificence of 
the churches and palaces, we strove to outdo 
one another in giving them their due; when a 
certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by 
name, quite angry, scandalized, and out of 
all patience, told us, I do not know what the 
devil you can find in this same town, that is 
so much cried up: for my part I have looked 
and pored and stared as well as the best of 
you; I think my eyesight is as clear as another 
body's; and what can one see after all? There 
are fine houses, indeed, and that is all. But 
the cage docs not feed the birds. God and 
Monsieur St. Bernard, our good patron, be 
with us! in all this same town I have not seen 
one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yet I 
have not a little looked about, and sought for 
so necessary a part of a commonwealth: ay, 
and I dare assure you that I have pried up 
and down with the exactness of an informer; 
as ready to number both to the right and left, 
how many, and on what side, we might find 
most roasting cooks, as a spy would be to 
reckon the bastions of a town. Now at Ami- 
ens, in four, nay five times less ground than 
we have trod in our contemplations, I could 
have shown you above fourteen streets of 
roasting cooks, most ancient, savoury, and 
aromatic. I cannot imagine what kind of 



pleasure you can have taken in gazing on the 
lions and Africans, (so methinks you call 
their tigers,) near the belfry; or in ogling the 
porcupines and ostriches in the Lord Philip 
Strozzi's palace. Faith and truth 1 had rather 
see a good fat goose at the spit. This por- 
phyry, those marbles are fine; I say nothing to 
the contrary: but our cheesecakes at Amiens 
are far better in my mind. These ancient stat- 
ues are well made; I am willing to believe it: 
but by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have 
young wenches in our country, which please 
me better a thousand times. 

What is the reason, asked Friar John, that 
monks are always to be found in kitchens; 
and kings, emperors, and popes are never 
there? Is there not, said Rhizotomus, some 
latent virtue and specific property hid in the 
kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone at- 
tracts iron, draws the monk there, and can- 
not attract emperois, popes, or kings? Or is 
it a natural induction and inclination, fixed 
in the frocks and cowls, which of itself leads 
and forceth those good religious men into 
kitchens, whether they will or no? He means, 
forms, following matter, as Avenoe's calls 
them, answered Epistemon. Right, said Friar 
John. 

I will not offer to solve this problem, said 
Pantagruel; for it is somewhat ticklish, and 
you can hardly handle it without coming off 
scurvily; but I will tell you what I have heard. 

Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day 
coming to one of his tents, where his cooks 
used to dress his meat, and finding there poet 
Antagoras frying a conger, and holding the 
pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. 
Poet, was Homer frying congers when he 
wrote the deeds of Agamemnon? Antagoras 
readily answered, But do you think, sir, that 
when Agamemnon did them, he made it his 
business to know if any in his camp were fry- 
ing congers? The king thought it an indecen- 
cy that a poet should be thus a frying in a 
kitchen; and the poet let the king know, that 
it was a more indecent thing for a king to be 
found in such a place. I will clap another 
story upon the heck of this, quoth Panurge, 
and will tell you what Breton Villandry an- 
swered one day to the Duke of Guise. 

They were saying that at a certain battle 
of King Francis, against the Emperor, 
Chailes the Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pe to 
the teeth, and mounted like St. George; yet 
sneaked off, and played least in sight during 
the engagement. Blood an'ouns, answered 



252 



RABELAIS 



Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; 
nay, even where you, my lord, dared not have 
been. The duke began to resent this as too 
rash and saucy: but Breton easily appeased 
him, and set them all a laughing. I gad, my 
lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I 
was all the while with your page Jack, skulk- 
ing in a certain place where you had not 
dared hide your head, as I did. Thus discours- 
ing, they got to their ships, and left the island 
of Chely. 

CHAPTER 12 

How Pantagruel passed through tJie land of 
Pettifogging, and of the .si range way of liv- 
ing among ihe Catchpoles 

STEERING our course forwards the next day, 
we passed through Pettifogging, a country all 
blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly 
tell what to make on it. There we saw some 
pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will 
hang their father for a groat. They neither in- 
vited us to eat or drink; but, with a multiplied 
train of scrapes and cringes, said they were 
all at our service, for a consideration. 

One of our interpreters related to Pantag- 
ruel their strange way of living, diametrically 
opposite to that of our modern Romans; for at 
Rome a world of folks get an honest liveli- 
hood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, 
stabbing, and murdering; but the catchpoles 
earn theirs by being thrashed; so that if they 
were long without a tight lambasting, the 
poor dogs with their wives and children 
would be starved. This is just, quoth Panurge, 
like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect 
the cavernous nerve towards the equinoctial 
circle, unless they are soundly flogged. By St. 
Patrick's slipper, whoever should jirk me so, 
would soon, instead of setting me right, throw 
me off the saddle, in the devil's name. 

The way is this, said the interpreter. When 
a monk, levite, close-fisted usurer, or lawyer 
owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentle- 
man, he sends to him one of those catchpoles, 
or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, 
serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, 
abuses, and affronts him impudently by nat- 
ural instinct, and according to his pious in- 
structions: insomuch, that if the gentleman 
hath but any guts in his brains, and is not 
more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find 
himself obliged either to apply a faggot-stick 
or his sword to the rascal's jobbernol, give 
him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper 



out of the window, by way of correction. This 
done, Catchpole is rich for four months at 
least, as if bastinadoes were his real harvest : 
for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer, will 
reward him roundly; and my gentleman must 
pay him such swingeing damages, that his 
acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger 
of miserably rotting within a stone doublet, 
as if he had struck the king. 

Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent rem- 
edy against this; used by the Lord of Basche. 
What is it? said Pantagruel. The Lord of 
Basche, said Panurge, was a brave, honest, 
noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return 
from the long war, in which the Duke of Fer- 
rara, with the help of the French, bravely de- 
fended himself against the fury of Pope Juli- 
us the Second, was every day cited, warned, 
and prosecuted at the suit, and for the sport 
and fancy of the fat prior of St. Louant. 

One morning as he was at breakfast with 
some of his domestics (for he loved to be 
sometimes among them) he sent for one 
Loire his baker, and his spouse, and for one 
Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also 
his butler, as the custom was then in France; 
then said to them before his gentleman and 
other servants: You all see how I am daily 
plagued with these rascally catchpoles: truly 
if you do not lend me your helping hand, I 
am finally resolved to leave the country, and 
go fight for the sultan, or the devil, rather 
than be thus eternally tcazcd. Therefore to 
be rid of their damned visits, hereafter, when 
any of them come here, be ready you baker 
and your wife, to make your personal appear- 
ance in my great hall, in your wedding 
clothes, as if you were going to be affianced. 
Here take these ducats, which I give you to 
keep you in a fitting garb. As for you, Sir Ou- 
dart, be sure you make your personal appear- 
ance there in your fair surplice and stole, not 
forgetting your holy water, as if you were to 
wed them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he 
to his drummer, with your pipe and tabour. 
The form of matrimony must be read, and 
the bride kissed at the beat of the tabour; 
then all of you, as the witnesses used do in 
this country, shall give one another the re- 
membrance of the wedding, which you 
know is to be a blow with your fist, bidding 
the party struck, remember the nuptials by 
that token. This will but make you have 
the better stomach to your supper; but when 
you come to the catchpole's turn, thrash 
him thrice and threefold, as you would a 



PANTAGRUEL 



253 



sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul 
him, drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, 
I pray you. Here, take these steel gauntlets, 
covered with kid. Head, back, belly, and 
sides, give him blows innumerable: he that 
gives him most, shall be my best friend. Fear 
not to be called to an account about it; I will 
stand by you: for the blows must seem to be 
given in jest, as it is customary among us at 
all weddings. 

Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole, 
said the man of God? All sorts of people daily 
resort to this castle. I have taken care of that, 
replied the lord. When some fellow, cither on 
foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large broad 
silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, 
he is certainly a catchpole : the porter, having 
civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then be 
all ready, and come into the hall, to act the 
tragi-comecly, whose plot I have now laid for 
you. 

That numerical day, as chance would have 
it, came an old fat ruddy catchpole. Having 
knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most 
men will do, the porter soon found him out, 
by his large greasy spatterdashes, his jaded 
hollow-flanked mare, his bag full of writs and 
informations dangling at his girdle, but, 
above all, by the large silver hoop on his left 
thumb. 

The porter was civil to him, admitted him 
kindly, and rung the bell briskly. As soon as 
the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped 
on their best clothes, and made their personal 
appearance in the hall, keeping their gravi- 
ties like a new-made judge. The dominie put 
on his surplice and stole, and as he came out 
of his office, met the catchpole, had him in 
there, and made him suck his face a good 
while, while the gauntlets were drawing on 
all hands; and then told him, You are come 
just in pudding-time; my lord is in his right 
cue: we shall feast like kings anon, here is to 
be swingeing doing; we have a wedding in 
the house; here, drink and cheer up; pull 
away. 

While these two were at hand-to-fist, 
Basche seeing all his people in the hall in 
their proper equipages, sends for the vicar. 
Oudart comes with the holy water pot, fol- 
lowed by the catchpole, who, as he came into 
the hall, did not forget to make good store of 
awkward cringes, and then served Basche 
with a writ. Basche gave him grimace for 
grimace, slipped an angel into his mutton fist, 
and prayed him to assist at the contract arid 



ceremony: which he did. When it was ended, 
thumps and fisticuffs began to fly about 
among the assistants; but when it came to the 
catchpole's turn, they all laid on him so un- 
mercifully with their gauntlets, that they at 
last settled him, all stunned and battered, 
bruised and mortified, with one of his eyes 
black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisk- 
et sunk in, his omoplates in four quaiters, his 
under jawbone in three pieces; and all this in 
jest, and no harm done. God wot how the 
levite belaboured him, hiding within the long 
sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel 
gauntlet lined with ermine: for he was a 
strong built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs. 
The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like 
stripe, with much ado crawled home to L'Isle 
Bouchart, well pleased and edified however 
with Basche kind reception; and, with the 
help of the good surgeons of the place, lived 
as long as you would have him. From that 
time to this, not a word of the business; the 
memory of it was lost with the sound of the 
bells that rung with joy at his funeral. 

CHAPTER 13 

How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of 
Basche commended his servants 

THE catchpole being packed off on blind Sor- 
rel, so he called his one-eyed-mare, Basche 
sent for his lady, her women, and all his serv- 
ants, into the arbour of his garden; had wine 
brought, attended with good store of pasties, 
hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for 
a nunchion; drank with them joyfully, and 
then told them this story. 

Master Francis Villon, in his old age, re- 
tired to St. Maxent, in Poictou, under the pa- 
tronage of a good honest abbot of the place. 
There to make sport for the mob, he under- 
took to get "The Passion" acted, after the 
way, and in the dialect of the country. The 
parts being distributed, the play having been 
rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told 
the mayor and aldermen, that the mystery 
would be ready after Niort fair, and that 
there only wanted properties and necessaries, 
but chiefly clothes fit for the parts: so the 
mayor and his brethren took care to get them. 

Villon, to dress an old clownish father grey- 
beard, who was to represent G d the father, 
begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan 
to the Franciscan friars of the place, to lend 
him a cope and a stole. Tickletoby refused 
him, alleging, that by their provincial stat- 



254 



RABELAIS 



utes, it was rigorously forbidden to give or 
lend anything to players. Villon replied, that 
the statute reached no farther than farces, 
drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games, 
and that he asked no more than what he had 
seen allowed at Brussels and other places. 
Tickletoby, notwithstanding, peremptorily 
bid him provide himself elsewhere if he 
would, and not to hope for any thing out of 
his monastical wardrobe. Villon gave an ac- 
count of this to the players, as of a most 
abominable action; adding, that God would 
shortly revenge himself, and make an exam- 
ple of Tickletoby. 

The Saturday following, he had notice giv- 
en him, that Tickletoby, upon the filly of the 
convent so they call a young mare that was 
never leaped yet was gone a mumping to St. 
Ligarius, and would be back about two in the 
afternoon. Knowing this, he made a caval- 
cade of his devils of 'The Passion" through 
the town. They were all rigged with wolves', 
calves', and rams' skins, laced and trimmed 
with sheep's heads, bulls' feathers, and large 
kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern 
girdles; whereat hanged dangling huge cow- 
bells and horsebells, which made a horrid 
din. Some held in their claws black sticks full 
of squibs and crackers: others had long light- 
ed pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner 
of every street, they flung whole handfuls of 
rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire and 
smoke. Having thus led them about, to the 
great diversion of the mob, and the dreadful 
fear of little children, he finally carried them 
to an entertainment at a summer-house, with- 
out the gate that leads to St. Ligarius. 

As they came near to the place, he espied 
Tickletoby afar off, coming home from 
mumping, and told them in macaronic verse. 

Hie cst de patria, natus, de gcnte belistra, 
Qui solet antiquo bribas portare bisacco. 9 

A plague on his friarship, said the devils 
then; the lousy beggar would not lend a poor 
cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him. 
Well said, cried Villon; but let us hide our- 
selves till he comes by, and then charge him 
home briskly with your squibs and burning 
sticks. Tickletoby being come to the place, 
they all rushed on a sudden into the road to 
meet him, and in a frightful manner threw 
fire from all sides upon him and his filly foal, 
ringing and tingling their bells, and howling 
like so many real devils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, 



brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hho, 
hho, hhoi. Friar Stephen, don't we play the 
devils rarely? The filly was soon scared out of 
her seven senses, and began to start, to funk 
it, to squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, 
to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate 
it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, to curvet 
it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; inso- 
much that she threw down Tickletoby, 
though he held fast by the tree of the pack- 
saddle with might and main. Now his straps 
and stirrups were of cord; and on the right 
side, his sandals were so entangled and twist- 
ed, that he could not for the heart's blood of 
him get out his foot. Thus he was dragged 
about by the filly through the road, scratch- 
ing his bare breech all the way; she still mul- 
tiplying her kicks against him, and straying 
for fear over hedge and ditch; insomuch that 
she trepanned his thick skull so, that his coc- 
kle brains were dashed out near the Osanna 
or high-cross. Then his arms fell to pieces, one 
this way, and the other that way; and even 
so were his legs served at the same time. 
Then she made a bloody havoc with his pud- 
dings; and being got to the convent, brought 
back only his right foot and twisted sandal, 
leaving them to guess what had become of the 
rest. 

Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as 
he intended, said to his devils, You will act 
rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; 
I dare engage you will top your parts. I defy 
the devils of Saumur, Douay, Montmorillon, 
Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, 
even those of Poictiers, for all their bragging 
and vapouring to match you. 

Thus, friends, said Baschc, I forsee, that 
hereafter you will act rarely this tragical 
farce, since the very first time you have so 
skilfully hampered, bethwackcd, belammed, 
and bcbumped the catchpole. From this day 
I double your wages. As for you, my dear, 
said he to his lady, make your gratifications as 
you please; you are my treasurer, you know. 
For my part, first and foremost, I drink to you 
all. Come on, box it about, it is good and cool. 
In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take 
this silver basin, I give it you freely. Then 
you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these 
two silver gilt cups, and let not the pages 
be horse-whipped these three months. My 
dear, let them have my best white plumes of 
feathers, with the gold buckles to them. Sir 
Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share: 
this other I give to the cooks. To the valets de 



PANTAGRUEL 



255 



chambre I give this silver basket; to the 
grooms, this silver gilt boat; to the porter, 
these two plates, to the hostlers, these ten 
porringers. Trudon, take you these silver 
spoons and this sugar box. You, footman, take 
this large salt. Serve me well, and I will re- 
member you. For on the word of a gentleman, 
I had rather bear in war one hundred blows 
on my helmet in the service of my country, 
than be once cited by these knavish catch- 
poles, merely to humour this same gorbellied 
prior. 

CHAPTER 14 

A further account of Catchpoles who were 
drubbed at Basche's house 

FOUR days after, another, young, long- 
shanked, raw-boned catchpole, coming to 
serve Basche with a writ at the fat prior's re- 
quest, was no sooner at the gate, but the por- 
ter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose 
second pull, all the family understood the 
mystery. Loire was kneading his dough; his 
wife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in 
his office; the gentlemen were playing at ten- 
nis; the Lord Basche at in and out with my 
lady; the waiting-men and gentlewomen at 
push-pin; the officers at lanterlue, and the 
pages at hot-cockles, giving one another 
smart bangs. They were all immediately in- 
formed that a catchpole was housed. 

Upon this, Oudart put on his sacerdotal, 
and Loire and his wife their nuptial badges: 
Trudon piped it, and then laboured it like 
mad; all made haste to get ready, not forget- 
ting the gauntlets. Basch6 went into the out- 
ward yard: there the catchpole meeting him 
fell on his marrow-bones, begged of him not 
to take it ill, if he served him with a writ at 
the suit of the fat prior; and in a pathetic 
speech, let him know that he was a public 
person, a servant to the monking tribe, ap- 
paritor to the abbatial mitre, ready to do as 
much for him, nay, for the least of his ser- 
vants, whensoever he would employ and use 
him. 

Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not 
serve your writ till you have tasted some of 
my good quinquenays wine, and been a wit- 
ness to a wedding which we are to have this 
very minute. Let him drink and refresh him- 
self, added he, turning towards the levitical 
butler, and then bring him into the hall. Af- 
ter which, Catchpole, well stuffed and mois- 
tened, came with Oudart to the place where 



all the actors in the farce stood ready to be- 
gin. The sight of their game set them a laugh- 
ing, and the messenger of mischief grinned 
also for company's sake. Then the mysterious 
words were muttered to and by the couple, 
their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all 
besprinkled with holy water. While they 
were bringing wine and kickshaws, thumps 
began to trot about by dozens. The catchpole 
gave the levite several blows. Oudart, who 
had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt, 
draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his 
clenched fist, souse he fell on the catchpole, 
and mauled him like a devil: the junior 
gauntlets dropped on him likewise like so 
many battering rams. Remember the wed- 
ding by this, by that, by these blows, said 
they. In short they stroked him so to the pur- 
pose, that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, 
ears, and eyes, and was bruised, thwackt, 
battered, bebumped, and crippled at the 
back, neck, breast, arms, and so forth. Never 
did the bachelors at Avignon, in carnival 
time, play more melodiously at raphe, than 
was then played on the catchpole's micro- 
cosm : at last down he fell. 

They threw a great deal of wine on his 
snout, tied round the sleeve of his doublet a 
fine yellow and green favour, and got him 
upon his snotty beast, and God knows how he 
got to LTsle Bouchart; where I cannot truly 
tell you whether he was dressed and looked 
after or no, both by his spouse and the able 
doctors of the country; for the thing never 
came to my ears. 

The next day they had a third part to the 
same tune, because it did not appear by the 
lean catchpole's bag, that he had served his 
writ. So the fat prior sent a new catchpole at 
the head of a brace of bums, for his garde du 
corps, to summon my lord. The porter ringing 
the bell, the whole family was overjoyed, 
knowing that was another rogue. Basche 
was at dinner with his lady and the gentle- 
men; so he sent for the catchpole, made him 
sit by him, and the bums by the women, and 
made them eat till their bellies cracked with 
their breeches unbuttoned. The fruit being 
served, the catchpole arose from table and 
before the bums cited Basche. Basche kindly 
asked him for a copy of the warrant, which 
the other had got ready: he then takes wit- 
ness, and a copy of the summons. To the 
catchpole and his bums he ordered four duc- 
ats for civility money. In the meantime all 
were withdrawn for the farce. So Trudon 



256 



RABELAIS 



gave the alarm with his tabour. Basche de- 
sired the catchpole to stay and see one of his 
servants married, and witness the contract of 
marriage, paying him his fee. The catchpole 
slap dash was ready, took out his ink-horn, 
got paper immediately, and his bums by 
him. 

Then Loire came into the hall at one door, 
and his wife with the gentlewomen at anoth- 
er, in nuptial accoutrements. Oudart, in pon- 
tificalibns, takes them both by their hands, 
asketh them their will, giveth them the mat- 
rimonial blessing, and was very liberal of 
holy water. The contract written, signed, and 
registered, on one side was brought wine 
and comfits; on the other, white and orange- 
tawny-coloured favours were distributed: on 
another, gauntlets privately handed about. 

CHAPTER 15 

How the ancient custom at nuptials is re- 
newed hy the Catchpole 

THE catchpole, having made shift to get 
down a swingeing sneaker of Breton wine, 
said to Basche, Pray, Sir, what do you mean? 
You do not give one another the memento of 
the wedding. By St. Joseph's wooden shoe, 
all good customs are forgot. We find the 
form, but the hare is scampered; and the nest, 
but the birds are flown. There are no true 
friends now-a-days. You see how, in several 
churches, the ancient laudable custom of tip- 
pling, on account of the blessed saints O O, 
at Christmas, is come to nothing. The world is 
in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly com- 
ing all so fast. Now come on; the wedding, 
the wedding, the wedding; remember it by 
this. This he said, striking Basche and his 
lady; then her women and the levite. Then 
the tabour beat a point of war, and the gaunt- 
lets began to do their duty: insomuch that the 
catchpole had his crown cracked in no less 
than nine places. One of the bums had his 
right arm put out of joint, and the other his 
upper jawbone or mandibule dislocated; so 
that it hid half his chin, with a denudation of 
the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masti- 
catory, and canine teeth. Then the tabour 
beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefully 
hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distrib- 
uted to renew the mirth of the company. So 
they all drank to one another, and especially 
to the catchpole and his bums. But Oudart 
cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of 
hell, complaining that one of the bums had 



utterly disincornifistibulated his nether shoul- 
der-blade. Nevertheless, he scorned to be 
thought a flincher, and made shift to tope to 
him on the square. 

The jawless bum shrugged up his shoul- 
ders, joined his hands, and by signs begged 
his pardon; for speak he could not. The sham 
bridegroom made his moan, that the crippled 
bum had struck him such a horrid thump 
with his shoulder-of -mutton fist on the nether 
elbow, that he was grown quite esperruquan- 
chuzelubleouzerireliced down to his very 
heel, to the no small loss of mistress bride. 

But what harm had poor I done? cried 
Trudon, hiding his left eye with his kerchief, 
and showing his tabour cracked on one side: 
they were not satisfied with thus poaching, 
black and blueing, and morrambouzevezen- 
gouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffrelid- 
ing my poor eyes, but they have also broke 
my harmless drum. Drums indeed are com- 
monly beaten at weddings, and it is fit they 
should; but drummers are well entertained, 
and never beaten. Now let Belzebub even 
take the drum, to make his devilship a night- 
cap. Brother, said the lame catchpole, never 
fret thyself; I will make thee a present of a 
fine, large, old patent, which T have here in 
my bag, to patch up thy drum and for Ma- 
dame St. Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us. By 
Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed dame, I 
meant no more harm than the child unborn. 
One of the equerries who hopping and halt- 
ing like a mumping cripple, mimicked the 
good limping Lord dc la Roche Posay, direct- 
ed his discourse to the bum with the pouting 
jaw, and told him, What, Mr. Manhound, was 
it not enough thus to have morcrosastebesast- 
evercstcgrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all 
in our upper members with your botched mit- 
tens, but you must also apply such mordere- 
gripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurin- 
timpaniments on our shin-bones with the 
hard tops and extremities of your cobbled 
shoes. Do you call this children's play? By the 
mass, it is no jest. The bum, wringing his 
hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering 
with his tongue, mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, 
von, like a dumb man. The bride crying 
laughed, and laughing cried, because the 
catchpole was not satisfied with drubbing her 
without choice or distinction of members, but 
had also rudely roused and toused her; pulled 
off her topping, and not having the fear of her 
husband before his eyes, treacherously trep- 
ignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbledtum- 



PANTAGRUEL 



257 



bled and squeezed her lower parts. The devil 
go with it, said Basche; there was much need 
indeed that this same Master King (this was 
the catchpole's name) should thus break my 
wife's back: however, I forgive him now; 
these are little nuptial caresses. But this I 
plainly perceive, that he cited me like an an- 
gel, and drubbed me like a devil. He hath 
something in him of Friar Thumpwell. Come, 
for all this, I must drink to him, and to you 
likewise his trusty esquires. But, said his lady, 
why hath he been so very liberal of his man- 
ual kindness to me, without the least provoca- 
tion? I assure you, I by no means like it: but 
this I dare say for him, that he hath the hard- 
est knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders. 
The steward held his left arm in a scarf, as if 
it had been rent and torn in twain: I think it 
was the devil, said he, that moved me to as- 
sist at these nuptials; shame on ill luck; I must 
needs be meddling with a pox, and now see 
what I have got by the bargain, both my arms 
are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and 
bruised. Do you call this a wedding? By St. 
Bridget's tooth I had rather be at that of a 

Tom T drnan. This is, on my word, even 

just such another feast as was that of the Lap- 
ithie described by the philosopher of Samo- 
sata. One of the bums had lost his tongue. 
The two other, though they had more need to 
complain, made their excuse as well as they 
could, protesting that they had no ill design 
in this dumbfounding; begging that, for 
goodness sake, they would forgive them; and 
so, though they could hardly budge a foot, or 
wag along, away they crawled. About a mile 
from Basche's scat the catchpole found him- 
self somewhat out of sorts. The bums got to 
LTsle Bouchard, publicly saying, that since 
they were born, they had never scon an hon- 
ester gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or 
civiller people than his, and that they had 
never been at the like wedding (which I ver- 
ily believe) ; but that it was their own faults if 
they had then tickled off, and tossed about 
from post to pillar, since themselves had be- 
gun the beating. So they lived I cannot ex- 
actly tell you how many days after this. But 
from that time to this it was held for a certain 
truth, that Basche's money was more pestilen- 
tial, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles 
and bums, than were formerly the ait rum 
Tholosanum n and the Sejan horse to those 
that possessed them. Ever since this, he lived 
quietly, and Basche's wedding grew into a 
common proverb. 



CHAPTER 16 



How Friar John made trial of the nature of 
the Catchpolls 

THIS story would seem pleasant enough, said 
Pantagruel, were we not to have always the 
fear of God before our eyes. It had been bet- 
ter, said Epistemon, if those gauntlets had fal- 
len upon the fat prior. Since he took a pleas- 
ure in spending his money partly to vex Ba- 
sche, partly to see those catchpoles banged, 
good lusty thumps would have clone well on 
his shaven crown, considering the horrid con- 
cussions now-a-days among those puny judges. 
What harm had done those poor devils the 
catchpoles? This puts me in mind, said Pan- 
tagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Nera- 
tius. He was of noble blood, and for some 
time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclina- 
tion, that whenever he went out of doors, he 
caused his servants to fill their pockets with 
gold and silver, and meeting in the street 
your spruce gallants and better sort of beaux, 
without the least provocation, for his fancy, 
he used to strike them hard on the face with 
his fist; and immediately after that, to ap- 
pease them, and hinder them from complain- 
ing to the magistrates, he would give them as 
much money as satisfied them according to 
the law of the twelve tables. Thus he used to 
spend his revenue, beating people for the 
price of his money. By St. Bonnet's sacred 
boot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth 
of it presently. 

This said, he went on shore, put his hand 
in his fob, and took out twenty ducats; then 
said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a 
shoal of the nation of catchpoles, Who will 
earn twenty ducats, for being beaten like the 
devil? lo, lo, lo, said they all: you will cripple 
us for ever, sir, that is most certain; but the 
money is tempting. With this they were all 
thronging who should be first, to be thus pre- 
ciously beaten. Friar John singled him out of 
the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red- 
snouted catchpole, who upon his right thumb 
wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein was 
set a good large toad-stone. He had no sooner 
picked him out from the rest, but I perceived 
that they all muttered and grumbled; and I 
heard a young thin-jawed catchpole, a nota- 
ble scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen, and, 
according to public report, much cried up for 
his honesty at Doctors-Commons, making his 
complaint, and muttering, because this same 
crimson phiz carried away all the practice; 



258 



RABELAIS 



and that if there were but a score and a half 
of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly 
run away with eight and twenty of them. But 
all this was looked upon to be nothing but 
mere envy. 

Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, 
thumped, and belaboured Red-snout, back 
and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, 
and so forth, with the home and frequently 
repeated application of one of the best mem- 
bers of a faggot, that I took him to be a dead 
man: then he gave him the twenty ducats; 
which made the dog get on his legs, pleased 
like a little king or two. The rest were saying 
to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if it 
please you to do us the favour to beat some 
of us for less money, we are all at your devil- 
ship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all. 
Red-snout cried out against them, saying, 
with a loud voice, Body of me, you little 
prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of 
my mouth? will you take my bargain over my 
head; would you draw and inveigle from me 
my clients and customers? Take notice, T 
summon you before the official this clay sev- 
ennight; I will law and claw you like any old 

devil of Vauvcrd, that I will Then turning 

himself towards Friar John, with a smiling 
and joyful look, he said to him, Reverend fa- 
ther in the devil, if you have found me a good 
hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once 
more, by beating your humble servant, I will 
bate you half in half this time, rather than 
lose your custom: do not spare me, I beseech 
you: I am all, and more than all yours, good 
Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and gar- 
bage; and that at a pennyworth, I'll assure 
you. Friar John never heeded his proffers, but 
even left them. The other catchpoles were 
making addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, 
Gymnast, and others, entreating them char- 
itably to bestow upon their carcasses a small 
beating, for otherwise they were in danger of 
keeping a long fast: but none of them had a 
stomach to it. Some time after, seeking fresh 
water for the ship's company, we met a cou- 
ple of old female catchpoles of the place, mis- 
erably howling and weeping in concert. Pan- 
tagruel had kept on board, and already had 
caused a retreat to be sounded. Thinking 
that they might be related to the catchpolc 
that was bastinadoed, we asked them the oc- 
casion of their grief. They replied, that they 
had too much cause to weep; for that very 
hour from an exalted triple tree, two of the 
honestest gentlemen in Catchpole-land had 



been made to cut a caper on nothing. Cut a 
caper on nothing; said Gymnast; my pages 
use to cut capers on the ground: to cut a 
caper on nothing, should be hanging and 
choking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said Friar John, 
you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse. 

We asked them why they treated these 
worthy persons with such a choking hempen 
sallad. They told us they had only borrowed, 
alias stolen, the tools of the mass, and hid 
them under the handle of the parish. This is a 
very allegorical way of speaking, said Episte- 



CHAPTER 17 

How Pantagrucl came to the islands of Tohu 
and Bolin; and of the strange death of 
Widenostrils, the swalloivcr of Windmills 

THAT clay Pantagruel came to the two islands 
of Tohu and Bohu, where the devil a bit we 
could find any thing to fry with. For one 
Widenostrils, a huge giant, had swallowed 
every individual pan, skillet, kettle, frying- 
pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in 
the land, for want of windmills, which were 
his daily food. Whence it happened, that 
somewhat before clay, about the hour of his 
digestion, the greedy churl was taken very 
ill, with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stom- 
ach, occasioned, as the physicians said, by 
the weakness of the concocting faculty of his 
stomach, natuially disposed to digest whole 
windmills at a gust, yet unable to consume 
perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had 
indeed pretty well digested the kettles and 
pots; as they said, they knew by the hypos- 
tases and eneoremes of four tubs of second- 
hand drink which he had evacuated at two 
different times that morning. They made use 
of divers remedies according to art, to give 
him ease: but all would not do; the distemper 
prevailed over the remedies, insomuch that 
the famous Widenostrils died that morning, 
of so strange a death, that, I think you ought 
110 longer to wonder at that of the poet 
/Eschylus. It had been foretold him by the 
soothsayers, that he would die on a certain 
day, by the ruin of something that should fall 
on him. That fatal day being come in its turn, 
he removed himself out of town, far from all 
houses, trees, rocks, or any other things that 
can fall, and endanger by their ruin; and 
strayed in a large field, trusting himself to the 
open sky; there, very secure, as he thought, 
unless, indeed, the sky should happen to fall, 



PANTAGRUEL 



259 



which he held to be impossible. Yet, they say, 
that the larks are much afraid of it; for if it 
should fall, they must all be taken. 

The Celts that once lived near the Rhine 
they are our noble valiant French in ancient 
times were also afraid of the sky's falling: for 
being asked by Alexander the Great, what 
they feared most in this world, hoping well 
they would say that they feared none but 
him, considering his great achievements; 
they made answer, that they feared nothing 
but the sky's falling: however, not refusing to 
enter into a confederacy with so brave a 
king; if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and Arrian, 
lib. 1. 

Plutarch also, in his book of the face that 
appears on the body of the moon, speaks of 
one Pharnaces, who very much feared the 
moon should fall on the earth, and pitied 
those that live under that planet, as the /Ethi- 
opians and Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass 
ever happened to fall on them; and would 
have feared the like of heaven and earth, had 
they not been duly propped up and borne by 
the atlantic pillars as the ancients believed, 
according to Aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, 
Mt> taping. Notwithstanding all this, poor 
/Eschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of 
a tortoise, which falling from betwixt the 
claws of an eagle high in the air, just on his 
head, dashed out his brains. 

Neither ought you to wonder at the death 
of another poet, I mean old jolly Anacreon, 
who was choked with a grapestonc. Nor at 
that of Fabius the Roman pnetor, who was 
choked with a single goat's hair, as he was 
supping up a porringer of milk. Nor at the 
death of that bashful fool, who by holding in 
his wind, and for want of letting out a bum- 
gunshot, died suddenly in the presence of the 
Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of the Italian, 
buried in the Via Fhtminia at Rome, who, in 
his epitaph, complains that the bite of a she 
puss on his little finger was the cause of his 
death. Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who 
died suddenly of so small a prick with a nee- 
dle on his left thumb, that it could hardly be 
discerned. Nor of Quenelault, a Norman phy- 
sician, who died suddenly at Montpellier, 
merely for having side-ways took a worm out 
of his hand with a penknife. Nor of Philo- 
menes, whose servant having got him some 
new figs for the first course of his dinner, 
whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling 
well-hung ass got into the house, and seeing 
the figs on the table, without further invita- 



tion soberly fell to. Philomenes coming into 
the room, and nicely observing with what 
gravity the ass eat its dinner, said to his man, 
who was come back, Since thou hast set figs 
here for this reverend guest of ours to eat, 
methinks it is but reason thou also give him 
some of this wine to drink. He had no sooner 
said this, but he was so excessively pleased, 
and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, 
that the use of his spleen took that of his 
breath utterly away, and he immediately 
died. Nor of Spurius Saufeius, who died sup- 
ping up a soft boiled egg as he came out of a 
bath. Nor of him who, as Boccacio tells us, 
died suddenly by picking his grinders with a 
sage-stalk. Nor of Phillipot Placut, who being 
brisk and hale, fell dead as he was paying an 
old debt; which causes, perhaps, many not to 
pay theirs, for fear of the like accident. Nor 
of the painter Zeuxis, who killed himself with 
laughing at the sight of the antic jobbernol 
of an old hag drawn by him. Nor, in short, of 
a thousand more of which authors write; as 
Varrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Bapista Fulgosus, 
and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaffer 
Widenostrils choked himself with eating a 
huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a 
hot oven, by the advice of physicians. 

They likewise told us there, that the King 
of Cullan in Bohu had routed the grandees of 
King Mecloth, and made sad work with the 
fortresses of Bclima. 

After this, we sailed by the islands of Nar- 
gues and Zargues; also by the islands of Tel- 
cniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful 
in ingredients for clysters; and then by the is- 
lands of Enig and Evig, on whose account 
formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was 
swinged off with a vengeance. 

CHAPTER 18 

How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea 

THE next day we espied nine sail that came 
spooning before the wind: they were full of 
Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, 
Austins, Bernardins, Egnatins, Celestins, 
Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, 
Minims, and the devil and all of other holy 
monks and friars, who were going to the 
Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some new 
articles of faith against the new heretics. 
Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being 
most certain of good luck for that day, and a 
long train of others. So having courteously 
saluted the blessed fathers, and recommend- 



260 



RABELAIS 



ed the salvation of his precious soul to their 
devout prayers and private ejaculations, he 
caused seventy-eight dozen of Westphalia 
hams, units of pots of caviare, tens of Bolonia 
sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thou- 
sands of fine angels, for the souls of the dead, 
to be thrown on board their ships. Pantagruel 
seemed metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, 
and as melancholic as a cat. Friar John, who 
soon perceived it, was inquiring of him 
whence should come this unusual sadness? 
when the master, whose watch it was, ob- 
serving the fluttering of the ancient above the 
poop, and seeing that it began to overcast, 
judged that we should have wind; therefore 
he bid the boatswain call all hands upon 
deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swab- 
bers, and cabin-boys, and even the passen- 
gers; made them first settle their top-sails, 
take in their sprit-sail; then he cried, In with 
your top-sails, lower the foresail, tallow under 
the parrels, brade up close all them sails, 
strike your top-masts to the cap, make all sure 
with your sheeps-feet, lash your guns fast. All 
this was nimbly done. Immediately it bio wed 
a storm; the sea began to roar, and swell 
mountain high; the rut of the sea was great, 
the waves breaking upon our ship's quarter; 
the north-west wind blustered and over- 
blowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing 
and deadly scuds of wind whistled through 
our yards, and made our shrouds rattle again. 
The thunder grumbled so horridly, that you 
would have thought heaven had been tum- 
bling about our ears; at the same time it light- 
ened, rained, hailed, the sky lost its transpar- 
ent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so 
that we had no other light than that of the 
flashes of lightning, and rending of the 
clouds: the hurricanes, flaws, and sudden 
whirlwinds began to make a flame about us, 
by the lightnings, fiery vapours, and other 
aerial ejaculations. Oh how our looks were 
full of amazement and trouble, while the 
saucy winds did rudely lift up above us the 
mountainous waves of the main! Believe me, 
it seemed to us a lively image of the chaos, 
where fire, air, sea, land, and all the elements 
were in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge 
having, with the full contents of the inside of 
his doublet, plentifully fed the fish, greedy 
enough of such odious fare, sat on the deck 
all in a heap, with his nose and arse together, 
most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; 
invoked and called to his assistance all the 
blessed he and she saints he could muster up; 



swore and vowed to confess in time and place 
convenient, and then bawled out frightfully, 
Steward, maitre d'liotel, see hoe! my friend, 
my father, my uncle, prithee let us have a 
piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall 
drink but too much anon, for aught I see. Eat 
little and drink the more, will hereafter be 
my motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord, 
and to our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, 
I were now, I say, this very minute of an 
hour, well on shore, on terra firma, hale and 
easy. O twice and thrice happy those that 
plant cabbages! O Destinies, why did you not 
spin me for a cabbage-planter? O how few 
are there to whom Jupiter hath been so fa- 
vourable, as to predestinate them to plant 
cabbages! They have always one foot on the 
ground, and the other not far from it. Dispute 
who will of felicity, and snmmiim bontim, 12 
for my part, whosoever plants cabbages, is 
now, by my decree, proclaimed most happy; 
for as good a reason as the philosopher Pyr- 
rho, being in the same danger, and seeing a 
hog near the shore, eating some scattered 
oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, 
because it had plenty of oats, and besides 
that, was on shore. Ha, for a divine and 
princely habitation, commend me to the cow's 
floor. 

Murder! This wave will sweep us away, 
blessed Saviour! O my friends! a little vine- 
gar. I sweat again with mere agony. Alas, the 
mizen sail is split, the gallery is washed away, 
the masts are sprung, the main-top-mast-- 
head dives into the sea; the keel is up to the 
sun; our shrouds are almost all broke, and 
blown away. Alas! alas! where is our main 
course? Al is uerlooren, by Godt; our top- 
mast is run adrift. Alas! who shall have this 
wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one 
of these whales. Your lanthorn is fallen, my 
lads. Alas! do not let go the main tack nor the 
bowlin. I hear the block crack; is it broke? 
For the Lord's sake, let us have the hull, and 
let all the rigging be damned. Be, be, be, 
bous, bous, bous. Look to the needle of your 
compass, I beseech you, good Sir Astrophil, 
and tell us, if you can, whence comes this 
storm. My heart's sunk down below my mid- 
riff. By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, 
bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost forever. I con- 
skite myself for mere madness and fear. Bou, 
bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, 
bou, ou, on, ou, bou, bou, bous. I sink, I am 
drowned, I am gone, good people, I am 
drowned. 



PANTAGRUEL 



261 



CHAPTER 19 



What countenances Panurge and Friar John 
kept during the storm 

PANTAGRUEL, having first implored the help 
of the great and Almighty Deliverer, and 
prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the 
pilot's advice held tightly the mast of the 
ship. Friar John had stripped himself to his 
waistcoat, to help the seamen. Epistemon, 
Ponocrates, and the rest did as much. Pan- 
urge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weep- 
ing and howling. Friar John espied him going 
on the quarter-deck, and said to him, Od- 
zoons! Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, 
Panurge the braver, would it not become thee 
much better to lend us here a helping hand, 
than to lie lowing like a cow, as thou dost, sit- 
ting on thy stones like a bald-breeched ba- 
boon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned 
Panurge; Friar John, my friend, my good fa- 
ther, I am drowning, my dear friend! I 
drown! I am a dead man, my dear father in 
God, I am a dead man, my friend: your cut- 
ting hanger cannot save me from this: alas! 
alas! we are above e la. Above the pitch, out 
of tune, and off the hinges. Be, be, be, bou, 
bous. Alas! we are now above g sol re tit. I 
sink, I sink, ha, my father, my uncle, my all. 
The water is got into my shoes by the collar; 
bous, bous, bous, paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, 
he, ha, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! alas! Hu, hu, 
hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bo- 
bous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, alas! alas! 
Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand 
higher than my head. Would to heaven I 
were now with those good holy fathers bound 
for the council, whom we met this morning, 
so godly, so fat, so merry, so plump, and 
comely. Holos, nolos, holas, holas, alas! This 
devilish wave, (mca culpa Deus,) I mean 
this wave of God, will sink our vessel. Alas, 
Friar John, my father, my friend, confession. 
Here I am down on my knees; confiteor; 14 
your holy blessing. Come hither and be 
damned, thou pitiful devil, and help us, said 
Friar, who fell a swearing and cursing like 
a tinker, in the name of thirty legions of 
black devils, come; will you come? Do not let 
us swear, at this time, said Panurge; holy fa- 
ther, my friend, do not swear, I beseech you; 
to-morrow as much as you please, Holos, 
holos, alas, our ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas! 
I will give eighteen hundred thousand crowns 
to any one that will set me on shore, all be- 
wrayed and bedaubed as I am now. If ever 



there was a man in my country in the like 
pickle. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testa- 
ment or codicil at least. A thousand devils 
seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, 
cried Friar John. Ods belly, art thou talking 
here of making thy will, now we are in dan- 
ger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps 
lustily, or never? Wilt thou come, ho devil? 
Midshipman, my friend; O the rare lieuten- 
ant; here Gymnast, here on the poop. We are, 
by the mass, all beshit now, our light is out. 
This is hastening to the devil as fast as it can. 
Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, 
alas, said Panurge, was it here we were born 
to perish? Oh! ho! good people I drown, I die. 
Consurnmatitm est. 15 1 am sped Magna, gna, 
gna, said Friar John. Fie upon him, how ugly 
the shitten howler looks. Boy, younker, see 
hoyh. Mind the pumps, or the devil choke 
thee. Hast thou hurt thyself? Zoons, here fas- 
ten it to one of these blocks. On this side, in 
the devil's name, hay so my boy. Ah, Friar 
John, said Panurge, good ghostly father, dear 
friend, do not let us swear, you sin. Oh, ho, 
oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I 
die, my friends. I die in charity with all the 
world. Farewell, in manus. Bohus, bohous, 
bhousowauswaus. St. Michael of Aure! St. 
Nicholas! now, now or never, I here make 
you a solemn vow, and to our Saviour, that if 
you stand by me this time, I mean if you set 
me ashore out of this danger, I will built you 
a fine large little chapel or two, between 
Cande and Monsoreau, where neither cow 
nor calf shall feed. Oh ho, oh ho. Above eigh- 
teen pailfuls or two of it are got down my gul- 
let; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damned 
bitter and salt it is! By the virtue, said Friar 
John, of the blood, the flesh, the belly, the 
head, if T hear thee again howling, thou cuck- 
oldy cur, I will maul thee worse than any sea 
wolf. Ods fish, why do not we take him up by 
the lugs and throw him overboard to the bot- 
tom of the sea? Here, sailor, ho honest fellow. 
Thus, thus, my friend, hold fast above. In 
truth here is a sad lightning and thundering; 
I think that all the devils are got loose; it is 
holiday with tliem; or else Madame Proser- 
pine is in child's labour: all the devils dance 
a morrice. 

CHAPTER 20 

How the Pilots were forsaking their ships in 
the greatest stress of weather 

OH, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my 
former crony! former, I say, for at this time I 



262 



RABELAIS 



am no more, you are no more. It goes against 
my heart to tell it you: for I believe this 
swearing doth your spleen a great deal of 
good; as it is a great ease to a wood cleaver to 
cry hem at every blow; and as one who plays 
at nine pins is wonderfully helped, if, when he 
hath not thrown his bowl right, and is like to 
make a bad cast, some ingenious stander by 
leans and screws his body half way about, on 
that side which the bowl should have took to 
hit the pin. Nevertheless you offend, my 
sweet friend. But what do you think of eating 
some kind of cabirotadoes? Would not this 
secure us from this storm? I have read, that in 
a storm at sea no harm ever befel the minis- 
ters of the gods Cabiri, so much celebrated 
by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecides, Strabo, 
Pausanias, and Herodotus. He dotes, he 
raves, the poor devil! A thousand, a million, 
nay, a hundred million of devils seize the 
hornified doddipole. Lend us a hand here, 
hoh, tiger, wouldst thou? Here, on the star- 
board side. Ods me, thou buffalo's head 
stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art 
thou muttering and chattering here between 
thy teeth? That devil of a sea calf is the cause 
of all this storm, and is the only man who 
doth not lend a helping hand. By G , if I 
come near thee, I'll fetch thce out by the head 
and ears with a vengeance, and chastise thee 
like any tempestative devil. Here mate, my 
lad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot. 
O brave boy! Would to heaven thou wert ab- 
bot of Talemouze, and that he that is were 
guardian of Croullay. Hold, brother Pono- 
crates, you will hurt yourself man. Episte- 
mon, pray thee stand off out of the hatchway. 
Methinks I saw the thunder fall there but just 
now. Con the ship, so ho Mind your steer- 
age. Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her 
thus, get the long boat clear steady. Ods fish, 
the beak-head is staved to pieces. Grumble, 
devils, fart, belch, shite, a turd on the wave. 
If this be weather, the devil is a ram. Nay, 
by G , a little more would have washed me 
clear away into the current. I think all the 
legions of devils hold here their provincial 
chapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wran- 
gling for the election of a new rector. Star- 
board; well said. Take heed; have a care of 
your noddle, lad, in the devil's name So ho, 
starboard, starboard. Be be, be, bous, bous, 
bous, cried Panurge, bous, bous, be, be, be, 
bous, bous, I am lost. I see neither heaven nor 
earth; of the four elements we have here only 
fire and water left. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, 



bous. Would it were the pleasure of the 
worthy divine bounty, that I were at this 
present hour in the close at Seville, or at In- 
nocent's, the pastry-cook, over against the 
painted wine vault at Chinon, though I were 
to strip to my doublet, and bake the petti- 
pasties myself. 

Honest man, could not you throw me 
ashore? you can do a world of good things, 
they say I give you all Salmigondinois, and 
my large shore full of whilks, cockles, and 
periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set 
foot on firm ground. Alas, alas, I drown. 
Harkee, my friends, since we cannot get safe 
into port, let us come to an anchor into some 
road, no matter whither. Drop all your an- 
chors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you. 
Here honest tar, get you into the chains, and 
heave the lead, if it please you. Let us know 
how many fathom water we are in. Sound, 
friend, in the Lord Harry's name. Let us 
know whether a man might here drink easily, 
without stooping. I am apt to believe one 
might. Helm a-lee, hoh, cried the pilot. 
Helm-a lee; a hand or two at the helm; about 
ships with her; helm a-lee; helm a-lee. Stand 
off from the leech of the sail. Hoh! belay, 
here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash 
sure the helm a-lee, and let her drive. Is it 
come to that? said Pantagruel: our Saviour 
then help us. Let her lie under the sea, cried 
James Brahicr, our chief mate, let her drive. 
To prayers, to prayers, let all think on their 
souls, and fall to prayers; nor hope to escape 
but by a miracle. Let us, said Panurge, make 
some good pious kind of vow: alas, alas, alas! 
bou, bou, be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, oho, 
oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim: come, 
come, let every man club his penny towards 
it, come on. Here, here, on this side, said 
Friar John, in the devil's name. Let her drive, 
for the Lord's sake unhang the rudder: hoh, 
let her drive, let her drive, and let us drink, 
I say, of the best and most cheering; do you 
hear, steward, produce, exhibit; for, do you 
see this, and all the rest will as well go to the 
devil out of hand. A pox on that wind-broker 
yEolus, with his fluster-blusters. Sirrah, page, 
bring me here my drawer (for so he called 
his breviary ) ; stay a little here, haul, friend, 
thus. Odzoons, here is a deal of hail and 
thunder to no purpose. Hold fast above, I 
pray you. When have we All-saints day? I 
believe it is the unholy holiday of all the dev- 
il's crew. Alas, said Panurge, Friar John 
damns himself here as black as buttermilk for 



PANTAGRUEL 



263 



the nonce. Oh what a good friend I lose in 
him. Alas, alas, this is another gats-bout than 
last year's. We are falling out of Scylla into 
Charybdis. Oho 1 1 drown. Confiteor; one poor 
word or two by way of testament, Friar John, 
my ghostly father; good Mr. Abstractor, my 
crony, my Achates, Xenomanes, my all. Alasl 
I drown; two words of testament here upon 
this ladder. 

CHAPTER 21 

A continuation of the storm, with a short dis- 
course on the subject of making testaments 
at sea 

To make one's last will, said Epistemon, at 
this time that we ought to bestir ourselves 
and help our seamen, on the penalty of being 
drowned, seems to me as idle and ridiculous 
a maggot as that of some of Cuesar's men, 
who, at their coming into the Gauls, were 
mightily busied in making wills and codicils; 
bemoaned their fortune, and the absence of 
their spouses and friends at Rome; when it 
was absolutely necessary for them to run to 
their arms, and use their utmost strength 
against Ariovistus their enemy. 

This also is to be as silly, as that jolt-head- 
ed loblolly of a carter, who, having laid his 
waggon fast in a slough, down on his mar- 
row-bones, was calling on the strong-backed 
deity, Hercules, might and main, to help him 
at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad 
on his oxen, and lay his shoulder to the wheels, 
as it behoved him: as if a Lord have mercy 
upon us, alone, would have got his cart out 
of the mire. 

What will it signify to make your will now? 
for either we shall come off or drown for it. 
If we escape, it will not signify a straw to us; 
for testaments arc of no value or authority, 
but by the death of the testators. If we are 
drowned, will it not be drowned too? Pr'ythee 
who will transmit it to the executors? Some 
kind wave will throw it ashore, like Ulysses, 
replied Panurge; and some king's daughter, 
going to fetch a walk in the fresco, on the eve- 
ning, will find it, and take care to have it 
proved and fulfilled; nay, and have some 
stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as 
Dido had to that of her good man Sichaeus; 
/Eneas to Deiphobus, upon the Trojan shore, 
near Rhcete! Andromache to Hector, in the 
city of Buthrotus; Aristotle to Hermias and 
Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euri- 
pides; the Romans to Drusus in Germany, 



and to Alexander Severus, their emperor, in 
the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xeno- 
crates to Lysidices; Timares to his son Teleu- 
tagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their son 
Theotimus; Onestus to Timocles; Callima- 
chus to Sopolis, the son of Dioclides; Catullus 
to his brother; Statins to his father; Germain 
of Brie to Herve, the Breton tarpaulin. Art 
thou mad, said Friar John, to run on at this 
rate? Help, here, in the name of five hundred 
thousand millions of cart-loads of devils, 
help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, 
and the three rows of pock-royals and cauli- 
flowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel, in- 
stead of breeches and cod-piece. Codsooks 
our ship is almost overset. Ods death, how 
shall we clear her? it is well if she do not 
founder. What a devilish sea there runs! She 
will neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake 
her, so we shall never escape; the devil es- 
cape me. Then Pantagruel was heard to make 
a sad exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, 
Lord save us, we perish; yet not as we would 
have it, but thy holy will be clone. The Lord 
and the blessed Virgin be with us, said Pan- 
urge. Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, be 
bous, bous: in mantis. Good heavens, send me 
some dolphin to carry me safe on shore, like a 
pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound 
the harp, if it be not unstrung. Let nineteen 
legions of black devils seize me, said Friar 
John, (the Lord be with us, whispered Pan- 
urge, between his chattering teeth. ) If I come 
down to thce, I will show thce to some pur- 
pose, that the badge of thy humanity dangles 
at a calf's breech, thou ragged, horned, cuck- 
oldy booby: mgna, mgnan, mgnan: come 
hither and help us, thou great weeping calf, 
or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee. 
Wilt thou come, sea-calf? Fie! how ugly the 
howling whelp looks. What, always the same 
ditty? Come on now, my bonny drawer. This 
he said, opening his breviary. Come forward, 
thou and I must be somewhat serious for a 
while; let me peruse thee stiffly. Beatus vir 
qui non abiit. 11 Pshaw, I know all this by 
heart; let us sqe the legend of Mons. St. 
Nicholas. 

Horrida tempestas montem turbavit 
acutum. 18 

Tempeste was a mighty flogger of lads, at 
Mountaigu College. If pendants be damned 
for whipping poor little innocent wretches 
their scholars, he is, upon my honour, by this 



264 



RABELAIS 



time fixed within Ixion's wheel, lashing the 
crop-eared, bob-tailed cur that gives it mo- 
tion. If they are saved for having whipped in- 
nocent lads, he ought to be above the 

CHAPTER 22 

An end of the storm 

SHORE, shore! cried Pantagruel. Land ho, my 
friends, I see land! Pluck up a good spirit, 
boys, it is within a kenning. So! we are not 
far from a port. I see the sky clearing up to 
the northwards. Look to the south-east! 
Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she 
will bear the hullock of a sail : the sea is much 
smoother; some hands aloft to the main top. 
Put the helm a-weather. Steady! steady! Haul 
your after mizen bowlings. Haul, haul, haul! 
Thus, thus, and no near. Mind your steerage; 
bring your main tack aboard Clear your 
sheets; clear your bowlings; port, port. Helm 
a-lee. Now to the sheet on the starboard side, 
thou son of a whore. Thou art mightily 
pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with 
hearing make mention of thy mother. Luff, 
luff, cried the quartermaster that conned the 
ship, keep her full, luff the helm. Luff. It is, 
answered the steersman. Keep her thus. Get 
the bonnets fixed. Steady, steady. 

That is well said, said Friar John; now, this 
is something like a tansey. Come, come, 
come, children, be nimble. Good. Luff, luff, 
thus. Helm a-weather. That is well said and 
thought on. Methinks the storm is almost 
over. It was high time, faith: however, the 
Lord be thanked. Our devils begin to scam- 
per. Out with all your sails. Hoist your sails. 
Hoist. That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. 
Here, a God's name, honest Ponocrates; thou 
art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get 
none but boys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable 
fellow. Run up to the fore-top sail. Thus, 
thus. Well said, i faith; thus, thus. I dare not 
fear anything all this while, for it is holiday. 
Vea, vea, vea! huzza! This shout of the sea- 
man is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holi- 
day. Keep her full thus. Good. Cheer up my 
merry mates, all, cried out Epistemon; I see 
already Castor on the right. Be, be, bous, 
bous, bous, said Panurge, I am much afraid it 
is the bitch Helen. It is truly Mixarchagenas, 
returned Epistemon, if thou likest better that 
denomination, which the Argives give him. 
Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the 
harbour: I see a good many people on the 
beach: I see a light on an obeliscolychny. 



Shorten your sails, said the pilot; fetch the 
sounding line; we must double that point of 
land, and mind the sands. We are clear of 
them, said the sailors. Soon after, Away she 
goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of 
our fleet; help came in good season. 

By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke 
somewhat like: O the sweet word! there is 
the soul of music in it. Mgna, mgna, mgna, 
said Friar John; if ever thou taste a drop of it, 
let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballocky 
devil. Here, honest soul, here is a full sneaker 
of the very best. Bring the flagons : dost hear, 
Gymnast? and that same large pasty jambic, 
or gammonic, even as you will have it. Take 
heed you pilot her in right. 

Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up 
my boys: let us be ourselves again. Do you 
see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three 
sloops, five ships, eight pinks, four yawls, 
and six frigates, making towards us, sent by 
the good people of the neighbouring island to 
our relief? But who is this Ucalegon below, 
that cried, and makes such a sad moan? Were 
it not that I hold the mast firmly with both 
my hands, and keep it straighter than two 

hundred tacklings I would It is, said Friar 

John, that poor devil, Panurge, who is trou- 
bled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear 
when his belly is full. If, said Pantagruel, he 
hath been afraid during this dreadful hurri- 
cane and dangerous storm, provided he hath 
done his part like a man, I do not value him a 
jot the less for it. For as, to fear in all en- 
counters, is the mark of a heavy and coward- 
ly heart; as Agamemnon did, who, for that 
reason, is ignominiously taxed by Achilles 
with having dog's eyes, and a stag's heart: so, 
not to fear when the case is evidently dread- 
ful, is a sign of want or smallness of judg- 
ment. Now, if anything ought to be feared in 
this life, next to offending God, I will not say 
it is death. I will not meddle with the dis- 
putes of Socrates and the academics, that 
death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared; 
but, I will affirm, that this kind of shipwreck 
is to be feared, or nothing is. For, as Homer 
saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatur- 
al thing, to perish at sea. And, indeed, ./Eneas, 
in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, 
was grieved that he had not died by the hand 
of the brave Diomedes; and said that those 
were three, nay four times happy, who prr- 
ished in the conflagration at Troy. No man 
here hath lost his life, the Lord our Saviour 
be eternally praised for it: but in truth here 



PANTAGRUEL 



265 



is a ship sadly out of order. Well, we must 
take care to have the damage repaired. Take 
heed we do not run aground and bulge her. 



CHAPTER 23 

How Panurge played the good fellow when 
the storm was over 

WHAT cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Pan- 
urge. Oh ho! all is well, the storm is over. I 
beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the 
first that is sent on shore; for I would by all 
means a little untruss a point. Shall I help you 
still? Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I 
have plenty of courage, and of fear as little as 
may be. Give it me yonder, honest tar. No, 
no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed, that same 
dccumanc wave, that took us fore and aft, 
somewhat altered my pulse. Down with your 
sails; well said. How now, Friar John? you do 
nothing. Is it time for us to drink now? Who 
can tell but St. Martin's running footman may 
still be hatching us some further mischief? 
shall I come and help you again? Pork and 
peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though 
too late, not having followed the doctrine of 
the good philosopher, who tells us that to 
walk by the sea, and to navigate by the shore, 
are very safe and pleasant things: just as it 
is to go on foot, when we hold our horse 
by the bridle. Ha! ha! ha! by C- all goes 
well. Shall I help you here too? Let me sec, 
I will do this as it should be, or the devil 
is in it. 

Epistemon, who had the inside of one of 
his hands all flayed and bloody, having held 
a tackling with might and main, hearing what 
Pantagruel had said, told him: You may be- 
lieve me, lord, I had my share of fear as well 
as Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending 
my helping hand. I considered, that since by 
fatal and unavoidable necessity, we must all 
die, it is the blessed will of God that we die 
this or that hour, and this or that kind of 
death: nevertheless we ought to implore, 
invoke, pray, beseech, and supplicate him: 
but we must not stop there; it behoveth us 
also to use our endeavours on our side, and, 
as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with 
him. 

You know what C. Flaminius, the consul 
said, when by Hannibal's policy he was 
penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias 
Thrasymene. Friends, said he to his soldiers, 
you must not hope to get out of this place 



barely by vows or prayers to the gods; no, it 
is by fortitude and strength we must escape 
and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our 
swords through the midst of our enemies. 

Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say 
this : The help of the gods is not obtained by 
idle vows and womanish complaints; it is by 
vigilance, labour, and repeated endeavours, 
that all things succeed according to our wish- 
es and designs. If a man, in time of need and 
danger, is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in 
vain he implores the gods; they are then just- 
ly angry and incensed against him. The devil 
take me, said Friar John (I'll go his halves, 
quoth Panurge), if the close of Seville had 
not been all gathered, vintagcd, gleaned, and 
destroyed, if I had only sung contra hostium 
insidins 19 (matter of breviary) like all the rest 
of the monkish devils, and had not bestirred 
myself to save the vineyard as I did, dispatch- 
ing the truant picaroons of Lerne with the 
staff of the cross. 

Let her sink or swim a God's name, said 
Panurge, all's one to Friar John; he doth noth- 
ing; his name is Friar John Dolittle; for all he 
sees me here sweating and puffing to help 
with all my might this honest tar, first of the 
name. Hark you me, dear soul, a word with 
you, but pray be not angry. How thick do 
you judge the planks of our ship to be? Some 
two good inches and upwards, returned the 
pilot; don't fear. Odskilderkins, said Panurge, 
it seems then we are within two fingers' 
breadth of damnation. 

Is this one of the nine comforts of matri- 
mony? Ah, dear soul, you do well to measure 
the danger by the yard of fear. For my part, 
I have none on't: my name is William Dread- 
nought. As for my heart, I have more than 
enough on't; I mean none of your sheep's 
heart; but of wolf's heart; the courage of a 
bravo. By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing 
but danger. 

CHAPTER 24 

How Panurge^ was said to have been afraid 
without reason, during the storm 

GOOD morrow, gentlemen said Panurge, good 
morrow to you all: you are in very good 
health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; 
you are all heartily welcome, and in good 
time. Let us go on shore. Here cockswain, 
get the ladder over the gunnel; man the sides: 
man the pinnace, and get her by the ship's 
side. Shall I lend you a hand here? I am stark 



266 



RABELAIS 



mad for want of business, and would work 
like any two yokes of oxen. Truly this is a fine 
place, and these look like a very good people. 
Children, do you want me still in anything? 
do not spare the sweat of my body, for God's 
sake. Adam this is man was made to labour 
and work, as the birds were made to fly. Our 
Lord's will is, that we get our bread with the 
sweat of our brows, not idling and doing 
nothing, like this tatterdamallion of a monk 
here, this Friar Jack, who is fain to drink to 
hearten himself up, and dies for fear. Rare 
weather. I now find the answer of Anachar- 
sis, the noble philosopher, very proper : being 
asked what ship he reckoned the safest? he 
replied, That which is in the harbour. He 
made yet a better repartee, said Pantagruel, 
when somebody inquiring which is greater, 
the number of the living or that of the dead? 
he asked them, amongst which of the two 
they reckoned those that are at sea? ingeni- 
ously implying, that they are continually in 
danger of death, dying live, and living die. 
Portius Cato also said, that there were but 
three things of which he would repent; if 
ever he had trusted his wife with his secret, 
if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever 
gone by sea to a place which he could visit 
by land. By this dignified frock of mine, said 
Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hast been 
afraid during the storm, without cause or rea- 
son: for thou wert not born to be drowned, 
but rather to be hanged, and exalted in the 
air, or to be roasted in the midst of a jolly 
bonfire. My lord, would you have a good 
cloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and 
badger-skin mantle: let Panurge but be 
flayed, and cover yourself with his hide. But 
do not come near the fire, nor near your 
blacksmith's forges, a God's name; for in a 
moment you will see it in ashes. Yet be as 
long as you please in the rain, snow, hail, nay 
by the devil's maker, throw yourself, or dive 
down to the very bottom of the water, I'll en- 
gage you'll not be wet at all. Have some win- 
ter boots made of it, they'll never take in a 
drop of water: make bladders of it to lay un- 
der boys, to teach them to swim, instead of 
corks, and they will learn without the least 
danger. His skin, then, said Pantagruel, 
should be like the herb called true maiden's 
hair, which never takes wet nor moistness, 
but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the 
bottom of the water as long as you please; 
and for that reason is called Adiantos. 
Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray 



thee never be afraid of water: thy life for 
mine thou art threatened with a contrary ele- 
ment. Ay, ay, replied Panurge, but the dev- 
il's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make 
horrid blunders as well as others : often put- 
ting to boil in water, what was designed to be 
roasted on the fire : like the head cooks of our 
kitchen, who often lard partridges, queests, 
and stock-doves, with intent to roast them, 
one would think; but it happens sometimes, 
that they even turn the partridges into the 
pot, to be boiled with cabbages, the queests 
with leek pottage, and the stock-doves with 
turnips. But hark you me, good friends, I 
protest before this noble company, that as for 
the chapel which I vowed to Mons. St. Nich- 
olas, between, Cande and Monsoreau, I hon- 
estly mean that it shall be a chapel of rose- 
water, which shall be where neither cow nor 
calf shall be fed: for between you and I, I in- 
tend to throw it to the bottom of the water. 
Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthencs: 
here is a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue 
enough, a rogue and a half. He is resolved to 
make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato il 
pcricolo, gabbato il santo. 

The devil was sick, the devil a monk would 

be 
The devil was well, the devil a monk was he. 



CHAPTER 25 

How, after ilie storm, Pantagruel went on 
shore in the Island of the Macreons 

IMMEDIATELY after, he went ashore at the 
port of an island which they called the island 
of the Macreons. The good people of the 
place received us very honourably. An old 
Macrobius (so they called their eldest elder- 
man) desired Pantagruel to come to the 
town-house to refresh himself, and eat some- 
thing: but he would not budge a foot from 
the mole till all his men were landed. After he 
had seen them, he gave order that they 
should all change clothes, and that some of 
all the stores in the fleet should be brought 
on shore, that every ship's crew might live 
well: which was accordingly done, and God 
wot how well they all toped and caroused. 
The people of the place brought them provi- 
sions iu abundance. The Pantagruelists re- 
turned them more: as the truth is their's were 
somewhat damaged by the late storm. When 
they had well-stuffed the insides of their 



PANTAGRUEL 



267 



doublets, Pantagruel desired every one to 
lend their help to repair the damage; which 
they readily aid. It was easy enough to refit 
there; for all the inhabitants of the island 
were carpenters, and all such handicrafts as 
are seen in the arsenal at Venice. None but 
the largest island was inhabited, having three 
ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun 
with wood, and desert, much like the forest 
of Arden. We entreated the old Macrobius 
to show us what was worth seeing in the is- 
land; which he did; and in the desert and 
dark forest we discovered several old ruined 
temples, obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and 
ancient tombs, with divers inscriptions and 
epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic char- 
acters; others in the Ionic dialect; some in 
the Arabic, Agarenian, Sclavonian, and oth- 
er tongues; of which Epistemon took an ex- 
act account. In the interim, Panurge said to 
Friar John, Is this the island of the Macreons? 
Macreon signifies in Greek an old man, or one 
much stricken in years. What is that to me, 
said Friar John, how can I help it? I was not 
in the country when they christened it. Now 
I think on it, quoth Panurge, I believe the 
name of mackerel (that is a bawd in French) 
was derived from it: for procuring is the 
province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that 
of the young. Therefore I do not know but 
this may be the bawdy or Mackerel island, 
the original and prototype of the island of 
that name at Paris. Let us go and dredge for 
cock-oysters. Old Macrobius asked, in the Io- 
nic tongue, How, and by what industry and 
labour, Pantagruel got to their port that day, 
there having been such blustering weather, 
and such a dreadful storm at sea. Pantagruel 
told him that the Almighty Preserver of man- 
kind had regarded the simplicity and sincere 
affection of his servants, who did not travel 
for gain or sordid profit; the sole design of 
their voyage being a studious desire to know, 
see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and take 
the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties 
offered by one of the company: nevertheless 
this had not been without great affliction, and 
evident danger of shipwreck. After that, he 
asked him what he judged to be the cause of 
that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas 
were thus frequently subject to storms; as in 
the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu, Mau- 
musson, and in the Mediterranean sea the 
gulph of Sataly, Montargentan, Piombino, 
Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibral- 
tar, Faro di Messina, and others. 



CHAPTER 26 



How iJie good Macrobius gave us an account 
of the Mansion and Decease of the Heroes 

THE good Macrobius then answered, 
Friendly strangers, this island is one of the 
Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the 
Carpathian sea, but one of the Sporades of 
the ocean: in former times rich, frequented, 
wealthy, populous, full of traffic, and in the 
dominions of the rulers of Britain, but now, 
by course of time, and in these latter ages of 
the world, poor and desolate, as you see. In 
this dark forest, above seventy-eight thou- 
sand Persian leagues in compass, is the dwell- 
ing-place of the demons and heroes, that are 
grown old, and we believed that some one of 
them died yesterday; since the comet, which 
we saw for three days before together, shines 
no more: and now it is likely, that at his death 
there arose this horrible storm; for while they 
are alive all happiness attends both this and 
the adjacent islands, and a settled calm and 
serenity. At the death of every one of them, 
we commonly hear in the forest, loud and 
mournful groans, and the whole land is in- 
fested with pestilence, earthquakes, inunda- 
tions, and other calamities; the air with fogs 
and obscurity, and the sea with storms and 
hurricanes. What you tell us, seems to me 
likely enough, said Pantagruel. For, as a 
torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough 
and is lighted, shines round about, disperses 
its light, delights those that are near it, yields 
them its service and clearness, and never 
causes any pain or displeasure; but as soon 
as it is extinguished, its smoke and evapora- 
tion infect the air, offend the by-standers, and 
are noisome to all: so, as long as those noble 
and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, 
peace, profit, pleasure, and honour never 
leave the places where they abide; but as 
soon as they leave them, both the continent 
and adjacent islands are annoyed with great 
commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thun- 
der, hail; tremblings, pulsations, agitations of 
the earth; storms and hurricanes at sea; to- 
gether with sad complaints amongst the peo- 
ple, broaching of religions, changes in gov- 
ernments, and ruins of commonwealths. 

We had a sad instance of this lately, said 
Epistemon, at the death of that valiant and 
learned knight, William clu Bellay; during 
whose life France enjoyed so much happi- 
ness, that all the rest of the world looked 
upon it with envy, sought friendship with it, 



268 



RABELAIS 



and stood in awe of its power; but now, after 
his decease, it hath for a considerable time 
been the scorn of the rest of the world. 

Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being 
dead at Drepani, in Sicily, AZne&s was dread- 
fully tossed and endangered by a storm; and 
perhaps for the same reason, Herod, that ty- 
rant and cruel King of Judea, finding himself 
near the passage of a horrid kind of death, 
for he died of a phthiriasis, devoured by ver- 
min and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, 
Pherecydes, the Syrian, the preceptor of Py- 
thagoras, the Greek poet Alcmueon, and oth- 
ers, and foreseeing that the Jews would 
make bonfires at his death, caused all the no- 
bles and magistrates to be summoned to his 
seraglio, out of all the cities, towns, and cas- 
tles of Judea, fraudulently pretending that he 
had some things of moment to impart to 
them. They made their personal appearance; 
whereupon he caused them all to be shut up 
in the hippodrome of the seraglio; then said 
to his sister Salome, and Alexander her hus- 
band: I am certain that the Jews will rejoice 
at my death; but if you will observe and per- 
form what I tell you, my funeral shall be hon- 
ourable, and there will be a general mourn- 
ing. As soon as you see me dead, let my 
guards, to whom I have already given strict 
commission to that purpose, kill all the noble- 
men and magistrates that are secured in the 
hippodrome. By these means, all Jewry shall, 
in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn 
and lament, and foreigners will imagine it to 
be for my death, as if some heroic soul had 
left her body. A desperate tyrant wished as 
much when he said, When I die, let earth 
and fire be mixed together; which was as 
good as to say, let the whole world perish. 
Which saying the tyrant Nero altered, saying, 
While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This de- 
testable saying, of which Cicero, lib. De Fi- 
nib. and Seneca, lib. 2, De dementia, make 
mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius, 
by Dion Nica?us and Suidas. 

CHAPTER 27 

PantagrucTs discourse of the decease of hero- 
ic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies that 
happened before the death of the late Lord 
de Langey 

I WOULD not, continued Pantagruel, have 
missed the storm that hath thus disordered 
us, were I also to have missed the relation of 
these things told us by this good Macrobius. 



Neither am I unwilling to believe what he 
said of a comet that appears in the sky some 
days before such a decease. For some of these 
souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic 
that heaven gives us notice of their departing 
some days before it happens. And as a pru- 
dent physician, seeing by some symptoms 
that his patient draws towards his end, some 
days before, gives notice of it to his wife, chil- 
dren, kindred, and friends, that, in that little 
time he hath yet to live, they may admonish 
him to settle all things in his family, to tutor 
and instruct his children as much as he can, 
recommend his relict to his friends in her 
widowhood, and declare what he knows to 
be necessary about a provision for the or- 
phans; that he may not be surprised by death 
without making his will, and may take care of 
his soul and family: in the same manner the 
heavens, as it were, joyful for the approach- 
ing reception of those blessed souls, seem to 
make bonfires by those cornets and blazing 
meteors, which they at the same time kindly 
design should prognosticate to us here, that 
in a few days one of those venerable souls is 
to leave her body, and this terrestrial globe. 
Not altogether unlike this was what was for- 
merly done at Athens, by the judges of the 
Areopagus. For when they gave their verdict 
to cast or clear the culprits that were tried be- 
fore them, they used certain notes according 
to the substance of the sentences; by , sig- 
nifying sentence to death; by T , absolution; 
by A , ampliation or a demur, when the case 
was not sufficiently examined. Thus having 
publicly set up those letters, they eased the 
relations and friends of the prisoners, and 
such others as desired to know their doom, of 
their doubts. Likewise by these comets, as in 
a?therial characters, the heavens silently say 
to us, Make haste mortals, if you would know 
or learn of the blessed souls any thing con- 
cerning the public good, or your private in- 
terest; for their catastrophe is near, which 
being past, you will vainly wish for them 
afterwards. 

The good-natured heavens still do more: 
and that mankind may be declared unworthy 
of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, 
they fright and astonish us with prodigies, 
monsters, and other foreboding signs, that 
thwart the order of nature. 

Of this we had an instance several days be- 
fore the decease of the heroic soul of the 
learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of 
whom you have already spoken, I remember 



PANTAGRUEL 



it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trem- 
bles within me, when I think on the many 
dreadful prodigies that we saw five or six 
days before he died. For the Lords D'Assier, 
Chemant, one-eyed Mailly, St. Ayl, Ville- 
neufve-la-Guart, Master Gabriel, physician 
of Savillan, Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Ma- 
jorici, Ballou, Cercu alias Bourgmaistre, Fran- 
cis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis 
Bourre", and many other friends and servants 
to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each 
other without uttering one word; yet not 
without foreseeing that France would in a 
short time be deprived of a knight so accom- 
plished, and necessary for its glory and pro- 
tection, arid that heaven claimed him again 
as its due. By the tufted tip of my cowl, cried 
Friar John, I am even resolved to become a 
scholar before I die. I have a pretty good 
head-piece of my own, you must confess. 
Now pray give me leave to ask a civil ques- 
tion. Can these same heroes or demigods you 
talk of, die? May I never be damned, if I was 
not so much a lobcock as to believe they had 
been immortal, like so many fine angels. 
Heaven forgive me! but this most reverend 
father, Macrobius, tells us they die at last. 
Not all, returned Pantagruel. 

The stoics held them all to be mortal, ex- 
cept one, who alone is immortal, impassable, 
invisible. Pindar plainly saith, that there is 
no more thread, that is to say, no more life, 
spun from the distaff and flax of the hard- 
hearted fates for the goddesses Hamadry- 
ades, than there is for those trees that are pre- 
served by them, which are good, sturdy, 
downright oaks; whence they derived their 
original, according to the opinion of Calli- 
machus, and Pausanias in Phoci. With whom 
concurs Martianus Capella. As for the demi- 
gods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, a?gi- 
pancs, nymphs, heroes, and demons, several 
men have, from the total sum, which is the 
result of the divers ages calculated by Hesiod, 
reckoned their life to be 9720 years : that sum 
consisting of four special numbers orderly 
arising from one, the same added together, 
and multiplied by four every way, amounts to 
forty; these forties, being reduced into tri- 
angles by five times, make up the total of the 
aforesaid number. See Plutarch, in his book 
about the Cessation of Oracles. 

This, said Friar John, is not matter of brev- 
iary; I may believe as little or as much of it 
as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagru- 
el, that all intellectual souls are exempted 



from Atropos's scissors. They are all immor- 
tal, whether they be of angels, of demons, or 
human: yet I will tell you a story concerning 
this, that is very strange, but is written and 
affirmed by several learned historians. 

CHAPTER 28 

How Pantagruel related a very sad story of 
the Death of the Heroes 

EPITHERSES, the father of ^milian the rhet- 
orician, sailing from Greece to Italy, in a ship 
freighted with divers goods and passengers, 
at night the wind failed them near the Echin- 
ades, some islands that lie between the Mo- 
rea and Tunis, and the vessel was driven near 
Paxos. When they got thither, some of the 
passengers being asleep, others awake, the 
rest eating and drinking, a voice was heard 
that called aloud, Thamous! which cry sur- 
prised them all. This same Thamous was their 
pilot, an Egyptian by birth, but known by 
name only to some few travellers. The voice 
was heard a second time, calling Thamous, in 
a frightful tone; and none making answer, 
but trembling, and remaining silent, the voice 
was heard a third time, more dreadful than 
before. 

This caused Thamous to answer: Here am 
I; what dost thou call me for? What wilt thou 
have me do? Then the voice, louder than be- 
fore, bid him publish, when he should come 
to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead. 

Epitherses related that all the mariners 
and passengers, having heard this, were ex- 
tremely amazed and frighted; and that con- 
sulting among themselves, whether they had 
best conceal or divulge what the voice had 
enjoined; Thamous said, his advice was, that 
if they happened to have a fair wind, they 
should proceed without mentioning a word 
of it, but if they chanced to be becalmed, he 
would publish what he had heard. Now when 
they were near Palodes, they had no wind, 
neither were they in any current. Thamous 
then getting up on the top of the ship's fore- 
castle and casting his eyes on the shore, said 
that he had been commanded to proclaim 
that the great god Pan was dead. The words 
were hardly out of his mouth, when deep 
groans, great lamentations, and doleful 
shrieks, not of one person, but of many to- 
gether, were heard from the land. 

The news of this many being present- 
was soon spread at Rome; insomuch that Ti- 
berius, who was then emperor, sent for this 



270 



RABELAIS 



Thamous, and having heard him, gave credit 
to his words. And inquiring of the learned in 
his court, arid at Rome, who was that Pan? he 
found by their relation that he was the son of 
Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and 
Cicero in his third book of The Nature of the 
Gods had written before. 

For my part, I understand it of that great 
Saviour of the faithful, who was shamefully 
put to death at Jerusalem, by the envy and 
wickedness of the doctors, priests, and monks 
of the Mosaic law. And methinks, my inter- 
pretation is not improper; for he may lawfully 
be said in the Greek tongue to be Pan, since 
he is our all. For all that we are, all that we 
live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, 
by him, from him, and in him. He is the god 
Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving 
shepherd Coryclon affirms, hath not only a 
tender love and affection for his sheep, but 
also for their shepherds. At his death, com- 
plaints, sighs, fears, and lamentations were 
spread through the whole fabric of the uni- 
verse, whether heavens, land, sea or hell. 

The time also concurs with this interpreta- 
tion of mine; for this most good, most mighty 
Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem, 
during the reign of Tiberius Cresar. 

Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, 
remained silent, and full of contemplation. 
A little while after, we saw the tears flow out 
of his eyes as big as ostrich's eggs. God take 
me presently, if I tell you one single syllable 
of a lie in the matter. 

CHAPTER 29 

How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking 
Island, where Shrovetide reigned 

THE jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, 
new stores taken in, the Macreons over and 
above satisfied and pleased with the money 
spent there by Pantagruel, our men in better 
humour than they used to be, if possible, we 
merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, 
with a delicious fresh gale. 

Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneak- 
ing Island, where reigned Shrovetide of 
whom Pantagruel had heard much talk for- 
merly: for that reason he would gladly have 
seen him in person, had not Xenomanes ad- 
vised him to the contrary: first, because this 
would have been much out of our way: and 
then for the lean cheer, (manger maigre,) 
which he told us was to be found at that 
prince's court, and indeed all over the island. 



You can see nothing there for your money, 
said he, but a huge greedy guts, a tall woundy 
swallower of hot wardens and muscles; 
a long-shanked mole-catcher; an overgrown 
bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, 
with a double shaven crown, of lantern 
breed; a very great loitering noddy-peaked 
youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating 
tribe, dictator of mustard land, flogger of 
little children, calciner of ashes, father and 
foster-father to physicians; swarming with 
pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very 
honest man; a good catholic, and as brimful 
of devotion as ever he can hold. 

He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, 
and never assists at any weddings; but, give 
the devil his due, he is the most industrious 
larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty king- 
doms. 

About six years ago, as I passed through 
Sneaking-land, I brought home a large skew- 
er from thence, and made a present of it to 
the butchers of Quande, who set a great val- 
ue upon them, and that for a cause. Some 
time or other, if ever we live to come back to 
our own country, I will show you two of 
them fastened on the great church porch. His 
usual food is pickled coats of mail, salt hel- 
mets and headpieces, and salt sallads; which 
sometimes makes him piss pins and needles. 
As for his clothing, it is comical enough of 
conscience, both for make and colour; for he 
wears grey and cold, nothing before, and 
nought behind, with the sleeves of the same. 

You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, 
if, as you have described his clothes, food, ac- 
tions, and pastimes, you will also give me an 
account of his shape and disposition in all its 
parts. Prithee do, dear cod, said Friar John, 
for I have found him in my breviary, and 
then follows the moveable holy-days. With 
all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may 
chance to hear more of him as we touch at the 
Wild Island, the dominions of the squab 
Chitterlings, his enemies; against whom he is 
eternally at odds : and were it not for the help 
of the noble Carnival, their protector, and 
good neighbour, this meagre-looking Shrove- 
tide would long before this have made sad 
work among them, and rooted them out of 
their habitation. Are these same Chitterlings, 
said Friar John, male or female, angels, or 
mortals, women or maids? They are, replied 
Xenomanes, females in sex, mortal in condi- 
tion, some of them maids, others not. The 
devil have me, said Friar John, if I be not for 



PANTAGRUEL 



271 



them. What a shameful disorder in nature, is 
it not, to make war against women? Let us go 
back, and hack the villain to pieces. What! 
meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in 
the name of Belzebub, I am not yet so weary 
of my life. No, I am not yet so mad as that 
comes to. Quid juris? 20 Suppose we should 
find ourselves pent up between the Chitter- 
lings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and 
the hammers? Shankers and buboes stand 
off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way. 
I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; 
I recommend to you the Chitterlings, and 
pray don't forget the puddings. 

CHAPTER 30 

How Shrovetide is anatomized and described 
by Xenomanes 

As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said 
Xenomanes; his brain is (at least it was in my 
time) in bigness, colours, substance, and 
strength, much like the left cod of a he hand- 



The ventricles of his said brain like an auger. 
The worm-like excrescence, like a christmas- 

box. 

The membranes, like a monk's cowl. 
The funnel, like a mason's chisel. 
The fornix, like a casket. 
The glandula pinealis, like a bag-pipe. 
The rete mirabile, like a gutter. 
The dug-like processes, like a patch. 
The tympanums, like a whirly-gig. 
The rocky bones, like a goose-wing. 
The nape of the neck, like a paper lantern. 
The nerves, like a pipkin. 
The uvula, like a sackbut. 
The palate, like a mitten. 
The spittle, like a shuttle. 
The almonds, like a telescope. 
The bridge of his nose, like a wheelbarrow. 
The head of the larynx, like a vintage-basket. 
The stomach, like a belt. 
The pylorus, like a pitchfork. 
The wind-pipe, like an oyster-knife. 
The throat, like a pincushion stuffed with 

oakum. 

The lungs, like a prebend's furgown. 
The heart, like a cope. 
The mediastine, like an earthen cup. 
The pleura, like a crow's bill. 
The arteries, like a watch-coat. 
The midriff, like a montero-cap. 
The liver, like a double-tongued mattock. 



The veins, like a sash-window. 

The spleen, like a catcall. 

The guts, like a trammel. 

The gall, like a cooper's adze. 

The entrails, like a gantlet. 

The mesentery, like an abbot's mitre. 

The hungry-gut, like a button. 

The blind gut like a breast-plate. 

The colon like a bridle. 

The arse-gut like a monk's leathern bottle. 

The kidneys, like a trowel. 

The loins, like a padlock. 

The ureters, like a pot-hook. 

The emulgent veins, like two gilli-flowers. 

The spermatic vessels, like a cully-mully- 

puff. 

The parastata, like an ink-pot. 
The bladder, like a stone-bow. 
The neck, like a mill-clapper. 
The mirach, or lower parts of the belly, like 

a high-crowned hat. 
The siphach, or its inner rind, like a wooden 

cuff. 

The muscles, like a pair of bellows. 
The tendons, like a hawking-glove. 
The ligaments, like a tinker's budget. 
The bones, like three-cornered cheese-cakes. 
The marrow, like a wallet. 
The cartilages, like a field-tortoise, alias a 

mole. 
The glandules in the mouth, like a pruning- 

knife. 

The animal spirits, like swingeing fisty-cuffs. 
The blood-fermenting, like a multiplication 

of flirts on the nose. 
The urine, like a fig-pecker. 
The sperm, like a hundred tenpenny nails. 

And his nurse told me, that being married to 
Mid-lent, he only begot a good number of 
local adverbs, and certain double fasts. 

His memory he had like a scarf. 

His common sense, like a buzzing of bees. 

His imagination, like the chime of a set of 
bells. 

His thoughts, Jike a flight of starlings. 

His conscience, like the unnestling of a parcel 
of young herons. 

His deliberations, like a set of organs. 

His repentance, like the carriage of a double 
cannon. 

His undertakings, like the ballast of a galleon. 

His understanding, like a torn breviary. 

His notions, like snails crawling out of straw- 
berries. 



272 



RABELAIS 



His will, like three filberts in a porringer. 
His desire, like six trusses of hay. 
His judgment, like a shoeing horn. 
His discretion, like the truckle of a pully. 
His reason, like a cricket stool. 

CHAPTER 31 

Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized 

SHROVETIDE, continued Xenomanes, is some- 
what better proportioned in his outward 
parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had 
over and above the common shape of men. 

His toes, were like a virginal on an organ. 

His nails, like a gimlet. 

His feet, like a guitar. 

His heels, like a club. 

The soles of his feet like a crucible. 

His legs, like a hawk's lure. 

His knees, like a joint-stool. 

His thighs, like a steel cap. 

His hips, like a wimble. 

His belly as big as a tun, buttoned after the 
old fashion, with a girdle riding over the 
middle of his bosom. 

His navel, like a cymbal. 

His groin, like a minced pie. 

His member, like a slipper. 

His purse, like an oil cruet. 

His genitals, like a joiner's plainer. 

Their erecting muscles, like a racket. 

The perineum, like a flageolet. 

His arse-hole, like a crystal looking-glass. 

His bum, like a harrow. 

His loins, like a butter-pot. 

The peritonaeum, or caul, wherein his bowels 
were wrapped, like a billiard-table. 

His back, like an overgrown rack-bent cross- 
bow. 

The vertebrae, or joints of his back-bone, like 
a bagpipe. 

His ribs, like a spinning-wheel. 

His brisket, like a canopy. 

His shoulder-blades, like a mortar. 

His breast, like a game at nine-pins. 

His paps, like a horn-pipe. 

His arm-pits, like a chequer. 

His shoulders like a hand-barrow. 

His arms, like a riding-hood. 

His fingers, like a brotherhood's andirons. 

The fibulae, or lesser bones of his legs, like a 
pair of stilts. 

His shin-bones, like sickles. 

His elbows, like a mouse-trap. 

His hands, like a curry-comb. 

His neck, like a talboy. 



His throat, like a felt to distil hippocras. 

The knob in his throat, like a barrel, where 
hanged two brazen wens, very fine and 
harmonious, in the shape of an hour-glass. 

His beard, like a lantern. 

His chin, like a mushroom. 

His ears, like a pair of gloves. 

His nose, like a buskin. 

His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. 

His eye-brows, like a dripping-pan. 

On his left brow was a mark of the shape and 
bigness of an urinal. 

His eye-lids, like a fiddle. 

His eyes, like a comb-box. 

His optic nerves, like a tinder-box. 

His forehead, like a false cup. 

His temples, like the cock of a cistern. 

His cheeks, like a pair of wooden shoes. 

His jaws, like a caudle cup. 

His teeth, like a hunter's staff. Of such colt's 
teeth as his, you will find one at Colonges 
les Royaux in Poictou, and two at la Brosse 
in Xaintonge, on the cellar door. 

His tongue, like a Jew's harp. 

His mouth, like a horse-cloth. 

His face embroidered like a mule's pack sad- 
dle. 

His head contrived like a still. 

His skull, like a pouch. 

The suturue, or seams of his skull, like the an- 
nulus piscatoris, or the fisher's signet. 

His skin, like a gabardine. 

His epidermis, or outward skin, like a bolting- 
cloth. 

His hair, like a scrubbing-brush. 

Ilis fur, such as above said. 

CHAPTER 32 

A continuation of Slirovetide's countenance., 
postures, and way of behaving 

IT is a wonderful thing, continued Xenoman- 
es, to hear and see the state of Shrovetide. 

If he chanced to spit, it was whole baskets 
full of goldfinches. 

If he bio wed his nose, it was pickled grigs. 

When he wept, it was ducks with onion 
sauce. 

When he trembled, it was large venison pas- 
ties. 

When he did sweat, it was old ling with but- 
ter sauce. 

When he belched, it was bushels of oysters. 

When he sneezed, it was whole tubs full of 
mustard. 



PANTAGRUEL 



273 



When he coughed, it was boxes of marma- 
lade. * 

When he sobbed, it was watercresses. 

When he yawned, it was pots full of pickled 
pease. 

When he sighed, it was dried neats' tongues. 

When he whistled, it was a whole scuttle full 
of green apes. 

When he snored, it was a whole pan full of 
fried beans. 

When he frowned, it was soused hogs' feet. 

When he spoke, it was coarse brown russet 
cloth; so little it was like crimson silk, with 
which Parisatis desired that the words of 
such as spoke to her son Cyrus, King of 
Persia, should be interwoven. 

When he blowed, it was indulgence money- 
boxes. 

When he winked, it was buttered buns. 

When he grumbled, it was March cats. 

When he nodded, it was iron-bound wag- 
gons. 

When he made mouths, it was broken staves. 

When he muttered, it was lawyers' revels. 

When he hopped about, it was letters of li- 
cence and protections. 

When he stepped back, it was sea cockle- 
shells. 

When he slabbered, it was common ovens. 

When he was hoarse, it was an entry of mor- 
rice-clancers. 

When he broke wind, it was dun cows' leath- 
er spatterdashes. 

When he funcked, it was washed-leather 
boots. 

When he scratched himself, it was new proc- 
lamations. 

When he sung, it was peas in cods. 

When he evacuated, it was mushrooms and 
morilles. 

When he puffed, it was cabbages with oil, 
alias caules amb'olif . 

When he talked, it was the last year's snow. 

When he dreamt, it was of a cock and a 
bull. 

When he gave nothing, so much for the bear- 
er. 

If he thought to himself, it was whimsies and 
maggots. 

If he dozed, it was leases of lands. 

What is yet more strange, he used to work 
doing nothing, and did nothing though he 
worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carous- 
ing, with his eyes open, like the hares in our 
country, for fear of being taken napping by 



the Chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; bit- 
ing he laughed, and laughing bit; eat nothing 
fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled 
upon suspicion, drank by imagination, swam 
on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothes 
in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and 
there used to catch decurnane lobsters; hunt- 
ed at the bottom of the herring-pond, and 
caught there ibices, stamboucs, chamois, and 
other wild goats; used to put out the eyes of 
all the crows which he took sneakingly; 
feared nothing but his own shadow, and the 
cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some 
days, like a truant school-boy; played with 
the ropes of bells on festival days of saints; 
made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy 
parchment prognostications and almanacks 
with his huge pin-case. 

Is that the gentleman? said Friar John: he 
is my man: this is the very fellow I looked 
for; 1 will send him a challenge immediately. 
This is, said Pantagruel, a strange and mon- 
strous sort of man, if I may call him a man. 
You put me in mind of the form and looks of 
Amoclunt and Dissonance. How were they 
made, said Friar John? May I be peeled like 
a raw onion, if ever [ heard a word of them. 
I'll tell you what I read of them in some an- 
cient apologues, replied Pantagruel. 

Physis that is to say Nature at her first 
burthen begat Beauty and Harmony, without 
carnal copulation, being of herself very fruit- 
ful and prolific. Antiphysis, who ever was the 
antagonist of Nature, immediately, out of a 
malicious spite against her for her beautiful 
and honourable productions, in opposition 
begot Amodunt and Dissonance, by copula- 
tion with Tdlumon. Their heads were round 
like a football, and not gently Hatted on both 
sides, like the common shape of men. Their 
ears stood pricked up like those of asses; their 
eyes, as hard as those of crabs, and without 
brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on 
bones like those of our heels; their feet were 
round, like tennis-balls; their arms and hands 
turned backwards towards the shoulders; 
and they walked on their heads, continually 
turning round* like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels 
over head. 

Yet as you know that apes esteem their 
young the handsomest in the world Anti- 
physis extolled her offspring, and strove to 
prove, that their shape was handsomer and 
neater than that of the children of Physis: 
saying, that thus to have spherical heads and 
feet, and walk in a circular manner, wheeling 



274 



RABELAIS 



round, had something in it of the perfection 
of the divine power, which makes all beings 
eternally turn in that fashion; and that to 
have our feet uppermost, and the head be- 
low them, was to imitate the Creator of the 
universe; the hair being like the roots, and 
the legs like the branches of man: for trees 
are better planted by their roots, than they 
could be by their branches. By this demon- 
stration she implied, that her children were 
much more to be praised for being like a 
standing tree, than those of Physis, that made 
a figure of a tree upside down. As for the 
arms and hands, she pretended to prove that 
they were more justly turned towards the 
shoulders, because that part of the body 
ought not to be without defence, while the 
forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a 
man cannot only use to chew, but also to de- 
fend himself against those things that offend 
him. Thus by the testimony and astipulation 
of the brute beasts, she drew all the witless 
herd and mob of fools into her opinion, and 
was admired by all brainless and nonsensical 
people. 

Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes 
of eaves-dropping dissemblers, superstitious 
pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the 
frantic Pistolets, the demoniacal Calvins, im- 
postors of Geneva, the scrapers of benefices, 
apparitors with the devil in them, and other 
grinders and squeezers of livings, herb-stink- 
ing hermits, gulligiitted dunces of the cowl, 
church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the 
substance of men, and many more other de- 
formed and ill-favoured monsters, made in 
spite of nature. 

CHAPTER 33 

How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous 
physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild Is- 
land 

ABOUT sunset, coming near the Wild Island, 
Pantagruel spied afar off a huge monstrous 
physeter, a sort of whale, which some call a 
whirlpool, that came right upon us, neigh- 
ing, snorting, raised above the waves higher 
than our main-tops, and spouting water all 
the way into the air, before itself, like a large 
river falling from a mountain: Pantagruel 
showed it to the pilot, and to Xenomanes. 

By the pilot's advice, the trumpets of the 
Thmamege were sounded, to warn all the 
fleet to stand close, and look to themselves. 
This alarm being given, all the ships, gal- 



leons, frigates, brigantines, according to 
their naval discipline, placed themselves in 
the order and figure of a Greek upsilon, ( T ) 
the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their 
flight; and like an acute angle, in whose cone 
and basis the Thalamege placed herself ready 
to fight smartly. Friar John, with the grena- 
diers, got on the forecastle. 

Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse 
than ever: Babillebabou, said he, shrugging 
up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, 
there will be the devil upon dun. This is a 
worse business than that the other day. Let 
us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not 
Leviathan, described by the noble prophet 
Moses, in the life of patient Job. It will swal- 
low us all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bob- 
tail, like a dose of pills. Alas, it will make no 
more of us, and we shall hold no more room 
in its hellish jaws, than a sugar-plum in an 
ass's throat. Look, look, it is upon us; let us 
wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore. I be- 
lieve it is the very individual sea monster that 
was formerly designed to devour Androme- 
da: we are all undone. Oh! for some valiant 
Perseus here now to kill the dog. 

I'll do its business presently said Pantagru- 
el; fear nothing. Odd's belly, said Panurge, 
remove the cause of my fear then. When the 
devil would you have a man be afraid, but 
when there is so much cause? If your destiny 
be such, as Friar John was saying a while 
ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought to be 
afraid of Pyroeis, Eons, /Ethon, and Phlegon, 
the sun's coach horses, that breathe fire at the 
nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout 
nothing but water at the snout and mouth. 
Their water will not endanger your life; and 
that element will rather save and preserve 
than hurt or endanger you. 

Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth 
Panurge: yours is a very pretty fancy. Odd's 
fish: did I not give you a sufficient account of 
the element's transmutation, and the blun- 
ders that are made of roast for boiled, and 
boiled for roast? Alas, here it is; I'll go hide 
myself below. We are dead men, every moth- 
er's son of us; I see upon our main-top that 
merciless hag Atropos, with her scissors new 
ground, ready to cut our threads all at one 
snip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou 
art; thou hast drowned a good many beside 
us, who never made their brags of it. Did it 
but spout good, brisk, dainty, delicious white 
wine, instead of this damned bitter salt wa- 
ter, one might better bear with it, and there 



PANTAGRUEL 



275 



would be some cause to be patient; like that 
English lord, who being doomed to die, and 
had leave to choose what kind of death he 
would, chose to be drowned in a butt of 
malmsey. Here it is. Oh, oh! devil! Sathanas! 
Leviathan! I cannot abide to look upon thee, 
thou art so abominably ugly. Go to the bar, 
go take the pettifoggers. 

CHAPTER 34 

How the monstrous physeter was slain by 
Pantagruel 

THE physeter, coming between the ships arid 
the galleons, threw water by whole tuns upon 
them, as if it had been the cataracts of the 
Nile in Ethiopia. On the other side, arrows, 
darts, gleaves, javelins, spears, harping-irons, 
and partizans, flew upon it like hail. Friar 
John did not spare himself in it. Panurge was 
half dead for fear. The artillery roared and 
thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in 
good earnest, but did but little good: for the 
great iron and brass cannon-shot, entering its 
skin, seemed to melt like tiles in the sun. 

Pantagruel then, considering the weight 
and exigency of the matter, stretched out his 
arms, and showed what he could do. You tell 
us, and it is recorded, that Commodus, the 
Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so 
dexterously, that at a good distance he would 
let fly an arrow through a child's fingers, and 
never touch them. You also tell us of an In- 
dian archer, who lived when Alexander the 
Great conquered India, and was so skilful in 
drawing the bow, that at a considerable dis- 
tance he would shoot his arrows through a 
ring, though they were three cubits long, and 
their iron so large and weighty, that with 
them he used to pierce sleel cutlasses, thick 
shields, steel breastplates, and generally what 
he did hit, how firm, resisting, hard, and 
strong soever it were. You also tell us won- 
ders of the industry of the ancient Franks, 
who were preferred to all others in point of 
archery; and when they hunted cither black 
or dun beasts, used to rub the head of their 
arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of 
the venison, struck with such an arrow, was 
more tender, dainty, wholesome, and deli- 
ciousparing off, nevertheless, the part that 
was touched round about. You also talk of 
the Parthians, who used to shoot backwards, 
more dexterously than other nations for- 
wards; and also celebrate the skill of the 
Scythians in that art, who sent once to Dari- 



us, King of Persia, an ambassador, that made 
him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and 
five arrows, without speaking one word; and 
being asked what those presents meant, and 
if he had commission to say anything, an- 
swered, that he had not: which puzzled and 
gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one 
of the seven captains that had killed the 
magi, explained it, saying to Darius : By these 
gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell 
you, that except the Persians, like birds, fly 
up to heaven, or like mice, hide themselves 
near the centre of the earth, or, like frogs, 
dive to the very bottom of ponds and lakes, 
they shall be destroyed by the power and ar- 
rows of the Scythians. 

The noble Pantagruel was, without com- 
parison, more admirable yet in the art of 
shooting and darting: for with his dreadful 
piles and darts, nearly resembling the huge 
beams that support the bridges of Nantes, 
Saumur, Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' 
and the changers' bridges, in length, size, 
weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's dis- 
tance, would open an oyster, and never touch 
the edges; he would snuff a candle, without 
putting it out; would shoot a magpie in the 
eye; take off a boot's undersole, or, a riding- 
hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn 
over every leaf of Friar John's breviary, one 
after another, and not tear one. 

With such darts, of which there was good 
store in the ship, at the first blow he ran the 
physeter in at the forehead so furiously, that 
he pierced both its jaws and tongue: so that 
from that time to this it no more opened its 
guttural trap-door, nor drew and spouted wa- 
ter. At the second blow he put out its right 
eye, and at the third its left: and we had all 
the pleasure to see the physeter bearing those 
three horns in its forehead, somewhat lean- 
ing forwards in an equilateral triangle. 

Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, stag- 
gering and straying like one stunned, blind- 
ed, and taking his leave of the world. Pan- 
tagruel, not satisfied with this, let fly another 
dart, which took the monster under the tail 
likewise sloping; then with three other on the 
chine, in a perpendicular line, divided its 
flank from the tail to the snout at an equal 
distance: then he larded it with fifty on one 
side, and after that, to make even work, he 
darted as many on its other side: so that the 
body of the physeter seemed like the hulk of 
a galleon with three masts, joined by a com- 
petent dimension of its beams, as if they had 



276 



RABELAIS 



been the ribs and chain-wales of the keel; 
which was a pleasant sight. The physeter 
then giving up the ghost, turned itself upon 
its back, as all dead fishes do; and being thus 
overturned, with the beams and darts upside 
down in the sea, it seemed a scolopendra or 
centipede, as that serpent is described by the 
ancient sage Nicander. 

CHAPTER 35 

How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild 
Island, the ancient abode of the Chitter- 
lings 

THE boat's crew of the ship Lantern towed 
the physeter ashore on the neighbouring 
shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, 
to make an anatomical dissection of its body, 
and save the fat of its kidneys, which, they 
said, was very useful and necessary for the 
cure of a certain distemper, which they called 
want of money. As for Pantagruel, he took no 
manner of notice of the monster; for he had 
seen many such, nay, bigger, in the Gallic 
ocean. Yet he condescended to land in the 
Wild Island, to dry and refresh some of his 
men, (whom the physeter had wetted and 
bedaubed,) at a small desert sea-port, to- 
wards the south, seated near a fine pleasant 
grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook 
of fresh, clear, and purling water. Here they 
pitched their tents, and set up their kitchens; 
nor did they spare fuel. 

Every one having shifted, as they thought 
fit, Friar John rang the bell, and the cloth was 
immediately laid, and supper brought in. 
Pantagruel eating cheerfully with his men, 
much about the second course, perceived cer- 
tain little sly Chitterlings clambering up a 
high tree near the pantry, as still as so many 
mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes, what 
kind of creatures these were; taking them for 
squirrels, weazels, martins, or ermines. They 
are Chitterlings, replied Xenomanes. This is 
the Wild Island, of which I spoke to you this 
morning: there hath been an irreconcilable 
war, this long time, between them and 
Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient en- 
emy. I believe that the noise of the guns, 
which we fired at the physeter, hath alarmed 
them, and made them fear their enemy hath 
come with his forces to surprise them, or lay 
the island waste; as he hath often attempted 
to do, though he still came off but bluely; by 
reason of the care and vigilance of the Chit- 
terlings, who, (as Dido said to ^Eneas's com- 



panions, that would have landed at Carthage 
without her leave or knowledge, ) were forced 
to watch and stand upon their guard, consid- 
ering the malice of their enemy, and the 
neighbourhood of his territories. 

Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you 
find that by some honest means we may bring 
this war to an end, and reconcile them to- 
gether, give me notice of it; I will use my en- 
deavours in it, with all my heart, and spare 
nothing on my side to moderate and accom- 
modate the points in dispute between both 
parties. 

This is impossible at this time, answered 
Xenomanes. About four years ago, passing 
incognito by this country, I endeavoured to 
make a peace, or at least a long truce among 
them; and I certainly had brought them to be 
good friends and neighbours, if both one and 
tlie other parties would have yielded to one 
single article. Shrovetide would not include 
in the treaty of peace, the wild puddings, nor 
the highland sausages, their ancient gossips 
and confederates. The Chitterlings demand- 
ed, that the fort of Cacques might be under 
their government, as is the Castle of Sullou- 
oir, and that a parcel of I don't know what 
stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that 
held it then, should be expelled. But they 
could not agree in this, and the terms that 
were offered seemed too hard to either party. 
So the treaty broke off, and nothing was 
done. Nevertheless, they became less severe, 
and gentler enemies than they were before; 
but since the denunciation of the national 
Council of Chesil, whereby they the Chitter- 
lingswere roughly handled, hampered, and 
cited; whereby also Shrovetide was declared 
filthy, beshitten, and bewrayed, in case he 
made any league, or agreement with them; 
they are grown wonderfully inveterate, in- 
censed, and obstinate against one another, 
and there is no way to remedy it. You might 
sooner reconcile cats and rats or hounds and 
hares together. 

CHAPTER 36 

How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscade 
for Pantagruel 

WHILE Xenomanes was saying this, Friar 
John spied twenty or thirty young slender- 
shaped Chitterlings, posting as fast as they 
could towards their town, citadel, castle, and 
fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I 
smell a rat: there will be here the devil upon 



PANTAGRUEL 



277 



two sticks, or I am much out. These worship- 
ful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you 
for Shrovetide, though you are not a bit like 
him. Let us once in our lives leave our junket- 
ing for a while, and put ourselves in a pos- 
ture to give them a bellyful of fighting, if 
they would be at that sport. There can be no 
false Latin in this, said Xenomanes: Chitter- 
lings are still Chitterlings, always double- 
hearted and, treacherous. 

Pantagruel then arose from table, to visit 
and scour the thicket, and returned presently; 
having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade 
of squab Chitterlings; and on the right, about 
half a league from thence, a large body of 
huge giant-like armed Chitterlings, ranged 
in battalia along a little hill, and marching 
furiously towards us at the sound of bag- 
pipes, sheep's paunches, and bladders, the 
merry fifes and drums, trumpets, and clari- 
ons, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his 
mare. By the conjecture of seventy-eight 
standards, which we told, we guessed their 
number to be two and forty thousand, at a 
modest computation. 

Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks, 
made us judge that they were none of your 
raw, paltry links, but old war-like Chitter- 
lings and Sausages. From the foremost ranks 
to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie 
with small arms, as we reckoned them at a 
distance: yet, very sharp, and case-hardened. 
Their right and left wings were lined with a 
great number of forest puddings, heavy pat- 
tipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall 
and proper islanders, banditti, and wild. 

Pantagruel was very much daunted, and 
not without cause; though Epistemon told 
him that it might be the use and custom of the 
Chitterlingonians to welcome and receive 
thus in arms their foreign friends, as the no- 
ble kings of France are received and saluted 
at their first coining into the chief cities of the 
kingdom, after their advancement to the 
crown. Perhaps, said he, it may be the usual 
guard of the queen of the place; who, having 
notice given her, by the junior Chitterlings of 
the forlorn hope whom you saw on the tree, 
of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, 
hath judged that it was, without doubt, some 
rich and potent prince, and is come to visit 
you in person. 

Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a 
council, to have their advice at large in this 
doubtful case. He briefly showed mem how 
this way of reception, with arms, had often, 



under colour of compliment and friendship, 
been fatal. Thus, said he, the Emperor Anto- 
nius Caracalla, at one time, destroyed the cit- 
izens of Alexandria, and at another time, cut 
off the attendants of Artabanus, King of Per- 
sia, under colour of marrying his daughter: 
which, by the way, did not pass unpunished: 
for, a while after, this cost him his life. 

Thus Jacob's children destroyed the Siche- 
mites, to revenge the rape of their sister Di- 
nah. By such another hypocritical trick, Gal- 
lienus the Roman emperor, put to death the 
military men in Constantinople. Thus, under 
colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Ar- 
tavasdes, King of Armenia; then, having 
caused him to be bound in heavy chains, and 
shackled, at last put him to death. 

We find a thousand such instances in his- 
tory; and King Charles VI is justly commend- 
ed for his prudence to this day, in that, com- 
ing back victorious over the Ghenters and 
other Flemings, to his good city of Paris, and 
when he came to Bourget, a league from 
thence, hearing that the citizens with their 
mallets whence they got the name of Maillo- 
tins were marched out of town in battalia, 
twenty thousand strong, he would not go into 
the town, till they had laid down their arms, 
and retired to their respective homes; though 
they protested to him, that they had taken 
arms with no other design than to receive 
him with the greater demonstration of hon- 
our and respect. 

CHAPTER 37 

How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-Chit- 
terling, and Colonel Cut-Pudding; with a 
discourse well worth your hearing, about 
the names of places and persons 

THE resolution of the council was, that, let 
things be how they would, it behoved the 
Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. 
Therefore Carpalim and Gymnast were or- 
dered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that 
were on board the Cup galley, under the com- 
mand of Colonel Maul-chitterling, and those 
on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the com- 
mand of Colonel Cut-pudding the younger. I 
will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Pan- 
urge, who wanted to be upon the run: you 
may have occasion for him here. By this 
worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou 
hast a mind to slip thy neck out of the collar, 
and absent thyself from the fight, thou white- 
livered son of a dunghill! upon my virginity 



278 



RABELAIS 



thou wilt never come back. Well, there can 
be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do 
nothing here but howl, bray, weep, and dis- 
hearten the good soldiers. I will certainly 
come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my 
ghostly father, and speedily too : do but take 
care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not 
board our ships. All the while you will be a 
fighting, I will pray heartily for your victory, 
after the example of the valiant captain and 
guide of the people of Israel, Moses. Having 
said this, he wheeled off. 

Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel, The 
denomination of these two colonels of yours, 
Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth 
us assurance, success, and victory, if those 
Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. 
You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it 
pleaseth me to see you foresee and prognosti- 
cate our victory by the name of our colonels. 

This way of foretelling by names is not 
new; it was in old times celebrated, and reli- 
giously observed by the Pythagoreans. Sev- 
eral great princes and emperors have former- 
ly made use of it. Octavianus Augustus, sec- 
ond emperor of the Romans, meeting on a day 
a country fellow named Eutychus, that is, 
fortunate, driving an ass named Nicon that 
is in Greek, victorious, moved by the signifi- 
cation of the ass's and ass-driver's names, re- 
mained assured of all prosperity and victory. 

The Emperor Vespasian, being once all 
alone at prayers, in the temple of Serapis, at 
the sight and unexpected coming of a certain 
servant of his, named Basilides, that is, roy- 
al, whom he had left sick a great way be- 
hind, took hopes and assurance of obtaining 
the empire of the Romans. Rcgilian was chos- 
en emperor, by the soldiers, for no other rea- 
son, but the signification of his name. See the 
Cratyhis of the divine Plato. (By my thirst I 
will read him, said Rhizotomus; I hear you so 
often quote him.) See how the Pythagoreans, 
by reason of the names and numbers, con- 
clude that Patroclus was to fall by the hand 
of Hector; Hector by Achilles; Achilles by 
Paris; Paris by Philoctetes. I am quite lost in 
my understanding, when I reflect upon the 
admirable invention of Pythagoras, who by 
the number, either even or odd, of the sylla- 
bles of every name, would tell you of what 
side a man was lame, hunch-backed, blind, 
gouty, troubled with the palsy, pleurisy, or 
any other distemper incident to human kind; 
allotting even numbers to the left, and odd 
ones to the right side of the body. 



Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of 
syllabising tried at Xaintes, at a general pro- 
cession, in the presence of that good, virtu- 
ous, learned, and just president, Brian Valle"e, 
Lord of Douhait. When there went by a man 
or woman that was either lame, blind of one 
eye, or hump-backed, he had an account 
brought him of his or her name; and if the 
syllables of the name were of an odd number, 
immediately, without seeing the persons, he 
declared them to be deformed, blind, lame, or 
crooked of the right side; and of the left, if 
they were even in number; and such indeed 
we ever found them. 

By this syllabical invention, said Pantag- 
ruel, the learned have affirmed, that Achilles 
kneeling, was wounded by the arrow of Paris 
in the right heel; for his name is of odd sylla- 
bles; (here we ought to observe that the an- 
cients used to kneel the right foot : ) and that 
Venus was also wounded before Troy in the 
left hand; for her name in Greek is 'A0poStr?7, 
of four syllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot 
for the same reason; Philip, King of Mace- 
don, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not 
to speak of sciaticas, broken bellies, and hem- 
icranias, which may be distinguished by this 
Pythagorean reason. 

But returning to names: do but consider 
how Alexander the Great, son of King Philip, 
of whom we spoke just now, compassed his 
undertaking, merely by the interpretation of 
a name. He had besieged the strong city of 
Tyre, arid for several weeks battered it with 
all his power: but all in vain. His engines and 
attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, 
which made him finally resolve to raise the 
siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the great 
stain which such a shameful retreat would be 
to his reputation. In this anxiety and agitation 
of mind he fell asleep, and dreamed that a 
satyr was come into his tent, capering, skip- 
ping, and tripping it up and down, with his 
goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold 
on him. But the satyr still slipt from him, till 
at last, having penned him up into a corner, 
he took him. With this he awoke, and telling 
his dream to the philosophers and sages of his 
court, they let him know that it was a prom- 
ise of victory from the gods, and that he 
should soon be master of Tyre; the word 
sattjros, divided in two, being sa Tyros, and 
signifying Tyre is thine; and in truth, at the 
next onset, he took the town by storm, and, 
by a complete victory, reduced that stubborn 
people to subjection. 



PANTAGRUEL 



279 



On the other hand, see how, by the signifi- 
cation of one word, Pompey fell into despair. 
Being overcome by Cassar at the battle of 
Pharsalia, he had no other way left to escape 
but by flight; which, attempting by sea, he 
arrived near the island of Cyprus, and per- 
ceived on the shore, near the city of Paphos, a 
beautiful and stately palace: now asking the 
pilot what was the name of it, he told him, 
that it was called Ka/co/3a<7iXca , that is, evil 
king; which struck such a dread and terror in 
him, that he fell into despair, as being assured 
of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his 
complaints, sighs, and groans were heard by 
the mariners and other passengers. And in- 
deed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, 
called Achillas, cut off his head. 

To all these examples might be added what 
happened to L. Paulus Emilius, when the 
senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of 
the army which they sent against Perscs, King 
of Macedon. That evening returning home to 
prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little 
daughter of his called Trasia, she seemed 
somewhat sad to him. What is the matter, 
said he, my chicken? Why is my Trasia thus 
sad and melancholy? Daddy, replied the 
child, Persa is dead. This was the name of a 
little bitch, which she loved mightily. Hear- 
ing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory 
over Perses. 

If time would permit us to discourse of the 
sacred Hebrew writ, we might find a hun- 
dred noted passages, evidently showing how 
religiously they observed proper names and 
their significations. 

He had hardly ended this discourse, when 
the two colonels arrived with their soldiers, 
all well armed and resolute. Pantagruel made 
them a short speech, entreating them to be- 
have themselves bravely, in case they were at- 
tacked; for he could not yet believe that the 
Chitterlings were so treacherous : but he bad 
them by no means to give the first offence; 
giving them carnival for the watch-word. 

CHAPTER 38 

How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by 
men 

You shake your empty noddles now, jolly top- 
ers, and do not believe what I tell you here, 
any more than if it were some tale of a tub. 
Well, well, I cannot help it. Believe it if you 
will; if you will not, let it alone. For my part, 
I very well know what I say. It was in the 



Wild Island, in our voyage to the Holy Bottle; 
I tell you the time and place; what would you 
have more? I would have you call to mind the 
strength of the ancient giants, that undertook 
to lay the high mountain Pelion, on the top of 
Ossa, and set among those the shady Olym- 
pus, to dash out the gods' brains, unnestle 
them, and scour their heavenly lodgings. 
Theirs was no small strength, you may well 
think, and yet they were nothing but Chitter- 
lings from (he waist downwards, or, at least, 
serpents, not to tell a lie for the matter. 

The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of 
the Chittcrling kind, and yet it is recorded of 
him, that he was more subtle than any beast 
of the field. Even so are Chitterlings. Nay, to 
this very hour they hold in some universities, 
that this same tempter was the Chitterling 
called Jthyphallus, into which was trans- 
formed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of fe- 
males in paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek. 

Pray now tell me, who can tell but that the 
Swiss, now so bold and warlike, were former- 
ly Chitterlings? For my part I would not take 
my oath to the contrary. The Himantopodes, 
a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according 
to Pliny's description, are Chitterlings, and 
nothing else. If all this will not satisfy your 
worships, or remove your incredulity, I would 
have you forthwith (I mean drinking first, 
that nothing be done rashly) visit Lusignan, 
Parthenay, Vouarit, Mervant, and Ponzauges 
in Poictou. There you will find a cloud of wit- 
nesses, not of your affidavit men of the right 
stamp, but credible, time out of mind, that 
will take their corporal oath, on Rigome"'s 
knuckle-bone, that Melusina, their founder, 
or foundress, which you please, was woman 
from the head to the prick -purse, and thence 
downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or 
if you will have it otherwise, a ChitterYing- 
dizecl serpent. She nevertheless had a genteel 
and noble gait, imitated to this very day by 
your hop-merchants of Britanny, in their pas- 
pie and country dances. 

What do you think was the cause of Erich- 
thonius's being the first inventor of coaches, 
litters, and chariots? Nothing but because 
Vulcan had begot him with Chitterlingdized 
legs; which to hide, he chose to ride in a lit- 
ter, rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings 
were not yet in esteem at that time. 

The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise 
half woman and half Chitterling; and yet 
seemed so beautiful to Jupiter, that nothing 
could serve him but he must give her a touch 



280 



RABELAIS 



of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he 
had a brave boy by her, called Col axes; and 
therefore I would have you leave off shaking 
your empty noddles at this, as if it were a 
story, and firmly believe that nothing is tinier 
than the gospel. 

CHAPTER 39 

How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight 
the Chitterlings 

FRIAR JOHN, seeing these furious Chitterlings 
thus boldly march up, said to Pantagruel, 
Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a 
pretty kind of puppet-show fight, for aught I 
see. Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful 
glory will attend our victory! I would have 
you only be a bare spectator of this fight, and 
for any thing else, leave me and my men to 
deal with them. What men? said Pantagruel. 
Matter of breviary, replied Friar John. How 
came Potiphar, who was head cook of Pha- 
raoh's kitchens, he that bought Joseph, and 
whom the said Joseph might have made a 
cuckold, if he had not been a Joseph; how 
came he, I say, to be made general of all the 
horse in the kingdom of Egypt? Why was 
Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar's head 
cook, chosen, to the exclusion of all other 
captains, to besiege and destroy Jerusalem. I 
hear you, replied Pantagruel. By St. Christo- 
pher's whiskers, said Friar John, I dare lay a 
wager that it was because they had formerly 
engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; 
whom to rout, conquer, and destroy, cooks 
are, without comparison, more fit, than cui- 
rassiers and gens d'armes armed at all points, 
or all the horse and foot in the world. 

You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of 
what is written amongst the facetious and 
merry sayings of Cicero. During the more 
than civil wars between Caesar and Pompey, 
though he was much courted by the first, he 
naturally leaned more to the side of the latter. 
Now one day, hearing that the Pornpeyians, 
in a certain rencontre, had lost a great many 
men, he took a fancy to visit their camp. 
There he perceived little strength, less cour- 
age, but much disorder. From that time, for- 
seeing that things would go ill with them, as 
it since happened, he began to banter now 
one and then another, and be very free of his 
cutting jests: so some of Pompey's captains, 
playing the good fellows, to show their assur- 
ance, told him, Do you see how many eagles 
we have yet? (They were then the device of 



the Romans in war.) They might be of use 
to you, replied Cicero, if you had to do with 
magpies. 

Thus seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, 
pursued Pantagruel, you infer thence that it is 
a culinary war, and have a mind to join with 
the cooks. Well, do as you please, I will stay 
here in the meantime, and wait for the event 
of the rumpus. 

Friar John went that very moment among 
the sutlers, into the cooks' tents, and told 
them in a pleasing manner; I must see you 
crowned with honour and triumph this day, 
my lads; to your arms are reserved such 
achievements as never yet were performed 
within the memory of man. Odd's belly, do 
they make nothing of the valiant cooks? let us 
go fight yonder fornicating Chitterlings! I 
will be your captain. But first let us drink, 
boys, come on let us be of good cheer. No- 
ble captain, returned the kitchen tribe, this 
was spoken like yourself; bravely offered: 
huzza! we are all at your excellency's com- 
mand, and will live and die by you. Live, 
live, said Friar John, a God's name: but die 
by no means. That is the Chitterlings' lot; 
they shall have their bellyful of it: come on 
then, let us put ourselves in order; Nabuzar- 
dan's the word. 

CHAPTER 40 

How Friar John ftted up the sow; and of the 
valiant cooks that went into it 

THEN, by Friar John's order, the engineers 
and their workmen fitted up the great sow 
that was in the ship Leathern-Bottle. It was a 
wonderful machine, so contrived, that, by 
means of large engines that were round about 
in rows, it threw forked iron bars, and four- 
square steel-bolls; and in its hold two hun- 
dred men at least could easily fight, and be 
sheltered. It was made after the model of the 
sow of Riole, by the means of which Bergerac 
was re-taken from the English, in the reign of 
Charles the Sixth. 

Here are the names of the noble and val- 
iant cooks who went into the sow, as the 
Greeks did into the Trojan horse. 



Sour-sauce. 

Sweet-meat. 

Greedy-gut. 

Liquorice-chops. 

Soused-pork. 

Slap-sauce. 



Cock-broth. 

Slipslop. 

Crisp-pig. 

Greasy-slouch. 

Fat-gut. 

Bray-mortar. 



PANTAGRUEL 



281 



Lick-sauce. 

Hog's-foot. 

Hodge-podge. 

Carbonadoe. 

Sop-in-pan. 



Pick-fowl. 

Mustard-pot. 

Hog's-haslet. 

Chopt-phiz. 

Gallimaufrey. 



All these noble cooks, in their coat of arms, 
did bear, in a field gules, a larding-pin vert, 
charged with a chevron argent. 



Lard, hog's-lard. 

Nibble-lard. 

Filch-lard. 

Fat-lard. 

Pinch-lard. 

Top-lard. 



Pick-lard. 

Save-lard. 

Snatch-lard. 

Gnaw-lard. 

Scrape-lard. 

Chew-lard. 



Rot-roast. 

Dish -clout. 

Save-suet. 

Fire-fumbler. 

Pillicock. 

Long tool. 

Pi ick -pride. 

Prick-madam. 

Pricket. 

Flesh-smith. 

Cram-gut. 

Tuzzy-mussy. 

Jacket-liner. 



Guzzle-drink. 

Fox-tail. 

Fly-flap. 

Old-Grizzle. 

Ruff-belly. 

Sirloin. 

Spit-mutton. 

Fritter-fryer. 

Hog's-gullet. 

Saffron-sauce. 

Strutting-tom. 

Slashed-snout. 

Smutty-face. 



Gaillardon (by syncope) born near Ram- 



Mondam, that first invented madam's 
sauce, and for that discovery, was thus called 
in the Scotch-French dialect. 



bouillet. The culinary doctor's name was Gail- 


Loblolly . Swallow-pitcher. 


lardlardon, in the same manner as you use to 


Slabber-chops. Wafer-monger. 


say idolatrous for idololatrous. 


Scampot. Snap-gobbet. 




Cully-guts. Scurvy-phiz. 


Stiff-lard. Mince-lard. 


Rinse-pot. Trencher-man. 


Dainty-lard. Fresh-lard. 


Goodman Goosecap. Pudding-bag. 


Watch-lard. Rusty-lard. 


Munch -turnip . Pig-sticker. 


Sweet-lard. Waste-lard. 


Sloven. 


Eat-lard. Ogle-lard. 




Snap-lard. Weigh-lard. 


Robert: he invented Robert's sauce, so 


Catch-lard. Gulch-lard. 


good and necessary for roasted conies, ducks, 


Cut-lard. Eye-lard. 


fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a 




thousand other such dishes. 


Names unknown among the Marranes and 




Jews. 


Cold-eel. Thick-brawn. 




Thornback. Tom T-d. 


Ballocky. Crack-pipkin. 


Gurnard. Mouldy-crust. 


Pick-sallad. Scrape-pot. 


Grumbling-gut. Hasty. 


Broil-rasher. Porridge-pot. 


Alms-scrip. Red-herring. 


Cony-skin. Lick-dish. 


Taste-all. Cheesecake. 


Dainty-chops. Toss-pot. 


Scrap-merchant. Big-snout. 


Pie-wright. Mustard-sauce. 


Bclly-timbcrman. Lick-finger. 


Pudding-pan. Claret-sauce. 


Hashcc. Tit-bit. 


Save-dripping. Swill-broth. 


Frig-palate. Sauce-box. 


Water-cress. Thirsty. 


Powdcring-tub. All fours. 


Scrape-turnip. Kitchen-stuff. 


Frying-pan. Whim wham. 


Trivet. Verjuice. 


Man of dough. Baste-roast. 


Monsieur-Ragout. Salt-gullet. 


Sauce-doctor. Gaping-Hoyden. 


Snail-dresser. Suck-gravy. 


Waste-butter. Calf's pluck. 


Soup-monger. Macaroon. 


Shitbrecch. Leather breeches. 


Brewis-belly. Skewer-maker. 




Chine-picker. 


All these noble cooks went into the sow, 



Smell-smock; he was afterwards taken 
from the kitchen, and removed to chamber- 
practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal 
Hunt-venison. 



merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old dogs at mis- 
chief, and ready to fight stoutly. Friar John, 
ever and anon waving his huge scimitar, 
brought up the rear, and double-locked the 
doors on the inside. 



282 



RABELAIS 



CHAPTER 41 



How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the 
knees 

THE Chitterlings advanced so near, that Pan- 
tagruel perceived that they stretched their 
arms, and already began to charge their 
lances; which caused him to send Gymnast to 
know what they meant, and why they thus, 
without the least provocation, came to fall 
upon their old trusty friends, who had neither 
said nor done the least ill thing to them. 
Gymnast being advanced near their front, 
bowed very low, and said to them, as loud as 
ever he could: We are friends, we are friends; 
all, all of us your friends, yours, and at your 
command; we are for Carnival, your old con- 
federate. Some have since told me, that he 
mistook, and said cavernal instead of carni- 
val. 

Whatever it was, the word was no sooner 
out of his mouth, but a huge little squab Sau- 
sage, starting out of the front of their main 
body, would have griped him by the collar. 
By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I will 
swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in, in 
chips and slices; for, big as thou art, thou 
couldest never come in whole. This spoke, he 
lugs out his trusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse, (so 
he called it, ) with both his fists, and cut the 
sausage in twain. Bless me, how fat the foul 
thief was! it puts rne in mind of the huge bull 
of Berne, that was slain at Marignan, when 
the drunken Swiss were so mauled there. Be- 
lieve me, it had little less than four inches 
lard on its paunch. 

The Sausage's job being done, a crowd of 
others flew upon Gymnast, and had most 
scurvily dragged him down, when Pantag- 
ruel with his men came up to his relief. Then 
began the martial fray, higgledy piggledy. 
Maul-chitterling did maul Chitterlings; Cut- 
pudding did cut puddings; Pantagruel did 
break the Chitterlings at the knees; Frair 
John play'd at least in sight within his sow, 
viewing and observing all things; when the 
pattipans, that lay in ambuscade, most furi- 
ously sallied out upon Pantagruel. 

Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by 
that time perceiving the route and hurly-bur- 
ly, set open the doors of his sow, and sallied 
out with his merry Greeks, some of them 
armed with iron-spits, others with handirons, 
racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid- 
irons, oven forks, tongs, dripping pans, 
brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in bat- 



tle array, like so many house-breakers, halloo- 
ing and roaring out altogether most frightful- 
ly, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan. 
Thus shouting and hooting, they fought like 
dragons, and charged through the pattipans 
and sausages. The Chitterlings perceiving 
this fresh reinforcement, and that the others 
would be too hard for them, betook them- 
selves to their heels, scampering off with full 
speed, as if the devil had come for them. 
Friar John, with an iron crow, knocked them 
down as fast as hops: his men too were not 
sparing on their side. O! what a woeful sight 
it was! the field was all over strewed with 
heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and 
history relates, that had not heaven had a 
hand in it, the Chitterling tribe had been to- 
tally routed out of the world, by the culinary 
champions. But there happened a wonderful 
thing, you may believe as little or as much of 
it as you please. 

From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, 
thick, grizzly swine, with long and large 
wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red 
crimson, like those of a phenicoptcre (which 
in Langnedoc they call Flaman;) its eyes 
were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its 
ears green like a Prasin emerald; its teeth 
like a topaz; its tail long and black like jet; 
its feet white, diaphanous, and transparent 
like a diamond, somewhat broad, and of 
the splay kind, like those of geese, and as 
Queen Dick's used to be at Thoulouse, in the 
days of yore. About its neck it wore a 
gold collar, round which were some Ionian 
characters, whereof I could pick out but 
two words, TZ'AGHNAN : hog teaching 
Minerva. 

The sky was clear before; but at that mon- 
ster's appearance, it changed so mightily for 
the worse, that we were all amazed at it. As 
soon as the Chitterlings perceived the flying 
hog, down they all threw their weapons, and 
fell on their knees, lifting up their hands, 
joined together without speaking one word, 
in a posture of adoration. Friar John and his 
party kept on mincing, felling, braining, man- 
gling, and spitting the Chitterlings like mad: 
but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hos- 
tility ceased. 

The monster having several times hovered 
backwards and forwards between the two 
armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty- 
seven butts of mustard on the ground; then 
flew away through the air, crying all the 
while, Carnival, Carnival, Carnival, 



PANTAGRUEL 



283 



CHAPTER 42 



How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphle- 
seth, Queen of the Chitterlings 

THE monster being out of sight, and the two 
armies remaining silent, Pantagruel demand- 
ed a parley with the Lady Niphleseth, Queen 
of the Chitterlings, who was in her chariot, by 
the standards; and it was easily granted. The 
queen alighted, courteously received Pantag- 
ruel, and was glad to see him. Pantagruel 
complained to her of this breach of peace: 
but she civilly made her excuse, telling him 
that a false information had caused all this 
mischief; her spies having brought her word, 
that Shrovetide their mortal foe, was landed, 
and spent his time in examining the urine of 
physeters. 

She, therefore, entreated him to pardon 
them their offence; telling him that sir-rever- 
ence was sooner found in Chitterlings than 
gall; and offering, for herself and all her suc- 
cessors, to hold of him, and his, the whole is- 
land and country; to obey him in all his com- 
mands, be friends to his friends, and foes to 
his foes; and also to send every year, as an ac- 
knowledgment of their homage, a tribute of 
seventy-eight thousand Chitterlings, to serve 
him at his first course at table, six months in 
the year; which was punctually performed. 
For the next day she sent the aforesaid quan- 
tity of royal Chitterlings to the good Gargan- 
tua, under the conduct of young Niphleseth, 
infanta of the island. 

The good Gargantua made a present of 
them to the great King of Paris. But by 
change of air, and for want of mustard, (the 
natural balsam and restorer of Chitterlings,) 
most of them died. By the great king's partic- 
ular grant, they were buried in heaps in a part 
of Paris, to this day called, La Rue pavee d* 
Andouilles; the street paved with Chitter- 
lings. At the request of the ladies at his court, 
young Niphleseth, was preserved, honour- 
ably used, and since that married to her 
heart's content; and was the mother of many 
fine children, for which heaven be praised. 

Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, for- 
gave all offences, refused the offer she had 
made of her country, and gave her a pretty 
little knife. After that he asked her several 
nice questions concerning the apparition of 
that flying hog. She answered, that it was the 
idea of Carnival, their tutelary god in time of 
war, first founder, and original of all the 
Chitterling race; for which reason he resem- 



bled a hog; for Chitterlings drew their ex- 
traction from hogs. 

Pantagruel asking for what purpose, and 
curative indication, he had voided so much 
mustard on the earth, the queen replied, that 
mustard was their sang-reat, and celestial bal- 
sam, of which, laying but a little in the 
wounds of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very 
short time the wounded were healed, and the 
dead restored to life. Pantagruel held no fur- 
ther discourse with the queen, but retired on 
shipboard. The like did all the boon compan- 
ions, with their implements of destruction, 
and their huge sow. 

CHAPTER 43 

How Pantagruel went into the Island of 
Ruach 

Two days after, we arrived at the Island of 
Ruach; and I swear to you, by the celestial 
hen and chickens, that I found the way of liv- 
ing of the people so strange and wonderful, 
that I cannot, for the heart's blood of me, half 
tell it you. They live on nothing but wind, eat 
nothing but wind, and drink nothing but 
wind. They have no other houses but weath- 
ercocks. They sow no other seeds but the 
three sorts of wind-flowers, rue, and herbs 
that make one break wind to the purpose: 
these scour them off charmingly. The com- 
mon sort of people, to feed themselves, make 
use of feather, paper, or linen fans, according 
to their abilities. As for the rich, they live by 
the means of windmills. 

When they would have some noble treat, 
the tables are spread under one or two wind- 
mills. There they feast as merry as beggars, 
and during the meal, their whole talk is com- 
monly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, 
and rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in 
your cups, philosophize and argue upon 
wines. The one praises the south-east, the 
other the south-west, this the west and by 
south, and this the east and by north; another 
the west, and another the east; and so of the 
rest. As for lovers and amorous sparks, no gale 
for them like a smock-gale. For the sick they 
use bellows, as we use clysters among us. 

Oh! (said to me a little diminutive swollen 
bubble) that I had now but a bladder-full of 
that same Languedoc wind which they call 
Cierce. The famous physician, Scurron, pass- 
ing one day by this country, was telling us, 
that it is so strong, that it will make nothing 
of overturning a loaded waggon. Oh! what 



284 



RABELAIS 



good would it not do my oedipodic leg. The 
biggest are not the best; but, said Panurge, 
rather would I had here a large butt of that 
same good Languedoc wine, that grows at 
Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan. 

I saw a good likely sort of a man there, 
much resembling Ventrose, tearing and fum- 
ing in a grievous fret, with a tall burly groom, 
and a pimping little page of his, laying them 
on, like the devil, with a buskin. Not knowing 
the cause of his anger, at first I thought that 
all this was by the doctor's advice, as being a 
thing very healthy to the master to be in a 
passion, and to his man to be banged for it. 
But at last I heard him taxing his man with 
stealing from him like a rogue as he was, the 
better half of a large leathern bag of an excel- 
lent southerly wind, which he had carefully 
laid up, like a hidden reserve, against the 
cold weather. 

They neither exonerate, dung, pis, nor spit 
in that island; but, to make amends, they 
belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail shots in 
abundance. They are troubled with all man- 
ner of distempers : and, indeed, all distempers 
are engendered, and proceed from ventosi- 
ties, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib. De 
Flatibus. But the most epidemical among 
them is the wind-cholic. The remedies which 
they use are large clysters, whereby they void 
store of windiness. They all die of dropsies 
and tympanies; the men farting, and the 
women fizzling: so that their soul takes her 
leave at the back-door. 

Some time after, walking in the island, we 
met three hair-brained airy fellows, who 
seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take 
their pastime, and view the plovers, who live 
on the same diet as themselves, and abound 
in the island. I observed that as your true top- 
ers, when they travel, carry flasks, leathern 
bottles, and small runlets along with them, so 
each of them had at his girdle a pretty little 
pair of bellows. If they happened to want 
wind, by the help of those pretty bellows 
they immediately drew some, fresh and cool, 
by attraction and reciprocal expulsion : for, as 
you well know, wind essentially defined, is 
nothing but fluctuating and agitated air. 

Awhile after, we were commanded, in the 
king's name, not to receive, for three hours, 
any man or woman of the country, on board 
our ships; some having stolen from him a 
rousing fart, of the very individual wind 
which old goodman yEolus, the snorer, gave 
Ulysses, to conduct his ship, whenever it 



should happen to be becalmed. Which fart 
the king kept religiously, like another sang- 
real y and performed a world of wonderful 
cures with it, in many dangerous diseases, let- 
ting loose, and distributing to the patient, on- 
ly as much of it as might frame a virginal 
fart; which is, if you must know, what our 
sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect, call 
ringing backwards. 

CHAPTER 44 

How small rain lays a high wind 

PANTAGRUEL commended their government 
and way of living, and said to their hypene- 
mian mayor, If you approve Epicurus's opin- 
ion, placing the summum bonurn in pleasure, 
(I mean pleasure that is easy and free from 
toil, ) I esteem you happy; for your food being 
wind, costs you little or nothing, since you 
need but blow. True, sir, returned the mayor, 
but, alas! nothing is perfect here below: for 
too often, when we are at table, feeding on 
some good blessed wind of God, as on celes- 
tial manna, merry as so many friars, down 
drops on a sudden some small rain, which 
lays our wind, and so robs us of it. Thus many 
a meal is lost for want of meat. 

Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot, of 
Quinquenais, evacuating some wine of his 
own burning [urine] on his wife's posteriors, 
laid the ill-fumed wind that blowed out of 
their centre, as out of some magisterial seoli- 
pile. Here is a kind of a whim on that subject, 
which I made formerly: 

One evening when Toss-pot had been at his 
butts, 

And Joan, his fat spouse, crammed with tur- 
nips her guts, 

Together they pigg'd, nor did drink so besot 
him, 

But he did what was done when his daddy 
begot him. 

Now, when to recruit, he'd fain have been 
snoring, 

Joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roar- 
ing: 

So for spite he bepiss'd her, and quickly did 
find. 

That a small rain lays a very high wind. 

We are also plagued yearly with a very 
great calamity, cried the mayor, for a giant, 
call Widenostrils, who lives in the Island of 
Tohu, comes hither every spring to purge, by 



PANTAGRUEL 



285 



the advice of his physicians, and swallows us, 
like so many pills, a great number of wind- 
mills, and of bellows also, at which his mouth 
waters exceedingly. 

Now this is a sad mortification to us here, 
who are fain to fast over three or four whole 
Lents every year for this, besides certain pet- 
ty Lents, ember weeks, and other orison and 
starving tides. And have you no remedy for 
this? asked Pantagruel. By the advice of our 
Mezarims, replied the mayor, about the time 
that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our 
windmills with good store of cocks and hens. 
The first time that the greedy thief swallowed 
them, they had like to have done his business 
at once: for they crowed and cackled in his 
maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and 
along in his stomach, which threw the glutton 
into a lipothymy cardiac passion, and dread- 
ful and dangerous convulsions, as if some ser- 
pent, creeping in at his mouth, had been 
frisking in his stomach. 

Here is a comparative as, altogether incon- 
gruous and impertinent, cried Friar John, in- 
terrupting them; for I have formerly heard, 
that if a serpent chance to get into a man's 
stomach, it will not do him the least hurt, but 
will immediately get out, if you do but hang 
the patient by the heels, and lay a pan full of 
warm milk near his mouth. You were told this, 
said Pantagruel, and so were those who gave 
you this account; but none ever saw or read 
of such a cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, 
in his fifth book of Epidem., writes, that such 
a case happening in his time, the patient 
presently died of a spasm and convulsion. 

Besides the cocks and hens, said the may- 
or, continuing his story, all the foxes in the 
country whipped into Widenostrils' mouth, 
posting after the poultry; which made such a 
stir with Reynard at their heels, that he griev- 
vously fell into fits each minute of an hour. 

At last, by the advice of a Baden enchan- 
ter, at the time of the paroxysm, he used to 
flay a fox, by way of antidote and counter- 
poison. Since that he took better advice, and 
eases himself with taking a clyster made with 
a decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of 
livers of goslings; to the first of which the 
poultry run, and the foxes to the latter. Be- 
sides, he swallows some of your badgers or 
fox-dogs, by the way of pills and boluses. 
This is our misfortune. 

Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantag- 
ruel, this huge Widenostrils, this same swal- 
lower of Windmills, is no more, I will assure 



you: he died, being stifled and choked with a 
lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot 
oven, by the advice of his physicians. 

CHAPTER 45 

How Pantagruel went ashore in the Island of 
Pope-Finland 

THE next morning we arrived at the Island of 
Pope-figs; formerly a rich and free people, 
called the Gaillardets; but now, alas! miser- 
ably poor, and under the yoke of the Papi- 
men. The occasion of it was this. 

On a certain yearly high holiday, the bur- 
gomaster, syndics, and topping rabbies of the 
Gaillardets, chanced to go into the neighbour- 
ing island Papimany to see the festival, and 
pass away the time. Now one of them having 
espied the pope's picture, (with the sight of 
which, according to a laudable custom, the 
people were blessed on high-offering holi- 
days, ) made mouths at it, and cried, A fig for 
it! as a sign of manifest contempt and deri- 
sion. To be revenged of this affront, the Papi- 
men, some days after, without giving the oth- 
ers the least warning, took arms, and sur- 
prised, destroyed, and ruined the whole is- 
land of the Gaillardets; putting the men to 
the sword, and sparing none but the women 
and children; and those too only on condition 
to do what the inhabitants of Milan were con- 
demned to, by the Emperor Frederick Bar- 
barossa. 

These had rebelled against him in his ab- 
sence, and ignominiously turned the empress 
out of the city, mounting her a horseback on 
a mule called Thacor, with her breech fore- 
most towards the old jaded mule's head, and 
her face turned towards the crupper. Now 
Frederick being returned, mastered them, 
and caused so careful a search to be made, 
that he found out and got the famous mule 
Thacor. Then the hangman, by his order, 
clapped a fig into the mule's jimcrack, in the 
presence of the enslaved cits that were 
brought into the middle of the great market- 
place, and proclaimed, in the emperor's 
name, with trumpets, that whosoever of them 
would save his own life, should publicly pull 
the fig out with his teeth, and after that, put 
it in again in the very individual cranny 
whence he had drawn it, without using his 
hands, and that whoever refused to do this, 
should presently swing for it, and die in his 
shoes. Some sturdy fools, standing upon their 
punctillio, chose honourably to be hanged, 



286 



RABELAIS 



rather than submit to so shameful and abom- 
inable a disgrace; and others, less nice in 
point of ceremony, took heart of grace, and 
even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for 
it, rather than make a worse figure with a 
hempen collar, and die in the air, at so short 
warning: accordingly when they had neatly 
picked out the fig with their teeth, from old 
Thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed 
it the head's-man, saying, Ecco lo fico, behold 
the fig. 

By the same ignominy the rest of these 
poor distressed Gaillardets saved their bacon, 
becoming tributaries and slaves, and the 
name of Pope-figs was given them, because 
they said, A fig for the pope's image. Since 
this, the poor wretches never prospered, but 
every year the devil was at their doors, and 
they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, 
and all manner of woes, as an everlasting pun- 
ishment for the sin of their ancestors and re- 
lations. Perceiving the misery and calamity of 
that generation, we did not care to go further 
up into the country; contenting ourselves with 
going into a little chapel near the haven, to 
take some holy water. It was dilapidated and 
ruined, wanting also a cover like Saint Peter 
at Rome. When we were in, as we dipped our 
fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in 
the middle of that holy pickle, a fellow muf- 
fled up with stoles, all under water, like a div- 
ing duck, except the tip of his snout to draw 
his breath. About him stood three priests, true 
shavelings, clean shorn, and polled, who were 
muttering strange words to the devils out of a 
conjuring book. 

Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, 
and, inquiring what kind of sport these were 
at, was told, that, for three years last past, the 
plague had so dreadfully raged in the island, 
that the better half of it had been utterly de- 
populated, and the lands lay fallow and unoc- 
cupied. Now, the mortality being over, this 
same fellow, who had crept into the holy tub, 
having a large piece of ground, chanced to be 
sowing it with white winter wheat, at the 
very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly 
sucking devil, who could not yet write or 
read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on 
parsley or coleworts, had got leave of his mas- 
ter Lucifer to go into this Island of Pope-figs, 
where the devils were very familiar with the 
men and women, and often went to take their 
pastime. 

This same devil got thither, directed his 
discourse to the husbandman, and asked him 



what he was doing. The poor man told him, 
that he was sowing the ground with corn, to 
help him to subsist the next year. Ay, but the 
ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, 
cried the devil, but mine; for since the time 
that you mocked the pope, all this land has 
been proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned 
to us. However, to sow corn is not my prov- 
ince: therefore I will give thee leave to sow 
the field, that is to say, provided we share the 
profit. I will, replied the farmer. I mean, said 
the devil, that of what the land shall bear, 
two lots shall be made, one of what shall grow 
above ground, the other of what shall be cov- 
ered with earth: the right of choosing belongs 
to me; for I am a devil of noble and ancient 
race; thou art a base clown. I therefore chose 
what shall lie under ground, take thou what 
shall be above. When dost thou reckon to 
reap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth 
the farmer. Well, said the devil, I'll not fail 
thee then: in the meantime, slave as thou 
oughtest. Work, clown, work: I am going to 
tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring, the nuns 
of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and 
the gluttonish crew: I am more than sure of 
these. They need but meet, and the job is 
done: true fire and tinder, touch and take: 
down falls nun and up gets friar. 

CHAPTER 46 

How a junior devil was fooled by a husband- 
man of Pope-Figland 

IN the middle of July, the devil came to the 
place aforesaid, with all his crew at his heels, 
a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and 
having met the farmer, said to him, Well, 
clodpate, how hast thou done, since I went? 
Thou and I must share the concern. Ay, mas- 
ter devil, quoth the clown, it is but reason we 
should. Then he and his men began to cut 
and reap the corn : and, on the other side, the 
devil's imps fell to work, grubbing up and 
pulling out the stubble by the root. 

The countryman had his corn thrashed, 
winnowed it, put it into sacks, and went with 
it to market. The same did the devil's ser- 
vants, and sat them down there by the man 
to sell their straw. The countryman sold off 
his corn at a good rate, and with the money 
filled an old kind of a demi-buskin, which was 
fastened to his girdle. But the devil a sou the 
devils took: far from taking handsel, they 
were flouted and jeered by the country louts. 

Market being over, quoth the devil to the 



PANTAGRUEL 



287 



farmer, Well, clown, thou hast choused me 
once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, it will 
be mine. Nay, good sir devil, replied the 
farmer, how can I be said to have choused 
you, since it was your worship that chose 
first? The truth is, that, by this trick, you 
thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing 
would spring out of the earth for my share, 
and that you should find whole under ground 
the corn which I had sowed, and with it 
tempt the poor and needy, the close hypo- 
crite, or the covetous griper; thus making 
them fall into your snares. But troth, you 
must even go to school yet: you are no con- 
juror, for aught I see: for the corn that was 
sown is dead and rotten, its corruption having 
caused the generation of that which you saw 
me sell: so you chose the worst, and there- 
fore are cursed in the gospel. Well, talk no 
more of it, quoth the devil: what canst thou 
sow our field with for next year? If a man 
would make the best of it, answered the 
ploughman, it were fit he sow it with rad- 
ishes. Now, cried the devil, thou talkcst like 
an honest fellow, bumpkin : well, sow me good 
store of radishes, I will see and keep them 
safe from storms, and will not hail a bit on 
them. But harkye me, this time I bespeak for 
my share what shall be above ground; what 
is under shall be thine. Drudge on, looby, 
drudge on. I am going to tempt heretics; their 
souls are dainty victuals, when broiled in 
rashers, and well powdered. My Lord Luci- 
fer has the griping in the guts; they will make 
a dainty warm dish for his honour's maw. 

When the season of radishes was come, our 
devil failed not to meet in the field, with a 
train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, 
and finding there the farmer and his men, he 
began to cut and gather the leaves of the rad- 
ishes. After him the farmer with his spade 
dug up the radishes, and clapped them up 
into pouches^ This done, the farmer, and 
their gangs, hied them to market, and there 
the farmer presently made good money of his 
radishes: but the poor devil took nothing; 
nay, what was worse, he was made a common 
laughing stock by the gaping hoy dons. I see 
thou hast played me a scurvy trick, thou vil- 
lanous fellow, cried the angry devil: at last I 
am fully resolved even to make an end of the 
business betwixt thee and myself, about the 
ground, and these shall be the terms: we will 
clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us 
two shall first cry, Hold, shall quit his share of 
the field, which shall wholly belong to the 



conqueror. I fix the time for this trial of skill, 
on this day seven-night: assure thyself that I 
will claw thee off like a devil. I was going to 
tempt your fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of 
causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds, two- 
handed councillors, prevaricating solicitors, 
and other such vermin; but they were so civil 
as to send me word by an interpreter, that 
they are all mine already. Besides our master 
Lucifer is so cloyed with their souls, that he 
often sends them back to the smutty scullions, 
and slovenly devils of his kitchen, and they 
scarce go down with them, unless now and 
then, when they are high-seasoned. 

Some say there is no breakfast like a stu- 
dent's, no dinner like a lawyer's, no after- 
noon's nunchion like a vinedresser's, no sup- 
per like a tradesman's, no second supper like 
a serving wench's, and none of these meals 
equal to a frockified hobgoblin's. All this is 
true enough. Accordingly, at my Lord Luci- 
fer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps in 
cowls, are a standing dish. He willingly used 
to breakfast on students; but, alas, I do not 
know by what ill luck they have of late years 
joined the Holy Bible to their studies: so the 
devil a one we can get down among us; and I 
verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the 
tribe of Levi help us in it, taking from the en- 
lightened book -mongers their St. Paul, either 
by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and 
faggot, we shall not be able to hook in any 
more of them, to nibble at below. He dines 
commonly on councillors, mischief-mongers, 
multipliers of law suits, such as wrest and 
pervert right and law, and grind and fleece 
the poor: he never fears to want any of these. 
But who can endure to be wedded to a dish? 

He said, the other day, at a full chapter, 
that he had a great mind to eat the soul of 
one of the fraternity of the cowl, that had for- 
got to speak for himself, in his sermon; and 
he promised double pay, and a large pension, 
to any one that should bring him such a tit-bit 
piping hot. We all went a hunting after such 
a rarity, but came home without the prey: for 
they all admonish the good women to remem- 
ber their convent. As for afternoon nunch- 
ions, he has left them off, since he was so woe- 
fully griped with the cholic; his fosterers, sut- 
lers, charcoal -men, and boiling cooks having 
been sadly mauled and peppered off in the 
northern countries. 

His high devilship sups very well on trades- 
men, usurers, apothecaries, cheats, coiners, 
and adulterers of wares. Now and then, when 



288 



RABELAIS 



he is on the merry pin, his second supper is 
of serving wenches; who, after they have, by 
stealth, soaked their faces with their master's 
good liquor, fill up the vessel with it at second 
hand, or with other stinking water. 

Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am go- 
ing to tempt the students of Trebisonde, to 
leave father and mother, forego for ever the 
established and common rule of living, dis- 
claim and free themselves from obeying their 
lawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute lib- 
erty, proudly despise every one, laugh at all 
mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap 
of poetic licence, become so many pretty 
hobgoblins. 

CHAPTER 47 

How the Devil was deceived bij an old wom- 
an of Pope-Figland 

THE country lob trudged home very much 
concerned and thoughtful, you may swear; 
insomuch that his good woman, seeing him 
thus look moping, weened that something 
had been stolen from him at market: but 
when she had heard the cause of his afflic- 
tion, and seen his budget well lined with coin, 
she bade him be of good cheer, assuring him 
that he would be never the worse for the 
scratching bout in question; wishing him on- 
ly to leave her to manage that business, and 
not trouble his head about it; for she had al- 
ready contrived how to bring him off clever- 
ly. Let the worst come to the worst, said the 
husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I'll 
yield at the first stroke, and quit the field. 
Quit a fart, replied the wife; he shall have 
none of the field: rely upon me, and be quiet; 
let me alone to deal with him, You say he is a 
pimping little devil, that is enough; I will 
soon make him give up the field, I will war- 
rant you. Indeed, had he been a great devil, 
it had been somewhat. 

The day that we landed in the island hap- 
pened to be that which the devil had fixed for 
the combat. Now the countryman, having, 
like a good Catholic, very fairly confessed 
himself and received, betimes in the morn- 
ing, by the advice of the vicar, had hid him- 
self, all but the snout, in the holy water pot, 
in the posture in which we found him; and 
just as they were telling us this story, news 
came that the old woman had fooled the dev- 
il, and gained the field. You may not be sorry, 
perhaps, to hear how this happened. 

The devil, you must know, came to the 



poor man's door, and rapping there, cried, So 
ho! ho the house! ho, clodpate! where art 
thou! Come out with a vengeance; come out 
with a wannion; come out and be damned: 
now for clawing. Then briskly and resolutely 
entering the house, and not finding the coun- 
tryman there, he spied his wife lying on the 
ground piteously weeping and howling. 
What is the matter? asked the devil. Where is 
he? what does he? Oh! that I knew where he 
is, replied threescore and five, the wicked 
rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer. He 
has spoiled me; I am undone; I die of what he 
has done to me. How, cried the devil, what is 
it? I will tickle him off for you by and by. 
Alas, cried the old dissembler, he told me, the 
butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils, told 
me, that he had made a match to scratch with 
you this day, and to try his claws, he did but 
just touch me with his little finger, here be- 
twixt the legs, and has spoiled me for ever. 
Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be my- 
self again: do but see! Nay, and besides, he 
talked of going to the smith's, to have his 
pounces sharpened and pointed. Alas! you 
are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir, scamper 
quickly, I am sure he won't stay; save your- 
self, I beseech you. While she said this, she 
uncovered herself up to the chin, after the 
manner in which the Persian women met 
their children who fled from the fight, and 

Elainly showed her what do ye call it. The 
-ighten'd devil, seeing the enormous solution 
of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed 
himself, and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, 
Megasra, Alecto, Persephone; 'slife, catch me 
here when he comes! I am gone: 'sdeath, 
what a gash! I resign him the field. 

Having heard the catastrophe of the story, 
we retired a shipboard, not being willing to 
stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the 
poor's box of the fabric of the church, eigh- 
teen thousand good royals, in commiseration 
of the poverty of the people, and the calamity 
of the place. 

CHAPTER 48 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the Island of 
Papimany 

HAVING left the desolate Island of the Pope- 
figs, we sailed, for the space of a day, very 
fairly and merrily, and made the blessed Is- 
land Papimany. As soon as we had dropt an- 
chor in the road, before we had well moored 
our ship with ground-tackle, four persons, in 



PANTAGRUEL 



289 



different garbs, rowed towards us in a skiff. 
One of them was dressed like a monk in his 
frock, draggle-tailed, and booted: the other 
like a falconer, with a lure, and a long- 
winged hawk on his fist: the third like a solici- 
tor, with a large bag, full of informations, 
subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases and 
other implements of pettifogging. The fourth 
looked like one of your vine barbers about 
Orleans, with a jantee pair of canvass trou- 
sers, a dosser, and a pruning knife at his gir- 
die. 

As soon as the boat had clapped them on 
board, they all with one voice asked, Have 
you seen him, good passengers, have you 
seen him? Who? asked Pantagruel. You 
know, answered they. Who is it? asked Friar 
John. 'Sblood and 'ounds, I'll thrash him thick 
and threefold. This he said, thinking that they 
inquired after some robber, murderer, or 
church-breaker. Oh wonderful, cried the four, 
do not you foreign people know the one? Sirs, 
replied Epistemon, we do not understand 
those terms : but if you will be pleased to let 
us know who you mean, we will tell you the 
truth of the matter, without any more ado. 
We mean, said they, He that is. Did you ever 
see him? He that is, returned Pantagruel, ac- 
cording to our theological doctrine, is God, 
who said to Moses, I am that I am. We never 
saw him, nor can he be beheld by mortal 
eyes. We mean nothing less than that su- 
preme God, who rules in heaven, replied 
they; we mean the god on earth. Did you ever 
see him? Upon my honour, replied Carpalim, 
they mean the pope. Ay, ay, answered Pan- 
urge : yea verily, gentlemen, I have seen three 
of them, whose sight has not much bettered 
me. How! cried they, our sacred decretals in- 
form us, that there never is more than one 
living. I mean successively, one after the oth- 
er, returned Panurge: otherwise I never saw 
more than one at a time. 

O thrice and four times happy people! 
cried they, you are welcome, and more than 
double welcome! They then kneeled down 
before us and would have kissed our feet, but 
we would not suffer it, telling them that, 
should the pope come thither in his own per- 
son, it is all they could do to him. No, certain- 
ly, answered tney, for we have already re- 
solved upon the matter. We would kiss his 
bare arse, without boggling at it, arid eke his 
two pounders : for he has a pair of them, the 
holy father, that he has; we find it so by our 
five decretals, otherwise he could not be 



pope. So that, according to our subtile decre- 
talin philosophy, this is a necessary conse- 
quence: he is pope; therefore, he has geni- 
tories (genitals) and should genitories no 
more be found in the world, the world could 
no more have a pope. 

While they were talking thus, Pantagruel 
inquired of one of the coxswain's crew, who 
those persons were? He answered, that they 
were the four estates of the realm; and added, 
that we should be made as welcome as prin- 
ces, since we had seen the pope. Panurge hav- 
ing been acquainted with this by Pantagruel, 
said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, it 
is even so; he that has patience may compass 
any thing. Our seeing the pope hath done us 
no good; now, in the devil's name, it will do 
us a great deal. We then went ashore, and the 
whole country, men, women, and children, 
came to meet us as in a solemn procession. 
Our four estates cried out to them with a loud 
voice, They have seen him! they have seen 
him! they have seen him! That proclamation 
being made, all the mob kneeled before us, 
lifting up their hands towards heaven, and 
crying, O happy men! O most happy! and this 
acclamation lasted about a quarter of an 
hour. 

Then came the school-master of the place, 
with all his ushers, and school-boys, whom he 
magisterially flogged, as they used to whip 
children in our country formerly, when some 
criminal was hanged, that they might remem- 
ber it. This displeased Pantagruel, who said 
to them, Gentlemen, if you do not leave off 
whipping these poor children, I am gone. 
The people were amazed, hearing his stento- 
rian voice; and I saw a little hump with long 
fingers, say to the hypodidascal, What! in the 
name of wonder do all those that see the pope 
grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens 
us! Ah! how I shall think time long till I have 
seen him too, that I may grow and look as big. 
In short, the acclamations were so great, that 
Homenas (so they called their bishop) has- 
tened thither, on an unbridled mule, with 
green trappings, attended by his apposts (as 
they said) and his supposts, or officers, bear- 
ing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, 
torches, holy water-pots, etc. He too wanted 
to kiss our feet, (as the good Christian Val- 
finier did to Pope Clement, ) saying, that one 
of their hypothetes, that is, one of the scaven- 
gers, scourers, and commentators of their 
holy decretals, had written that, in the same 
manner as the Messiah, so long and so much 



290 



RABELAIS 



expected by the Jews, at last appeared among 
them; so, on some happy day of God, the 
pope would come into that island; and that, 
while they waited for that blessed time, if 
any who had seen him at Rome, or elsewhere, 
chanced to come among them, they should be 
sure to make much of them, feast them plen- 
tifully, and treat them with a great deal of 
reverence. However, we civilly desired to be 
excused. 

CHAPTER 49 

How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed 
us the Uranopet decretals 

HOMENAS then said to us : It is enjoined us by 
our holy decretals to visit churches first, and 
taverns after. Therefore, not to decline that 
fine institution, let us go to church; we will 
afterwards go and feast ourselves. Man of 
God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we 
will follow you: you spoke in the matter 
properly, and like a good Christian; it is long 
since we saw any such. For my part this re- 
joices my mind very much, and I verily be- 
lieve that I shall have the better stomach af- 
ter it. Well it is a happy thing to meet with 
good men! Being come near the gate of the 
church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and 
covered all over with precious stones, as ru- 
bies, emeralds, diamonds, and pearls, more, 
or at least as valuable as those which Augus- 
tus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus. This 
book hung in the air, being fastened with two 
thick chains of gold to the zoophore of the 
porch. We looked on it, and admired it. As 
for Pantagruel, he handled it, and dandled it, 
and turned it as he pleased, for he could 
reach it without straining; and he protested, 
that whenever he touched it, he was seized 
with a pleasant tickling at his finger's end, 
new life and activity in his arms, and a vio- 
lent temptation in his mind to beat one or two 
Serjeants, or such officers, provided they were 
not of the shaveling kind. Homenas then said 
to us, The law was formerly given to the Jews 
by Moses, written by God himself. At Del- 
phos, before the portal of Apollo's temple, 
this sentence, TNtteiSEATTON was found 
written with a divine hand. And some time 
after it, E I was also seen and as divinely 
written and transmitted from heaven. Cy- 
bele's image was brought out of heaven, into 
a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; so was 
that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe 
Euripides; the oriflamb, or holy standard, 



was transmitted out of heaven to the noble 
and most Christian kings of France, to fight 
against the unbelievers. In the reign of Numa 
Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the 
famous copper buckler called Ancile, was 
seen to descend from heaven. At Acropolis, 
near Athens, Minerva's statue formerly fell 
from the imperial heaven. In like manner the 
sacred decretals, which you see, were written 
with the hand of an angel, of the cherubim 
kind. You outlandish people will hardly be- 
lieve this, I fear, Little enough of conscience, 
said Panurge. And then, continued Homen- 
as, they were miraculously transmitted to us 
here from the very heaven of heavens; in the 
same manner as the river Nile is called Dii- 
petes by Homer, the father of all philosophy, 
(the holy decretals always excepted.) Now, 
because you have seen the pope, their evan- 
gelist and everlasting protector, we will give 
you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, 
if you think meet. But then you must fast 
three days before, and canonically confess; 
nicely and strictly mustering up, and inven- 
torising your sins great and small, so thick 
that one single circumstance of them may not 
escape you; as our holy decretals, which you 
see direct. This will take up some time. Man 
of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and 
descried decrees, and eke decretals enough of 
conscience; some on paper, others on parch- 
ment, fine and gay like any painted paper 
lantern, some on vellum, some in manuscript, 
and others in print: so you need not take half 
these pains to show these. We will take the 
good-will for the deed, and thank you as 
much as if we had. Ay, marry, said Homenas, 
but you never saw those that are angelically 
written. Those in your country are only tran- 
scripts from ours; as we find it written by one 
of our old decretaline scholiasts. For me, do 
not spare me; I do not value the labour; so I 
may serve you: do but tell me whether you 
will be confessed, and fast only three short 
little days of God? As for confessing, an- 
swered Panurge, there can be no great harm 
in it; but this same fasting, master of mine, 
will hardly down with us at this time, for we 
have so very much overfasted ourselves at 
sea, that the spiders have spun their cobwebs 
over our grinders. Do but look on this good 
Friar John des Entomeures, (Homenas then 
courteously demy-clipped him about the 
neck) some moss is growing in his throat, for 
want of bestirring and exercising his chaps. 
He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I 



PANTAGRUEL 



291 



have so much fasted that I am almost grown 
hump-shouldered. Come, then, let us go into 
the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive 
us if for the present, we do not sing you a fine 
high mass. The hour of mid-day is past, and 
after it our sacred decretals forbid us to sing 
mass, I mean your high and lawful mass. But 
I will say a low and dry one, for you. I had 
rather have one moistened with some good 
Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to 
your low mass, and dispatch. Odd's-boddi- 
kins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to the guts 
that I must have an empty stomach at this 
time of day. For, had I eaten a good breakfast 
and fed like a monk, if he should chance to 
sing us the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Do- 
mine, 21 I had then brought thither bread and 
wine for the traits passez, (those that are 
gone before.) Well, patience; pull away, and 
save tide: short and sweet, I pray you, and 
this for a cause. 

CHAPTER 50 

How Homenas showed us the Arch-type, or 
representation of a pope 

MASS being mumbled over, Homenas took a 
huge bundle of keys out of a trunk near the 
head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so 
many key-holes; put back so many springs; 
then with fourteen more mastered so many 
padlocks, and at last opened an iron window 
stiongly barred above the said altar. This be- 
ing done, in token of great mystery, he cov- 
ered himself with wet sackcloth, and drawing 
a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an im- 
age daubed over, coarsely enough, to my 
thinking: then he touched it with a pretty 
long stick, and made us all kiss the part of 
the stick that had touched the image. After 
this he said unto us, What think you of this 
image? It is the likeness of a pope, answered 
Pantagruel: I know it by the triple crown, his 
furred arnice, his rochet, and his slipper. You 
are in the right, said Homenas; it is the idea 
of that same good god on earth, whose com- 
ing we devoutly await, and whom we hope 
one day to see in this country. O happy, 
wished for, and much expected day! and hap- 
py, most happy you, wnose propitious stars 
have so favoured you, as to let you see the liv- 
ing and real face of this good god on earth! 
by the single sight of whose picture we ob- 
tain full remission of all the sins which we re- 
member that we have committed, as also a 
third part, and eighteen quarantaines of the 



sins which we have forgot: and indeed we 
only see it on high annual holidays. 

This caused Pantagruel to say, that it was 
a work like those which D&dalus used to 
make, since, though it were deformed and ill 
drawn, nevertheless some divine energy, in 
point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. 
Thus, said Friar John, at Seville, the rascally 
beggars being one evening on a solemn holi- 
day at supper in the spital, one bragged of 
having got six hlancs, or two-pence half-pen- 
ny; another eight liards, or two-pence; a 
third, seven caroluses, or six-pence; but an 
old mumper made his vaunts of having got 
three testons, or five shillings. Ah, but, cried 
his comrades, thou hast a leg of God; as if, 
continued Friar John, some divine virtue 
could lie hid in a stenching ulcerated rotten 
shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, when you are 
for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so 
kind as not to forget to provide a bason, Friar 
John : I'll assure you, I had much ado to for- 
bear bringing up my breakfast. Fie! I won- 
der a man of your coat is not ashamed to use 
thus the sacred name of God, in speaking of 
things so filthy and abominable! fie, I say. If 
among your monking tribes such an abuse of 
words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, 
and do not let it come out of the cloisters. 
Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a 
kind of divinity to some diseases: Nero also 
extolled mushrooms, and, in a Greek proverb, 
termed them divine food, because with them 
he had poisoned Claudius his predecessor. 
But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture 
is not over like our late pope's. For I have 
seen them, not with their pallium, amice, or 
rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, 
more like the top of a Persian turban; and 
while the Christian commonwealth was in 
peace, they alone were most furiously and 
cruelly making war. This must have been 
then, returned Homenas, against the rebelli- 
ous, heretical Protestants; reprobates, who 
are disobedient to the holiness of this good 
god on earth. It is not only lawful for him to 
do so, but it is enjoined him by the sacred de- 
cretals; and if any dare transgress one single 
iota against their commands, whether they be 
emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or common- 
wealths, he is immediately to pursue them 
with fire and sword, strip them of all their 
goods, take their kingdoms from them, pro- 
scribe them, anathematize them, and destroy 
not only their bodies, those of their children, 
relations, and others, but damn also their 



292 



RABELAIS 



souls to the very bottom of the most hot and 
burning cauldron in hell. Here, in the devil's 
name, said Panurge, the people are no her- 
etics; such as was our Raminagrobis, and as 
they are in Germany and England. You are 
Christians of the best edition, all picked and 
culled, for aught I see. Ay, marry are we, re- 
turned Homenas, and for that reason we shall 
all be saved. Now let us go and bless our- 
selves with holy- water, and then to dinner. 



CHAPTER 51 

Table-talk in praise of the decretals 

Now, topers, pray observe that while Ho- 
menas was saying his dry mass, three collec- 
tors, or licensed beggars of the church, each 
of them with a large bason, went round 
among the people with a loud voice; Pray re- 
member the blessed men who have seen his 
face. As we came out of the temple, they 
brought their basons brim full of papimany 
chink to Homenas, who told us that it was 
plentifully to feast with; and that, of this con- 
tribution and voluntary tax, one part should 
be laid out in good drinking, another in good 
eating, and the remainder in both: according 
to an admirable exposition hidden in a corner 
of their holy decretals; which was performed 
to a T, and that at a noted tavern not much 
unlike that of Will's at Amiens. Believe me, 
we tickled it off there with copious cram- 
ming, and numerous swilling. 

I made two notable observations at that 
dinner: the one, that there was not one dish 
served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs, 
(of which latter there is great plenty in Papi- 
many,) pigeons, conies, leverets, turkeys, or 
others, witnout abundance of magistral stuf- 
fing: the other, that every course, and the 
fruit also, were served up by unmarried fe- 
males of the place, tight lasses, I will assure 
you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and 
comely, spruce, and fit for business. They 
were all clad in fine long white albs, with two 
girdles; their hair interwoven with narrow 
tape and purple riband, stuck with roses, 
gilly-flowers, marjoram, dafficlown-dillies, 
thyme, and other sweet flowers. 

At every cadence, they invited us to drink 
and bang it about, dropping us neat and gen- 
teel courtesies: nor was the sight of them un- 
welcome to all the company; and as for Friar 
John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur 
that steals a capon. When the first course was 



taken off, the females melodiously sung us an 
epode in the praise of the sacrosant decre- 
tals; and then the second course being served 
up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, said to one 
of the she butlers, Light here, Clerica. Im- 
mediately one of the girls brought him a tall- 
boy brim-full of extravagant wine. He took 
fast hold of it, and fetching a deep sigh, said 
to Pantagruel, My lord, and you my good 
friends, here's to ye, with all my heart: you 
are all very welcome. When he had tipped 
that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty 
creature, he lifted up his voice and said, O 
most holy decretals, how good is good 
wine found through your means! This is 
the best jest we have had yet, observed 
Panurge. But it would still be better, said 
Pantagruel, if they could turn bad wine into 
good. 

O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, 
how necessary arc you not to the salvation of 
poor mortals! O cherubic Clementina*! how 
perfectly the perfect institution of a true 
Christian is contained and described in you! 
O angelical Extra vagantes!' 2 ' 2 how many poor 
souls that wander up and down in mortal 
bodies, through this vale of misery, would 
perish, were it not for you! When, ah! when 
shall this special gift of grace be bestowed 
on mankind, as to lay aside all other studies 
and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to 
understand you, to know you by heart, to 
practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you 
into blood, and incentre you into the deepest 
ventricles of their brains, the inmost marrow 
of their bones, and most intricate labyrinth of 
their arteries? Then, ah, then! and no sooner 
than then, nor otherwise than thus, shall the 
world be happy! While the old man was thus 
running on, Epistemon rose and softly said to 
Panurge, For want of a close stool, T must 
even leave you for a moment or two: this 
stuff has unbunged the orifice of my mustard- 
barrel: but I'll not tarry long. 

Then, ah then! continued Homenas, no 
hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing, or vis ma- 
jor: then plenty of all earthly goods here be- 
low. Then uninterrupted and eternal peace 
through the universe, an end of all wars, 
plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassi- 
nates, unless it be to destroy these cursed 
rebels the heretics. Oh, then, rejoicing, cheer- 
fulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious 
pleasures, over the face of the earth. Oh! 
what great learning, inestimable erudition, 
and god-like precepts, are knit, linked, rivet- 



PANTAGRUEL 



293 



ed, and mortised in the divine chapters of 
these eternal decretals! 

Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one 
demy canon, short paragraph, or single ob- 
servation of these sacrosanct decretals, how 
wonderfully, I say, do you not perceive to 
kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love, 
charity towards your neighbour, (provided 
he be no heretic, ) bold contempt of all casual 
and sublunary things, firm content in all your 
affections, and ecstatic elevation of soul even 
to the third heaven. 

CHAPTER 52 

A continuation of the miracles caused by the 
decretals 

SPOKK like an organ, quoth Panurge; but for 
my part, I believe as little of it as I can. For, 
one day by chance I happened to read a 
chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most de- 
cretalipotent Scotch doctor's, and old Nick 
turn me into bumf odder, if this did not make 
me so hide-bound and costive, that for four 
or five days I hardly scumbered one poor 
butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full 
as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us 
were those of his neighbour Furius: 

Nee toto decies cacas in anno, 
Atqiie id durius est fabd, ct lapillis: 
Quod tn si manibiis terns, fricesqtie, 
Non itnquam digitum inqninare possis. 23 

Oh, ho, cried Homenas, by our lady, it may 
be you were then in a state of mortal sin, my 
friend. Well turned, cried Panurge, this was 
a new strain egad. 

One day, said Friar John, at Seville I had 
applied to my posteriors, by way of hind- 
towel, a leaf of an old Clementinas which our 
rent-gatherer, John Guimard, had thrown 
out into the green of our cloister; now the 
devil broil me like a black pudding, if I was 
not so abominably plagued with chaps, 
chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the 
orifice of my poor nockandroe was in a most 
woeful pickle for I do not know how long. By 
our lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain pun- 
ishment of God, for the sin that you had com- 
mitted in bewraying that sacred book, which 
you ought rather to have kissed and adored; 
I say with an adoration of latria, or of hyper- 
dulia 24 at least: the Panormitan never told a 
lie in the matter. 

Saith Ponocrates: At Montpelier, John 



Choiiart having bought of the monks of St. 
Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on 
fine large parchment of Lamballe, to beat 
gold between the leaves, not so much as a 
piece that was beaten in them came to good, 
but all were dilacerated and spoiled. Mark 
this, cried Homenas; it was a divine punish- 
ment and vengeance. 

At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, 
apothecary, had turned an old set of Extrava- 
gcintes into waste paper: may I never stir, if 
whatever was lapped up in them was not im- 
mediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; in- 
cense, pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, 
wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all drugs and 
spices, were all lost without exception. Mark, 
mark, (moth Homenas, an effect of divine jus- 
tice! This comes of putting the sacred Scrip- 
tures to such profane uses. 

At Paris, said Carpalim, snip Groignet the 
tailor had turned an old Clementina into 
patterns and measures, and all the clothes 
that were cut on them were utterly spoiled 
and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jer- 
kins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, pet- 
ticoats, corps de robes, farthingales, and so 
forth. Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut 
you out a codpiece; instead of a cassock, he 
would make you a high-crowned hat; for a 
waistcoat, he would shape you out a rochet; 
on the pattern of a doublet, he would make 
you a thing like a frying-pan; then his jour- 
neymen having stitched it up, did jag it and 
pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like a 
pan to fry chesnuts. Instead of a cape, lie 
made a buskin; for a farthingale, he shaped a 
montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, 
he would cut out a pair of our big out-strout- 
ing Swiss breeches, with panes like the 
outside of a tabour. Insomuch that Snip 
was condemned to make good the stuffs to 
all his customers; and to this day poor 
cabbage's hair grows through his hood, and 
his arse through his pocket-holes. Mark, an 
effect of heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried 
Homenas. 

At Cahusnc, said Gymnast, a match being 
made by the lords of Estissac and Viscount 
Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had tak- 
en to pieces a set of decretals, and set one of 
the leaves for the white to shoot at: now I 
sell, nay I give and bequeath for ever and 
aye, the mould of my doublet to fifteen hun- 
dred hampers full of black devils, if ever any 
archer in the country (though they are singu- 
lar marksmen in Guienne) could hit the 



294 



RABELAIS 



white. Not the least bit of the holy scribble 
was contaminated or touched: nay, and San- 
sornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, 
figues dioures, hard figs, ( his greatest oath, ) 
that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly 
seen the bolt of Carquelin moving right to 
the round circle in the middle of the white; 
and that just on the point, when it was going 
to hit and enter, it had gone aside above sev- 
en foot and four inches wide of it towards the 
bakehouse. 

Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle! 
Clerica, come wench, light, light here. Here's 
to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me 
very sound Christians. While he said this, the 
maidens began to snicker at his elbow, grin- 
ning, giggling, and twittering among them- 
selves. Friar John began to paw, neigh, and 
whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to 
leap, or at least to play the ass, and get up 
and ride tantivy to the devil, like a beggar on 
horseback. 

Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might 
have been more out of danger near the white 
of which Gymnast spoke, than was formerly 
Diogenes near another. How is that? asked 
Homenas; what was it? Was he one of our 
decretalists? Rarely fallen in again egad, said 
Epistemon, returning from stool; I see he will 
hook his decretals in, though by the head and 
shoulders. 

Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day, for 
pastime, went to see some archers that shot 
at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that, 
when it was his turn to shoot, all the bystand- 
ers went aside, lest he should mistake them 
for the mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot 
extremely wide of it: so when the other was 
taking aim a second time, and the people re- 
moved at a great distance to the right and 
left of the white, he placed himself close by 
the mark; holding that place to be the safest, 
and that so bad an archer would certainly 
rather hit any other. 

One of the Lord d'Estissac's pages at last 
found out the charm, pursued Gymnast, and 
by his advice Perotin put in another white 
made up of some papers of Pouillac's lawsuit, 
and then every one shot cleverly. 

At Landerousse, said Rhizotomus, at John 
Delifs wedding were very great doings, as 
it was then the custom of the country. After 
supper, several farces, interludes, and comi- 
cal scenes were acted: they had also several 
morris-dancers with bells and tabours; and 
divers sorts of masks and mummers were let 



in. My school-fellows and I, to grace the festi- 
val to the best of our power, (for fine white 
and purple liveries had been given to all of us 
in the morning) contrived a merry mask with 
store of cockle-shells, shells of snails, peri- 
winkles, and such other. Then for want of 
cuckoo pintle, or priest-pintle, lousebur, 
clote, and paper, we made ourselves false 
faces with the leaves of an old Sextum, that 
had been thiovvn by, and lay there for any 
one that would take it up: cutting out holes 
for the eyes, nose, and mouth. Now, did you 
ever hear the like since you were born? when 
we had played out little boyish antic tricks, 
and came to take off our sham faces, we ap- 
peared more hideous and ugly than the little 
devils that acted the "Passion" at Douay: for 
our faces were utterly spoiled at the places 
which had been touched by those leaves: one 
had there the small-pox; another, God's tok- 
en, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinck- 
ums; a fourth, the measles; a fifth, botches, 
pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off 
the least hurt, who only lost his teeth by the 
bargain. Miracle! bawled out Homenas, mir- 
acle! 

Hold, hold, cried Rhizotomus, it is not yet 
time to clap. My sister Kate, and my sister 
Ken, had put the crepines of their hoods, their 
ruffles, snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new 
washed, starched, and ironed, into that very 
book of decretals; for, you must know, it was 
covered with thick boards, and had strong 
clasps. Now by the virtue of God Hold, in- 
terrupted Homenas, what God do you mean? 
There is but one, answered Rhizotomus. In 
heaven, I grant, replied Homenas; but we 
have another here on earth, do you see. Ay, 
marry have we, said Rhizotomus; but on my 
soul I protest I had quite forgot it. Well then, 
by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, 
neck-ruffs, bibs, coifs, and other linen, turned 
as black as a charcoal-man's sack. Miracle! 
cried Homenas. Here, Clerica, light me here; 
and pr'ythee, girl, observe these rare stories. 
How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John, 
that people say, 

Ever since decrees had tails, 
And gens d'armes lugged heavy mails, 
Since each monk would have a horse, 
All went here from bad to worse. 

I understand you, answered Homenas: 
this is one of the quirks and little satires of the 
newfangled heretics. 



PANTAGRUEL 



295 



CHAPTER 53 



How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is 
subtilehj drawn out of France to Rome 

I WOULD, said Epistemon, it had cost me a 
pint of the best tripe that ever can enter into 
gut, so we had but compared with the origi- 
nal the dreadful chapters, Execrabilis, De 
multa, Si plures, De annatis per totum, Nm 
essent, Cum ad monasterium, Quod delect io, 
Mandatum; K and certain others, that draw 
every year out of France to Rome, four hun- 
dred thousand ducats and more. 

Do you make nothing of this? asked Ho- 
menas. Though, methinks, after all, it is but 
little, if we consider that France, the most 
Christian, is the only nurse the see of Rome 
has. However, find me in the whole world a 
book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, 
mathematics, or other human learning, riay, 
even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, 
will draw as much money thence? None, 
none, pshaw, tush, blurt, pish; none can. You 
may look till your eyes drop out of your head, 
nay, till doomsday in the afternoon, before 
you can find another of that energy; I will 
pass my word for that. 

Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn 
and know it. Burn them, tear them, nip them 
with hot pincers, drown them, hang them, 
spit them at the bunghole, pelt them, pant 
them, bruise them, beat them, cripple them, 
dismember them, cut them, gut them, bowel 
them, paunch them, thrash them, slash them, 
gash them, chop them, slice them, slit them, 
carve them, saw them, bethwack them, pare 
them, hack them, hew them, mince them, flea 
them, boil them, broil them, roast them, toast 
them, bake them, fry them, crucify them, 
crush them, squeeze them, grind them, batter 
them, burst them, quarter them, unlirnb them, 
behump them, bethump them, belump them, 
belabour them, pepper them, spitchcock 
them, and carbonade them on gridirons, 
these wicked heretics! clccretalifuges, decre- 
talicides, worse than homicides, worse than 
patricides, decretalictiones of the devil of 
hell. 

As for you other good people, I must earn- 
estly pray and beseech you to believe no oth- 
er thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no 
other thing, than what's contained in our sa- 
cred decretals, and their corollaries, this fine 
Sextum, these fine Clement inx, these fine 
Extravagants. O deific books! So shall you 
enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, digni- 



ties, and preferments in this world; be re- 
vered, ana dreaded by all, preferred, elected, 
and chosen, above all men. 

For, there is not under the cope of heaven 
a condition of men, out of which you will find 
persons fitter to do and handle all things, 
than those who by divine prescience, eternal 
predestination, have applied themselves to 
the study of the holy decretals. 

Would you choose a woithy emperor, a 
good captain, a fit general in time of war, one 
that can well foresee all inconveniences, 
avoid all dangers, briskly and bravely bring 
his men on to a breach or attack, still be on 
sure grounds, always overcome without loss 
of his men, and know how to make a good 
use of his victory? Take me a decretist. No, 
no, I mean a decretalist. Ho, the foul blunder, 
whispered Epistemon. 

Would you, in time of peace, find a man 
capable of wisely governing the state of a 
commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, 
of a monarchy; sufficient to maintain the 
clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in 
wealth, friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, 
and honesty? Take a decretalist. 

Would you find a man, who, by his ex- 
emplary life, eloquence, and pious admoni- 
tions, may in a short time, without effusion of 
human blood, conquer the Holy Land, and 
bring over to the holy church the misbeliev- 
ing Turks, Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mame- 
lukes, and Sarrabonites? Take me a decreta- 
list. 

What makes, in many countries, the peo- 
ple rebellious and depraved, pages saucy and 
mischievous, students sottish and duncical? 
Nothing but that their governors, and tutors 
were not decretalists. 

But what, on your conscience, was it, do 
you think, that established, confirmed, and 
authorised those fine religious orders, with 
whom you see the Christian world every 
where adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the 
firmament is with its glorious stars? The holy 
decretals. 

What was it that founded, underpropped, 
and fixed, and now maintains, nourishes, and 
feeds the devout monks, and friars in con- 
vents, monasteries, and abbeys; so that did 
they not daily and nightly pray without ceas- 
ing, the world would be in evident danger of 
returning to its primitive chaos? The sacred 
decretals. 

What makes and daily increases the fa- 
mous and celebrated patrimony of St. Peter 



296 



RABELAIS 



in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spir- 
itual blessings? The holy decretals. 

What made the holy apostolic see and pope 
of Rome, in all times, and at this present, so 
dreadful in the universe, that all kings, em- 
perors, potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, 
must depend upon him, hold of him, be 
crowned, confirmed, and authorised by him, 
come thither to strike sail, buckle, and fall 
down before his holy slipper, whose picture 
you have seen? The mighty decretals of 
God. 

I will discover you a great secret. The uni- 
versities of your world have commonly a book 
either open or shut in their arms, and de- 
vices: what book do you think it is? Truly, I 
do not know, answered Pantagruel; I never 
read it. It is the decretals, said Homenas, 
without which the privileges of all universi- 
ties would soon be lost. You must own, that I 
have taught you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 

Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to 
funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to sweat; and 
then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered 
cap to one of the lasses, who clapt it on her 
pretty head with a great deal of joy, after she 
had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that 
she should be first married. Vivat, cried Epis- 
temon, fifat, bibat, pipat. 

apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; 
light, light, Clerica, light here with double 
lanterns. Now for the fruit, virgins. 

1 was saying then, that giving yourselves 
thus wholly to the study of the holy decretals, 
you will gain wealth and honour in this 
world: I add, that in the next you will infal- 
libly be saved in the blessed kingdom of 
heaven, whose keys are given to our good 
god and decretaliarch. O my good god, whom 
I adore and never saw, by thy special grace 
open unto us, at the point of death at least, 
this most sacred treasure of our holy mother 
church, whose protector, preserver, butler, 
chief larder, administrator, and disposer thou 
art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, 
that the precious works of supererogation, 
the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time of 
need: so that the devils may not find an op- 
portunity to gripe our precious souls, and the 
dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us. If 
we must pass through purgatory, thy will 
be done. It is in thy power to draw us out 
of it when thou pleasest. Here Homenas 
began to shed huge hot briny tears, to beat 
his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape 
of a cross. 



CHAPTER 54 



How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon- 
Christian pears 

EPISTEMON, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing 
this doleful catastrophe, began, under the 
cover of their napkins, to cry, meeow, meeow, 
meeow; feigning to wipe their eyes all the 
while as if they had wept. The wenches were 
doubly diligent, and brought brimmers of 
Clementine wine to every one, besides store 
of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was re- 
vived. 

Before we arose from table, Homenas gave 
us a great quantity of fair large pears; saying, 
Here, my good friends, these are singular 
good pears; you will find none such any 
where else, I dare warrant. Every soil bears 
not every thing, you know; India alone boasts 
black ebony; the best incense is produced in 
Saboea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos: so 
this island is the only place where such fine 
pears grow. You may, if you please, make 
nurseries with their kernels in your country. 

I like their taste extremely, said Pantagru- 
el. If they were sliced, and put into a pan on 
the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they 
would be very wholesome meat for the sick, 
as well as for the healthy. Pray what do you 
call them? No otherwise than you have 
heard, replied Homenas. We are a plain 
downright sort of people, as God would have 
it, and call figs, figs; plums, plums; and pears, 
pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to go 
home, which I hope will be speedily, God 
willing, I'll set off and graff some in my gar- 
den in Touraine, by the banks of the Loire, 
and will call them bon-Christian or good- 
Christian pears: for I never saw better Chris- 
tians than are these good Papimans. I would 
like him two to one better yet, said Friar 
John, would he but give us two or three cart- 
loads of yon buxom lasses. Why, what would 
you do with them? cried Homenas. Quoth 
Friar John, No harm, only bleed the kind- 
hearted souls straight between the two great 
toes, with certain clever lancets of the right 
stamp: by which operation good Christian 
children would be inoculated upon them, and 
the breed be multiplied in our country, in 
which there are not many over good, the 
more's the pity. 

Nay verily, replied Homenas, we cannot 
do this; for you would make them tread their 
shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil 
their shapes : you love mutton, I see, you will 



PANTAGRUEL 



297 



rim at sheep; I know you by that same nose 
and hair of yours, though I never saw your 
face before. Alas! alas! how kind you are! 
And would you indeed damn your precious 
soul? Our decretals forbid this. Ah, I wish 
you had them at your finger-end. Patience, 
said Friar John; but, si tu vis dare, prsesta, 
quccsurnus. 27 Matter of breviary. As for that, 
I defy all the world, and I fear no man that 
wears a head and a hood, though he were a 
chrystallin, I mean a decretalin doctor. 

Dinner being over, we took our leave of 
the right reverend Homenas, and of all the 
good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to 
make them amends for their kind entertain- 
ment, promised them that, at our coming to 
Rome, we would make our applications so 
effectually to the pope, that he would speed- 
ily be sure to come to visit them in person. 
After this we went on board. 

Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as 
an acknowledgment of the sight of the pope's 
picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double 
frized cloth of gold, to be set before the 
grates of the window. He also caused the 
church box, for its repairs and fabric, to be 
quite filled with double crowns of gold; and 
ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to 
be delivered to each of the lasses, who had 
waited at table, to buy them husbands when 
they could get them. 

CHAPTER 55 

How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various 
unfrozen ivords 

WHEN we were at sea, junketting, tippling, 
discoursing, and telling stories, Pantagruel 
rose and stood up to look out: then asked us, 
Do you hear nothing, gentlemen? Methink I 
hear some people talking in the air, yet I can 
see nobody. Hark! According to his command 
we listened, and with full ears sucked in the 
air, as some of you suck oysters, to find if we 
could hear some sound scattered through the 
sky; and to lose none of it, like the Emperor 
Antoninus, some of us laid their hands hol- 
low next to their ears; but all this would not 
do, nor could we hear any voice. Yet Pantag- 
ruel continued to assure us he heard various 
voices in the air, some of men, and some of 
women. 

At last we began to fancy that we also 
heard something, or at least that our ears 
tingled; and the more we listened, the plain- 
er we discerned the voices, so as to distin- 



guish articulate sounds. This mightily fright- 
ened us, and not without cause; since we 
could see nothing, yet heard such various 
sounds and voices of men, women, children, 
horses, etc., insomuch that Panurge cried out, 
Cods belly, there is no fooling with the devil; 
we are all beshit, let us fly. There is some am- 
buscade hereabouts. Friar John, art thou 
here, my love? I pray thee, stay by me, old 
boy. Hast thou got thy swingeing tool? See 
that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thou nev- 
er scourest it half as it should be. We are un- 
done. Hark! They are guns, gad judge me: 
let us fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as 
Brutus said at the Battle of Pharsalia; I say, 
with sails and oars: let us whip it away: I 
never find myself to have a bit of courage at 
sea; in cellars, and elsewhere, I have more 
than enough. Let us fly and save our bacon. 
I do not say this for any fear that I have; for 
I dread nothing but danger, that I do not; I 
always say it, that should not. The free archer 
of Baignolet said as much. Let us hazard 
nothing therefore, I say, lest we come off 
bluely. Tack about, helm a lee, thou son of a 
bachelor. Would I were now well in Quin- 
quenois, though I were never to marry. Haste 
away, let us make all the sail we can; they 
will be too hard for us; we are not able to 
cope with them; they are ten to our one; I 
will warrant you; nay, and they are on their 
dunghill, while we do not know the country. 
They will be the death of us. We will lose no 
honour by flying: Demosthenes saith, that the 
man that runs away, may fight another day. 
At least, let us retreat to the leeward. Helm a 
lee; bring the main tack aboard, hawl the 
bowlins, hoist the topgallants; we are all dead 
men; get off, in the devil's name, get off. 

Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which 
Panurge made, said, Who talks of flying? Let 
us first see who they are; perhaps they may 
be friends: I can discover nobody yet, though 
I can see a hundred miles round me. But let 
us consider a little: I have read that a philos- 
opher, named Petron, was of opinion, that 
there were several worlds, that touched each 
other in an equilateral triangle; in whose cen- 
tre, he said, was the dwelling of truth: and 
that the words, ideas, copies, and images of 
all things past, and to come, resided there; 
round which was the age; and that with suc- 
cess of time part of them used to fall on man- 
kind, like rheums and mildews; just as the 
dew fell on Gideon's fleece, till the age was 
fulfilled. 



298 



RABELAIS 



I also remember, continued he, that Aris- 
totle affirms Homer's words to be flying, mov- 
ing, and consequently animated. Besides, 
Antiphanes said, that Plato's philosophy was 
like words, which, being spoken in some 
country during a hard winter are immediately 
congealed, frozen up, and not heard: for 
what Plato taught young lads, could hardly 
be understood by them when they were 
grown old. Now continued he, we should phi- 
losophize and search whether this be not the 
place where those words are thawed. 

You would wonder very much, should this 
be the head and lyre of Orpheus. When the 
Thracian women had torn him to pieces, they 
threw his head and lyre into the river He- 
brus; down which they floated to the Euxine 
sea, as far as the island of Lesbos; the head 
continually uttering a doleful song, as it were, 
lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, 
with the wind's impulse, moving its strings, 
and harmoniously accompanying the voice. 
Let us see if we cannot discover them here- 
abouts. 

CHAPTER 56 

How among the frozen words Pantagruel 
found some odd ones 

THE skipper made answer: Be not afraid, my 
lord, we are on confines of the Frozen Sea, on 
which, about the beginning of last winter, 
happened a great and bloody fight between 
the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates. Then 
the words and cries of men and women, the 
hacking, slashing, and hewing of battleaxes, 
the shocking, knocking, and jolting of ar- 
mours and harnesses, the neighing of horses, 
and all other martial din and noise, froze in 
the air; and now, the rigour of the winter be- 
ing over, by the succeeding serenity and 
warmth of the weather, they melt and are 
heard. 

By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks 
somewhat like; I believe him: but could not 
we see some of them? I think I have read, 
that, on the edge of the mountain on which 
Moses received the Judaic law, the people 
saw the voices sensibly. Here, here, said 
Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet 
thawed. He then threw us on the deck whole 
handfuls of frozen words, which seemed to 
us like your rough sugar plums, of many col- 
ours, like those used in heraldry; some words 
gules, (this means also jests and merry say- 
ings,) some vert, some azure, some black, 



some or, (this means fair words;) and when 
we had somewhat warmed them between 
our hands, they melted like snow, and we 
really heard them, but could not understand 
them, for it was a barbarous gibberish. One 
of them, only, that was pretty big, having 
been warmed between Friar John's hands, 
gave a sound much like that of chesnuts 
when they are thrown into the fire, without 
being first cut, which made us all start. This 
was the report of a field piece in its time, 
cried Friar John. 

Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him 
some more; but Pantagruel told him, that to 
give words was the part of a lover. Sell me 
some then, I pray you, cried Panurge. That 
is the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel. 
I would sooner sell you silence, though at a 
dearer rate; as Demosthenes formerly sold it 
by the means of his argentangina, or silver 
quinsey. 

However, he threw three or four handfuls 
of them on the deck; among which I per- 
ceived some very sharp words, and some 
bloody words, which, the pilot said, used 
sometimes to go back, and recoil to the place 
whence they came, but it was with a slit wea- 
sand: we also saw some terrible words, and 
some others not very pleasant to the eye. 

When they had been all melted together, 
we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin, 
his, tick, tock, taack, brcdelin-brededack, frr, 
frr, frr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bon, bou, track, 
track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrr; on, on, on, on, 
on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not 
know what other barbarous words; which, the 
pilot said, were the noise made by the charg- 
ing squadrons, the shock and neighing of 
horses. 

Then we heard some large ones go off like 
drums and fifes, and others like clarions and 
trumpets. Believe me we had very good sport 
with them. I would fain have saved some 
merry odd words, and have preserved them 
in oil, as ice and snow are kept, and between 
clean straw. But Pantagruel would not let 
me, saying, that it is a folly to hoard up what 
we are never like to want, or have always at 
hand; odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of 
gules, never being scarce among all good and 
jovial PantagrueHsts. 

Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and 
put him in the pouts; for he took him at his 
word, while he dreamed of nothing less. This 
caused the friar to threaten him with such a 
piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jons- 



PANTAGRUEL 



299 



seaume, who having taken the merry Patelin 
at his word, when he had overbid himself in 
some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by 
the horns like a bullock, by his jovial chap- 
man, whom he took at his word like a man. 
Panurge, well knowing that threatened folks 
live long, bobbed, and made mouths at him, 
in token of derision, then cried, Would I had 
here the word of the Holy Bottle, without be- 
ing thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage 
to her. 

CHAPTER 57 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling 
of Gaster, the first master of arts in the 
world 

THAT day Pantagruel went ashore in an is- 
land, which, for situation and governor, may 
be said not to have its fellow. When you just 
come into it, you find it rugged, craggy, and 
barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to the 
feet, and almost as inaccessible as the moun- 
tain of Dauphine, which is somewhat like a 
toad-stool, and was never climbed, as any can 
remember, by any but Doyac, who had the 
charge of King Charles the Eighth's train of 
artillery. 

This same Doyac, with strange tools and 
engines, gained that mountain's top, and 
there he found an old ram. It puzzled many a 
wise head to guess how it got thither. Some 
said that some eagle, or great horn-coot, hav- 
ing carried it thither while it was yet a lamb- 
kin, it had got away, and saved itself among 
the bushes. 

As for us, having with much toil and sweat 
overcome the difficult ways at the entrance, 
we found the top of the mountain so fertile, 
healthful, and pleasant, that I thought I was 
then in the true garden of Eden, or earthly 
paradise, about whose situation our good the- 
ologues are in such a quandary, and keep 
such a pother. 

As for Pantagruel, he said, that there was 
the seat of Arete that is as much as to say, 
virtue described by Hesiod. This, however, 
with submission to better judgments. The ru- 
ler of this place was one Master Gaster, the 
first master of arts in the world. For, if you 
believe that fire is the great master of arts, as 
Tully writes, you very much wrong him and 
yourself: alas, Tully never believed this. On 
the other side, if you fancy Mercury to be the 
first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids 
believed of old, you are mightily beside the 



mark. The satirist's sentence, that affirms 
master Gaster to be the master of all arts, is 
true. With him peacefully resided old goody 
Penia, alias Poverty, the mother of the nine- 
ty-nine Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of 
Plenty, formerly begot Love, that noble child, 
the mediator of heaven and earth, as Plato 
affirms in Symposio. 

We were all obliged to pay our homage, 
and swear allegiance to that mighty sover- 
eign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, 
uneasy, inflexible: you cannot make him be- 
lieve, represent to him, or persuade him any- 
thing. 

He does not hear: and, as the Egyptians 
said that Harpocratcs, the god of silence, 
named Sigalion in Greek, was astomc, that is, 
without a mouth; so Gaster was created with- 
out cars, even like the image of Jupiter in 
Candia. 

He only speaks by signs: but those signs 
are more readily obeyed by every one, than 
the statutes of senates, or commands of mon- 
archs: neither will he admit the least let or 
delay in his summons. You say, that when a 
lion roars, all the beasts at a considerable dis- 
tance round about, as far as his roar can be 
heard, are seized with a shivering. This is 
written, it is true; I have seen it. I assure you, 
that at master Gaster's command, the very 
heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes: his 
command is called, Do this or die. Needs 
must when the devil drives; there's no gain- 
saying of it. 

The pilot was telling us how, on a certain 
time, after the manner of the members that 
mutinied against the belly, as vEsop describes 
it, the whole kingdom of the Somates went 
off into a direct faction against Gaster, resolv- 
ing to throw off his yoke: but they soon found 
their mistake, and most humbly submitted; 
for otherwise they had all been famished. 

What company soever he is in, none dis- 
pute with him for precedence or superiority; 
he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or 
even the*pope, were there. So he held the 
first place at the council of Basle; though 
some will tell you that the council was tum- 
ultuous, by the contention and ambition of 
many for priority. 

Every one is busied, and labours to serve 
him; and, indeed, to make amends for this, 
he does this good to mankind, as to invent for 
them all arts, machines, trades, engines, and 
crafts : he even instructs brutes in arts which 
are against their nature, making poets of ra- 



300 



RABELAIS 



vens, jackdaws, chattering jays, parrots, and 
starlings, and poetesses or magpies, teaching 
them to utter human language, speak and 
sing; and all for the gut. He reclaims and 
tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sa- 
kers, lanners, goshawks, sparrow-hawks, mer- 
lins, hagards, passengers, wild rapacious 
birds; so that setting them free in the air, 
whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long as 
he pleases, he keeps them suspended, stray- 
ing, flying, hovering, and courting him above 
the clouds: then on a sudden he makes them 
stoop, and come down amain from heaven 
next to the ground; and all for the gut. 

Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, hors- 
es, mares, and dogs, he teaches to dance, 
prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, 
fetch and carry what he pleases; and all for 
the gut. 

Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the 
monsters of the main, he brings them up from 
the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out 
of the woods, bears out of the rocks, foxes out 
of their holes, and serpents out of the ground; 
and all for the gut. 

In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage 
he devours all men and beasts: as was seen 
among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus be- 
sieged them in the Sertorian wars; among the 
Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the 
jews besieged by the Romans, and six hun- 
dred more; and all for the gut. When his re- 
gent Penia takes a progress, wherever she 
moves, all senates are shut up, all statutes re- 
pealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she 
knows, obeys, and has no law. All shun her, 
in every place choosing rather to expose 
themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture 
through fire, rocks, caves, and precipices, 
than be seized by that most dreadful tormen- 
tor. 

CHAPTER 58 

How, at the court of the Master of Ingenuity, 
Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes 
and the Gastrolaters 

AT the court of that great master of ingenu- 
ity, Pantagruel observed two sorts of trouble- 
some and too officious apparitors, whom he 
very much detested. The first were called En- 
gastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters. 

The first pretended to be descended of the 
ancient race of Eurycles; and for this brought 
the authority of Aristophanes, in his comedy 
called The Wasps: whence of old they were 



called Euryclians, as Plato writes, and Plu- 
tarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles. 
In the holy decrees, 26, qu. 3, they are styled 
Ventriloqui: and the same name is given 
them in Ionian by Hippocrates, in his fifth 
book of Epid., as men who speak from the 
belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomantes. 
These were soothsayers, enchanters, cheats, 
who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak 
and give answers from the mouth, but from 
the belly. 

Such a one, about the year of our Lord 
1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, an Italian wom- 
an of mean extract: from whose belly, we, as 
well as an infinite number of others at Fcrra- 
ra, and elsewhere, have often heard the voice 
of the evil spirit speak; low, feeble, and small, 
indeed; but yet very distinct, articulate, and 
intelligible, when she was sent for, out of cur- 
iosity, by the lords and princes of the Cisal- 
pine Gaul. To remove all manner of doubt, 
and be assured that this was not a trick, they 
used to have her stripped stark naked, and 
caused her mouth and nose to be stopped. 
This evil spirit would be called Curledpato, 
or Cincinnatulo, seeming pleased when any 
called him by that name; at which, he was al- 
ways ready to answer. If any spoke to him of 
things past or present, he gave pertinent an- 
swers, sometimes to the amazement of the 
hearers: but if of things to come, then the 
devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as 
a dog can trot. Nay, sometimes he seemed to 
own his ignorance; instead of an answer, let- 
ting out a rousing fart, or muttering some 
words with barbarous and uncouth inflexions, 
and not to be understood. 

As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to 
one another in knots and gangs. Some of 
them merry, wanton, and soft as so many 
milksops; others louring, grim, dogged, de- 
mure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to 
business, spending half their time in sleeping, 
and the rest in doing nothing, a rent-charge 
and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, 
as Hesiod saith; afraid, as we judged, of of- 
fending or lessening their paunch. Others 
were masked, disguised, and so oddly 
dressed, that it would have done you good to 
have seen them. 

There's a saying, and several ancient sag- 
es write, that the skill of nature appears won- 
derful in the pleasure which she seems to 
have taken in the configuration of sea-shells, 
so great is their variety in figures, colours, 
streaks, and inimitable shapes. I protest the 



PANTAGRUEL 



301 



variety we perceived in the dresses of the gas- 
trolatrous coquillons was not less. They all 
owned Caster for their supreme god, adored 
him us a god, offered him sacrifices as to their 
omnipotent deity, owned no other god, 
served, loved, and honoured him above all 
things. 

You would have thought that the holy 
apostle spoke of those, when he said, Phil. 
chap. 3, "Many walk, of whom I have told 
you often, and now tell you even weeping, 
that they are enemies of the cross of Christ: 
whose end is destruction, whose Cod is their 
belly." Pantagruel compared them to the cy- 
clops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in 
speaking thus: I only sacrifice to myself (not 
to the gods) and to this belly of mine the 
greatest of all gods. 

CHAPTER 59 

Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how, 
and what tJie Gastrolatcrs sacrifice to their 
ventripotcnt god 

WHILE we feel our eyes with the sight of the 
phyzzes and actions of these lounging gulli- 
gutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard 
the sound of a musical instrument called a 
bell; at which all of them placed themselves 
in rank and file, as for some mighty battle, 
every one according to his office, degree, and 
seniority. 

In this order, they moved towards master 
Caster, after a plump, young, lusty, gorbel- 
lied fellow, who, on a long staff, fairly gilt, 
carried a wooden statue, grossly carved, and 
as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a 
one as Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus 
described it. At Lyons, during the Carnival, 
it is called Maschecroute, or Gnaw-crust; 
they call this Manduce. 

It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous fig- 
ure, fit to fright little children: its eyes were 
bigger than its belly, and its head larger than 
all the rest of its body: well mouth-cloven 
however, having a goodly pair of wide, broad 
jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier 
and under tier, which, by the magic of a 
small twine hid in the hollow part of the 
golden staff, were made to clash, clatter, and 
rattle dreadfully one against another; as they 
do at Metz, with St. Clement's dragon. 

Coming near the Gastrolaters, I saw they 
were followed by a great number of fat wait- 
ers and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, 
hampers, dishes, wallets, pots, and kettles. 



Then under the conduct of Manduce, and 
singing I do not know what clithyrambics, 
crepalocomes, and epenons, opening their 
baskets and pots, they offered their god, 
White hippocras, Soft bread. 

with dry toasts. Household bread. 
White bread. Capirotades. 

Brown bread. Cold loins of veal, 

Carbonadoes, six with spice. 

sorts. Zinziberine. 

Brawn. Beatille pies. 

Sweet-breads. Brewis. 

Fricassees, nine sorts. Marrow-bones, toast, 
Monastical brewis. and cabbage. 

Gravy soup. Hashes. 

Hotch-pots. 

Eternal drink intermixed. Brisk delicate 
white wine led the van; claret and cham- 
paign followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very 
ice, I say; filled and offered in large silver 
cups. Then they offered, 
Chitterlings gar- Carvelats. 

nished with mus- Bolognia sausages. 

tard. Chines and peas. 

Hams. Hogs' haslets. 

Hung beef. Brawn heads. 

Sausages. Powdered venison 

Neats' tongues. with turnips. 

Scotch collops. Pickled olives. 

Puddings. 

All this associated with sempiternal liquor. 
Then they housed within his muzzle, 

Legs of mutton with ( hirlcws. 

shalots. Wood-hens. 

Olias. Coots, with leeks. 

Lumber pies with hot Fat-kids. 

sauce. Shoulders of mutton 
Ribs of pork with with capers. 

onion sauce. Sirloins of beef. 

Roast capons, basted Breasts of veal. 

with their own Pheasants and pheas- 

dripping. ant poots. 

Caponets. Fried pasty-crust. 

Caviare and toast. Forced capons. 

Fawns, deer. Parmesan cheese. 

Hares, leverets. Red and pale hippo- 
Partridges and young eras. 

partridges. Cold-peaches. 

Plovers. Artichokes. 

Dwarf -herons. Dry and wet sweet- 
Teals, meats, seventy- 
Duckers. eight sorts. 

Bitterns. Boiled hens, and fat 
Shovelers. capons marinated. 



302 

Pullets with eggs. 

Chickens. 

Rabbits, and sucking 

rabbits. 
Quails, and young 

quails. 
Pigeons, squabs, and 

squeakers. 
Herons, and young 

herons. 
Fieldfares. 
Olives. 
Thrushes. 
Young sea-ravens. 
Geese, goslings. 
Queests. 
Widgeons. 
Souced hog's feet. 
Mavises. 
Grouse. 
Turtles. 
Doe-conies. 
Peacocks. 
Storks. 
Woodcocks. 
Snipes. 
Ortolans. 
Turkey cocks, hen 

turkeys, and turkey 

poots. 
Stock-doves, and 

woodculvers. 
Pigs, with wine 

sauce. 
Blackbirds, ousels, 

and rayles. 
Moor-hens. 
Bustards, and bustard 

poots. 



RABELAIS 



Fig-peckers. 

Young Guinea hens. 

Flamingoes. 

Cygnets. 

A reinforcement of 
vinegar intermixed. 

Venison pasties. 

Lark -pies. 

Dormice-pies. 

Cabretto pasties. 

Roe-buck pies. 

Pigeon pies. 

Kid pasties. 

Capon-pies. 

Bacon pies. 

Hedgehogs. 

Suites. 

Then large puffs. 

Thistle-finches. 

Whores' farts. 

Fritters. 

Cakes, sixteen sorts. 

Crisp wafers. 

Quince tarts. 

Curds and cream. 

Whipped cream. 

Preserved myrabo- 
lans. 

Jellies. 

Welsh barrapyclids. 

Macaroons. 

Tarts, twenty sorts. 

Lemon-cream, rasp- 
berry cream, etc. 

Comfits, one hundred 
colours. 

Cream wafers. 

Cream-cheese. 



Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the 
mouth, and for fear of the squinsy: also toasts 
to scour the grinders. 

CHAPTER 60 

What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god 
on interlarded fish-days 

PANTAGRUEL did not like this pack of rascal- 
ly scoundrels, with their manifold kitchen 
sacrifices, and would have been gone, had not 
Epistemon prevailed with him to stay and see 
the end of the farce. He then asked the skip- 
per, what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice 
to their gorbellied god on interlarded fish- 
days? For his first course, said the skipper, 



they give him: 

Caviare. 

Botargoes. 

Fresh butter. 

Pease soup. 

Spinage. 

Fresh herrings, full 
roed. 

Salads, a hundred va- 
rieties, of cresses, 
sodden, hop-tops, 
bishop's-cods, cel- 
lery, chives, rampi- 
ons, jew's-ears (a 
sort of mushrooms 



that sprout out of 
old elders) aspara- 
gus, wood-bine, 
and a world of oth- 
ers. 

Red herrings. 

Pilchards. 

Anchovies. 

Fry of tunny. 

Cauliflowers. 

Beans. 

Salt salmon. 

Pickled griggs. 

Oysters in the shell. 



Then he must drink, or the devil would 
gripe him at the throat: this, therefore, they 
take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting. 
Which being done, they give him lampreys 
with hippocras sauce: 



Gurnards. 


Flounders. 


Salmon-trouts. 


Sea-nettles. 


Baibels, great and 


Mullets. 


small. 


Gudgeons. 


Roaches. 


Dabs and sandings. 


Cockerells. 


Haddocks. 


Minnows. 


Carps. 


Thornbacks. 


Pikes. 


Sleeves. 


Bottitoes. 


Sturgeons. 


Rochets. 


Sheath-fish. 


Sea-bears. 


Mackerels. 


Sharplings. 


Maids. 


Tunnies. 


Plaice. 


Silver-eels. 


Fried oysters. 


Chevins. 


Cockles. 


Cray-fish. 


Prawns. 


Pallours. 


Smelts. 


Shrimps. 


Rock-fish. 


Congers. 


Gracious lords. 


Porpoises. 


Sword-fish. 


Bases. 


Skate-fish. 


Shads. 


Lamprels. 


Murenes, a sort of 


Jegs. 


lampreys. 


Pickerells. 


Graylings. 


Golden carps. 


Smys. 


Burbates. 


Turbots. 


Salmons. 


Trout, not above a 


Salmon-peels. 


foot long. 


Dolphins. 


Salmon. 


Barn trouts. 


Meagers. 


Millers'-thumbs. 


Sea breams. 


Precks. 


Halibuts. 


Bret fish. 


Soles. 



PANTAGRUEL 



303 



Dog's tongue, or kind 

fool. 
Mussels. 
Lobsters. 
Great prawns. 
Dace. 
Bleaks. 
Tenches. 
Ombres. 
Fresh cods. 
Dried melwels. 
Darefish. 



Fausens, and grigs. 
Eelpouts. 
Tortoises. 

Serpents, i.e. wood- 
eels. 
Dorees. 
Moor-game. 
Perches. 
Loaches. 
Crab-fish. 
Snails and whelks. 
Frogs. 



If, when he had crammed all this down his 
guttural trapdoor, he did not immediately 
make the fish swim again in his paunch, 
death would pack him off in a trice. Special 
care is taken to antidote his godship with 
vine-tree syrup. Then is sacrificed to him, 
haberdines, poor-jack, minglemangled mis- 
mashed, etc. 

Eggs fried, beaten, in the chimney, etc. 

buttered, poached, Stock-fish, 

hardened, boiled, Green-fish, 

broiled, stewed, Sea-batts. 

sliced, roasted in Cods' sounds, 

the embers, tossed Sea-pikes. 

Which to concoct and digest the more eas- 
ily, vinegar is multiplied. For the latter part 
of their sacrifices they offer, 



Rice milk, and hasty 

pudding. 
Buttered, wheat, and 

flummery. 
Water-gruel, and 

milk porridge. 
Frumenty and bonny 

clamber. 
Stewed prunes, and 

baked bullace. 
Pistachios, or fistic 



Figs. 

Almond-butter. 
Skirret-root. 
White-pot. 
Raisins. 
Dates. 

Chestnuts and wal- 
nuts. 
Filberts. 
Parsnips. 
Artichokes. 



nuts. 

Perpetuity of soaking with the whole. 

It was none of their fault, I will assure you, 
if this same god of theirs was not publicly, 
preciously, and plentifully served in the sac- 
rifices, better yet than Heliogabalus's idol; 
nay, more than Bel and the Dragon in Baby- 
lon, under King Belshazzar. Yet Caster had 
the manners to own that he was no god, but 
a poor, vile, wretched creature. And as King 
Antigonus, first of the name, when one Her- 
modotus, (as poets will flatter, especially 



princes, ) in some of his fustian dubbed him 
a god, and made the sun adopt him for his 
son, said to him; My lasanophore (or in plain 
English my groom of the close-stool), can 
give thee the lie; so master Caster very civil- 
ly used to send back his bigoted worshippers 
to his close-stool, to see, smell, taste, philoso- 
phise, and examine what kind of divinity 
they could pick out of his sir-reverence. 

CHAPTER 61 

How Gaster invented means to get and pre- 
serve corn 

THOSE gastrolatrous hobgoblins being with- 
drawn, Pantagruel carefully minded the fa- 
mous master of arts, Caster. You know that, 
by the institution of nature, bread has been 
assigned him for provision and food; and 
that, as an addition to this blessing, he should 
never want the means to get bread. 

Accordingly, from the beginning he invent- 
ed the smith's art, and husbandry to manure 
the ground, that it might yield him corn; he 
invented arms, and the art of war, to defend 
corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts 
of mathematics, which might be useful to 
keep corn a great number of years in safety 
from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, 
and purloinors: he invented water, wind, and 
handmills, and a thousand other engines to 
grind corn, and to turn it into meal; leaven to 
make the dough ferment, and the use of salt 
to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing 
bred more diseases than heavy, unleavened, 
unsavoury bread. 

He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour- 
glasses, dials, and clocks to mark the time of 
its baking; and as some countries wanted 
corn, he contrived means to convey it out of 
one country into another. 

He had the wit to pimp for asses and 
marcs, animals of different species, that they 
might copulate for the generation of a third, 
which we call mules, more strong and fit for 
hard service than the other two. He invent- 
ed carts and waggons, to draw him along 
with greater ease: and as seas and rivers hin- 
dered his progress, he devised boats, gallics, 
and ships (to the astonishment of the ele- 
ments) to waft him over to barbarous, un- 
known, and far distant nations, thence to 
bring, or thither to carry corn. 

Besides, seeing that, when he had tilled 
the ground, some years the corn perished in 
it for want of rain in due season, in others 



304 



RABELAIS 



rotted, or was drowned by its excess, some- 
times spoiled by hail, shook out by the wind, 
or beaten down by storms, and so his stock 
was destroyed on the ground; we are told 
that ever since the days of yore, he has found 
out a way to conjure the rain down from 
heaven only with cutting certain grass, com- 
mon enough in the field, yet known to very 
few, some of which was then shown us. I 
took it to be the same as the plant, one of 
whose boughs being dipped by Jove's priest 
in the Agrian fountain, on the Lycian moun- 
tain in Arcadia, in time of drought, raised va- 
pours which gathered into clouds, and then 
dissolved into rain, that kindly moistened the 
whole country. 

Our master of arts was also said to have 
found a way to keep the rain up in the air, 
and make it to fall into the sea; also to anni- 
hilate the hail, suppress the winds, and re- 
move storms as the Methanensians of Troe- 
zene used to do. And as in the fields thieves 
and plunderers sometimes stole, and took by 
force the corn and bread which others had 
toiled to get, he invented the art of building 
towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and secure 
that staff of life. On the other hand, finding 
none in the fields, and hearing that it was 
stored up and secured in towns, forts, and 
castles, and watched with more care than 
ever were the golden pippins of the Hesper- 
ides, he turned engineer, and found ways to 
beat, storm, and demolish forts and castles, 
with machines and warlike thunderbolts, bat- 
tering-rams, ballistas, and catapults, whose 
shapes were shown us, not over-well under- 
stood by our engineers, architects, and other 
disciples of Vitruvius; as master Philibert de 
rOrme, King Megistus's principal architect, 
has owned to us. 

And seeing that sometimes all these tools 
of destruction were baffled by the cunning 
subtilty or the subtle cunning (which you 
please) of fortifiers, he lately invented can- 
nons, field-pieces, culverins, mortar-pieces, 
basilisks, murdering instruments that dart 
iron, leaden, and brazen balls, some of them 
outweighing huge anvils. This by the means 
of a most dreadful powder, whose hellish 
compound and effect has even amazed na- 
ture, and made her own herself out-done by 
art; the Oxydracian thunders, hails, and 
storms, by which the people of that name 
immediately destroyed their enemies in the 
field, being but mere popguns to these. For, 
one of our great guns, when used is more 



dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and 
maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, and 
sweeps away more men, and causes a greater 
consternation and destruction, than a hun- 
dred thunderbolts. 

CHAPTER 62 

How Caster invented an art to avoid being 
hurt or touched by cannon balls 

CASTER having secured himself with his corn 
within strongholds, has sometimes been at- 
tacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that 
thrice three-fold cursed instrument, levelled 
and destroyed: his dearly beloved corn and 
bread snatched out of his mouth, and sacked 
by a tyrannic force; therefore he then sought 
means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampi- 
ers, and sconces from cannon-shot, and to 
hinder the bullets from hitting him, stopping 
them in their flight, or at least from doing him 
or the besieged walls any damage. He showed 
us a trial of this, which has been since used 
by Fronton, and is now common among the 
pastimes and harmless recreations of the Thc- 
lemites. I will tell you how he went to work, 
and pray for the future be a little more ready 
to believe what Plutarch affirms to have tried. 
Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering 
as if the devil drove them, do but put a bit of 
eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nan- 
ny, and they will all stop stock still, in the 
time you can tell three. 

Thus Caster, having caused a brass falcon 
to be charged with a sufficient quantity of 
gunpowder, well purged from its sulphur, 
and curiously made up with fine camphor; 
he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, 
with twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, 
some round, some pearl fashion: then taking 
his aim, and levelling it at a page of his, as if 
he would have hit him on the breast; about 
sixty strides off the piece, half-way between 
it and the page in a right line, he hanged on 
a gibbet by a rope a very large siclerite, or 
iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, 
formerly found on Ida in Phrygia by one 
Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonly 
called load-stone; then he gave fire to the 
prime on the piece's touch-hole, which in an 
instant consuming the powder, the ball and 
hail-shot were with incredible violence and 
swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle, 
that the air might penetrate to its chamber, 
where othei wise would have been a vacuum; 
which nature abhors so much, that this uni- 



PANTAGRUEL 



305 



versal machine, heaven, air, land, and sea 
would sooner return to the primitive chaos, 
than admit the least void any where. Now 
the ball and small shot, which threatened the 
page with no less than quick destruction, lost 
their impetuosity, and remained suspended 
and hovering round the stone: nor did any of 
them, notwithstanding the fury with which 
they rushed, reach the page. 

Master Caster could do more than all this 
yet, if you will believe me: for he invented a 
way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, 
and recoil on those that sent them, with as 
great a force, and in the very numerical par- 
allel for which the guns were planted. And 
indeed, why should he have thought this dif- 
ficult, seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks 
whatsoever; and an echinus or remora, a sil- 
ly weakly fish, in spite of all the winds that 
blow from the thirty -two points of the com- 
pass, will in the midst of a hurricane make 
you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, as 
if she were becalmed, or the blustering tribe 
had blown their last: nay, and with the flesh 
of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish 
gold out of the deepest well that was ever 
sounded with a plummet; for it will certainly 
draw up the precious metal. Since, as Democ- 
ritus affirmed, and Theophrastus believed 
and experienced, that there was an herb at 
whose single touch an iron wedge, though 
never so far driven into a huge log of the 
hardest wood that is, would presently come 
out; and it is this same herb your hickways, 
alias woodpeckers, use, when with some 
mighty axe any one stops up the hole of their 
nests, which they industriously dig and make 
in the trunk of some sturdy tree. Since stags 
and hinds, when deeply wounded with darts, 
arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the 
herb called dittany, which is common in Can- 
dia, and eat a little of it, presently the shafts 
came out, and all is well again; even as kind 
Venus cured her beloved by-blow yEneas, 
when he was wounded on the right thigh 
with an arrow by Juturna, Turnus's sister. 
Since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, or 
sea claves, makes the thunder sheer off inso- 
much that it never strikes them. Since at the 
sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their 
former senses. Since mad bulls coming near 
wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame, and 
will not budge a foot, as if they had the 
cramp. Since the venomous rage of vipers is 
assuaged if you but touch them with a beech- 
en bough. Since also Euphorion writes, that 



in the Isle of Samos, before Juno's temple 
was built there, he has seen some beasts 
called neades, whose voice made the neigh- 
bouring places gape and sink into a chasm 
and abyss. In short, since elders grow of a 
more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, 
in such places where the crowing of cocks is 
not heard, as the ancient sages have writ, and 
Theophrastus relates: as if the crowing of a 
cock dulled, flattened, and perverted the 
wood of the elder, as it is said to astonish and 
stupify with fear that strong and resolute an- 
imal, a lion. I know that some have under- 
stood this of wild elder, that grows so far from 
towns or villages, that the crowing of cocks 
cannot reach near it; and doubtless that sort 
ought to be preferred to the stenching com- 
mon elder, that grows about decayed and 
ruined places; but others have understood 
this in a higher sense, not literal, but allegor- 
ical, according to the method of the Pytha- 
goreans: as when it was said that Mercury's 
statue could not be made of every sort of 
wood; to which sentence they gave this sense; 
that God is not to be worshipped in a vulgar 
form, but in a chosen and religious manner. 
In the same manner by this elder, which 
grows far from places where cocks are heard, 
the ancients meant, that the wise and studi- 
ous ought not to give their minds to trivial or 
vulgar music, but to that which is celestial, 
divine, angelical, more abstracted, and 
brought from remoter parts, that is, from a re- 
gion where the crowing of cocks is not heard: 
for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented 
place, we say, cocks are never heard to crow 
there. 

CHAPTER 63 

How Pantagrucl jell asleep near the Island of 
CJiancph, and of the problems proposed to 
lie solved when he waked 

THE next day, merrily pursuing our voy- 
age, we "Came in sight of the Island of 
Cheneph, where Pantagruel's ship could 
not arrive, the wind chopping about, and 
then failing us so that we were becalmed, 
and could hardly get ahead, tacking about 
from starboard to larboard, and larboard 
to starboard, though to our sails we added 
drabblers. 

With this accident we were all out of sorts, 
moping, drooping, metagrabolized, as dull as 
dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out of 
tune, off the hinges, and I-don't-know-how- 



306 



RABELAIS 



ish, without caring to speak one single sylla- 
ble to each other. 

Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering 
and nodding on the quarter deck, by the cud- 
dy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still 
it was his custom to sleep better by book than 
by heart. 

Epistemon was conjuring, with his astro- 
labe, to know what latitude we were in. 

Friar John was got into the cook-room, ex- 
amining, by the ascendant of the spirits, and 
the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what 
time of day it might then be. 

Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of 
Pantagruelion, alias hemp, next his tongue, 
and with it made pretty bubbles and blad- 
ders. 

Gymnast was making tooth pickers with 
lentisk. 

Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, 
dreamed; tickled himself to make himself 
laugh, and with one finger scratched his nod- 
dle where it did not itch. 

Carpalim, with a nut-shell, and a trencher 
of verne, (that's a card in Gascony,) was 
making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting 
the card longways into four slips, and fasten- 
ing them with a pin to the convex of the nut, 
and its concave to the tarred side of the gun- 
nel of the ship. 

Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was 
playing on it with his fingers, as if it had been 
a trump-marine. 

Rhizotomus, with the soft coat of a field 
tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, was making 
himself a velvet purse. 

Xenomanes was patching up an old weath- 
er-beaten lantern, with a hawk's jesses. 

Our pilot (good man!) was pulling mag- 
gots out of the seamen's noses. 

At last Friar John, returning from the fore- 
castle, perceived that Pantagruel was awake. 
Then breaking this obstinate silence, he 
briskly and cheerfully asked him how a man 
should kill time, and raise good weather, dur- 
ing a calm at sea? 

Panurge, whose belly thought his throat 
cut, backed the motion presently, and asked 
for a pill to purge melancholy. 

Epistemon also came on, and asked how a 
man might be ready to bepiss himself with 
laughing, when he has no heart to be merry? 

Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for 
a dimness of eyes. 

Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed 
his noddle, and shaken his ears, asked, how 



one might avoid dog-sleep? Hold, cried Pan- 
tagruel, the Peripatetics have wisely made a 
rule, that all problems, questions, and doubts, 
which are offered to be solved, ought to be 
certain, clear, and intelligible. What do you 
mean by dog's-sleep? I mean, answered Pon- 
ocrates, to sleep fasting in the sun at noon- 
day as the dogs do. 

Rhizotomus, who lay stooping on the 
pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazily 
yawning, by natural sympathy, set almost ev- 
ery one in the ship ayawning too: then he 
asked for a remedy against oscitations and 
gapings. 

Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out 
with new vamping his antiquated lantern, 
asked, how the hold of the stomach might be 
so well ballasted and freighted from the keel 
to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, 
that our human vessels might not heel, or be 
wait, but well trimmed and stiff? 

Carpalim, twirling his diminutive wind- 
mill, asked how many motions are to be felt 
in nature, before a gentleman may be said to 
be hungry? 

Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from 
between decks, and from the capstern called 
out to know why a man that is fasting bit by 
a serpent also fasting, is in greater danger of 
death, than when man and serpent have eat 
their breakfasts? Why a man's fasting-spittle 
is poisonous to serpents and venomous crea- 
tures? 

One single solution may serve for all your 
problems, gentlemen, answered Pantagruel, 
and one single medicine for all such symp- 
toms and accidents. My answer shall be short, 
not to tire you with a long needless train of 
pedantic cant. The belly has no ears, nor is it 
to be filled with fair words : you shall be an- 
swered to content by signs and gestures. As 
formerly at Rome, Tarquin the proud, its 
last king, sent an answer by signs to his son 
Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii. 
(Saying this, he pulled the string of a little 
bell, and Friar John hurried away to the 
cookroom.) The son having sent his father a 
messenger to know how he might bring the 
Gabii (Gabini) under a close subjection; the 
king, mistrusting the messenger, made him 
no answer, and only took him into his privy 
garden, and in his presence, with his sword, 
lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that 
were there. The express returned without any 
other dispatch: yet having related to the 
prince what he had seen his father do, he eas- 



PANTAGRUEL 



307 



ily understood that by those signs he advised 
him to cut off the heads of the chief men in 
the town, the better to keep under the rest of 
the people. 

CHAPTER 64 

How Pantagruel gave no answer to the prob- 
lems 

FANTAGRUEL then asked what sort of people 
dwelt in that damned island? They are, an- 
swered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy 
mountebanks, tumblers of Av e Marias, spir- 
itual comedians, sham saints, hermits, all of 
them poor rogues, who like the hermit of Lor- 
mont between Blaye and Bordeaux, live 
wholly on alms given them by passengers. 
Catch me there if you can, cried Panurgel 
may the devil's head-cook conjure my bum- 
gut into a pair of bellows, if ever you find me 
among them. Hermits, sham saints, living 
forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, 
a vaunt, in the name of your father Satan, get 
out of my sight: when the devil's a hog, you 
shall eat bacon. I shall not forget yet awhile 
our fat Concilipetes of Chesil. O that Beelze- 
bub and Astorath had counselled thorn to 
hang themselves out of the way, and they 
had done it! we had not then suffered so 
much by devilish storms as we did for having 
seen them. Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xeno- 
manes, my friend, I prithee are these hermits, 
hypocrites, and eaves-droppers, maids or 
married? Is there anything of the feminine 
gender among them? Could a body hypocrit- 
ically take there a small hypocritical touch? 
Will they lie backwards, and let out their 
f orerooms? There's a fine question to be asked, 
cried Pantagruel. Yes, yes, answered Xeno- 
manes; you may find there many goodly hyp- 
ocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind her- 
mitesses, women that have a plaguy deal of 
religion: then there's the copies of them, little 
hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermetil- 
lons. Foh! away with them, cried Friar John; 
a young saint, an old devil! (Mark this, an old 
saying, and as true a one as a young whore 
an old saint.) Were there not such, continued 
Xenomanes, the Isle of Chaneph, for want of 
a multiplication of progeny, had long ere this 
been desert and desolate. 

Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast, in the 
pinnace, seventy-eight thousand fine pretty 
little gold half-crowns, of those that are 
marked with a lantern. After this he asked, 
What's o'clock? Past nine, answered Episte- 



mon. It is then the best time to go to dinner, 
said Pantagruel: for the sacred line, so cele- 
brated by Aristophanes in his play called 
Concionatorcs, is at hand, never failing when 
the shadow is decempedal. 

Formerly, among the Persians, dinner time 
was at a set hour only for kings : as for all oth- 
ers, their appetite and their belly was their 
clock; when that chimed, they thought it 
time to go to dinner. So we find in Plautus a 
certain parasite making a heavy do, and sad- 
ly railing at the inventors of hour-glasses and 
dials, as being unnecessary things, there be- 
ing no clock more regular than the belly. 

Diogenes, being asked at what times a 
man ought to eat, answered, The rich when 
he is hungry, the poor when he has anything 
to eat. Physicians more properly say, that the 
canonical hours are. 

To rise at five, to dine at nine, 
To sup at five, to sleep at nine. 

The famous king Petosiris's magic was dif- 
ferent, Here the officers for the gut came in, 
and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid 
the cloth, whose sight and pleasant smell 
were very comfortable; and brought plates, 
napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, 
ewers, tumblers, cups, goblets, basons, and 
cisterns. 

Friar John, at the head of the stewards, 
sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and of the 
mouth, tasters, carvers, cup-bearers, and cup- 
board-keepers, brought four stately pasties 
so huge, that they put me in mind of the four 
bastions at Turin. Oclsfish, how manfully did 
they storm them! What havoc did they make 
with the long train of dishes that came after 
them! How bravely did they stand to their 
pan-puddings, and paid off their dust! How 
merrily did they soak their noses! 

The fruit was not yet brought in, when a 
fresh gale at west and by north began to fill 
the main course, missen-sail, foresail, tops, 
and top-gallants: for which blessing they all 
sung divers hymns of thanks and praise. 

When the fruit was on the table, Pantag- 
ruel asked: Now tell me, gentlemen, are your 
doubts fully resolved or no? I gape and yawn 
no more, answered Rhizotomus. I sleep no 
longer like a dog, said Ponocrates. I nave 
cleared my eyesight, said Gymnast. I have 
broke my fast, said Eusthenes: so that for 
this whole day shall be secure from the dan- 
ger of my spittle: 



308 


RA 


Asps. 


Harmenes. 


Amphisbenes. 


Handons. 


Amerudutes. 


Icles. 


Abedissimons. 


jarraries. 


Alhartafs 


Ilicines. 


Ammobates. 


Pharoah's mice. 


Apimaos. 


Kesudures. 


Alhatrabans. 


Sea-hares. 


Aractes. 


Chalcidic newts. 


Asterions. 


Footed serpents. 


Alcharates. 


Manticores. 


Arges. 


Molures. 


Spiders. 


Mouse-serpents. 


Starry lizards. 


Shrew-mice. 


Attelabes. 


Miliaros. 


Ascalabotes. 


Megalaunes. 


Haemorrhoids. 


Spitting-asps. 


Basilisks. 


Porphyri. 


Fitches. 


Pareades. 


Sucking water- 


Phalanges. 


snakes. 


Penphredons. 


Black wag-leg flies. 


Pine-tree-worms. 


Spanish flies. 


Hutu la?. 


Catoblepes. 


Worms. 


Horned snakes. 


Rhagions. 


Caterpillars. 


Rhaganes. 


Crocodiles. 


Salamanders. 


Toads. 


Slow-worms. 


Night-mares. 


Stellions. 


Mad dogs. 


Scorpcnes. 


Colotes. 


Scorpions. 


Cychriodes. 


Horn-worms. 


Cafezates. 


Scalavotins. 


Cauhares. 


Solofuidars. 


Snakes. 


Deaf-asps. 


Cuhersks, two- 


Horse-leeches 


tongued adders. 


Salt-haters. 


Amphibious serpents. 


Rot-serpents. 


Cenchrcs. 


Stink-fish. 


Cockatrices. 


Stuphes. 


Dipsades. 


Sabrins. 


Domeses. 


Blood-sucking flies. 


Dryinades. 


Hornfretters. 


Dragons. 


Scolopendres. 


Elopes. 


Tarantulas. 


Enhydrides. 


Blind worms. 


Fal vises. 


Tetragnathias. 


Galeotes. 


Teristales. 




Vipers, etc. 



CHAPTER 65 

How Pant agruel passed the time with his ser- 
vants 

IN what hierarchy of such venomous crea- 
tures do you place Panurgc's future spouse? 



asked Friar John. Art thou speaking ill of 
women, cried Panurge, thou mangy scoun- 
drel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling 
monk? By the cenomanic paunch and gixie, 
said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and 
makes Andromache say it, that by indus- 
try, and the help of the gods, men had 
found remedies against all poisonous crea- 
tures; but none was yet found against a 
bad wife. 

This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, 
was gabbling against women every foot, and 
therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judg- 
ment from above; as Aristophanes observes. 
Let us go on. Let him speak that is next. I 
can leak now like any stone-horse, said then 
Epistemon. I am, said Xenomanes, full as an 
egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can 
hold no more, and will now make shift to 
bear a steady sail. Said Carpalim, A truce 
with thirst, a truce with hunger; they are 
strong, but wine and meat are stronger. I am 
no more in the dumps, cried Panurge; my 
heart is a pound lighter. I am in the right 
cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as 
merry as a beggar. For my part, I know 
what I do when I drink; and it is a true thing 
(though it is in your Euripides) that is said 
by that jolly toper Silenus of blessed 
memory, that 

The man's emphatically mad, 

Who drinks the best, yet can be sad. 

We must not fail to return our humble and 
hearty thanks to the Being, who, with this 
good bread, this cool delicious wine, these 
good meats and rare dainties, removes from 
our bodies and minds these pains and pertur- 
bations, and at the same time fills us with 
pleasure and with food. 

But mcthinks, sir, you did not give an an- 
swer to Friar John's question; which, as I take 
it, was how to raise good weather? Since 
you ask no more than this easy question, 
answered Pantagruel, I will strive to give 
you satisfaction; some other time we will 
talk of the rest of the problems if you 
will. 

Well then, Friar John asked how good 
weather might be raised. Have we not raised 
it? Look up and see our full top-sails: Hark! 
how the wind whistles through the shrouds, 
what a stiff gale it blows; observe the rattling 
of the tacklings, and see the sheets, that fas- 
ten the mainsail behind; the force of the 



PANTAGRUEL 



309 



wind puts them upon the stretch. While we 
passed our time merrily, the dull weather 
also passed away; and while we raised the 
glasses to our mouths, we also raised the wind 
hy a secret sympathy in nature. 

Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise 
and underprop the falling sky, if you will be- 
lieve the wise mythologists; but they raised 
it some half an inch too high; Atlas, to enter- 
tain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, and 
Hercules to make himself amends for the 
thirst which sometimes before had torment- 
ed him in the deserts of Africa. Your good 
father, said Friar John, interrupting him, 
takes care to free many people from such an 
inconveniency; for I have been told by many 
venerable doctors, that his chief butler, Turc- 
hipin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of 
wine yearly, to make servants, and all comers 
and goers, drink before they are a-dry. As 
the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, 
continued Pantagruel, used to drink for the 
thirst that is past, for the present, and for that 
to come; so did Hercules: and being thus ex- 
cessively raised, this gave new motion to the 
sky, which is that of titubation and trepida- 
tion, about which our crack-brained astrol- 
ogers make such a pother. This, said Pan- 
urge, makes the saying good, 

While jolly companions carouse it together, 
A fig for the storm, it gives way to good 
weather. 

Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell 
you, that we have not only shortened the 
time of the calm, but also much disburthened 
the ship; not like /Esop's basket, by casing it 
of the provisions, but by breaking our fasts; 
and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy 
when fasting, than when he has eaten and 
drank, even as they pretend that he weighs 
more dead than living. However it is, you 
will grant they arc in the right, who take their 
morning's draught, and breakfast before a 
long journey; then say that the horses will 
perform the better, and that a spur in the 
head is worth two in the flank; or, in the same 
horse dialect, 

That a cup in the pate 
Is a mile in the gate. 

Don't you know that formerly the Amycle- 
ans worshipped the noble Bacchus above all 
other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, 



which in the Doric dialect signifies wings: 
for, as the birds raise themselves by a tower- 
ing flight with their wings above the clouds; 
so, with the help of soaring Bacchus, the 
powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are 
exalted to a pitch above themselves, our bod- 
ies are more sprightly, and their earthly parts 
become soft and pliant. 



CHAPTER 66 

How, by Panta gruel's order, the Muses were 
saluted near the Isle of Ganabim 

Tins fair wind and as fine talk brought us in 
the sight of a high land, which Pantagruel 
discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, 
and asked him, Do you see yonder to the lee- 
ward a high rock, with two tops much like 
Mount Parnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, an- 
swered Xenomanes; it is the Isle of Ganabim. 
Have you a mind to go ashore there? No, re- 
turned Pantagruel. You do well indeed, said 
Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing 
in the place. The people are all thieves: yet 
there is the finest fountain in the world, and 
a very large forest towards the right top of 
the mountain. Your fleet may take in wood 
and water there. 

He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Pan- 
urge; let us not by any means be so mad as to 
go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers. 
You may take my word for it, this place is just 
such another as, to my knowledge, formerly 
were the islands of Sark and Herm, between 
the smaller and the greater Britain; such as 
was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; is- 
lands of thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, 
ruffians, and murderers, worse than raw-head 
and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the 
senior fellows of the college of iniquity, the 
very outcasts of the county gaol's common- 
side. As you love yourself, do not go among 
them : if you go, you will come off but bluely, 
if you come off at all. If you will not believe 
me, at least believe what the good and wise 
Xenomanes tells you: for may I never stir if 
they arc not worse than the very cannibals: 
they would certainly eat us alive. Do not go 
among them, I pray you; it were safer to take 
a journey to hell. Hark, by cod's body, I hear 
them ringing the alarm bell most dreadfully 
as the Gascons about Bordeaux used former- 
ly to do against the commissaries and officers 
for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle. Let's 
sheer off. 



310 



RABELAIS 



Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let's rather 
land; we will rid the world of that vermin, 
and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with 
thee for me, quoth Panurge. This rash hair- 
brained devil of a friar fears nothing, but 
ventures and runs on like a mad devil as 
he is, and cares not a rush what becomes of 
others; as if every one was a monk, like his 
friarship. 

A pox on grinning honour, say I. Go to, re- 
turned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak! 
thou forlorn druggie-headed sneaksby! and 
may a million of black devils anatomize thy 
cockle brain. The hen-hearted rascal is so 
cowardly, that he bewrays himself for fear 
every day. If thou art so afraid, dunghill, do 
not go, stay here and be hanged, or go and 
hide thy loggerhead under Madam Proser- 
pine's petticoat. 

Panurge hearing this, his breach began to 
make buttons: so he slunk in, in an instant, 
and went to hide his head down in the bread- 
room among the musty biscuits, and the orts 
and scraps of broken bread. 

Pantagruel in the meantime said to the 
rest, I feel a pressing retraction, in my soul, 
which like a voice admonishes me not to land 
there. Whenever I have felt such a motion 
within me, I have found myself happy in 
avoiding what it directed me to shun, or in 
undertaking what it prompted me to do; and 
never had occasion to repent following its 
dictates. 

As much, said Epistemon, is related of the 
dasmon of Socrates, so celebrated among the 
Academics. Well then, sir, said Friar John, 
while the ship's crew water, have you a mind 
to have good sport? Panurge is got down 
somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into 
some corner, and lurks like a mouse in a cran- 
ny; let them give the word for the gunner to 
fire yon gun over the round-house on the 
poop: this will serve to salute the Muses 
of this Anti-parnassus: besides, the powder 
does but decay in it. You are in the right, 
said Pantagruel : here, give the word for the 
gunner. 

The gunner immediately came, arid was 
ordered by Pantagruel to fire the gun, and 
then charge it with fresh powder; which was 
soon done. The gunners of the other ships, 
frigates, galleons and galleys of the fleet, 
hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the 
island: which made such a horrid noise, that 
you would have sworn heaven had been tum- 
bling about our ears. 



CHAPTER 67 



How Panurge bewrayed himself for fear; and 
of the huge cat Rodilardus, which he took 
for a puny devil 

PANURGE, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy 
goat, sallies out of the bread-room in his shirt, 
with nothing else about him but one of his 
stockings, half on half off, about his heel, like 
a rough footed pigeon; his hair and beard all 
be-powdered with crumbs of bread, in which 
he had been over head and ears, and a huge 
and mighty puss partly wrapped up in his 
other stocking. In this equipage, his chops 
moving like a monkey's who is a louse-hunt- 
ing, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth 
chattering, and his bum quivering, the poor 
dog fled to Friar John, who was then sitting 
by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the 
ship, and prayed him heartily to take pity on 
him, and keep him in the safe-guard of his 
trusty bilbo; swearing, by his share of Papi- 
many, that he had seen all hell broke loose. 

Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear 
Johnny, my old crony, my brother, my ghost- 
ly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the 
devils keep their feast to-day, man: pork and 
peas choke me, if ever thou sawest such prep- 
arations in thy life for an infernal feast. Dost 
thou see the smoke of hell's kitchens? (This 
he said, showing him the smoke of the gun- 
powder above the ships.) Thou never sawest 
so many damned souls since thou wast born; 
and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one 
would swear they are Stygian ambrosia. I 
thought at first, God forgive me, that they 
had been English souls; and I don't know, but 
that this morning the Isle of Horses, near 
Scotland, was sacked, with all the English 
who had surprised it, by the lords of Termes 
and Essay. 

Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, 
was entertained with a kind of smell that was 
not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so 
sweet as musk; which made him turn Pan- 
urge about, and then he saw that his shirt was 
dismally bepawed and bewrayed with fresh 
sir-reverence. The retentive faculty of the 
nerve, which restrains the muscle called 
sphincter (it is the arse-hole, and it please 
you ) was relaxated by the violence of the fear 
which he had been in during his fantastic vi- 
sions. Add to this, the thundering noise of the 
shooting, which seems more dreadful be- 
tween decks than above. Nor ought you to 
wonder at such a mishap; for one or the symp- 



PANTAGRUEL 



311 



toms and accidents of fear is, that it often 
opens the wicket of the cupboard wherein 
second-hand meat is kept for a time. Let us 
illustrate this noble theme with some ex- 
amples. 

Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina, of Sienna, 
riding post from Rome, came to Chamberry, 
and alighting at honest Vinet's, took one of 
the pitchforks in the stable; then turning to 
the inn-keeper, said to him, "Da Roma in qua, 
io non son andato del corpo. Di gratia piglia 
in mono questa forcha, et fa mi paura." I have 
not had a stool since I left Rome. I pray thee 
take this pitchfork, and fright me. Vinet took 
it, and made several offers, as if he would in 
good earnest have hit the signore, but did not; 
so the Sienese said to him, Si tn non fai altra- 
mente, tu non fai nnlla: pcro sforzati di ado- 
perarli piu guagliardamente." If thou dost not 
go another way to work, thou hadst as good 
do nothing: therefore try to bestir thyself 
more briskly. With this, Vinct lent him such 
a swinging stoater with the pitchfork souce 
between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, 
that down fell signore on the ground arsy- 
versy, with his spindle shanks wide straggling 
over his pole. Then mine host sputtering, 
with a full-mouthed laugh, said to his guest, 
By Beelzebub's bum-gut, much good may it 
do you, Signore Italiano. Take notice this is 
datum Cambcriaci, given at Chamberry. It 
was well the Sienese had untrusscd his points, 
and let down his drawers: for this physic 
worked with him as soon as he took it; and as 
copious was the evacuation, as that of nine 
buffaloes and fourteen missificating arch -lub- 
bers. Which operation being over, the man- 
nerly Sienese courteously gave mine host a 
whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, "70 ti 
ringratio, bel messere; cosl facendo tu mai 
esparmiata la speza d'un scrvitiale" I thank 
thee, good landlord; by this thou hast even 
saved me the expense of a clyster. 

I will give you another example of Edward 
V, king of England. Master Francis Villon, 
being banished France, fled to him, and got 
so far into his favour, as to be privy to all his 
household affairs. One day the king, being on 
his close stool, showed Villon the arms of 
France, and said to him, Dost thou see what 
respect I have for thy French kings? I have 
none of their arms any where but in this 
backside, near my close stool. Odd's life, said 
the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful 
of your health, your highness is! How care- 
fully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacer, 



looks after you! He saw that, now you grow 
old, you are inclined to be somewhat costive, 
and every day were fain to have an apothe- 
cary; I mean, a suppository or clyster thrust 
into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much 
to the purpose, induced you to place here the 
arms of France; for the very sight of them 
puts you into such a dreadful fright, that you 
immediately let fly, as much as would come 
from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia. 
And if they were painted in other parts of 
your house, by jingo, you would presently 
conskite yourself wherever you saw them. 
Nay, had you but here a picture of the great 
oriflamb of France, odds bodikins, your tripes 
and bowels would be in no small danger of 
dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors. 
But hcnh, henh, atquc itcnim 2 * henh. 

A silly cockney am I not, 

As ever did from Paris come? 
And with a rope and sliding knot 

My neck shall know what weighs my bum. 

A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of 
judgment, and judging shallowly, to wonder, 
that you should cause your points to be un- 
trusscd in your chamber before you come in- 
to this closet. By our lady, at first I thought 
your close stool had stood behind the hang- 
ings of your bed; otherwise it seemed very 
odd to me you should untruss so far from the 
place of evacuation. But now I find I was a 
gull, a wittal, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a 
dolt-head, a noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, 
a cloddipole. You do wisely, by the mass, you 
do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap 
your hind face on the mustard-pot as soon as 
you came within sight of these arms, mark ye 
me, cop's body, the bottom of your breeches 
had supplied the office of a close stool. 

Friar John, stopping the handle of his face 
with his left hand, did, with the fore-finger 
of the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pan- 
tagruel, who seeing him in this pickle, 
scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring, 
bewrayed, and torn with the claws of the fa- 
mous cat Rodilardus, could not choose but 
laugh, and said to him, Prythee what wouldst 
thou do with this cat? With this cat, quoth 
Panurge, the devil scratch me, if I did not 
think it had been a young soft-chinned devil, 
which, with this same stocking instead of mit- 
ten, I had snatched up in the great hutch of 
hell, as thievishly as any sizar of Montague 
college could have done. The devil take Ty- 



312 



RABELAIS 



bert: I feel it has all be-pinked my poor hide, 
and drawn on it to the life I do not know how 
many lobsters' whiskers. With this he threw 
his boar-cat down. 

Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and 
cleaned, calm your fear, put on a clean shift, 
and then your clothes. What! do you think I 
am afraid cried Panurge. Not I, I piotest: by 
the testicles of Hercules, I am more hearty, 
bold, and stout, though I say it that should 
not, than if I had swallowed as many flies as 



are put into plum-cakes, and other paste at 
Paris, from Midsummer to Christmas. But 
what is this? hah! oh, ho! how the devil came 
1 by this? Do you call this what the cat left in 
the malt, filth, dirt, dung, dejection, ficcal 
matter, excrement, stercoration, sir-rever- 
ence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, 
stronts, scybal, or spyrathe? Tis Hibernian 
saffron, I protest. Hah, hah, hah! it is Irish 
saffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for 
this time. Selah. Let us drink. 



NOTES 



The following notes are intended in the main to clear up the 
frequent Latin expressions which occur throughout the text. The 
Dalibon edition of the works of Rabelais has been used, with its 
annotations by Le Duchat, Bernier, Mottcux, the Abbe de Marsy, 
Voltaire, Ginguene, and others. The editor has also consulted the 
more up to date researches of scholars like Lefranc and Boulenger; 
also the Revue des etudes rabelaisicnncs and the Revue du 
seiziemc siede. 

In translations from the Scriptures, the King James version of 
the Bible has been used. OED Oxford English Dictionary. 



BOOK ONE 

1. Virgil, Eclogues, iv. 61. Matri longa 
dcccm lulcrunt faslidia menses: Ten months 
have brought long weariness to your mother. 

2. The reference is to the codification of 
ancient laws called the Digest, or Pandects, of 
Justinian. At the time of Rabelais ff was the 
sign used to designate the Digest, 1 the sign for 
law. Although Rabelais' citations are usually 
accurate, they are intended only as a show of 
erudition in mockery of the pedantry of the time. 
Since they seldom add to the meaning of the 
text, no attempt will be made to interpret the 
frequent references. 

3. Aulus Gellius, the second-century author of 
the Nodes Atticx, and one of the many au- 
thors frequently quoted in the Digest. The law 
referred to deals with seven-month children. 

4. Privation presupposes something had. 

5. Who has failed to experience the eloquence 
which comes from the flowing cup? 

6. As a bridegroom (with a play on the word 
spongia, sponge); Ps. 19. 5. 

7. As a thirsty land. Ps. 143. 6. 

8. Have a care for the person, pour for two; 
bus is not in use. ( Bus refers to the use of duos 
where duobus should be used. Bus, however, 
besides being a Latin case ending, has the same 
sound as bu, the past participle of boire, to drink, 
and "to drink" can be used only in the present, 
since there is never any end to drinking. ) 

9. I thirst. John, 19. 28. 

10. And he poured out of the same. Ps. 75. 8. 

11. Nature abhors a vacuum. 

12. An addition of the translator. The expres- 
sion is used with reference to the practice of 
turning the emptied cup upside down on the left 
thumb-nail to show that all the liquor has been 
drunk. From the German, auf den Nagel, "on to 
the nail." Cf. OED. 



13. The French text reads. "Que grand tu as, 
(supple le gousier)\" How great a (supply the 
word throat) you have! 

14. Male and Female joined together are near- 
est to Man. (An addition of the translator.) 

15. Light is good. 

16. Magnificat, the opening word of the 
Canticle of the Blessed Virgin (Cf. Luke, 1. 46- 
55), is sung at Vespers rather than at Matins, the 
morning prayer of the Church. 

17. Each lesson of the Divine Office is fol- 
lowed by the prayer: Tu autem, Domine, mis- 
erere nobis, But thou, O Lord, have mercy on us. 

18 That there was no science of the 

modes of signification. 

19. Dormi secure: Sleep soundly ( a collection 
of sermons popular in the sixteenth century). 

20. May it profit. (The term is used to signify 
a gift given especially to bishops in token of 
welcome. Cf. OED.) 

21. A Treatise on the Abundance of Things 
Venerable, by John of Barrauco. ( Work and 
author are apparently inventions of Rabelais. ) 

22. An artificial word from the mnemonic 
formula which sums up the valid moods and fig- 
ures of the syllogism. The formula was invented 
by Peter of Spain (afterwards Pope John XXI). 
The opening line gives the valid moods of the 
first figure: Barbara, celarent, darii, ferio artifi- 
cial words in which vowels symbolize the type of 
proposition and certain consonants the proper 
method of conversion to the first, or perfect, fig- 
ure. Bragmardo, a coined word, resembles the 
designation of an impossible syllogism. 

23. And he that is wise will not abhor them. 
Ecclus. 38. 4. 

24. Render unto Caesar the things which be 
Caesar's and unto God the things which be 
Cod's. Luke, 20. 25. Ibi jacet lepus: Here lies the 
hare (i.e., here is the main argument). 

25. We will make good cheer in the Charity- 



313 



314 



RABELAIS 



room ( the guest room ) . I have killed a pig and 
I have good wine. 

26. For God's sake, give us our bells. ( Rabe- 
lais has clochaswith a pun on cloaca, sewer? 
which he makes up from the French word cloche, 
bell.) 

27. Would that. 

28. Do you want pardons too? By the sun, you 
shall have them, and they won't cost you any- 
thing. (Janotus cautiously swears per diem, by 
day, rather than per Denm, by God.) 

29. Give us our bells; they belong to the city. 

30. "Man that is in honour, and understand- 
eth not, is like the beasts that perish," which 
Psalm I know not. ( Ps. 49. 20. ) 

31. And it is a good Achilles. (An Achilles is 
an argument which cannot be overthrown. ) 

32. The expression used to end an argument 
which does not prove anything. 

33. The key word for the third mood of the 
first figure of the syllogism. Cf. note 22. 

34. A meaningless collection of rhetorical tags. 

35. Valete et plaudit e: Farewell and applaud 
(used at the conclusion of a Latin play). Calcpi- 
nus recensui: I, Calepinus, have finished the 
text ( the formula used to conclude manuscripts ) . 

36. "Thou dost not conclude in mood and 
figure [of the syllogism]." Supposition is a term 
from logic, and refers to the way in which a 
term may substitute for a thing in discourse. 
The parva logicalia form part of the Summttlas 
Logicales, a logical work by Peter of Spain. The 
passage continues: "The cloth, now what is its 
supposition? Indeterminately and distributively. 
I did not ask thee .... in what way does it 
substitute for the thing, but for what does it 
stand? It is, Blockhead, substituting for my 
shins, and therefore I will carry it, I myself, as 
the supposition carries the apposition." 

37. And all things rise and fall, grow and de- 
cline. Sallust, Bellum Jugurthinum, ii. 13. 

38. It is vain for you to rise up early. Ps. 77. 2. 

39. To the Chapter, all who have the right to 
be there. 

40. Against the snares of the enemy. 

41. For peace. 

42. Give me drink. 

43. Lick a villain, he will kick you; kick a 
villain, and he will lick you. 

44. Make haste slowly. 

45. Drinkable gold, a panacea. (Moses ground 
the golden calf into powder and made his fol- 
lowers drink it. Exod. 32, 20. ) 

46. O Holy God. (From the Good Friday 
ceremony of the unveiling of the Cross. ) 

47. From the wicked enemy deliver us, O 
Lord. 

48. The Supplement to the Supplement to the 
Chronicles. 

49. "The snare is broken" by Fourniller, "and 
we are escaped. Our help is in the name of the 
Lord." ( Ps. 74. 7, 8.) 



50. The rubric indicating the place where the 
celebrant at divine service removes his cope. 

51. In the statutes of the Order (to which the 
monk belonged). 

52. The root of Jesse has sprung up. 

53. The greatest clerics are not the wisest. 

54. The drones, sluggish creatures, they keep 
away from the hives. Virgil, Georgics, iv. 168. 

55. Why? Because. 

56. The shape of the nose reveals the Ad tc 
levavi ( Unto thee ... do I lift up. Ps. 25. 1 ). 

57. A short prayer pierces the skies, and a long 
drink empties the cup. 

58. Come, let us drink. (A parody on Venite 
adoremus: Come, let us adore.) 

59. One of the Decretals, or papal decrees: 
On the Frigid and those who have been made 
Impotent through Witchcraft. 

60. On Despising the World and Fleeing the 
Times. 

61. A monk on the inside of the cloister is 
worth less than a couple eggs, but on the out- 
side he is well worth thirty. 

62. In time and place. 

BOOK TWO 

1. Quack powder. 

2. But excluding it. 

3. We testify that we have seen. John, 3. 11. 

4. The belly almighty. 

5. Remember not. (Cf. Tob. 3. 3.) Rabelais is 
punning on the words ne and nez. Ne, the Latin 
particle used to introduce a negatrse, is pro- 
nounced in the same way as the French word ncz 
( nose ) . 

6. Dried-tip bodies. 

7. The Milky Way. 

8. From one side and the other. 

9. According to mood and figure (of the syl- 
logism). 

10. Da jurandiDa veniam jurandi: Pardon 
me tor swearing. 

11. And Og, the king of Bashan (Cf.Dcut.3). 

12. In the discard. 

13. Poets and painters have equal freedom to 
attempt whatever they dare. Horace, Ars Pocticn, 
9-10. 

14. We cross the Seine at daybreak and at 
dusk; we stroll about the intersections and cross- 
roads of the city; we spout Latin. 

15. To eat in a tavern. 

16. Some fine shoulders of mutton sprinkled 
with parsley. 

17. Scarcity of money in cur purses. 

18. To pawn (from oppignerare ) . 

19. Await. 

20. Messengers. 

21. Most willingly, as soon as the first small 
light of day appears, I betake myself to one of 
these well-built churches, and then, sprinkling 
myself with holy water, I mutter some priestly 



NOTES 



315 



Mass prayer. And murmuring my prayers for 
each hour, I elevate and purify my soul of its 
nocturnal soilings. I revere those who are in 
heaven. I venerate with divine worship the Ruler 
of the Stars. I love and cherish my neighbours. 
I keep the Ten Commandments; and according 
to the small strength of my powers I do not de- 
part from them the breadth of a finger-nail. 
Nevertheless, it is also true that because Mam- 
mon does not cough up anything into my pock- 
ets, it is seldom and slowly that I give alms to 
those needy ones who beg from door to door. 

22. My genius is not so naturally apt as this 
scoundrelly rascal says, to flay our vernacular 
French, but contrariwise I strive with might and 
main [literally, with oars and sails] to enrich 
it with the same redundancy that marks Latin. 

23. Where rests the body of the most saintly 
Saint Martial. 

24. In some far-off place. 

25. Decree of the University of Paris which 
permits young ladies to bare their throats at will. 

26. On the Worthy Art of Genteel Farting, by 
Marcus Orthuinus. 

27. The Ant-Heap of the Arts. 

28. On the Use of Soups and on the Worthi- 
ness of Tippling, by Sylvester de Priero, Jacobin. 

29. The original text reads Decrotatorium 
scholarium: On the Brushing Up of Scholars. 
(Rabelais intends a pun on Decrotatorium and 
Decretal. ) 

30. Tartaret, On the Ways of Going to Stool 

31. Bricot, On the Variations within Soups. 

32. Three books -of the Reverend Father, 
Brother Lubin, Provincial of Chatter-land, On 
Gobbling Up Rashers of Bacon. 

33. Pasquin, the marble doctor, On Eating 
Kids prepared with Artichokes, during the Ec- 
clesiastically Proscribed Papal Season. (Pasquin 
refers to a statue in Rome, to which were affixed 
lampoons against prominent persons, from which 
our word pasquinade.} 

34. Major, On How to Make Puddings. 

35. Bcde, On the Absolute Perfection of Tripes. 

36. The overwhelmingly clear exposition, by 
the most renowned Doctor of Laws, Master Pil- 
lotus Scrapfarthing, Of the Patching Up of the 
Fiddle-faddle of the Gloss of Accursius. 

37. The Wiles of the Franc-Archers of Banio- 
let. 

38. Military Manual, with diagrams by Tevot. 

39. Treatise on the Custom and Benefit of 
Flaying Horses and Mares, written by Our Mas- 
ter of Quebec. 

40. Fourteen books by Master Rostocostjam- 
bcdanesse, On Serving Mustard after Dinner; 
annotated by Master Vaurillon. 

41. Jabolenus, The Cosmography of Purga- 
tory. 

42. On the most subtle question: Whether a 
Chimaera, humming in the Void, is able to eat 
Second Intentions [the Reflex Universal], de- 



bated over a period of ten weeks by the Council 
of Constance. 

43. The mumblings of Scotus. 

44. One hundred and ten volumes by Master 
Alberic, On the Art of Keeping your Spurs clear 
of the Horse's Flanks. 

45. Three books by the same author, On 
Camping in the Hair (Criminibus should read 
crinibus). 

46. Treatise of Marforio, Bachelor of Arts, 
who rests at Rome: On the Manner of Adorning 
and Rigging-out the Cardinals' Mules. (Mar- 
forio's statue lies on the ground in one of the 
courts of the ancient Capitol. ) 

47. A Forecast, which begins Silvii triquebille, 
bleated out by Our Master Songecreux. 

48. Bishop Boudarin: Ninety-one books, On 
the Profits of Milking [Indulgences], with a 
Papal privilege limited to three years. 

49. On Giving the Canonical Hours the Once 
Over, forty books by Professor Lickdish. 

50. The Overthrow of the Confraternities, 
author unknown. 

51. The Torpor of Italian Affairs, by Master 
Brulefcr. The original text reads Poltronismus. 

52. Raymond Lullus, On the Trivial Occupa- 
tions of Princes. 

53. Calebistris: the female sexual organs; caf- 
fardise: canting; Master Jacob Iloogstraaten, 
"expert in taking the measure of heretics." 

54. Eight very elegant books by Codtickler: 
On the Tap-rooms of the Doctors of Theology 
and Doctoral Candidates. 

55. On How to Sweep Out Chimneys, by Mas- 
ter Eccius. 

56. Blockhead's treatise, On the Life and 
Worthiness of Fops. 

57. Moral Reflections of a Liripoop of the 
Sorbonne, by Master Lupoldus. (Liripoop: a 
graduate's hood. ) 

58. Uproar by the Doctors of Cologne against 
Reuchlin. 

59. Gerson, On the Right of the Church to De- 
pose the Pope. 

60. On the Frightfulness of Excommunica- 
tion, a short treatise without a Preface, by 
John Ditebroclius. (Acephalos: without a head; 
i.e., brainless.) 

61. On the Art of Catting Up He-Devils and 
She-Devils, by Guingolfus. 

62. Sutor: Against a certain person who called 
him a Slabsauce-cater, and that Slabsauce-caters 
are not condemned by the Church. 

63. The Doctors' Chamber-pot. 

64. The Fields of Enemas, by S. C. (Sym- 
phorien Champier). 

65. Justinian, On the Suppression of White 
Leprosy. (The original text reads, On the Sup- 
pression of Bigots.) 

66. The Pharmacopseia of the Soul. 

67. On the Devil's Homeland, by Merlin Coc- 



316 



RABELAIS 



68. Many times already I have conjured you, 
by things sacred, by the gods and goddesses, 
that if any respect for things holy affects you to 
solace my need; but my cries and lamentations 
are to no avail. Allow me, I beseech you, allow 
me, wicked men, to go where my destiny calls 
me. Weary me no longer with your empty ques- 
tionings but remember the old proverb, that a 
hungry stomach has no ears. 

69. Blessed are the dunces, for they have 
stumbled. 

70. He who falls wisely will never fall off the 
bridge. 

71. For in vcrbo sacerdotis: On the word of a 
priest. 

72. Sec Book 1, note 17. 

73. Summation of facts. 

74. The artificial word standing for one of the 
forms of the fourth (or indirect first) figure of 
the syllogism. See Book 11, note 22. 

75. The original reads grenoillibus: Despising 
the frogs. 

76. What law is there for minors? 

77. By oracle of living voice. 

78. With a single voice. 

79. Now as before. 

80. O Holy and Immortal God. (From the 
Good Friday ceremony of the unveiling of the 
Cross. ) 

81. Brother Lubin, in the Treatise on the Bev- 
erages of the Mendicant Orders. 

82. And where will you find them? 

83. The first two words of grace after meals: 
Mav God grant us His peace. 

84. The words of the priest at the close of 
Mass: Go, the Mass is ended. 

85. Thank you, sirs. 

86. And Bartholus quotes it. 

87. To the limit of speech (i.e., to the point 
of silence ) . 

88. And, behold, a greater than Solomon is 
here. Matt. 22. 42. 

89. The disciple is not above his master. 
Matt. 10.24. 

90. As a thirsty land. Ps. 143. 6. 

91. He that is able to receive it, let him 
receive it. Matt. 19. 12. 

92. They pretend to be Gurii, but they live 
like Bacchanals. Juvenal, Satires, IT. 3. (Curius 
was a consul of Rome, famous for his frugality 
and sobriety.) 

BOOK THREE 

1. "The introduction of a pretended speaker." 
-OED. 

2. Lapathiwn acutum is a plant of uncertain 
identity mentioned by Pliny. A pun on the word 
passion is intended. 

3. And victorious, dispensed laws to the not- 
unwilling nations. Georgics, TV. 5, 61. 

4. According to the saying: Things ill-gotten 
wither away. 



5. According to the saying: Things ill-gotten 
will last scarcely to the third generation. 

6. It is finished. John, 19. 30. 

7. See above, note 1. 

8. Justinian, in his treatise On the Suppression 
of Bigots, put the stimmum bomim [highest 
goodl in the breeches. 

9. Woe to him that is alone. Eccles. 4. 10. 

10. He has no testicles. 

11. Past and gone. 

12. Fiat was used to close petitions favour- 
ably received. Fiatur is bad Latin, which the 
Pope would not use in official documents. 

13. On the Frigid and those who have been 
made Impotent through Witchcraft. 

14. Straight from the Mass to the dinner-table. 

15. Due. 

16. See Book n, note 10. 

17. A word constructed by Rabelais from 
gyrus and gnomen: the shadow of the sun turn- 
ing on the sun-dial. 

18. Another word coined by Rabelais: com- 
ing from the sky. 

19. Counterweight. 

20. Hail, Star of the Sea (a hymn to the 
Blessed Virgin, sung at Vespers). 

21. The first and last words of the Penetential 
Psalms, the Psalms chanted by the monks while 
administering the Discipline. 

22. Tom-cat's hood. 

23. A kind of burlesque hymn. To sing the 
Black Sanctus: to lament. OED. 

24. Reading images in water. 

25. Reading the signs in mirrors. 

26. Divination by the turning of a sieve. 

27. Divination by means of barley-meal. 

28. Reading the dice. 

29. Divination by means of the holes in 
cheese. 

30. Divination by means of the "wish-bone." 

31. Reading the smoke of incense. 

32. Smoke-reading. 

33. Divination by means of ashes thrown up 
in the air. 

34. Divination by means of pigs. 

35. Divination by means of the human body. 
(The Emperor TIeliogabalus is reported to have 
consulted the entrails of children. ) 

36. Divination by lines of verse taken at 
random. 

37. Divination by names. 

38. The examination of the flesh of sacrificed 
animals. 

39. The same as in the preceding note. 

40. Divination by means of the shades of the 
departed. 

41. The original text: Crescite: Be fruitful; 
we who live, let us multiply. (A mixture of 
Scriptural tags; ef. Gen. 1. 28; II Cor. 4. 11.) 

42. When he shall have come to judge. 

43. It has been proved. 

44. Unsolvable Problems, by Peter d'Ailly. 



NOTES 



317 



45. Chaste. 

46. SPQR stands for senatus populusque 
romanus: the Senate and People of Rome. 

47. A truncated syllogism. 

48. What is hidden. 

49. Excrement and wine are the meals of 
medics; from everything else gather straw, but 
from these grain. 

50. To us they are signs, to you they are 
fitting food. 

51. On Inspecting the Belly. 

52. . . . Which are noted by the Archdeacon; 
the references that follow relate to the codes 
of law. 

53. Judgement by lot. 

54. The man of today loves brevity. 

55. When the rights of the disputants are 
obscure, the defendant is to be favoured over 
the accuser. 

56. When things opposed are set side by side 
they become more clear. 

57. When the situation is obscure, take the 
course of least consequence. 

58. The first-comer has the benefit in law. 

59. If the form is changed, the substance is 
changed. 

60. Because what is secondary conforms to 
the nature of the principal. 

61. Who was a great practitioner. 

62. Vary your cares from time to time with 
pleasures. 

63. Money rules e\ciythmg. 

64. Hie nota: observe here that. 

65. Speaking by way of resolution. 

66. A voluntary burden is a light burden. 

67. The law is to business what medicines 
are to the sick. 

68. Now Virginity, ready for marriage, had 
been maturing over the years. 

69. Legal axioms are called Brocards. From 
this Rabelais invents the name of a professor. 

70. The son is often like the father, and the 
daughter follows easily in her mother's path. 

71. To the vigilant the laws are a help. 

72. If any would not work, neither should 
he eat. II Thess. 3. 10. 

73. Need makes the old lady run faster than 
a trot. 

74. The word is given to all, wisdom of the 
soul to few. 

75. What is needful. 

76. Gloss: sweeter is the fruit plucked from 
danger. 

77. If money is lacking, everything is lack- 
ing. 

78. I will hate if I can; otherwise I will love 
against my will. 

79. Form gives being to a thing. 

80. Better fortune will follow a poor begin- 
ning. 

81. As the outward garb is, so is the heart. 

82. This is to be observed. 



83. It is more blessed to give than to receive. 
Acts, 20. 35. 

84. The disposition of the giver counter- 
balances the judgement of him who thunders. 

85. Receive, take up, hold: these are words 
pleasing to the Pope. 

86. Rome eats up the hand within reach, hates 
the hand she cannot consume; she protects 
those who give, casts aside those who do not 
give. 

87. An egg in the hand is better than a chicken 
tomorrow. 

88. When the fruits of labour are lost, mor- 
tal poverty increases. 

89. Through the courts, laws increase; through 
the courts, a new law is gained. 

90. And when things taken one by one fail, 
taken all together they piosper. 

91. Red-handed. 

92. Sometimes even good Homer nods (Hor- 
ace, Ar.v Poctica, 359 ) . " 

93. Money is a second blood. , 

94. Money is the life of man and his most 
dependable prop in need. 

95. Lost money is wept for with real tears. 
Juvenal, Satires, xni. 134. 

96. Through calm and repose the soul be- 
comes wise. 

BOOK FOUR 

1. And your mentula has spirit. (Rabelais is 
punning on the word mentnla, winch is at the 
same time the word for the male organ and the 
diminutive of ruens, mind 01 spirit.) 

2. Along with many others. 

3 You arc either a clerk (i.e., a clever fel- 
low) or learning to be one. 

4. It a i yes. 

5. Vcre: truly. 

6. Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the 
Lord. Rom. 12. 19. 

7. See Book n, note 10. 

8. Blessed are the undefiled in the way. Ps. 
119. 1. 

9. Here is a man of the country, sprung from 
the race of hoboes, who is used to carrying 
bread in his old sack. 

10. In full pontificals. 

11. The gold of Toulouse. (The reference 
is to temple gold, gained through warfare, 
which until it was disposed of brought misfortune 
to the inhabitants of the city. ) 

12. See Book m, note 8. 

13. From the Confiteor: Through my fault, O 
Lord. 

14. I confess. 

15. See Book HI, note 6. 

16. The beginning of the prayer, "Into thy 
hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit," which 
always occurs at the conclusion of the Office 
of Compline. 



318 



RABELAIS 



17. Blessed is the man that walketh not (in 
the counsel of the ungodly). Ps. 1. 1. 

18. A terrible Tempest swirled about the sharp 
peak. (Tempest was the name of the Principal 
of the College of Montaigu [montem acutum].) 

19. Against the snares of the enemy. 

20. What law is there ( for us ) . 

21. From the Introit of the Mass for the Dead: 
Eternal rest give to them, O Lord. 

22. Sextum: To the original five books of the 
Decretals Boniface VIII, in 1298, added a sixth 
volume in which were gathered together the Con- 
stitutions of the Popes subsequent to the year 
1234. This sixth volume was called the Sextum. 

Clementina?: A further addition to the pre- 
ceding collections of the Decretals. It consisted 
of the Constitutions of Clement V and the Coun- 
cil of Vienne. 

Extmvaganies: Papal decrees not contained in 
the above collections. 



23. Nor do you crap ten times throughout the 
year, and then it is tougher than beans or a 
stone; take it and grind it and crumble it in 
your hands and you will not be able to dirty a 
single finger. Carmina, xxiii. 20-3. 

24. Latria is the term used to designate the 
kind of veneration given to God alone; hyper- 
dulia designates the Kind of veneration accorded 
to the Blessed Virgin. 

25. The chapter-headings of the Decretals 
which deal with the payment of revenues to 
Rome. 

26. Long may he live, long may he drink. 
( Fifat and pipat are vivat and bibat pronounced 
with a German accent.) 

27. If you do not wish to give, then lend, 
we beseech you. (Prsesta qtiaesumus are the 
introductory words of a large number of pray- 
ers. ) 

28. And again. 



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MATTER 
MECHANICS 
MEDICINE 
MEMORY AND 

IMAGINATION 
METAPHYSICS 
MIND 

MONARCHY 
NATURE 
NECESSITY AND 

CONTINGENCY 
OLIGARCHY 
ONE AND MANY 
OPINION 
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PHILOSOPHY 
PHYSICS 

PLEASURE AND PAIN 
POETRY 
PRINCIPLE 
PROGRESS 
PROPHECY 
PRUDENCE 
PUNISHMENT 
QUALITY 
QUANTITY 
REASONING 



RELATION 

RELIGION 

REVOLUTION 

RHETORIC 

SAME AND OTHER 

SCIENCE 

SENSE 

SIGN AND SYMBOL 

SIN 

SLAVERY 

SOUL 

SPACE 

STATE 

TEMPERANCE 

THEOLOGY 

TIME 

TRUTH 

TYRANNY 

UNIVERSAL AND 

PARTICULAR 
VIRTUE AND VICE 
WAR AND PEACE 
WEALTH 
WILL 
WISDOM 
WORLD 



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